Archive of Our Own ^beta

There’s nothing like the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning. Most people might relish in the feeling of waking up to the smell of coffee at their own home but for Donghyuck, there was something completely different about walking into this coffee shop he frequented at 10 every morning. It was a ritual. Wake up at nine, leave out the door exactly ten minutes before ten, then a ten minute walk to the sweet sanctuary of the coffee shop that he has grown to love over time. It's his own personal heaven.

Donghyuck likes Americanos. Hot or iced, he’ll take it.

He’s not really an avid coffee drinker. Definitely not one of those ‘don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ sort of people, despite the need for caffeine to keep him up all night studying. But he does like to drink an iced americano at least once a day. 

Not because he needs it to survive, but because it’s become part of his daily routine ever since he started working part time at the university’s library. 

A routine a certain someone had started for him and that still to this day he continued. It’s become a habit, you could say.

Hell, he didn’t even like coffee, not until him.

He was the one that had introduced him to the bitter taste of Americanos.

On the other hand, his childhood friend Huang Renjun thrives off of coffee. Donghyuck’s never really sure if his eyes are red from the six cups of coffee he consumes daily, or from the computer screen he stares at for consecutive hours on end. Renjun’s work ethic is similar to his, and that’s why Donghyuck tolerates his coffee addiction. He has stayed up with him countless of times to prepare for final examinations back in high school and now, they continue to do it all over again in college. 

Days would come and go at their own languid pace and soon, April settles in as unnoticed as always. The warmer breeze and longer days are a nice change of pace from the melancholy of winter but, for the most part, spring has never been that eventful for him. As the second semester comes to a close, Donghyuck’s only goal is to make it through finals week unscathed. Like many of his fellow Marketing majors, most of his finals are extensive research papers rather than traditional exams. Normally this would not stress him out, but his professor had thrown a curveball his way: half of his grade would be dependent on his group mates who weren’t really doing shit.

He wasn’t able to get his usual morning caffeine fix because his alarm didn't go off as he had forgotten to plug in his phone last night and it subsequently died.

So here he was. At the coffee shop. To work on his damn final paper.

The bitter scent of coffee beans and the sweet scent of, sweets and baked goods mixed in the air, was something he had gotten used to. A home atmosphere lingered inside the small shop, cradling stressed out college students and providing something else than concrete. Donghyuck loves the small place, how it made the world less loud.

Trusting his laptop to be safe to sit alone for a minute or two, Donghyuck gets up from his seat to grab his first cup of coffee for the day. The bell chimed as another customer walked in, but he was too busy smoothing out his favorite purple sweater to notice them. With a content sigh, he makes his way over to the counter to place his order.

In front of him stands a tall, lean man with jet black hair. He was dressed in an ashy grey button down shirt and black skinny jeans; with broad shoulders and carefully styled hair. Donghyuck can’t help but take in his features as he waits for him to place his order. The intrigue that floods through him was growing by the second as he nonchalantly took notice of his long legs and the way his fingers tapped against his leg; patiently impatiently awaiting his morning fix. When the cashier finally greets him, his deep voice strikes a chord in Donghyuck’s gut and makes his heart skip a beat. His voice was as smooth as the creamy layer in the drink he ordered; his drink of choice.

He would know that voice anywhere. It’s smooth and deep and laced with the most perfect baritone that he had ever heard. His voice penetrates and reverberates the crowd of the coffee shop and finds its way to Donghyuck, like he was speaking only for him. He sounds like Donghyuck’s favorite music to his ears, but that of a song that hangs heavy in his heart.

“Next in line please!” the cashier calls out. Jolting out of his thoughts, Donghyuck looks at the kind-faced barista in front of him and clears his throat. Stepping forward, he smiles nervously; hoping no one would notice him in this hazy state.

“Right. Sorry for that. One Iced Americano and a strawberry cheesecake please,” his trembling voice finally says. His cheeks flush as he fidgets with his wallet before handing his card to her and shoots a glance over at the tall guy. He was standing at the other end of the counter, quickly turning away with a shy smile while looking at him. Either he was making fun of Donghyuck for his embarrassing situation, or he was amused that he had ordered a similar-ish thing, he wasn’t so sure.

Donghyuck’s only been in the cafe for less than ten minutes but he couldn’t wait to head home, run himself a long bubble bath, order takeout and give himself some time to calm himself down. He had been gone for just over a year now, meaning Donghyuck spent a lot of time either with his friends or alone. Mostly alone.

Yet there was no mistaking it as Donghyuck hears the man’s name being called as his drink was handed over to him.

Jaehyun.

☕☕

Donghyuck first meets Jaehyun at a cafe on a Sunday.

It’s simple, really, and totally unexpected.

He hadn’t planned on going out, honestly. But his friends - Jaemin and Jeno, specifically because they are two peas from the same pod - had bombarded his phone with calls and texts, waking him from his peaceful slumber. He’d all but ignored them, shutting his eyes and snuggling closer to his precious plushies when the piercing whistle of his doorbell shrilled throughout his tiny apartment. He threw his covers off, grumbling about his beauty sleep being interrupted, trudging into the living room and straight to the front door.

“What the hell are you idiots doing here at,” He glances at his porcelain wall clock, “11 in the fucking morning?!”

“Good morning to you too, sunshine!” Renjun beams at him, Yangyang popping in beside him to wave at Donghyuck. “It’s Sunday fun day! We’re giving you 5 minutes, 10 minutes tops , to get ready before we drag you out in those damn pajamas of yours.”

Donghyuck gasps, taking full offense to what his best friend uttered. “This is blasphemy! How dare you barge into my home and insult my beloved pj’s.”

“It’s a fucking Care Bears set,” Renjun deadpans. “And I’ve seen you wear that shit since we were in high school, it’s about damn time you throw it out, my friend.”

“Yeah, no. Over my dead fucking body.”

Just when they’re about ready to lunge at each other and throw hands, Yangyang pulls Renjun back, coming in between them. “Oookay before you guys actually start fighting, I need Donghyuck fully changed and ready so we can go. Shotaro’s alone with Jaemin and Jeno, and you guys do not want him traumatized.”

“Fine…” Donghyuck whines, “but either of you are paying for me today. I did not ask to come with you all, therefore I have a right to free food and drinks.”

When they arrive at the new cafe that opened just a little over a month ago the rest of their friends were at, Donghyuck’s surprised to see three new people he doesn't recognize. Well, he does recognize them, he just isn’t too chummy with them. Renjun’s already inside so Donghyuck turns to his other companion, pulling Yangyang by the sleeve of his leather jacket before he can walk past the glass double doors.

“What the hell? I thought you guys said it’s just us today? What happened to 00line solidarity?!” he whispers harshly, glancing at the two faces chattering with his friends.

“Oh chill out will you,” Yangyang snorts, shaking his head. “Johnny and Yuta hyung are cool. They don’t bite. Mark hyung too, I guess. But around Renjun? Debatable.”

Donghyuck snickers before his mouth forms an O, brows raising comically to the top of his hairline as he realizes what his friend just said. “Pause. Hold on. Mark? As in Mark Lee? The guy Renjun’s been fucking around with for months but refuses to let us meet him? That Mark?!”

“Yeah, that one. And he brought his friends along with him. The last one is Jaehyun hyung, he’s the tall dude standing by the counter with Renjun.” Yangyang responds as they near the not one, not two, but three tables the chaotic bunch had pushed together to accommodate all ten of them on the quieter side of the cafe. "C'mon, Renjun's coming back with our orders."

Yangyang shoves Donghyuck into the direction of the admittedly, very good looking stranger. “Let him sit with you, Mark’s literally making googly eyes at Renjun and Jaemin and Jeno look like they’re seconds away from sucking face. I got dibs on Shotaro. You are going to keep him company. And, for the love of god, please be nice.” 

Donghyuck scoffs, slightly offended. “I am nice! Majority of the time… and to people I like!”

"Right. Have fun then, make a friend!"

“Hi, I’m Jaehyun.” Donghyuck turns to finally face the newcomer, seeing him already staring back with an amused grin on his pretty little face. He extends his free hand out for Donghyuck to shake. The younger man raises a brow at him, hesitating to shake his hand, but he does it anyways. Huh. His hands are so soft, like a baby’s bottom. “And do you mind if I share this table and sit with you seeing as everyone is busy with one another and it seems like you’re the only one I can actually talk to?”

“I should be the one asking you that. I’m Donghyuck by the way.” He congratulates himself for not stumbling over his words, but feels time slow when the other’s hand brushes against his, their fingertips sliding against each other as Jaehyun gestures at the chair in front of him.

Donghyuck nods his head in thanks and takes the seat across from where Jaehyun is standing. Once settled, he looks back up at Jaehyun and meets a pair of eyes as dark as the tea in his mug. The dark smudges under them tells him the story of a college student pulling an all nighter. He gestures to the seat in front of him just like Jaehyun had, signaling the man to sit down. Jaehyun sits and pulls out a book and a pen from his messenger bag and begins to read, pausing occasionally to take a sip of his coffee.

Donghyuck returns to his own mug, slowly allowing his brain to wake up. There’s something soothing about the sight of watching the smoke from his cold iced tea rise in the cup, steam swirling into the air. He needs the distraction because the more awake he became, the more he began to notice the overwhelmingly attractive features of his table-mate. The strong jaw that would clench in disagreement with his text, the curl of his hair and how it would continuously fall in his eyes only for him to brush it away absentmindedly. Then Donghyuck noticed the smattering of wrinkles across his cheeks and deep dimples dancing on the corners of his mouth whenever he smiled or laughed and he was sold. Where was his film camera when he needed it?

Jaehyun glances up and makes eye contact, raising an eyebrow in question. “Sorry,” Donghyuck mutters.  “My brain is slow to wake up.”

Jaehyun’s lips quirk in response, his confidence and self-assurance in his appearance evident. “I'm pretty sure that's what it is.”

Donghyuck opens his mouth to protest, but then clamps it shut in a huff. “All right, fine, you caught me. Maybe not all of it is due to a brain that is barely awake.”

For the rest of their time at the cafe, Donghyuck stayed with Jaehyun as he found himself engrossed in conversation with the older man, jumping from one topic to another, all tension and nervousness melting away as they talked. Jaehyun seemed very laid-back and relaxed, his Seoul accent deep and soothing to Donghyuck’s ears. It almost made him insecure of his own Jeju dialect which occasionally came up in his speech and got the best of him, but he knew Jaehyun didn’t mind. Not with the way he was smiling and laughing at every word that came out of Donghyuck’s mouth, no matter how trivial or stupid.

Donghyuck learned that Jaehyun is in his third year of college, lived alone with his dog, Peanut, in the apartment across from him, and besides his love for coffee, he was a sucker for romance. Donghyuck also learned that he also worked part-time, at a convenience store not too far from their university - he was saving up for a new turntable because his clumsy roommate had accidentally broke it when they had decided to stay in after midterms had ended to relax and celebrate the end of hell season. In turn, Jaehyun had learned that Donghyuck had a burning passion for dance and specialized in street dancing, something Jaehyun admired. People, college students in particular, aren’t really sure as to what they’re passionate about until it’s too late. Jaehyun respected him for that. Donghyuck could also drink an insane amount of Red Bull all day long, and that his MBTI personality type is ENFP.

Four hours and a couple of rounds of caffeine and sweet treats later, the group had decided it was time to go their separate ways. Shotaro had gone back to his dorms a while ago to finish up on some class work, and Donghyuck had found out that Yangyang would be sleeping over at Jaemin and Jeno’s shared apartment. Him and Renjun planned to stay for another hour, just to give Renjun as long as possible with Mark. In just that hour, they had already ended up cuddling together on a tiny beanbag, watching a Barbie movie - The Princess and the Pauper - on Mark’s iPad. It was sickeningly cute compared to how him and Jaehyun sat inches apart, like the third and fourth wheels that they are.

Donghyuck didn’t understand it, they had only just met and held conversation for a mere few hours, but there was something about Jaehyun that unraveled him from the inside out in the best way possible. The older man left him feeling giddy. Donghyuck liked how Jaehyun made him feel, and he couldn’t help but think about his soft looking lips and how they would feel against his. “Do you wanna get out of here,” he boldly says, giggling when Jaehyun raised an eyebrow at him.

Jaehyun chuckles. “I’d love to but unfortunately I already have plans for tonight. Maybe I could give you my phone number and we can rage against the price of the education system some other time? Or we can come hang out at the cafe again.”

“Yeah, I think I’d like that,” Donghyuck smiles, unlocking his phone and handing it to him.

After typing in his number, Jaehyun hands it back with a smile. “It was great meeting you, Donghyuck.”

“You too!”

It’s ridiculous because they’d only just met but Jaehyun has a way of making him feel as though he were experiencing his first crush. Donghyuck shakes his head, unable to hide the grin on his face as he takes out his phone and edits Jaehyun’s new contact name to include an emoji of a peach. Or would a cat suit him better?

As soon as Renjun and Mark had said their last goodbyes to Donghyuck, the latter wraps his scarf around his neck, pulls his denim jacket tighter around his body and makes for the door. He’d be lying if he said he isn’t feeling a tiny bit disappointed at how the night has ended. He’d hoped to speak and hang out alone with Jaehyun more. The day felt like five seconds and Donghyuck feels like he did not leave a big enough impression on the other for them to get a chance to talk again, now that the “dates” are all over with. But he can’t say he was surprised at the outcome either, having always been a realist and understanding things in life don’t always work out the way people want them to. It’s nothing more than a complete and utter shock to him then when the second he closes his fingertips round the door handle to leave, he hears a familiar voice behind him.  

“Going so soon?” 

He turns around and sure enough, Jaehyun is standing there, a hopeful smile on his face although he seems almost shy now that they’re standing next to each other.

“I was... uhhh, gonna walk home.” 

“Let me walk you home then.”

"I thought you had plans tonight?"

"Not anymore. Shall we?"

The pair of them walk alongside each other, the street lamps glowing and cascading a warm luminescence onto the sidewalk, lighting up their way home.

Donghyuck enjoys walking home with Jaehyun. It’s peaceful when there’s nothing else but the distant noise of cars driving down the highway and the sound of their synchronized steps.

He doesn’t catch the way Jaehyun steals a peek at him. He doesn’t notice how his eyes travel and linger all over his face, a fond curiosity oozing from his gaze.

Donghyuck believes this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship.

☕☕

The second time they meet, it’s Donghyuck who seeks Jaehyun out.

It was a Saturday afternoon and he was bored out of his mind and decided to stop by the little quaint cafe right outside the entrance of their university Jaehyun worked part time on the weekends. How Donghyuck retrieved this information, that’s for him to know and for no one else to find out. In his defense, he missed talking with him instead of just exchanging messages - seeing Jaehyun’s handsome face in the flesh was just an added bonus.

Donghyuck sees Jaehyun when he walks into the coffee shop and Jaehyun instantly recognizes him. He jumps a little when Jaehyun waves in his direction with a huge grin across his face and Donghyuck has to look behind him to check if it was meant for someone else, but no one is there. Finally, he returns his enthusiastic wave with a shy one, a rosy hue tinting his cheeks, and the faint chuckle that leaves Jaehyun’s lips makes his heart almost beat out of his chest.

As per usual, The Coffee Factory cafe had quite a lot of people lined up out the door. And yeah the coffee was great and the food was amazing, but Donghyuck personally thought the only reason why this place was always bustling was because of the two baristas. Donghyuck guesses Johnny is in the storage room checking inventory because he can only see Jaehyun rushing around, smiling kindly to each old woman who was gushing about him and trying, and failing, to convince him to go on blind dates with their granddaughters, dodging children who were playing in between the tables and just trying to make it back to the counter without dropping the dirty dishes in his hands.

Jaehyun serves him his iced sweet tea and a strawberry cheesecake and shoots him an apologetic smile, “Sorry I can’t hang with you right now, it’s kind of a one man job today because Johnny’s in the back room.”

Ah so he was right. Donghyuck waves him off, teasing the older man. “I came here knowing you’d be busy. It’s fine, you’re not so great compared to my precious cheesecake anyways.”

“That’s because you haven’t had a taste of me yet.” Jaehyun jabs back with a haughty grin - one that makes him even more attractive, if Donghyuck has any say in it - before rushing to tend to a mother asking for another order of medium low-fat cappuccino with three shots of strawberry.

Eventually, the day waned down until the sky was pitch black with some stars peeking through the light pollution outside. The shift all in all is good, certainly good for the owner, who Donghyuck is sure has made a lot of money from today alone. He notices that as Jaehyun begins to hang up his apron, the crowd begins to disperse, the shop now much quieter than a few hours ago. 

The coffee shop was empty now and didn’t really smell like coffee anymore but instead of Jaehyun, something musky and peachy, and of the cool air outside the windows. Or maybe that's just Donghyuck's tunnel vision - that he seemed to have on High Definition whenever he was around the older man - reaching. Jaehyun grins at him from behind the counter with a dimpled smile Donghyuck had seen countless times, heart jump starting in his chest at it.

“Come on,” Jaehyun suddenly says when there is a lull in the chatter around the place. His break was technically over, and had been for ten minutes now, but there hadn’t been any new customers and he knows that Johnny can handle the counter on his own for a little bit longer. “I’ll walk you back to your apartment. Johnny can close the shop for today once I clean up the rest of the tables.”

“You don’t have to,” Donghyuck quickly tells him, shaking his hands out in front of him, “You already walked me home last time, I don’t want to be a bother.”

“A bother? Donghyuck,” Jaehyun lightly laughs and taps his shoulder, “you could never be a bother. You’re my friend. It’s late and I don’t want anything to happen to you. So, please, let me walk you home.”

“Okay,” Donghyuck whispers and nods his head. Jaehyun smiles with his response and he heads back into the employee’s lockers to stuff his belongings into his bag. Most customers had already left so Jaehyun gave a heads up to Johnny and those who remained when he emerged from the backroom. He flipped the open sign and grabbed a rag and began to wipe down all the tables. Donghyuck sits patiently in one of the other bar chairs with his things all packed up.

Once Jaehyun finishes, he grabs his backpack and turns to Donghyuck. “You ready?”

Shrugging, Donghyuck nods and grabs his bag and his leather jacket and wraps it around himself, waving to Johnny as he and Jaehyun leave through the cafe’s glass double doors.

The two of them make easy conversation as they make their way back to their apartments, laughing at the stories they were telling to each other, and swapping notes for the one minor class their courses required them to take despite it not being related to their majors at all before they turn the corner about two streets away from their neighborhood.

Donghyuck doesn’t talk as much, not tonight anyways, because it’s so much better to listen to Jaehyun speak in that deep, smoky voice of his than to do all the talking himself. He listens as Jaehyun chatters on, the air getting progressively colder with each step.

Donghyuck likes Jaehyun's passion for all the things he loves and it warms him against the cold around him. He holds onto his jacket a little tighter as the temperature drops. The moon was beginning to dip behind them, almost directly overhead now. 

Every now and then, Donghyuck would glance at Jaehyun to see what shadows the moon was casting on his face. Now that it was dropping behind them, his soft cheekbones are highlighted, and they cast shadows down his face. The dip beneath his bottom lip is as dark as the night. His eyes, however, still reflected the stars. From this angle, Donghyuck could see both as his eyes searched the stars with rapt fascination. Jaehyun seemed to be looking for something different, something new. A shooting star? They move from side to side and sometimes more upwards, exposing only the whites and they shined brilliantly, rivalling the heavenly bodies above them.

Donghyuck thinks Jaehyun shouldn’t be looking so far and wide when he alone holds the entire galaxy in his eyes.

Jaehyun’s steps begin to slow as Donghyuck’s apartment complex appears down the street they’re currently walking on. As they near, Donghyuck feels his steps getting smaller, slower.

“Well, we’re here!” Donghyuck chirps, standing outside his door labeled 375H. He whirls around to face Jaehyun. “Thanks for walking me. See you around?”

“Of course. Good night, Donghyuck.” Jaehyun nods but made no move to leave, waiting for Donghyuck to enter his house safely. He chuckles softly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ll leave when you’re safe and sound inside.”

"Ever a gentleman, Jung," Donghyuck chuckles before slotting his keys inside the doorknob. "Alright, here I am. Good night, Jaehyun."

"Good night, Hyuck."

As Donghyuck walks through the door of his apartment, greeting his cat, Mittens, as she came rushing up to him the moment he entered the space, he couldn’t help the warm smile raising his lips at the sweet gesture the man did for him.

He adored it when they got together and got completely absorbed in their own little bubble - engrossed in what was making them tick in the most passionate of ways. Since Jaehyun took him to the complex, he didn’t even realize when they got there - or even that his street was completely empty -  because they were too caught up in a conversation about life, heavenly bodies and the vast universe. The small task of taking off his shoes and his jacket, the walk to his room and the struggle to get comfortable in his bed; these were not memories in his mind. All he could remember was the way Jaehyun smiled without stop and the sparkle in his eyes as excitement took over his entire being.

☕☕

It’s on the third time they meet that Donghyuck experiences the bitter taste of an Americano for the first time.

The warm breeze accompanied by the soft, relaxing music flowing through Donghyuck’s airpods to his eardrums makes him sigh in content. It was no later than four in the afternoon, and his professor had decided to cancel his last class of the day, so he chose to spend some time underneath his favorite tree to catch up on the book he was assigned to finish by the end of the week for another class.

He only had about three chapters left anyways and it was a relatively easy read so he expected to finish in the next hour and a half when the sound of his name being called caught his attention up ahead, near the front steps of the university entrance.

Placing his book down and being careful to not lose the page he was currently on, he looks up and strains his eyes near the place where he heard the voice yell.

“Donghyuck!” He hears again and he frowns at the familiarity of the voice. Jaehyun? He leans forward in an effort to see better and he recognizes the outline of his body, no matter how far away he was until he was blocked by three slender figures descending down the steps in a rush.

Renjun, Yangyang, and Shotaro then stand in front of him, sporting matching cheshire cat grins. Had Donghyuck not known any better, he’d think the three devils were born from the same womb.

“So you and Jaehyun hyung huh…” Yangyang starts because he’s a little shit and he’s the government assigned instigator of their damn friend group. “I think he might be into you.”

Renjun clears his throat before adding, “If you guys end up dating, I need full credit because your ass wouldn’t have met if it weren’t for me. Say, thank you Renjun.”

“Last time I checked, I was there too.”

“This isn’t about you, idiot.”

“You think you’re hot shit.”

“I know I’m hot shit.”

Shotaro, ever the angel and peacemaker of their chaotic bunch, comes in between the both of them before they can start squabbling like two headless chickens. “C’mon guys, cut it out. Let him go, lover boy’s waiting.”

“Not you too, Taro,” Donghyuck groans, fighting the smile threatening to make its way into his face. “Stop making things up. We’re just friends.” Don’t get my hopes up.

“Yeah, yeah. Run along now, my sweet child. I’ll handle these two buffoons.”

“You’re an angel. Bye! Love you all.”

“What do you wanna do today?” Jaehyun asks as soon as Donghyuck is in front of him, hand gripping Donghyuck’s arm as he smirks his way. Jaehyun looks like a happy kitten and Donghyuck still remembers the first time the two met, Jaehyun’s blinding smile at the forefront of his mind which had made him enthralled for the adorable giant. 

“Whatever,” Donghyuck says, “I don’t mind.”

“Really craving something sweet right now. How about some cake?” Jaehyun suggests and Donghyuck shrugs, “Sure. Lead the way mister!” 

The bell chimes merrily as they walk into the shop, Jaehyun closing the door behind them. The cafe is lovely, honestly. Cafe 7Dream wasn’t fancy by any means, but it was comfortable and welcoming. The walls are all brick and decorated with local artwork that complemented the aesthetic perfectly. The dimmed lights cast a cream shadow on the mismatched furniture, which, despite its randomness, helps to bring the cafe together. Chenle, the manager, makes it a point to play good music that no one had ever really heard of but still enjoyed, nonetheless. The menu, on the other hand, is Donghyuck’s favorite part. It is all handwritten on a medium-sized black chalkboard in front of the counter, which he knows Jisung had placed on the floor. He decided to update it every day with new specials and cute sketches, both for decoration and to show off his artistic abilities.

Jaehyun sets their orders down on the table and pulls himself into one of the high standing chairs. Donghyuck then pulls out his tablet and pulls up his newest project he’s been working on for the past couple days, reaching out for one of the drinks.

“Oh god.” Donghyuck sets the cup down, a look of disgust making an appearance on his face, his nose scrunching, “That tastes fucking horrible. What the hell is that.”

Jaehyun watches him say this, scoffing as he does, the corners of his lips turning upwards as he watches Donghyuck try to flush out the taste with his actual order, iced sweet tea, and Jaehyun almost feels offended.

“That’s actually my coffee order. Caffe Americano.” Jaehyun tells him, chuckling amusedly from where he sat, and he points to the cup in Donghyuck’s hands; the obvious ‘JH’ written on the side of it.

Donghyuck grimaces, still tasting the bitter aftertaste of the coffee in his mouth, “You really shouldn’t be proud of that.” He tells Jaehyun, jokingly.

Jaehyun feels like scoffing again, but a grin breaks out on his handsome face instead, like he couldn’t help it when he’s around the younger man.

Donghyuck thinks maybe Americanos were sweet after all.

☕☕

The first half of the first semester went by faster than he thought it would, and he had actually managed to stop feeling like a moron around Jaehyun (most of the time). The both of them had gotten into a rhythm, they talked to each other in class - sometimes Jaehyun would playfully flirt and make him laugh, he’d walk Donghyuck to the student lounge, and occasionally they would meet up with the others to hang out outside of class.

So it wasn't long until he realized he was head over heels in love with Jaehyun.

They’d simply gotten closer and closer each passing day, each passing month, with Donghyuck somehow still not managing to confess his feelings. He admits that he’d had a tiny crush on Jaehyun when they first met that he wasn’t even aware of in the first place, but it wasn’t long before it simply grew larger and larger with each passing day until he realized he was full blown in love. 

He feels stupid, stupid for being in love with him when he’d only known him for a little over a year, but his name was just written on his heart. It belonged to Jaehyun and Donghyuck had accepted that he couldn’t change anything about it, couldn’t change anything even if he tried his hardest.

Instead of attempting to erase Jaehyun’s name with another over and over again, instead of attempting to burn away Jaehyun’s name, Donghyuck locked his heart into a cage. He threw away the key to it, scared that if he didn’t, certain words were going to slip off his tongue one day and ruin the friendship he and Jaehyun had built. Instead, he was there for Jaehyun whenever he had his heart broken to help him patch it back up.

You see, although Jaehyun was a rather attractive male specimen, he still had his fair share of crushes he always talked about but never acted on, the fear of rejection clinging to him and seeping into his bones, something Donghyuck couldn’t fathom most of the time because, well, have you seen Jaehyun? No explanation needed. So when the pretty boy in his Calculus class came around and they started dating, it was all new. It wasn't just the two of them anymore, and Donghyuck got a taste of what Renjun was going through during his brief relationship with Sungchan in junior high school.

Donghyuck told himself that it wasn’t jealousy, he just missed his dear friend and for real, he liked Xiaojun. He was kind and smart and he was good for Jaehyun and yet, Donghyuck couldn’t be entirely happy for them. After months of denying, struggling alone, and fighting it, he finally admitted to himself why: he was in love with Jaehyun. He still is. And suddenly, everything made sense. From then on every comment on how cute they looked together and every correction that they are just close friends hurt too much.

Jaehyun and Xiaojun lasted for about four months. Jaehyun refused to tell him why exactly they broke up and said it just didn’t work out and Donghyuck let him be. Ironically, Donghyuck ran into Xiaojun at a dance workshop downtown a month later and ended up sitting down for some coffee and desserts to catch up. It wasn’t Donghyuck who brought up Jaehyun, Xiaojun asked about him and told him:

“He couldn't give me his heart because he was saving it for someone else.”

Donghyuck thought it was an odd reason to break up over in college, but he’d decided against telling him that. They still talk occasionally when they meet in their dance classes, but not about Jaehyun.

“Damn, I forgot my airpods today,” Donghyuck says with a pout when Jaehyun takes his usual seat across from him in the coffee shop

It was a Sunday afternoon which meant it was time for their scheduled bi-weekly hang out which usually involved Jaehyun dragging him to different coffee shops. Maybe even the arcade sometimes.

“C’mere, just share with me,” he drags Donghyuck’s seat next to him and presses his right earphone into Donghyuck’s palm before giving him a slight nudge and turning to the window.

Donghyuck loves gushing about his favorite movies and dramas to Jaehyun because he never makes fun of him, only listening quietly with a faint smile on his face. So he does just that. And Jaehyun loves listening to him because Donghyuck’s face would immediately lighten up, gestures animated as his words jumble together because he gets more and more excited as he goes on and on until Jaehyun lets out a tiny giggle, eyes filled with a soft fondness.

“What’s so funny?” Donghyuck beams at him with a blush.

“It’s nothing,’ Jaehyun responds, head resting against his right palm. “You’re just so adorable.”

The breeze flowing inside from the window can’t cool the scarlet burning on Donghyuck’s cheeks and he wonders when he’ll be able to admit to Jaehyun about the emotions swirling in him.

“Stop that,” he whines, lifting his head to give Jaehyun a look. “I’m hot and sexy and cool, not adorable.”

“Sure…” Jaehyun shrugs and shoots him a grin that had his heart beating a little too fast. It was sad how easy it was for Donghyuck to ignore it, for him to push it away because he had gotten so used to Jaehyun having such a big effect on him.

It didn’t matter what the two of them would be doing whenever they hung out. All Donghyuck cared about was getting to spend more time with Jaehyun.

Donghyuck may have started loving the bitter taste of Americanos because of Jaehyun but he thinks no coffee can compare to the man himself. After all, Jaehyun was warmer than coffee.

☕☕

Donghyuck should be sleeping by now, but he couldn’t stop tossing and turning around. No matter which way he flipped, he still couldn’t get comfortable. He grunts in frustration and reaches for his phone. Might as well do something to pass the time. He opens his phone to the Netflix app he’d recently downloaded after finally purchasing his own account to stop leeching off from Renjun. He’d been planning on finally starting a show (Bridgerton?) Jaemin had recommended to him but he hadn’t gotten to it yet because he somehow always ended up rewatching The Notebook.

He gives up after 10 minutes of the first episode because he has the attention span of a fucking goldfish and just decides to scroll through the photos app. He can’t help but smile when he reaches his and Jaehyun’s album. It’s filled to the brim, rivalling the album he has of The Devils and Sweet Little Angel Shotaro. They tease him about it all the time, whining how it’s not fair that Jaehyun seems to be number one in Donghyuck’s life now.

He’s scrolling through each picture he and Jaehyun have taken when his phone starts to vibrate… speaking of the devil. “Hello,” he mumbles absently. 

“Hey, I’m bored and want to hang out. I’ll be there in about 15 minutes,” Jaehyun replies. 

Donghyuck tries to wrap his head around what is happening. It’s not unusual for Jaehyun to crash at his apartment whenever he wanted to but something about this feels unsettling.

“But you can just call me—” The next thing Donghyuck hears is shuffling before the call ends.

As promised, 15 minutes pass, and Donghyuck hears a knock at his apartment door. Donghyuck honestly doesn't know how the other doesn’t have a key by now or at least knows where it is. He pushes himself to get out of his bed and makes his way to open the door to let him in. 

“I said call me, not show up at my apartment.”

Jaehyun stands at the front door, a tub of Ben And Jerry’s ice cream in hand. He greets him with a huge smile, while Donghyuck just stares him down. 

Jaehyun shrugs as pushes past him, making his way further into Donghyuck’s apartment as if it were his own but not before removing his flip flops - his most prized possession - and placing them on the shoe rack by the door. The apartment isn’t gigantic but it’s the right size for him. Heck, for the budget that he has, he’s surprised he could still afford some furniture for his humble little abode. College is expensive, Donghyuck never thought the “broke college student” was a thing but it is most definitely real.

“I came here to mourn my complicated love life to you,” Jaehyun says as he comes back from the kitchen, bringing with him two spoons before flopping down onto the couch, gesturing for Donghyuck to come join him.

"Okay? Shoot."

At least three minutes of silence pass before Donghyuck decides to break it.

“What’s up with you? Why are you so nervous and fidgety?” He asks curiously as he sits beside him and waits for him to spill the beans.

Jaehyun clutches at the strings of his hoodie tighter, something Donghyuck picks up.

“What were you thinking just then?” Donghyuck breaks into his thoughts.

Jaehyun looks up at him, confused. “Hmm?”

“You seemed fine and then…” Donghyuck trails, looking down at Jaehyun’s fingers now gripping onto the tub of ice cream. “What did that poor tub of ice cream do to you, it’s going to burst at this rate with how tight you’re gripping it.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun starts, straightening his body and relaxing his hold. No reason to lie, he thinks. He hasn't been keeping anything from Donghyuck anyway, except one thing, at least.

And it was then that Donghyuck knew that Jaehyun was going to say something, that he was thinking about how to word it, that he was struggling to find the right way to say it.

“C’mon, Spit it out,” he says and Jaehyun looked like a deer caught in headlights when his gaze meets Donghyuck’s in the mirror. His pale cheeks redden and right away, Donghyuck knows he isn’t going to like it. Not one bit.

“Actually,” Jaehyun clears his throat and Donghyuck raises his brows at him, spoon still mid air as his gaze wanders to him, “You know Sicheng right? Remember him?”

Of course he remembers. Dong Sicheng is tall and handsome and cute and smart and funny, basically he’s the whole package. Donghyuck could honestly go on forever because he’s perfect. Everyone loves Winwin, and you probably shouldn’t trust anyone who has anything bad to say about him.

Donghyuck shrugs. “Yeah I do. Who wouldn’t?”

“He actually, uh, asked me out a few days ago.”

There it is again, that putrid sourness left in the back of his throat, the same exact one Donghyuck has sadly grown familiar to. It burned, leaving his stomach a queasy mess of shreds, forcing him to swallow the bile that threatened to rise.

“Right. Can you repeat that? I don’t think my mind is processing this information right now.”

“I may or may not be going on a date with Sicheng in a couple of days.”

The second the words left his mouth, the seed of hope that had sprouted in Donghyuck’s chest burst into flames, and he almost laughed, because, of course, it did. It was impossible for it to expand, to become bigger, to bloom into a flower.

With his best effort, Donghyuck put on a neutral face, hardening his gaze and displaying a small smile, one that concealed all the pain, tears, frustration, and sorrow that he was experiencing right now.

“I can’t believe you were so nervous to tell me that. Good for you, Jae. I’m so glad to hear that.”

Donghyuck wasn’t blind, he noticed how Jaehyun looked at Sicheng. Jaehyun had seen this cutie around campus a lot since last year and had two general education classes with him. He had down the goofy, boy-ish charm that had Jaehyun absolutely swooning and now he’s ready to give his heart out to the Chinese exchange student .

Donghyuck can’t blame him. He too, would like Sicheng if he wasn’t so blinded by Jaehyun.

And although it hurt, Donghyuck stayed with Jaehyun since then. Not replacing the role of being his best friend but giving it a whole new meaning. Because he became someone Jaehyun opened his heart to like he did to no one else.

Donghyuck wants to be a safe place for Jaehyun. He wants to be there for him. Maybe it’s because that’s all he could ever offer, as a friend. He wants to be the only person that reminds Jaehyun of home. Donghyuck wants the best for Jaehyun, even if it’ll result in a heartbreak for him.

“You’re the best, you know that right?” Jaehyun says cheekily.

If I was the best, why couldn’t you love me instead?

Donghyuck shakes his head adamantly, gazing up at Jaehyun. Even covered in sweat and cheeks stuffed with ice cream, he looks stunning in the dim lighting of his living room. “Duh, tell me something I don’t know. I’m like, the best best-friend package.”

The twenty four year old lets out a scratchy laugh at his retort, coughing slightly halfway through. “What did I do to deserve such a great friend?”

Oh right, Donghyuck was only meant to be his best friend, nothing more, nothing less.

☕☕

His own heart was breaking just by watching Jaehyun stare into nothing.

They had gone out to the abandoned playground right beside Donghyuck's apartment complex to supposedly to go stargazing. They weren't doing much of it now seeing as Jaehyun had been that way all night, no matter how many assuring words left Donghyuck’s mouth or how many pats and rubs on the back he gave Jaehyun, the other just couldn’t stop questioning and doubting himself. It was killing Donghyuck.

Jaehyun dated Sicheng for a little over a month before they decided to end things. It was a mutual break up, the both of them ending on good terms. They agreed that they were better off as friends, and they were much closer now than when they had dated.

Donghyuck had hoped that would be Jaehyun’s last relationship for a while..

He was sorely mistaken.

Jaehyun met Doyoung and it was fine, Donghyuck admits, until it wasn’t.

Jaehyun met him at one of Yuta’s parties, they kissed, they had sex, and then they started dating. Jaehyun just fell in love, hard and fast, and all he wanted was to stay with him, but then he discovered in the worst possible way that Doyoung was not over his ex and that he was just using him and that he never wanted anything serious with Jaehyun.

Donghyuck hated it when Jaehyun became like this, this whole just-staring-into-nothing-silence thing. Every time he was starting to feel all right, Doyoung would come back and tear him down all over again. Each time his ex manages to coerce him back into his presence, Donghyuck hardly enjoys any time spent with Jaehyun. Right when things start looking as though they could heal, the situation flips on its head and smoulders into a terrible argument. With no one else to turn to, Jaehyun shows up tipsy on Donghyuck's apartment mat with glassy eyes, begging him to keep him company.

It had been weeks since Jaehyun had last thought about him, that he didn’t cry for him. He was returning to his life slowly, normally, going out with his friends and meeting other people. Donghyuck had hoped this time would be different, but no, nothing had changed, there was Doyoung calling Jaehyun at 2 in the morning again, probably completely drunk.

Whenever Doyoung was mentioned, it was like his last few brain cells flew out the goddamn window.

Donghyuck would never mind being there for him. He just hated picking up the pieces of Jaehyun’s broken heart time and time again, and at the end of the day, trying to keep his own from shattering as well. He never expected Jaehyun to love him back the way he loved him, and that was part of the reason Donghyuck had never told him his true feelings, no matter how many times he’d been on the verge of spilling them out.

“What did I do wrong this time? What did I do to deserve this?” Jaehyun sighs, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve, just a little damp between snot and tears.“I think there’s something wrong with me, at this point I don’t think anyone’s going to love me for real.”

“You did nothing wrong, Jae,” Donghyuck insists, “He was, is trash. You deserve so much better.”

“Trusting people is not a problem, betraying that trust is,” He continues softly. “You were too good for him.”

Donghyuck hesitates but manages to pull himself together to ask. “Does he love you?”

The weary smile that spreads across Jaehyun’s face breaks his heart. It stays in place as he stares at the ground and shrugs at him.

“No,” he replies with a small bitter laugh that Donghyuck hates with his entire being, “he doesn’t. But he could, in time. Maybe.”

“In time?” Donghyuck repeats incredulously. “Why are you settling for him? You shouldn’t have to!” He follows it up with a passionate rant. “If it were me,” he says at the end, his voice quiet, “I wouldn’t need the time.”

Jaehyun is quiet for a second too long before he responds. “Look, Hyuck, I want you to be honest with me, because something doesn’t quite feel right now, and I want to clear this up. Are you sure you’re alright? You know, whilst I’ve been gone? I know we haven't hung out in a while and that's on me but you know you can always talk to me right?”

It was as if Jaehyun wanted to set him up on purpose, to confess to him right there and then. Donghyuck couldn’t lie to him and himself anymore, he deserved to know the truth. The longer this was going to be bottled up for, the worse it was going to get.

Before he could really think it through, Donghyuck turns around to face him, letting all the words he’d held for so long come out for the first time.

“Okay, so there is something I want to talk to you about,” Donghyuck informs him, Jaehyun’s instincts serving him well. “I don’t really know how to say this.”

Donghyuck pauses and looks down to the ground, feeling a hand under his chin push his gaze back up. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m your friend, you can trust me.”

“That’s just it,” he sighed, “not having you here, and missing you, and thinking about you has maybe changed my outlook on a lot of things. You’re the greatest of friends, you’re perfect, but recently, I’ve just been thinking about the fact that I want more.”

“I like you,” Donghyuck whispers, his voice breaking the silence between the two of them, looking at the cracked pavement under his boots. He takes a deep breath to steel himself before he looks up to meet eyes with Jaehyun.

There was a long pause as his eyes once more divert away from Jaehyun, unable to look at him. It took him a moment to process what Donghyuck had said, nodding his head slowly as he thought repeatedly. The longer the wait grew, the more Donghyuck’s nerves developed - he needed to know how Jaehyun felt.

Donghyuck has imagined this, confessing, countless times.

Cheesy like in romance movies and rushed because he’s nervous. He even practiced what he would say. How he would reassure Jaehyun that, of course, he isn’t obligated to return his feelings and he doesn’t even have to reply because he just had to get this off his chest.

But he had also expected Jaehyun’s exact words, anticipated them, braced himself for them… so then why did those words hurt more than he could ever imagine?

Rendered speechless, Jaehyun found himself covering his mouth, replaying his confession in his head. He looked at Donghyuck, slowly registering the meaning of the words that left him. Anxiety rolled in Donghyuck’s stomach as he waited for Jaehyun’s response.

“You—” Donghyuck sighs, if someone could die of mortification he was sure that this would have been his ending. “You don’t have to say anything. Don’t say anything, please. Just forget this happened, and we can go back to how were before I decided to be stupid and opened my mouth.”

“Hyuck… I’m sorry…” his voice was softer than Donghyuck had ever heard it, but he didn’t dare lift his head, not ready to see the expression on Jaehyun’s face. He could picture it in his head without having to see it in real life.

Jaehyun clears his throat, scratching the top of his head. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend because of this. I know this is hard on you, so I’m just going to go, maybe I can see you tomorrow when you’ve got a clearer mind. We can forget any of this happened.”

At Jaehyun's words, Donghyuck’s chest tightened painfully and his throat constricted into a tight knot. For once, his heart didn't try to break free of its cage and instead took a step back from the locks and the door. It shattered in his chest and the knot in his throat tightened so much that it was almost suffocating him and for a moment, he thought that he wasn’t going to survive the pain searing through him, but he never fell to the ground. Donghyuck was on the verge of tears, but he suppressed them along with the sobs threatening to escape. Instead he kept looking at Jaehyun as he eyed him carefully. 

Fuck.

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

Donghyuck knew he shouldn’t have told him.

Shouldn't have opened Pandora's Box.

Shouldn't have laid his heart out in the open.

Jaehyun clears his throat again, the silence drowning Donghyuck as the discomfort in the room grew.

Too late now, he's already gambled too much.

“I’ll see you tomorrow." 

☕☕

But Donghyuck didn’t.

Donghyuck didn’t see him for a week. The first day he left Jaehyun alone, the second day he thought maybe something had happened considering Jungwoo had called him that night, something about a group project they had. So he texted him, he didn’t reply. Donghyuck texted Jaehyun again only to be left on read. The third day he tried calling him, that failed as well. Donghyuck very quickly realized Jaehyun was ignoring him. For a month and a half now actually. 

In the comfort of his own home, Donghyuck lies in his bed, staring into nothingness. The bedroom is completely bathed in darkness, not even a single sliver of moonlight peeking in through the blackout-blinds he had installed. He shifts to feel more comfortable, turning here and there, and that's when he sees tons of glow in the dark stars across the ceiling.

(Donghyuck’s brain unhelpfully supplies him with a memory dear to his heart and he can faintly hear Jaehyun’s voice saying, “I even put the stars up in a way that you can see some constellations because I know you love them so much.”

“Oh my god, Jaehyun this is so cute,” he lets Jaehyun drag him down and wrap his favorite blanket around his body before gazing up again.

“Not as cute as you though,” He teases, making Donghyuck roll his eyes.

Jaehyun’s left arm rested around Donghyuck, fingers circling over the skin of his ear as they both identified the constellations he’d made. It was already a bit difficult to identify them given that they weren’t completely accurate (not that Donghyuck really cared) but Jaehyun’s touch against his body was very distracting.

With his sturdy chest hiding behind his soft hoodie, Donghyuck is provided warmth and protection all at once. He’s tempted, like always, to place his legs over his until Jaehyun’s enveloping him entirely under his warmth, to stay and linger like this in this moment, to nuzzle his neck and pepper him with soft kisses. He’s tempted to fall asleep like this so he can wake up with Jaehyun still holding him in his arms.

But it’s a temptation Donghyuck never allows himself to fall into. Jaehyun’s his best friend, after all, as if that’s enough explanation as to why he can’t ever let himself want anything more than what Jaehyun’s giving him. But he hasn’t lost his resolve in all this time since he started to feel more for the dimpled boy, and he would like to keep it that way.

So much for that.

“I think that one is the Ursa Major,” Jaehyun’s laugh fills the room as he points up at the ceiling before dropping his hand, letting it rest against Donghyuck’s thigh this time.

“I don’t even know which one you’re pointing at,” Donghyuck tries ignoring Jaehyun’s hands on his body, instead, focusing on “stargazing.”

Donghyuck is used to his friends comparing the moles which scatter his skin to constellations, but with Jaehyun beside him, his head pillowed on top of his, Donghyuck notices something he hasn’t noticed before. The four moles on the corner of his mouth, which when looked at together, form a diamond.

It makes Donghyuck smile, as the tip of his index finger itches to trace down the shape, a smile stretching onto his lips.

With Jaehyun like this, Donghyuck can only think of how it matches him perfectly.

A diamond is the hardest, most resilient, most beautiful gem of all. 

Donghyuck thinks Jaehyun is far more precious and priceless than even the finest of diamonds.

“How was your day?” Donghyuck hums quietly, continuing to play with his hair.

“It was good. I spent like two hours setting up the ceiling and then I ordered takeout from that new Chinese place downtown for our dinner.”

Donghyuck couldn’t help but laugh at his words. “You really put in a lot of effort into this, huh?” He pulls his head back so he can look up at Jaehyun’s face.

“Of course. All for you,” a small smile adorns his lips as he shrugs.

They both continue looking for the various constellations across the ceiling, naming as many as possible until they’d both given up. The entire thing must have taken them about a solid half hour.

What he failed to notice that night is Jaehyun staring at him, because he thinks nothing can ever compare to the little stars that spill on the surface of Donghyuck’s honeyed-skin, stark in the moonlight. The constellation of moles Donghyuck has on his face, resembling the celestial beauty above. Jaehyun loves the stars the most and as Donghyuck’s breath ghosts across his lips, he often wonders what they would taste like against the seam of his lips.)

Donghyuck shakes his head, forcing Jaehyun’s voice and presence out of his mind before he starts sobbing over him again.

Last night was the sixth time in a row that Donghyuck didn’t get enough sleep. A couple of weeks has passed since that night with Jaehyun and honestly… he was fucked to say the least. On the surface it looks like they’re both moving on with their lives as normal, almost like nothing happened. Almost being the keyword here. Because once he takes a closer look, Donghyuck can see that the times Jaehyun stays over at his place has dialed down to a zero. Touching each other freely is no longer an option, either. And these among many others are the reasons why Dongyuck can’t seem to sleep properly.

Getting some sleep seemed impossible at this point.

Renjun’s words echoed repeatedly in his head: “You’d think that he would know how to act like an adult. If he doesn’t like you back he doesn’t have to cut you off." 

Donghyuck agreed, but he had. Because that was how Jaehyun was. 

("Everyone I become friends with always ruins it by falling in love with me,” Jaehyun grumbles as he sits across from Donghyuck. 

“How humble of you.” He mutters. 

“I'm not kidding, and I'm not trying to sound like a prick. I simply mean that I'd like to be friends with someone without them wanting to suck my dick.” Donghyuck looks at him, eyebrows raising to the top of his hairline.

Eventually, he rolls his eyes, a chuckle leaving him. “You want someone who isn’t interested in having sex with you? Like to not want you for sex? How ironic."  

"Listen I sleep with boys and girls,” Jaehyun starts. 

“A lot of boys and girls,” Donghyuck interjects.  

“But I don’t pretend to be their friend. I get straight to the point.” He finishes. 

“So you don’t want your friends to fall for you?

"No. I don't want to carry the burden of knowing someone I only see in a platonic way likes me in the romantic sense. I can't give them something more.

"I see. Such a good and humble saint that you are, Jaehyun.") 

Donghyuck’s eyes snap back open, a feeling he wasn’t expecting to be present resting in the center of his chest: anger. The phone sleeping silently to the left of him makes him angry; how long Jaehyun’s kept him waiting here without so much as an explanation or even a rejection makes him angry; the silence around him makes him angry; but most of all, the lack of Jaehyun makes him angry.

Gritting his teeth with a newfound resolve, he breathes out a copious amount of the stress riddled air from his lungs in one blow, straightening his bent posture and running his fingers through messy chocolate locks until they’re falling haphazardly around his eyes, but who’s to care anymore? It’s obvious no one that he needed to impress is going to be reaching out anytime soon.

If Jaehyun didn’t want anything to do with him then so be it. He’s going to distance himself—he’s not going to reach out anymore. He’s going to accept the fact that this is how their friendship ends. He’s going to move on and he’ll be fine. He was fine before he met Jaehyun, he’s certainly going to be fine now that he’s gone.

At least, he desperately tries to persuade himself.

It’s hard to think that at one point in his life, Jaehyun wasn’t around at all. There’s still a smidgen of pain when he recalls what it was like - Donghyuck’s going to miss seeing him every morning, or hanging out at cafes and coffee shops for hours, leading them to order a second, even third round of coffee and pastries so the baristas behind the counter would stop glaring at them every time they overstay. There are too many things he’s going to miss about Jaehyun, but this is the best decision.

It might be easier to move on if the two of them were lovers, but they weren’t even that. That’s not what they are. They were merely best friends, and that makes it harder.

Maybe the universe didn’t want them together, but Donghyuck sure as hell did.

☕☕

To say that Jaehyun had spent the last month and a half since Donghyuck’s confession to him confused would be a complete understatement. In fact, he’d been severely struggling with it and it made him feel terrible. He desperately wanted to maintain things as they were, to keep things consistent for him, and yet how could he when he knew that Donghyuck looked at him with such intense emotions?

He hasn’t felt this lonely since right after Doyoung left him. The darkness that shrouds his mind is something that has refused to leave him alone for almost the past few months, but it hadn’t been this bad in a while. It’s bad enough that he feels like he struggles to breath as he sits at the bar, a glass of vodka in one hand and his phone in the other. Jaehyun’s thumb hovers over Donghyuck’s contact, his mind battling with his heart as he painfully contemplates calling him.

He’s slightly drunk, it’s obvious that he’s at least tipsy, but he’s still sober enough to know how much he fucking misses Donghyuck. Jaehyun clenches his jaw, teeth grinding together as he locks his phone and places it down onto the bar; the glass of vodka making it to his lips as he downs it.

It’s almost 11 in the evening when Jaehyun finds himself outside of Donghyuck’s apartment. The change of temperature from the warmth of the heat in the bar to the cold air made him shiver slightly. He doesn’t know how long he’s sat there, back against the wall and knees up to his chest as he stares at his front door. After he’d left Johnny’s apartment, he found his feet walking to a bar, and after about an hour of drinking, he’d walked home. Well, he’d meant to walk home. But, somehow, in his tipsy-fogged mind, he’d automatically walked to Donghyuck’s building and then up to his unit. A while after that, Jaehyun had just sat outside his door, contemplating whether he should knock or not. A huge part of him desperately wanted to knock, and he almost did several times, fuelled by the courage of the alcohol. However, each time, a smaller part of him would stop himself, unable to actually follow through.

Jaehyun stays like that, with his arms hanging to his sides as he debates what to do. He’s been sitting in front of his door for a bit longer than deemed normal. Thankfully, not a single person has passed him by in the corridor while his fist hovers slightly above the door for what feels like ten minutes now. Naturally his arm gets tired, so he sighs in defeat and lowers his hand, eyes fluttering close as he takes a deep breath to slow his nerves.

He’s nervous and he hates that. Hates that he’s feeling foreign emotions around someone who’s supposed to be the one person he feels most comfortable and carefree with. But with Donghyuck, his hard facade is proving to break just at the thought of finally seeing his face up close again.

When the door finally opens, it’s like Jaehyun can finally breathe again. There stands Lee Donghyuck looking casually adorable, looking at him with his wide, pretty doe-like eyes that make his heart tremble in his chest.

“What are you doing?” he questions, tired voice more abrupt than he had expected.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Jaehyun questions, a giggle following his words.

“It looks like you’re too drunk to stand,” Donghyuck comments, a little amused with his quick comeback.

Jaehyun brushes away the dust on his jeans, and clears his throat. Donghyuck also busies himself with fixing his Care Bears pajama top, not knowing where to put his hands now that it wasn’t connected with the door’s knob. Jaehyun looks up to see Donghyuck’s hand reaching out to help him stand.

“Ah— ow—” Jaehyun winces as his knees creak from sitting too long. “Miss me?”

It was annoying, that broad cocky smile on his face, but Donghyuck couldn’t deny it. “Y-yeah, I missed you.”

Donghyuck still watches him with much interest, when Jaehyun remains silent after, his eyes sparkling with curiosity. He folds his arms, waiting for him to make the first move. Jaehyun inhales deeply before turning to him. Donghyuck leans in, showing he was interested in how he would justify his actions.

“Jae—”

“I love you.”

Donghyuck’s entire body freezes at the three words that just spilled out of his best friend’s mouth. Forgetting all about the cold that’s slowly numbing his body, he looks up at Jaehyun with wide eyes. He continues to look at him with that same loving gaze from earlier that pierces Donghyuck right in the heart. Reality hit him and his mind finally processes what Jaehyun said.

Was it possible the alcohol was doing the talking? Or he really was confessing his feelings?

What happens if Donghyuck says something wrong? Is it possible that their friendship would turn for the worst after everything that had happened and come to an end? Donghyuck didn't want to lose him anymore than he already did, but he couldn't deny that maybe, just maybe, Jaehyun felt the same way. Yet it was all too much right now.

“You’re drunk, Jae. Go home. Please.”

He doesn’t know what to say for a tormenting few minutes during which Jaehyun’s eyes are still trained firmly on him, waiting for an answer like it’s the most important question in the universe. Because it is for Jaehyun. It is, after all. It's only now that he realizes he's been in love with Donghyuck all along and was only too blind and stupid to know it.

Jaehyun inhales deeply, staring at Donghyuck with intensity which makes him shiver. He gulps down his nerves and licks his lips, trying to stop the stuttering to come out again, trying to be brave.

“Maybe.. Maybe I was scared. That you’d end up just like the rest of them. Every single person I befriend and then date ends up hurting me one way or another. What makes you think you’d be different?”

And that – that punches the breath out of Donghyuck’s lungs. More than Jaehyun landing on his chest with his full weight. More than when Jaehyun walked out on him last month, when it flung Donghyuck into a loop of heartbreak and regrets.

“No.”

Jaehyun blinks. “No?”

“Am I a joke to you, Jaehyun?”

“But you said you missed me…”

“How could you do this to me? You can’t just come here after walking out and giving me the cold shoulder this whole time and expect me to what? Run back to you with open arms? The complete radio silence hurt so bad, getting rejected would’ve been a hundred times better..” Donghyuck’s lower lip trembles and his hand balls into a fist.

“I wish I didn’t have these feelings, but I do.”

Jaehyun’s eyes are too intense for him, so Donghyuck moves to shut the door on him.

“I can’t deal with you right now. Good night, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun stares at the threshold before cursing at himself. How could he say all of that, especially at a time like this? He feels like he was dumped with cold water and he’s suddenly sober, the throbbing ache in his heart as a result of Donghyuck's reaction is palpable.

With the back of his hand, he wipes away a stray tear that began slipping down his cheek, stifling a sad, tiny sob as his heart painfully aches in his chest. He fucked up real bad.  

Donghyuck shuts the lights off behind him, before trudging towards his bedroom. He falls face-first onto the mattress, the lump in his throat clenching and unclenching, before it makes its way into his eyes, spilling out in the form of tears.

“I don’t understand how someone like you could rip my heart out so easily,” Donghyuck whispers, to the gloom that surrounded him.

Maybe Donghyuck and Jaehyun weren’t right together.

But maybe, just maybe, one day fate will make them meet again.

☕☕

By the time he got back to his table, Donghyuck already felt prickly and itchy and antsy in his skin, his mouth pinching into a frown that clung to his face as he looked up.

“One Iced Americano and a strawberry cheesecake for you sir,” the barista said as he served him his orders.

God, what was he thinking. Out of all the cafes and coffee shops in the city, he just had to stop by the one they used to frequent a lot.

It’s hard to think that at one point in his life, Jaehyun wasn’t around at all. There’s still a smidgen of pain when he recalls what it was like - going to random coffee shops either to cram on their assignments together or simply just hang out and chat about anything and everything, talking everyday until it was just every week, until it stopped completely.

Donghyuck admits he misses him. A lot.

In the past hour, the bell has jingled a hundred times, the voices of customers intermingling with the whistling espresso machines and clank of the register drawer. The background noise is easily tuned out, and yet with an uncanny sense, when the bell chimes again announcing a new arrival, Donghyuck slams his laptop shut, slipping it into the safe cavern of his backpack.

“Donghyuck?”

He went completely still. Shit. No way it’s Jaehyun. Did he actually manifest him? Maybe it’s one of his coworkers? It couldn't be one of the other baristas, he reasoned, because the sound came from directly in front of him. It had to be a classmate, maybe one of his acquaintances.

But then that wouldn’t explain why the voice was unknown, yet so familiar. The deep tone he recognized had a touch of nostalgia and humor to it, but he couldn't quite place it.

Or maybe he just refused to do so.

“Donghyuck? Is that you?”

There was that voice again, and now he was certain it wasn’t a dream. All the blood drained from his face because he was certain he’d felt a ghost.

“Donghyuck.” His eyes train on his planner, watching the veins in his hand flicker as he pulls up his massive Fundamentals of Marketing textbook to the current chapter. Only after finding the correct page does he look up at him and his awaiting smile. That brief moment of delay does nothing to prepare his heart as it skips twice, taking in his shining eyes, peachy cheeks, and smooth lips parted for him.

Now, Donghyuck sees him see him and Jaehyun’s face lights up. He knows that face by heart. He looks away, pretending to dig through his bag. He can feel any and all sense and rationality leaving his body.

“J-jaehyun?” He questions, voice small, face incredibly pale. His heart raced a thousand miles per minute the longer he stared at him with wide eyes. He felt like he stepped into a time machine because the last time he saw Jaehyun had been years ago, and yet he looked the same.

Okay so Donghyuck tended to be dramatic sometimes.

The last time he'd seen Jaehyun wasn't years ago, no.

He swallows the strain in his vocal chords, hoping to disguise their fragility with a long sip of his cold brew.

“You still come here, too?” 

“They still have the best strawberry cheesecake in Seoul."

The truth was, Donghyuck had avoided the place after that night. But he missed their cakes and pastries so much, he just had to come back. Nothing will come in between him and his baked goods, not even Jaehyun.

That was until he realized, he looked even better now than Donghyuck had last seen him. Jaehyun’s hair was a faded pink now - a stark contrast from his black hair last week - and he wore a jean jacket that looked a little too snug on him. He looked good. So good.

Donghyuck rises to hug him. Our bodies still fit so well together. He pulls away fast.

They settle down onto the table and launch into conversation with ease.

Donghyuck doesn't know how they did it but as time goes by, all the prior awkwardness began to melt away. It was as if they’d never had a falling out, easily slipping into what they used to be.

“I should really be going,” he finally said, after the conversation had gone on for two hours and a half. He had finished his iced tea twenty minutes before, but he had hated to leave just when the conversation had finally lost its awkwardness.

“Let me walk you home.”

"You really don’t have to.” Donghyuck replies, pulling out some cash to pay him back for the third round of drinks they had.

“C’mon. Just like old times.” Jaehyun smirks and Donghyuck can’t help but roll his eyes slightly. He remembers how every time they hung out, Jaehyun would insist on walking him home, even when it wasn’t so dark outside yet.

Donghyuck knew refusing him would be pointless so he nodded his head and gestured for Jaehyun to lead the way.

“Is this something you perhaps would like to do again some time? Y’know like old times.” Their hands swing lightly between the two of them, Jaehyun’s question leaving a lingering feeling in Donghyuck’s body. Warmth radiates from his heart and spreads around his skin.

“If this is you asking me if we can hang out at the coffee shop again, then yes, I would love to.” There was an accidental sigh of relief on his part yet a small sigh of disappointment from Donghyuck, his apartment was just ahead of the two of them now and Jaehyun seemed to notice as they slowed down. “Well, this is me,” Jaehyun smiles and walks him to his door, stopping outside and watching Donghyuck as he turns to look at him.

“I really enjoyed myself tonight.” He notices Jaehyun’s smile reaching his eyes as he spoke, the softest crinkles and those damned dimples appearing at the sides of his chiseled face.

He’s still smiling at him and his eyes are staring intently into him, filled with laughter and a little of something else, what Donghyuck could almost swear is hope. He realizes that he has been staring at Jaehyun for too long and he quickly finds something to do to hide the dark blush taking over his features with every second.

Jaehyun held out his hand and Donghyuck took it expecting a polite handshake. But as soon as his hand touched Jaehyun’s, he felt something slip into it. When Donghyuck pulls his hand away, he finds the money he gave him earlier and a note that read: 

"It would be nice if we could try again. :)”

It was just Jaehyun and the moon and the stars which he hoped Donghyuck was looking at too; it was the only connection between the two of them as of the moment. The soft glow of the night sky above them, the receiving end for the most longing of gazes.

Jaehyun then waves and turns around to walk away, leaving Donghyuck at his door with the softest smile and the warmest feeling in his heart.

Later that night, Jaehyun stands by his window and nurses a glass of wine as his favorite record plays on his new turntable. He was finally able to purchase a new one after saving up both his monthly allowance and his monthly paychecks. It's pouring outside, but it's nice and toasty indoors, and for the first time in a long time, he finds himself thinking about something, or rather someone, other than work.

So whenever you ask me again

How I feel

Please remember

My answer is you

Tomorrow, he's heading over to the record store to buy Bruno Major's latest LP. Maybe on his way back, he'll stop by the coffee shop.

Who knows, he might just run into a certain honey-toned boy there that he's been waiting for for quite some time now.

☕☕

Donghyuck had been in love approximately once before.

He was in high school when he dated a boy who made his heart race and his face flush. He was quiet and dependable, cheerful and kind. Although it didn’t last after he left for university in the States, Donghyuck enjoyed the relationship while it lasted. It was sweet, it was comfortable. It was what he needed at the time.

But what he felt then paled in comparison when he thought of Jaehyun. If Sungchan made his heart race, Jaehyun made it soar.

Donghyuck thinks no one could ever be as lucky as him. Because Jaehyun’s not only the cutest, funniest, most handsome looking boyfriend, but also the kindest, sweetest, most caring best friend anyone could ever ask for. It did not help that he had a genuine heart of gold and was thoughtful and reflective despite his boyish personality. Truly, there was no other person in this world – in any world – like Jeong Jaehyun. No one who could understand Donghyuck better than he does. No one he trusts more, no one he adores more, no one who means more. No one else who could make him absolutely giddy with joy the way Jaehyun does.

The early morning sunlight pours throughout the curtains, illuminating the room in a gentle radiance. Jaehyun is still sleeping soundly by Donghyuck, chest rising softly with every breath. Donghyuck stares at him, analyzing his features.

From his messy hair to his eyelashes, extraordinarily long and silken, to his nose, perfectly straight and delicate, to his lips that were slightly chapped from the cold morning air, but Donghyuck still found him breathtaking.

“Are you going to keep staring?” Jaehyun’s gruff morning voice comes out suddenly, startling him. Donghyuck laughs softly, brushing the stray hairs away from his lover’s face.

“How are you still so handsome sleeping, hyung?” 

Jaehyun cracks a gentle smile and reaches out, wrapping his arm around Donghyuck’s waist.

“Maybe you think so, but I’m not really.” Jaehyun scoots closer to Donghyuck and nuzzles his head into his chest. 

Donghyuck strokes his head softly, “Don’t you have work today?”

Jaehyun shakes his head no, hugging him a little tighter. “I took the day off, just wanna spend it here with you. No interruptions, just you and me. And this bed.” 

Donghyuck’s heart beats faster at his sweet (and suggestive) words.

“Sounds perfect. I’d like that a lot, actually.” 

Jaehyun grins that heart-throbbing smile of his before he leans up to give Donghyuck a sweet kiss on the lips, eyes shining with love and adoration. Donghyuck can’t help but giggle into the kiss despite their morning breaths, and they snuggle back into the warmth and comfort of their shared bed.

Donghyuck runs his fingers through Jaehyun’s thick locks as he allows him to insert his tongue into his mouth. Jaehyun groans at the sensation of him tugging on the chocolate brown strands. His big warm hands glide down Donghyuck’s back, squeezing his ass before lifting him by the thighs, and moving to hover above him, his back against their silken bedsheets. Jaehyun noses along the line of his jaw, mouthing along his throat, kissing and sucking and licking at every inch of honeyed skin he can possibly reach, and Donghyuck’s back arches at the sensation as he gasps and wraps his legs around Jaehyun’s hips.

The way the older man groans borders on pornographic. Jaehyun’s eyes are blown with pure unadulterated lust while his fingers trace the length of his torso with practiced delicacy. And Donghyuck, well he’s no match for such an attentive handler.

Coffee can wait, Donghyuck’s pretty sure his boyfriend is much more of an energizer anyways. 

Can I drink you, to wake me,

swirl you in my mouth, on my tongue,

and taste you like honey, a drop or two?

Keep your coffee, your tea,

give me you, give me a half sip

of ecstasy.

- Tyler Knott Gregson