Archive of Our Own

Todd first saw him while he was stacking cereal boxes. Despite the near decade and a half that had passed, something out of the corner of his eye called to his attention. There, past the rows of Cheerios, Corn Flakes and Raisin Bran, Todd found himself catching sight of a man he had convinced himself had been a figment of his imagination.

The world seemed to stop. While he was stuck standing in one spot, a hand holding a box and another reaching for the next carton, Todd felt like the air had been sucked clean from the aisle. The inoffensive pop music above seemed to fade away, the idle chatter of customers went mute. All Todd could do was stand and stare as the man walked past the soda endcap and disappeared from view.

It might not be him. It had been years. It could be anyone else.

But his heart was hammering in a sickening way that Todd knew in his bones it couldn't be anyone else. Nausea rushed through him and bile burned the back of his throat. The rush of adrenaline that started at the base of his neck and flooded his veins down to his toes let him know that his immediate thought had been the right one. It was him. It was absolutely him.

A coworker nudged Todd's shoulder as he walked past with several cartons of Raisin Bran. The knock had him shaking his head and pulling out of his reverie.

'You alright there, man?'

With a small huff of confusion, Todd tucked one of the boxes under his arm. 'Hey- I just... wait, I'll be- sorry, excuse me- '

One step, two step, three, he found himself hurrying down the length of the aisle. His hip collided with a shopping cart, and he threw an apology over his shoulder to the woman as he raced past. A side step had him passing between another pair of customers. When he emerged at the end of the aisle, the boxes of cereal slightly crushed beneath his fingers, Todd skidded a few inches.

He looked left. He looked right.

Nobody.

It was just like him to disappear into the ether like that. But Todd knew it had been him. Johnny was back.

*

In the months following Nny's disappearance, Todd had begun to wonder if he'd made up so many of the circumstances surrounding his former neighbour. The time in the mental health clinic had messed with his head a little (as had the large, but thankfully benign, growth that had sat atop his head and effected his dreams). The doctors, his parents, even his classmates and teachers had eventually convinced him that his stories had been nothing but a twist of lies and fantasies, and that the eccentric man who had once been next door hadn't been nearly as bad as he'd insisted.

Todd had believed that. He'd forced himself to believe that. It made everything, if not easier, then at least a little more palatable.

And, for some time, he'd been able to go on in that manner. That was until the land the house sat upon had been bought and the building had been demolished. Beneath the rundown house was an expansive basement, a cavern that yawned into the earth. Todd had stood on the edge of the yard, fingers curled around the chain link safety fence, and stared into the pit at the self-constructed pit that Johnny had built. Some of the underground tunnels had caved in, and Todd wondered if they would ever be explored.

A new house was eventually built and it was sold to a young couple from Boston.

*

Over the coming days and weeks, Todd kept an eye on the news headlines. He wasn't sure why he did. The purported crimes he recalled Johnny committing when he was a child had never particularly made a splash in the news at the time, unless it was a mass killing at a local fast food restaurant. Even then, there would be some jab about the service or food itself being so awful as to compel someone into a murderous rage and not an actual report on the killing itself. It had bewildered Todd as a child, but now it merely gave him a headache of disappointment to think about.

As he'd expected, there was no uptick in reported newspapers in the media, but he knew from experience that didn't mean that wasn't the case. He spent longer eyeballing suspicious dark puddles on footpaths and listened at night for shrieks or yelps or cries for help. Every night, he'd double check the locks on his apartment door and windows. He wasn't sure what he was fearful of the most. Johnny had never hurt him as a child, even if he could rationalise he was a maniac. Maybe he was more scared that his nightmares as a boy had been real.

It lingered in the back of his mind, though, a worry that simply wouldn't quit like so many other anxieties that plagued him throughout his life. Todd found himself standing at the mouth of the aisles he worked in, turning his head left and right then left again just in case he saw a shadow of the man he had once known.

He was always a little disappointed to not find Johnny standing there and waiting for him.

*

Todd had moved into an apartment with Pepito three months after high school graduation. It was nicer than something he could afford on his own, though Pepito was more often than not at home. He had been accepted into college as an early admission and had finished his Bachelor's early. He got into med school and was specialising in infectious diseases.

'I thought someone of your... paternity would have gone into law. Politics,' Todd said over dinner one night. They had ordered pad thai and his eyes were watering.

'Trust me, Todd,' Pepito had said, leaning over the table and pointing with his chopsticks. 'In ten years, the most powerful person in this country is going to be a doctor. Who needs politics when you can hold the health of an entire nation in your fist.'

They never discussed Pepito's father. Todd sometimes wondered why he was allowed to live out of home. He also sometimes wondered where and when he attended school, as Todd could never quite figure that out.

Tonight Pepito was home. Todd couldn't immediately recall when he'd last spent more than one night in the apartment, but he thought it was a month ago.

'I saw Johnny,' he said over a bowl of steaming rice.

'Who?'

'My neighbour. From when I was a kid,' he clarified. Pepito never forgot anything; he was only being difficult.

'Ahh. Yes, I think I remember.'

'He was the one who...' Todd gestured with his knife and pretended to stab at the air.

Pepito nodded. 'I believe my dad met him once.'

'Yeah, that makes sense.'

Todd didn't know why he was trying to explain this all to Pepito. Although he had made a few references to his old neighbour over the years, Johnny had been someone he had kept incredibly close to his chest. The doctors at the medical facility had attempted to persuade him that it was nothing but a creation of an overactive imagination. All that had done was succeed in making him mute on the topic. That, he supposed, was close enough to their goal.

Although he generally trusted Pepito on believing him, mentioning Johnny when he was a boy had been nigh on impossible after he'd been released from the hospital. Now, as an adult (or, at least, someone who was legally considered an adult), he still found it difficult to let the words fill his mouth and come out. He'd been taught to keep it inside, to keep it all hidden. Letting the words come out seemed wrong.

He sat there in silence, sucking on the end of his spoon as his mind churned over it all. As much as he wanted to believe he had options, he truly couldn't see any on his horizon. As far as he was aware, Nny had an ability to stay hidden when he wanted to. The fact he'd even caught a glimpse of him was a wonder in of itself.

'Will you say hello if you see him again?'

With the spoon still in his mouth, Todd froze. His eyes grew wide as he kept his gaze fixed on his plate in front of him. He didn't know what he'd do; he couldn't even fathom what would happen if he saw Johnny and went to approach him. The man had cast a shadow over his childhood but had also, strangely, peculiarly, wondrously, had protected him from some of the worst parts. Although Johnny had never directly interfered with his life, sometimes he would take to shutting his eyes and imagining his strange neighbour when his parents were at their worse and he would find his resolve and courage grow.

'You'd say hello to him,' Pepito said decisively when Todd failed to reply.

Todd shrugged and took another mouthful of his food. He didn't want to confirm the assumption.

*

Nny didn't turn back up at the supermarket. Todd had taken to standing in the cereal aisle, stocking box after box as though that might will him to appear again. If he moved to another part of the aisle, such as the muesli bars or long-life milk he might miss him. The cereal aisle was safe because that was where he'd seen Johnny.

Eventually, though, he had to accept that he was unlikely to encounter him again within the store. The first time- the only time- felt like happenstance. An accident.

But there were clues. Todd begun to notice them, mostly because he had begun looking for them.

Street sweepers staring at dark patches on the ground and calling for more bleach.

Staff at cafes mopping the same area over and over and smearing red over tiles.

A human finger in the middle of the park Todd walked through on the way to work. He picked it up, turned it over, and as he studied it it was as though his brain finally caught up to what he was doing and he shrieked, lobbing it into the distance. Before it even landed in the grass a bird swooped down to catch it and carry it off, likely to its ravenous chicks.

Although he wanted to panic, Todd did have to admit a sense of familiarity had begun to return. A steadiness and calmness that resonated from his childhood. As strange as all of this was, he knew what to expect, if only a little bit.

While the little clues had sated Todd's curiosity somewhat, though, he still didn't expect to see Johnny again. He could hope and wish all he liked, but a part of his mind had begun to believe it wasn't going to happen. Surely, he found himself reasoning, if he was going to see him again it would have happened by now.

Perhaps that was why it was such a shock when he turned away from the counter after placing his order at the local fast food chicken shop to see Nny sitting at a booth. He was hunched over a tray, his slim fingers wrapped around a burger.

Todd stared. He knew it was rude to stare, but time seemed to have stopped and his mind had stopped working. Johnny took a bite. Todd couldn't move.

He hadn't been noticed. Somehow disappointment filled him. He had thought that he'd be noticed immediately. Pepito had presumed that he'd say hello if he saw him again, but Todd hadn't been able to reply in part because he assumed Johnny would say first. He'd been the one to slip into his room at night, after all, he'd been the one to make the first introduction. It stood to reason that that would continue now, even though all that time had passed. Todd shouldn't be the one standing here, helpless and hapless and unable to so much as formulate an idea as to what to do.

'Sir?' came a voice beside him. 'Your food, sir?'

Turning and stumbling, Todd looked at the bag being offered out by the cashier. Snatching it away, the smell of grease and salt wafting towards him, he stepped out of the line and felt the next person shove against his shoulder. It meant nothing to him right then.

Turn. Walk out. Leave. That's what he should do.

That's exactly what he should do.

And yet as Todd stood there, trying to will his feet to move, he also found himself silently willing Johnny to look up. To see him, to acknowledge him in some way so Todd wouldn't be the first to move.

Nothing. Johnny just took another bite of his meal and stared at the back of the head of the person in the booth in front of him.

Taking two uncertain steps forward, Todd rolled the top of the paper bag up in his hand, feeling the paper crease and fold, and looked over his shoulder. The path to the front door was free.

Go. Go.

Todd forced his legs to move, but instead of leaving he found himself walking towards Nny. Holding the paper bag in front of him, as though it could possibly protect him, he stood by the table. He waited, saw Johnny's eyes slide to the side to eye his hips, and then back to his meal. Todd cleared his throat, paused, and watched as Johnny closed his eyes and sighed.

'Hello.'

At that moment, Todd hated Pepito. He'd been right. He'd been the one to say hello first.

In front of him, Johnny slowly lifted his head. His eyes trailed up, starting from Todd's hips, over his stomach and chest and slowly came to rest on his face. There was a faint suggestion of recollection on his expression, but a furrowing over his brow revealed he wasn't quite sure where he knew Todd from.

'Hello,' Todd repeated.

'Yes?'

There was a slight hiss from Nny. With an audibly click of his throat, Todd scratched behind his ear and lowered the bag a little to his side in a gesture he hoped seemed nonthreatening- as though, hysterically, he could ever be a threat.

'It's me,' he said. Then, to clarify, 'Todd. Your old neighbour?'

Another appraising, confused look crossed Johnny's face. His eyes raked over him again, then he slowly sat back in his seat, an arm coming to rest on the table.

'Squee?'

Nobody had called him that in years. Even Pepito, who had been the only other person to use it with any regularity, had stopped calling him by that nickname when they were teenagers. Johnny, though, didn't know that.

'Ye- yeah.'

'No, you're not.

'I am.'

With another appraising look, he seemed to finally concede a little.

'You got... long.' Johnny waved his fingers at him, pawing at the air between them. 'Tall.'

'I grew up.'

'That's one way of putting it, I guess.'

Seeing as he hadn't yet been attacked, verbally or physically, Todd decided to take it upon himself and slide into the booth opposite him. The paper bag was set on top of the table, his hands clasped in front of him.

'Weren't you... six? Seven? Y'know...' Nny waved a hand at table height.

'I grew up.'

'How old're you now?'

'My ID says twenty-one.' It didn't matter if the ID was accurate or not. It let him buy booze, and God knew there were days when he needed a beer or two to get through the day. He tried to find something else to say. 'I saw you at work. My work. I saw you walk through.'

Johnny fixed him with an even, level stare and it was only then that Todd dared to meet his eye. He looked strangely older, but not like he'd aged. It was more like the appearance of someone who had been terribly ill or been through a lot of stress, and had been kept inside for several weeks; lines had been etched out on his face, as did a few scars that Todd was sure hadn't been there before. His hair was still clipped short at the sides, with several long locks falling in front of his face. Along his left temple were a series of thicker, larger scars where his hair didn't grow. Todd couldn't tell if it was due to the scar tissue or if Nny had deliberately shaved it off.

'You had that asshole bear, right? Whatever happened to that little shit?'

Shmee.

Todd reached over to the paper bag, unrolled the top and pulled out the chicken nuggets he had ordered. If he kept his hands busy and his eyes down, he almost felt like he was a boy again.

'I still have him,' he said. 'But these days he tends to prefer staying inside my closet.'

Or, more accurately, hidden in an old pillow case that had been knotted and stuffed inside a suitcase so he couldn't escape. It felt safer in the long run. Something that housed nightmares didn't feel like an object that should be kept just anywhere.

'And your dad? How's he?'

'Why are you here?' Todd interrupted. He had the box of chicken nuggets open and was peeling the skin off one. 'Why are you back?'

The question seemed to stun Nny. He paused, a french fry between his fingers, and took a moment to collect himself.

'I lost something. I left something behind,' he said.

Todd had the distinct impression that there was more he wanted to say but was holding back. Licking the salt from his thumb, he looked up at him through his lashes and waited. The seconds dragged out between them, long and slow.

'Everyone returns home eventually,' Johnny finally said.

That felt like enough. Todd took the box of chicken nuggets, clasped the lid on top and set it back into the bag. He could feel Nny's eyes on him the whole while. It was somewhat intimidating but, much as when he was a child, he had a peculiar sense of comfort. The box of chicken nuggets was put back in the bag and he rolled it up. He went to stand and Nny slapped his hand on the table.

'Where do you work? You said you saw me. Where?'

'The Supa-Mart. I stock shelves.'

'Oh.'

Todd half expected Johnny to question him as to why he hadn't gone to college, why he wasn't working somewhere else. A few people did, it was common. Some even called him a disappointment. He didn't care. He had his reasons.

As Nny nodded, Todd slid out of the booth and hurried off. He needed time to think. To breathe. To calm his racing heart.

*

Pepito was out of town again. Todd was accustomed to coming home to a silent apartment. He never questioned how his childhood friend had gotten into med school early, nor did he ask where he disappeared off to without warning. His half of the rent was paid on time, his half of the bills were paid, and it meant the leftover pizza was never touched. Sure, Todd did get lonely, and he still had a piercing fear of the dark, but there was a sense of familiarity about it now.

He found himself standing with his closet door open. At the back, surrounded by piles of weathered sneakers and a few winter sweaters that had been balled up and tossed in the back was the old pillowcase, the top still tied up to keep Shmee inside. Even from where he stood, several feet back, he could feel the energy wafting from the pillowcase, sour and curdled from years of nightmares. Shmee had become his only solace, his only source of comfort in the years after Johnny's departure.

Reaching into the wardrobe, Todd found his hand hovering over the pillowcase. He could feel Shmee calling for him, demanding his attention, his release from the cotton prison. It would be so simple, so easy to take him out, to free him and all the nightmares that had been hidden away inside. Johnny's return surely dictated a return for Shmee, too; and, with it, a return to his old ways.

It had been an uphill battle to gain any modicum of control over his anxieties. Panic still plagued him, but moving out of home, establishing his own identity had helped. His job didn't pay well, and he had never even considered further education once he'd left school, but he at least held some confidence within himself.

He drew his hand back, closed the door, and decided to go reheat some pizza. The idea of holding onto Shmee was one of comfort, but he didn't need to open that up again.

*

Boxes of Froot Loops surrounded Todd. Standing on the step ladder, he slid several boxes down the shelf, keeping them neat and straight. Around him, he could hear children screeching and mothers alternating between shushing their children or screeching loud in return. Todd tried his best to ignore them.

As he went to grab more cartons of cereal, he felt someone staring at him. The hair on the back of his neck prickled and a familiar wave of anticipation from his childhood washed over him. Straightening up, he turned to look over his shoulder, and before he even saw him Todd knew it was Johnny.

He stood at the end of the aisle, clutching a box of frozen waffles. His long, slim fingers dug into the cardboard, bending and warping it. A small puncture had been formed in the blue packaging. Quietly, Todd moved off the ladder, set the cartons of cereal aside and walked slowly up to him.

'Hello.'

Johnny stared at him, wide-eyed and unblinking, before he looked down at the waffles he was holding and held it out.

'Do you have these in the white box?'

'You'd need to ask the staff in the frozen foods section. I don't know.'

He knew he shouldn't speak like that to a customer and he could get in trouble if his boss overheard. This was Johnny, though, and Todd didn't feel so fearful.

'Oh,' Nny replied. He looked down at the box, then back up at Todd. 'These will do, then. What time do you get off work?'

It wasn't until later in the afternoon, and Todd explained as such. There was a faint, somewhat uneasy expression on Johnny's face, and it dawned on him that no matter how much calmer he seemed, no matter how his frantic and frenetic behaviour had been controlled, he was still struggling with typical human behaviour. It was almost endearing.

'Did you want to share these with me?' Johnny asked, shaking the box.

'When?' Todd asked.

'Tonight? When you get off work?'

Although he knew he ought to take some time to consider it, or even flat out deny the offer, Todd found himself accepting almost immediately. It would make a change from leftover takeout.

'I'd like that.'

Before he could ask where they would meet or if he even had a phone on which Todd could call, Johnny swivelled on the ball of his foot and walked away.

*

It was dark when Todd got home, the late fall sun having set some hours ago. The apartment complex had descended into the muffled, unhappy din that it so typically did. People yelling, children screaming, various animals whining and howling even though pets weren't permitted. Todd had long ago learned to block it out, though he often found himself wondering what the apartment would sound like if Johnny had continued to prowl the streets.

Probably much the same, he had decided. It wasn't like sharing a building with the literal Antichrist had done much.

His key slid into the latch as usual and it opened with its telltale creak. However, the moment he flicked on the light switch, Todd could tell something was wrong. There was nothing immediately obvious. No furniture had been flipped over, there was no overt damage to the television set. The refrigerator hummed in the kitchen and the mildew in the corner continued to loom ominously. But Todd knew, the way he had always known, that something different was in the apartment. He set his bag down by the front door, his keys tossed onto the credenza that had been a housewarming gift from Pepito's mother.

It wasn't Pepito. The apartment always felt faintly acrid and not unlike the high school science lab when he was home.

As though pulled by some outside force, Todd made his way across the apartment and towards his bedroom. Although he'd been expecting it, he was still a little surprised to see his bedroom window smashed, if only because he lived thirteen floors up (fourteen, according to the superstition-driven lore of apartment living).

Behind him, down the hall, he heard rummaging from the bathroom. Todd turned and headed to the source of the noise.

Unlike their first meeting, Nny had already found the antiseptic. A bandage was already wrapped around his bleeding hand. He fumbled with peeling the plastic off a Band-Aid, and Todd took it upon himself to step over and help him. Plucking the Band-Aid from him, he delicately peeled the backing off it and wrapped it around Nny's sliced finger. Although he did his best to avoid touching him, remaining a little uncertain as to how he'd respond to direct contact, his fingers did brush over the back of Johnny's hand. His eyes darted up, but Nny's own gaze remained locked on Todd's handiwork.

'Thank you,' he mumbled. He at least had the decency to sound appreciative.

Beside him stood the box of defrosting waffles, the box slightly splattered with blood. It wasn't clear if they had been refrigerated since they'd spoken at the store, but it likely didn't matter. Not with the amount of preservatives in them, at any rate.

'You could have knocked on the front door. I'd have let you in.'

'I wanted to surprise you,' Johnny muttered. He waited a breath, then glanced up uncertainly. 'Did I?'

Todd shrugged. He wished he could say he was surprised, but very little did these days.

With Johnny patched up, Todd collected the box of waffles and made his leave. The rest of the blood, whether it was Johnny's or someone else's, could be left to him to clean up.

The toaster was on the fritz and only Pepito could get the oven to work. Todd briefly considered microwaving the waffles, but decided against it. Cold was better than somewhat soggy. He found half a jar of strawberry jelly in the cupboard and a jar of Nutella that had a few spoonfuls eaten from it. Nny emerged as he pulled a pair of plates out and set them on the small table. He went straight to the fridge, opened it up and stared inside.

'Half a leftover pizza, two eggs, a tub of butter and... is that old Chinese?'

Todd peered over his shoulder. 'Thai.'

Nny shut the door. 'You should eat some vegetables.'

'In case you haven't noticed, we live in a food desert.'

'You work in a supermarket.'

'Yeah, with the smallest produce section in a twenty mile radius. I've seen the quality of the food that arrives. Come, sit.'

It was bizarre to talk so freely with Johnny, when as a child he had been so tongue tied. Yet here he was, sitting with him at his kitchen table, sharing some reflection of a meal with him. It was somewhat uneasy, but mostly, Todd felt, due to the years separating them. The fact Johnny had broken in and was covered in what could likely be someone else's blood actually made the situation more comfortable. That, at least, was familiar. He had even given Johnny a knife, and he was proceeding to slice and stab at the cold waffles.

'You live here with someone.'

It wasn't a question. It was an observation.

'Yeah. Pepito. A childhood friend. I don't know if you've met him.'

Johnny narrowed his brows and stuck half a fork in his mouth. 'The name rings a bell.'

'He's the son of Satan.'

'That's not very nice.'

'No, I mean... he's literally the son of Satan. His father is the literal devil. Senor Diablo.'

'Ahh. Yeah, I've met him. Nice guy. Answered a lot of my questions.'

'He's studying medicine. Pepito, not- not his dad. He got into med school early. That kind of stuff happens when you're the bringer of end times, I guess.'

The sharp sound of cutlery sliding over the plates cut through the room. Todd watched Nny from the corner of his eye, and he had the distinct impression the same was being done by Johnny to him. He swallowed, half-wishing he'd actually microwaved the waffles, and set the fork down. He still held onto the knife, his thumb running up and down the side of it.

'I've got a question.'

'Eh?'

With a slow breath, Todd set the knife down on the side of the plate. Johnny had his knife in the jelly jar, the blade scraping along the side of it as he slathered his waffles. Pepito would be pissed if he came home and found it empty.

Rubbing his hand over his mouth, Todd turned the question over in his mind as he tried to think of the best way to phrase it. The way he was considering asking it sounded so harsh, but he couldn't think of any other way to pose it. Fine.

'Why didn't you ever kill my parents?'

The knife rattling in the jar stopped abruptly. Johnny's eyes lifted to him and stared at him directly, before he set the knife down atop the waffles. Jelly oozed from it and dripped onto the plate. Todd watched as he sat there, clearly stunned by the question.

'What? Did- did you... I hit your father in the back of the head that one time. Did he fucking survive that?'

Todd nodded. 'He did. He was quiet for a few days, but he was fine.'

'Did you...' Johnny's voice dropped into a hush, and he leant across the table with narrowed eyes. 'Did you want me to kill them?'

The question churned around in Todd's mind. He picked up the end of the fork and tapped the tines against the remaining waffles. It was soft and the metal thumped against the top of it, leaving small indents in its wake.

'I don't know. I don't think so. I just wanted to know why.'

'Every child deserves their parents. I guess I thought I was doing the best thing at the time.' He spoke slowly, uncertainly, and Todd could hear the doubt dripping in his voice. 'What happened to them. Are they still...?'

He waved his long, slim finger in the air. Uneasily, Todd set his fork down and rubbed his upper arm.

'Mom died while I was in high school. The pills finally caught up to her. And dad...'

He let the sentence drift off. His father was still around, but no longer part of Todd's life. The latter part of his high school years had mostly been spent with Pepito's family. Sometimes he heard from his father, but it said enough that living with a pious Christian woman and the devil was somehow miles better than his own biological father. Besides, he'd somehow grown to enjoy the taste of souls on toast. It was how he imagined Vegemite tasted like.

'Why did you leave?' Todd asked abruptly.

'I had to go think for a while.'

'Did it fix anything?'

For several long seconds Johnny was silent. Then, without warning, he abruptly stood. The chair dragged across the linoleum, a horrible screeching noise that rang in Todd's teeth. Tall, his shoulders stooped and rounded, his fingers scratching at his scalp, Johnny stood there and didn't move.

'Why didn't you ever leave?' he asked, his voice partly muffled by his hands.

'Where would I go?' Todd replied, unable to hide the biting tone from his voice. He was playing with fire, but the question hit him in just the wrong way. 'Not all of us can just disappear like you did. Like you do. Not all of us can... can just slaughter people and walk away like nothing happened.'

'What?' Johnny said quietly, throwing Todd a stunned look. 'Squee, calm down- '

'Don't you dare tell me to calm down.'

'I should go.'

Pushing up onto his feet, Todd slammed his hands down on the table. 'No- no, don't- you don't... you don't just get to walk away this time!'

The outburst had Johnny growing silent. He leant back on his heels, glanced briefly over his shoulder as though expecting to see someone else who Todd could be yelling at, then looked back.

'I waited for you,' Todd blurted out. 'Everyday. I waited for you to come back. I kept waiting and waiting, because... because you were the best thing to happen. As ridiculous as that sounds, you were. When you left...'

Todd shut his mouth tight, feeling his lower lip begin to tremble. He pursed them tight, forcing them into a frustrated moue as he wrapped his arms around his chest and turned away from Nny. He wasn't going to get upset. He refused to get upset. But his heart was beginning to pound in his chest and his throat grew tight.

'I was safer with you around. Everything was safer. And you got up and you left and everyone thought I was nuts.'

'I had to leave. I had to get out of town for a while.'

'Why couldn't you have taken me with you?' His voice broke as he yelled, catching a little at the edges until it cracked.

'Because I died!' Johnny bellowed. 'I fucking died. I fucking snuffed it. That's how I met your friend's dad. I blew my head off and I fucking met the goddamn devil. When I came back to this goddamn place, I had go and think about things for a while. I thought I was doing the right fucking thing leaving you with your folks.'

'You thought wrong!'

Hot tears sprang into Todd's eyes without his control. He sucked in a breath through his teeth and tried to calm down. Holding onto the breath, he felt his lungs burn until he was forced to let it out, all in an effort to stop his shaking hands. In front of him, Johnny appeared speechless. He stammered for a moment, his hands lifted up helplessly.

'I'm sorry,' he finally said. 'I can't change it, but I'm sorry.'

The apology was what Todd needed to hear. It soothed him almost immediately like a balm. It didn't take away the years of loneliness, the years of confusion and isolation, but it did ease the aching burn within him. With a hand clutched to his chest, he looked down at the remains of the meal on the table and nodded.

He didn't stop Johnny as he left. It surprised him to hear the front door open. Though that, in turn, reminded him that he needed to contact the apartment administration to get the window fixed. In the interim, he would need to hang up some tarp. Great.

*

When Johnny's home had been under demolition, Todd would stand at the security gate and press up against it. His fingers had curled around the wiring, his face pushed to it as he watched the house fall apart until the foundation had been laid bare. The basement and joining tunnels had been partly filled in, the very structure taken apart piece by piece. Even so, he could still feel some essence of Johnny there. He had soaked into the earth, he had become part of the plot of land. If Todd closed his eyes, he could almost feel him standing there, looming before him like a protective shadow.

As angry as Todd wanted to be at Johnny, the apology (even if it had been to calm him down) had helped. If he'd been in a situation to escape from this hellish town, he'd have fled as well. A part of him still longed to.

The streets were quiet. Although he knew it wasn't necessarily safe to walk down the street this time of night in this part of town, Todd wasn't necessarily fearful. Many great and terrible things happened on this side of town, but he'd lived through most of them. Nothing could hurt him.

He hadn't been down this street since he'd officially moved out. Occasionally during high school, when he was staying with Pepito and his family, Todd would return home in a short-lived hope of being welcomed back. Maybe his mother would recognise him, maybe his father would hold him. He'd stayed a few nights after his mother's death, but even that had been out of a sense of obligation. Todd wasn't even sure his father noticed when he'd finally moved out his furniture.

Before him, his childhood home yawned at him. It had run into a state of disrepair. It was thankfully still habitable; even now, after all that had transpired, Todd didn't want his father living in terrible conditions. But the lawn was patchy and dead in parts, yet full of weeds in other sections. The gutters looked like they needed to be cleaned, and there was a noticeable crack in the driveway. It didn't look like his father was at home, if the dark windows were anything to go by.

Next door, the home that had been built to replace Johnny's was in better condition. Todd walked towards it, his hands deep in his pockets.

The wire fence that had once kept him back from the empty shell of a house had been replaced with lush hedges and rose bushes. The lawn was better kept than his childhood home, and Todd couldn't help but wonder if a fertiliser rich in iron was the reason for that. The lights were on and the colours that flickered on the closed sheer curtains suggested a TV was on inside. In his mind's eye, Todd tried to picture Johnny in front of a television set, watching Friday night movies with a reheated TV dinner, but the picture refused to form.

Kicking the toe of his old, worn sneaker along the pavement, Todd walked slowly past that house that had been Nny's home. There was still a whisper of him there, a tugging sensation that wanted to draw Todd down into its depths. If he stayed, maybe he'd disappear entirely.

*

The air was cold and damp. Rain was likely on the way. Sitting on an upturned milk crate at the back of the store, Todd balanced his book on his knees and tried to count back the hours until he was able to go home.

Three hours, twenty-four minutes. That was the equivalent of two smoke breaks, if he happened to smoke. He didn't, but sometimes he'd take a pretend break and go hide behind a tree for a few minutes just to mistake the monotony of stocking shelves after the rest of the staff had returned from their own. He didn't want his peace to be disturbed. He already saw enough of his coworkers.

Pepito had come home for a night and had disappeared again. He had business with his father. Apparently he was expected to start picking up the mantle a little more. Todd wasn't aware of the finer details, and he still wasn't sure how he was juggling med school with it all, but he accepted that he was unlikely to be seeing much of his best friend for the immediate future.

He sighed, heavy and low. As he dug his palms into his knees, he stretched and felt his back pop. This low, mediocre existence dragged at him and he felt a pang deep within his chest. A yearning for more, a yearning for something bigger and fun and exciting. The walls of existence pounded at him.

He knew what he wanted. Todd knew what was going to happen. Even as he sat there, attempting to convince himself otherwise, he could feel the urge knocking about in his head. Maybe if he got up and ran the urge would disappear. Perhaps if he forced himself to scream the words would be swallowed down and he'd forget how to say them.

Todd bowed his head. His fingernails ran across his scalp, digging in a little as he gripped his shaggy, uncut hair. He wasn't longing for more, he wasn't aching for a new experience, he only wanted escape. Freedom.

Through it all, he knew what was going to happen. There was no denying it. It was inevitable; up until recently he had only been existing on borrowed time. A timer had been counting down and the end was looming upon the horizon. No matter which way he ran, he'd be crossing the finish line soon. The best thing he could do, he supposed, was to run towards it with arms wide open.

*

The city was lit up in a magnificent display. It stretched out, yawning in front of them from where they sat on the tall hill on the outskirts of town. It had changed somewhat since he was a child. Some of the buildings were taller, some of the suburbs that had been considered safe or expensive had started to become encroached with the less pleasant parts of society.

It was quiet up in the hills. Todd wondered why he'd never come up here before now. If he shut his eyes he could almost pretend he was no longer tied to the world below. He could float, float, float away and swim through the stars. As he closed his eyes, Todd sank back into the cool grass and stretched his arms out. It would be so easy to let go.

Behind them, high up at the top of the hill where the road was paved, Johnny's car was parked. It was packed with the few meagre belongings that Nny had held onto throughout the years. He had found whatever it was that he'd been looking for when he'd come back to town and now he was off again. Maybe, if Todd shut his eyes even tighter, he could pretend that it wasn't happening.

'You ever think about what's past the horizon?' Johnny asked, unprompted.

Todd squeezed his eyes and light sprang up on the back of his lids. He tried to focus on them instead of the impending future.

'There was a kid in my school, a few years ahead of me. He was convinced one of his classmates was an alien.'

'Was he?'

He opened his eyes. Lights dazzled his vision for a moment, and he waited for it to clear before he pushed up onto his elbows.

'Nah. I mean... he might've been. Or he could've just been badly jaundiced.'

'Huh.'

'Where will you go this time?'

As his vision cleared, he turned and looked over at Johnny. Beside him, Johnny drew his knees into his chest. He was long, lithe, languid. A sigh came from him as he perched his chin atop his knees and held them close.

'I don't know. I never know. I just go and follow wherever the road leads.'

'What will you do?'

There was a pause, and Todd could feel the seconds move through it. The silence, the beating of his heart, the pounding in his head. The whisper of wind, the distant sound of night birds calling. The moment between them was palpable.

'You know what I do. You don't need to know anything more than that.'

Todd looked down at his hands. He cast his eyes out over the city below them, the stars up above, then back at Nny.

'Take me with you.'

The words spilled out of Todd's mouth before he even realised what he'd said. Even so, he absolutely knew he meant to say it. It had been building up long before Nny had appeared at his job. That hunger, that need; it was inevitable.

'No,' Johnny said, his voice low and even.

'Take me with you,' Todd repeated.

'No,' Johnny said, more firmly this time. 'You don't want to go with me. You're a good person, a kind person, a- a stable person. Getting drawn into my mess is a bad idea. It'll be bad for you.'

'Don't sit here and try to tell me what is and isn't good for me. I was alone for years. I needed you and you left.'

A sob was threatening to spill from him again. Pursing his lips tight, he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. There was a burn in his chest as he struggled to maintain composure. He wouldn't suffer, he wouldn't falter. As much as he ached inside, he would grown up from that fearful, shy boy he'd been so long again. Despite his nervous and shaky exterior, he was stronger now, with a steely core that saw him through.

'I stayed behind. I waited,' Todd went on.

'I thought I was doing the right thing,' Johnny insisted, echoing his earlier sentiment. He began to push up onto his feet to stand. 'I couldn't have fucking known what would happen.'

Following him, refusing to let him leave this time without hearing him out, Todd jumped up. Stepping over, Todd stabbed him in the middle of his chest, poking at him with a harsh, jabbing finger.

'I waited,' he repeated. 'I went to your house everyday, hoping you'd come back. Even when they demolished it, even when the new couple moved in. I waited for you, hoping you'd come back and fix it all.'

This time Johnny remained silent. Todd wondered if he'd lash out, reprimand him for getting angry, but he was instead only faced with a silent, shamefaced figure. A rush of guilt went through Todd, but he swallowed it down. The lump in his throat had been replaced with the sting of indignation. His finger remained pressed to Johnny's chest, and he thrust it forward again.

'Take me with you,' he said, managing to keep his voice even.

'I could hurt you.'

'You won't.'

'How do you know that?'

Todd considered it. His jaw still quivered, but he took a deep breath and shook his head. 'You wouldn't. You won't. You'd have done it already if you were going to.'

Nny cared about him. He knew that, as well as he knew the sun rose in the east and set in the west. Johnny cared about him. Maybe Todd couldn't prove that right then, but he knew it. And maybe Johnny couldn't admit it now, but he'd always cared about him; maybe that was even why he'd come back. Something had been lost here, something had been left behind, he'd said that himself. That something was Todd.

'Take me with you,' he asked a final time, his voice dropping to a whisper.

Cautiously, Johnny raised his own hand. His fingers wrapped around Todd's wrist. His touch was colder than expected, but instead of chilling him, Todd found it soothing. With the slightest amount of pressure, as though afraid he could break him, Johnny lowered Todd's hand from his chest. He didn't let go, though, nor did he entwine their hands. He simply held his wrist and let his fingers press against his pulse point.

'Okay,' he said gently. 'I will.'

For the first time in what felt like aeons, Todd smile. He didn't know what lay in the future, but he'd been acting on borrowed time since the moment Johnny had left town. Now he could finally breathe.