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At age five, Heidi dropped Evan off at the Kleinman’s for the first time.
Evan was terrified. The Kleinman daughters are four years older than him and didn’t want to play with a baby, despite their mother popping Evan into their room and telling them to behave. He ran when they suggested giving him a makeover, intent on finding Mrs. Kleinman and begging her to call his mom, when he ran face-first into Jared.
“Ow,” Jared said, to which Evan burst into tears.
Jared has never been good with words, and five years old was no exception. But he sat against the wall and kind of just watched Evan cry until Evan wiped his nose with the back of his hand and said, “sorry.”
“I’m Jared,” Jared offered.
“M-my name’s Ava,” Evan replied.
“Ava,” Jared repeated, like he was trying it out. “My sisters are gross. Do you wanna be my friend instead?”
Ever since that day, Evan and Jared have been best friends. Jared was the second person Evan told he was transgender, Jared gave Evan his name (“Av” turned to “Ev” turned to “Evan”, and that made Evan feel good), Jared went with Evan to get his first t shot, Evan was the first person to know Jared’s gay, Jared does some kind of shady shit to make sure they have all the same classes together. Evan doesn’t think there’s been a time since they were five years old that he’s gone more than 24 hours without seeing Jared. And yet.
In the past twelve years, Evan has never seen Jared’s soulmark.
To be fair, Evan’s never showed Jared his either. It’s a small heart in the crease of his elbow, but Evan’s almost always wearing a hoodie, and if Jared’s seen it, he hasn’t commented. And anyway, it would be weird to randomly offer that up. How would he even say it? “Hey, Jared, wanna see my elbow?” Yeah, no. That’s the kind of shit that gives Evan nightmares.
But Jared’s different. Jared has no problem speaking up, saying what he wants to say, even if it’s weird, even if it’s occasionally problematic. Jared is the last person Evan would expect to have an issue sharing his soulmark.
Meaning he probably has a good reason. Meaning Evan should probably respect his best friend’s privacy and not pry.
“Or you could just ask him,” Zoe reasons.
They’re leaning against her car, waiting for Connor to come out of the school so that she can drive them all to the Murphy’s. Evan doesn’t know exactly what’s taking Connor so long, but when he walked past Connor’s English class earlier, Connor and Mrs. Chambers were having an impassioned discussion about Shakespeare’s sexuality, so he assumes it has something to do with that.
“I can’t just ask him!” Evan says, to which Zoe rolls her eyes. She pulls out her phone and Evan can see her typing out a ‘where are u, loser?’ to Connor. “What am I supposed to say? ‘Hey, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’?”
“Uh, yeah, why not?” Zoe asks. In the distance, Evan can see Connor approaching them. “He’s your best friend, dude. He’s not gonna be weird about it.”
“ Romeo and Juliet wasn’t written for a man, my ass,” Connor mutters as he approaches them. They all pile into Zoe’s car - Evan in the passenger’s seat, Connor in the back. Friend privileges, Zoe says.
“What is Jared gonna be weird about?” Connor asks as Zoe pulls out of the school parking lot. Evan hadn’t been aware Connor could hear their conversation; his face flushes.
“Nothing,” Evan answers at the same time Zoe says: “Evan’s never seen Jared’s soulmark.”
Connor snorts. “You’ve never seen Jared’s soulmark?” he asks. “Haven’t you been friends for, like. A million years?”
“Twelve,” Evan corrects. “And it’s just. Never come up. I don’t know. I didn’t think it was weird.” He twists around to face Connor. “I’ve never seen your soulmark, for instance.”
Connor rolls his eyes. “Yeah, that’s because I’ve been your-” here, he uses air quotes, “-’friend’ for about 30 seconds.” Which isn’t true. Connor’s been Evan’s friend for a couple of months, at least.
Connor pulls back his sleeve just enough for Evan to see his wrist, where he has a small four leaf clover. “And now you have.” Connor pulls his sleeve back down and then says, “can I see yours?”
Evan feels his face flush even more. It isn’t really a normal thing to go around and ask people to see their soulmarks, but he supposes he has just seen Connor’s, and fair is fair. He rolls his sleeve up and holds his arm out for Connor.
“Cute,” Connor intones. He slouches back in the seat like he’s done something great. He’s not wearing a seatbelt, but Evan knows it would be a little pointless to try and get him to. “That’s how you ask Jared.”
Evan huffs out a breath as he turns to face the road again. “It’s not that simple.”
“It’s not that simple,” Zoe mocks without malice. “Whatever, dude. You wanna stop for Sonic?” Connor groans in the back. “I’ll make you walk home, Connor, I swear to God.”
-
Jared laughs when he picks Evan up from school the next morning. “Dude, you look like shit.”
“Gee, thanks,” Evan says. He clambers into Jared’s truck and drops his backpack at his feet. Jared’s not wrong; Evan had meant to shower this morning, but he slept through his alarm, and had barely finished putting his shoes on when he got a text from Jared that just read: here bitch .
Jared waves to Heidi, who’s just getting back from a night shift, and pulls out of the driveway. “So what’s up?” he asks. “Stay up all night writing Zoe Murphy erotica?”
Evan wasn’t, obviously, but he’s not sure ‘I spent all night obsessing over your soulmark’ would sound any less creepy. “Ha ha,” he intones. He slumps back against the chair and adds, “just couldn’t sleep.”
Jared casts a concerned glance over at Evan; Evan can’t quite meet his eyes. “You taking your meds?” Jared asks when he turns back to the road.
“Yup,” Evan answers. He doesn’t think he would be able to have this conversation without imploding sans the help of Zoloft.
Jared seems like he has something else to say, but he drops it. “Heidi working tonight?” he asks instead.
“Yup,” Evan answers again. He picks at his nails and adds, “She got DiGiorno’s so I don’t have to actually talk to someone.”
Jared’s lips turn up in a small smile. “I will never understand you,” he says. Someone behind Jared honks and Jared flips them off, rolls down the window to yell, “fuck you, asshole!” before he goes through the light. Evan’s cheeks turn bright red in second-hand embarrassment. Jared, as predicted, does not give a shit. He’s stupidly untouchable while driving.
“Anyway,” Jared says. “You wanna come over my house instead? My mom’s making matzah ball soup and I know how much you love that shit.”
Sometimes, Evan forgets that Jared’s Jewish too. “Uh, yeah, sure,” he answers. “I was gonna take a shower when I got home but,”
Jared scoffs. “Dude, I have a shower.”
Evan’s not sure that anyone would believe him if he told them how sweet Jared is. Behind snarky comebacks and layers of irony he’s all matzah ball soup and making sure Evan takes his meds and letting Evan use his shower. He never pokes fun at things Evan’ll actually get upset about, like his gender or the fact that some days are so bad that he can’t even get out of bed, so bad that Jared has to drive over and just rub Evan’s back and let him cry it out. He has a little text thread with Heidi where he checks if she wants him to pick up Evan’s meds.
Evan only realizes he’s been staring when Jared gives him a look. “What?” Jared asks.
“Nothing,” Evan answers, his face flushed. He looks away so quickly he’s shocked it doesn’t hurt.
Jared shakes his head fondly. “You’re bizarre,” he mutters as he turns into the school parking lot. He parks crooked (“Gays can’t park, Ev, it’s a fact of life”) and then turns to Evan. “How hard do you think we’re gonna get tortured today?”
Evan smiles back. “I don’t know,” he muses. “You’re pretty insufferable.”
Jared laughs. “You’re an asshole, Evan Hansen.”
-
Evan turns when he feels something hit the back of his head. He picks it up (it’s a pencil topper eraser) and turns to find Connor looking at him expectantly. “Hey,” Connor whispers. He leans forward just enough to be heard. “You have the notes?”
Evan would usually be anxious to be sharing notes in class, but he’s fairly certain that Connor could have a circus in the back row and their teacher wouldn’t notice. As is, she’s scrolling through her phone at the front of the row, hushed conversation happening throughout the classroom as people study together.
“Thanks,” Connor mutters when Evan hands him his notebook. He starts scribbling down notes and adds, “you’re not subtle, by the way.”
Evan furrows his brow. “What do you mean?” he whispers back.
Connor rolls his eyes. He motions with his paper towards the front of the room. Evan follows his gaze to Jared, who’s flicking through a copy of Moby Dick , occasionally stopping to write notes in the margin. “You’ve been staring at him all day.”
Evan flushes. “What?” he turns back to face Connor, who’s copying Evan’s notes like he hasn’t said something absurd. “No I haven’t.”
Evidently, he’s too loud. “Mr. Hansen,” their teacher calls, to which all eyes turn to Evan. “Quiet study time, please.”
Evan feels his entire body heat more, if possible. “S-sorry,” he mutters. Their teacher turns back to their phone, and the hushed conversations begin again. Evan’s phone buzzes in his pocket.
JARED
u ok?
EVAN
Yeah, I’m fine
Connor’s just being mean /lh
JARED
lol when is he not
Connor looks over Evan’s shoulder and rolls his eyes. “He texts you to make sure you’re okay after the teacher tells you off?” He holds out Evan’s notebook. “That’s gay.”
Evan snatches back his notebook. “That’s not gay,” he defends. “That’s friendship.”
“Not like I would know,” Connor teases. “Considering I’m mean to you.” Evan doesn’t answer, but Connor rolls his eyes anyway. “Relax, I’m fucking with you.” He leans forward so his elbows are on his knees. “So anyway, did I tell you that Rich Goranski did the weirdest shit to me in the bathroom?”
-
Evan knows Connor was messing with him about Jared, trying to get a rise out of him. But the thing is, he can’t stop thinking about it. He thinks about it when Jared drives him home from school, singing along obnoxiously to Evan’s playlists just to make Evan laugh. He thinks about it in the shower, when he gets out to find Jared’s laid out a towel. He thinks about it over dinner, where Jared’s mom keeps filling his bowl and calling him too skinny, when Jared laughs and teases him about it too.
And he’s still thinking about it laying next to Jared in bed, Jared fast asleep next to him.
Sleeping in the same bed isn’t new to him. Jared has an air mattress, but he’s often too lazy to get it out and plug it in, and Evan would probably die if he fell asleep on the couch, in perfect view of the kitchen, where one of the Kleinmans could just stare at him while he slept. Jared’s bed is big enough, anyway, that they don’t have to touch.
It’s so stupid, because Evan doesn’t have a crush on Jared. Jared’s his best friend. Sure, he’s the funniest person Evan knows, but that doesn’t mean anything. And he’s objectively attractive, pretty eyes and fluffy hair and nice arms. He’s kind to Evan, but that’s just what friends do. It doesn’t mean anything that Evan wants to spend every waking minute with Jared. It doesn’t mean anything that Jared’s mom considers him a second son. And it doesn’t mean anything that his heart’s beating faster now as his eyes flick across Jared, from where his hair is a mess against the pillow, to where his chest rises and falls as he sleeps, to his lips, parted as he breathes in and out and-
Oh shit.
Evan, in a moment of pure terror at the sudden realization that he’s in love with his best friend, jerks up. Unfortunately, he underestimates how close his hand is to Jared, and he accidentally grazes Jared, pulling his shirt up a bit. It exposes the skin on Jared’s hip, where in the glow of the moonlight, Evan can see his soulmark, in the shape of a small heart.
A small heart. Oh shit!
As if solely to torture Evan, that’s the moment Jared decides to stir. “Ev?” he mutters.
Once, Dr. Sherman showed him a video of a gazelle. “See,” Dr. Sherman said. “People think it’s just fight or flight, but that’s not true. Sometimes, we can get stuck in fear.” In the video, the gazelle noticed people filming it; it went still, like Jurassic Park logic would be able to save it from a theoretical foe.
Evan feels a little bit like that gazelle right now. He and Jared stare each other down for what feels like a full minute, but is likely only a couple of seconds. “Evan, hey,” Jared says. He reaches out for Evan’s hand, and that’s when flight takes over and Evan bolts.
Jared chases him down the stairs, yelling his name. Evan’s aware that they’re probably waking up Jared’s entire family, but he can’t bring himself to care. He doesn’t even grab his shoes, just runs out the door. Jared doesn’t follow him outside, but yells from the doorway, “Evan! Evan, what the fuck are you doing?”
Evan’s house isn’t far from Jared’s, so it’s not long before he’s at the house. He doesn’t have his key, so he just bangs on the door. His mom, still dressed in scrubs as if she just got home, answers the door. “Evan?” she says. “What’s happening? Jared just sent me a text that says you ran off.”
Evan breathes out, “he’s my soulmate,” and then promptly bursts into tears.
“Oh honey.” Heidi gets Evan in the house and wraps him up in a hug. “Baby, you’re freezing.” She walks him over to the couch and sits him down. Evan feels a little ridiculous, sobbing his eyes out, but he can’t stop. “I’ll get you a blanket, hold on.”
By the time Heidi returns with a blanket and a cup of tea, Evan’s managed to calm down a bit, his sobs turning to sniffles and hiccups. “Thank you,” he mutters as his mom hands him the tea. She drapes the blanket around his shoulders and sits next to him on the couch so they’re facing each other.
Heidi takes one of Evan’s hands in her own and squeezes. “So what happened?” she asks.
Evan tells her everything. He tells her about his obsession with seeing Jared’s soulmark, Connor’s teasing about the crush he didn’t know he had, his realization that he’s in love with Jared, and the fact that he and Jared have the same soulmark.
Heidi listens patiently to the entire thing, and then fixes Evan with a soft smile. “I don’t see how that’s a bad thing,” she says gently. “Jared’s your best friend.”
“Yeah but,” Evan sniffles, his hands shaking where they grip the cup of tea. “What if he doesn’t like me?”
The weight of the words is enough to send Evan into another fit of tears. “Baby.” She takes the cup of tea from him, puts it on the side table, and then wraps him up in a hug, his head against her chest as he cries. “It’s okay, baby. Your mom’s got you.”
Evan isn’t quite sure how she does it, but somehow Heidi manages to coax him into bed. She tucks him in like he’s a little kid again and then sits, leans over so she can kiss his head. “Do you want me to stay with you?” she asks.
Evan kind of does, but his mom looks exhausted after her shift, and it doesn’t feel fair that he’s 17 and she has to deal with his shit. “I’m okay,” he says.
Heidi gives him a soft smile, reaches down to squeeze his hand. “Okay,” she says. She stands up and walks towards the door. “I’ll leave my bedroom door open if you need me,” she says, and then she closes the door, leaving him all alone.
Evan curls into a body pillow, buries his face in it. He knows he’ll have to face Jared eventually, but for now he’s too tired to think about it. He closes his eyes and falls into a dreamless sleep.
-
Evan wakes up to his bedroom door slamming open.
He shoots up in bed, just to make eye contact with Jared. Jared looks insane, his eyes wide, his hair a mess on top of his head. “You, you,” Jared says, wagging a finger at Evan.
Evan’s a little too shocked to be anxious. Heidi peaks her head out of her bedroom, looks down the hall at the two of them. “What’s happening?” she asks. “Jared?”
Jared turns to her, gives her what Evan assumes is supposed to be a reassuring smile, but actually makes him look a little bit manic. “You can go back to sleep,” he says. He holds up a bag; Evan hadn’t even processed Jared was holding a bag. “I’m just bringing Evan’s things back.”
Heidi turns from Jared to make eye contact with Evan. Evan shrugs, and she shakes her head. “Okay,” she says. “Let me know if you need me?”
“Okay,” Evan answers.
As soon as Heidi goes back into her bedroom, closing the door this time, Jared turns his attention towards Evan, his smile dropped. “Here’s your shit.” He throws the bag onto Evan’s bed, but before Evan can even look in it, he says, “let me see it.”
Evan feels his blood run ice cold. “S-See what?” he stutters, even though he knows exactly what Jared’s talking about.
“See what?” Jared mocks. “Your soulmark, asshole. Let me fucking see it.”
Evan doesn’t really know what to do. He can’t say no , because then Jared will know they have the same mark. And he can’t say yes, because if he does, Jared will see it, and he’ll know that they have the same mark. Either way, Jared’s going to know that they have the same mark, and that they’re soulmates, and then he’ll probably be disgusted and never want to talk to Evan again because Evan’s a human disaster and he can’t imagine anyone ever being happy to be stuck with him.
Evan thinks back to the gazelle, and he pulls his sleeve back.
Jared just stares at it. Evan’s never really seen Jared at a loss for words, but he is now. “Evan,” Jared breathes. He reaches forward to touch the mark, reverently, swipes his thumb over it as if to make sure it’s real.
Evan opens his mouth to say something, anything, so he isn’t just sitting there like an idiot, but before he can get any words out, Jared says, “can I kiss you?” in a rush, like the words surprised him too.
Evan doesn’t know how to reply, and Jared pulls back at his silence. “I mean, if you don’t want to-”
Evan cuts him off, surges forward to connect their lips in a kiss. Jared kisses him back, brings up a shaky hand to rest on Evan’s cheek. One of Evan’s hands goes to Jared’s hip, right over his soulmark, and Evan squeezes gently. Jared sighs, scoots closer.
Jared’s the first one to pull back. Evan whines softly, leans forward to kiss Jared again, but Jared holds him back with a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Give me a minute, Evan, Jesus,” he says.
Jared leans his forehead against Evan’s, his eyes bright as he smiles. “So you’re my soulmate, huh?” he asks.
Evan smiles too, something goofy. “Guess so,” he answers.
“God, that sucks,” Jared whispers without malice, and Evan laughs as Jared pulls him into another long kiss.
END