Work Text:
Remember the way you made me feel?
Such young love but
Something in me knew that it was real..
Frozen in my head.
Pictures I'm living through for now
Trying to remember all the good times
Our life was cutting through so loud
Memories are playing in my dull mind
I hate this part paper hearts
And I'll hold a piece of yours
Don't think I would just forget about it
Hoping that you won't forget about it.
Looking out at the ocean, I snapped a picture and uploading it on Instagram. It was blissful. It reminded me of how amazing God's creation was and how blessed I was to be in this position. I heard chatters of being back in our seats to welcome the bride down the aisle. I took a deep breath and looked excited as possible to witness possibly the love of my life get married to someone else.
That's when I saw her.
She looked beautiful. Her white dress was showing off every right feature she had. The long, flowing dress was gracefully being pulled along the greenery. Her blue eyes shone from the sun hitting her face and I couldn't stop smiling. When she started to walk down the aisle, my heart was swelling. No really, I could just feel it getting bigger and bigger, taking up my chest. She was intoxicating. For a minute I thought she was walking towards me. As if I was the one getting married to her. Before I knew it, she had passed me and her familiar scent of vanilla lingered in my senses. I turned to see her getting transferred from her dad to Servando. Don't get me wrong, I love the dude. He's amazing and Alex definitely deserves someone like him. I just, always was jealous he could do the things I could only dream about.
Lost in my head, I was wondering what would happen if I just stopped it all. If I finally told Alex I didn't care what family or fans would say, if I said I would stick by her side till death do us part, if I said that I couldn't think about her being with another person for the rest of her life. I could. But then her smile. Her bright smile said "I do" and I realised everything was done. That's it. It didn't matter if I said anything or not, it was done. He slid on her ring and she slid on his. They were happy. Who am I to stop her smile like that? Everyone was cheering and by now my body was on autopilot. I took a look at Kelley on my left and Ashlyn on my right who were looking at me, knowing how weird this was for me. Ashlyn simply patted my shoulder whilst Kelley leaned her head on my shoulder.
“I'm alright guys, seriously,” I looked over at them both convincingly.
“Yeah yeah, we know, Tobs,” Ashlyn muttered, leaning down and kissing my head lightly. Seeing Alex kiss Servando hurt my heart. I could feel it shrivelling up and physically hurting.
Damn it, Morgan. I thought. When they walked away to the sitting area, I felt flustered and excused myself to the bathroom inside the beach club.
Everything is gray under these skies
Wet mascara
Hiding every cloud under a smile
When there's cameras
And I just can't reach out to tell you
That I always wonder what you're up to
I locked myself inside a stall and took another deep breath, sitting down on the closed toilet seat. But it was shaky. My vision was blurring and I felt my cheeks get wet. I didn't even realise I had started to cry. I furiously wiped away the tears, but it was futile. They were coming down harder and in more numbers. I suddenly heard someone call my name quietly and then with more urgency.
“Please open this door, Tob,” it was Kelley and she was lightly banging the door. “Tob, let me in babe, come on.”
Reaching off the toilet seat, I unlocked it and just let Kelley hold me. I could see Ashlyn standing behind her, giving me apologetic eyes. She looked so heartbroken and I felt so heartbroken. I just couldn't believe that the girl of my life was gone from my hands and with another person. Could I still be friends with Alex after this?
"It's okay, Tobin, she's still your best friend no matter what," Kelley soothed, obviously replying to what I thought were my own thoughts but I was saying them out loud.
“I don't know why I feel like this though, I was so sure I was straight and I didn't have any feelings for her. A best friend shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't be crying, upset. I should be crying, happy, like Ali or Abby. Why do I feel like this, Kel?” I cried, pulling away from her shoulder still trying to wipe away all tears.
Kelley pulled me up and walked me out of the stall to Ashlyn. Ashlyn then side hugged me whilst Kelley wiped away my tears with tissue.
“Now you listen to me, kid. Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could,"
"Love is a painful, yet rewarding experience. And that's the beauty of it. I know it's hard watching her, but Tobin, she's still gonna be your best friend. She's still gonna be your bus buddy. But at night, maybe she might not quietly slip into bed cuddling up to you. She might not be as free with you anymore,” Ashlyn squeezed my shoulder comfortingly. “But it's okay. You'll find someone who makes you just as happy, hell not if more, as Alex made you. You're an amazing person, Tobin, please don't forget that. You'll move on from this and make yourself a stronger person. We'll be here every step of the way, right Kel?”
“Yeah Toby, always and forever,” Kelley said, kissing my forehead smiling at me.
“Thanks guys,” I sniffed, pulling away from Ashlyn to look in the mirror. “Wow, I look like shit already.”
My nose was red and my eyes were slightly swollen. My makeup had been ruined too.
“C'mere,” Kelley turned me around and began reapplying my make up. “Look, just as beautiful as before.”
“Thanks Kel,” I laughed. “Now let's get back out there before they realise we're gone for so long.”
When we got back outside, people were engaged in socialising and eating. We went to our table with Abby, Sarah, Sydney, Ali and Rachael. I sat down and wasn't feeling too hungry after my crying session so I went on my phone to check my photo's comments. Most were saying congrats and then there was a particular one that caught my eye.
#Talex forever
I wasn't dumb, I knew what Talex was. Some people viewed it as a friendship and then there was the extreme side that thought we should date. I always chuckled at their thoughts, but today it struck a chord with me.
I live through pictures as if I was right there by your side
I clicked on the highlighted hashtag and began scrolling through the various pictures and videos with some of our best moments. Whether it was a really good play we assisted each other with or random photos of us celebrating or just relaxing together. In one of the pictures I saw how Alex looked at me as if nothing in the world matter. I could see the love in her eyes for me, but I knew it stopped at friendly love. Though I couldn't help but see the videos where her touches lingered on me. One video in particular was of when she had scored and I ran up to her, enveloping her in a hug while she dragged her hand up the bottom part of my back. I went back to my comments and more of the Talex comments popped up, saying they still believed. I smiled woefully and switched off my phone, no longer wanting to wallow in self-pity.
But you'll be good without me and if I could just give it some time
I saw Alex and Servando walking down the beach ahead of me and decided to take a picture of them. I captioned it "LOVE 12.31.14" as a silent defeat to myself and to everyone who thought me and Alex still had a chance. I sighed and put my phone in my jacket pocket. Looking back at my table, I saw everyone laughing and chatting together. It was nice to see all my teammates having a good time. From the table, I noticed Kelley smiling at me, gesturing with her hand to come to the table. I walked back, holding her hand and sat down. Neither of us let go and Kelley just gave me a shy smile. Smiling back, I knew everything was going to work out.
I'll be alright