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Erke’s view
Day 1
If someone had asked Erke how he thought this day would be, he wouldn't have assumed to be pushed against the cold wall of an empty school corridor. Not by Rollo.
But guess what? That was exactly what happened.
“Just take it!” Rollo insisted, trying to open Erke’s fist to put his ‘gift’ into it.
“I don’t want it, just let me go!” The smaller boy tried to escape but Rollo had grown a lot in the last 6 years and when standing next to him, the Dane felt like a dwarf.
“You will need it, believe me.” Rollo gave up trying to open his fist and stuffed the condom into Erke’s pocket.
“For whom? Haven’t you noticed that I’m not in a relationship? I don’t want your stupid condom!”
“It’s not my stupid condom. I bought a smaller size just for you.”
“YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!”
...
Everything started with his eighteen birthday last month. Erke didn’t understand what exactly had happened but since that day Rollo and Vili went nuts. It was never a problem that the two of them were in relationships, unlike himself, but now they seemed to be bothered by his virginity. He was very aware of his singleness and he didn’t gave a fuck about it. He was not interested in any of his classmates like Rollo, who had dated more than half of them and he wasn’t interested in this new guy in school, Eivor, Vili’s new love interest.
All Erke needed was a nice meadow to lay in, his friends, frikadeller sandwiches and -
“You’re okay? You seem to be somewhere else in your head.”
Stowe. His absolutely best friend.
They met six years ago and since then they have become very good friends. Not the way he was friends with Rollo and Vili, the friendship with Stowe felt closer. He could tell him everything, Stowe was always listening even when he just talked about an uninteresting TV-Show or about the beard that started to grow on his cheeks. The Saxon was always polite, had the best ideas for outdoor activities and - in rare moments - he could become very badass. Like this one day four years ago, when he had beaten up some bullies.
Spending time with Stowe was like winning the jackpot or living in a daydream. It was the most precious time of his day.
“Erke?”
The Dane opened his eyes and turned his head in Stowe’s direction. The other boy had stopped reading and smiled at Erke, who laid next to him in the meadow.
That smile. Erke adored that smile since their first meeting and he wasn’t tired of it.
“Ja. Don’t worry. I guess I got distracted.”
“By what?”
Your beautiful presence.
“Rollo was an asshole today. More than usual.”
“You want to talk about it?”
Erke stared at the sky, following the movements of the clouds with his eyes.
“He put a condom in my pocket.”
“A worn one?!”
“No! Why - no. He may be an asshole but he was polite enough to give me an unused one. I have no idea why he did that. I haven’t asked for a rubber. And Vili was telling me strange facts like ‘kissing is so good, you really should try it.” He rolled his eyes.
“Why can’t they let me live in peace?”
“Maybe they believe that being in a relationship is very important?”
“Neither of them are searching for a long lasting relationship. Maybe they will when they’re older. I’m just...confused. I can’t describe it any better.”
Stowe put his book aside and laid down next to him.
“Don’t let yourself get teased by your friends. Maybe it is just a joke.”
“Maybe...by the way, do you have a lovelife?”
Stowe’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Erke, we meet up every day. I bet you will be the first person to know if I’ll ever have one.”
“But I’m just meeting you outside your boarding school. Maybe you’re in love with one of your classmates.”
"Why are you asking me that?"
"I'm not so sure. Maybe I want to discover how it would feel to be in love. How is someone supposed to know that it's 'love' and not just a kind of crush?"
“Hmmm…”
Stowe’s brow furrowed while he was overthinking the question and Erke’s heart did a small flip. His friend looked so adorable!
“It’s hard to explain”, Stowe started, “when you’re in love you think about this person all the time. Everything around you reminds you of this person. You want to see her or him every single minute and when you’re spending time together, it’s like the best part of the day. Maybe you want to kiss this person and even more - but that could be just sexual attraction. Love is a deeper feeling.”
Stowe had closed his eyes while he was speaking.
“It’s a feeling like walking on clouds made of cotton candy and when the person you adore smiles, your whole heart is about to explode. A single touch makes your skin tingle and you are just...happy.”
The Saxon sighed in delight and Erke swallowed.
“But thinking of people...you’re sure it’s not just friendship? I often think about Vili!”
Stowe smiled and it hit Erke like a crossbow arrow again. This smile needed to get a warning sign.
“I’m pretty sure that true friendship is a kind of love. I read about love in all my books, between parents and children, lovers, siblings, friends - love can have a lot of different shapes, so discovering what ‘the’ love is can be very difficult. One monk once told me that you know it is true love when it hits you. I guess he was right.”
“But to know if he was right you first need to-” Erke paused and the spreading blush on Stowe’s cheeks verified his guess.
“You’re in love with someone”, he whispered and his stomach tightened. It had to be a joke! He could feel jealousy spreading inside of him, crawling up to his heart like a thorny vine.
Wait, why was he jealous?
“I guess I’m in love. But don’t worry. It...it will fade, I assume.”
“Fade? Why?”
Stowe seemed to start feeling uncomfortable.
“That person is not in love with me and I don’t want to mess it up. That’s why I just need to wait, until my feelings fade.”
“That sounds so sad”, the Dane admitted, but was happy at the same time. Oh no, he shouldn’t be happy about his friend’s sorrow. A tiny voice inside his head was telling him to encourage the Saxon, but another voice (very similar to Rollo’s) told him that this could be a chance to get closer to Stowe.
“What about you, Erke? Someone you’re in love with?”
The question hit the Dane in surprise and he only shrugged.
“Not sure. There is a person I really want to spend more time with but I don’t know if it's love.”
“A cute person?”
“The cutest.”
“Well...maybe you should think about it. Like the feeling with the cotton candy clouds.”
“Or like a smile that hits you like an arrow?”
“Precisely. Or when you start to feel jealous, because the other person seems to be in love.”
Damn! That was exactly the way he felt about Stowe. Nooooooooo! That would mean-.
The insight hit him like thunder and it was like scales fell from his eyes.
His desire to see Stowe as often as possible, the cozy warm feeling inside of him, when they were just sitting next to each other, the arrow-smile, the confusing wet dream he had once. It all made sense.
“Baldur’s sack”, was all Erke was able to say. He really was in love with his best friend and he had always misunderstood his own feelings.
“So? Are you in love?”
“I-I guess I am.”
Sadness seemed to flash across the Saxon’s face.
“Oh. And have you told this person about your feelings?”
Erke swallowed hard.
“No. I wasn’t sure until this moment.”
“It would be better if you tell that person your feelings.”
“But you also haven’t done it.”
“Hmm...I'm too afraid.”
There was a pause and before it could get awkward, Stowe took his book and started reading.
Thousands of questions flashed through Erke’s mind. He was in love with his best friend who was in love with someone else. By all gods, that sounded like a good story for a drama series.
He tried to focus his thoughts on another topic, but the same questions came up again and again and again. Who was Stowe’s secret love? Was his friend experienced?
“Have you ever kissed someone?” Erke asked curiously.
Stowe winced and took a deep breath before he answered.
“No, I haven’t. Oh, wait. Sure I have. I once kissed your knee, remember? It was six years ago, when you had this bad bruise on it and you couldn’t stop crying.”
Erke blushed and placed his palm on his face.
“That - that doesn't count. And I wasn’t crying.” He remembered that day very well. His wound hadn’t stopped bleeding and it had hurt like hell and then, out of the blue, Stowe had kissed his knee, telling him it would get better soon. He remembered how shocked he was, when he saw his own blood on Stowe’s lips and it had made him stop crying immediately.
“Yes you were. That’s why I'd kissed the wound, to make the pain disappear.
Have you ever kissed someone?”
“No.”
“Not even a knee?”
They both chuckled.
“Nah, not even a knee.”
There was a short pause.
“You know”, Stowe started, “It’s okay for me that I’ve never kissed someone. Most people can’t understand the reasons why I’m still a kiss-virgin at eighteen, but I’m sure the age doesn’t matter. I don’t have to do the stuff other people are doing. Rollo can kiss all the people on this planet if he wants to, but that doesn’t mean I have to. Don’t feel pressure, Erke. Being unkissed is no sin.”
The Dane’s eyes focused on the lips of his friend while he spoke. It was not the first time that he thought about their delicious shape. Would they feel soft against his lips or a little bit rough?
“You want to kiss the person you love?” Erke blurted out his new question.
Stowe inclined his face away from his friend when a new beautiful red shade started to grow on his cheeks.
“Erke, please…”
“I’m just curious. I mean, I guess I want to kiss the person I love but I’m too afraid. I have no experience and maybe I’ll get a brush-off because of this.”
A snorting laughter escaped Stowe’s mouth.
“That wouldn’t happen. Everyone would be glad to be loved by you, no one will deny you because of a clumsy kiss.”
Everyone would be glad to be loved by you . That sentence sent a shiver down Erke’s spine. Stowe always had such noble thoughts about him and that made him fall in love even more. Would he also be happy to be loved by him? Maybe this could be his chance to get closer.
“Would you like...to practise with me?”, Erke asked with a shaky voice.
“Pardon?”
“Practise. We both could practise kissing. I heard of friends who taught each other how to kiss.”
The following seconds felt like a millennium and Erke’s heart was beating faster,
“Erke, I’m honored you asked me, but I can’t. I don’t want to kiss someone who doesn't love me. If that means I will never get kissed, I have to live without.”
“And if I love you?”
Stowe froze for one second and Erke bit his tongue. He regretted his question immediately.
“Well...but you don’t.”
“But what if I did? Would you like me to kiss you in that case?”
“It doesn't matter because you do not!” Stowe said with a harsh voice.
Erke was confused, because Stowe had never spoken to him with such anger. Was his question too rude?
“But...maybe…!”
“No, Erke. Enough!” Stowe rose and grabbed his book and bag. The Dane was too befuddled to move and his eyes widened when he noticed the tears in his friend’s eyes.
“Stowe, I’m sorry. I...I’m so sorry if I did something wrong.”
“I need to go back to boarding school.” He turned without a farewell and left at a rapid pace.
“Stowe!”
Erke’s view
Day 2
“And then he started to cry and left”, Erke finished his summary of the day before and leaned back in his chair. Vili slapped his palm on his own face and Rollo went further by smashing his forehead on his desk.
“No human can be this stupid!”, Villi mumbled.
“I don’t understand why he acted like this, I mean-”
“By all gods and all their balls, I will tell him now! Fuck all this ‘he needs to figure it out by himself’-stuff!” Rollo shouted in rage. “His head seems to be stuck in a troll’s arse.”
He raised his head and stared straight in Erke’s eyes.
“Erke Bodilsson, you stupid bastard! Even a very blind bat can see that you two are head over heels in love with each other - and have been for years! I - no, WE gave you so many hints! Why would I give you a condom or tell you for months how good looking Stowe is!”
“But everyone is good looking to you-”
“Just shut up! You can’t tell me you have never noticed how Stowe looks at you, how often he searched for your company!”
“But...he told me that he is in love -”
“-with you, you fucking asshole!” Rollo growled to let off steam.
Erke’s jaw dropped and he opened and closed his mouth like a fish.
“It is the truth”, Villi nodded and patted Erke’s shoulder.
The three boys shared a look.
Uncountable feelings were spreading and dying inside Erke’s heart and he was unable to figure out what he was feeling or thinking at that moment. There was just one thing he was very aware of.
“I have to tell him…” Erke whispered.
“EXACTLY!”, Rollo yelled.
“I have to tell him NOW! Wait, the class will start in-”
“For fucks sake, if you don’t go now, I swear I will tear off your balls and offer them to Stowe. We will come up with an excuse for you. Just hurry!”
Erke grabbed his bag and smiled at his friends.
“Thanks, how could I ever-”
“JUST GO!”
“ERKE BODILSON! Where do you think you’re going?” The teacher’s voice resounded and she angrily put her hands on her hips.
“The class is about to start, sit back down!”
“But, Ma’am!” Rollo tried to insist, “this is about true love! He needs to leave.”
“You tell me that twice a week, young man. Noone is leaving my classroom.”
The three boys sighed in unisono.
…
Stowe’s view
Day 1
If this was what heartache felt like, he rather preferred to die.
It was not just painful. He could deal with a little pain or sadness. Unrequited love was even worse.
He never had much hope that Erke would ever reciprocate his feelings but he had prayed that they would have more time together. He was distinctly aware that he behaved like an egoist, but he couldn’t imagine spending his remaining days without his friend. He needed Erke like he needed fresh air for breathing or his crucifix to feel the protection of his god.
Stowe cupped the pendant of his chain with his hand and stroked carefully over the smooth wood. It was given to him five years ago. Erke had told him that they had to carve something in art class and this was what had come to his mind.
His eyes began to water and Stowe blinked, feeling the warm tears sliding over his cheeks.
He was pathetic. Instead of drowning in his own feelings he should call Erke to tell him that he truly regretted his prior behaviour.
//And if I love you?//
His heart tightened painfully.
//But what if I did? Would you like me to kiss you in that case?//
Of course he would. He would be the happiest person on earth - no, the entire universe.
But did this question mean that Erke was interested in guys? They had never spoken about this topic and Stowe knew that he shouldn’t be afraid to tell his friend about his sexuality. The true reason why he had avoided talking about it was his fear that Erke could answer, that he was only interested in women.
Stupid, stupid feelings. Why couldn’t a human blank them out and move on?
This beautiful ginger was killing him. The way he smiled, his optimistic view of the world, his absolutely fragrant scent. Oh, that scent. It gave him emotions he was hiding deep inside him. Whenever Erke had touched him, a flame started to burn inside of his stomach and one look into these pure blue eyes made him melt. By God, he was absolutely pathetic.
He should tell his friend that he was sorry for leaving him without saying goodbye and he should continue pretending that everything was fine and that friendship was the only relationship he was looking for.
He really should.
Stowe’s view
Day 2
The problem of his plan was that it involved talking to Erke and he was still so uncertain, the only solution Stowe figured out was to avoid his friend. He didn’t read the text messages on his phone and turned off the tune. Before facing Erke again he needed to get himself together, to overthink every possible reaction and how he could live on with his feelings while his friend was loving another person.
After school Stowe walked to the big orchard behind the monastery. It was the most quiet place around, even more quiet than the chapel. No pupils wanted to spend their time here and most of the monks had their duties to fulfill. Between two big apple trees was a little bench and when Stowe was confused, very stressed or sad, he used to sit here to regain his inner peace.
He took a deep breath, smelling the apple blossoms and tried to focus, but the first thought appearing in his head was the memory of one nice evening a while ago, when he and Erke had climbed a huge tree. They had sat on the branches for hours, joking around, smelling the awakening nature around them until they had to go home.
He missed those innocent moments. They were just kids, fooling around, discovering the world in all its shades, without stupid love-feelings and heartache.
More memories flashed through his mind and he underwent all the feelings again. All this pure happiness, even in moments of fear, like when they had to run for their little lives to escape from a watchdog. How they had laughed after hiding inside of the big refuse skip. The smell never disappeared from their clothes and they had to throw them away.
There was this warm feeling that started to grow inside of him while the years passed. He wanted so desperately to be loved by Erke but because of his own shyness, he just decided to do baby steps. He managed to sit a little bit closer next to Erke on the meadow; he offered him his help to do some fancy keltic hairstyles with his beautiful ginger hair. On one of their sleepovers, Erke lent him a shirt to sleep in and that night had been heaven and hell at the same time. The smell of his friend was so present.
Oh Erke…
Stowe felt his eyes watering again. He wanted to see him, he wanted to touch him, tell him that he loved him more than anyone in all of the universe, but how dare he? He had no right to bother his friend with his stupid feelings and all he would earn would be rejection.
“Stowe! I finally found you. I need to tell you something, but you haven’t answered my messages.”
The voice let him turn his head and there was Erke - with the biggest and goofiest smile on his lips. It faded the second he became aware of Stowe’s reddish eyes.
“Stowe”, Erke whispered and with two big steps he was in front of his friend, pulling him into a comforting hug.
The Saxon felt the warm arms, he could smell Erke all around him and the gently stroking hand on his back was nearly killing him. He didn’t deserve all of this.
“What happened?”, Erke asked and pressed Stowe a little more against him.
The huge knot of feelings inside Stowe burst and he started to cry. He was overwhelmed with this situation, with all of his feelings, with Erke’s smell, the kindness of his friend, his own self.
Erke didn’t ask twice, he just continued to stroke his back, while holding him as close as possible.
After some time, Stowe had cried out all of his struggle and he leaned back, a little exhausted and ashamed that he had let himself go. He noticed the sorrow on his friend’s face and he tried to change the subject as fast as possible.
“Sorry, your shirt is wet because of me...I will go to get you a dry one.” Erke shook his head and smiled.
“I don’t care. It will dry.”
“O-okay...uhm, you wanted to tell me something?”
“Stowe”, Erke said while grabbing his hand. “It doesn’t matter what I want at this moment. You’re in pain and as long as you don't feel better, all I care about is you .”
This nearly made Stowe cry again and the Dane seemed to notice, because he quickly added: “You want to talk about it?”
Stowe shook his head, but tightened the grip around his hand.
They just sat there like this for a long time.
“Is it because of the person you love?” Erke broke the silence and looked at Stowe, who just nodded.
Erke sighed in relief and smiled even bigger.
“You know, Villi and Rollo told me that you might be in love with me, so I suppose these tears were caused by me. I’m sorry for that.”
Stowe froze immediately and tried to remove his hand from Erke’s, but his friend didn’t let him.
“Ah, no escaping, dear.”
Erke took a deep breath.
“I couldn't believe it either after they told me because it’s nearly impossible that a guy like you would love someone like me, but I’m glad you do, because I’m also in love with you. I was too stupid to understand it but now I’m 100 % sure. Stowe, I’m head over heels in love with you.”
“You were not joking yesterday? By asking me if I wanted to be kissed by you?”
“ Nej , I’m not.” He took Stowe’s hand and placed it on his own chest.
“You feel my heartbeat? It’s about to explode because I’m nervous but happy at the same time.”
Stowe bit his lips. Was all of this real? Erke loved him?
He needed some breaths until he finally realised the whole situation.
“Ehm...so you really love me?”, the Dane asked carefully. “Because if you do, would you like me to kiss you now?”
Stowe chuckled and slapped Erke’s chest.
“Of course I love you, stupid. I loved you for so long.”
Stowe didn’t ask for permission, he just bent his head and gave Erke a kiss on his closed lips. It was not as good as he had expected. The Dane also seemed to be confused, because he furrowed his brow.
“Good start, but I think we should kiss once more. That can’t be the feeling everyone is hooked on.”
Stowe just smiled and kissed Erke again. And again. And again.
It really was getting better and they started to move their lips. Stowe felt like he was wafting over the bench and he just found ground again, after they seperated.
They pressed their foreheads together.
“Who told you about my secret hideout?” Stowe asked curiously after a moment.
“Your roommate Castiel. I asked him where I could find you and here you are.”
“I shouldn’t have told him.”
“What? Why? I’m glad I found you. You should thank him. I will thank him. By the way, are we a couple now? Or must I first invite you to dinner?”
Stowe burst out in laughter and stroked Erke's cheek.
“We are, my dear. We are.”
Erke's view
Three months later
Nothing had changed.
Rollo was still a dick, trying to give Erke more condoms, but he refused them every time. He and his lover wanted to take it slow. So no sex in the near future.
Erke and Stowe kept on meeting on the big meadow, where the Saxon was reading books and the Dane was lying in the grass enjoying life. Ok, there was something that had changed. Erke now had permission to rest his head in Stowe’s lap and that was the best place on earth. He listened to his friend when Stowe was reading to him and from time to time he bent down to kiss Erke.
Life couldn’t be better. In any case.