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Mason doesn't even bother to look over at him when he speaks up - which, Felix is pretty sure is the most insulting part about it.
"This your biweekly or bimonthly freak out?"
Felix pauses halfway out the window, squinting at the man laid out on the tiling of the roof, staring up at stars. "...I do not freak out every other week. Or every other month."
"They're the same thing."
Felix blinks for a moment, tilting his head, before huffing and dropping down heavily next to Mason. "I hate that."
That gets him a hum, but nothing more, and Felix watches the swirls of smoke unfurling from Mason's cigarette dissipate into the cool night air for a long, quiet moment, his fingers tapping against his knees where they're pulled up to his chest.
Mason lasts another five minutes before he sighs softly, putting out the cigarette on the tile and tucking his hands behind his head. His eyes are closed, but Felix knows he has his full attention.
"So. Where's Merry?" Mason starts it off - he always does. He may snip and grumble about talking about feelings but he never turned Felix away, and he never let Felix stew too long. Something tight unclenches in Felix's stomach and he manages a weak smile, even if Mason doesn't see it.
"Asleep." And oh, how it had sucked to slip out of that bed - pull away from where he’d been wrapped up in Merry. They didn’t get many nights like that, what with Merry having the sleep schedule of a particularly overworked college student still (Felix did occasionally worry that the man was just, one day, going to collapse due to lack of sleep, but Merry keeps insisting that he’s fine, which is concerning in and of itself) and Felix just not needing all that much sleep. Lining both of those up took work, and planning and...and was so worth it, when they managed.
But tonight he just...hadn’t been able to settle, mind going a mile a minute in the dark and the quiet. So, he’d waited until Merry’s breathing had evened out - waited until the arms wrapped around him had settled and relaxed enough for him to slip out without waking him. If he was lucky, he’d be back before he woke up, and it’d be fine.
“And?”
Oh. Right, Mason.
Felix sighs softly, picking at the tear that’s starting to show in the knee of his sweats. “I dunno. Head wouldn’t shut up.”
“About?”
“You know, one of these days you’re gonna have to like. Actually use sentences.” That gets Mason cracking one eye just to glare at him. “Or you could just. Use less, apparently. Go back to one word questions.”
He gets nothing.
Any other day, he’d wait Mason out, if only to poke and prod the bear a little more. But tonight…
“What if I fuck it up?” It’s out before he can fully think about how to lead up to it. How to phrase it, how to...how to deal with it. It’s been pinging around his brain all night - all week, all month, since...since this all started, really, when he actually lets himself think about it.. Because that’s what it boils down to, doesn’t it?
And Mason’s still quiet, but Felix can feel his eyes on him now and as much as he wants his friend’s advice here, he also doesn’t really want to meet that gaze. Doesn’t want to see...whatever might be there. Pity? Derision? Some mix of the two?
Probably not. It’s Mason. His friend. His friend who may not like relationships but who has been on Felix’s side with this from the first instant Felix himself thought it might be serious. He wouldn’t.
But the idea’s still there, scraping at the back of his mind, like the rest of this mess, so he looks back up at the stars instead.
“You talk to him?” Oh, hey look, an actual sentence. Before he can say anything, Mason’s prodding him sharply in the side, and Felix just shakes his head, the laugh he tries for stalling out before it can bubble up, but damn does it try.
“No, no I haven’t. What would I even say?” Oh god, what would he say?
The anxiety should probably be giving him horrible suggestions, but honestly? He’s just drawing a blank, and that’s...almost worse. He can take bad, and stupid, and wrangle it back to normal. He can do that, as long as he has something to work with.
But this? He has nothing. There is no conversation he could have with Merry about this, because just imagining it opens a blank in his mind that he can’t see the end of.
Well, no, scratch that, he can see an end. An end to it all, if he does fuck it up. He can see that just fine. But can’t see...can’t see a way around it. Can’t find a string of words to twist and turn to keep it from happening.
There’s another sharp prod to his side and he squawks, snapping back to the present. “Stop that!”
“Stop getting lost in your head then.”
He glares and scoots a couple inches further away, like that’ll do anything.
Mason snorts at him, settling back down, “Why do you think you have to say anything? Just start the conversation. See where it goes.” There’s a pause, one that Felix can’t quite parse before Mason’s suddenly getting up, and Felix frowns up at him, too confused to really ask why-
“Look, Merry’s a dick, but he’s not stupid. Just try it.”
“Hey!” A voice calls from the window.
Oh.
Oh shit.
Mason shrugs, lighting up another cigarette as he heads for the edge of the roof, “What, it was a compliment.”
“Only somewhat, jerk.” Mason snickers at him, waving a half-hearted salute before stepping off the roof to escape what is likely to be a very awkward conversation. “Also, Nate asked you stop doing that!”
“Nate can ask me himself!” Comes the response from the ground before Felix hears him head back into the warehouse.
Maybe if Felix sits really, really still, this will all just...go away. It’s the only thought that keeps him rooted to his spot as he hears Merry finish climbing through the window to come sit beside him.
It’s quiet then, the two of them just...breathing in the night air. And Felix aches to go back to bed - to breathe in the dark, and the quiet, and put all of this back to the back of his mind where it can’t get in the way, where it can’t hurt.
“Hey you…” Merry finally breaks the silence, gently leaning against his shoulder - the way he does when he’s testing if Felix wants him there, the way he does when he’s not sure. And Felix can’t have that.
He can have his freak out, but he never wants Merry to think he’s not wanted in his space, so he pulls his legs up to his chest again, and slumps against Merry’s side. And there’s a startled breath for a moment before Merry’s humming and wrapping an arm around his shoulders, just like Felix wanted.
“So.” Just. Start the conversation. He can do that. “How much of that did you hear?” And Felix isn’t really sure he even knows what he wants that answer to be.
“Enough.” Merry says, taking a moment to breathe in through his nose in that way that Felix knows means he’s actually thinking about what to say next. He does it a lot more than he thinks people realize.
Quiet again, as Merry thinks, and as Felix lets himself relax. He still doesn’t have a view of how this is going to go, but the fact that it’s going regardless is slightly less terrifying than he’d thought it’d be. Not by much, mind you, but enough.
“...You know. Tina’s put out a ban on any calls after two am that are not an actual emergency, because I kept calling her, in a panic.”
Felix pauses, blinking slightly and pulling back just enough to get a look at him. “Over what?” He can’t see it. For all that Merry’s pretty damn emotional, he’s not...he’s never uncontrolled, like that. It’s a...a control thing, Felix is pretty sure.
(But, then, he didn’t see what happened in the sewers, after he passed out. He only has Adam’s word on that. And he doesn’t want to see that.)
Merry gives him a lopsided, sheepish smile, “Over how I was certain I was screwing this whole thing up.”
What? How in the hell could Merry be the one screwing up anything with this, this is the best relationship Felix has ever had, and they’re still learning each other so of course there’s going to be some growing pains, but nothing that he should be worried about and-
And Merry’s laughing at him. Felix huffs, gently shoving his shoulder before settling back against it, “What’re you laughing about?”
“You just had a full rant getting prepared in your head, didn’t you?”
“Well, yeah, of course I did - how could you think you’re messing this up?”
“How could you?”
Because- well. Because…
Oh.
Felix groans, shifting enough to bury his face against Merry’s shoulder, reaching out to gently thump Merry’s chest when he feels Merry laughing again. “Shut up…”
“Sorry, sorry...it’s just...I get it, okay? I get it.” There’s a whisper of a kiss pressed to his forehead, and the sigh that slips out of him at the touch is soft, and he can feel his body sag with it.
“We’re a bit of a mess, huh?” He mutters.
“Mm. A little. But we’ll make it work.”
“Promise?”
Merry jostles him enough to get him to look up, even if he ends up crossing his eyes a little at the hand in front of him, pinky finger extended. The grin he feels spread across his face is so wide it hurts, but he’s laughing - really laughing - for the first time all night as he links their pinkies together, leaning up to press a kiss to Merry’s mouth, feeling the whisper of “Promise,” against his lips.