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The day Yeonjun suggested the two break up, Soobin was more surprised than he should’ve been. With graduation rearing its ugly head, the messy aftermaths of teen romance were not uncommon. College meant a fresh start, which meant that it was time to cut ties to the past. Soobin was just shocked when his then-boyfriend announced their split. He thought they were different from the rest of their classmates.
They weren’t just dating; they had been close friends since middle school. The two had started dating halfway into their first year of high school and had been inseparable since. So inseparable in fact, that they were even going to the same university. All that considered, Soobin never really thought that breaking up was even on the table. Not once in their conversations about graduating did Yeonjun hint at wanting to break up. In fact, whenever the two talked about their futures, Yeonjun always corrected him to say “our future.” So naturally, Soobin was a bit blindsighted by the whole situation.
Even so, he reluctantly agreed. He figured that in reality, this was the mature thing to do. They would have time to explore different connections and grow as separate people. That sounded like a good opportunity, but every part of it felt wrong. Yeonjun attempted to soften the blow by giving the bullshit spiel: “We can still be friends. We’ll be okay. If we’re meant to be, we’ll find each other again.” He knew it was bullshit, but Soobin still foolishly believed him out of sheer desperation.
This is only temporary , Soobin thought to himself. He had to believe it was temporary, he had to believe that they would come back to each other. Believing otherwise would mean that this was the last time they’d ever be an “us.”
They agreed to stay together until the end of the school year, then part ways once they made it to college. The last few weeks before graduation were painful. They still walked and talked like the loving couple they were, but the dark shadow of the end became more tangible by the day.
Yeonjun outlined rules for their summer break. “No contact, no getting back together. It’ll make it easier, I promise.” Again, Soobin agreed, because he was so sure this was only temporary. He doubted that Yeonjun would even last a week before texting him. And like the good boyfriend he was, Soobin would be there to welcome him with open arms.
On a stuffy July day, the two said goodbye, leaving the traces of “us” in their alma mater.
Message(1)
Yeonjun: omw to you
No matter how many times he got that notification, Soobin’s heart still fluttered at the sight of the other’s name popping up on his screen. He hastily made his bed and started tidying up his dorm, getting ready for Yeonjun’s arrival.
After their contactless summer, the two started a semester of college broken up, their paths wildly different. Where Soobin was anxious to enter the dining hall for the first two weeks, Yeonjun made friends with the majority of the freshman class in the first two days. Yeonjun moved fast, getting out there as much as possible to take his mind off the breakup, while Soobin moved in slow motion, cooped up in his dorm more often than not. It was only natural that because of this, Yeonjun would be the first one to move on.
Soobin didn’t want to be that ex that put down Yeonjun’s new boyfriend. He didn’t know much about Choi Beomgyu, and he seemed like a good guy, but he couldn’t help but hate him. Whenever they crossed paths in the hall, his booming laughter was like nails on a chalkboard to Soobin. Whenever Soobin saw him smile, it made him want to punch Beomgyu in the face. He couldn’t help but hate how happy Beomgyu was, now that he had everything Soobin didn’t.
Much to Soobin’s dismay, the two lasted for the majority of the first semester. But maybe this was good for him. The spring would be different. Maybe he could finally accept Yeonjun’s absence in his life and enjoy their space. Maybe he would’ve, if he signed up for a different biology section.
“Do you want me to ask the professor to switch our lab partners?” Yeonjun hesitantly asked the first day of bio class. It was just their luck; not only did they have the same class, but their lab partners were chosen alphabetically by last name. For the rest of the semester, they were expected to work together in and out of class for hours on end.
“Wh-why would I want that?” Soobin attempted to put on a carefree demeanor, but inside he was praying to every god in existence to smite him on the spot.
“You know… if this is like, weird- ” Yeonjun fidgeted with his hands, eyes flitting side to side. To see Yeonjun like this, awkward and flustered, was very unusual. It baffled Soobin how this boy, who was once a part of every aspect of his life, now sat in front of him like a stranger.
“Why would it be weird?” Soobin asked, his voice a pitch higher. “We’ve both moved on, so…” he trailed off, hoping Yeonjun would believe him.
“Okay,” Yeonjun put his hands up in surrender. “If you’re okay with it,” he shrugged. It wasn’t anything inherently wrong. It was merely the circumstances they landed in. What else could they do?
He heard four rapid knocks on the door. It was him. Soobin quickly patted his hair down, took a breath, and opened the door with a smile. “Hyung!”
It wasn’t anything suspicious at first. They had write-ups to finish, so Soobin offered his dorm as a place to work together after class. Yeonjun was uneasy at first, being alone in a room with Soobin for hours, but that uneasiness quickly faded the more they spent time together over the weeks. They fell into older habits, cracking inside jokes and getting more comfortable with physical closeness. But hugs or leg touches weren’t anything criminal. They were just allowing themselves to be friends again.
As friends, they opened up more about their current personal lives. More specifically, Yeonjun would open up about his relationship with Beomgyu, once Soobin reassured that it would be okay.
“Friends listen to this type of stuff,” Soobin told Yeonjun. “Besides, I know you better than anyone else, hyung. I could help.” He was all too eager to hear Yeonjun divulge the occasional issues he had with his relationship. Some days he’d complain about Beomgyu being too clingy, rolling his eyes at the endless text notifications from him on his phone. Other days he’d rant about how he felt that Beomgyu didn’t understand him at all. And when Yeonjun got too heated up or annoyed, Soobin was right there to hold him until he calmed down.
Study sessions turned into simply spending time together, long after they’ve finished their school work. Based on the hushed phone calls Yeonjun would sometimes make in front of him, Soobin knew that Beomgyu was oblivious as to where his boyfriend actually was. He couldn’t blame him. No matter how innocuous the situation was, if your boyfriend was hanging out with his ex almost daily, you wouldn’t be happy. But it was innocent. They were just hanging out because they hadn’t been able to before. Anyone would miss their best friend if they hadn’t talked in months. It was innocent. Soobin just wanted his best friend back.
That’s what he thought. That’s what he told himself when sitting together on the couch turned into lying together, Yeonjun’s head nestled in between the crook of Soobin’s neck, like muscle memory. That’s what he said when they held hands out of the blue, just for a moment. That’s what he said every time his heart started racing when that damn message from Yeonjun popped up on his screen.
“Yeah, I’m in the library right now, babe. I know, I know, I just- Bio’s kicking my ass right now, so I have to focus. Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you,” Yeonjun would placate the worried voice on the other end. Hearing those last words hurt, but the pain immediately subsided as Yeonjun returned to his place on the couch by Soobin. Soobin thought that maybe the least he could do was let Beomgyu have those sweet empty words. He had the real deal right in front of him.
They never crossed the threshold of “actual” cheating, Soobin justified. They didn’t do anything physically inappropriate together. A lingering stare, or a night where they fell asleep together watching Netflix could be shared between friends.
And yet, those actions felt more intimate than they ever did when they were together. Those short periods of time where they could just enjoy each other in silence became all too precious.
Soobin knew more than anyone else that he was guilty, but could he really be all that bad when Yeonjun just fit so perfectly in his arms?
He loved the moment when Yeonjun entered the door. It felt like he was coming back home after a long day of work, letting the warmth from the outside enter the room. Today was different though.
Soobin quickly patted his hair down, took a breath, and opened the door with a smile. “Hyung!” Soobin greeted Yeonjun. Normally, the older would loudly announce his arrival and make a beeline to the kitchen to grab some snacks. Then, they would cuddle and watch a trashy drama until one of them fell asleep. But today, Yeonjun apprehensively stood in the doorframe, waiting for Soobin to let him in.
“Come inside,” the younger gestured.
“Thanks,” Yeonjun entered, unable to look Soobin in the eye.
“Are you in the mood for a movie or a series?” Soobin asked, scrolling through the selections on the T.V.
“Anything,” Yeonjun halfheartedly answered.
Soobin didn’t think much of it and put on a random film from the Netflix home page. He patted the seat next to him, gesturing for Yeonjun to come over. Slowly, Yeonjun made his way to their spot, leaning into Soobin’s embrace.
The two watched in near silence, as if they were holding their breaths. He hadn’t felt this uncomfortable since the first time Yeonjun came over, but if something was bothering him, he’d open up about it. He decided not to pressure him about it and continued to watch the show, occasionally running his fingers through Yeonjun’s hair.
“I’m gonna break up with Beomgyu,” Yeonjun blurted out. Soobin was glad the other had his head on his chest, so he couldn’t see the grin that broke upon his face.
“I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m always here for you-”
“I’m also stopping this.” Yeonjun sat up, eyes glued to his lap.
“Stopping… the movie? Because we can watch something else-”
“You know what I mean,” the older finally looked Soobin in the face. Soobin finally saw Yeonjun’s puffy eyes, showing telltale signs crying before he came over.
Instinctively, Soobin reached to comfort Yeonjun, rubbing his shoulder. The older shoved him off, pulling away. “Come on,” Soobin weakly scoffed. “What’s there to stop? We’re two, mature adults. We were able to leave the past in the past and still be friends.
“You’re a horrible liar, Soobin.”
“You are too,” the younger’s face grew serious. “You know how I know that? Because I know everything about you.” He took both of Yeonjun’s hands in his. The other gave little resistance, focusing his energy on not crying.
“Who was there when you first rode a bike?” Soobin continued. “Who was there comforting you when your dog died? Who’s been comforting you throughout your relationship with Beomgyu? Me.”
“Soobin-” Yeonjun’s voice broke.
“Hyung, I’ve always been there for you. I’ll always be here for you.” Yeonjun winced at how hard Soobin was grasping onto him. S-so… don’t do anything stupid, o-or anything that you might regret later-”
“I already regret this,” Yeonjun broke free from Soobin’s death grip. “You can’t talk me out of this. I’ve already decided.”
Soobin’s head felt fuzzy after Yeonjun’s exclamation, unsure if he was hearing correctly. “You regret… us?”
“Yes. No,” Yeonjun shook his head, confused. “I mean, I regret doing this to Gyu-”
Soobin rolled his eyes. “What does he have to do with this?” he said, a little too bitterly.
Yeonjun furrowed his eyebrows, glaring at Soobin. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he said, almost seething. “He’s my boyfriend, and I love him-”
“Then why have you been with me all this time?” Soobin shot back.
Yeonjun’s face fell, at a loss for words. “It was a mistake,” he muttered.
“Can you really say that?” Soobin asked, hurt.
“Yeah, I can.” There was a pause. “I’m trying to fix what I did. I’m sorry,” Yeonjun pushed himself on his feet and made his way to the door. Soobin didn’t notice the silent tears racing down his face as Yeonjun walked away from him.
“I love you,” Soobin cried out. He knew he was playing dirty. He knew it wasn’t fair to pull out that card, but he meant it. He needed to do everything in his power to keep the other from walking out that door for good. Yeonjun stopped in his tracks and looked regretfully back at him.
“I love you too, Soobin,” he said, anguish laced in his voice. “Of course, I love you too. I also love Beomgyu. Because I love both of you, I have to do this. You guys deserve more than half a partner-”
“I don’t fucking care.” Soobin cut him off. “I don’t care how much or how little I have of you. As long as I have you, I-I’ll be okay. Yeonjun, I just need you, okay?”
“You know that’s not true,” Yeonjun gave a melancholy smile. “We were never going to be satisfied with just parts of each other.”
“Yeonjun, please. Please, don’t leave me,” Soobin begged. “I can’t do this again. The desperation in his voice almost made him sick. Who the hell was Choi Yeonjun, and how on earth did he have the power to reduce Soobin to a pleading mess?
“I’m so fucking sorry. I never wanted to hurt you,” Yeonjun softly apologized. Soobin’s heart dropped when he heard the sincerity in his voice. His mind was made up. Soobin looked into Yeonjun’s eyes only to see them glazed over, shutting out the rest of the world.
“Well, you did. So now what,” Soobin conceded, looking away from the older. He waited until he heard the distinct click of his door closing. Any anger or frustration that he had felt just a minute ago had left him, leaving him cold, alone.