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Nobody sane has ever woken up, gotten out of bed, and spontaneously decided to investigate whether their friend’s employee and possible spouse are actually married or not. For all Chongyun’s concern, if it thinks, sounds, and acts like a duck, it’s probably a duck. You and Zhongli eat together at Wanmin, take walks together around the harbor, and generally do all the couple-y things except kiss, hug, and call each other by pet names. Xingqiu, on the other hand, has decided that if two people do not kiss, hug, or call each other by pet names, there must be some doubt whether they are married or not, all the other signs be damned.
“I’m telling you, Chongyun,” he enthuses through a mouthful of Qingce Stir-Fry.
“And I’m telling you,” he responds with as much apathy as Xingqiu has enthusiasm. “They are. Leave them both alone, for the Archons’ sake!”
“Chongyun, Chongyun, Chongyun,” Xingquu sighs, shaking his head. “One does not simply leave such a juicy piece of gossip alone.”
-
The first plan isn’t too outlandish. Xingqiu persuades Xiangling to give you and Zhongli a seat near theirs. “All the better to overhear conversation,” Xingqiu explains with a wink. Xinyan seems mildly entertained by the idea; Hu Tao, nothing short of delighted.
“My lord, did you remember your Mora today?” He hears you ask.
Xingqiu elbows him. Hard. “Did you hear that?” He hisses. “What they called Mr. Zhongli?”
“‘My lord’?”
“No, ‘my love’!”
Hu Tao laughs. “Are you calling Chongyun your love?” She teases. Xinyan snorts into her drink, a sound quickly muffled by Hu Tao’s slap on her back which causes Xinyan to choke and begin coughing.
“Hm. It appears I did not,” Zhongli says, patting his pockets. “I don’t suppose-”
You sigh. “My lord,” you say, enunciating. “I reminded you this morning to take your wallet with you to work, did I not?”
“You did,” says Zhongli.
“Why, then, do you not have it?”
“See? They did say, ‘my lord,’” Chongyun says quietly. Xinyan nods, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand. Hu Tao pouts, disappointed.
Xingqiu frowns as you get up to leave, apologizing to Xiangling on the way out. He sighs. “I suppose it was, ‘my lord,’ then.”
The first plan ends in failure. At least they get the special salt and pepper tofu Xiangling had cooking for Mr. Zhongli which, admittedly, is very tasty.
Chongyun thinks that’s the last of it until the next weekend.
-
The second plan is no different from the first, except for one thing.
“Disguises?” Chongyun repeats.
“Disguises!” Hu Tao, gleefully dressed in tinted glasses and a big floppy hat on top of her usual black one, confirms. She’s also got a bright, floral-patterned shirt four sizes too big for her on over her coat and a pair of pearl necklaces on. Xingqiu has a black cape that extends to his waist, a cylindrical black hat as tall as head, a moth-eaten double-breasted wool coat, and a cane. He looks around for Xiangling and Xinyan, in hopes of some sanity, but remembers Xinyan has a concert. Then he sees Xiangling whirling around the kitchen in a floofy purple skirt and even more necklaces than Hu Tao, and deeply regrets not taking the day to train by himself instead of trying to play mediator with his brainless friends.
"Why?" He says. There's so much more he wants to say but that's all he can get out.
"Xiangling said Zhongli and (Y/N) have a reservation today for lunch!" Hu Tao says.
"I meant why disguises," he clarifies. Nobody will get fooled by that getup, he wants to say. Instead, he asks, "Where'd you get all that stuff?"
"I raided our storage!" Xingqiu says. "I think this coat used to belong to my grandfather, you know. Here's yours." He hands Chongyun a pile of slippery fabric.
"A dress?"
"If we stuff straw in your hair you could probably pass as blonde," Hu Tao purses her lips and squishes her chin in between her thumb and pointer finger.
"No thank you!"
"But, Chongyun!" Xingqiu protests, scooping the fabric up from the table, where Chongyun dumped it. "If they recognize us then they won't act like they would around strangers! The true self is only exposed when the expectations of others are stripped away!”
“What long-dead poet did you steal that line from?” He asks. “Forget it. I’m not wearing a dress.”
“I don’t have anything else for you to wear,” Xingqiu says.
“Hide behind the plants,” Hu Tao suggests, pushing a ceramic pot out of the way with her foot. “Look, you should fit in there. Nice and shady, too!”
“I’m not-”
“Quick, they’re here!” Xiangling says, dropping a plate of rice and sauteed meat on their table. Hu Tao takes the opportunity to shove him in the space between the planters.
“Just stay still and don’t make any noise,” she says, covering his head with a few stray fern leaves. “We’re at the table right behind you.”
There’s nothing much he can do but crouch down and pray that the overhanging leaves of a fern cover his hair. Xingqiu nearly pokes his eye out with a golden shrimp ball.
“You’re not starving on my watch, not when you’ve got the best eavesdropping position out of all of us,” he whispers to Chongyun. Hu Tao giggles over her bowl of tea.
“If you do, I’ll bury you for a discount! Perks of being friends with the boss of a funeral parlor.”
“One missed meal won’t kill me,” Chongyun grouses. He doesn’t think a discount burial is much of a perk.
“Mr. Zhongli, (Y/N), and Mr. Tartaglia!” Chef Mao says. “Over here, please.”
Chongyun hears the scrape of chairs and clinking of porcelain. “Let’s see,” Mr. Zhongli rumbles. “Childe, what would you like to eat today?”
“Something I can use a spoon for?” Comes the response.
“My lord, I trust you remembered your Mora today?” You say.
“Certainly I did.”
“It’s no big deal if you hadn’t, I can pay for all of us,” Childe says.
“My lord Zhongli must learn how to pay for himself and not stress the generosity of others,” you say.
“See? They even bicker like a married couple, can I come out now?” Chongyun says. His feet are getting tired.
“That doesn’t mean anything.” Xingqiu passes him a skewer of fish. “Mr. Zhongli might just be especially close to his housekeeper. Or perhaps they’re good friends.”
“A bowl of lotus seed and bird egg soup, an order of crystal shrimp, and Wanmin’s very own boiled fish!” Xiangling lists, setting down the dishes.
“Oh, no, she’ll blow our cover,” Xingqiu says. Through the leaves, Chongyun can see him turn around and wave ‘no’ at Xiangling.
“Thank you, Chef Xiangling,” you say. Xiangling stutters.
“Wha- Oh! No! I, um.” Xingqiu waves again. “I- I’m not Xiangling! I’m her twin sister. . . Uh, Lingxiang.”
Hu Tao is lying facedown on the table, clutching the sides for stability, convulsing with laughter. Xingqiu buries his face in his hands. Chongyun sighs.
“. . . Very well then, Miss LingXiang,” He hears Zhongli say. “Thank you for preparing this food. . . Childe? Is something wrong?”
“No, I just-” There’s a slap on wood and a wheeze. “Nothing, nothing. I-” Then laughter, badly disguised as a coughing fit. “The, the soup’s just hot. That’s all.” More ‘coughing’. “Maybe you should go get some water for me?”
“I shall go inquire of the chef.”
“Are you sure I can’t come out? Xiangling gave everything away already,” Chongyun says. Xingqiu narrowly misses stabbing his eye with another fried shrimp ball.
“No! We shall fight to the bitter end,” Xingqiu says.
“Are you alright?” Chongyun jolts when you brush the leaves covering his head away. “You’ve been here the entire time. Is something wrong?”
“Ah! No, no. I’m fine. Please don’t worry about me.” Chongyun wishes he could crawl into a pot and never be seen again. “I just. . . dropped one of my chopsticks.”
“Fidgety little devils, aren’t they?” Childe says. He looks up and freezes, taking in Chongyun’s dirt-dusted hair, Xingqiu and Hu Tao’s ridiculous getup. It looks like he’s too confused to decide whether to gape in shock or burst into laughter.
“We should be going,” Xingqiu announces, pulling Chongyun up and nearly knocking over the largest of the pots. “Come along, Yunchong. Nice to meet you, goodbye.” He manhandles Chongyun into the street, Hu Tao and Xiangling trailing behind them.
“What sort of game do you think they’re playing?” He hears you ask Childe before the door closes.
-
The four of them end up in front of Auntie Er’niang’s chop suey stand, burning their tongues on greasy who-knows-what on a stick and a plate of spicy stir fry (which he doesn’t touch) while waiting for Xinyan to finish her music practice.
“Do you think they recognised us?” Xingqiu asks. Chongyun nearly chokes.
“What do you think?” He retorts after a gulp of water. Duh, obviously!
Hu Tao hums, kicking her legs over the ledge. “I thought we looked pretty disguised.”
“We didn’t even get to finish our food,” Xiangling moans, sorrowfully gnawing her skewer. “I even made those potato shrimp things we all like!”
Xinyan turns up ten minutes later and the dramatic trio explain what happened over the grumbling of a Mondstadter and the repetitive shouts of Auntie Er’niang.
“Man,” she says when they’re finished, licking salt off her fingers. “Wow. Just. . . Wow.”
“What do we do now?” Xingqiu sighs.
Chongyun hopes they’ll give up. Of course, he’s wrong.
-
“We’re going where ?” Chongyun says. It’s the next week, sweltering hot in the middle of summer, and wants nothing more than to dunk his head in a bucket of ice water and never come up for air.
“Wangshu Inn,” repeats his troublemaking blue haired friend. “Please, Chongyun. Try to keep up, would you?”
“Is this some sort of scheme like I think it is?”
“Of course not!” Xingqiu snaps his book shut, tucks it away, and crosses his legs under him. “It’s sweltering hot, the middle of summer, and I’ll bet my first edition of Rex Incognito that you want to plunge into a pool of cold water and stay there forever.” He pauses and glances at Chongyun out of the corner of his eye. “Do I have your attention yet? Put your claymore down - why are you training now, anyways? It’s much too hot - and come sit.”
Chongyun sighs, plants his oversized sword in the ground, and takes a seat. “What?” He says, biting a popsicle.
“I, excellent friend I am, suggest we can escape the head in Dihua Marsh for a week or two. Wangshu Inn is open, and Xinyan said she was invited to give a performance there. Xiangling wants to learn how to make almond tofu from the chef, Hu Tao knows someone who lives there, and a change of scenery would inspire me to continue my novel.”
“I’ll be fine here,” Chongyun says, getting up to continue with his training before Xingqiu grabs the back of his jacket.
“I heard there’s a ghost there.”
It’s a trap. It’s so blatantly a trap, Xingqiu is not even trying to hide it, and he’s a fool to accept.
“Fine,” he sighs. “When do we leave?”
-
The inn is nice, actually. More peaceful than he thought it would be, although the calm atmosphere will most definitely go out the window as soon as his four friends are done unpacking.
“I’m going to the kitchen!” Xiangling pops into his and Xingqiu’s shared room to announce. “Do you want to come?”
Xingqiu is nowhere to be seen and they’ve travelled most of the day to get here with only a short break for lunch. “Sure,” he says. Accompanying Xiangling will get him out of whatever plan those two have cooked up, and the resident cook can probably keep Xiangling’s culinary antics mostly in check.
Hu Tao left to look for her friend and Xinyan mentioned talking to the innkeeper about a performance, so Xingqiu is the only one not accounted for- but whatever, because the inn’s almond tofu is really good.
“Uncle Smiley! Please teach me how to make this delicious-beyond-belief almond tofu!” Xiangling cries after her first bite. The chef seems startled at a strange girl and her fire-breathing, chili-eating panda asking for cooking lessons.
Chongyun leaves Xiangling happily measuring out sugar and milk and goes to the second-highest balcony. He can hear Hu Tao singing something above him if he closes his eyes-
“Chongyun,” a familiar and currently unwelcome voice says.
“What now, Xingqiu?”
“I found them,” his friend says. “They’re eating downstairs, if we hurry we can get a good spot-”
“I knew there was a reason why you insisted on taking us all out here!” Chongyun exclaims. “You just want to spy on Mr. Zhongli, don’t you?”
“No, this is just coincidence!”
Hu Tao’s singing stops. “He asked me to send Mr. Zhongli here on ‘business,’” she says, making quotation marks in midair and dangling her head over the balcony. All he can see is the top of her head and her pigtails.
“Xingqiu! You promised you didn’t have any underhanded motives.” Chongyun crosses his arms. “I said no!”
“Chongyun,” Xingqiu wheedles.
“No.” Chongyun says firmly, then gives up on any self restraint and jumps off the balcony to glide over the marsh like he had wanted to do since he saw the inn on the horizon this morning.
Hu Tao howls with laughter. “If you die out there, thirty percent off the funeral at Wangsheng!”
-
He spends the rest of the afternoon gliding around the marsh and freezing temporary ice bridges across the muddy water, returning to the inn only when it starts to get dark.
“Great news!” Xingyan beams when he arrives for dinner. “Ms. Goldet said I could play a few songs three nights from now! She even let me put up a poster in the noticeboard.”
Xiangling starts rambling about almond tofu and milk boiling over when Xingqiu pokes him.
“Look. Behind you, seven o’clock,” he whispers.
“It’s Mr. Zhongli, isn’t it?” Chongyun whispers back. “Why don’t you ask Verr Goldett about them?”
“Oh, good idea,” Xingqiu says in a normal tone. “I’ll be right back.” He folds his napkin and gets up.
“I didn’t mean that seriously!”
Xingqiu hears him, because he turns around to wave over his shoulder, but the annoyance doesn’t stop.
“Smiley Yanxiao wrote down most of the recipe for me- Chongyun, are you listening?”
“What?” Chongyun snaps back to attention. “Yes, recipe, then wha-” He chokes on his bite of Stone Harbor Delicacies. “Hot! Ah, ah, water-!”
Hu Tao bursts into laughter. He doesn’t forgive her until he’s downed half a bucket of water and gotten a new plate of food. At least he didn’t lose control and blank out this time.
-
“She said she can’t tell us about other guests without a legitimate reason,” Xingqiu reports the next day, disappointed. Hu Tao sighs.
You too? Chongyun thinks.
-
The next two days are spent trying to avoid Hu Tao and Xingqiu, who are determined to peek at the inn‘s guest book. That involves sticking close to Xinyan or Xiangling, or going to train in the water which isn’t as muddy as he first thought, fortunately.
The fourth day of their weeklong stay, Hu Tao declares a stop to snooping for the guestbook. “Xiao told me to stop.”
“And you’re actually listening to him?” Xinyan says before Chongyun can say the same thing.
“Who’s Xiao?” Xingqiu asks at the same time.
Hu Tao presses her fingertips together and tilts her head to the side, closing her eyes and smiling. “Secret!” She lilts. “Kidding, kidding. He’s the one I told you about, who lives here.”
“Oh, the one who likes almond tofu?” Xiangling says. Hu Tao nods. “Oh, so that’s why you kept asking me for two plates instead of one! Did he say if it was good or not?”
“Well, he sure didn’t appreciate the slime condensate you drizzled all over it yesterday,” Hu Tao quips. “‘Ruined the texture,’ he said. I’m not too fond of it at all, either.”
“How come I didn’t know who Xiao is?” Xingqiu pouts.
“Aiyah, you! I tried to tell you, but you were sooo busy looking for the guestbook-” Hu Tao twirls a lock of hair around her finger. “You didn’t even listen to me!”
“You’re not actually going to stop, are you?” Xingqiu says.
“Yes I am.” Hu Tao has dropped the playful persona. “If you continue, I’ll have to fight you.”
That kind of kills the mood until Xinyan speaks up.
“My show’s tomorrow. Y’all want to help me set up?”
“I’ll help,” Chongyun says quickly, before Xingqiu can rope him to anything crazy.
“Me too,” Hu Tao says. “In the afternoon, at least.”
“I’ll make some snacks for everyone who comes!” Xiangling offers.
“So will I,” says Xingqiu. He catches Chongyun staring. “Can I not assist a dear musician friend of mine without you being suspicious? It’s not like I have anything else to do. I can be in charge of handing out flyers.”
Chongyun should have guessed Xingqiu had an ulterior motive.
-
“You want them to dance together at the concert,” Chongyun says. “At Xinyan’s rock ‘n’ roll, loud, bright, very unromantic concert, you want them to have a romantic moment in front of crowds of other people when neither of them have, in your words only, shown each other a scrap of affection in public before.”
Xingqiu sighs. “Look, I know you think I’m crazy-”
“You are.”
“-And that they’re married to each other-”
“For Rex Lapis’ sake, they are!”
“-But I, for one, would like to see some solid, watertight proof of that and this is the perfect opportunity.” Xingqiu heaves a box into a shelf.
Chongyun buries his head into his sweaty arms and groans.
-
“Aww yeah.” Xinyan strums her guitar. “I’m raring to rock!” She plays another chord.
“Break a leg!” Xiangling says.
“Not literally, please,” Chongyun says.
Xingqiu hums, then closes his book. “Actually, I’m quite tired. Do you mind if I turn in early?”
“Planning something?” Hu Tao waves her fingers at him. “Leave the guestbook alone and I’ll let you live.”
“Murdering friends to speed up business is a terrible idea,” Xingqiu retorts. “You’re going to run out of friends very fast.”
“If I do kill you, the burial’s free!”
“Master Hu, please refrain from murder, even is business is slow.”
“Oh, Mr. Zhongli! What a surprise!” Hu Tao spins around and smiles. “I didn’t think this was your sort of thing.”
Zhongli looks confused. “I was personally invited to this concert and Xinyan’s music has always felt genuine to me. Why should I not attend?”
Xinyan blushes. “Aww, Mr. Zhongli. I’m just glad there are people who like my style out there.”
The temporary stage they’re on has attracted quite a crowd. “You’ll do great!” Xiangling says to Xinyan before Xingqiu herds them off. “Bye!”
“Well then, I’ll be off. Goodnight!” Xingqiu says, then retreats to the elevator.
“Weird guy,” Hu Tao says. “Are you coming with me and Xiangling to see if there are still any good spots left?”
“Ah. . . No, thank you. I’ll stick around the edges,” Chongyun declines. The night’s quite cool, but might not be enough to stop his yang energy from flaring up.
“I should get back to (Y/N),” Mr. Zhongli says. “A pleasure meeting you all.”
“Psst,” Xingqiu hisses just after the four of them have split up.
Chongyun has enough time to think, oh no, not again, before Xingqiu starts talking. “Mr. Zhongli’s near the side, over there, with (Y/N). Go ask Xinyan to play a romantic song, would you?”
The crowd is decently big and cheerful. There isn’t as much noise or fire as Xinyan’s usual shows, which is good, but also bad because everyone can see him.
“I’m not doing that.”
“What? Why not?”
“Go do it yourself!”
“Oh, well. Just try and get closer. Here I’ll hide behind you- That was my foot, ow!”
They end up making it to directly behind you and Zhongli without getting spotted.
“Now what?”
“Now we wait. And watch,” Xingqiu says.
The music continues, the crowd cheers, you and Zhongli stand side by side until the lights dim.
“Nothing happened,” Xingqiu says, disappointed.
“What did you think would happen?” Chongyun says.
“I don’t know. Maybe they’d hold hands or dance together?” Xingqiu frowns. “But would that really be enough to prove they’re married? If they aren’t we should get them together, at least.”
Chongyun has enough time to blanch at the thought before Xiangling spots them and waves to Xinyan.
“Xingqiu! I thought you went to bed!” Xinyan waves. “Did you catch the last number?”
“Your music was so explosive I had to get up and watch,” Xingqiu - the little liar - says. “I was at the back.”
“You look pale, Chongyun. What happened? Saw a ghost?” Hu Tao giggles.
“No ghost,” he says. “I’m just tired. That’s all.”
Later that night, Xingqiu props himself up on an elbow, across the room from Chongyun. “If they aren’t married, I think they should be,” he says. “Maybe we should-”
Chongyun groans into his pillow. “Xingqiu. One thing at a time. Let me sleep!”
He’s suspiciously silent the rest of the night.
-
Xingqiu is nowhere to be seen the day they’re supposed to leave. Chongyun isn’t sure whether he’s disappointed or resigned at first, but it shifts most definitely into “disappointed” when he catches Xingqiu loitering outside the door to the highest balcony, where you, Zhongli, and who he assumes is Xiao are sitting.
“We are about to leave for Liyue Harbor and you’re still spying on them?”
“Shh, Chongyun, or they’ll hear. Do you think they’re married?”
“They act like a married couple. Look, the one Hu Tao’s friends with is practically their son,” Chongyun hisses, gesturing at the trio on the balcony.
“We need more proof,” Xingqiu declares.
“My lord, please tell your ward that in this day and age it is typically not acceptable behavior to murder eavesdroppers, no matter how pesky they may be,” you say loudly.
“Perhaps one should consider the consequences of treason before they attempt it, and not attempt it if one is so inept as to be caught within the first minute,” an unfamiliar voice says.
“Xiao,” Mr. Zhongli admonishes.
“Sorry! Goodbye!” Chongyun shouts, and drags his friend down the stairs before he can do any more stupid things.
-
“I’m telling you! They act like they’re married, but are they really?”
“. . .Xingqiu. It’s almost one in the morning. We just got back from Wangshu Inn after a whole day of walking. You were the one who made us this late. And I really want to go home and sleep.”
“But-”
“I’m still disappointed I didn’t get to see a single ghost at the inn, even though you said there was one.”
“. . .”
-
This is their craziest plot yet.
“We’re breaking into their house. Come on, hurry!” Xingqiu tugs him down the street, across the road, and into an alley next to a walled-off gate.
“That’s illegal,” Chongyun says. “Oh, no. Oh, no way. Go break and enter by yourself-”
“I need a lookout!”
“Then ask Xinyan, or Xiangling, or-” He waves his arms and nearly smacks the stone wall. “Why me?!”
“Xingyans busy with her performance, Xiangling promised her dad she’d help at Wanmin tonight because she skipped out to listen to Mr. Zhongli with us that time you got stuck in the plants and also the week we spent at Wangshu Inn,” Xingqiu lists.
“Relax, Yunyun,” Hu Tao giggles from behind them. “Mr. Zhongli invited me over for dinner and gave me a key. Besides, he still owes me a meal for going over-budget with the Rite of Parting.” She twirls a gold piece of metal around her finger. “Shall we?”
“Of course, my lady,” Xingqiu says, offering her his arm. She beams at him. Chongyun sighs and follows them up the path.
Well, at least they’re on slightly less shaky legal ground. He isn’t sure about the etiquette of all this - Xingqiu is more well-versed in high society than him - but bringing over unexpected guests seems rude. He’ll blame Hu Tao for everything.
“Oh. More normal than I expected,” Xingqiu comments once the door opens. Chongyun doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary - it’s just a house. Dark wood furnishings, shiny trinkets, gauzy curtains - the sort of decor found in elegant mansions and palaces. All the furniture seems well-worn, some even having large gouges in the wood, the carved trinkets seem like regular Cor Lapis and Noctilucus Jade, the pottery finely shaped but patterned with archaic designs.
Hu Tao seems disappointed too. “Aiyah, I should’ve guessed he’s like this sort of stuff,” she says, picking up a stone deer the size of her finger and turning it over. “Grandpa to the core.”
“We should split up and search,” Xingqiu says. “Look for anything - love letters, old pictures, poetry.” Hu Tao seems to like this plan, moving over to a desk and rifling through the drawers. He follows Xingqiu down a hallway.
“What are we doing now?” Chongyun complains. “This has got to be illegal.”
“Not if we don’t get caught, my dear assistant,” Xingqiu says. He opens a door. “Aha! Exactly what I was looking for.”
“Oh, Archons above,” Chongyun mutters. “Xingqiu. You cannot be serious. What in Celestia’s name are you doing looking through their bedroom?”
“If you aren’t going to help me here, will you at least check if there’s another bedroom that looks slept in?” Xingqiu opens a cabinet and picks up a sheaf of papers. “Hmm. . . No good, just budgeting.”
“Xingqiu, what if they come back and catch us like this? What are you looking for anyway?”
“Relax. I made sure to tell Hu Tao to give Mr. Zhongli extra work to do. (Y/N) is at Xinyan’s concert.” He opens another cabinet. “More books. Nope.”
“Besides, Hu Tao will buy us time to escape if they do get back early. If you were a couple trying to hide scandalous things, where would you put them?”
“Under the bed,” Chongyun responds automatically before his brain catches up. “Wait, no, no- Is that what you’re looking for? Oh, Archons, please don’t.”
“There’s nothing under here,” Xingqiu says, crawling back out from under the queen sized bed. “Honestly, Chongyun. ‘Under bed.’ Everyone and their uncle keeps obscene things there.”
Chongyun gives up trying to stop his friend and helps him brush imaginary dust off his hair.
“Does that include you?” He asks. Xingqiu sputters.
“Of course not! I know better-”
“Does your brother, though?” Chongyun says.
Xingqiu is about to launch into his tirade involving martial arts novels, nosy maids, and leaping to conclusions when they hear Hu Tao.
“Wow, Mr. Zhongli! You’re back sooner than I thought!” She practically shouts. “Welcome home!”
Azure and arctic eyes meet. “Out the window,” Xingqiu whispers. He flings the panes open, slings a leg over the sill, and looks down. “Not too far of a drop. Let’s go.”
“Wait, Xingqiu-” Chongyun begins before his friend brushes his hand away and leaps out into thin air.
“Hurry up!” Xingqiu whisper-shouts from below. “Or I’m going to abandon you there and go to Wanmin.”
“Where’re you going? Just down the hallway? Oh, okay, I’ll wait in the living room!” Hu Tao bellows.
Oh, Archons, he can’t get a break, can he?
“Please don’t let me die,” Chongyun prays, pushing himself off the windowsill. “Oof- oh, thank Rex Lapis that wasn’t too bad-”
“Say your prayers later, run now.” Xingqiu hauls him up. “Hurry! Mr. Zhongli’ll be suspicious once he sees the window open. You didn’t flatten any shrubbery, did you?”
“Why didn’t you think of that sooner?” Chongyun says as they dash for the gate. Hu Tao waves at them from the living room window, the picture of innocence with a cup of tea.
“If I told you to shut the window then you would’ve gotten caught,” Xingqiu explains, pushing him through the gate. “Shut it behind you, it locks by itself- good. Why were you so scared? That’s only a second floor jump, you launched yourself off Wangshu Inn’s balcony without a second thought-”
“I had my glider with me then!”
They nearly crash into a Millelith rounding the corner. “Halt! You two, why are you running?”
Chongyun freezes.
“We’re late to meet a friend,” Xingqiu pants. “Ah- See? She’s right there.” He points across the street. “Hey, Xinyan!”
Indeed Xinyan is there, waving at them and already running over. “Hey, right on time,” she grins. “I need your help with this- which one sounds better?” She strums a chord, then another.
“The second one,” Xingqiu says. “Apologies, my liege.”
“Ah. Well then, be more careful and don’t run.” The Millelith soldier taps his spear on the ground, salutes, and steps back to continue on his patrol.
“We will! Thank you!” Xingqiu shouts at his retreating back.
Xiangling seems confused as to why they’re all so tired when they troop into Wanmin later that night. If only she knew, Chongyun thinks, almost asleep in his bowl of cold noodles.
-
The next day, Xingqiu comes over early. “Time to get up, Yunyun!” He singsongs, tossing the window even wider open. “Everyone’s meeting at Wanmin for lunch to discuss last night and plan our next move.”
Chongyun groans. “Leave me out of that. I want to sleep!”
“My friend, it’s nearly noon already. Is this truly how a disciplined exorcist behaves?”
Chongyun groans again, rolls over onto his stomach, and falls off his mattress. “Fine, fine. I’m awake. Happy?” He covers his eyes with his arm and yawns.
"Excellent. Then I shall see you at Xiangling's for lunch."
Xingqiu leaves his door open when he leaves, sharp footsteps retreating down the hallway and out the door. Chongyun gets up, stretches, and tugs on a clean shirt.
"Why me?” He says to the sparrow on his windowsill. It chirps at him and flutters off. He doesn’t know what he expected from it.
-
Xiangling’s gnawing the flesh out of a cold charcoal-roasted chestnut when he arrives at Wanmin half an hour later. “Want one?” She asks him, passing the bowl over.
“No thanks.”
“You may be wondering why I summoned all of you here today,” Xingqiu begins with more pomp than he deserves. “For the answer to that question, I must ask you to look behind me.”
Chongyun reluctantly glances over. “You have got to be kidding me,” He deadpans.
“We can hear them from over here,” Xingqiu whispers, excited. “Maybe today we’ll finally know if- Chongyun? Hey, wait, where are you-”
“Excuse me,” he says to you, “(Y/N), how long have you and Mr. Zhongli been married?”
“Why do you ask?” You say, looking slightly surprised. Zhongli sets his cup back down.
“My friend-” he points back at Xingqiu, who is trying to hide behind his book. “He wants to know so he can get you a gift on your next wedding anniversary.”
“For a very, very long time,” You answer, hiding your smile behind your teacup. “Does that answer your question?”
“Yes, thank you,” he says. “I’m very sorry for all the trouble we caused you trying to figure that out.”
You laugh. “I don’t mind. It was funny, trying to figure it out.”
“We still bothered you,” he says. “Thank you. I’ll leave you to some peace and quiet now.”
“My dear, why did you not tell me what the children were doing?” Zhongli says to you as Chongyun retreats.
“What was that for?” Xingqiu demands when he comes back.
“Why’d you ask?” Hu Tao says. Xiangling and Xinyan have stopped peeling and eating chestnuts to listen to him.
“You wouldn’t have stopped if you didn’t get a clear answer,” Chongyun responds. “I was squished between flowerpots, dragged halfway across Liyue and back, and made a criminal associate because of this.” He reaches for the bowl of chestnuts and picks out the biggest one. “You have your answer. They are, indeed, married.”
“Why’d you sign me up to gift them something for their wedding anniversary? Xiangling helped, so did Xinyan-”
“You were the one who asked me to shuffle the seating arrangements around!” Xiangling protests. “I got scolded for running off like that!”
“You said you and Chongyun would get arrested if I wasn’t there to cover for you that one time!” Xinyan says. “Obviously I didn’t want that!”
“Everyone’s paid their penance but you,” Chongyun says.
Hu Tao chuckles. “Even I had to catch up on work from that week we went to Wangshu. And it turns out they were married all along - Chongyun, of all people, could see that!”
“What do you mean, me ‘of all people’-”
Xingqiu looks equal parts betrayed and indignant. “But, Chongyun,” he begins. “Weren’t you even the tiniest bit curious-”
“I told you they were married,” Chongyun says. “I told you so.”