Work Text:
And all she ever thinks about
Is being any other place than this
‘Cause she remembers having wings
But she’s forgotten what’s like
To feel a paradise of bliss
- Sarah Brightman “Fly to Paradise”
Alexis sighs, knowing it has come to an end. Her boyfriend is still blissfully unaware though. He’d changed the subject, as if they were only talking about the weather or their exams. Even their friends don’t seem to care about what it’s been said. Except Sara, sweet Sara.
The evening continues like this, everyone talking about everything and anything. Typical party. And then, she has an epiphany: it’s not only her relationship that is over, but that kind of life too. Not the party itself, although she could use to go to fewer of them. No, it’s this... entourage. These discussions about their future, the whats-ifs, the pros and cons of that type of government or that line of thinking or... everything that isn’t hooked on the present. On her present. She used to love these exchanges. Heck, she’s quite good at them. She wouldn’t be her father’s daughter if she didn’t have some way with the words!
But now, it all seems... useless. Some of the subjects are still fun, she just doesn’t connect as much as she used to do. Still, she stays, she participates, she argues, she laughs. In her mind though, she’s rehearsing what she’s going to say to her future ex-boyfriend. She visualizes some of her and Hayley’s cases at the agency. She imagines Lily, her sweet little sister, in the arms of her father, Kate smiling at them. Then, back to rehearsing, like a loop.
When they finally decide to leave, she’s ready. Once outside their friends’ apartment, Alexis says the words that no one wants to hear yet that are important to say:
- We need to talk.
*****************************************************************************************************
Richard Castle is worried. He shouldn’t. Everything is going okay as it should be, he knows that. He’s happy, Beckett is happy, his mother is happy, Lily is happy (as much as a baby can be happy) and Alexis is... happy. Really happy. Like too much. Maybe?
She’s always had a joyous personality and sure, he doesn’t like seeing her sad, especially after a break-up. But normally, there’s a bit of apathy or melancholy when a relationship falls apart. This time, nothing. Zip. Niet. Nada. Zero drama. It’s already been more than five weeks and he still thinks of that conversation.
***
- Oh, by the way, I broke up with Eric.
- What?!? Why? I thought you really liked him!
- Yeah, I like him but I’ve realised we weren’t in the same wavelength anymore.
- Oh? How?
- Just stuff that popped out in conversations here and there.
- Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.
- Nah, it’s okay, Dad. It was my decision.
***
He remembers her easy smile and shrug. Since then, she’s been cheerful and quite busy to be honest. Even more than before her break-up. But what puzzles and worries him the most is that Alexis is always down for babysitting her little sister. And he means, always. So when Alexis proposes to babysit this Saturday AGAIN, he waits till she goes back to her room and then... looses it.
- Beckett...
- Yeah?
- Alexis is going to babysit again...
- Yeah.
- It’s like... 3 times this week?
- Think so.
- Isn’t too much?
- Don’t think so.
- Beckett?
- Yeah babe?
- Something is wrong with Alexis.
- Huh?
Busy with their Lily, Kate wasn’t really paying attention to her husband. She turns her head to watch him and sees his face. His very worried and I’m-trying-not-to-panic face. She puts their baby in her high chair, a bit puzzled.
- You sure? To me, it seems quite the opposite.
- But maybe that’s what she wants us to think?
Kate, with a mix of patience, impatience and tenderness in her eyes, puts her hand on his cheek.
- Alexis is quite cheerful these days. In fact, she’s kind a breath of fresh air when we both are functioning with less than 3 hours of sleep! What makes you think something is wrong with her?
- But what if it’s a mask? A façade? What if, inside, she’s screaming in agony but since she’s one the sweetest, selfless person in the world, she puts a front to not worry us?
Normally, Beckett would listen and take to heart any concern Castle has for Alexis. But ever since Lily arrived in their life, they both had been a bit less... grounded to the events and the life of those around them.
- Babe, you know those 3 hours of sleep I was talking about? I think they’re getting to you.
- But, but...
- In fact, she’s probably the sanest around here these days!
- But she’s always busy!
- And...?
- And when she’s not busy, she’s babysitting her sister!
- ... and..?
- I don’t want to be that dad who takes advantage of his oldest so that she takes care of his youngest! At first, it’s all flowers and rainbows, and then she’s going resent me because she will think that I’ve replaced her with her sister and that she’s just some kind of free labor and she will move out of the apartment and then from our lives and then...
- Castle, stop.
He stops, tears in his (very) tired eyes. Kate sighs and smiles.
- Sometimes, I don’t know how these thoughts just seem to pop into your head. But I know what to do with them.
- Yeah?
- Yup!
Kate then proceeds to simply walk to the stairs and yelled.
- Alexis! Can you come down please?
- Coming!
Before Castle could even voice his objection, Alexis comes running down, a smile on her face.
- What’s up?
- Are you happy?
She stays silent for a second before a giggle escapes her.
- Quite happy, thank you for asking... but why are you asking?
- Because your father is having a mini breakdown, thinking you’re not happy, so could you reassure him please?
Both women turn to him, fond exasperation on their face. He tries to talk, but his daughter beats him to him.
- Dad, why would you think I’m unhappy?
- Because... it’ just... you’re always studying, or going to classes, or working, or babysitting and...
- And?
- I don’t want you to be mad at me for keeping you from socialising by babysitting your sister!
- Dad... I always offer it.
- Not always, sometimes there are emergencies and...
- And I totally understand it. Don’t worry, if I didn’t want too, I would say it. But I love spending time with my sister, so don’t worry about it.
Her smile is so beautiful, so carefree. He relaxes a bit, although there’s still something that won’t leave him, that’s nagging him.
- It’s just... Alexis, since you’ve broke up with Eric, you haven’t been out much. I know you said it was your decision, but did something happened?
Alexis blinks, a bit tongue-tied. Beckett also had that stunned look that, normally, makes Castle proud of himself. But his concern for his daughter is bigger than one upping his partner.
- Huh. You’re right. I have been out less. And, yeah, something did happened. But nothing bad, I swear!
She puts her hands on her father’s, sensing some of his distress coming back. He sees her getting lost a bit in head, as she searches for her words.
- You remember when I’ve told you that I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids or not?
- Yeah...?
- Well, I forgot to tell you that I’m now sure that I don’t want kids.
- Okay...?
Castle, a bit loss, wonders what that’s got to do with what’s going on. Unless...
- Did Eric knew?
- Yeah, I’ve told him. And at first, he was totally okay with my decision. But then, he would do small comments here and there. Like I would certainly be a good mother since I was taking such good care of my sister. Or that, if I wanted to, I would be able to balance my professional life and having children, since I’ve seen both of you do it.
Castle and Beckett look at each other, not saying a word, and then back at Alexis.
- Nothing big, and if I reminded him of my choice, he would laugh it off and simply say: “Of course!”. And then there was Janice’s party.
For the first time since the break-up, Castle can see the anger that he was searching in her.
- We were there, chatting, when the subject of me babysitting came around. Don’t remember why, but whatever. I was talking about how cute my little sister was and how much fun we had together. That made some of the people there asking when I will be having my own kids. And I’ve said: “Never. I love children and I love taking care of my sister, but I don’t want to be a mother.” They seem sceptical so I kinda just shrugged and told them that Eric also knew about this and accepted it.
Alexis smiles, a bit bitter and with faraway eyes.
- Eric laughed and said that I was right, I did say this... but since I often changed my mind about my studies and career, I’ll probably change my mind about this too.
Right away, both Castle and Beckett have that look that promises instant karma to whomever hurt one of their own. Castle especially seems really offended.
- What a douchebag! Studies and parenthood are NOT the same thing! Did you shut him up? Or anyone else?
- I wanted to. And I think Sara also wanted to because I’ve seen her making the same face you’re doing right now. But then, everyone else was laughing, and Eric have, smoothly might I had, changed the subject. We weren’t quick enough. And then, I was just... tired.
Still having his hands in hers, he squeezes them. However, she surprises him by giggling and distancing herself a bit from him.
- At that moment, it became very clear to me that I was going to break up with Eric. Not only that, but I would also probably break up with some friends too. Whom, when I think about it, were not really friends. More like classmates and acquaintances. In a way, because of Eric, I’ve got lost a bit in all these social connections with parties, debates, studies groups. You know, all that social stuff.
Castle smiles softly at her.
- Yeah, I know.
- How did Eric reacted to the break-up?
Alexis lets out a snicker.
- Not badly, but he was so confused! It took him a while for him to understand that by saying that “joke” (his word), he didn’t respect my choice to be childfree and, by extension, didn’t respect me. He’s finally admitted that, indeed, he wanted children and that he was sure I would change my mind one day. I told him not to hold his breath and that it would be better for him to be with someone who really wants children. He agreed and we parted ways. He still wanted to have the last word though and told me before leaving: “It’s your decision, but let me tell you that it’s a bad one. You’ll realise it when all you have are your studies, your dad’s little detective agency and your jealousy when you’ll look at your sister.”
Before Castle could let out an indignant scream, his daughter simply starts laughing. He’s a bit confused, even more when he sees Kate chuckling.
- That’s... not exactly funny... is it?
- Castle, we started this conversation because of Alexis’ happiness, you agree?
- Well, yes.
- Don’t you see? Everything she does, she does it BECAUSE it makes her happy!
Finally catching up, Castle groans and laughs at the same time.
- God, why didn’t I realised it? I am a disgrace among the sleuths and investigators of this world!
- It’s okay, Dad. I think Lily kinda put your brain on slow motion.
- Yeah, no kidding! So, you’re okay? Everything is okay?
As Alexis takes her father in her arms, he feels all the stress he had leaving him.
- Yes, I’m okay. Now that I think about it, I should have probably explained more in detail about the break-up. But honestly, I was feeling so... free, so at peace that it didn’t seem important to elaborate on the why and the how.
- It’s okay, Pumpkin. I understand.
They smile at each other, simply happy to see the other happy, until Castle’s face switches into a more searching gaze.
- So... what are your plans for the future, then?
Beckett nods, eyes widening.
- Yeah, I’m curious about that too!
As she giggles, Alexis steps a bit back to face both of them.
- Well, as mentioned, I love to study. I love to learn new stuff and honestly, when I think about it, I can’t really pick up one field of studies and then, making out a career from it. Sometimes, I think about becoming a lawyer and the next day, a historian. But I’ve realized that I’m more interested in the journey than in the destination.
She suddenly turns more serious and takes a big breath.
- I also think that the reason why I don’t search for a career is because I’ve already found one... I really love being an investigator and I love working with Hayley. So, my plans are kinda simple: working at the agency and studying. Part time, of course, so not to burn myself.
She almost looks nervous and a bit shy, but both Castle and Beckett smile at her.
- Well, you are your father’s daughter! Full of curiosity and wonder... and you and Hayley use the agency waaaay better than him!
Everyone laughs, till Castle turns his proud eyes to Alexis.
- Sweetheart, that’s true. I know I’ve created the PI agency on a whim to stay close to Kate, but I’m happy you took over. I’m happy that you love working there and I think mixing this job with part-time studies is so... you. Whatever you choose to this forever or that one day, you choose a complete different career, you’ll always have my support. But the thing that I’m the most happy about is...
The women wait, looking amused.
- ... that you’ve dumped that shithead!