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“They remind me that I’m alone. So now, here I am in my little room where the only person who comes to visit...is just doing her job,” the patient had confessed after I had told him that he was back on the heart transplant list. The man sitting alone in the room, without any family coming to visit, reminded me of myself and how I am just so completely alone. All of my friends have families and partners of their own. Well, except Pravesh-he is in between partners or perhaps starting a relationship-you just never know with that man. But me-I’m just alone, and at times, that’s okay. That day, with that patient, I realized that perhaps I was allowed to be happy with someone.
I had turned down the most wonderful man-the one that I can be my complete self with, my best friend, my partner...my Mentor.
my Mentor.
That word defines my very reason as to why I can not accept his revelation to me that night. I have been fighting my feelings for a few years now. The most arrogant and self-centered man has changed many of his egotistical ways and opened himself up, revealing to be compassionate, understanding, and the best teacher that I could ever imagine having.
AJ Austin, cardiothoracic surgeon. Triple Board Certified. Attending. Cat Lover. Woman lover. Workaholic. Teacher. Best friend. Mentor.
All I can think of is how can I change my view on life so that I do not end up like this lonely patient. Absolutely alone.
I walked through the ER doors promptly at 3:45 am and headed to The Resident’s Lounge to drop off my items and get ready for the day. I passed a few nurses on my way and gave them a quick and forced smile, partially because I was still half asleep and then partially because I didn’t want to talk to them.
I had gone out with Torres last night and I’m glad it was my last night with him. That man is an utter bore. Yes, we have a few things in common: our age, our fascination with researching statistics, and of course, working with the heart. However, I could not keep my eyes open long enough to listen to all of the gibberish that came out of his mouth. Who in the world needs to know about clownfish? Or how male seahorses carry their young? I could have sworn that before our date he had researched all these ridiculous facts, but by the end of the night, I was convinced that he just happened to know them as a part of who he was. No thank you. I’ll pass on that man. “Fleeting attraction,” I had told AJ, when he had asked me why I wasn’t taking Torres with me to a concert.
Seriously. Am I ever going to get someone who could be with me and not be my Mentor?
I put on my scrubs, had my morning coffee and met AJ by the patient’s floor.
“What do we have in store today?”
“Good morning Okafor. We have two stents, one bypass, and one hernia repair.”
He too has coffee in the morning, except he put in all the mixtures: sugar, cream, and even counts how many times he stirs the ingredients. This man is odd, that was a definite fact. However, everything about him intrigues and challenges me in a way that I have never been challenged before.
I didn’t realize I was gazing at him, but then I felt him return the stare. For two second our eyes locked and I started to feel a warmness taking over my stomach. It was embarrassing and unacceptable. So I looked away.
I should never have feelings like that for my Mentor.
In the afternoon, that woman came to me with a giant grin on her face: AJ’s new girlfriend. I was sitting by the nurses station, staring at a stapler and the tape dispenser wondering what to do with my boredom.
This woman, Andrea, promoted some type of vitamin at the hospital but honestly, they could be green-colored crack for all we know and yet, Austin was still in awe of her. How AJ managed to score that woman is beyond me-I don’t see any connection there. But God knows the man most likely has slept with her a few times already. AJ is the man who said that he would wake up with one woman and then at night go to sleep with another. Who knows what happens under his covers at night...and how many times. Just thinking of that makes me want to hurl. That sexy man-with her. Gross.
“Mina, what type of food does AJ like? I want to make him some dinner tonight, and obviously give him some sexy time you know. He mentioned you make these elegant dresses and was wondering if you can do me a favor in making me one...when you have the time. I’d like to wear it for our monthiversary. Apparent AJ loves to celebrate every month that we’re together,” Andrea rambled and smiled, more rambling, and more smiling. Boy do I want to put a piece of tape on her mouth-or perhaps I should staple it. No, too morbid. But how do I get this woman to just shut up?
I got up from the chair and put the biggest and fakest smile on my face. I could feel the pitch in my voice rise a few octaves. “Sure, I can make you a dress.” Why in the world did I agree to that? Darn it-now I'd have to endure the woman rambling for who knows how long in my house. I better buy lots of alcohol. Maybe i’ll get her drunk and she’ll confess some personal things that would make AJ dislike her, or maybe she’d tell me some things about AJ in general.
“Great! I would love that. What do you say about tomorrow? AJ told me that you have the day off. And what do you know? So do I.” Oh Andrea, please shut up.
I immediately looked at my phone and paged myself. Beep beep.
“Oh Andrea, I guess we have to cut our conversation short, I'm being paged. Goodbye.” I walk away so abruptly and yet so content. That woman is bad news. I feel it. She is up to driving me absolutely insane.
Later at lunch, I went to the cafeteria. I usually ate with AJ, but lo and behold, Andrea now sat in my seat. I gave her an evil stare, but then notice that AJ has turned around and is now gazing at me. Crap. Fake smile do your thing again. I think all my teeth are about to climb out of my face. I tilt my head and place my tray on another table...far...far away from his.
Then I heard him yell, “Okafor, come sit with us!”
Crap. When was this nightmare going to end? But, he’s my friend. I guess I should make some type of effort to “accept” his new relationship. After all, I did want him to be happy, even if it wasn't with me.
“Oh, look at this picture babe,” Andrea was saying, as I walked up to AJ’s table, “we should have definitely hiked up that trail instead of walking on the road. Would you like to see Mina?” I sat down with a thud.
I said, “no,” but that b**** showed me anyway. She skimmed through pictures, and pictures, and pictures, and my grin just got bigger and bigger. I was losing my appetite too. So many pictures of them kissing and going to different places. I felt vomit accumulating at the base of my throat.
Of course she stopped at a nude picture of hers, the phone froze, and I had to sit horrified for a few seconds. Yeah, that was absolute hell. She’s wasn’t even that physically attractive-who knows why he’s attracted to...her.
“Woops. You were definitely not supposed to see that picture, Mina. Babe, my phone is frozen. Crap. I’ll have to restart it.”
“Let me help you with that,” AJ said shyly and extended his hand.
I sat in silence trying to eat something off my tray. If I didn’t occupy myself with something, perhaps I would end up doing something I’d regret. I might punch her, put chocolate pudding in her hair, or maybe even accidentally drop her phone on the floor. No, that will just make AJ mad, and the last thing I wanted to do was drive him away; there are so little people that I can completely confide in.
This.Just.sucks.
After what seemed like an eternity, both of them stopped looking at their phones and directed their gazes to me.
“What? Do I have something in my teeth?” I asked.
Their eyes meet, they smile, and then looked at me again.
“Ok. Out with it! You know I can’t stand it when people look at me and smile. Especially...like that.” AJ’s smile is almost taking up half of his head. I know something is up.
“Well, now that you asked. Andrea and I would like to invite you to a concert-”AJ started.
“It’s so we all have some time together and get to know one another-” Andrea chimed in.
“I don’t normally like this artist but since both you and Andrea like him, it’s best that I get accustomed to listening to the music,” AJ added.
“Who’s the artist?” I asked.
“Jay-Z” they weirdly stated in unison. Creepy unison. Uh, and then they both start to giggle like teenagers. When is this day just going to end?
Thank goodness I didn’t have to see her face tomorrow. Oh crap, I had agreed to fit a dress for her tomorrow . Maybe I should look through the dresses I had already made, that are more business-like, less spectacular, and could make her try them on, and then quickly and graciously kick her out of my apartment.
“Mina. What do you think?” AJ questioned.
“I don't know. I might be on call whatever day the concert is on. And who knows where the concert is. I might not make it to Chastain on time.” Excuses-why am I suddenly able to make up excuses on the spot?
“Actually, on Sunday, you are not on call. I already spoke to Cain and you are not on the schedule. Neither of us are. And in regards to the location, Jay Z is doing a private concert at the Hilton. Andrea’s client is having him over as a surprise for his wife.”
Great, so it wasn’t a normal, stay-away-from-me-and-let-me-dance type of party. It was some let-us-mingle party.
“I’ll let you know what I decide later.” I didn’t want to think about it. I just wanted to get up and get away from that awkward conversation. So.I. did.
“Thank you both for your company, but I need to leave. Enjoy your lunch.” I grabbed my tray, my food barely touched, and walked away.
Devon.
He stood outside the bathroom looking at the door with frustration painted on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him.
“Some of the interns flushed condoms down the toilet...again. And I really have to pee. I had a few too many coffees and water. The next bathroom is too far away. Jemmie, the plumber, said he’s almost done fixing the toilets.” Devon responds, “I’m honestly tempted to just pee on that plant right now. This has been such a long and horrible night.”
“Just go to the women's bathroom. I’ll be your lookout.” Devon is one of my close friends. Though I didn’t confide in him like I did with AJ, Devon knew things about me that my other friends do not. Devon knew my secret: my abrupt and confusing feelings for “The Raptor.” He also knew who my favorite artists are, the rules to my house, he knew I secretly boxed since the age of 7 and had matched each Thursday night, and knew what movies we both had in common. He was like the little brother I never had.
After a handful of minutes, he came out of the bathroom with relief written on his face. “Thank you Mina. I have to get back to work. You want to walk back with me? It looks like something is on your mind.”
We headed back towards the ER, walking at a slower pace than usual, which gave us some time to talk.
“It’s Andrea. That woman drives me completely insane. And now tomorrow, she’s coming to my apartment for a dress. She wants me to make her a dress-all because “The Raptor” told her that I have that hobby.” I was angrier than I had thought and I guess that transffered over to how I said those words, because then Devon asked, “Have you asked yourself why she drives you insane?”
I couldn’t believe he just said that! I look at him with utter astonishment-as if he had just slapped me across my face.“No. No.No. You are completely wrong,” I told him. But that wasn’t enough to keep him quiet.
“Perhaps, you wish you were in Andrea’s place-receiving all the love, the support, sleeping in his bed, getting those looks he gives her.”
That hit me hard. Deep down I knew that perhaps Pravesh was right. But I couldn't and should not have any romantic feelings for my Mentor. I looked at him with such a look that makes him shut up. But then he smiles. All of his teeth were showing. I even think one had a cavity. Why did people smile that way?
“You know-you are the most honest person I have ever met. You are honest to your co-workers, you patients, friends, neighbors. However, there is one person you're not honest with, and that’s yourself. You hide behind some wall that you’ve built and you refuse to let yourself be vulnerable-even with yourself. One day you will have to face the truth. My question for you is, when you realize it and then accept the truth, will it be too late? Will your chance be gone? Think about it. I need to get back to work.”
I stood there by the hallway next to the ER door looking like a deer in the headlights. He was right. I am not being honest with myself and that only brings me more frustration. Perhaps I should accept that I want to be happy with someone...one day. But right now it is not the time to be thinking of my acceptance nor my feelings.
I felt a strong grasp on my shoulder followed by the sound of a deep, sexy male voice. “You ready for our next patient, Okafor?”
“I’m always ready,” I answered with confidence, and we headed towards the elevator.
“You know, Andrea just wants to get to know you-she knows how important you are to me, “AJ explained,“I heard that both of you will be hanging out tomorrow. You know though, I see how you sometimes fake your smile. If you don’t feel comfortable, then just let her know. She will understand.”
Oh this man. Why did he know me so well? Even having a girlfriend, he still tended to pay attention to the smallest details in regards to me. I still couldn’t put my finger on why though. He had started dating Andrea not even 24 hours after he professed his feelings for me. He clearly didn’t care about me romantically. Or perhaps he did at times. The way he looked at me and the way he acted portrayed two different things.
What I didn’t and still don’t understand though, is why he professed himself to me. He, too, knew the rules.The Code of Ethics was very clear: No attending and or Mentor should date a Resident. He knew the risks, he might be discredited-we both might be discredited. People might perceive that I only got ahead because he was my supervisor and that I only got to do certain high-end procedures because of him. AJ, for now at least, could only be my friend. Just that.
“Well, if she is important to you, AJ, then she’s important to me. You are my confidant, and as your friend it is my duty to try to make things work with those you love.”
“Hold up now. Love? I don’t know if I love her just yet. We just started dating. But...I do appreciate your sentiments and intentions. It’s kind of cute.” He had a small grin on his face and his eyes glistened amidst the poor hospital lighting.
As we got out of the elevator, he turned to look me straight in the eyes. It is a very penetrating gaze-it is as if he was trying to see into my soul. Confused, I started to question him with my own pair, but he seemed too deep in thought. Suddenly, his eyes dropped and he looked sadly at the white tile beneath him. Perhaps he was reminded of something. Who knew what was on Austin’s mind.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
His gaze returned to mine. “I was just reminded of something ,” he looked a bit embarrassed, but for what? I did not know. Perhaps I would never know. Then he proceeded to walk towards the entrance of the OR.
I was still stuck standing by the elevator in complete confusion.
“You coming Okafor? This surgery can’t perform itself.”
The next day, I heard a soft knock on the door. Oh, I had been dreading this moment all morning. I even started to drop trash on the floor and disheveled the pillows so that perhaps she’d be disgusted at my apartment and would just leave. I had originally thought of asking Pravesh for some spoiled milk so that I could put some in her coffee, but Austin would see right through that gesture and know I intentionally gave her food poisoning. Plus, I only have almond milk in my refrigerator, something Andrea... might actually like. I don’t think I should ask her if she wants any coffee.
I opened the door and plastered that stupid fake smile on my face. “Hello Andrea, how was your morning?”
She returned the smile, obviously not fake, and held out two giant bottles of wine. “One for you, and one for me. AJ told me that you really like this type of wine.” Well, she wasn’t stupid. I’ll give her that.
I immediately gave her the house rules: put your purse here, if you use the toilet to put the seat down, wash your hands, don’t touch anything that’s not hers, and to not touch my alcohol. She cheerfully agreed. Cheerfully. Ack! Can this woman get anymore repulsive? I then took her to my studio in the back of my apartment. I had hidden most of my heavily embellished dresses and left out only the most boring-looking ones and the ones that I hadn’t yet added beading to.
“Oh these are so beautiful Mina. I like this one, and this one, and OH! That blue one is definitely the most divine.”
This woman wore so much blue that she might as well be a real-life smurf. I looked at her with one eyebrow coked upwards. The dress was a silk, sapphire-colored dress. Up to the knees, just like she liked her dresses, but perhaps it was a bit revealing for her type of persona: the neckline went straight to the naval.
“Mina, can I please have this one? How much do you want for it? I am absolutely sure that it fits me so we might not need to hem it or anything.” That woman stood in absolute awe. She wanted that dress. And who knows what nasty things she was conjuring in her head, because then she said, “Oh, AJ will definitely want to rip that dress right... off me.”
I was standing next to a mannequin thinking on how it was perfect that she found a dress so quickly and how she was going to leave soon. And somehow, the next thing I knew the mannequin was lying on the floor and Andrea was screaming. Perhaps it hit her on the head, maybe I lost my balance, maybe she lost her balance. I didn’t quite know. All I knew was that I quickly yanked that blue dress off the mannequin and then told Andrea that we were going to the ER to get her head checked.
She stated that she only had a small bump, but I was not going to risk it. I didn’t want to meet the wrath of AJ the next day because my mannequin almost killed his girlfriend.
AJ was already waiting for us in the ER when we got there. He grabbed Andrea’s face and examined the bump.
“I told Mina that it was nothing but she kept insisting that I get my head checked, “ Andrea explained.
“Perhaps it’s nothing but you can never be too sure.Are you lightheaded? Dizzy? Do you feel nauseous?” he asked her.
“No, but now looking at you I am feeling some other things.” She had to look at him that way, all seductively.
More bile started to accumulated at the back of my throat.
Pravesh came over to us and told Andrea that she was getting a head CT to just be safe. AJ and the nurse took Andrea to get tested and I was left wondering the ER all by myself.
“So, did the mannequin just happen to fall or did you accidentally drop it on her?” Pravesh asked, popping up out of the blue.
“I’m not quite sure. All I heard was a scream and then saw the mannequin on the floor.”
“Are you sure you didn’t subconsciously do it? Mannequins don’t usually just fall over without something forcing them to fall.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about. Don’t you have some work to get back to?”
“You’re right. I was just checking up on my friend. I’ll see you later. Oh, and nice dress.”
Nice dress? Oh crap, I didn’t realize I had brought it into the ER. I figured I should place it in Andrea’s purse and then leave. AJ would most likely take her home anyway. I could text her later and ask about her results. I went back to where Andrea’s things were and looked around the room-I didn’t want anyone to think I was stealing something. However, upon opening her cheap-brand-named purse something caught my eye. It was a white stick. OH MY G…
I pulled it out of the purse confused, saddened, alert to the possibilities, scared.
Two lines.Too freakin lines.
Did AJ know?
What should I do? How should I react now, tomorrow, the day after that?
Should I tell AJ that I know?
Is it AJ’s baby?
I stood there with so much pain in my heart and finally came to a realization: this is what Pravesh had warned me of-that perhaps there would be a time where it will be too late to accept my feelings. I no longer had the time to figure out what those feelings meant or were. But one thing was absolutely certain:
I guess my Mentor would perhaps only ever be a Mentor now.
**Note to reader. Obviously we know Andrea and AJ did not have a kid (on screen at least), but there was enough time for them to get a pregnancy scare.**