Chapter Text
.
.
.
“I’m lonely in places, I didn’t know existed inside me.”
-Nikita Gill
.
.
.
“Hyung? Are you not bored with these?” Byeong In tilts his head for a spilt second from the document that he’s been reading, just to get a look of his cousin expression. But then he look down again, didn’t even bother to respond and pursue to keep double checking the document to ensure no mistake were made.
“Hyung, you’ve been checking that document more than 3 times. Are you not bored?”
Byeong In still lock in his document, “There’s no harm in checking it more.”
Hwan sigh in desperation. He is not here just to deal with his cousin checking his work for the milllionth times. Hwan know, since the rebellion, his cousin has been putting himself in a pile of works. He just couldn’t get why he’s doing it vigorously.
He’s definitely losing his mind. A month ago he almost lost his life, but his ambitious side didn’t even fade for a bit.
There are too many things that Hwan don’t understand regarding his hyung. Really the opposite of his hyung, who understands him without any questions.
Byeong In is not annoyed by Hwan presence. Even though he never admit it, but he really appreciate his little cousin. He may seem so naïve and slow witted, but only this kid that treat him as friend and family-beside Soyong of course. The other family members however, have never done that. Despite all the effort and achievement, for them he’s merely debt payment. Sold to pay off his ‘father’ piled up debt, then adopted just to be shaped as their pawn. Such a trash. Luckly, those old bastards finally get what the punishment that they deserve.
“Wah hyung, have you realized how quiet this family estate is?” Byeong In know Hwan is slow witted, but this is a bit extreme to ask. It’s obvious, when the rebellion ended, their family who’s done too many bad deeds finally got caught and almost everyone in their family who were involved, ended up in a jail. Well, they caught due to the trap he arranged. It was a simple act of signing in a parchment, but evident enough to put those old bastards in their right place. The king ensure the public, that he will make those people suffer and rott in their cell. Byeong In maybe don’t have respect over him, but that king decision for that old bastards really making him feel relief.
“Are you testing me or are you just blind?” Byeong In hissed, Hwan is smart boy but why all the things that come out of him sometimes didn’t represent that.
“I know that. But you know, our estate has never been in this condition for long. Are you okay with that?”
Honestly, Byeong In realized that. Due to the corruption and nepotism activity their family has perpetuated, their estate was always filled with people and riches. Every night they would discuss their plan to ensure their authority or taking opportunities to corrupt. It’s terrifying how these discussions become a normal thing in their household. But what Byeong In right to say that? Because in the end, he too got involved with those activity.
It’s no wonder if Byeong In feel lonely. All his friends are in jail because they got to involved in these matter. Either it’s related to authority or corruption act. Long time ago, rather than being ashamed to what they do, all his friends would show off their authority or wealthiness. Byeong In never brag about stuff like that, as deep down he knows all the thing his family done are horrible. He knows what it feels like to be robbed by the authority, that’s why he feel ashamed. Even when he finally become part of that rottenness, he was never proud of it. But he had priority, and to achieve that he would fight it, no matter how dirty the road is. So he keep his shame far from his concern, to be able to keep standing on those shameful road.
“How about you? When will you be back to the palace?” Hearing that Hwan pout his mouth, dissapointed with his cousin remark.
“Don’t kick me out to early, Hyung. It’s hard you know to take some day off these days. I only take my day off to see you because I know you’ll be lonely in here.”
Byeong In exhaled, taking a look to his little cousin who’s pouting and looking down. He never change huh. Hwan maybe naïve, but he is sincere and kind. It’s still a big question how this kid come from the same family like those corrupted old bastards. Like, look at him now. Coming to estate where his cousin is, to check on him so he won’t be lonely, while also having piled up work in the palace.
“Thank you, Hwan.”
The boy turn his head fast, with bright smile on his face, “Then hyung, let’s go! We go out right now!” in fast and full spirit, Hwan lift Byeong In’s hand. Before Byeong In even able to answer or respond to him.
“He-hey ya! I’m not yet agreeing to anything, do you hear me!?”
Hwan still smiling-looking dumb, still dragging Byeong In out from his office. This rascal. “Oh come on, hyung! You said that you thank me, how about treating me something to pay for your gratitude. I really can’t stand this estate any longer, so let’s go!”
.
.
.
Byeong In should’ve guess it would end up like this. Of course Hwan would take him outside to have drink together. Since it’s the only entertainment they could get as two brothers in their high prime. Byeong In can withstand his alcohol well, but Hwan? Don’t ask, this rascal alcohol resistance was weak. Weaker than any men around their age. What am i hoping anyway?
As their walk to go back to the estate, Byeong In drag Hwan’s limp body. Walking slowly trying not to stumble anything, while dealing with Hwan nonstop chattering. Byeong In don’t pay his attention much to his words, Hwan to drunk to compose well proper word to be understand. Well until-
“Hyung-hyung. Hyung-nim!” Hwan scream as he craddle Byeong In’s body close. Byeong In clear his throat in response.
“You know! The Queen and I are really worried about you!” startled, Byeong In almost lost his balance while holding Hwan.
“What?”
“I’m worried, and the Queen feel the same too.”
Soyong. Byeong In not yet ready to meet her. The last time they met, his blood covering her hands. He also still remember her stares, full of worry and fear, as they run to find the King. Just before Byeong In lose his consciousness, they finally found the man that they seek. That was his last memory with Soyong, before waking up in rebelion camp deep inside the forest.
“Hyung-nim~ When will you go to the palace? The Queen and King are waiting for you, do you know that?”
Byeong In frown, bit surprise. He didn’t expect that king also waiting for him.
“His Highness want to show his gratitude to you. But due to his piled-up duty, he can’t meet you. So he wait for your presence instead.”
Hearing that, make Byeong In look more like a loser. The real reason why he was reluctant to go to the palace is because of his embarassment. He didn’t deserve any of their mercy. Even after what he has done. Still, the mercy that they give to him shake his dignity. He supposed to receive the same punishment as his other family member. Or to the least he manage to fullfiled what he wanted, sacrificing his life to the person he most cherished.
But deep down, he also want to go to the palace so bad. He want to make sure Soyong condition, ensure that she’s safe and well. But-
“I don’t know,” in hopeless he respond. Too perplexed with his own mind that inconsistent with what he actually want. He was indeed just a coward in the end.
Hwan try to stand still, he feel so dizzy and it make him realize how drunk he is. But at least now, he’s conscious enough to think. He really is worried. Byeong In is not in his usual self. His hyung, that he knows, is someone who’s assertive, not over the cloud like this. He also someone who care about the Queen’s wellbeing. If he’s in his usual self, he would take this opportunity in a heartbeat, but he didn’t. Hwan now much more convince he sucks at understanding his older cousin.
“Whatever, i just want you to know I worried about you. You overwork yourself too much hyung! I even heard from uncle you finished documents that at least need a year to completed-*hiccup*! Are you nuts?! Take a rest hyung, only a month pass by when you almost lost your life-*hiccup*”
Ah, right. It’s been a month when he almost lose his life. Sound terrifying, but look at him now still breathing and alive.
“Hyung, find a hobby. So when I leave you alone to work in the palace i have a peace of mind.”
Hobby. It doesn’t sound bad to consider. His work as day pass by keep getting less and less. He know at the end of the week his work will be all complete, and finally he will get free time. As what Hwan suspected it, yes he’s lonely. The loneliness slowly eating him away, torturing him to the point of making it hard to fall asleep. Now his mind also trying to drown him. Well, having a hobby doesn’t sound so bad, but what hobby?
“You know my hobby is to spar, Hwan. But now no one i know can be my opponent and you no help either,” Byeong In can’t help but grumbled his thought out loud.
“There are other Hobbies, hyung-nim! You know, you could try to read a novel-*hoeeeek*” just before Hwan manage to finish his sentence, he vomit.
“Ya Hwan! Aishhh, this rascal-” Byeong In pat Hwan’s shoulder slowly, as the boy bow himself releasing his inside at the side of the road. The sound of someone vomitting can be heard clearly in this lonely night. How pathetic.
For an instant, Byeong In pull his mind away from the said hobby that he need to have. Now he have to drag Hwan away, before this boy vomit all over the pavement.
.
.
.
“Soyong!!”
Byeong In wake in a shock. Drenched with his own sweat and nightmare that still linger inside his mind. His breath labor in hurry, making him almost forgot how to breath properly for a moment. He glance his surrounding, reaching anything in his reach just to feel anything, trying to ground his senses.
His tears trailing through his cheek, as he shake his head in frustation. Why does this dream always came to him? Why this misery still linger in him?
The chase came to him again. Where he and Soyong ran for their life, in his nightmare it ended badly. In one night, Soyong is the one that didn’t make it. The other dream, as bad as the first one, he is the one who didn’t make it.
There is other dream too. When he chase Soyong when she ran from Oktaejong. This time he was late, finding her seconds away than he actually is. He found her there, in a pool of her own blood, and he was hopeless. Byeong In only can cry and scream in desperation, knowing how in the end he can’t do anything.
“When will this stop?!” he scream in frustration. Thanks to this haunted and quite estate, he can scream as much as he want. At least this he can do.
Byeong In cradle himself, as he gripped the blanket in pain while his other hand hitting his head. His tears still flowing nonstop.
If his father-whoever his father is-he definitely will whip him. It scares Byeong In that the feeling still linger, even after knowing that bastard now is in jail. He still remember it clearly the whip and hit that he got when he cry. Dulling his body but traumatizing his memory endlessly. If he won’t stop crying or when he done wrong, he sometimes had to take another punishment. Putting him inside a small shed, with no window and light source for days. The feeling of hopelessness and frustration taking over him, and it’s still a wonder why this even happening. This fucking nightmare, I’m not even in a shed. Byeong In is so done with all of this. He want it to stop.
Then he remember long time ago, he manage to survive his nightmare. Due to his determination and hardwork, people finaly accept him after they get what they expect him to be. And he withstand those horrible traumatizing stuff because -Soyong’s smile.
It calm him, lift him up from his fear and despair. He reminisce those days, where Soyong would take his hand around the market. As she speak everything, with laugh and happiness. She who accept him, who nurture him with affection as she cradled him when he finally out from his confinement. Feeding him with food as she smile and try to lift up his spirit. Then ensuring him to take some rest. She smile all the way, warming Byeong In’s heart.
She who condones him, as he feel the affection and appreciation she offer. It feels incredible-to him who lack of all those small things.
If only for her smile he live, he will fight for it till the end.
-but now,
He can’t even see that smile again.