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Fucking dumbass is what he was. He should've got up the second Deku did.
He should have handled the 'talk' better. Shouldn't have yelled at him the way he did. The way he *always* did. Shouldn't have yelled at all.
There were so many thing's Katsuki should have done. But should have wasn't good enough. Almost wasn't good enough. Izuku deserved better than almost. Maybe if he wasn't a coward he could have done better like he alway's promised. He could have held onto Izuku tighter. But the Deku never stayed in one place long enough to get comfortable with. Always taking a mission just a little more dangerous than the last. Always throwing caution to the wind for someone else's sake. Some self-sacrifical mission to save the whole world, even if it ment he wouldn't be there to see it.
It pissed Katsuki off to no end.
Why couldn't the Deku fucking see it. Did he never fucking listen! Aizawa Sensei, their old classmate's and friend's, both of their mother's, hell even All Might himself had told that fucking nerd to be careful. He never listened.
He almost died.
More then once. He still didn't listen. And Katsuki never had the nerve to tell him.
Now he's gone. Nobody can find him. *Katsuki* can't find him. He's just gone.
Katsuki opened the door to their apartment and let himself collapse by the door. He should have went after the damn nerd the second he heard him jump out the window. Katsuki thought he'd come back. Even though Izuku had never left after a fight before, every mission, every bitter patrol or useless bickering he *always* came back. But this time he didn't. Now he's missing. Izuku had left. Now Izuku is missing. And it's all Katsuki's fault.
Every single one of his nightmare's was coming true.
Katsuki wasn't sure how long he let himself sit in front of his door, head in hands, before the shrill ringing of his phone brought him back to the present. Katsuki patted down his pockets and belatedly realized he must have left it this morning. Before he left to look for Izuku.
Jumping up he didnt realize how much he was hoping to see Izuku's caller ID, that lame picture of the two of them doing facemask's together, but he was unhappily greeted with a picture of a shark toothed red-head lifting Izuku in one hand like a couple of fucking cheerleaders. Katsuki let himself stare at the picture only a moment too long before answering.
"The fuck do you want?" His mood worsened tenfold when he heard Kirishima's boisterous laughter ring out.
"Damn man! Just checking in, figured you'd be in a better mood now but I guess I thought wrong." Katsuki could practically see the eye roll as the other man sighed and he felt the rage bubble up.
"Why exactly would I be in a better mood? Deku's fucking missing none of you can find him and now you assholes are laughing? Tell me shit-for-brains what is so fucking funny that you have to call me when you all should be out looking for Izuku!" Katsuki choked back tears and viciously rubbed his palm against his pants, Izuku hated when he let off his quirk in the apartment.
"W-wait you dont- Kat, has Sero tried calling you today? Denki got ahold of Todoroki and turns out Midobro has been crashing at his place for the last couple of days."
Katsuki felt his eyes go wide at the news. "What?" He whispered, immediately checking his call history. Nine missed calls. The one fucking day he forgets his phone. It dosen't matter though. Deku's alive. He's fine. Izuku's fine.
"Yeah! I guess he told Denki something about needing some like, mental health days, I'm not sure about everything but Denki just told him to chill and tha-"
"But he's okay right? He's not in the hospital? " Katsuki felt his throat close up at the word. He hated how familiar that place had become to him.
"No Kat, he's fine. Probably down about something but he's with Todoroki. You and I both know that's the safest place in the world." Kirishima spoke softly. Probably hearing the wobble in his voice.
Katsuki wasn't so sure about the 'safest' part but all things considered he knew he could trust Icy-hot. More importantly Katsuki knew where Izuku was. He could go to him. He could see him. Talk to him. He could try again. Katsuki wasn't sure if he even said anything to Kirishima before he hung up all he knew was he had to go. He had to see him.
He had to see Izuku in the flesh.
____________________
Katsuki hated summer nights.
Knocking on the door felt in that moment like admitting defeat. Fuck! He had spent the last two days sick with guilt and worry and now Katsuki couldn't muster up the balls to admit he was in the wrong. Coward is what he felt like.
Not even able to face the man who had followed him through all his years as a good-for-nothing bully. With a huff he knocked in the most polite way Kirishima had taught him. The minutes he stood there felt like an eternity until he heard footsteps and the door opened.
The scared ex-villan stood before him, looking for all the world to see, bored out of his mind but Katsuki remembered those eyes. Wild and distrustful as they had been even then, held a unnerving amount of focus. Now those eyes locked on him, examining his very existence. From the half charred shirt he still wore from overuse of his quirk getting here as quickly as was possible, covered in a thin sheen of sweat, down to the convenient store roses he held in his hands.
He felt disheveled, and even in the dusk light knew he must not look any different.
Katsuki expected some taunting remark. A demeaning quip or query. Something worthy of the man's villainous background.
"He doesn't need to see you." Was what left the white haired man's mouth instead.
"What?" Katsuki said tentatively.
"You heard me. I know why your here and he doesn't need to see you." Touya's eyes narrowed and Katsuki felt the disdain roll off in waves so thick it was almost suffocating.
"Oh yeah? And who the hell are you to decide that for him!?" The words sounded desperate even to himself. Katsuki wanted to fight him, wanted to blow the patchwork man before him sky high just so he could talk to Izuku. All he wanted was to talk to Izuku.
"One of the people who's had to watch him cry nearly constantly for almost three days straight." And just like that all the fight he had winding up inside left him just as quickly and Katsuki couldn't even manage to keep the scowl on his face.
Katsuki must have looked as pathetic as he felt because the scared man before him sighed. "Look, I don't know what you did, and honestly I don't care. All I know is that kid came here, completely out of it and weeping. Now tonight he's holed up with my brother in his room weeping again."
The knowledge that Izuku was so close and in such a bad emotional state had Katsuki both rooted to his spot and desperately wanting to rush past ex villain to comfort him.
"Dont. You don't get to look like that. You caused this. He doesn't need to see you and you do not deserve to see him." Those words may as well have been daggers piercing his heart for how much they hurt. Katsuki felt the panic start to set in. He was right. This fucking no good villain was right.
"Leave." The single word had Katsuki whipping his head up to meet cold icy eyes. He couldn't leave. He was so close.
The scared man lifted one hand to flash the quirk canceling cuff binding his wrist. "I dont need my quirk to kick your ass, and Shoto will not care for appearance's as he fries you alive. So leave while I'm still feeling generous." The patchwork man slammed the door without another word.
Katsuki stood staring blankly at the simple wooden door. It would be so easy. To simply blow the door from it frame. March his way into the house. To find Izuku. He could plead with him. He would beg on his knees. The thought itself had Katsuki's cheeks hot with embarrassment. But why? Everyone in that house knew the truth.
They knew.
Katsuki ran then. His legs pushing till he dove into the closest ally and vomited.
They knew. Katsuki heaved till his body was sore, head pounding and out of breath.
When he finally regained some control he stood up. Katsuki began to walk.
This wasn't supposed to happen. This was never how was supposed to be. Izuku was always there, Katsuki had never needed to go looking very far. Even at the worst of the war Katsuki always knew Izuku would come back. That's how they are. That's how it always had been. The nerd would come back. History was proof that he would. So why did this feel so final? Katsuki was going to fully commit. He had told his mother he was gonna have her come to their apartment. He was going to tell her soon. He and Izuku would be there. He'd probably just kiss the nerd in front of her or slap his ass and that would be it. She'd know. She was gonna know. Izuku hadn't been injured for the better part of the year. He was getting less reckless. He was better. Katsuki was getting better. Katsuki was gonna try. Izuku had waited for so long. Why couldn't he wait just a little more. A nagging voice that sounded too gruff and too much like that scared villain's voice rang out in his thoughts 'you've been saying it for years. He stopped believing you. you won't change.'
"Fuck!" Katsuki's voice felt raw and sounded pathetic even to his own ears. Burning tears fell from his eyes and it was only then as he stopped, heaving to catch his breath that he realized he was hugging the roses. Limp, crushed and half dead, Katsuki couldn't bring himself to even look at them.
Izuku like daffodils best.
He had once said the yellow ones reminded him of Katsuki's quirk. Katsuki had scoffed and told him that was stupid. It wasn't stupid. It was sweet. It made Katsuki feel something. Now, all he felt was empty.
Empty.
"Kats?" That voice. Katsuki didn't want to look up. Didn't want to face the only person who could read him better then anyone. He would be able to see. He would know.
"Katsuki? Look at me man." Kirishima's voice, normally load and boisterous was toned down to almost a whisper. That only made Katsuki want to cry more.
Kirishima's hero boots entered Katsuki's sight. He must be on patrol. "Come on man, let's head to my place. You don't need to be in this part of town at night like this." He said with a gentleness Katsuki didn't feel he deserved. He didn't deserve a kind act. He ruined everything. Unfortunately for him though Kirishima seemed to take his silence as agreement and lead Katsuki away. They must not have been far cuz after being lead through some small back alleys Katsuki heard the rustle of keys and looked up to watch Kirishima open the back door to his building.
Katsuki made a beeline for the stairs, not willing to deal with anyone who might hang near the elevators this late at night. Once in the apartment Katsuki felt the silence caving in. It was so quiet. He hated it. It was deafening. Too much. Too much. Too-
"Here, hand me those. We can put them in a vase, they might still be salvageable." Kirishima pried the roses from Katsuki's hands and disappeared for only a moment and then he was back with a hand out stretched. "Come on, take a seat on the couch. I've got the first aid kit so I can clean your hands." Katsuki was confused. Looking down he saw his hands covered in tiny pricks the thorns must have made as he held them.
Katsuki followed without a word. Kirishima, to his credit, did not let the apartment fall silent again. Once Katsuki had sat, Kirishima turned the TV on for background noise and talked the whole time he cleaned and bandaged Katsuki's hands. Katsuki wasn't really sure what he saying. Only that he was saying something.
"Kats? Can you hear me?" Katsuki finally let his eyes meet his friend and instantly felt the shame rise inside.
"You dont gotta talk about it, I just need to know your not blacking out."
"Its my fault." Katsuki wasn't sure why he said it. Everything inside him wanted to crawl in a hole and never speak again. But this is Kirishima. He's safe.
"Its not your faul-" Katsuki couldn't let him finish. He couldn't bear to listen to it.
"Its my fault. I pushed him away over and over and I was still dumb enough to think he'd stay forever. He asked for nothing. And that's all I ever gave him." The words felt heavy and strangling to say. The truth always hurt the most.
"I know you. Your not a bad person. Whatever went down, I know you can fix it." Kirishima said giving Katsuki a small and sincere smile. Katsuki had fooled him to huh.
"There's nothing to fix. I fucked it over. Hell, I never even let it be a real thing to begin with." Katsuki let out a humorless laugh. The earnest yet confused look in Kirishima's eyes made him want to throw up all over again. Tears threatened to fall as that look of confusion morphed into understanding.
"You never said anything." Kirishima said and Katsuki almost choked on the sob that escaped.
"Ya, that was part of the problem. "
Kirishima for once seemed speechless. "How long?" His voice sounded hesitant.
Katsuki looked away. He couldn't look anymore. He couldn't stand to watch if his friends face morphed into disgust.
"Too long. Three fucking years too long."
"But last weekend? You- you went out with us? You where dancing and drinking and we- oh fuck we-"
Katsuki sobbed as the words crushed him farther. That voice came back 'You never deserved him'
It was right.
"I know okay! I know what I did! I know! Dont you get it now! Its my fault! Its all my fault."
Katsuki curled into himself. His heart felt like a black hole sucking him in. The full weight of what he did hitting him. Three years. Three fucking years. At first he did it trying desperately to make Izuku leave. Trying so desperately to not be the one to break this *thing* he had created. To not be the one to break Izuku's heart. But Izuku was stubborn and turned a blind eye everytime. Izuku would only ask for more quality time. And Katsuki repayed him with possessiveness. He couldn't stand to see Izuku be so close to that fucking half and half bastard! That feeling. Was that what Izuku felt everytime? Katsuki wanted to tear himself to shreds at the knowledge. It was all his fault. He never wanted to break his heart. Never wanted that half and half fucker to get close to him. All his actions had brought him what he feared most.
Katsuki stopped breathing as arms wrapped around him and pulled him close. Kirishima's hugs had always been all consuming. Something that was safe. Kirishima once said it was his way to show someone they weren't alone, he was there. Kirishima had once told him that hugs made him feel safe and cared for. He wanted everyone to feel the same.
The tears he had desperately been biting back all this time came rushing out in a torrent. Katsuki wasn't sure if he deserved such kindness but to know Kirishima wouldn't turn his back on him made all the difference.
________________________
Ejiro had fallen asleep hours ago. To his credit he had tried to stay awake for as long as possible but eventually, Katsuki felt his bestfriend's head drop onto his shoulder. There once was a time in high-school the man could stay up for days on end, seeming to have a bottomless pool of energy inside. Being a Pro Hero really changes a person.
Katsuki stared down at his phone, the screen of it bright and glowing as he stared at the contact ID and his heart ached. Izuku was smiling so bright in that picture, the puppy printed mask sliding off his face.
Izuku was wearing Katsuki's shirt. He loved wearing Katsuki's clothes.
They were happy. Katsuki was happy.
Now all he had left was a stupid picture.
Katsuki didn't let himself think for too long as he typed. He had no idea what he even wanted to say. What could he say? He didn't even want a reply. He didn't think his heart could handle it. But he needed to know. Izuku needed to know.
*"I'm sorry. For everything. " - K*