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“How much longer, Taehyung-ah? I’m an old man, my legs hurt.”
“Shut up, you’re at a blooming age! We’re almost there.”
Taehyung swung their clasped hands back and forth between them, brought Seokjin’s whole arm up and down, added fuel to his whining.
“Go on without me… And remember…”
Seokjin pretended to gasp for air, free hand reaching out ahead. Taehyung’s face contorted and his body shook with a false sob, immediately jumping aboard his goofiness.
“The treasure is hidden in the… Ugh!”
Both uttered their silly inside joke about dramatic movie character deaths, stuck their tongues out at the same time to complete the tragic scene, then burst out laughing in the middle of the street. Taehyung stepped into Seokjin’s space to elbow his ribs, and Seokjin returned the courtesy by shoving him away with his shoulder.
“Seriously, hyung. You’re not old.” He had his serious voice on now, eyes lowered to their feet. Left, right, left, right, together.
Seokjin rolled his eyes, a lingering smile on his face. “Yoongi told me the same thing on the phone this morning, but it seemed like he was trying to convince himself more than me.”
“His birthday is coming too, that’s right.” Taehyung nodded, mind wandering. “Crazy how time flies.”
Seokjin didn’t need a penny for his thoughts. He remembered Yoongi’s last birthday just as fondly. It had been the beginning of them.
He gave Taehyung’s hand a squeeze. Almost a whole year of ups and downs. Way more ups, reaching stratospheric heights, and way less downs, more like bouts of introspection, silent battles one couldn’t protect the other from regardless of how much their bond deepened with each passing day. Having Taehyung by his side made Seokjin breathe easier, and he knew, by the way Taehyung smiled at him and squeezed his hand back, that the feeling was mutual.
“Yours comes first, though! I hope I can find a restaurant as good as the one you picked for tonight.”
Food dates had been their thing from the beginning, and on the evening of Seokjin’s birthday, they couldn’t have agreed on a different celebration. Taehyung had picked the place and Seokjin was told only to wear his favorite clothes and follow his boyfriend’s lead.
Taehyung let out a bashful chuckle. “You know the food doesn’t really matter, right?”
Seokjin slowed down his steps so Taehyung could walk past him, then pulled him back until their bodies collided. Taehyung gasped softly, a wide grin glowing on his face. Seokjin loved pulling these little stunts to make him smile, addicted to how happiness looked on him. Their faces were so close Seokjin could see nothing but his eyes; all the stars sparkling in them put the Milky Way to shame.
“Right,” he murmured, tucking some strands of Taehyung’s dark brown hair peeking from under the beret behind his ear.
Taehyung’s eyelids fluttered shut before his lips touched Seokjin’s, a much welcome remedy against the cold that crept under their coats. When they parted, a healthy blush had tinged Taehyung’s cheeks. The world around them seemed more colorful as well, but that, Seokjin had long learned, was merely a side effect of loving Taehyung.
“We’re here.”
It took Seokjin a moment to break the spell Taehyung’s mouth had cast on him. He blinked a few times before raising his eyes to read the name of the restaurant in front of them.
It always happened when he was not expecting it. Without his consent, thick water vines sprung from his personal riverbed and wrapped around his ankle to pull him from among the clouds into the dark, freezing currents they called home. His stomach twisted, a jolt of terror washed over him. It was probably a false alarm, but it was enough of a trigger to drain his joy for a split second.
“What’s wrong?” Taehyung asked, big, round eyes trained on his face. Seokjin swallowed the bitterness that climbed up his throat and released the air he’d unconsciously held.
“Nothing. It’s beautiful.” He forced himself to make eye contact with Taehyung and did his best to deliver a convincing smile. “Let’s go inside, I’m starving.”
They walked in and were escorted to their table. Taehyung did all the talking, while Seokjin stole furtive glances all around whenever he wasn’t looking. From ceiling to floor, the place was a display of taste and elegance: minimalist, yet peppered with the right amount of decorative pieces and attention to detail to lure the eye. Almost all tables were taken, to make matters worse. The hush of voices layered with the incessant clinking of glasses and silverware made him dizzy.
Focus on your breath, he heard Namjoon’s voice clear above the noise in his mind. Ground yourself before reacting. Inhale fresh air, exhale your anxiety.
Following the memory of his therapist’s instructions, he repeated the steps a few times: filled his lungs through his nostrils to their maximum capacity, held the air inside for a few seconds, then released it in one long, slow blow through his mouth. It was a mind trick, but it always helped him to visualize the air coming out of him, as if he were literally blowing off some steam. By the time they sat at their table and each was given a menu, his heartbeat had returned to normal.
Taehyung’s polite smile fell as soon as the waiter left. Concern washed over his face when he reached for Seokjin’s hand. “Are you sure you’re okay? Your hands are sweating.”
“My blood pressure must have dropped a bit, but I’m fine now.” Seokjin dismissed his worry with a genuine smile. “Old people stuff, better get used to it.”
He narrowed his eyes and gave Seokjin’s ankle a light kick. “Let me know if you feel anything else, okay?”
They ordered quickly and exchanged remarks on the beauty of the place until Taehyung’s phone interrupted them. He apologized and excused himself to take the call. Seokjin noticed something suspicious about his behavior, but chose to let it slide, still recovering from the wave of negativity that had just taken over him in the middle of a delightful moment.
He was proud of how he’d been able to take the reins of his emotions. Little more than a year ago, he would have run away as soon as the slightest hint of stress presented itself. As a matter of fact, Seokjin would have spent yet another birthday at home (alone, unless Yoongi and Hoseok decided to show up with a cake) if he hadn’t started therapy… If he hadn’t met Taehyung.
He smiled to himself. His heart was soaring again, wondering what kind of surprise Taehyung was concocting for him. They almost never used their phones during food dates, it was like an unspoken rule, so the fact that Taehyung had excused himself to take a call on his birthday was very obvious. It made Seokjin giddy.
He didn’t remember the last time someone had prepared a surprise for him. Last time he’d tried to surprise someone ended up with him clenching his jaw while his ex-boyfriend rambled on about how much he hated surprises and Seokjin should just tell him what gift he’d bought.
(A book, for God’s sake. He’d just bought him a book.)
His heart ached at the recollection of how small and insignificant he’d been made to feel for four years of his life. Four years he could have spent loving the right person instead. Loving Taehyung, and being loved just as much in return.
He cleared his throat, fully inclined to shake off those memories and forget the past. His eyes had been on his lap for the past minute, where his fingers played with the tablecloth. When he lifted them up and looked ahead, however, his peaceful bubble fell apart.
Staring back at Seokjin, mere steps away from his table, stood his ex-boyfriend.
Their eyes met at the same time, one’s shock mirrored on the other’s face.
“Seokjin-ssi?”
That voice. Every muscle below his neck froze.
As if his past and present had decided to sucker punch him simultaneously, a cacophony of familiar voices echoed from behind him.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birth—”
“Stop, stop,” Yoongi’s voice pleaded among the others, silencing the cheerful group.
Seokjin didn’t know how, but the name came out of his mouth, a knee-jerk reaction.
“Yongjae-ssi.”
The man approached his table, gripped the backrest of the chair Taehyung had occupied with both hands. The curious glint in his eyes was unsettling for reasons Seokjin couldn’t pinpoint. Perhaps it was the mortification oozing from his every pore clouding his judgment. Perhaps the memories blurring his vision distorted a perfectly innocent face into a gargoyle, perched up behind that chair with his foul claws staining the purity of Taehyung’s throne.
“What are you doing here?” This time Hoseok’s voice cut through their dome of silence, laced with contempt. He’d witnessed everything Seokjin went through by his side and after they broke up.
“I own this restaurant,” Yongjae replied without looking at him. “I should be asking you this question.”
Shock silenced the others, but Seokjin wasn’t surprised at all. Since he’d recognized the restaurant name, his intuition was screaming, a bad feeling sizzled under his skin. As much as it hurt, as much as it burned his eyes and spirit, Seokjin couldn’t look away. Part of him wanted to believe Yongjae wasn’t actually there, that he was just a figment of his imagination, but now that Hoseok had addressed him, there was no denying the reality of his presence.
“Didn’t I say this place smells like shit when we arrived?” Yoongi scoffed behind Seokjin’s chair, always the graceful one.
“Hyung, don’t, it’s not worth it,” Hoseok murmured. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Birthday meals are on the house,” Yongjae remarked, unbothered by the duo antagonizing him, giving Seokjin his undivided attention. Was that… Hope dancing in his eyes? “Let me treat you to a nice dinner after all these years. I’ve always wondered what you’d think of the food here.”
Imagining Yongjae thinking about him while Seokjin rotted slowly inside his own head almost made him barf.
“Not interested, thanks.” Seokjin felt a hand on his shoulder when Yoongi answered for him. The physical contact seemed to electrify him, jolt him back to life after what felt like years of lethargy. In a way, that’s exactly what had happened. “Let’s go.”
“No.”
Even Yongjae was taken aback when Seokjin spoke, finally standing up and facing the party of five behind his chair. Yoongi and Hoseok were nearer while, a few steps away, Jungkook held the cake and Jimin stood awkwardly next to Taehyung, one hand on his arm.
Taehyung.
He almost backtracked and agreed to leave when their eyes met. Taehyung might have looked calm, even zoned out to others, but Seokjin knew that was the face he wore when he was lost, unsure of what expression to wear, which feelings to externalize.
“There’s something I need to do. Could you give us a second?”
Seokjin wanted to explain, tell them he’d always felt he had to confront that ghost once and for all in order to close that chapter of his life, and now that fate had given him that chance, he had to take it. He wanted to tell them, but couldn’t. If he didn’t send them away soon, he would run out of courage to face that challenge. And Seokjin didn’t want to run away with his tail between his legs; not again, not ever.
“Let’s wait outside,” Taehyung said at last, with a sharp nod to Seokjin. The others hesitated briefly before following his lead. Seokjin stared at his distancing frame until he was out of sight.
Taehyung. His precious, sweet Taehyung, who helped him turn his life upright a little bit more every day, after Yongjae had capsized his boat.
When Seokjin turned around, a pair of hesitant eyes met his.
“May I sit here?” Yongjae asked, pointing at Taehyung’s chair. It felt wrong, but there were no other chairs available. Seokjin nodded. “Thank you.”
Awkwardness kept them quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time. Seokjin wanted nothing more than to speak his mind and flee, but the same anxiety that begged him to say something also had a firm hand over his mouth.
“How have you been?” Yongjae broke the silence after almost half a minute. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”
That was an easy lie. “Fine.”
“Good. That’s really good.”
Seokjin didn’t return the question. He knew the answer. Hearing him say he’d been fine too after breaking his heart would only add more salt to the wound. Yongjae went for small talk again.
“I tried to contact you online, but you disappeared.”
His hands went back to playing with the tablecloth for moral support. A deep breath preceded his reply. Seokjin didn’t know how to be fake, nor was there any reason to sugarcoat it.
“I blocked you.”
Yongjae nodded and looked down. “I thought so. I deserved it. I deserved way worse.”
They were stepping into dangerous territory. Seokjin knew he shouldn’t, but panic took over and he changed the subject.
“So you did it. You opened the restaurant.”
“Yes.” Genuine pride filled Yongjae’s face. “It’s been going very well. Do you like it?”
“It’s very dashing. Especially the name.” Seokjin snorted with a lopsided grin. “Moon.”
Seokjin heard his own voice complete the pun: the food is out of this world. The memory of how he’d come up with that joke when Yongjae fantasized about owning a restaurant flooded his mind. It stung to know he’d carried the plan through without Seokjin, just like everything else in his life; hot tears threatened to fall, but he blinked them away, refused to show the slightest hint of vulnerability. Yongjae gulped, sensing the snark in his compliment.
“I’ve been hoping you’d come since we opened. I figured the name would ring a bell. Didn’t expect you to show up on your birthday, though.”
“I didn’t pick the place. My…” His voice faltered. Boyfriend. Say it. “My friends did.”
Coward.
“Either way, I’m glad I got to see you.” Yongjae licked his lips subtly. “I missed you.”
Seokjin thought he knew what incredulity was until that moment. As life usually does, it proved him wrong. The words escaped his mouth unfiltered.
“I didn’t.”
The reply affected Yongjae visibly, but Seokjin didn’t regret it. Why did he say that? What else did he expect to hear? Had he forgotten he’d been caught in bed with another man?
“I regret what I did to you, so much.” Shame and guilt strained his voice. He couldn’t return Seokjin’s stare. “I thought I knew what I wanted back then. I’m truly sorry for everything.”
Seokjin could barely believe his eyes and ears. How many nights had he cried himself to sleep wishing Yongjae would show up at his place saying those very words, as if they could magically mend his broken trust? Now that he’d heard them, Seokjin felt nothing but sorrow for all of his wasted tears, all that pain he couldn’t control, all the suffering he had gone through.
Ironically, he felt absolutely nothing for the man before him.
He figured that moment could be his big heroic breakthrough. If he forgave his archenemy, he’d walk out of there with his chin up, no hard feelings. But Seokjin, of course, was not a hero. He was just a regular guy trying his best to live instead of surviving. He didn’t want a standing ovation. All he wanted was peace, and he knew that, at that moment, it meant putting himself first and establishing boundaries. Maybe he wasn’t big enough to be the bigger person just yet, and he was okay with that.
In other words: fuck you.
“I appreciate the try, but at this point, I really don’t care.” He made sure to study every inch of Yongjae’s face as he spoke. “I’d be lying if I said otherwise, and you know I don’t do that.”
“Can’t we at least be friends?” His bottom lip quivered. Seokjin had never seen him so small, begging for crumbs.
“No. We can’t. I wish you the best, from the bottom of my heart, but you don’t get to waste another second of my time.”
He got up from his seat and took one last look at Yongjae. Everything in his body trembled, though not out of fear anymore.
It was out of power.
“Goodbye.”
He wobbled away with a feverish look on his face, hair sticking to his damp forehead. He didn’t mind the weird looks he got on his way out. Only one pair of eyes mattered to him.
“Where’s Taehyung?” He panted as soon as he saw the small group of friends waiting outside, and noticed there were only four of them.
“I tried to convince him to wait, but he said he needed some space,” a troubled Jimin replied.
“He didn’t say where he was going?”
Jungkook answered this time. “No, but he promised not to go too far.”
“I have to find him.” He took his phone out of his pocket: no texts, no missed calls. Seokjin ran an unsteady hand through his hair. “I’m sorry for all of this, I had no idea…”
“Did you solve your unfinished business?” Yoongi asked, stopping Seokjin on his tracks. His serene determination was a balm to Seokjin’s frazzled nerves. There were no judgments, no expectations in Yoongi’s eyes, only a deep sense of understanding and empathy. Seokjin locked his jaw and nodded. “Good.”
“We’ll be at Yoongi-hyung’s if you feel like hanging out later,” Hoseok offered, patting Seokjin’s shoulder.
“Thank you. Thank you so much for coming. It really means a lot to me.”
They wished him some hurried happy birthdays while he walked away, already dialing Taehyung’s number. He didn’t know which way to go, neither of them lived in that part of town, but he wouldn’t mind running to the other side of the country as long as he found Taehyung there.
“Please pick up, please…” His voice trembled as much as his legs, yet he kept chanting that mantra, kept walking aimlessly, kept calling him, until a small, tinny voice answered.
“Hey, hyung.”
Seokjin almost screamed. “Where are you?”
“I’m… Not sure. Some stairs.”
Taehyung’s choked reply shattered his heart.
“Stairs?”
“It’s a big house, maybe a museum, I… I don’t know.”
He stopped at a corner, looked to one side, then to the other, gripping the phone so tightly his fingertips went numb. The streets were almost deserted, the temperature kept dropping and there was no sight of Taehyung anywhere. He was about to turn around and try the opposite direction when he spotted a place that matched Taehyung’s vague description, two blocks ahead.
“Don’t move. I’m on my way.”
Please, let this be it, Seokjin begged in his mind, renewed determination quickening his pace.
He found a short lateral stairway that led to a plateau before the main entrance, but it was empty. There was a mirroring structure on the other side; Seokjin ran all the way there, heart beating in his throat, cold sweat dripping down his spine. A sigh of relief left him when he saw a brown coat huddled at the final step. Without another thought, Seokjin went to him and crouched around Taehyung’s back, chin resting on his shoulder, arms trapping Taehyung’s against his torso, each leg folded by one side of his body.
“Found you,” Seokjin whispered amidst erratic breaths, squeezing him in his embrace. Taehyung jumped at first, but relaxed as soon as he recognized his assailant.
“You found me.” He put one hand on Seokjin’s arm, looked over his shoulder. His eyes and face were moist with fresh tears. “I’m… I’m so sorry…”
“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Seokjin held him even tighter, rocked him a little.
“I didn’t know he’d be there.”
“I know, baby. It’s not your fault.” He cupped Taehyung’s cheek with one hand to wipe the wet trails on it. “I’m sorry for asking you to leave us.”
“You needed closure, I understand.” Taehyung sniffled, avoiding Seokjin’s gaze. “That’s not why I’m sad.”
Seokjin’s chest constricted for the unbelievably mature young man he was lucky to have by his side.
“Then why are you sad?”
He hiccuped, then chuckled to himself. “I thought about calling Namjoon-ssi, but it’s Saturday night and he deserves to have a life. Besides, I know exactly what he would say.”
They shared a moment of comfortable, introspective silence until Seokjin chanced to speak for him.
“You were afraid, weren’t you? That I would want to go back to him?”
“Everybody leaves.” Taehyung wiped his nose on his sleeve and looked up. Seokjin’s burning stare on his profile remained ignored. “I know you will too, eventually, and I’d never blame you or hate you for it… But it’s very hard for me to deal with the fact that people must follow their paths without me and that I have to let them go.”
Seokjin let out a pained sigh. He’d hugged Taehyung through a handful of these crises before, but seeing him in that vulnerable state never ceased to hurt.
“Listen to me. You couldn’t explain where you were just now and somehow I still found you. The first time we met, I was about to ditch that appointment, but you reached out for me in the nick of time. The more I think about it, the more I believe our paths keep bringing us together, not apart.” He nuzzled Taehyung’s cheek, eliciting a shy smile. “And I’m not straying from it. For anyone or anything.”
“I know. I know.” Taehyung finally returned his gaze, and even in the poor lighting, Seokjin could see the trust in his eyes, felt his heartbeat slow down under his palm. “I hope you sorted things out with him.”
He hummed in affirmation. “I’m not afraid anymore. I had to face him, see if he really was the monster my mind had made him out to be. I owed that to myself, and to an extent, to you too.”
“And what did you see?”
Seokjin pondered the question for what felt like a long time. Taehyung’s thumb rubbed soothing circles on his forearm all the while.
“I saw a person, like you and me. It doesn’t mean I can forgive him yet, or ever. But I could finally see him for who he is: someone who’s made a mistake, and who’ll have to live with it.” He let out a tremulous laugh. “Maybe the impact will hit me tomorrow and I’ll spend the entire day crying, but tonight all I can feel is relief. I faced him on my own, and I stood my ground.”
Taehyung’s genuine smile scared away what little uncertainties remained in his heart.
“That’s great. I’m so happy for you.”
“I also realized something important. It may sound rude at first, but please, hear me out.”
“I can take it,” he joked, putting on a brave face that Seokjin couldn’t help but laugh at. “Lay it on me.”
Seokjin took a deep breath under Taehyung’s expectant gaze.
“I wouldn’t have made this much progress without Namjoon-ssi’s help, and I know I’ll need it for a long time still. What I found out is that, as important as you are to me, I don’t need you… I want you.” He paused, studying Taehyung’s expression, and only went on after ascertaining there were no clouds over his head. “I could be going through all of this on my own, but I’d rather do this with you. I really fucking want you in my life, to share everything, good and bad. I don’t feel that desperate urge to hide the parts of me you may not like. I don’t have to be perfect around you, I can just be myself, and whatever conflicts arise from there, we’ll handle them and survive, one way or another. And that’s how I know it’s healthy. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
He wondered if Taehyung could feel his heart thrumming against his back. He wasn’t as good at voicing his innermost thoughts, always dreaded his words would be misunderstood, so he always struggled to choose them with care. Taehyung’s unreadable face was almost driving him insane, until a smirk curled up the corners of his lips.
“You realized all of this tonight?” He raised an eyebrow at Seokjin, who resigned to nodding. “Wow, hyung… How did you get so wise in such a short time?”
The thin fog of tension dissolved when Taehyung laughed, like a wave easily destroys the ruins of an abandoned sandcastle. Seokjin smiled, pretended to search his mind for an answer.
“I don’t know! Must be the extra years on my back.” He sat on the step above Taehyung’s and relaxed against the concrete, face contorted in pain after several minutes of horrible posture. “Speaking of my back, I might need a massage later.”
His request was met with wiggling eyebrows. “It’s your birthday, I’ll give you everything you ask.”
Seokjin’s eyes widened at the generous offer. Perhaps he had a thing or two he’d like to try.
“Really?”
Taehyung nodded, facing him and inching closer, running both hands up his chest. He waited until their faces were aligned to speak.
“As long as you stop saying you’re old!”
He gave Seokjin a light push and they laughed at their own silliness. Seokjin held him in his arms, looked right into his smiling eyes. The welcome feeling of flying without wings filled his body with warmth despite the chilly weather.
“Happy birthday.” Taehyung caressed his face with one hand, which received a kiss on its palm. “I’m sorry our surprise celebration didn’t work out.”
“It still might,” Seokjin replied, suddenly remembering what the others had said before leaving. “They went to Yoongi’s. How about you take me there and we start over? I promise I’ll play along.”
Taehyung jumped up so fast it startled him.
“Okay! I’ll text them to settle everything before we arrive!” He offered Seokjin a helping hand to get up too.
“Go on without me…” Seokjin joked, after the second failed attempt to stand. “And remember…”
“Aish!” Taehyung threw his head back in laughter, then gripped both his wrists and pulled him up with all his strength.
“The treasure is right…”
Their bodies crashed together, noses touching, breaths mingled. Seokjin wrapped his arms around his waist in one swift move and attached his lips to Taehyung’s in a surprise kiss, aching to steal a taste of unbridled happiness straight from the source.
“Here.”
He opened his eyes before Taehyung did, watched his teeth worry his shiny bottom lip and smiled so big his cheeks hurt.
“I love you too, hyung.”
They walked to Yoongi’s place together, fingers intertwined and stupid grins all the way. The only shadows on their path were the ones drawn by the city night lights.