Work Text:
Junpei Yoshino was selfish.
He never allowed that descriptor to cross his mind when describing himself. In fact, he went out of his way to dodge the beckoning hands of that concept whenever they appeared. No, he was not selfish. He thought all those who hated him were selfish- they were takers. They took everything from him, his innocence, his spark, his safety, anything good he once possessed they reached deep inside of him and extracted forcefully, so forcefully he retched and bestowed upon them his stomach contents. They took everything, so he thought.
It turns out there was some of Junpei Yoshino left. Buried, deep down. Like a sleeping bear hiding their food supply while they hibernate. The small piece of sunstone that burned deep inside Junpei was so foreign to him he was unaware of its existence. It had become eclipsed by an icy exterior that began to grow inward, snuffing out any heat it encountered.
Yuji saw Junpei's sun. He also saw his ice. But to Yuji it wasn’t the biting, frigid cold Junpei thought it was. It was the first snow in December. It was the very specific knowing that when you got done making snow angels there was a warm, inviting fireplace and hot chocolate inside. Yes, it was knowing that you had a home to return to. It was also moon dregs ghosting along through the deep, freezing waters without a brain, without a heart. There was no logical explanation as to why it lived, why it survived, but it did. And the world was a much more interesting and wondrous place while this ice was in it.
Junpei became aware of his selfish nature approximately a month and a half after his mother’s death. It was forty-two nights of Yuji holding him the way Nagi used to when he shook so completely and violently he felt as though his muscles would give up on him and leave him an insentient, catatonic shell. Yuji held Junpei when his sobs that wracked his entire body turned into convulsions. He held Junpei when the morose boy longed for a blade to be buried deep in his neck and wrists.
The thing about those nights, though, was that they always turned into next mornings. Always another day that was forty-three, forty-four, forty-five days since Nagi passed. Another day filled with faces and names Junpei couldn’t remember and convoluted sorcery facts that meant nothing to him.
The only thing keeping Junpei together was Yuji. He was taking everything he possibly could from Yuji without the ability to give anything back.
“Yuji... I’m so sorry..” Junpei stared far out Yuji’s dorm room window. Further than what was in sight, as if his eyes were reaching into another plane of existence to escape his dissatisfaction with his current reality.
“Junpei, you don’t have to apologize. For anything. Not to me.” Yuji started, extending a hand towards the distant boy but stopping curtly. Junpei didn’t like to be touched unexpectedly.
“You’re rotting,” Junpei stated.
Yuji furrowed his eyebrows, desperately trying to understand, “What?”
“I’m rotting you. I’m selfish. I keep taking and taking from you and pretty soon there’ll be nothing left,” his voice started becoming frantic, “I-is this what I do? Do I break down everyone around me until they’re just as sick as I am? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Yuji. I’m sorry.”
“Junpei-“
“I tried to kill someone!” The frail boy wailed. “I tried to take someone’s life away. Just like my mom. H-how do I ever come back from that?”
The room fell silent for a few moments save for Junpei's quiet sniffles. Yuji slowly made his way towards the other boy, making sure he was in his peripheral vision before reaching an arm over his shoulders, pulling him close into his chest.
“You can have me.” Yuji eventually spoke. “I'd give anything for you, Junpei. Without question. accepting love given to you from others isn’t selfish. I think, maybe, it makes you the opposite of selfish.'' Junpei's warm tears now stained Yuji's uniform. He looked up from the boy's chest, locking eyes. “If you’re selfish then you act without consideration for others. But you’re letting me help you. Which I want to do. You’re giving me the gift of giving a gift to you. Does that make any sense?”
Junpei sniffled and let out a small chuckle, “Yeah, yeah it does.” He sighed.
Yuji drew Junpei deeper into himself, bringing both arms around him and pulling gently, “That’s what you do when you love someone.”
Junpei froze for a moment, his breathing halted as though the wind had been knocked out of him. “...Love?” He spoke slowly.
Yuji panicked for a moment. Was this too much too fast? Why would he pile even more confusing emotions onto Junpei? Did he just screw everything up and make it all worse? “I’m-i’m sorry! I shouldn’t have said that! it was silly I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything, I just thought-“ Yuji paused as he felt Junpei's breathing return. To his surprise, the smaller boy melted even further into him, and he felt a smile against his shirt.
“I love you too.”
Now it was Yuji’s turn to freeze. Had he heard him correctly? Does Junpei love him? Wait- is it in the same way Yuji loves him? Does it even matter? “Wha- really? You do?” He looked down, slack-jawed and in awe.
Junpei giggled and met Yuji's gaze, “Of course I do.”
Any hesitation or uncertainty Yuji felt about Junpei's feelings washed away the minute he looked into his eyes. They were filled with hope, admiration, dedication, and something else Yuji couldn’t quite pinpoint- maybe he’d know when he’s older.
In unison, Yuji lowered himself as Junpei began to rise, sun meeting moon, until they were level with one another. They just smiled while looking at each other for a while, studying the other’s face, their scars, until Yuji pulled Junpei in for a hug.
Yuji wrapped his arms around his lover’s waist and buried his head deep in Junpei’s shoulder while Junpei’s arms snaked around Yuji‘s shoulders, resting his forehead on the collar bone in front of him.
Yuji eventually pushed the two of them downwards and scooted to the top of the bed so they were laying down, still entangled with one another. “Wanna go to sleep?” He suggested.
Junpei let out a small yawn and nodded. “Yes please.”
Junpei always assumed dying felt like falling asleep. When you’re asleep you lose consciousness and what is death if not your consciousness slipping away for good? Because of this, he often felt fear and a nagging anxiety as he laid down for rest, wondering if his falling asleep was actually a slow death, if he wouldn’t wake up in the morning and be able to tell his mom how much he really loved her. For the first time in ages, he succumbed to sleep peacefully, knowing deep in his gut, in his sun, that if this moment did happen to be his last he’d made his peace and shared his love. Because this time it didn’t feel like he was losing consciousness, but gaining a second one. The moment he began to slip away he reawoke on a sunny beach, Yuji and his mom on either side of him. He dreamt the three of them drank from coconuts then floated on their backs in the sea, an infinity on either side of them. For the first time in months, Junpei made it through the night and felt okay about being held by Yuji.
Both Junpei Yoshino and Yuji Itadori were selfish, and that was okay.
When Junpei, Yuji, and Nagi were done swimming they made their way to the sand to lay down. As Junpei looked up at the bright sun he squinted, closing his eyes then reopening them in Yuji's arms. It took a moment to get oriented but once he remembered where he was he snuggled himself even closer to Yuji, wrapping an arm around his waist.
All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.
Yuji smiled down at him, “Good morning, snow angel.”