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The one thing Sirius didn’t expect in his life, was the fact he had you.
You constantly stood by his side, his constant advocate, no matter how much trouble he caused or found himself in. Even if the trouble he found himself in affected you in some way, you still stuck by his side through everything.
As grateful as Sirius was to have you in his life, he was still absolutely terrified that he would lose you in some way, namely the fact of his heritage.
Baby, so you think you know crazy
I think you know what you know,
But what you know you don't know for sure
The Black family, or as they were more commonly known, The Noble House of Black, were a force to be reckoned with, and not in anyway positive. Despite the constant inbreeding and the questionable values, it was a constant fear of Sirius’ that you would one day wake up and realise how crazy his family actually was and leave.
Most of the time, he would keep these thoughts to himself and swore that he was overreacting or even making up reasons as to why he was no good for you.
You had told him time and time again, you’ve had your own share of family who were crazy but Sirius knew they weren’t even in the same league as his.
Baby, you wanna see me crazy
Well I show you what that's like,
And then I wave goodbye as you run for your life
The reason alone, after he was disowned and burnt off the family tapestry, showed just how merciless and cruel his family was to their own blood when they didn’t meet expectations, or fill the prejudiced mold.
His parents had tried to snuff out his fire, his rebellious nature, to stand up for what he believed was right and that everyone was equal, even before he reached Hogwarts. Being put in Gryffindor just solidified the fact Sirius wasn’t going to just accept their beliefs quietly or submissively.
Sirius only burned brighter than the star he was named after when he found his true friends and family. Though that wasn’t to say he still had his doubts about who he was.
When the Potters took him in, Sirius almost couldn’t understand why they would want anything to do with him. He was tainted. The very blood which ran through his veins also ran through that of his delusional family. It made him question how different was he really?
The answer came in the form of Y/N.
A little advice for aspiring fires
You'll get put out if you don't get a little higher
If his family was a force to be reckoned with, Y/N was like a hurricane. Stupidly stubborn, just like him, Y/N consistently shattered any doubts Sirius had normally and constantly surprised him with just how much she loved him and showed him she loved him.
Y/N made his fire rage and aspired him to be more than whatever his family thought of him.
Although despite her being a never ending advocate for everything good in him, Sirius still had his bad days where he would question if he was good enough for her, or even for his friends.
This was why he constantly tried to be the best friend he could to them. Constantly tried to make them laugh, support them, motivate them, protect them.
This was also why Sirius was adamant he was making the right choice by telling everyone he was James and Lily’s secret keeper, even if it wasn’t true. He had to keep them safe, had to keep Harry safe.
Maybe, you're watching too much TV,
Because crazy in the box, is everything that crazy's not
When James asked Sirius to be Harry’s godfather, Sirius was in two minds about it. Obviously his first reaction was that he was ecstatic to be asked and to have the privilege, yet there was still that constant voice in his mind; ‘would there be someone better for it?’
Y/N of course, diminished that thought as soon as it entered his mind. You could tell what he was thinking almost immediately and were quick to reassure him that there was no one else who would love Harry as much as him, except maybe Lily and James.
“Stop overthinking it.”
The tired grumble from Y/N was heard even muttered into his chest.
“Overthinking what?”
“Everything.”
Sirius couldn’t help the roll of his eyes as he ran his hand through her hair and down, finding it’s place securely on her back.
It was late, and the two of you had crawled into bed about an hour ago, yet Sirius hadn’t slept a wink of sleep, too busy at war with his own mind.
How was it you knew what he was thinking about without even trying?
A little advice for aspiring fires
You'll get put out if you don't get a little higher
You were lying face down with your head on his chest, arms tightly hugging him around his torso, with his around you. His eyes danced over your features as you hugged yourself closer to him.
Despite the room being dark, he could still make out the knowing expression on your face as you turned your head to look at him.
“You’re either thinking about Harry, James and Lily, the war, Led Zeppelin, Remus, yourself or me.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow at the small smirk on her face.
“Is that so?”
“Mmhmm.” You turned and folded yourself back into his chest. “So.”
“So?”
“So, which was it?”
“...A mixture of most of them.” He brought his hand up to run it through your hair once more. “How’d you know?”
“I know you.”
Sirius was sure you did.
He didn’t say anything else as he watched you drift back off to sleep. He was lucky, and he knew he was, especially to have you.
He really had no idea what he would do, or how he would survive if he lost you. You were almost a lifeline to him, dragging him out of the depths of his mind, making sure he didn’t go crazy.
But... what if you did realise one day that he just wasn’t worth it? What if you realised that he’s probably just as insane as the rest of his blood?
Sirius ran a hand through his hair, before pulling you closer and nuzzling the top of your head. He was being stupid. You loved him. He knew that.
Pushing the intruding thoughts to the back of his mind, he finally closed his eyes, desperate to immerse himself in good dreams.
Baby, you wanna see me crazy
Well I show you what that's like
And then I wave goodbye as you run for your life