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Bucky doesn’t think he was supposed to see that.
No, correction: he knows he wasn’t supposed to see that.
It isn’t every day a centenarian who is helping his guy-not-partner-coworker’s family’s seafood business out that he catches said owner of the business making out with one of the people who had stopped by as a customer.
A female customer.
A female customer who now that he thought about it never truly bought anything.
And said female maybe-not-a-customer was making out with his not-partner’s sister in the back of the boat that he had gone on to check the engine because apparently for all of Sam’s mechanical genius he cannot figure out a damn boat engine.
But, point stands. Sarah Wilson was still making out with some female in the darkness of the boat.
And he certainly shouldn’t be seeing this.
What Sarah does is Sarah’s business is the mantra that rings in his head as he turns away and attempts to make his way back to the dock silently.
He fails.
You know, for one of the most deadly assassins, he really sucks when it comes to stealth.
Note: maybe this is a further sign that he is no longer the Winter Soldier, distancing himself from that robotic, cold persona into an apparent klutz.
By that, he means, he ran into a damn pole.
“Shit.” He whispered silently before catching himself, but it was too late, Sarah and the not-customer (damn what the hell is her name?) were breaking apart and turning to face him as he clutched his head in pain for a quick second.
“Bucky?”
Fuck.
“Hey, Sarah.” Was all he replied. Should he say something? In the 40s there had been a time or twice where he had been in one of the more sketchy clubs and caught sight of two dames or two men getting it on, but back then Bucky just had the courtesy to turn around and say nothing. Not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention to the couple.
Was that still how it worked now?
Hell, probably not. He lived in a world of Google and Vine (which Shuri had kept sending him,) there was probably some kind of protocol or safety measure or document he had to sign to ensure that this didn’t get out. It seemed like a lot but Bucky understood. The world had certainly taken a turn when it came to preventative legal measures and the last thing Bucky wanted was Sarah (who was now likely somewhat high profile as Captain America’s sister) to be attacked for something like this.
He must have been silent for too long because now Sarah and the not-customer were looking at him funny as he continued to stare (maybe Sam had a point about that problem, not like he’d ever admit it.)
“Lacie, can we have a minute?” Was all Sarah said before the not-costumer (Lacie?) nodded before brushing Sarah’s hand and pecking her on the lips before walking away with a smile as she passed him by.
How could they still be so casual about this?
Surely they knew that it wasn’t safe anymore, because if Bucky found them surely someone else could, and even then how can they do this in public and-
“Bucky?”
Sarah.
He stopped staring holes into the boat’s floor and looked up at her, who looked primarily worried (and not that scared, how could she not be scared?)
“I- I won’t tell anybody.” He responded, wanting to just get this out of the way because there was no way he was going to have anyone find out about this and use it to hurt Sarah.
But then she looked even more confused until something seemed to click in her brain and-
“Lacie and I are together. That’s okay now, people are a lot more accepting of it- I mean there are still jerks but same-sex marriage is legal and there is no law against me and Lacie being together.”
And Bucky was, again, stunned into silence.
“Bucky?”
Wow, his name is being said a lot today.
“People are okay with this?” He blurted out.
Wow, that may have come out a lot more rudely than he intended. Because Sarah’s whole face became stern, glaring at him.
“If you have a problem with this-”
“No! No- just- I- you...like girls?”
Because Sarah had two sons. Sarah had been married before her husband passed. Was the marriage just a cover for-
“I like both actually. Guys and girls.”
“Both?” Because how did that work? Was that possible? Could people-
“Yeah. I loved my husband. Still do to this day. But Lacie… she’s amazing. I’ve dated other guys and girls in the past as well of course-”
“People can like both?”
Sarah just stopped.
“Yeah, of course. Bucky… are you okay?”
Was his face going white? It felt like his face was going white.
Sarah just grabbed his left arm and dragged him to sit, him going along with her despite the fact he could easily break free because he was apparently having some kind of crisis.
It was quiet for a few minutes before Bucky spoke again.
“So, people like- it’s normal to like both?”
Because despite Bucky’s head being like scrambled eggs, he remembers love. He remembers attraction. To that one baseball player. To a cashier at a mart, he went to. To the king of Wakanda who, holy fuck had no right looking that good.
And he thought maybe Hydra had screwed him up. Maybe they screwed around with his memories. But even now there were men who would cause Bucky to pause.
Men like Sam.
But he thought Hydra had just broken that part of him. Because he liked girls too and there was no way- Maybe he was just making it up- It couldn’t be real-
“Yeah,” Sarah responded, “Bisexual for one, that’s when you like two or more genders. There are more broad terms like pansexual or polysexual as well, those mean liking all genders or liking many genders.”
Wait- what?
“Aren’t there only two genders?”
Sarah just shook her head, “Gender is more a binary now, think a straight line and at one end is male and the other is female, there is all that space in the middle that some people are in. Some people don’t even identify as a gender.”
What- okay, that was going to give him a headache.
“Oh.”
Sarah just stared at him for a bit more as he went silent again.
“I’m happy for you. Lacie seems nice.” Was all he said after a while of sitting in the silence. Because this was apparently okay now and now Bucky’s head was full of facts he did not know originally.
“She is. Yeah. The boys don’t know yet though. I don’t want to tell them about her until I know it’s serious so-”
“Yeah, no problem.” He responded, and Sarah looked at him for a bit more with those kind, dark Wilson eyes before standing up.
“I’m going to check on Sam, make sure he and the boys haven’t started a fire.”
“With Sam there not having a fire is impossible.”
They both snorted briefly, remembering Sam Wilson and the pancake fiasco before Sarah went and left, leaving Bucky alone to his thoughts.
Later that night, Bucky rolled around on the Wilson’s couch (Like that couch in Restoration Hardware you want with all the pillows that has the deep sides. It’s like a daybed but a couch. It’s like a $5,000 couch and then they have the cashmere blankets that are too small but they’re so warm you curl up to fit under them. They have those. It’s a good couch, it’s a good couch) for quite a while before he got up and started asking Google more about what Sarah said.
Because Sarah is such a good person that he should understand more about what she said, and maybe this would mean that he wasn’t as broken as he thought. Maybe it was normal?
Needless to say, he went down a rabbit hole.
Sexualities. Genders. The LGBTQ+ Community. The Stonewall Riot. Gay Rights Movement. Same-Sex Marriage.
He just started and couldn’t stop.
He spent an especially long time on a site talking about the variations of sexualities and the difference between romantic and sexual interest.
And soon, he began keeping a running tally of how many things that LGBTQ people mentioned that he could relate to.
But despite all this, despite the support and information so many sites gave him, he could feel his chest tightening up. His heart rate increasing. And it wasn’t before long he was rushing out of the house onto the dock to breathe.
Because how was this right?
Queer people weren’t normal. They couldn’t be. And maybe this is more proof of just how wrong he is. How wrong of a human he is. How broken he was.
But Sarah is bisexual his mind whispered.
And he stopped.
Because Sarah was. And she was one of the kindest, bravest, most amazing people he had ever met. She was an amazing mom and sister to the boys and Sam. She let him into her house without question.
Sarah was good.
But, according to what he knows, what society had told him, homosexuality is bad. A sin. Just wrong.
But the internet says it’s not bad.
Shit, Bucky was confused.
Good? Bad? Good?
Fuck.
Now, if only there was someone he knew that knew everything.
Oh, wait.
He pulled out his phone again (which he must have pocketed before he ran out of the house) and dialed Shuri’s number.
What time was it in Wakanda?
Shit- he should probably let the kid sleep.
“Sergeant Barnes? You know, Wakanda isn’t very happy with you right now-”
Too late for that.
“Shuri,” he breathed “It’s Bucky you know? You can call me that.”
“Yeah, yeah. Mother has been forcing me to attempt to be more “polite” to foreign guests, figured I owe it to my favorite white boy. Yes, you are still my favorite white boy despite the shit you pulled.”
“Well don’t. Sounds too unnatural for you.”
She just laughed through the phone.
“How’s it going, old man? Any memes you wanted explained? Want to yeet some fre shavocado at your face?”
“I understood none of those last words.”
“Damn we need to get you cultured.” She snorted back, probably already planning her next attempt to assault Bucky’s phone with these memes and vines she liked, likely with the help of that annoying Spiderboy.
“I did have a question.” He said hesitantly.
“Yeah?”
Could he ask this? Should he ask this? Was it wrong? Would she figure something out?
“Gay people.”
He could hear her pause on the phone before… “Yeah?”
“I- uh- Sarah mentioned that they were okay and I’ve been doing some research about sexualities and genders and I just wanted to see if. If it’s true? If it’s okay? I don’t know.”
Why did he think calling Shuri was a good idea? Fuck. She probably thought he was crazy or queer or both.
“Yeah Bucky, it is. I-uh- I’m actually a pansexual. That’s when-”
“I know what it is.”
“Yeah?” She responded, “It’s okay now, truly, I mean people still sometimes have problems with it but it’s more accepted now. More celebrated. Why?”
He stopped.
Why?
He couldn’t tell her about Sarah. According to Google, that was “outing” which was something really bad and he didn’t want to hurt Sarah in any way and-
“I think I’m bisexual.” He heard his voice croak, his eyes starting to blur as his mouth blurted that out without his mind’s consent. Fuck.
The line paused.
“I’m proud of you Sergeant Barnes. Truly. I want you to know you are still the same man no matter what, there is nothing wrong with you. I’m here if you have any questions.”
“Thanks,” he cracked out, tears now dripping down his face.
“You okay now? Was there anything else you wanted to ask?” She asked, voice staying level and kind in that way she used to when she had first started helping him deprogram and fix the damage on his old left arm and left shoulder, nothing like the joking teenager from minutes ago.
“No-uh. That’s all. Thanks, I-”
“It’s okay Barnes. And truly, thank you for telling me and I’m glad to help.”
“Um- okay thanks. Uh- I’ll talk to you later?”
“Oh, soon Barnes. I’m already planning on sending you a ton of gay memes now.”
“You really like torturing me huh?” He said, even though both knew he would be awaiting the arrival of said memes like an old man awaiting the newspaper.
“You know it.” She responded before she ended the call.
Somehow this made Bucky feel a million times better.
There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.
After that late night/early morning call, Bucky continued his research whenever he could before coming to the conclusion that yes, he was bisexual.
Because after what he felt for T’Challa (who holy shit was so damn attractive), and Dave, that barista, but also Natalia and Rosie and even Sarah for a bit (even though he mostly flirted with her to mess with Sam), he knew that there was no way he was straight but also that he was not broken.
Bisexual.
They had a flag and a culture and million memes and just forums of people to talk and discuss.
And it was a community.
Because Bucky wasn’t broken or alone.
From there he mostly did more exploring on his own. Getting more into the weeds when it comes to LGBTQ history and various identities to learn about. Because history seems to forget the James Buchanan Barnes was a huge nerd. And the fact that there was now a community for people like him was overwhelming.
Shuri also continued to send him a million memes, mostly pertaining to bisexuality but sometimes went outside of that as a way to get him “educated” in both queer (which yes, he learned he could use without it being a slur) and meme culture.
That annoying Spiderkid also “helped”, with Shuri and the nuisance putting Bucky into a group chat because Bucky mentioned she could tell the kid once, and now he was unable to find a way to exit and they were sending him a million random memes or vines daily.
And the SpiderAnnoyance was also both trans and bi, so that certainly gave Bucky some perspective.
After a while, Bucky even started keeping multiple notebooks for his research, one for LGBTQIA+ history, one for gender theory and the array of sexualities, and one of just queer culture that apparently the kids thought he should know. Like apparently people can move out of the way if a gay person is making copies? Bucky was still confused on that part.
This wasn’t to say Bucky didn’t still have doubts, because he did. But the fact that both the SpiderNuisance and Shuri were so open about their own experiences and the LGBTQIA+ community as a whole certainly helped to some extent.
Eventually, about a month or so later, he ended up seeing Sarah alone on the dock and walked over to her.
“I’ve been thinking for a bit.” He said, likely startling the woman because he was still not one to always start conversations, especially out of the blue like this. But Shuri and SpiderBaby had both said that maybe it would be good for him to talk to her, and even he had agreed.
“Yeah?” She asked, probably confused as to where Bucky was going with this.
“Yeah- uh. I did some research and I’ve been talking to some people and uh- I just thought-”
She was still looking at him confused, and Bucky knew he just needed to get the words out.
“I’m bisexual.” And despite having already come out to Shuri and later the SpiderAss, despite having said this to himself in the mirror so many times, it was different saying it in person to another.
He could feel himself starting to get worked up again before Sarah just wrapped her arms around him as he shook.
“Bucky? Thank you for telling me this. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for you.”
“Yeah?” He sniffled back.
“Yeah. I mean- I was scared when I came out and my parents were pretty accepting, but given where you grew up…”
“It’s hard.”
“I know.” She whispered back and continued to hug him until he felt himself calm down and he let go to wipe away any stray tears on his face with his good hand.
“You good?” She asked before her phone went off and he saw Lacie’s photo gracing the screen.
“Yeah, uh, you have to take it?”
“If we are good here? If not I can hold off.”
“No, Sarah, go ahead. I’m good here.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
And Sarah just nodded before answering her phone, talking to her girlfriend- which was still an odd thing for Bucky to think about sometimes- as she went.
“Thought I told you to stop flirting with my sister?”
Shit. Sam.
“Uh, what?” Because he wasn’t. Sarah had a girlfriend and despite the ladies man he once was, he was not going to break up a happy couple (and based on the new level of joy Sarah had lately, it was a very happy couple.)
“The hug man. Come on you aren’t even subtle. You know she is dating someone else right?” Sam said as Bucky turned around the face the guy who had a very unimpressed look on his face. The Captain America look that Bucky was lucky to rarely be on the wrong side of, both with Steve and Sam.
“I’m not- we’re friends.”
“Really?”
“Friends can hug Sam.”
“We’ve barely hugged.”
“Thought we were coworkers, not friends.”
“That’s cold man.”
But somehow, Sam still looked annoyed at him in a way he hadn’t seen since before they had beat the Flag Smashers.
“Seriously though, don’t toy with her-”
“I’m not-”
“I’m serious I will kill you.”
“Sam. I’m not. Okay?”
He said, putting his hands up like he was trying to surrender, but somehow, even after the conversation, Sam continued looking at him a bit warily. A bit longer than necessary, and all Bucky could wonder is that somehow their relationship had taken a step back all because Sam thought he was toying with his sister or something.
“Why don’t you just tell him?” The SpiderDick asked one night over StarkTime with Shuri and him.
“What no-”
“Barnes-” Shuri started to say.
But Bucky hung up before they could continue.
Because there was no way he was telling Sam.
Yes, Shuri, SpiderDouche, and Sarah had all been fine when he told them, but Sam was different.
Sam was kind and smart and brave and amazing and precious and his eyes had this beautiful glow when the sun hit them and his personality could make a grown man smile and he was just gorgeous and-
And Bucky could now say that any small crush he may have had has only grown since Bucky had begun looking into his sexuality more, and now he was struggling to look away when Sam was training because holy shit he was so gorgeous-
And Bucky was completely undeserving of him.
And Bucky losing Steve was horrible. His best friend and partner gone. But telling Sam his sexuality would only distance him more, and worse, he could figure out that Bucky’s staring was more than just a cyborg thing and there was actual attraction behind that.
And at best Sam would stop talking to him or their relationship would be ruined and at worst-
Well… Bucky had heard stories growing up about what happened to gay people or anyone outside the norm (hell, Steve’s mother was an Irish immigrant and Catholic, his own parents were immigrants from Romania in a time where immigrants as a whole were looked down upon) and despite the strides society had made, from what he has seen online and in public with people’s treatment of Sam and Sarah, there were still bigots out there.
And yes, Sarah had said her family was accepting and all, but Bucky couldn’t risk losing Sam over something like this.
Turns out, when it came to telling Sam he didn’t have much of a choice.
He hadn’t meant to leave his notebooks out, truly. He had been doing more research of LGBTQIA+ individuals from history and had gotten a call from Sarah for help fixing a part of the dock that was falling apart with his super strength so he had left without much care, his belongings laying open on the couch.
And when he came back said belongings were still on the couch, but now Sam was hovering over them and reading through some of what he had written that was laying out.
Bucky froze at the door.
Sam looked over at him, “Buck-”
And then Bucky bolted.
Running through the greenery and down the path, Sam and him took when jogging some days before cutting through to sit next to a tree. Catching his breath, not due to the sudden run, but the sudden onslaught of anxiety that was building up in him.
Fucking hell. Блядь. Shit. Dracu-i viața. проклясть его жизнь. Blestemă existența lui. Черт. Fuck. La naiba.
He didn’t know how long he sat there trying to calm down, body shaking before he heard someone approach him.
Please don't be Sam. Please don’t be Sam. If there is a God who still loves him, please don’t be Sam.
“Bucky?”
Fuck. Well, God never liked him much considering his life.
Go away Sam. Why draw this out?
He felt Sam sit down next to him.
Fuck. Shit. Hell.
“Want to tell me what this is about?” Sam asked, his voice calm and lacking judgment- acting like he was a scared cat or something (which Bucky very well may be.)
“You know.”
Because he did. And there was no reason to make this any longer than necessary. Sam didn’t seem like the kind of person to judge him for something like this, hell everything he knows about Sam says the contrary.
But he lost his last friend- he was alone for so long. And now there is Sam, who didn’t fill the hole Steve left like he expected, but rather became a whole new part of his life. Someone he could rely on while still being so incredibly Sam-like that it made Bucky want to throttle him and kiss him at the same time.
“Know what? That you bolted from the house and are now hiding next to a tree? Honestly, man do you know how fast you were running because holy shit-”
“You know I’m-”
“Bucky.”
“I’m bi. That’s what I was talking to Sarah about, that’s what the notes were about. And I know you might hate me now or whatever and I’m so scared to lose you and-”
“Bucky.”
Bucky stopped staring at the ground and looked at Sam, who was staring up at him with an unreadable expression.
“I’m sorry.” He breathed out, starting to get up to leave and find a hole to bury himself in.
“I’m gay.”
And Bucky stopped.
Because did Sam just say he was-
“What?”
“Gay. I’m gay- I like dudes, I’ve been out since I was like fifteen.”
What. The. Fuck.
“You- I- what the fuck Wilson?!”
Sam flinched at his tone.
“I’ve been freaking out over if I should tell you or not for weeks! I thought you were gonna hate me!”
Sam’s looked downcast at that, “Man, I’ve been worried that you were gonna hate me for being gay. I told Sarah to keep it a secret and shit.”
Sarah-
“I wouldn’t-”
“Dude, you are from the 40s. Hell, you had problems noticing instances of racism at first,” and now it was Bucky’s turn to look embarrassed because he hadn’t. He was used to people calling out slurs or segregating people, not the more subtle but still immensely painful ways of racism of the 21st century. He had assumed that with the lack of segregation in public the problem had gone away. And he was wrong. “I didn’t know how’d you react. How long-”
“A few months.” He responded Sam could finish the question.
“Shit man. You talked to Sarah though right? Has she been helping you? And I didn’t read much but they looked like notes-”
“I’ve been researching.”
“Of course you have. Old man.”
“You know, physically I’m younger than you.”
“Shut the hell up man or I’ll make you take Redwing out for a run.”
“I’ll break it.”
“Him. You’ll break him- pronouns Bucky! And that’s a lie- you wouldn’t. You were the one who asked Wakanda for a new one.”
Shit. He’s got him there.
“But seriously, are you okay?”
Was he?
In general, no. But he was getting better and that was all he could ask for.
With his sexuality? More comfortable. Definitely better considering the fact that Sam isn’t going to excommunicate him.
Yet.
He just nodded back, and this time the smile seemed real.
The two walked back shoulder to shoulder as they went back towards the Wilson house before Sarah had their heads for missing dinner.
Later that night, Bucky was laying on the couch trying to sleep when he heard voices coming from the kitchen.
It’s not spying if he’s using super hearing given to him by a group of Nazis right?
“-you should have told me!”
“Are you kidding? The man was worried about it enough as it was, he didn’t even know what bisexual was until I told him. Like hell I was just going to go behind his back like that-”
Wait. They were talking about him?
Why were they talking about him?
He thought Sam was fine with it, why-
Shit. Maybe Sam made everything up to make him feel better so he could kick him out or send him to the nearest lab and never see him again.
“I’ve been complaining to you that I wouldn’t have a chance with him for weeks! And you mean now to tell me that there was a chance-”
Wait. What?
“Telling you would have saved me from listening to your pining, but no way in hell am I going to out someone-”
“I know Sarah. I’m not mad at you. Just…”
“Shocked you might have a chance with the blue-eyed beauty you brought into this house like a man bringing a cat from a dumpster onto his couch to feed?”
“...Yes. Don’t word it like that though!”
“You call him a cat on a daily basis!”
“But that’s me!”
“Okay, okay. Future boyfriend things. Got it. Seriously though, cool it with the jealousy.”
“I’m not jealous.”
“Sure Sam.” Sarah said, ending the conversation and looking so done before she turned to go to her room.
Okay, wait.
Rewind.
Sam liked him?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Oh my god.
Sam. Liked. Him.
Was this the definition of bisexual panic SpiderTwerp was talking about? Because he was bisexual and he was panicking.
The next afternoon, Sam had told him about The Hobbit movie and Bucky had asked (read: begged) for them to watch it.
The kids were at school and Sarah was out doing something- likely with Lacie- which were just happy coincidences.
Thirty minutes in, with the two men sitting on the couch eating some microwave popcorn Sam had made (even though Sarah had explicitly told him not to use any kitchen appliances) while Sam kept mentioning how similar the main character looked to Everett Ross (although Bucky didn’t see it.)
“They’re even similar heights! Short-”
“Hey Sam?”
Was he doing this?
Why was he doing this?
Maybe he misheard or-
“Buck, if you think you are trying to stop me from finishing my award-winning argument you are-”
Bucky cut him off before he could finish.
With his lips.
Which honestly wasn’t much of a reach considering prior to this, Sam’s legs were practically on his lap and their faces were resting only a few inches away from each other.
He didn’t expect kissing Sam to feel so good though.
Well, that was a lie, he had had many dreams of kissing Sam recently, but none of them compared to the real thing.
And for a second Bucky thought maybe he was wrong or crossed a line and he was going to jump off a cliff-
Until Sam started kissing him back.
Okay, this was a million times better than any dream.
They broke away a few seconds later (although it felt like a lifetime while also a millisecond.)
“Buck.”
“Sam.”
The two were just looking at each other, Bucky’s sky blue eyes staring into Sam’s dark chocolate ones for a moment, growing smiles on both of their faces.
“How did you know-”
“You and Sarah talk loud.” He responded. Because James Bucky Barnes was a little shit.
Sam just froze for a second.
“You… heard all of that.”
“Sure did.”
Sam looked like he was going to die.
“I feel the same way though.” He whispered back before Sam spontaneously combusted.
“Oh…” Sam breathed.
“Oh.”
Sam just looked at him again.
“Did- did you wanna do it again?”
And Bucky didn’t have to be asked twice.
Sam began to move his legs so he was almost climbing on top of Bucky while they continued to snack on each other's faces.
Sam stopping briefly to say, “Everett Ross has a double life as Martin Freeman.”
And cutting Bucky off before he could respond to that ludicrous statement.
Because Ross looked nothing like Bilbo, thank you very much.
But Bucky could hold off of responding for a little bit.
Or a few hours depending on how this goes.