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one.
Hao Du had never been one to put people at ease. No matter where he went, his reputation as cold-hearted and ruthless preceded him just as frightened stares and hushed whispers followed. And that was fine. It was useful, advantageous, made it easier for him to achieve his goals. As long as people feared him, they won’t dare to challenge him. So Hao Du had never before felt the need to change his ways, or try and convince the people that there was more to him than just a cold exterior and an even colder heart. Because honestly? There wasn’t. He had long since accepted the role he was to play in this world and knew that, in this lifetime, he wouldn’t get another chance at defining himself.
So this was a first, really.
It had always been easy for him to be dismissive and uncaring, but somehow, his life-long training suddenly failed him. Had failed him for the past half shi or so. He and Princess Yongan were sitting across from each other, both facing the tabletop and both silent. Hao Du had never before felt this uncomfortable, not even when he had sat in the pouring rain for half a day just to observe a potential enemy of his yifu.
He should leave. There was no point in him being here. The princess was very obviously scared of him and, as little as that bothered Hao Du, he didn’t want to upset royalty. And so he got up.
“Ah!” said Princess Yongan. “Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving,” Hao Du heard his own voice, as gruff as ever, and hoped the princess didn’t take the sound of it as offence. “You don’t need me here, I –“
“Are you defying my order?”
Hao Du stopped in his tracks. How such a small and delicate-looking girl could be this irritable was truly beyond him. He took a deep breath, turned around, and sat back down. They returned to the exact state they had been in before. Silent. Staring. By now, Hao Du knew the tabletops wooden pattern by heart.
“Here, look,” the princess suddenly said and held something out. Hao Du glanced up, only to see a handkerchief with a rabbit embroidered onto it. He had absolutely no idea of embroidery work, but this one could probably be considered well-made. At least he didn’t spot any mistakes.
“Most people embroider the rabbits with red eyes, but I always give mine green ones. They remind me of the grasslands, where everyone is free. I’d also love to be free.”
Hao Du stared at the handkerchief without really seeing it. What did she have to be free from? She was the Emperor’s daughter. She could do whatever she wanted. Silence settled back in the room and for some reason, Hao Du felt like he should be saying something, but he had always been bad with words.
“Hao Du. Hao Du! Why don’t you say anything? You’re always so cold,” Princess Yongan said with something that almost resembled a pout. Hao Du continued to not say anything because it was who he was supposed to be, right? He was cold, so there was no reason to contradict her. The princess took his silence as an invitation to continue. “Would it hurt you to smile just once? I’ve never seen you smile before.”
You’ve never looked at me before, Hao Du could have said, but she probably knew that already. Hao Du wasn’t stupid, he knew she was just stalling him – although why, he wasn’t sure. He only knew that he definitely had other things to do right now.
“If there is nothing else, I will leave you to it,” he tried again and got up. This time, he made it halfway through the room.
A loud and very obviously faked sob tore through the silence.
“Oh no…” the princess whimpered. “Oh no, I don’t know what to do…Changge is gone, and we can’t find her…and I have to marry the young Khan.” She continued her truly embarrassing performance by sniffling a little bit more. Hao Du’s fingers clenched at his side. This was ridiculous. The princess was very clearly not in need of comfort, but of a lesson. “And now you’ve taken me to this unfamiliar place. I’m so scared and all alone! I want my father!” The last sentence was horribly badly acted that something in Hao Du snapped. He turned around and stared down at her. The princess looked up at him out of large, glistening eyes that somehow didn’t seem scared at all.
Hao Du was next to her in a single long stride. Without hesitation, he picked her up. She barely weighed anything and was very easy to carry through the corridors, despite her constant cries and protests that he was to set her down immediately. Eventually, he did. When they reached her rooms, he gently placed her down on the mattress, careful to not actually hurt her. The princesses’ arms immediately went around herself and Hao Du became uncomfortably aware of what his actions must have seemed like to her. He turned away from her quickly and then knelt down as far away from the bed as possible without leaving the room.
“You can sleep,” he said. “I’ll stay here and keep watch.”
The princess was suspiciously quiet.
I’ve scared her, Hao Du thought. Good. That way, she’ll be more careful.
Hao Du wasn’t good at providing comfort, but he could provide protection.
two.
Hao Du had lost track of time. For how long had he been searching for the princess? How many times had he thought he’d found her, only to learn that she was already gone when he arrived? How often had he wondered if his search would end with a living body, or a dead one? Sometimes he thought he must have crossed paths with her already and just hadn’t recognise her. But that was impossible. Because for some strange reason, her face was still clear and vivid in his mind. The way she had looked at him like no one else had before. Like she wasn’t scared of.
And he had failed her. Hao Du, for all his cunning and his skill and his resources, wasn’t even able to protect a single person. He had disappointed his yifu, the Emperor, himself.
But all those seemed secondary to the fact that he had disappointed Princess Yongan.
It wasn’t like he was kidding himself – she didn’t trust him and didn’t even want him to be around her, but if nothing else, she had expected him to protect her. One small thing. One tiny thing Hao Du was usually so good at. And when it had actually counted, he’d failed.
The horse, as if sensing his inner turmoil, shifted uncomfortably underneath him. From somewhere down the road came the voices of people. There seemed to be a conflict ahead as cries and distressed arguing drifted over. Hao Du tried to focus back on reality instead of on his foolish self-pity. He urged his horse on and found a guard post a little further ahead. Two soldiers stood in front of a weeping woman who clutched the body of an obviously dead boy to her. It was nothing special – death was ever-present in these parts and Hao Du would have paid her no further mind if…if her sobs hadn’t tugged at something in his memory. He had heard them before, albeit in a very different context. He was off his horse and in front of the soldiers before he even knew it. Showed them the Emperor’s seal without registering his own actions. His attention was claimed solely by the weeping woman. The soldiers immediately made way for him and he shouldered past, dropping down next to the woman.
“Princess,” Hao Du said, barely more than a breath of air. She lifted her head, staring at him out of red eyes, face streaked with tears.
“Hao Du!”
“I found you.” It took all he had to not pull her forward and make sure she was actually real. “I finally found you.”
The princess gazed at him for a heartbeat longer, then her eyes slipped shut and she tilted to the side. Hao Du lunged forwards before she could hit the ground. She rested against his shoulder, warm and alive and very much real.
-
Hao Du had never been one to put people at ease. Had never wanted to be, either. But right now, he would give everything to be able to comfort, to soothe, to calm. The princess whimpered in her sleep and Hao Du was utterly helpless.
“P-princess,” he said quietly and nudged her shoulder, but she didn’t wake. Hao Du was truly useless. “Princess, wake up.” He shook her a little harder because actions were so much easier than words.
The princesses’ eyes snapped open, and she sat up all at once. Hao Du immediately drew back and bent his back in a bow.
“My apologies, Princess. I believe you had a nightmare.”
The princess let out a choked sob. “I saw him, Hao Du. I saw Xiao Wu. I kept calling out to him, but he wouldn’t turn around. He just walked further and further away.”
Xiao Wu must have been the boy she had lost. Hao Du had no idea what their relationship was. From the moment he’d seen her he couldn’t really grasp a thought that wasn’t, I found you. I have you back. I’ll protect you better from now on. He looked at her and frantically searched for comforting words to tell her. But before he could find even one, she already continued.
“Is he still blaming me? I was the reason he died. He definitely doesn’t want to see me ever again.”
And she was wrong, how could this gentle woman, who didn’t even regard someone like Hao Du with contempt, be the reason for someone’s death? Hao Du wanted to tell her that, but the words felt too heavy on his tongue. The princess stared at him, tears flowing down her face, and Hao Du had never been more desperate.
“He…He died with a smile on his face. He doesn’t blame you. Don’t be sad,” he finally managed. The words sounded weak and empty, a poor excuse for comfort. Why did it have to be Hao Du who was here with her? The princess deserved someone better, someone more understanding.
“I want to see him off. Will…will you accompany me tomorrow, Hao Du? I want to stay with him until the end.”
“I – of course,” Hao Du said. Company, he could provide. An empty presence at her side, void of words. But at least she would have protection. “But aren’t you…scared of me anymore?”
“Of you?” Princess Yongan looked at him and there was something different about her eyes. “No. I’m not even afraid of death anymore. How could I be afraid of you?”
I’m not afraid of you didn’t mean I trust you, and yet Hao Du felt like he had just been granted a valuable treasure that needed his protection at all costs. This time, he wouldn’t fail.
three.
Hao Du had failed. Again. Cold dread took over his body, drowning him, dragging him deeper and deeper down. He couldn’t hear anything but blood rushing in his ears, couldn’t see anything but the faceless crowd around him, so dense that it robbed him of air.
Li Leyan was gone. He had promised to protect her, to keep her safe, but his words were what they had always been: empty. She was gone. He had lost her. He distantly felt the package of sweets he’d been carrying fall to the ground. He had lost her because of sweets. Because of something as insignificant and pointless as sweets. Someone bumped into him and he almost stumbled.
And then, suddenly, a bright light entered his vision. He blinked his eyes, half convinced he was hallucinating. But the vision remained. Li Leyan stood before him, a little smile on her lips and a stick of spun sugar in her hand.
“Hao Du,” she said and tilted her head in question.
He had rushed towards her before he could even command his legs to do so.
“Wh– are you alright?” Li Leyan asked and looked a bit worried. She looked worried, as if it weren’t Hao Du who had spent long, long moments submerged in despair.
“I thought I’d lost you,” he breathed.
The princess blinked. “Uhm…you didn’t! I just saw these,” she waved with the sugar figure, “and wanted to buy one for you. Are you–“
He pulled her into a hug. She made a surprised noise, but Hao Du barely heard it. He clutched her tightly, felt her warmth through his clothes, her breath against his neck. She was here, she was alive, she was safe. Here, alive, safe. He repeated the words to himself once, twice, and then let reality drag him back into the present. He quickly let go of her and took a step back.
He should apologise. Not only was he unable to give comfort, he even took it from her without shame. But for some reason, the words wouldn’t come out. So instead, he reached out and took the stick with the sugary figure from her hand. It was a rabbit.
“You said it was for me,” he said. His voice sounded strangely soft.
For a heartbeat, Li Leyan looked surprised. Then, a smile spread over her face. “You’re not as cold as you look, Hao Du.”
Yes I am, is what he should say. I’m not when I’m with you, is what he wanted to say. In the end, he said nothing. As he always did. He simply turned around and started to walk. But only when he heard her light steps follow him did he truly relax.
“Hao Du, where are my sweets?”
“I ate them.”
“You ate them? All of them? Hao Du! Hao Du, answer me!“
He didn’t. But maybe this time, it was okay.
four.
He could still feel her struggle against him as he held her in an iron grip, one hand around her wrist, the other covering her mouth. Hao Du had hated himself often, but that time, he truly despised himself. I’m doing this for Da Tang, he had told himself. For the Emperor. For yifu. This is necessary. But all explanations his mind tried to provide felt empty and useless. You’re disgusting, his heart said, loud and clear, and Hao Du agreed. He would never be able to provide comfort for the princess.
And now he had to face her again, wondering if she had any warmth left for him even though he didn’t deserve it. After all, the princess was known for being kind and merciful towards everyone, even those unworthy, even those–
She slapped him. Hao Du had been cut, stabbed, and beaten, and nothing had hurt as much as this.
“I thought you were misunderstood,” the princess said, and her eyes held nothing but hatred. “I thought you weren’t actually cold-hearted. And I was right. Because you don’t have a heart at all, Hao Du. You have no heart, no emotions, no thoughts. There is no warmth inside of you. You only have your orders, and those who stand in your way get cut down mercilessly. You’re nothing but a puppet.”
Of course she was right. No heart, no emotions, no thoughts. And he didn’t have words, either.
five.
The sun was bright in the clear blue sky and the yellow flowers and vibrant grass swayed in the gentle breeze. Birdsong drifted through the air and from somewhere in the distance came the sound of running water.
It was a beautiful day.
Hao Du felt out of place.
Princess Yongan strolled through the fields, stopping every now and then to examine a flower, or to observe the scenery. Hao Du carefully kept his distance, making sure to stay out of her sight so she wouldn’t have to look at him.
“I didn’t think you’d be here,” the princess said suddenly. It took a moment for Hao Du to realise that he was the only one present and that she must be addressing him.
He clasped his hands and bowed, half because she surely didn’t want to see his face, and half because he didn’t dare to look at hers. “Apologies. Your father told me to protect you.”
“And why are you staying so far away?”
“I…I thought you’re angry. That you don’t want to see me.”
He didn’t know what expression she made, but he heard a small huff. “So if it makes me unhappy, will you leave?”
He wouldn’t. At least not fully. He had to protect her, after all, even if she hated him now. But at least he could obscure himself better, be quieter so that his presence didn’t bother her. He turned around to go farther away.
“When did you start to listen to me?” she asked, her tone a challenge.
I’ve always been listening to you, he wanted to say. But his words were useless because his actions told such a different story, so he simply walked on.
“Hao Du! Stop!”
He stopped.
What was it she wanted? Had he not proved often enough that all he was good for was to inflict pain upon her? Did she still not learn that he could never be a person she could find comfort in? His grip tightened around his sword. He knew that if he didn’t say anything now, he’d never get the chance again. And suddenly, there were words. They weren’t words of comfort, but they felt honest in his throat, and they were the only ones he had. He whirled around before they could leave him again and strode towards the princess. There was no fear in her eyes. Maybe that was what finally allowed him to speak.
“I don’t know what to do,” he said, the admission leaving his lips and taking with it a huge weight that had settled in his chest. “I don’t know what do to,” he repeated because once didn’t feel enough. “No matter what, all I ever do is hurt you. All I ever do is wrong, and I can never make you happy. But at least I can watch from a distance and make sure you’re safe. And that’s – that’s enough.” (A lie.) “As long as I know you’re safe, it’s enough.” (It would never be.)
As soon as he closed his mouth, he felt all energy leave his body. But at least he had finally said something, even if it didn’t matter anymore. Even if he was too late. As he turned to leave, fingers closed around his wrist.
“Wait. I have something to say as well. Hao Du. Look at me.”
He reluctantly turned towards her, but didn’t dare to meet her eyes, afraid to find more distain in them. She sighed.
“Back at the temple, you let Changge go on purpose, did you not? I knew it. You…you’re not heartless after all.”
He looked up at that, at the softness in her voice and the hint of a smile he could hear. She didn’t regard him with distain at all. Instead, her expression was warm, rivalling the sun that shone so brightly today.
“I…I took care of the rebels,” he said dumbly.
“So the people you let go aren’t rebels?” the princess’ smile widened. “Thank you, Hao Du.”
And then she bowed to him, Princess Yongan bowed to him like he had done anything that would deserve such a thing.
“You don’t need to thank me, I merely did my duty towards Da Tang,” he said even though it was a lie again, but it was easier than speaking another truth.
“Thank you for the answer,” Li Leyan smiled, so kind and open that Hao Du couldn’t help but ask.
“So I…you allow me to stay?”
“Of course. I’m the princess. You have to protect me well.”
Hao Du felt like the world around him suddenly brightened; the colours became more vibrant, the sounds clearer. “Understood.” He bowed.
Li Leyan chuckled and walked ahead, and Hao Du followed her closely. He was allowed to, now.
And later, when she told him about her love for Wei Shuyu, the pain felt subdued. He could never truly have her, but at least he had her trust, and that was already more than he had ever hoped for. If Wei Shuyu was the one who could provide her comfort, then Hao Du would do everything to make sure they could be together.
final.
“We surrender! Please stop fighting, we give up, please–“
Why was she crying? He had made her sad again, Hao Du realised. His face was pressed against the rough wood of the stage, sticky with blood, and his whole body felt like it was already numb from pain. But Li Leyan was crying, and Hao Du had tried so hard to finally do something right. He couldn’t fail her again.
“I won’t surrender,” he told her, desperate to give her just a semblance of comfort. “You don’t have to accept this fate. This time, I will make you smile.” He gathered what remained of his strength and pushed himself back up to his feet. He wouldn’t allow them to take her. Even if he died, at least he would have given her his all. It was still so much less than she deserved, but it was all he had.
And then, in the end, he had turned out to be somewhat useful to her. She was still crying as she cradled his head in her arms, still looked desperate, but he had given her a future that was hers to decide.
“I won,” he told her because she was still crying when she should be happy! “You don’t have to marry him. No need to marry him.”
And then the world turned blurry and then black, and the last thing he heard were her sobs.
-
“Why did you step into the ring?” she asked him later as they sat beside each other on the bed. She wasn’t smiling and Hao Du searched for words that could make it so. He knew that he wasn’t really the one she had wanted to fight for her, and so he tried to be as neutral as possible as to not make her uncomfortable.
“I didn’t want the people of Ashile to look down on Da Tang for a lack of heroes.”
“Ah,” the princess said and still didn’t smile. “So you’re the same as Shuyu-gege. You fought for the reputation of Da Tang. Not for…for me.”
Hao Du felt confusion that didn’t stem from the multiple hits to his head he had sustained. He was the same as Wei Shuyu? But Li Leyan was in love with Wei Shuyu. The two of them should be together and happy now. Wei Shuyu should make her happy! Hao Du was so lost in his uncertainty that he almost missed how the princess stood up.
“Hao Du. I don’t need you to defend Da Tang’s reputation. I’m more than able to do so myself. I don’t need your help.” She looked so disappointed and, even worse, she sounded hurt, and this was all wrong, this wasn’t what Hao Du wanted at all.
“No, actually I–“ He got up too fast and his injury flared up again, but he didn’t care. This was his final chance to make her happy. “I didn’t want you to be forced to marry someone you don’t love.”
Li Leyan turned around slowly. “The whole point of this whole competition was to marry me off, whether I love that person or not. Now that you won, that person should be you. So do you think you’re the one I love?”
Ah. So this was it. Of course Hao Du knew he wasn’t that person. No matter how much he might long for it, feelings couldn’t be forced, and he would never force her. But at least this was a problem that could be solved very easily.
“I know who the one you love is.” He smiled at her. “Don’t worry, princess. I’ll let His Majesty know. You can marry whoever you want.” This was it right? The thing that should finally make her happy. To have the freedom to choose for herself. Suddenly, he remembered a dark room, a small handkerchief, and green eyes. I’d also love to be free.
Then why was she still looking sad?
“So you never planned to marry me from the beginning?”
“I’m nothing but a warrior. How could I ever hope to–“
“Why are you always so respectful and humble in front of me? You could have it all now! Why did you risk your life to fight for me?”
“Because you’re worth it!”
How did she not know this? How did she not know that she was worth everything, while he…
“But I don’t deserve it.”
He couldn’t even make her smile. He couldn’t provide her comfort. He could only hope that she allowed him to protect her and the freedom she longed for.
“Don’t you want to know what I think?” she asked. Without waiting for his answer, she continued. “The first time we met, I thought you were uncaring. You never smiled. You always looked cold. You wanted to hurt my friend. I was afraid of you. I guess you could even say that I hated you. But…”
Hao Du looked up at her.
“But I only saw what you wanted me to see, right? What you want the world to see. Because you’re actually not cold at all. You searched for me. You saved me. And you finally allowed me to see that you’re actually kind-hearted and warm. The bad things you did weren’t what you wanted to do, the mean things you said weren’t what you meant. And suddenly…suddenly I wasn’t afraid of you at all anymore. I even started to rely on you, and feel at ease whenever you were there. You gave me comfort, Hao Du. But you still hide your feelings! You still act like you’re living for everyone but yourself! And you shouldn’t! You should…you should finally say what you want. So I’m asking you one more time. Why did you fight?”
Hao Du was too stunned to answer. Her words echoed back and forth in his head, again and again. You gave me comfort, Hao Du.
“Because I want you to be happy. And I…I did it for myself as well.”
“For yourself?”
Hao Du swallowed. The taste of truth burned on his tongue. He couldn’t back out anymore, it was too late, and even if he would make her uncomfortable and would ruin everything, he had to say it. And so he let the words rush out of him before his cowardice could stop him.
“You’re a princess. You told me to protect you. And I…in the past, I protected you as a guard, and that was enough. But I hoped…” and suddenly it was all too much. He grabbed her, pulling her closer, looking straight into her eyes as if that could somehow help him express all the things he could never say, all the words he left unspoken because he simply didn’t have them. “I hoped for myself that in the future, you would allow me to protect you as your husband.”
Her eyes widened, looking at him with shock and Hao Du’s heart sank.
“I’m sorry, princess. Please forget what I said.”
“Forget? You’re taking it all back?” She looked even more shocked at that, even more disappointed.
“No! No, I don’t! Never! I just– I’m sorry. I never know what to say.“
Something in Li Leyan’s expression softened. The smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of her mouth.
“That’s okay. You’ll…you’ll have enough opportunity to find the right things to say when you’re my husband.”
When you’re my husband.
He must have misheard. The injuries he had sustained must be worse than he thought, and he was hallucinating now. But the princess’ smile widened, turning her eyes into crescents, and she tapped her finger against his forehead.
“You’re so silly, Hao Du. How could I ever think you’re scary? I can’t believe I’m getting married to a fool.”
Hao Du couldn’t believe it either. Couldn’t believe any of this, really. But when he took Li Leyan’s hand it felt warm and soft in his own, and when he leaned forward, he clearly heard her small giggle, and when he touched his lips to hers it was the realest thing he’d ever felt.
And eventually, in the future, he might even find words to express everything she meant to him. But until then, it was enough that he could give her comfort.