Work Text:
The sound of the door unlocking echoed through the empty apartment living room as Kun enters.
Tossing his bag towards the couch, he heads to the kitchen and gulps down a glass of cold water before letting himself free fall on the couch. Another long day of work has worn out his body. And it doesn't help that his boss seemed to be especially irritated of Kun today.
"Mr. Qian, I know you got this job through connections even though you're not a marketing graduate, but can you at least try not to act like you know better than everyone else here?" , his boss's voice is still playing inside his head like a broken track. It took all of his self-control not to argue. How the hell would I direct the interns then? Should I ask THEM for tips? This is so stupid.
But like he always does, he faked a smile and bowed down to ask forgiveness from his boss. He knows he can just call Xuxi and his boss will be in trouble. But that would go against his own principles. Asking Xuxi for a job was already not like him, but that time, he was desperate.
Kun and Ten have been together since the second year of college. How they met was quite peculiar, but despite the challenges, their relationship has persevered until they graduated. Ten was a dance major, while Kun majored in music. Both dreamt of a stable career in the entertainment industry. But unfortunately, one can never expect how hard life would be after college.
Dreaming is easy for dreamers, and hard for realists. But when it comes to reality, the latter finds it easier to adapt. After college, both Kun and Ten learned that the hard way ̶ life is especially harsh on dreamers.
Having already established a name for himself during college through the many dance competitions he joined, Ten got a pretty decent offer from a new dance studio near their university. But while Kun is certainly one with talent in producing, getting into Korea’s music scene is a difficult matter entirely. The two of them, determined to power through their relationship even after they have graduated, decided to move in together. While the first few months have been harmonious, the wave of reality eventually hit them ̶ Kun, especially. Ten’s earnings at choreographing and teaching dance lessons and what Kun earns from freelance jobs was not enough to cover their living expenses. Both of them worked really hard, but it still wasn’t enough.
One night, after coming back from the dance studio, Ten approached Kun and draped his hands over the chair to hug him from the back while he sat in front of his mini studio in their apartment. He scooched a little bit closer and sniffed Kun’s neck, as if trying to calm himself down. The older of the two knows the other too damn well to figure out something was bothering the younger. He always did this whenever he needed an anchor ̶ that anchor being Kun, specifically.
“What’s wrong?”, Kun hummed. He turned around to face Ten and pulled him towards the sofa, half-embracing him to rub his other shoulder. The younger sighed.
“It’s nothing… I’m just tired.”
Kun knows his boyfriend was merely dismissing the topic so he wouldn’t worry, but he didn’t push Ten to speak up. Something is definitely bugging the younger’s mind, but he knows Ten. He will open up if he wants to. And at that moment, the only thing he needed was Kun’s company, and that’s exactly what he will give him.
The days went on and Kun’s guilt kept eating him up every time Ten goes home dead tired while here he is, still trying to pursue his dreams, even though the chances looked dim. The conscience of him being a burden to Ten was eating him up, and he knew he could no longer just stand by and wait for the opportunity to come. He had to do something.
And so, with a shaking hand, he called his childhood friend. “Hello? Sicheng? Is Xuxi with you?”
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When Ten found out that Kun had asked Xuxi for a job at their marketing firm, he was livid. That night was the first time they fought for real ever since moving in together.
“Didn’t you say you wanted to be a music producer? Now what the fuck is this bullshit, huh?!” Ten spat, running his hand through his hair in frustration.
“Ten, it was necess ̶ “, Kun tried to explain, but Ten cut him off.
“Necessary?! Kun, we talked about this didn’t we? That if we were going to live together, it wouldn’t be at the expense of us giving up on our dreams! This isn’t right. This is just…”, the younger couldn’t finish his sentence as the tears he was trying to hold back ever since finding out the news started falling. “I... I don’t wanna do this to you, Kun. Not like this.”
Kun’s chest felt like it was being punched seeing Ten like that. But it still won’t stop him from going the practical path. He’d rather see Ten cry because of him, than see him burnt out because of the burden that comes with living together, not being able to enjoy living his dream. Seeing how much Ten has worked hard through the years, injury after injury, he knows the younger at the very least deserves to enjoy his dancing career. And even though it entails Kun having to sacrifice for a bit to lift the weight of living expenses off of their shoulders, he was willing to make that sacrifice. After all, at that moment, he loved Ten more than he loved himself. Not knowing the consequences he’d have to face later on.
He approached Ten and enveloped him in a tight embrace. “Sssshhh… It’s gonna be alright, Tennie. Don’t cry, please? This is just temporary. When I find a good offer, I will quit my job and pursue my dreams. Please don’t worry.” He said, wiping the latter’s tears away.
“You promise?” Ten asked, his eyes looking googly from all the crying. This made Kun laugh. “I promise.”
…except, that promise was hard to keep. Working at the marketing firm was harder than Kun had imagined. He had to put in more work and do some studying even after he had gone home, since he was new to the field. It came to a point where he wasn’t even able to touch his piano for months.
Kun was extremely smart from a young age, but even his intellect was not enough. They don’t teach you this in school. That no matter how smart or how talented you may be, the harsh realities that life throws at you will still make you kneel down, making you choose whether to give up or to swallow your pride and continue. And this whole situation has put Kun into the endless loop he is in now for two years. Working at the firm while waiting for an opportunity to knock on his door, while not being able to even produce songs to open up himself to said opportunities because of work. It’s like his life was at a standstill, but he can’t even complain. This was his own decision, after all.
“Qian Kun, what did I tell you about lying down on the sofa before taking a shower?” Ten complains after coming out from their bedroom and seeing Kun lying on the sofa, still in his work clothes. It was a light comment, Kun knows, and he’s even used to it, but he’s just too tired and burnt out that it irritated him. He didn't want to speak impulsively out of exhaustion and so, without saying a word, the older clenched his jaw, furiously picked up his things, and stomped straight to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
“Don’t you fucking pull an attitude on me!” he heard Ten scream from outside, but he didn’t care. He fished his phone out of his pocket and blasted some music to drown out the noise, both from Ten and his thoughts. Please, not today Tennie. I’m begging you. I’m trying so hard…
This cycle had gone on for months. Petty fights that turned serious due to added exhaustion from their work, waking up in the morning and not being able to see each other due to different sleep and work schedules, and the fact that Kun gave up his dreams for their relationship eating away at Ten’s mind every day, as the older felt the same guilt of burdening Ten with his sacrifice. All of these could’ve been solved with some communication. But even that’s hard. If they’re not dead tired from work, their schedules always overlap for them to even go out and have fun like before. Even the apologies and the cuddles that come after during the nights when they had a fight started becoming less and less sincere.
Along the way, they’d forgotten how the small things they did together felt like. Staying up till the dawn breaks doing nothing but sip on a warm cup of hot choco, cuddled together while looking at the cityscape. Long nights spent teasing each other over a series of horror and comedy films. Days when Kun experimented on some tracks while Ten let his body take over and dance to the rhythm, whining when Kun cuts it off because he’s unsatisfied with it even though Ten insisted it was good. Most importantly, even exchanging “I love you”s had long been forgotten by their own lips.
Both Kun and Ten can feel their relationship crumbling. But even though they want to save it, life has already taken a toll on both their mental health and their time for each other. At this point, they’re probably only hanging on for the sake of the promise they made to each other to stay together for as long as they could breathe. But both of them have noticed, but scared to admit, that right now, as healthy as their lungs might be, they felt suffocated.
“It feels like I’m standing on a sinking ship, and just staring into space while letting it slowly take on water.”, Kun admits to his friends, Sicheng and Xuxi, after the two dragged him away one day during his lunch break. “I know we have to talk about this. But we can’t even do that. These days, whenever we have as much as a conversation longer than 20 minutes, it always ends up in a fight. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just… tired.”
The couple exchanged looks for a few seconds and carefully observed their older brother as he almost lifelessly chomps on his food. “That’s a hundred-dollar meal, Sicheng, and he’s not even savoring it! It’s like Kun ge has really given up on life.” Xuxi whispers in Cantonese, making Sicheng elbow him on the side. Being together for god knows how long, they were able to pick up each other’s dialects. And yet somehow it still surprises Sicheng each time he perfectly understands what Xuxi is saying.
“Ow! Hey that hurts.” The taller man silently protested.
Sicheng ignored Xuxi’s pouty complaints and took a deep breath before calling their older brother’s attention. “Kun ge, I think what you both need is some time together. You yourself admitted that your relationship is going downhill because of adult life. Go out on a weekend and visit a place that’s memorable for the both of you, maybe?”. Kun merely sighed and slouched even further.
“I told you, Sicheng. We can’t do that. Ten is busy choreographing for a big boy group’s comeback, and as you can see, I’m also pretty much drowning in work.”
“Ge, that’s easy. I can tell your boss to give you a day off.” Xuxi said cheerfully, wiggling his eyebrows. Sicheng couldn’t help but laugh a little at his fiancé’s way of cheering their big brother up, even though he lightly slapped Xuxi’s arm to indicate to him to take this seriously.
“Thank you for the offer Xuxi but, I can’t ask you again for another favor. Mr. Lee will probably hate me more and I feel bad as well, taking advantage of your friendship like that again. Plus, it’s probably not that simple to solve this problem.”
“Cut the crap, ge. Don’t ever speak like that.” Both Sicheng and Kun subconsciously tensed up at Xuxi’s serious tone. The three of them have been the best of friends ever since they met in high school back in Beijing, and are even the ones who planned to fly to Korea for college together. And out of the three of them, Xuxi was always the cheerful one, the mood maker of their band of three brothers. But when it comes down to it, he can also be the most mature albeit being the youngest. They know each other well enough to know that when Xuxi speaks in that tone, you can no longer maneuver your way out of the topic.
“I know you, Kun ge. You’re probably thinking that because your degree doesn’t qualify you for the position, the only reason you got your job was because I pulled some strings. While that is partially true, I don’t want you to think that you don’t deserve this job. You know me, ge. The two of you and my family are the most important people in my life, but even so, I have a strict work ethic. I gave you that opportunity because it’s you, ge. You’re Qian Kun. Even though you majored in music, I know you never half-ass your work and responsibilities, and that if there’s someone I can trust my company with, it’s you. So please, don’t ever think of yourself like that.”
If tears can be served for lunch, Kun would already serve it to Xuxi on a silver platter. Xuxi can be blatantly honest when he’s being serious, but it never is of the degrading kind. And it always made Kun’s heart swell. Kun might not have been blessed with his own siblings, but for him, Xuxi, Sicheng, and his cousin Chenle back home were enough. How lucky could he be to have met such sweet brothers?
“Xuxi’s right, Kun ge. So please, just take the offer and go on a day off. I know things can’t be so easily fixed, but you have to start trying at some point. Besides, didn’t you start working for Xuxi because you wanted to lift the burden off of Ten’s shoulders? If you don’t try and save your relationship now, there might not even be a Ten beside you to work this hard for in the future. Isn’t all this for your relationship?”
That’s one of the scary things you find yourself in after forcing yourself to work for something you didn’t want for so long. When you can’t even remember why you started working in the first place. And you don’t even know where along the way did it start to program your mind to just live every day for your job. To work in order to maintain your economic status quo. That everything else is secondary compared to work. And Kun can’t believe it took a hundred dollar meal for him to realize that.
“Thank you, Xuxi, Sicheng. I’ll consider your offer, don’t worry. For now, I probably just need to… breathe.”
The couple knew better than to talk about this issue for the duration of their lunch. As much as they want their gege to be happy, they want him to get some rest and peace of mind for once too. After all, this would probably be the last time they’ll be able to eat together as three, since Sicheng would have to fly back to Beijing soon for a movie shoot. But something about seeing the way Xuxi and Sicheng looked like they could melt next to each other made Kun feel bittersweet. He’s extremely happy for his younger brothers, but at the same time it reminded him of how he and Ten used to be before everything went bullocks. And that longing for the past in his chest made him reach for his pocket to grab his phone.
Somehow the little texts he exchanged with Ten made Kun feel… less scared. Made him hopeful that they could still fix it with a little work. Nothing beats hard work . That’s a motto both of them lived by. And it’s probably one of the reasons why they drifted apart. They worked too hard for their jobs, and forgot to work out their spoiling relationship.
Kun felt the urge (and made a mental note) to hug and cuddle with Ten as soon as he saw him. After lunch, he happily walked to the office, humming a couple of random melodies from the top of his head. For the first few hours after the lunch, he honestly felt as if things were gonna be better with Ten. He just needs to be home to make it work. But he underestimated himself . After finishing his remaining paperwork, almost going into overtime, Kun’s steps felt heavy. Not with emotions, but with lack thereof. It’s one of the things Kun caught himself feeling over the past months. Just… emptiness. It’s like an empty void has decided to settle it’s way into his heart, and his stomach especially. He couldn’t even enjoy the cold ice cream the security guard regularly offers him on the way out of the company building. It’s one of those days when even producing tracks or watching aircraft documentaries could not make him feel even the slightest bit of joy. And he doesn’t know how to fix it. How to fix himself .
He tried to suppress the wave of thoughts that tried to take over his mind and told himself it would probably go away the moment he sees Ten. A slight ecstatic feeling grew inside him. With a hopeful heart, he opened the door to their apartment and called out for the man in question.
“ Tennie? ” he called the first time. “ Chittaphon~~ ” the second.
“ Ten, are you home? ” Kun called louder as his breathing started to feel ragged. He can feel his stomach start to turn as his emotions sank deeper each second he couldn’t hear Ten’s voice answer him. He tried to check the kitchen, but instead of Ten, what waited for him was a note placed on the fridge.
Went out with Johnny and Jaehyun.
Don’t wait for me.
- Ten
Wet tears blurred the writings of the note Ten left behind as Kun let himself fall down on the floor, leaning against the fridge. His lungs felt like they were caged as he tried to level his breathing. He felt like throwing up. Since Ten wasn’t there, he didn’t bother holding back his tears. He hates this. He hates himself. He hates that he looks so pathetic and childish with all of these mood swings. He hates that such petty and simple things made him cry and spiral. He wasn’t like this. He usually had a better control over his emotions. But over the past months, he turned into the emotional wreck he is right now. One moment, feeling so empty that even talking felt like a task, and the other so fragile that a simple thing can make him cry for reasons he sometimes doesn't even know. He just... felt it. To other people, even to Ten, it might look like Kun was still his old, calm and composed self. Why wouldn’t they? He was particularly meticulous at hiding the demons that flocked his mind. Whenever he felt like having these episodes, he locked himself somewhere Ten wouldn’t notice him, and then acted like nothing was wrong after. Whenever his emotions got the better of him, he couldn’t even explain to Ten why he was being an ass. And he can’t even bring himself to apologize like he always does because it might make him break down in front of the younger, and that’s the last thing he wanted.
Kun has been a smart and introspective kid ever since he can remember. He’s not dumb. He knows that whatever was happening to him implied something he was scared to admit.. But he never tried to get himself checked. He’s scared. Scared that he might not be able to hide it from Ten anymore if he told other people. Scared that Ten might suffer with him. So even if it killed him, he dealt with it in what he thought was the best way to not burden those around him.
Feeling that familiar hollowness in his stomach, Kun got up and ran towards the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet bowl as he vomited whatever remains of the lunch he had with Sicheng and Xuxi. He stayed there for a couple of minutes as he tried to get his strength back before moving to the sink to wash his face. Fuck, it’s still there. He might’ve puked everything already, but his stomach still felt hollow. The wave of thoughts that flooded his mind wasn’t so merciful either. “ Qian Kun, please stop it. That’s enough… please.” he said out loud, as if trying to convince himself. But this time, it didn’t work like usual. He needed something. Something to ground him to reality.
Kun would be lying if he said he didn’t feel like hurting himself before. The feeling was always there. But every time he felt the urge to, whatever remained of the rational part of his brain managed to stop him. But this time was different. He felt like… well… honestly, he doesn’t even know what he felt. Pain? Confusion? Emptiness? He didn’t know. It felt like he was being bombarded with so many thoughts and feelings at the same time that he can barely manage to think straight. His hands were shaking, and the tears that started earlier didn’t seem like it would stop any time soon. He wished his heart felt painful. But it didn’t. It felt hollow . And that feeling was worse than pain. At least pain grounded him and told he was alive. But this... Damn this isn’t gonna work , Kun thought.
And then… it caught his eye. Ten’s razor blade. It’s funny cause Kun always found it uncomfortable that Ten only uses the blade without the razor. And even scolded him regularly cause it might accidentally cut someone since he usually left it just by the sink. Who knew it would be…. fuck.
Kun took the blade with his shaking hand and angled it just above his left wrist. He felt scared. In his 25 years of existence, he never once tried to physically hurt himself. But right now, he just needed to feel pain to ground him to reality. To feel something . To distract him from his thoughts. He wasn’t going to kill himself, no. Though he can’t deny he wanted to, he was still a pretty selfless person despite everything. The only thing preventing him from doing the deed is the thought of leaving Ten scarred. That the guilt might consume Ten. He didn’t want to put the man he loved more than his life through that. But… he was still human. He had to do something at the very least, even if he can’t allow himself to fall down the pits of eternal slumber.
“What… are you doing?” Kun froze. He barely even pushed the blade deep enough to make a cut when his heart that seemed to have fallen into the void, jumped in surprise. He can’t look at the man standing in front of the bathroom door that Kun forgot to close right now. Didn’t he go out?
“Ten… I thought you were…” the older finally managed to look at Ten. God, he wished he didn’t . Ten looked like he had been splashed by a cold bucket of water. His pretty eyes were shaking in shock, looking back and forth at Kun and his razor blade. “KUN WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” He cried out, the panic finally settling into his system.
Kun wanted to let go of the blade, but even though Ten was there, the want to hurt himself never left him, and instead grew stronger. It still tugged at his system like a miasma of urges that took over him. With half of his rational mind barely functioning in the plethora of thoughts and emotions that overtook him, he tried to discreetly cut himself by clenching his right hand over the blade instead of cutting his left wrist. But Ten didn’t miss that .
“KUN!” The younger ran towards Kun and grabbed his fist to try and unclench it. But the other’s hold on the blade was like vice. “KUN LET GO! PLEASE!” Ten pleaded from the top of his lungs.
Kun’s head was still in a daze. It felt like his head was spinning and didn’t know where to focus. He needed to ground himself, and right now that blade was the only thing keeping him from spiraling even further. Ten probably felt that. And so, instead of fighting him, he hugged Kun instead, holding him as if he was going to disappear at any moment. Something about feeling the younger’s muffled cries and heavy sobbing made Kun let go of the blade. For a couple of seconds, the two of them stood there in the cold bathroom. An echo of sobs bouncing off of the walls as blood dripped from Kun’s hand. In a wave of thoughts and regrets that usually came after his breakdowns, Kun realized. It wasn’t adulthood and work that’s hurting Ten. He was.
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It didn’t surprise Kun when the next morning, instead of seeing Ten, he saw Sicheng waiting for him in their living room. “Sicheng? Why are you—” Kun barely finished his sentence when Sicheng enveloped him in a desperate hug. He knows...
Sicheng bit back the urge to cry and be angry at Kun, and instead, composed himself as he broke free from the hug. He knows his Kun ge doesn’t need another emotional session so early in the morning.
“Ten sent me here to look after you.” … came what Kun thought so. After seeing him almost lose himself last night, it must’ve scared Ten. And it didn’t come as a surprise to Kun. After all, it’s the very reason why he tried to hide his suffering all this time. Cause he knows Ten would blame himself. He knows Ten would be scared that he’s causing Kun to break. And as much as it pains him, it’s the truth. The two of them are really just hurting each other at this point. Love… wasn’t enough after all.
Xuxi took over Sicheng to check up on Kun after the latter had to go back to Beijing for his shoot. Weeks came by and Ten never came back. Kun missed him. He missed him so much, but he knows. He knows it’s what’s good for the both of them. At this point, they’re not just trying to have time off each other. Both of them know, the only thing they’re waiting for is for someone to break the glass cage they’re both trapped in.
“Ge, Yixing ge called. He’s asking for you.” Xuxi said after Kun got out of the shower. He hadn’t showered in weeks. He honestly wouldn’t have taken one since it felt like a chore to him rather than a necessity. Something about being in the shower will only make his thoughts take over him again. Gone was the Kun who cared so much about how much he smelled good. But today, he felt apologetic to Xuxi, so he took a bath. The kid had a very sensitive nose, and Kun knows he’s barely holding it in since he wanted to be there for him.
“Yixing? Zhang Yixing?” Kun asked, confused. He had met Zhang Yixing only a couple of times whenever their university had an alumni reunion party. And Zhang Yixing was known as one of the two alumni from their course who are among the most successful in their university after college. The other being Yixing’s best friend, the current university president, Kim Junmyeon. He was close with Junmeyon, but not with Zhang Yixing, despite them being both one of the very few Chinese alumni. When Kun entered University, they two had just graduated, and he only got close with Junmyeon because the latter had asked him a favor once. As for Xuxi, he got close with Yixing because of business. Zhang Yixing is the CEO of one of the biggest entertainment companies in China right now, and the Huang family’s company is one of their partners.
“He asked me if you were interested in working for his company as a full-time producer.” Xuxi excitedly exclaimed. Kun was shell-shocked. This was it. This was the big break he had been waiting for all his life. And for a top company in his own country at that, this was more than what he had asked for. Kun was about to join Xuxi in his victory dance when he remembered something.
“I can’t.” Kun said, making Xuxi stop dancing and look at him like he had grown eight legs. “What about Ten? I can’t…” But the painful reality bit him before he can even continue. Ten… was Ten even still holding on to him? Would he be happy if Kun stayed? Kun was yet again about to give in to his thoughts when Xuxi caught him. And thank god that out of all the people that could be with him at that moment, it was Xuxi.
“Kun ge.” the younger started. “Haven’t you already seen enough what your selfless sacrifices had done to both you and Ten ge? Do you seriously want to put yourself and Ten ge under the same glass cage of guilt all over again?” Xuxi said, ever so softly, knowing Kun needed an advice, more than a scolding right now. “If you think you can still save your relationship by staying, then I will continue to support you. But if you’re just scared of the inevitable, please ge… free yourself from the agony.”
Kun pondered over this for days. He asked Xuxi if he could be alone, to which the younger hesitantly agreed after Kun convinced him that he’ll be alright. He spent a lot of time inside their empty apartment, just lazing around, drowning himself in thought. When it felt like nothing good will come out of shutting himself in, Kun went out for a drive either in the middle of the night or early in the morning to catch the sunset. These past couple of days felt like a free trial of what would happen if he’d let go of Ten. Though it was painful not waking up next to Ten’s pretty face in the morning, not having Ten waiting for him with a fresh towel after he comes home from his morning jog, and not having to cook an extra portion for Ten to eat, it felt… peaceful. He still longed for Ten. He still wanted him in his life. But sometimes, reality wasn’t that easy. And right now, Kun finally realized. What they both need is to let go.
Addiction comes in many forms. And to Kun, it was making Ten happy. But like all vices, it can ruin people. And what Kun is probably going through right now is probably one of the consequences. If he really wanted both of them to be happy, he has to let go. After all, with his life and his mind being a total wreck right now, he’d just burden Ten even further. And he owed it both to Ten and to himself to try and fix his life. Because the way he is now, he didn’t deserve Ten, nor did he deserve himself. Kun has finally realized that out of all the people he might’ve hurt throughout the process, it was his own self which he hurt the most. And he has to learn how to be better to himself. Nothing will ever fall into place if he remains stuck in his selfless world of self-sacrifices.
Taking in the sound of the crashing waves and seagulls flying over the horizon, Kun took his phone and clicked on the icon of the person he loved the most in the world.
When Ten received Kun’s text, he already braced himself for the inevitable. He took a deep breath to keep himself from falling apart before opening the door to the apartment they once called their home. But all the composure Ten mustered up immediately started crumbling the moment he saw Kun’s luggage, neatly lined up just right by the entrance. He had to secretly punch his thigh to stop his legs from shaking. He was scared . Scared that he might fall down to his knees and beg Kun not to leave. And most of all, scared that the other might choose Ten over his own dreams again. No. He cannot do this again to Kun. He’s been selfish long enough, and look at what it did to their relationship.
“Hey,'' Ten called. The older who seemed to be staring into space, sitting on the sofa while waiting for Ten to come, looked back and gave him a soft, endearing, yet painful smile. He looked airport ready ̶ raven black hair pushed back and wearing the white v-neck dress shirt that Ten loves so much. The younger wanted to tease Kun about his airport fashion to ease the tension. But he caught himself. Instead, he remained silent, fearing that his voice might break if he did. Because he knows. He knows this would probably be the last time he’ll see the painfully handsome man in front of him.
“Tennie.” Kun called, breathless. Ten can barely keep himself composed as every breath that Kun took made him want to just give up and cry against the older’s chest. But he knows he can’t. From here on, not anymore.
“It’s okay, Kunnie. I understand. You don’t have to explain. I understand.”
For a couple of minutes, they just stood there. Staring at each other and memorizing the other’s facial features. Looking eye-to-eye for the first time in months, and communicating more than what words can say. They still love each other. But right now, they love each other enough to know letting go is what they both need.
Kun was the first one to close the distance between them and envelop Ten in one final hug. Both of them clung to each other as if their life depended on it. But like a buoy that keeps you from sinking, they are still bound to leave that temporary safe haven to find the shore.
“I’ll miss you.” Kun whispered, not bothering to filter his shaking voice. Ten bit his mouth as hard as he can so that Kun won’t hear his sobs, tears rolling silently without the older knowing.
“I’ll miss you too, Papa Bear.” Ten felt Kun chuckle at the nickname as the younger discreetly wiped away his tears before breaking the hug. He helped Kun straighten up his shirt and tried his best to smile. After all, this smile would be the last memory Kun will have of him. “Off you go, then.”
Kun nodded and gave Ten’s hand a tight squeeze before picking up his luggage and leaving for the door.
His hands were shaking when he reached for the door.
Kun stopped for a moment, contemplated for one last time as Ten's sobs silently echoed behind him. They know it hurts. They know their hearts will probably not be able to recover from this for a while.
But nobody moved.
Nobody dared to face the other.
Cause they feared that if they do, they won't be able to move forward, and just be a burden for the other.
Whichever dumbsh*t made letting go romantic and heroic in movies, they're damn well wrong. Not when Ten feels like his heart was crumbling, waiting for Kun to go out that door and leave before it finally shatters into pieces.
Nothing about this is romantic at all.
But if there's something right about the movies, it's that letting go is something they both need.
Ten concentrated on every step and every move that Kun made, subconsciously hoping for something. But the moment Kun’s presence disappeared from their own home, the reality dawned on Ten in what seemed like a wave of ice-cold water. By instinct, he reached for the door, but managed to stop himself before he ran after the older. The strength left his legs as he slumped on the floor, trying his hardest not to let a sound out as he silently screamed in pain and heartbreak. Ten opened the door after a moment had passed, but ended up back down in despair seeing no one outside. Kun was gone. For good.
But Ten didn’t know. He didn’t know Kun hadn’t left until a minute before he opened the door. Kun too, stood right outside their apartment. Waiting for a sign for him to turn back and kiss the love of his life senseless. But it never came.
See, that’s the thing about life. It isn’t always like the movies where the universe plays kind and helps them out after breaking their hearts. This is reality. There is no such thing as fate nor destiny. Just love, life, and decisions. And this is the decision the both of them made.
After staying at the door for more than an hour, Ten finally managed to let himself back inside. He couldn’t do it without crying though. How could he when everything reminds him of Kun, even though there were no longer any traces of Kun left. He’s annoyingly considerate, that one. Ten thought to himself over sobs. He knew Kun made sure to rid the apartment clean of his things so Ten wouldn’t sulk over something that reminded him of the older. Except, one thing .
Ten saw Kun’s old video camera as he was rummaging through the cabinet for something, anything Kun might have possibly forgot to bring with him. And he was right. He did forget something. Ten smiled. Of all the things Kun left behind, it had to be his old video camera.
Ten often teased Kun about it even when they were still friends in university. He seldomly caught Kun filming himself singing a cover of a song that resonated with him randomly. The older said, it’s so he won’t forget the feelings he had that day. Kun didn’t hear the end of it from Ten as he teased him how much of an old soul he is, but deep down, Ten found it extremely endearing. It’s one of the things that made him fall for Kun—how genuine he is as a person.
Ten scrolled through the recordings in the camera and recognized all of them, except for one new video he had never seen before. Without thinking, he pressed play.
The video showed Kun looking like he hadn’t showered, nor eaten in days. He looked so lifeless that it pained Ten. But the moment he strung the guitar, it’s like a part of him has been brought back to life . Kun really does shine with music.
The first few lyrics barely registered inside Ten’s head, but he recognized it to be a One Ok Rock song. Ten was the one who introduced them to Kun during college, but through the years the older seemed to have become more of a fan than Ten. And this song ...
I was so scared of heights before I fell for you
Felt like we had nothing but time
Lie to each other, but we know it's true
Our love was young and born to die
I remember when we stayed up till the daylight
I remember when you told me you were all mine
I hope you know that it wasn't easy
Letting go of the life I knew
I just had to get out, move to the city
Didn't feel right taking you with me
Hope you know that it wasn't easy letting go
The lyrics stabbed Ten like a thousand daggers. He realized how much of a tough decision Kun might’ve made to choose his own self over Ten. It’s painful because he knows he wasn’t able to give the same sacrifices for Kun. Over the course of their relationship, Ten was always at the receiving end. And whenever he did something for Kun occasionally, the older would always make sure Ten knew how much it meant the world for him, and that he didn’t have to, cause he’s lucky enough to have Ten
A wave of memories flashed inside Ten’s head and it made him want to cry. The times they spent watching horror movies till morning even though Ten spent the entire movie hiding under Kun’s embrace. The times they spent bickering over petty things and end up laughing at how silly they are. The times when he’d wake up to the smell of Kun bringing him breakfasts in bed. Oh god, he misses him already.
By instinct, Ten left the room to search for Kun and dip his head on the crook of his neck to calm himself down like he always did. But Kun was no longer there.