Work Text:
hi Jack
i don't really know why i’m sending this when i know you're not gonna read it. but i heard there were going to be shooting stars tonight and i just wanted to send you a message cause it reminded me of all the times we’d sit in the back of your shitty truck with the broken light and watch the stars together. i remember looking up at the fireworks in that cargo bed at james’s shitty graduation party when we first really kissed. i probably said some bullshit about how everything was going to change, and i only know that cause i remember you telling me we were always going to be together. you know i like being right but this time it doesn't feel as good.
it’s never going to be the same, not for me, zeke, ri, kevin, everyone. you were the glue that held the band together and now that you've left, we fell apart. i want to remember all the good times we had, no pun intended, but i can't imagine how you felt through all of that. i’m so sorry i made you feel like i was stringing you along, i loved you so much more than you’ll ever know. i’m sorry lisa and i got married and you had to help me through the divorce, cause i know you knew i never loved her like i loved you. i’m sorry i was on the verge of tears every time we were intimate. i feel like i should explain that, and i know you’d want to know why, but every time i even think about it i just feel guilty, like i’m making excuses. i’m sorry for yelling at you all those times you just wanted to help or to even know what was happening in my head. i’m sorry for every time i would scoff about home alone or turtles or cars when you would always listen to me talk for hours about the things i loved. im sorry i kept pushing you away, cause all thats left is this long, stupid fucking text im sending.
i still don't know why i’m writing this. i don't know why im acting like you're still here. fuck, i miss you so much. after a year of all this grief, ive fucking finally realized im not the center of the universe, not that i felt that way before, but i sure acted like it, and you shouldn’t have had to deal with that. i’m so sorry i made you sit through my pain and never give you a chance to feel like you could talk. i know if you were here you’d say “what is grief but love persevering” and i’d probably ask you to marry me on the spot because one, thats an amazing reference, and two, i always had that question in my head, even when i was being a douche and fucking around with anyone that wasnt you. And fuck, i remember watching wandavision with you, and i remember sobbing to eachother at the end and babbling about how much we loved eachother. i want to live in that moment again, i want to so bad.
i still read back on the last text you sent me. i should have known to get home sooner, or at least caught onto the weird vibe. i should have responded, but i was too caught up sending pictures of that stupid menu to andrew. i wish i’d insisted on you coming to lunch with me that day.
and sometimes i get so mad at you, cause you got a chance to say goodbye, you got a chance to put in that “i love you” at the bottom of your note, and i never had the chance to say it back. god i would give my soul to say it back, but it feels like you took it already.
and honestly? i know you wanted me to be happy without you, but i just can't. the only thing that's keeping me from joining you at this point is my fear of death. i'm rambling so much but i miss rambling to you. i miss you falling asleep on my shoulder, i miss when you’d bring home a different candy for us to share whenever you got groceries, i miss sitting on the deck with you, and how the sunlight always glowed in your eyes, or how every morning you’d wake up before me at just the right time and you'd make me coffee that was the perfect temperature when i woke up.
everything about you was etched and engraved on everything about me, and i can barely hold it all together without you here. i've accepted it, i've gotten past asking “why” but i wish i hadn't, cause now it means i'm supposed to move on, and as much as you would want me to, and as much as all our friends want me too, hell as much as i want to, i don't think i ever will.
so just wait for me, please? i’ll be there, wherever “there” is, when i’m supposed to be. i hope it won't be long for you, at least.
i love you, Jack, i’ll love you until the last bird sings, until the galaxy’s shredded into nothing, until the last star dies and nothing else remains.
- alex