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Chapter Text

Keepsake songs

To Leonard

Track 1- The Last Time

Track 2- Treacherous

Track 3- I Knew You Were Trouble

Track 0- Sweet Baby James

Track 0.4-How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)

Track 4- Starlight

Track 5- Holy Ground

Track 6-Begin Again

I hope that when you find this and put it into our old stereo, that you think of me. -James t 

Chapter Text

That was the last time…he said that was the last time.

Jim was standing behind a wooden table, the door open behind him. It felt empty, they were there, the staircase behind Jim. The creak of a door as Jim effortlessly twisted the doorknob. A little vintage apartment, empty words, empty silence. A brief case placed on the kitchen table. The blinds wide open as the sunlight shined inside.

The night before, was merely a rebound. A farewell. Like kissing a sailor goodbye before they go off to sea. A kiss goodbye . That’s what it was. Jim didn’t speak as he let himself believe that when he kissed Leonards neck, when he left love bites along his jawline, when he said “ You’ve got it wrong, we got it wrong.” ...that he was merely saying goodbye.  

Jim frowned, looked down at his socked feet on the hardwood floor. Remembered how he found himself at Leonards door, just like all those times before. The words Leonard whispered into the dark. Slipped from his lips like a cruel last wish, how Jim stayed and listened. And when he opened his eyes into Leonard’s, everything felt better. How it almost felt like merely a pin dropping, would cause Leonard to break in front of him...

Jim leans his head against Leonards shut door, he isn’t sure how he got there, all the roads he took led him there. He grazes his hand along the wooden door, thinking about all the people who’ve gotten splinters before him. He imagines how Leonard was in that apartment all alone, how he would open his eyes into Jim’s and everything would feel better just for a little bit. Just like all those times, he felt like getting lost in Leonards eyes would fix everything they’ve ruined .

It's dark and dim and it's cold in that apartment. It feels empty, like the whole complex can hear his thoughts through their closed doors. It's raining, he can hear the trickles against the windows, the roof. He can feel his fingernails digging into his hands, as he stands there with his bottom lip between his teeth.

Suddenly Leonard opens the door as if he knew he’d be there. It's like looking into a mirrorball , Jim curses himself for being there. He knows it has only been two weeks since he said goodbye, but it feels like a lifetime. Jim backs away from the doorframe, tugs at his jacket sleeves, picks up his briefcase. It feels wrong to be there when two weeks ago, he said “Fuck, we just keep breaking each other over, and over.”  

“I don’t know why I’m here...I’m sorry.” Jim whispers, and he turns towards the stairs.

But Leonards hand closes around his wrist, tugs him around, till he’s looking at Jim and it feels like the world is going to disappear.

“I know you said we’re breaking each other, I know we said we can’t keep this up. But please don’t leave.” Leonard begs, softly.

“We both have baggage...Leonard you-” it feels like his words are caught in his throat.

“You can leave, I know I’m hurting you, but please...please don’t leave me alone again. Not tonight. This is the last time I’m asking you this.” 

Jim can feel his heart wrench. His throat is dry and he can’t think of anything to say.  He can see tears forming in Leonards eyes, he knows they are both breaking each other by just being there. Jim wants everything to pull himself away from Leonard, to leave out down the stairs and down the street. He knows a small part of himself is forcing him to stay. So he bobs his head once, taking Leonard's hand, closing the door behind them like an old bad habit.

He remembered the familiar feeling of his head tilting up into a nod, wrapped himself in between Leonards limbs, Leonards poetic anecdotes. Promised not to talk, not to leave too early. How he might’ve left a small part of himself there, in between those bed sheets, in between their slumber and only slumber. 

So Jim was there then, still in that vintage apartment. Empty silence. Leonard was only wearing boxers and a shirt that used to be his. Jim is silent as he slipped on his shoes and threw on his jacket, Leonard didn't look at Jim instead, preferred his gaze on the fireplace.

“Will you be okay here alone?” Jim asked.

Leonard made a sound like ‘mhm’, didn’t say more. And as Jim reached for his briefcase he spotted the engagement ring on the kitchen table. 

“Why did you say yes if you didn’t want to marry me?” Jim asked.

Leonard was still silent, it made Jim mad. Made him clench his jaw, but he didn’t expect him to answer because it didn’t matter anymore. So as he closed his briefcase with two clicks, he took a moment, gazed around the apartment. Thought about every happy thing they’ve done. He Remembered all the stupid memories they had. Dancing in the kitchen in the refrigerator light, down the stairs they were there. The wind blowing in his hair,  in the passenger seat of Leonards stupid pickup truck. 20 stitches in a hospital room. 

He reached for his PADD checking his flight time, realized for the first time he’d be getting on a flight without Leonard. It was the silence that broke him, that made him say the thing he’s always wanted to say.

“You know...it’s been you all along,” Jim spoke. He could feel a lump in his throat as the words came out. Grinned as Leonard, looked up into his eyes. “It’s been you all along...I wish I could’ve met you at a different time.” He could feel his voice crack and he prayed he wouldn't cry.

Jim chuckled as he felt tears fall down his cheeks and Leonard chuckled too. 

“I’m sorry I threw my phone at you, I’m sorry for everything.” Leonard whispered. 

Jim choked back a sob, his hand deep in his pocket. 

“Yea well...I think I started that one.” 

Jim was unsure if he should go. He stood in the tense silence as they found themselves staring at each other's tearful eyes. Jim stepped forward, dropping his briefcase on the hardwood floor. He cupped Leonard’s face in his hands, wiped away the tears that fell down his cheeks. He pushed the hair away from Leonard’s face and it felt like old times, when nothing was broken or ruined. He didn’t kiss him, just looked at him with one of those bittersweet lovesick smiles, he took Leonard in. memorized how his eyes shined in the lamplight, how each strand of hair laid to rest on his face, memorized how Leonard looked in one of his old borrowed t-shirts. Memorized him like an old favourite song and said,

“This is the last time, I won’t hurt you anymore. I promise.” 

It was like a million little photographs of memories laid out in his brain. Jim sighed and grinned that “don’t you wish you had me?” grin that Leonard loved so dearly. And Leonard had to look away in fear of breaking entirely. 

“I should go.” Jim suggested.

Leonard nodded in agreement.

“Yea you should.”

Jim turned towards the door, picked up his briefcase, pausing as he shut his eyes tight. Screamed in his head for his legs to move, and it felt like an eternity. He finally moved, stepped down the stairs, as the floorboards creaked with every step. Tears streamed from his face again, kept his mouth shut tight, worried his lip between his teeth. He was compressing the sobs that were begging to be let out. Resisted the urge to turn back around and do everything over again. Break each other over and over again till they can’t break each other any more. Because a part of him would miss screaming and crying and cursing his name. Soon he was at the bottom of the stairs and then he was out the apartment complex door with a click. And then was sitting in the back of a taxi, watching Leonards apartment grow further by the second for the last time.

Chapter Text

It plays in Jims ears as he runs. Runs faster than he’s ever run before. And he can hear his heartbeat in his ears, and Leonard’s name echoing though his mind. His breath is jagged as he runs down the sidewalk. It's almost adrenaline inducing to him, as he speeds around the corner of a small neighborhood. The warm wind blowing against his face, into his hair, tossing it up. He wipes his forehead with his jacket sleeve, and prays to god there’s still time. The sun is going down and he can see the sunset now at the end of the street, he almost falters, realizing he might be too late. But the sound of his gasp for air echos, before he speeds further down the road, it's like coming up for water and seeing the finish line.  

He runs even faster now, wishing he had his motorcycle now. The song still plays rapid and loud in his ears, encouraging him to keep going.

He reaches the end of the street finally, skidding to a halt. His sneakers rubbing on the gravel. He’s just beside the sidewalk and theres a tree planted in the grass beside it. He stops a few feet away from a house that is small, blue, big windows. He leans against the small tree, arms crossed over his chest. He watches the house carefully, deciding whether or not to go in, or to knock. The blinds are open, there is food on the table and Jim finds himself beaming like a child at the sight of the family. Lights are lit dimly, watches as he notices a teenage girl, a mother and a father joke around at the kitchen table. Wonders what it must be like to have a father who cares so deeply, even when it’s been a few years too many. The daughter has this toothy grin as she talks and talks to her father. And shes beautiful, looks just like Leonard. Has those same eyebrows, that same stupid nose, that same brown hair. And he can see him smile as he tussles the daughters hair, how he joins them awkwardly and they pass around a bowl of salad. Jim lets out a huff of frustration, he’s too late.

“I couldn’t do it.”

Jim jumps, frightened by the voice, until he realizes it's Leonard. He is relieved. Leonard joins him standing there. Jim can feel his heart slowing down, takes a moment to breathe. 

“You couldn’t do it.” 

“I had this big speech, was gonna bust in there, tell her how sorry I was, how much I missed her,”

Jim turns to face Leonard, he’s staring at the house still from afar. Watches his eyebrows furrow and the wrinkles of his forehead crease in that ‘what the fuck is wrong with me’ way. 

“Why didn’t you?” Jim asks.

Leonard chuckles, and he laughs, he’s giggling. Until tears are streaming down his face, until the tears turn into angry, sad, pathetic tears and he feels useless and miserable. Jim doesn’t know whether to laugh, or to comfort him. He stands there confused, places a comforting hand on Leonards forearm. Leonard turns around, faces the electrical wires behind them, and his feet drag him slowly away from there.

“When I saw her through that window, with that big happy expression on her face, with a father who could love her the way I never did. Who has already been there when I haven’t....I couldn’t bust in there, I couldn’t take that away from her...I couldn’t hurt her again,”

He shakes his head as Jim catches up, his head tilted up at the sky, and he lets out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding in.

 “Because no matter how much I hurt my daughter, breaking up the only family she’s ever known, is not gonna take back what I did.”

Jim sighs as he walks close with Leonard, catching up as their shoulders brush like old times. How it feels like bittersweet love, like the time he kissed Leonard under the stars, then screamed at him about Jocelyn. 

“But it wasn’t your fault, Bones. I-”

“I’m the one who left her. I was the one who left her! She gave me the choice of staying or leaving, and I left! Of course it was my fault! Fuck Jim you will never understand, you never understood!”

Jim’s eyebrow twitch up in disbelief, his jaw clenched. Taken back by the anger in Leonard’s voice, and everything starts to make sense as they walk and think about everything. Jim’s eyes are like fire and it feels like the world is falling apart around him somehow. And it’s always Jocelyn, it’s always her . All along it was her. Just like that time Leonard placed his hands on Jim’s waist and they swayed there in the dark to soft music, Jim’s lips close to Leonards. How they could stay there for hours, as long as their lips didn’t touch. How it felt out of focus, yet like they saw each other eye to eye. How Jim would do anything Leonard said, as long as he said it with his hands. Those moments all made sense now.

“You still love her.” He says.

Leonard scoffs now and he’s walking faster down the street. Jim walks behind him until they reach an intersection, he grabs Leonards wrist. Its darker now and they can see the way the street lights shine like a dim spotlight.

“Do you?”

Leonard is angry, he wants to leave, wants to get on a plane and fly out of there, wants to melt into the earth.

“Really James? Every single argument we have, always comes back to this .”

“Because I trusted you when you said you didn’t, but everything makes sense now, you’ve been comparing me to her this whole relationship, ever since the cafe.”

“ You were the one who kept the letter from me!”

Jim groans frustrated, he turns towards the neighborhood, watches crows, or pigeons or whatever the fuck they were scatter all over the sky. He can see the stars peek out through the clouds and he’s trying not to wake the neighborhood they didn’t even belong to, with the weekly divorcee special.

“Can’t you see why I kept that letter from you? I knew it would hurt you to see them, and I was right!” Jim screams.

“Its not about whether or not you were right! It was addressed to me ! It was addressed to me !”

Leonard throws the letter at Jim’s chest, bites his lip hard. Breakdown. Fighting. Silence. And it feels like their train is running off its tracks. And Jim is thinking about kissing Leonard’s mouth because all he wants Leonard to do is shut up, and all he wants for them is to be is beautiful and tragic. So maybe kissing his mouth, bringing him back to the hotel like old times would work. When they didn’t care about breaking each other, when loving Leonard felt like a choice . But he can feel that long handwritten note in his pocket and it's addressed to Leonard...

“It's about how you didn’t let me make up my own damn mind, its about how you kept everything from me because of what you wanted!”

“What exactly did I want, Leonard?”

“Me dammit, Me !”

They stand there next to an alleyway, rocks beneath their feet. And its like the whole world stopped moving, no cars drove by, no distant honking just them there, in that moment of pure intensity. And they feel like distant souls standing in front of each other. 

“You didn’t even really love me, did you?”

“Jim-”

“ Fuck, we just keep breaking each other over and over. We can’t keep doing this, we can’t keep breaking each other and pretending like we’re not.”

“We’re not breaking each other!”

“Yes we are!” Jim yells.

Jim shakes his head no, doesn’t hesitate to slip the engagement ring off, he throws it as far as he can. Watches as the glint of the street lamps reflect off of the silver, it lands somewhere in the dirt. He doesn’t care anymore.

“Jim I loved you as best I could, doesn’t mean I loved you any less.”

Jim faces Leonard for a brief moment, nods once, before looking at the moon in the sky. Lit brightly like a nightlight. Because he can’t stand the anger Leonard is making him feel.

“I want you gone, I want you on a plane, I want to never see you again.”

Leonard grips onto Jim’s wrist and he looks at Jim a long time.

“You don’t mean that.” Leonard decides. “You don’t want that.”

Jim chuckles, his hands now swiftly in his jacket pockets. His head is tilted down towards his feet as he kicks against the dirt. He doesn’t look up, just focuses on his shoes. He bites down on his bottom lip, as the overwhelming urge to cry washes over him, his nose stings with that desire, he can’t tell if he's about to cry or not. 

“You’re like quicksand, Leonard.” 

A tear slips down his cheek and he’s drowning out Leonard’s voice, the sound of Leonard asking him to stay just a while longer. Jim shakes his head and uses his phone to call a taxi. 

Chapter Text

The balcony overlooks the city and Leonard can see people laughing, people running, children playing, the way the green grass stands out in all the summer heat. The balcony is grimy, old. In need of renovation, brick crumbling, the railing rusty. But Leonard loves the memories he's had looking down at the neighbourhood during the past year. Although, love was a strong word. He faces the inside of his apartment, he can feel the warm wind against his back, he closes his eyes and hears the turning of a door knob. He doesn't need to open his eyes to know it's Jim who has entered. He's memorized everything about him, he's like one of Leonard's old favourite songs. Like the ones that used to play on the radio in his old pickup truck. He hears him peel off his coat and insert a cassette into the stereo. Track four starts playing and a wide upturned grin forms on Leonards face, he feels a surge of happiness he hasn't felt in awhile. He can feel the atmosphere around them changing, it isn't usually like this.

It's that same tune that Jim loves, the high notes he used to try to replicate. The upbeat exterior, but tragic lyrics. He opens his eyes as he feels Jim's hands latch onto his hips like a steel grip. Jim places a kiss on his forehead, butterflies erupt in his stomach. He reaches his hands up to run along the buttons of Jim's beige dress shirt. He laughs at Jim’s slicked back hair. Jim quirks his lips up as he’s looking down at Leonard joyfully, singing along to the lyrics, trying his hardest to hit the high notes. It made Leonard remember what he used to love about Jim. loves. What he loves about Jim.

“Now you are a sight for sore eyes.” Leonard mumbles, running his hands along Jim’s jaw. 

Jim leans his head down, the tilt of his neck as he brushes his lips up against Leonard’s. He lets out a throaty giggle and kisses his bottom lip pulling away quickly, teasing. Leonard chases his lips, he sighs, as he leans his head forward finding Jim’s lips there again. 

“No fighting today?” Jim asks against Leonard’s open mouth.

Leonard kisses him, nibbles on his bottom lip. Breathes into his open mouth as Jim lets out a sigh, kisses him like a bride. 

“No fighting today.” Leonard replies.

Jim tilts his head up in acknowledgement, his forehead pressed against Leonard’s. 

“You’ve got me in your sights then, sweetheart.” 

Leonard hasn’t heard Jim call him that pet name in a while. He finds himself perfectly fine, with pretending like they haven't been fighting for the past 2 weeks. 

Leonard wraps his arms around Jim’s waist and his arms wrap around his shoulders. 

“Get the curtains.” Jim instructs.

And Leonard nods, his lips tilted upwards from ear to ear for the first time in a while and he feels like maybe this isn’t falling apart. Maybe this is like how it used to be. And soon he’s laying in bed, encased in Jim’s arms. He kisses Leonard’s bare shoulder, hums against the skin there as the stereo plays a different song he doesn’t recognize. He looks at the engagement ring on his left hand and he’s still wondering what song is playing, because he can’t recognize it, but he feels like he is obligated to. 

“I love you.” Jim murmurs and Leonard knows he should say it back but he doesn’t. He’s too damned focused on figuring out the song.

“All we’ve been doing is fighting lately,” Leonard comments. “What's that damn song called?” 

Jim doesn’t answer and Leonard continues to stare at the silver around his finger. Jim’s lips stop just below Leonards ear, Jim sits up against the headboard beside him.

“Is this going to shit?” Leonard asks, still lying there staring at the ring.

“You’ve been thinking of Jo .”

Leonard can feel another fight sprouting, so he just lays there, bare back facing Jim. Relishing the happy feeling of being in Jim's arm just for a little longer. Because he doesn't want to go back to screaming and crying and cursing each other's names. Not yet. But he can feel all the hopes of this going back to how it used to be, fade away. And he feels guilty and sorry and tired.

“Say something.” Jim urges.

Leonard sits up and moves to sit against Jim’s bare chest, his arms hung around his shoulders.

“The song is called ‘The Longest Time’ Billy Joel 1983.” 

“Is this going to shit?” Leonard asks again, questioning the damage they’ve made. And there is a long moment that feels something like a revelation, Leonard is unsure if he should choose to ignore it.

Jim crawls out of the bed, slips on his boxers.

“Usual spot?” 

Jim nods, lifts the extra blanket off of the floor and heads for the couch in the living room.

Chapter Text

“I’m sorry.” 

It's surprising to Leonard, of Jim to apologize like this. But he does. So he just turns on the radio, a James Taylor CD inside. Gets up from his computer and stands there on the tile floor.

“Come here, darling.” 

Jim walks towards Leonard leaving his drafts, his paper, his laptop, his life's work there on the floor. And he holds Jim in his arms as he sways side to side in their small kitchen. Sings softly to Jim, ‘Sweet baby James’ at 2am alone with their changing minds.

“I didn’t mean it, I never mean it.” Jim murmurs his regret into Leonards neck.

“I know.”

“I miss my dad.”

“I know.’

Chapter Text

There they are, in the barren of the woods and Jim stands behind Leonard. His hands wound tight around his waist, he looks up at the sky. The wind blowing down on them, the smell of pine and wood and moss and everything around them.

The sound of Jim’s phone playing James Taylor so quietly in his pocket, and Leonard swears he listened to James Taylor for him. Their first date, Jim laughed, that ‘I never met someone who owned as many James Taylor CD’s as you do’ laugh.

The stars look beautiful in the gap of the tree canopy. And all Leonard can think about is how sweet it is to be loved by a man so wonderful as Jim. he intertwines his fingers with Jims, makes a sound of contentment. He feels safe there in Jim’s arms, how he needed the shelter of someones arms more than ever lately. How this love felt different. How Jim took him to different places, like now as they stand in the forest of the rocky mountains. How Jim was better to him than he ever was to himself. And he blushes under the moonlight as Jim wonders,

“I wonder where I would be right now, if I wasn’t with you.”

“I don’t want to know the answer.” Leonard responds.

And he turns around to kiss Jim’s mouth under the stars.

“I love you.” Leonard utters.

And for the first time those three words don’t feel so scary to him.

Chapter Text

Leonard stood at the edge of the yacht, leaning against the railing and he’s throwing some pebbles he found on land out to the ocean. Watching as they ripple, attempting to skip them far out as the boat moves. It smells like salt, the ocean, champagne and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. 

He’s concentrated on the way each rock skips off the water, how the water wrinkles under each pebble he throws, wonders what’s way under.

Jim stands there beside him, watching him skip rocks, the sunset beautiful in front of them as the music plays softly around them. Its like a scene out of a Shakespearen play, as he admires the prince in front of him. Fairy lights are hung everywhere around them, their friends are chatting, laughing, dancing around them. The whole place is dressed to the nines and everyone is dancing like they’ve never danced before. Like they’re seventeen crazy running wild again, at a yacht club party. He leans his head against Leonard’s shoulder.

“Bobby asked if you wanted more champagne.” 

Leonard shakes his head.

“Later.” 

Jim responds with a slow bob of his head and they both admire the sun as it lowers across the horizon, like a sinking ship into the ocean.

“Isn’t it marvelous?”

“What? The sun?”

“No, everything. The music, the ocean, the sun .”

“The alcohol.” Leonard jokes.

Jim playfully smacks his arm.

“I don’t think I ever saw you dance like that before.” Jim whispers.

He stands there in awe next to Leonard, of how vibrant he can be sometimes. He can be the sun, the center of the party, a mirrorball almost.

“I don’t think I ever saw you that happy before, you make me so happy.” 

He’s smiling from ear remembering Leonard dancing to the music just a few minutes ago. His arms up in the air, his head thrown back, that look on his face like he’s never seen before. Like he doesn’t care who sees him, like a popstar or a model not afraid to strut their stuff. The peace that washed over his features in that moment, the way his heart fluttered watching him dance to ABBA. Imagining him dancing just like that at their wedding. 

“What about marrying me.” Jim asks.

He can feel Leonard tense up underneath him, it catches him off guard.

“Why are you bringing this up now?” Leonard inquires, he turns to face Jim. “I thought we weren’t gonna talk about this.”

Jim admires the man he feels so deeply about in front of him for a moment, he takes his hands into his own as Leonard drops the pebbles from his hands gently. 

“I have a ring.” He reveals.“We just danced like we’ve never danced before, you were like...made of starlight or something. And I wasn’t going to do this now, but watching you move like that... God it made me remember that night in the refrigerator light.”

Leonard bites back a blush and he looks towards the ocean again, Jim can tell he’s nervous. He told Jim about Jocelyn, Joanna. He understands everything about him, how he’s promised to never hurt him like she did. So he stands there, waiting patiently for an answer as Uptown Girl plays on the radio.

“What if...what if this doesn’t work out.”

Jim shakes his head, he bites his lip hard , lets out a frustrated laugh. He wonders why he tried. Wonders why he’s mad in the first place, when he promised to never get mad at Leonard over this .

“You’re gonna spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way.” Jim says.

And he pushes himself off the railing towards the champagne table, he picks up a drink and swings it back fast hoping for a stronger effect. Leonard takes a deep breath and heads towards Jim. Jim doesn’t look at his face for a while, looks down at the drink in his left hand. Leonard moves his hand to cup Jim’s face, he compares Jim to a marble statue in his mind. Smooth skin, pale, never moving quite naturally. Jim hated the comparison, he felt more like the sand at the bottom of an hourglass.

“You know I love you.” Leonard reminds, softly.

It feels insincere for a moment, but he looks into Leonards brown eyes that reflect off the lights around him. He doesn’t know if he sees a sincere response, or if he’s saying what he wants Jim to hear.

“So then marry me.” Jim pleads “Lets have ten kids and teach them how to dream.”

Leonard lets out a ‘ha’ this time as Jim puts his drink down and leads them to the dance floor. Its like second nature to them, slow dancing, it always had been. So when they step under the string lights and Leonard takes his hand it feels like an old habit. And some familiar Billy Joel song Jim doesn’t recognize plays overhead and it feels dumb and like he’s overreacting.

“Now you’re talking crazy.” 

Jim nods like its the most obvious thing, as Leonard leans his head against his chest and they sway there to the soft music. Leonards arms wrapped loosely around his neck, his wrapped around Leonard’s waist tightly. Jim places a kiss into Leonard’s hair.

“We’re definitely playing Red at our Wedding.” Jim decides, no room for debate.

Leonard hums this time, looking up into Jims eyes. And Jim swears if he wasn’t surrounded by some of his closest friends he would kiss his mouth like he’s always wanted to right there. The way Leonards brown eyes sparkle like starlight.

“Hmm, yea but only the upbeat ones, no crying.”

“Okay deal, no sad songs.”

Chapter Text

Leonard never lived with anyone as creative as Jim. Jocelyn was more of a clean freak, she studied law throughout their time together. She kept everything neat and sorted, it wasn’t boring, she was never boring...just not as free spirited as Jim, not as carefree as Jim. She’d stay up all night with a stack of papers in front of her, presumably her notes, and didn’t stop until she understood everything. He’d occasionally offer her a cup of coffee if he was awake, or dance with her to the radio, insisting she needed a break and needed to get her muscles moving. ‘Doctors remedy.’ But she was not as creative as Jim is, she was skilled, smart, passionate..but never creative.

But Jim...Jim loves to write and he loves to talk about writing. He’ll sit down at the table for breakfast and tell Leonard about a new piece of writing he wants to work on. He’ll tell him about the plot, about the planning. He loves to plan and write drafts a lot. Jim likes to write on his drafts. He likes to print them out, lay them all over the hardwood floor, scribble all over them. Like some kind of mad professor planning out a scientific experiment. Leonard was not expecting this when Jim moved in with him, he expected piles of laundry, toothpaste gobs in the sink. Instead, he got papers all over the floors and walls, pens and pencils everywhere, including in between the bed sheets and in the shower. but he adjusted accordingly and said nothing, he was quite fond of the passion and patience Jim had for writing.

So as Leonard enters the kitchen around 3am, he isn’t surprised that Jim is working on the floor. There are papers laid out all over, some on the kitchen cabinets too. It's dark in their apartment and Jim is sitting in the middle of the kitchen, two pens tucked behind his ears and a pencil between his teeth. His feet are crossed in front of him and he slumps to look over his writing. The only light source in the entire kitchen that is on, is the light seeping from the open fridge. The fridge beeps and beeps, alerting them that it is open, but neither of them care because he is there working on what he likes to call ‘his baby.’

‘This book is my baby.’ he’d say with that look of devotion in his eyes, like a fire Leonard has grown quite enthusiastic about too. 

Jim’s hair is matted and messy as he scribbles on a piece of paper, presumably very concentrated. His brows are furrowed and Leonard laughs in awe at the sight in front of him. His kitchen, covered in pages of what could become a novel. Jim doesn’t say anything as Leonard stands beside him, watching him work.

“When did you get up?” Leonard asks

“1 am.” Jim mumbles vaguely. 

“Is that why there's a note on our door with a joke we made from like last week?” 

Jim nods and waves his hand at Leonard like he wants him to go away.

“The joke inspired me, it's all in the process.”

Leonard leans down to tap Jim repeatedly on the shoulder like a bored child.

“Get up. Doctors remedy.”

Jim whines like a toddler, as Leonard steps over some slips off paper with his bare feet towards the stereo.

“I’m not going to bed, Bones. I’ll forget my ideas.”

Leonard rolls his eyes and he puts a cassette into the stereo, he selects Track five. He turns the volume up loud, but not loud enough to wake the neighbors. He turns towards Jim, he starts bouncing a little bit as Jim stands up. Jim rolls his eyes, but lets out a breath that sounds somewhat like a chuckle.

“What are you doing?” Jim questions.

Leonard shakes his head and then he’s spinning like a girl in a brand new dress right there in the kitchen. 

“What does it look like, I’m dancing.” Leonard screams over the music, as he grabs Jim’s hands. “If you’re not gonna go to sleep, at least take a break and dance with me. Get your muscles moving.”

And Leonard give’s Jim those sad puppy dog eyes that get Jim every damn time.

“That is so unlike you.” 

But he doesn’t argue as he starts to bounce on his feet along with Leonard, he finds himself singing along and soon enough they are screaming the lyrics and dancing right there in the refrigerator light. The excitement on Jim’s face makes Leonard feel at home, he lets out a cackle and spins Jim around him effortlessly. He thinks about how ridiculous Jim looks dancing, his long arms and legs uncoordinated. But that's what he loves about Jim. And for the first time it feels like he has something to lose, and that comforts him somehow. 

Jim reaches over for a second and he turns the stereo down low, Leonard looks up at Jim confused. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Will you read some of my work?” 

Leonard bobs his head and he feels honoured Jim would let him read something that means so much to him. Because he never has before. Jim bends overs, picks up a few pages and hands them to Leonard. Stacked in order, covered in red pen. Jim leans against the marble kitchen island, he’s got his thumb in his mouth, chewing on his nail. He’s watching Leonard carefully as he props himself on top of the counter beside the fridge. He’s letting the fridge light reflect off the pages in front of him.

Leonard reads the pages carefully not missing anything. And its romantic and poetic and colorful and he feels like he’s reading a four page love letter. He wants more, its like that yearning feeling deep in his gut, because it made him feel things. And he wonders why Jim had ever been complaining about how bad his writing was all those weeks ago. He looks up at Jim who’s patiently waiting, he looks down again at the pages. 

“This is about us.” 

“It's inspired by us.”

Leonard hands him the pages and walks past Jim. He heads towards the other pages and picks a few up, standing there in the shadows as the sun starts to come up. He is so touched by every word Jim has written because it's beautiful and genuine. He despises Jim for making him feel so much with something as simple as a page of writing. Its like each word is something that ties them together, like every word he used to tie himself to Leonard.

He doesn’t have a clue, doesn’t have a clue about what to say because his words feel so insignificant to him now.

“You fit all of my work like a perfect rhyme.”

Leonard’s mouth twitches up into a twinkling smile and it feels like they have that big wide city all to themselves. Nobody has ever made him feel like this before, nobody has honoured him like this. And Leonard sees every part of Jim in those very pages, the writing is so pure, so genuine, it makes him feel like breaking. And it feels like he’s standing on some kind of...holy ground.

“This is the best thing I’ve ever read in my life.” Leonard says. “ I’m your muse.” 

Jim blushes and nods as he closes the refrigerator, he strides towards Leonard and pulls him into a bruising kiss. And lorde it took him away, that feeling like being on new york time, or on a plane headed to Canada. Leonard giggles against Jim’s open mouth, his hands tight on his shirt. 

“You are my muse.” 

And it makes him feel like the most important man in the world, it's different compared to her but its everything he thinks he wanted.

Chapter Text

Leonard sits at a table in the corner of a small cafe, next to a window. He can see people riding bikes with small baskets down the street, people walking out with their coffee. The air blowing their hair, it rains slightly, but what do you expect in London. He tugs at his plaid shirt, afraid he is underdressed, plugs his earbuds into his cassette walkman. Listens to that song she never understood, said ‘I never got that song.’ he turns his volume down slightly. Listens to the people around him talk in these british accents he wish he had, laughs about his western side. A cowboy in east London. He shrugs off his raincoat.

He leans his face in the palm of his hands as he waits patiently for his date. Its a quiet atmosphere, chatter around him, the sound of coffee being made. The spray of foam and whipped cream. He takes a slow sip of his latte and he watches a blonde man walk in and order a drink. And soon enough, the man turns around and he’s walking over to his table with a paper cup in his hand. He is surprised by the blonde hair stuck up by gel, the blue eyes that almost look grey in the light of that cafe. He sticks out his hand to Leonard, smiles politely and Leonard takes his hand standing out of his chair.

“Hey Bones, can I call you Bones ?”

Leonard nods, tries not to be intimidated by how tall the man in front of him is.

“Its James, or Jim. so good to finally meet you in person.”

“You’re not british.” Leonard observes, noticing the lack of an accent.

James says ‘yup’ with the pop of the p and Leonard goes to sit down, he doesn’t have time to notice Jim tucking his chair in and he blushes at the action. Wonders if Jim knows how nice that really is, because she never did that for him.

“Is that a problem, cowboy?” Jim teases.

Leonard shakes his head as he sits in front of him.

“No, not at all.”

Jim takes Leonard’s hand in his, brings his hand close to his lips placing a kiss on his knuckles. Laughs at Leonard’s reaction, the blush on his face.

“I must say, you are very handsome.” 

Leonard laughs nervously.

“Thank you.”

“So you’re from Georgia?”

“How’d you know?”

“My uncle is from there, recognize the accent.”

Leonard pulls out his earbuds.

“Lucky guess.”

James chuckles and takes a nonchalant drink of coffee, he seems to have been carrying a briefcase along with him that Leonard didn’t notice before. He doesn’t have a chance to ask as James becomes interested in another topic and after a while they’re chatting and laughing up a storm. Bringing up old conversations from emails and text messages to each other, and Leonard feels odd that this is what love might become. Sitting in a cafe on Wednesday when he thought all love did was end, but maybe he was wrong. He wasn’t quite sure yet.

“Mint julep, never had one.” Jim presses.

And Leonard can’t help himself, he tells Jim about the time he had the best mint julep. Laying on a lawn chair, drink in hand, the warm sun on his skin, the freshest mint julep he ever tasted. One vacation with Jocelyn, he listens carefully to Leonard and once he’s done he asks,

“ Who’s Jocelyn ?”

Leonard goes silent and looks down at his coffee, right . He regrets bringing up the story, but Jim doesn’t press further as Leonard apologizes under his breath. Jim spots the walkman, pics it up interested.

“What are you listening to?”

Leonard doesn’t know how to answer, because nobody has been interested in his music taste before. He freezes but James waits patiently.

“Its uh…James Taylor, 1977.”

James nods.

“You’ll have to recommend me some more of his stuff then...James Taylor I mean.”

“Got a box of James Taylor cassettes in my car if you want to borrow one?”

“Sure, walk me there.”

Leonard gets up nervously, he slips on his coat and they slowly head towards the door. The rain has turned to a drizzle now and as they walk down the street their hands brush. Its this new kind of feeling Leonard knows all too well, the first few stages of romance. And as Jim’s pinky twitches against his hand, he intertwines his fingers with his. He can’t hide the toothy grin that makes its way onto his face, to be fair neither can James.

“Why are you in London?” Jim asks as they stroll down the wet brick sidewalk.

Its hazy and wet and grey. But Leonard loves that about London, and he finds himself avoiding the puddles on the sidewalk.

“I’m a neurosurgeon.” Leonard responds, not fast enough, concentrating on avoiding the puddles as they swing their arms together.

Jim hums.

“A neurosurgeon, very impressive.”

Leonard’s face goes red, he looks away but asks the same question offered to him. Jim doesn’t hesitate to respond as he squeezes Leonard’s hand and turns the corner.

“I’m a writer, I’m trying to find inspiration here, well that and an office job.”

They slow down as they approach Leonards small black volkswagen, covered in wet droplets of rain. Jim leans against the car, his elbow propped on the roof.

“What genre do you write?”

“Romance.” 

There is a pause and Leonard looks into Jims eyes, admiring the supposed talent of the man in front of him. Wondering exactly what Jim has to offer in the form of a novel, if his words would form this kind of travesty of poetic words, or pure and honest and romantic. And he almost brings her up as James is looking into the windows of his car but Jim interrupts his thoughts.

“Those cassettes.”

“Right.”

Leonard unlocks the car door, reaches in, grabs a small shoebox full of his favourite cassettes and hands it to Jim. He reaches his hands in, exploring the box, shifting each cassette to different places, turning them over and inspecting them.

“I never met one man who had as many James Taylor cassettes as you do.” Jim teases almost.

“Yea well, I do.”

He notices Jim reading a particular one, his interest peaked. 1968, one of his favourites.

“You can borrow that one if you’d like.” Leonard suggests. 

And Jim’s eyes light up at that.

“Okay Bones, I will,” He hands Leonard the box, watching him put it into the passenger seat. “Can I tell you something?”

Leonard nods, eager to listen to the man in front of him and the stories he offered.

“You know, me and my family, my mom, used to put old country CDS on every Christmas, we’d play board games by the fire. My uncle would come up and he’d put on this stupid album by Taylor, I think you’d like it.”

“Yea? Which album?” Leonard presses.

Jim smiles ear to ear as he leans his back against the car, looking at Leonard like a child on Christmas.

“Its called Red .”

Leonard lets out a ‘hmm’ in response, interested in the recommendation.

“Trading music recommendations I see.” Leonard muses.

“Well, we’ll just have to let each other know what we think next time.”

And Leonard is shocked almost by the fact that James wants a second date, that he doesn’t find him boring, or bland, or rude. In fact he finds him funny, likeable, and interesting and so he grins. Nods eagerly. Because she didn’t like James Taylor, or country Music, or singing along to the radio. But he has this awful annoying feeling in his stomach as he imagines Jim beside him in his old pickup truck singing along to Sweet Baby James.

“Yea, next time.”

And Jim kisses Leonard's cheek and he watches as Jim walks further down the street to his car, he is left with this bittersweet feeling in his stomach. And he’s scared and happy and excited again. And he never expected for this to begin on a Wednesday in a cafe, but he watched some form of hopefully... love... begin again, there in that small coffee shop.

So...did you find that casette I left in your nightstand... under those magazines I gave you last year?