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The night was cool but warmth hung gently in the air, inviting. In the darkness the moon dazzled in all its glory, flashes of brilliant whites and peeking through a conspicuous gentle hint of pink. Not a cloud in site, the vastness going on into eternity. Like a pearl, a precious rare stone being found in the darkness… In its brilliance… being seen for the first time. The stars each twinkled in their individual radiance but almost appearing to step back in awe… allowing the moon its moment. In the backdrop the waves ungulated, mesmerizing, as each wave sparkled in the magnificent miraculous light of the heavenly bodies above.
Liv looked up, eyes wide taking in the breathtaking beauty of it, the gothic magical stillness. Their light shimmering in the pools of her twin deep golden orbs. She held her beath feeling like any slight noise would interrupt the peace settling all around her; holding every inch of her near. She took a deep breath closing her eyes to preserve the moment in the recesses of her mind. As if it was a painting lovingly created just for her eyes to see. How long had it been, could she even remember a time she felt… relief, peace, lightness… Hope. The last few months had been filled with turmoil and yet laced with healing honesty and promise. With all the sorrow and darkness she had endured and seen, every millisecond of peace was like the first breath taken in too long. It filled her lungs and trickled warm life through her whole being.
When she was a child the only hope she had in the darkness was the dream of finding a place to belong… a home… a family. The hope that she was not just created for one thing, brokenness. Lost and alone in the void. Over time, as age crept in she had learned that many precious lights in this world wander this journey alone. That was just reality. Only if one is incredibly lucky they found one, one soul wondering… who was willing to see them for the reality… stripping away the exterior to see the unique beauty within… they will fight… they will claw… they will love deeply if it meant they could remain near. Suffocating sorrow, pain, and loss are of the wisest of teachers. They remove the scales covering our sight, allowing us to see the smallest of moments like a precious work of art. Breathe… in and out…. In and out….
The music behind brought Liv back to reality. Their ascending notes only highlighting the sight before her. To most eyes Fin’s wedding would not be seen as a fairy tale spectacle but to those who knew and loved him, it fit them perfectly. A smile graced her face, she was happy for them. They had found one another, grasping on, among the thrashing waves of life. One of the lucky ones.
In a moment she felt a shift in the atmosphere around her. The air around became heavier. Time slowed... There was a gravitational pull coming near. Without turning around, she knew the only soul who possessed that sway over her. She felt his presence fall into her orbit, had he always fit there so perfectly? His warm heavy breath fanned the back of her neck.
“Liv….” That voice had both haunted her dreams and healed wounds. Had he always been her destiny? Had her waging war not been in vain? Had all those moments led up to this… prepared that scared broken little girl for this very moment in time? Had the moon and stars stopped for the honor of viewing one life collide with another? Exploding within the nebula of space and time, creating life.
She felt his hand lightly brush against hers igniting electricity causing every hair to stand on end. She felt his pull. His gravitational pull turning her around to face him. Those eyes had her, held her. In them she saw 22 years-worth of fight, struggle, loss, pain, and desperate love and loyalty. His eyes searched her face, read her eyes. A slight glittering smile reached his eyes before they passed the massage to his lips. For a few moments there was silence, he took her in… imprinting this woman, he had longed for, for longer than he could even recall anymore. Being away from her for 10 years had just made them all the more difficult to ignore.
“You look”…. Words seem to utterly escape him… Elliot shoot his head and his words came flowing from a place so deep…
“Beautiful.”
He knew this woman before him- He had memorized every line and curve- he knew her demons, her fears, her hopes, her strength, her weaknesses, her wounds, her undeniable beauty- but in that moment, he felt he was seeing her clearly for the first time.
Liv broke the pull of his eyes and her head fell. Hair cascading down around her like a protective shell. They knew the best and worst hidden within the recesses, and yet never before had she ever felt more vulnerable.
“Thank you.”
There was so much he wanted… needed to say. So many feelings and too few words. So, in the moment he did the only thing that made sense. Elliot ran his hand down the length of her arm- leaving a trail of fire in the wake of his touch- till it slid perfectly into the mold of her hand. She looked up at him, pulling her in deeper. He had her, there was no escape.
“Dance with me Liv.” Elliot guided her outside of the tent and away from prying eyes.
He looked down seeing where the concrete stopped and the sand began. A smile crept across Elliot’s face, his feet moved removing his shoes and socks. Liv looked over at his discarded shoes, amused… she stepped out of her own. With her hand still in his they walked onto the shifting surface. Liv stopped for a moment wiggling her toes deeper into the warm grains. There was something about the beach that brought out the child in everyone. Amazed that each grain of sand at one time was a part of something living. Liv looked up at Elliot with a smile.
Elliot’s face changed. “It’s nice to see that you know…” She looked at him confused… “that smile.”
Without giving her a chance to think he guided her closer to the waves. Liv’s feet sunk into the sand and for an instant she lost her footing. Instinctively Elliot caught her. Laughs erupted slightly easing the heaviness between them.
“Well, we know one thing that hasn’t changed.” She smacked the side of his arm.
“If you get me wet Elliot Stabler I swear to God I am not above using defensive maneuvers and you will be going home with a wet suit.” Liv had a glint in her eyes, one he had seen so many times before. Oh, how he had missed this!
He smiled, pretending not to be amused:
“We will just have to see about that now won’t we, I seem to hear the waves calling something “Olivia… Olivia.””
They slid back into old patterns with such ease as if no time had transpired between them. In that moment he realized just how much he needed all of this back. He had missed his best friend. Yet there was something new… something different that hung unacknowledged.
They both stopped for a moment, taking in the dazzling display before them. Waves crashing in and then retreating in a delicate dance.
“Have you ever seen anything like it?”
She squeezed his hand. “Actually, this is all Noah has been talking about for the last month. He is at a friend’s house tonight. They have a telescope and planned a party around the “Super Pink Moon Event of the Century.” She laughed. “Last time I checked my phone I have already gotten about 40 pictures of the moon via text message from every possible angle, they are even convinced they may have seen a UFO.”
At that Elliot laughed, “You’re kidding me?” Liv smiled and shook her head, “Nope.”
With that a long silence hung between them, again neither one of them acknowledging that their hands were still tightly intertwined, like they were afraid if they lost contact the other would simply drift out into the vastness of space.
Elliot signed, looking down at their connection. He pulled a little to get her attention. She looked at him with a smile, “You can barely hear the music from here, beside I have two left feet.”
Elliot looked over at the tent in the distance. “I think we will do just fine I can feel Louis Armstrong’s soul from here. Besides you won’t be able to resist my dazzling skills.”
Elliot mockingly danced solo. Liv shook her head pretending to look for an exit. “Oh God, tell me I am being punked, you can’t be serious with this.”
Elliot did a ballerina twirl in the sand. He stopped and held out his hand to her, his eyes and face taking on a new tone. Liv’s hand glided into his own.
With a slight pull Liv stepped slowly into his space. One hand in his and the other coming up to cup the back of his neck. His free hand slid gently into the curve of Liv’s side caressing the material of her dress in the hopes it would reach the skin underneath. Their eye contact never wavered. For a minute they both just stood there, eyes reading, reveling in just how good it felt to be near one another. Liv’s eyes closed of their own accord, a sigh escaping.
Slowly, Elliot began to move in rhythmic circles, pulling her with him. Their footprints leaving loving trails in the sand. The need in Elliot grew to a point he couldn’t see straight. Soon it became clear that more contact was needed, wanted. He pulled her closer as her other hand came up around his neck. Both of Elliot’s hands snaked around her waist to her back pulling her more firmly to him. Longing for any remaining space to be filled with each other. Her presence and smell was intoxicating. Liv’s head dropped to his shoulder, into the crook of his neck. Breathing him in deeply. Had she forgotten how safe it felt here? For what felt like an eternity they swayed slowly long after the song ended… moved against each other, reveling in the sensation of loving and being loved. Enjoying this intimacy they had long denied themselves. The soft cadence of the waves their only music.
Elliot nuzzled into the side of Livs head and whispered gently into her ear, “God, I missed this.” With that Liv stopped moving, she pulled her head away just enough to look into his eyes. So close that their breath had become intermingled. Elliot shook his head, a hint of wetness seeping into those blue eyes.
“I meant what I said the other night Liv. It may not have come out the way I had hoped, or when, but I meant every word.”
With that said Liv’s emotions caused her chin to move of its own accord. Tears began to well up in her eyes. Shock and sweet relief leaving goose bumps down the extend of her body. She closed her eyes to try and rein in some control, freeing the tears that had been pooling there, which escaped, traveling down the length of her face. Liv pulled him closer, resting her forehead against his, letting out a trembling breath. For a long moment they just stood there… listening to the rhythmic pattern of the waves and their own breathing. How she longed to stay right here, in this moment.
When Liv felt her emotions wrangle themselves in, she said… “I know you did.”
Elliot let out a sigh, as if releasing some unseen weight. His hand went to the back of her head pulling her back into his arms.
“Let’s get you home, huh?” With a sigh she broke free of his secure embrace instantly missing the protective cocoon he had created around her. Liv’s head dropped, looking at her feet, afraid he would see a woman who had been in love for longer than she cared to admit, even to herself. Elliot reached out to stroke a piece of errant hair behind her ear and their eyes locked. The intense crackle made it hard to breathe.
“Did you drive here?” She asked with an unsteady voice.
“No, I took an uber. I figured you wouldn’t mind me hitching a ride back with you.” Elliot smiled.
“Well, I can’t promise I won’t charge you for the gas and the milage, or make you listen to some ridiculously cheesy music. If you get bored Noah has some video games in the car” Liv grinned easing the tension that lingered.
“I guess I’ll take my chances, if all else fails I can always jump ship and walk home.”
With that they both laughed. Without hesitation Elliot’s hand found hers again as if it was an irresistible magnetic pull. With the shoes retrieved they walked hand in hand to her car which was parked at the far end of the event tent. Neither one of them saying a word. Their hands connected, unwilling to lose the last remaining tether between them.
The ride home was uneventful. Liv did her best to keep her thoughts in check. She stared out the window, at the moon, willing her emotions to rein themselves in. There was a part of her that wanted to reciprocate his feelings and the other part that was simply unsure, afraid. Feelings she had tried for years to bury. Feeling as if her head and heart may wave that white flag at any moment. There was still so much to work through, too much. In the corners of her mind was a small pang of guilt, it had only been 6 months since Kathy’s death. Could she trust his emotions? How was one soul able to have her so completely? There was also a part of Liv that wanted to protect herself as she knew deep down she could not endure losing him again and come out the other end… sane. After having a taste of this, there would be no coming back. The longing to have him near and never let go, and on the other hand the fear urging her to run were competing for her attention… competing for every thought… every breath.
The car pulled to a stop outside of Elliot’s apartment. Putting to a stop the assault of her restless thoughts and emotions. If only for a moment. A silent tension hung in the air between them, so very heavy.
“Would you walk with me a bit before you go?”
Liv’s eyes scanned his face. She was tired, so tired, but the other part of her simply longed for his presence. She had missed his aura and the healing comfort it brought.
“Sure, I guess I can do that.”
They stepped out of the car. Walking silently along the sidewalks of New York; the city that never slept. Hand in hand, the sound of their shoes on the pavement lulling into an even stride.
“You’re quiet, I wish you would tell me what your thinking, Liv.”
With a sigh she contemplated her next words carefully. Did she have the strength to be honest or was it best to do what they did best, hide and avoid.
“Look Elliot, there has been so much at once I can’t keep my head on straight. A lot… happened when you were gone.”
He looked at her with tormented hooded eyes. “I know… Fin… shared with me some of it but he wanted to let you share if you…..” Elliot shook his head, tears beginning to brim.
“I am sorry Liv.” A heavy strangled sigh escaped his lips, Olivia could see so many words vying for a chance to be let out, but simply not knowing even where to begin. She understood, deeply.
“I hope at some point you feel safe enough to share them with me but I need you to know, Liv, how deeply I regret the fact I wasn’t here when you needed me.”
Liv sighed and shook her head… “Elliot, I need you to hear me. My life is not your responsibility, of all the things I learned from this that is one of them. Look, I think I understand better why you felt you needed to leave, but that doesn’t change my experience of it. Of who you were in my life. Somehow… my whole life and existence had become wrapped up in you. You were my partner, my family, my best friend. I couldn’t remember a time in my life without you in it. I had to learn to live a different way without that… without you. I had to learn to live with missing you, hoping I would see..”
Liv stopped moving for a minute, taking a deep calming breath, to get some control, to try and collect herself. The emotions were as raw as the day he left.
“Then you come back and your emotions are all over the place. And I don’t know if I can trust them or you.” Liv’s eyes closed for a moment, and in a near whisper said;
“Elliot… when it comes to you… I don’t know if I can even trust myself right now…”
There was a silent pause. As each phrase hung in the air and slowly sunk their way into Elliot’s mind. Liv felt as if her voice was leaving her, the weight of years of things unspoken, threatening to steal it away completely.
“You just lost your wife Elliot. I don’t want to compete… I don’t think I can compete….” Shaking her head, her mouth moving but words, just ill equipped to articulate. “
“I just don’t know what to do with all of this. It’s not that I don’t… have feelings… deep ones that have been very hard to manage… I just don’t know if I can even trust them right now.”
Elliot was silent for a long moment, willing each word to fully process before speaking, wanting to get his words right. He could see his apartment coming back into view, somehow they had already made their way back.
“You’re right Liv.”
They both stopped at the front door of his apartment building. It was all just too much at once, there was nothing he could say or do to fix this, to unpack it all right now. Elliot reached out and Liv walked willingly into the warm safety of his arms. She buried her face in his chest and let out a heaving sigh.
“Listen to me Liv, I am all over the place and you have every right to question me but that doesn’t mean the things I have felt have not been there between us for a long time. They didn’t just spring up out of nowhere. With all of this, it has just made it more glaringly obvious I… we have not been honest with each other. Look…”
Elliot pulled slightly away and his finger came up to lift her chin. Her tormented eyes locked with his.
“I don’t expect anything from you Liv. If you want space, I’ll give you space. I just want a chance to make this right. You’re right I need to heal… I need to make amends for the husband I should have been to Kathy, the things I should have been for my kids. But Liv you…” Elliot looked deeply and firmly into Liv’s eyes to drive home every word. “You compete with no one inside of me.”
With that said Liv’s head tilted and her chin began to quiver yet again. A strangled cry crept up from the recesses inside of her. “Elliot.”
For a moment, they simply stood there still. He held on giving her the strength and stability she needed.
“I don’t want space Elliot. I…”
“Then what do you want?”
She looked up at him, reading his face, unsure how to articulate the balled-up mass of emotions and thoughts. What didn’t she want? Why did this have to be so difficult?
“I just want to know this is real, that you will get some help, that you won’t disappear again. I can’t continue on this roller-coaster.”
Elliot shook his head, “I hear you Liv, I do.”
He pulled her back into his arms again. She clung on desperately. Her breaths came out ragged and deep, as long dormant emotions spilled out. She clawed at him like a drowning soul frantic for a lifeline, as 22 years-worth of longing pushed down, pushed aside, came up with full force screaming to be heard. While another part of herself felt this sense of shame, like some of the work she had done over the last 12 years was being quickly undone. But in the same breath she felt she was finally… home again. He held on tighter as her legs waivered in their strength.
Taking a deep breath, Liv pulled away… her eyes swollen and red… she lifted her hands to the back of his neck allowing her forehead to find its way to his, grounding herself, desperate for any connection.
Liv could hear her heart beating in her ears, deafening. Thump thump… thump thump…
In a voice near above a whisper, she said… “I love you to.” The weight of emotions that streamed out with each word, simply transcended those three words.
Elliot pulled his head from hers. Looking deeply into those dark brown eyes so rich and deep they dragged him under. Olivia’s hand gently stroked his cheek of their own accord. As their eyes mapped out every line, every curve, every expression.
He looked down at her lips for a long moment and then back to those eyes again. Reading her. She did not move; but she also did not pull away either. Liv’s eyes brimmed with tears as her breath came out in short puffs of air. Elliot leaned in slowly, allowing his nose to stroke the side of her own, with the faintest of touches. He kissed her cheek where a trail of tears had run. Her breath fanned hot against his face. Liv’s mouth opened slightly but she did not move, she simply waited. Oh, how long she had waited!
Her eyelids were heavy. Blinking slowly, open and closed, open and closed. Elliot moved in, his mouth touching hers, delicately caressing the softness of her top lip. Liv’s eyes shut involuntarily at the sensation of his mouth on hers. He stepped closer into her, allowing his mouth to conform more fully to hers, the slightest of pressure. Heat cascaded down like lava flowing through every area of her body. Liv angled her head to allow for more contact, grasping at the back of his head. Longing, for more. He pulled away, tilting his head to capture her lips again, longer… deeper, stronger. Liv’s legs shook, wabbled like they would give way. Before she knew it, he was pulling away when all she wanted was… more of him.
For a moment she kept her eyes closed as her breathing came out in wild bursts, her chest heaving… bursting… too many emotions clawing, screaming… restless.
Her eyes half opened, as if they were simply too heavy. His eyes penetrated areas in her no soul had ever seen before. The look in his eyes all too familiar took on a new and profound meaning. With hooded eyes she blinked slowly up at him, stroking his stubbled cheek. Nothing more needed to be said. It had not been a passionate frenzied kiss, but what it was… was honest. It was a promise of things to come.
Elliot’s mouth moved as if to speak, instead he swallowed taking them back where they had resided. A soft smile graced her face, as her vision moved from his lips, back to his drunk expression. Closing his eyes he allowed his forehead to rest upon hers one more time. Neither one wanting to break the connection.
“Wanna grab coffee tomorrow?”
She smiled and squeezed him tighter. It took every ounce of resolve and willpower to pull free from his orbit, “If you’re buying.”
A knowing look passed between the two of them. A monumental shift had occurred, things were different, new and the same.
Liv turned and walked slowly to her car, every sound and sight muffled, as if she was walking through the haze of a dream. Each step coming as if in slow motion. Willing herself forward as every square inch of her longed for him to lead her upstairs.
Their eyes met one last time above the car.
“You call me when you get home, alright, because if you don’t you will have the entire precinct at your doorstep in about 20 minutes.”
Without saying a word, she smiled and slid back into the driver’s side of the car. Elliot watched her slowly pull away until he could no longer see any hint of the vehicle.
Far off in the distant, the moon and the stars followed, watching with bated breath. Rejoicing in one lost light finding its way to another, on this journey called life. With a promise of things to come.