Chapter Text
Oda's not a selfish person. He's satisfied with his own life and what it means to him, and isn't particularly needy for more. But he's only human. He's allowed to long for more, as long as he's silent about it, he tells himself. Still, these thoughts feel traitorous. Because they are dangerous.
Dazai Osamu is his prince. Oda is his bodyguard. This is how things are, and how they will always be.
"Odasaku...run away with me?"
Dazai asks this every now and then. He's been asking less often, almost as if he knows how much more Oda's given to considering those loaded words these days. Of course, in the end, it doesn't matter. Oda will never say yes.
"No, Dazai," he murmurs, voice low and level. It's not as if anyone will have the guts to listen outside the crown prince's room, but it's far past improper, the way he spends so much time so close to Dazai. Figuratively and literally, considering Dazai's head lies on Oda's shoulder, wisps of dark hair tickling Oda's cheek; considering that they're close enough he can nearly taste the fine wine on Dazai's breath, the slow rise and fall of his shoulders so easy, so trusting, Oda aches.
Far, far past improper.
"Why not."
They rehearse this argument every now and then.
"Because."
"Because what."
Because you're already lonely, and I'm not going to isolate you further, Oda thinks. Because the rest of your life shouldn't learn to live around my selfishness. Because I won't tie your future to mine, just because I want to be by your side.
"Odasaku," Dazai says, and Oda's heart lurches. "I love you."
The air in his lungs ignites.
"But you're such an idiot." Dazai looks down the length of their extended legs, toes pointing to the ceiling, and the stars behind them. "I choose you. I'll choose you, and I'll choose you again, and again and again." His bangs slip over his eyes so that Oda can't tell if he's trying not to smile or trying to. "All you need to do is give me one chance."
That's not the point, Oda barely bites back, that's the entire problem.
"No, sorry, that came out wrong. Let me try again," says Dazai, tilting his chin back, eyes closed, and still reading Oda hopelessly easily, the way he always does- and only now, does Oda recognize it was wrong not to pull away at the first comprehension of this fact.
"Odasaku, do I make you happy?"
Yes, Oda thinks immediately. But he's content with the way they are right now, treasures what he's allowed to have with Dazai. To ask Dazai for more- it is neither within his right nor his wishes if it is ultimately Dazai who will pay the price.
His silence is everything and understood perfectly. "You think your answer makes you selfish." Dazai continues, his voice tight now. "But I'm trying to tell you, you make me happy. I'm the selfish one." Fingertips dance over the curve of Oda's closed hand, a thumbpad swiping over the hardened skin of his knuckles. "I'm asking you for your everything."
"...it's not the same." He says, voice unwavering, betraying none of his fatigue or frustrations. "You know that, you know it's not the same." Dazai can compartmentalize and label and rearrange their situation all he wants; nothing can change, and as long as Oda can do anything about it, nothing will.
"Fine."
Surprise is what leaves Oda sitting, as Dazai shoves at the ground to bring himself standing; surprise is what leaves Oda staring at Dazai's retreating back.
This is not the first time Dazai has asked Oda to run away, and this will not be the last time. But Dazai so rarely chooses to leave Oda's side on account of his own free will.
This doesn't feel right.
Maybe he's not satisfied after all.