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Yaz was dying.
Right there in the Doctor's arms.
Her eyes were closed and her breathing shallow, but the frequent hitches in her breath revealed the pain she was feeling. The Doctor's brain had gone into panic. She couldn't lose someone, anyone, let alone Yaz. She had never even told her how she felt about her, too afraid she would lose her. And now she was going to lose her anyway.
She cradled Yaz's head gently in her lap, stroking the hair from her face with a trembling hand as the young woman literally faded away. She knew there was one hope, one possibility.
The cyber headset lay beside her. Both her only hope and her possible doom. The Doctor knew full well the probable outcome of using it. Had seen it first hand. Had lived through the agony of losing someone that terrible way. It was etched forever into her brain and her heart, had changed her, cut away part of who she was. She couldn't lose someone else that way. Wouldn't lose someone else that way.
But if she could only use her sonic to override the cyber controls, there was a chance. A hope. A tiny one, but a hope nonetheless. For Yaz. Dear Yaz. Her Yaz. She couldn't do nothing, yet could she do this?
Yaz's body gave a small shudder and a tear fell from the Doctor's eyes, unbidden, falling into Yaz's hair as the Doctor's brain worked frantically to try and find another possibility, any possibility. There had to be something else and yet even as she tried to force her mind to come up with something, she knew it was the only way, and her trembling hand reached out for the headset almost without her conscious thought.
And despite part - such a big part- of her brain screaming at her to stop, she slipped it on Yaz's head, like a terrible headband, fitting into her ears. The Doctor's tears fell freely.
Quickly, she grabbed her sonic and used it to try and cancel the cyber controls, and incredibly, impossibly, Yaz's eyes opened just a little. The Doctor cradled her cheek with her hand, and spoke with a broken whisper.
"Yaz, I'm so sorry!"
Dark eyes lifted to look up at her, but suddenly paled as the headset fought against the sonic. Panicked, the Doctor adjusted a setting and tried again, her hand now shaking strongly as her heart pounded.
The cyber controls were overcome once more and Yaz's eyes returned to normal.
And she knew now there was no more time, no more chances. The Doctor kissed Yaz so softly, so gently. A kiss that had to convey both how much the Doctor loved Yaz, and also goodbye. The best and the worst messages that tore the Doctor's heart so that it would never mend.
When the Doctor finally pulled away, her vision clouded with tears, Yaz managed to whisper two words. Her voice was cracked and so faint, the Doctor could have missed it, and she leaned down, her face close enough to feel Yaz's pained breaths.
"I know."
And her eyes paled once more as the headset overpowered the sonic again.
In pain and anger the Doctor pulled the headset from Yaz, giving a cry of anguish as she did so, knowing that despite all her worldly knowledge and experience, she could not save this woman who made the universe brighter and better. That once again, someone with so much to offer, with their future ahead of them, was taken too soon, too young, too early, whilst she again was left behind.
If she could have traded places, she would have done so in a heartbeat. She was so old, so tired, with little left to give the universe. Yet, again she was the one allowed to live, whilst another was taken. It filled her with both utter despair and a powerful rage.
But these thoughts and feelings were unimportant right now. All that mattered in this moment was to hold Yaz, to make her know she was not alone in this moment, and to be present for her, no matter how much of the Doctor it took away.
Yaz's eyes were closed now, her breathing faint. The Doctor held her as close as she could and rocked her softly. She laid her cheek against Yaz's hair, dampened by her tears, feeling her fade in her arms.
"Goodbye."