Archive of Our Own

9.9k words

Jean finally opens his eyes when he hears another tune of a bird singing. Blinking the sleepiness away from his eyes, he can't believe he had accidentally taken a nap for a short while. Then again, yesterday, he was up all night scanning his paperwork. Breathing out a sigh, even when time has passed by, he is not used to this. It's been 6 years since the battle of Heaven and Earth and Jean is still not used to this.

This peacefulness. This serenity. The thought of that he might not die tomorrow.

Above all the things that would have sounded impossible years ago, it’s the woman laying her head above his chest that Jean finds the hardest to believe.

Without looking down, just from Mikasa's breaths, he can know that the latter isn't sleeping. Perhaps... she's pondering. She wonders a lot in her mind. Has always been and even now, Jean has trouble figuring out her thoughts.

On a Sunday evening, both of them are topless as they lie under the sun.

Their clothes are carefully folded beside them as they embrace one another intimately. It's a usual habit of theirs to lie down on the grassland in the backyard of their house. The discarded top was just recent especially during the summer when it's hot outside. Strange, he knows. But somehow for Jean, it felt really intimate. Not necessarily sexual, of course. Just both of them together, enjoying the summer breeze in their safe space.

Before Jean's hand could even land on Mikasa's head, the woman registers his movement and lifts her head to glance at him. "You're awake?"

Jean's hand falls onto her head anyways. "Barely." Mikasa's hair has grown quite long since she cut them a year ago. It's almost the same length as when she had cut her hair in front of him back when they were scouts. He loves her long hair. Everybody knows that. Nevertheless, over the years, Jean learns that it's just hair.

It might sound cheesy but he loves every part of Mikasa. "Do you want to go inside?"

Mikasa’s head which is on his chest shakes, making the corner of Jean's lips lift a little. He knew he will get that answer. Between the two of them, Mikasa loves this particular activity more.

It's always the same. On the days when he’s not working, he would sit out in his backyard with a sketchbook and pencil. Now that he’s stopped fighting, Jean starts picking up his knack for drawing again. Though his skill got really rusty, it's inevitable. Naturally, Mikasa would join him outside whether she would play with the stray cats or just working out to maintain her body. While she usually does the latter, on the days when she just sits beside him is when Jean knows it will lead to their odd yet endearing practice.

Mikasa is a lot more... affectionate than she may appear. In fact, that itself surprised Jean when Mikasa first kissed him outside. Needless to say, it wasn't an innocent one, or else they wouldn't end up topless in the backyard. Who would’ve guessed such a secluded house would be a blessing in disguise for him?

As he mentioned, it wasn’t always sexual. Sometimes they just do it because it's comforting to be bare with each other. Especially when their chests are pressed together and their rhythmic hearts beat together. Coupled with being outside, it makes them feel more... free.

"Did you take a nap as well?" Jean asks, his hand brushes her hair with his fingertips. With the feeling of Mikasa pressing her ears against his heart, Jean feels like he could combust. A part of him wonders if Mikasa has some form of fondness in listening to his heartbeat.

He swears he wouldn’t trade this for anything.

Again, Mikasa shakes her head. "I couldn't sleep."

Jean knows this too. He has seen how Mikasa clings to his shirt at night. Even after Jean asks, she barely says anything but when they wake up the next morning, Mikasa has a firm grasp on his sleeve. It's not uncommon that everyone has nightmares of the past. Even Jean too. On some nights, he can still hear his comrades calling him. Marco and Reiner were always in his dreams. However, Jean could still bear them.

Mikasa on the other hand... it's been 6 years since the one person she loved passed away. It must have not been easy for her. Heck, if Mikasa were to ever end up sacrificed in the last war, Jean thinks he wouldn't be able to function. But... no matter how many times Jean had said this, he will keep on mentioning how strong Mikasa is. Physically and mentally. She's healing. Both of them are. It's really unexpected that both of them find solace with each other. Jean would have never imagined being in this position. "Was it Eren again?" Jean questions. His tone bears warmth to comfort her.

"Yeah." Mikasa answers truthfully. She lifts up her head again and rests her chin on the back of her palm. Jean glances down to see Mikasa is staring at him with her beautiful eyes. "I'm sorry."

Jean frowns. "There's nothing to be sorry about." He hates when Mikasa thinks that she has to apologize when she speaks of Eren. Jean realized this years ago that he will never be able to top Eren in Mikasa's life. Mikasa's love for Eren is beyond this world. Even now, he thinks that hasn’t changed.

One may question what their relationship truly are.

Does Mikasa love Jean like she loved Eren? Jean isn’t delusional enough to think that.

Are they living together? Yes.

Are they lovers? Perhaps. Either way, Jean is honestly already contented with how things are right now.

"Let's visit his grave later. It's been a while since we did. Maybe it'll give you a little peace of mind." Jean suggests. Years ago when she was asked why the spot under the tree, Mikasa told the others about her memories at the tree.

Deep inside, Jean's heart pained for her and Armin. Most of it all, he pained for Eren. That suicidal maniac.

At the plan, Mikasa hums in agreement.

Even after the topic has been dropped, Mikasa still looks at Jean with those curious eyes. Jean knows there's a reason behind it. It could be that there’s something that she wants to say but for some reason, she is hesitating. "What is it?" Jean's fingers that were playing with her hair travels to her cheek. There, lies the scar of her past. Gently, Jean caresses above it.

Again, Mikasa seems like she has something to inquire but suddenly decides against it. "It's nothing." The woman sits up before she shifts herself until she is eye to eye with Jean.

The thing about Mikasa and him, she doesn't say much about what she feels about their relationship. They have never called themselves lovers. Not even partners. It is just... they are...

... together.

Even so, Jean wouldn't want to stay in a relationship that has no significance. Despite him being in love with Mikasa, he knows his worth too. However, Mikasa speaks with her eyes rather than words. Strangely, Jean finds it enough. Her actions are loud enough for Jean to understand that this isn’t a fling.

Mikasa hovers above him while gazing down at his lips. Her index finger traces Jean's upper lip as she bites her bottom ones. When Mikasa leans down to capture Jean's lips, the man lifts his chin to welcome the kiss while pulling her closer to him as if their bodies aren’t gapless already.

They didn’t deepen their kiss. Mikasa pulls away and rests her head on Jean's arm instead. With her back pressed against the man’s chest, Jean didn't waste time pulling her by the waist into a back hug. "Tell me if you want to get inside already." He presses his lips against her nape.

"Later." She insists.

"Your call." Jean’s hand is back on Mikasa's hair, brushing it lightly.

For a while, Jean closes his eyes again. He blames the wind for making his eyes a little heavy. He might just take a nap again and then, as per usual, Mikasa would wake him up when it's time to get inside. It's not even helping that Mikasa is tracing circles on the back of his palm. It's so soothing.

He wonders if Mikasa finds it calming as he does.

Maybe it was just in Jean's imagination, but suddenly, he feels Mikasa guiding his palm to her stomach. Her hand stayed there above Jean's, making Jean flutters his eyes open instantly at the gesture. For a second, he was shocked. Soon, his rationality comes back.

Mikasa was probably just holding his hand like usual. What was Jean even thinking? The weather was really playing with his head.

"Jean." Mikasa calls him.

"Hmm?" Jean hums in reply.

Before Mikasa could respond, a faint sound of their doorbell can be heard. Both of them glance at each other for a second before they hastily sit up. "Here." Jean gives Mikasa her blouse while he buttons up his shirt. Mikasa stood first before she helps pull Jean up to his feet. Jean staggered a little from the whiplash. The man’s wobbly steps had caused a little chuckle to escape from Mikasa's lips.

Both of them walk together hand in hand to their shared cottage. It isn’t big per se. It’s enough for them to live comfortably. When he first arrived to this district, Jean was not surprised that Mikasa resided in a house located near the hill where Eren was buried.

The front door opened and Armin’s blue eyes greet them. It’s not just him but Annie is also here. “Hi!” Armin chirps with a fruit basket in hand.

Seeing the slight guilt in Armin’s expression, Jean exasperates. "It's work, isn't it?" Glancing to Mikasa behind him, Jean presses his lips into a thin line before guiding Armin to discuss further outside. Mikasa has long retired from being associated with the military. According to her, she just wants to live peacefully in her hometown. To respect her wishes, Jean would always discuss matters about work never in front of Mikasa.

"We'll be right back." Jean hands the basket to Mikasa.

The woman nods as she watches Jean leaves with Armin for a walk. Usually, when Armin comes by, it is always news about work. Precisely, Jean's work that requires him to travel to Marley for a few days. She bites her lip in worry. Now, Mikasa really needs to find a good timing to spill everything.

"It’s from Nicolo.” Annie says as she closes the front door. The blonde woman takes the basket from Mikasa's hand and heads to the kitchen. She's been here too many times to know every place of the kitchenware in this house. Without objection, Mikasa lets Annie picks up her knife and starts chopping the washed melon. While Annie is busy with the fruit, Mikasa can't help but glance at the silver band on her finger.

Marriage.

What does it mean to be married to someone? Mikasa has always wondered this. She knows Armin and Annie tied the knot two years ago to eternize their relationship. It’s not surprising because they were very serious together.

For so long, Mikasa had only one person in her mind whom she would want to spend the rest of her life with.

However...

"Why do you look so worried?"

The sudden question from Annie startles Mikasa. "Do I?"

Annie shrugs her shoulders. "You're sighing a lot." She replies, transferring the sliced melon onto a plate. "It can't be that you are worried about Jean."

Mikasa slouches against the kitchen counter. "That's not far from the truth."

Oh? Annie raises her eyebrow in interest. "He's just going to Marley. Since the peace negotiation, things have been looking well."

The black-haired woman shakes her head. "No. It's not about that."

How does she say this? Mikasa isn't clueless. She knows what nausea every morning means. She heard it firstly from Armin's books and also in health class back when she was a scout in training. It was only a week ago that Mikasa can confirm it due to the zip of her skirt got stuck before she could even button it. Not to mention she's late on her period. Putting those signs together, Mikasa comes to a conclusion.

"Annie." Mikasa calls the blonde, her hand caresses her barely visible belly. "Do you ever think of having a child?" She asks. Mikasa is well aware of how that question can come off as insensitive. However, she doesn't know who else to talk to about these things and let’s face it, Mikasa is not exactly the best conversation opener.

Especially with Annie.

"That's a weird question from you..." Annie narrows her eyes at Mikasa. "Did Armin asked you to ask me?"

Immediately, Mikasa denies it. "No, that's not it. I just... I want to know the reason why. It's not a bad thing! I'm just curious..." Mikasa isn't the type to mind other people's business. She didn't even see anything wrong that there's no mini Armin and Annie yet running around. These things didn't cross her mind until... something unexpected happened to her.

Annie still looks at her in wary but to Mikasa's surprise, she answers. "We think now might not be the right time yet. Since both Armin and I are always traveling, it will be difficult for the both of us."

That makes perfect sense. Unlike Jean, both of them are more active than others in Paradis’ international matters. Their marriage unintentionally sheds a bright light on peace perseverance.

"Now can I know the truth why you're asking?" Annie asks back.

Mikasa contemplates her next words. She doesn't know how to say it bluntly. So far, not a single soul except her is aware of the little bean residing in her stomach. With Annie here, Mikasa inhales before uttering it for the first time. "I'm...with child." Mikasa confesses.

The blond didn’t react for the first three seconds before her eyes slowly widen as she glances at Mikasa's stomach. "You're pregnant?"

"Isn't that what I said?" Mikasa tries to hide her belly with her arms.

Annie blinks her eyes repeatedly, still hasn't recovered from her shock. She has always known that Jean and Mikasa have a rather intimate relationship. Why else would Jean move into Mikasa's house? Even so, she's surprised that Mikasa and Jean have thought that far into their— Wait.

"You two didn't plan this, right?"

Mikasa hesitantly shakes her head. "Yeah..."

How could have they plan this? They don't even know what they are even after 3 years of being together. It's not like the topic hasn't been brought up but usually, it wouldn't be by any of them. For some reason, Mikasa thinks that Jean avoids the topic more than she does. Whenever someone brought it up, he would just say that he's a friend accompanying another friend. Whenever it's just the two of them, Jean says that they don't need any explanation to what they are. It is enough that they're together.

However, with the presence of a child....

Things are bound to get deeper.

Annie places two forks on the plate and slides it to Mikasa. She takes a seat on the stool beside the black-haired woman. "Do you want the baby?"

"Of course!" Mikasa answers without delay. Despite it has never crossed her mind to get pregnant at this age but being a mother isn't something she is against of.

Annie hums, contemplating her friend’s situation. "Let me rephrase that, do you want this baby with Jean? I don't even know if you love this man."

Love...

Does Mikasa love him? Loving someone else other than Eren was something impossible for Mikasa.

Or she had thought...

While Mikasa was lying down beside Eren's tombstone, she woke up to a coat draped above her. Glancing to her side, Jean sat back, leaning against the tree with one knee propped up and a sketchbook on his lap.

Mikasa had thought that all of her friends that paid Eren a visit had gone back to their respective homes last week. After 3 years of peace, everyone had their own paths to walk. Mikasa remembered clearly each detail when everyone talked about it over dinner.

Then again, Mikasa realized that Jean was the only one that night without a solid plan.

"Why are you here?" Mikasa rubbed her eye, removing the coat from herself.

"I live here now." Jean said casually as he continued drawing.

Shock was an understatement. You’re not even from here, Mikasa wanted to retort. Groggily, she sat up, wiping the dried grass off her hair. "How so?"

"It just happened."                                                                                     

With such short answers, Mikasa can't help but wonder. It couldn't possibly be...

… because of her? He knew Jean had feelings for her during the early days of their training but Mikasa had always thought it was just a silly crush. It has been years since then. Jean couldn't possibly—

"Armin suggested I stay here." Jean interjected her train of thoughts when he sensed that Mikasa wasn’t satisfied with his answer.

Armin?

The brown-haired male lifted his chin slightly to glance at Mikasa. "He said that living here is peaceful. And he's right. The view from here is pretty." Jean turned his sketchbook towards Mikasa and the woman faintly gasped at the drawing of Shiganshina from this hill.

Has Jean always been good at drawing?

"I didn't know you could draw. It's... nice."

At the compliment, Jean visibly blushed.

Mikasa cleared her throat. It's odd talking to Jean like this. They don't always have casual talks like these especially when it's just the two of them. Despite being together a lot while they were comrades, Mikasa isn't as talkative as Sasha and Connie were.

"Don't worry," Jean suddenly uttered, catching Mikasa's attention. "It's not what you think. I didn't come here in hopes to find a lover.” Jean chuckled, putting back his pencil in his case. "I was really searching for a place to settle for a few years. I'm only taking Armin's suggestion. You don't have to worry about anything."

"I wasn't." Mikasa lied.

In reality, she does worry if Jean felt any bits of hope because there's no way Mikasa could ever give Jean what he wants. Her heart was sealed.

Or so she had thought...

Seeing Jean was surprisingly common.

They don't see each other weekly. More like once every two weeks. That was if they accidentally stumbled upon each other on the street or at the market. Jean's headquarter is nearby to the place Mikasa frequently visit during her free time. Armin too often invites Mikasa and Jean to his house for dinner.

The first time it happened, the uneasiness was evident on Jean's face. There were times at the dinner table where he would burst out laughing and there were times where he would stay absentmindedly quiet. It wasn’t until Jean walked Mikasa home that she found out about what had gotten Jean all bothered the whole dinner.

Apparently, Jean was worried that Mikasa and Armin would think that he wanted to replace Eren in the trio. At first, Mikasa was a tad confused but after a few seconds of pondering, she understood what Jean meant.

Truthfully, Mikasa didn't mind having Jean around. Well, more precisely around her. Armin isn't always here in Shiganshina. Quite rare to see him. Therefore, Jean's presence makes up for the loneliness she'd been feeling when Armin wasn't around. Don't get her wrong, Mikasa is fine by herself. She has always been. But.... having Jean here isn't so bad.

Not like he can ever replace Eren. Jean is his own person.

Nonetheless, the way Jean was really concerned if Mikasa or Armin felt that way, Mikasa almost laughed.

It was when they had their first sex when things were slowly changing.

They were two individuals who hadn’t touch nor had been touched before. It wasn't a problem before this until that one time when someone had asked them what of their opinions on sleeping together. It was a rather rude question and Jean made sure that person doesn't overstep his line again. However, Mikasa knew that as they were walking home, both of them kept thinking of the same thing...

For weeks both of them had this unresolved tension around them. The questions of ‘what if’s in their heads made them aware of each other's presence in a way they have never before. Mikasa felt like it was wrong and that she should lessen the days that she meets up with Jean. She was going to tell Jean about it but on the night where she was supposed to, something snapped between them.

If Jean hadn't surprised her with a necklace as an early birthday gift, Mikasa wouldn't have felt Jean's accidental touch on her neck. She wouldn't have felt so conscious of Jean's nervous breaths against the shell of her ears.

And certainly…

…She wouldn't have turned around and pull Jean down to smash their lips together.

It's not her first kiss. She still considers Eren as her first. But this… it’s definitely the first that someone reciprocates it back. Mikasa didn't think she would be in this position with anyone. Especially not where Jean's arms were sliding down both sides of her waist. She gasped loudly before tugging Jean's hair to deepen their kiss.

Both were very much inexperienced and it showed by how messy their kisses were. It didn't matter. When Jean lifted Mikasa's thighs to wrap them around his waist, Mikasa let herself lose to the feeling of lust. It's bizarre because Mikasa knows she had better self-control than this but it felt right. Everything that was happening felt like it should happen.

She panted when Jean latched his mouth on her neck, making her whimper at the ticklish yet satisfying feeling as he sucked her skin. All thoughts were discarded aside when she brings up Jean's jaw so that she could kiss those lips again.

That night, Mikasa cried for two things.

One, the first feeling of pain and pleasure of having embraced by Jean. Two, the guilt she bears towards Eren because, despite her tears, she didn’t want Jean to stop.

"Do you even love him?"

She’s back again in the kitchen with Annie staring curiously. It's a valid question. Does Mikasa love him?

Honestly, it's the same question that has been roaming in her head for a few years but at the same time, she had been refusing to answer. It wasn’t until recently when something unexpected happened, Mikasa finds herself contemplating the question every day.

"I want a life with him.” Mikasa answers genuinely. “A future which I can only see with him and no one else. Does that mean I do?"

Mikasa has never envisioned her life with anybody else. It was either Eren or nobody. However, Jean was a living proof that her perception can be changed. Waking up to Jean's subtle kisses on her forehead, cooking dinner with Jean, cuddling outside where no one can see them, those are just a few examples of the things that made her realize that she wants this.

Whatever she has with Jean, she wants it to last.

"Are you going to tell him soon?" Annie asks. Her expression barely says anything but her eyes express that she's worried.

Mikasa nods. "After I confirm it with the town's doctor."

Although Mikasa is 100% sure, but getting the doctor's confirmation is better when she breaks the news to Jean.

"Do… Do you..." Annie clears her throat, looking elsewhere from Mikasa's eyes. "…want me to go with you?"

Oh...

Mikasa hadn't thought about bringing anyone else. Sure, even for her, it is overwhelming going alone but Mikasa still thinks that she would be fine. However... the thought of having a friend during this nerve-wracking time, Mikasa wouldn’t deny such offer. With a slight tug of her lips, she nods. "I'd appreciate that."

Annie too mirrors Mikasa's smile. "Well, you don't have much time left. We are leaving in 4 days."

4 days... That’s too soon...

Glancing out of the window, Mikasa spots Jean having Armin in a chokehold. Without her realizing it, her smile got wider.

She didn't expect her days after Eren's death would be... less lonely.

It was a peaceful night outside. The moonlight lights the room slightly and there was nothing amiss that night. However, it can't say the same with Mikasa's dream. It was that dream again. She was under the big tree where Eren would always take a nap at. Instead, of him, it was young Mikasa who is sleeping against the hardwood. Just when her eyes opened a little, she saw Eren wrapping the red scarf around her. With one last smile, Eren turned his back and ran in the opposite direction.

In that dream, always, Mikasa found it hard to move. Like her lower body had been petrified. She lifted her small hand to reach for the child but Eren kept running and waving Mikasa goodbye.

Eren...! Don't leave me...!

“Eren!" She woke up with a jolt. Mikasa's forehead was sweating so much that her shirt stuck on her back. Panting heavily, Mikasa fisted her blanket tighter as she curled into herself.

"Hey."

She felt something soft on her nape. Lifting her teary face, Jean was trying to work her red scarf around her neck. Once done, her trembling hand was being held by Jean's warm ones. "Look at you, sweating again." The man frowned as he wiped Mikasa's hair away from her forehead.

"Je... Jean." Mikasa stuttered.

"Shh… it's okay. Breathe slowly." Jean tried to guide her to take deep and slow breaths. Mikasa couldn't focus at first but Jean's encouraging voice resonated in her ears. Slowly, she started to imitate Jean's action and felt herself calming down a little.

"Jean." Mikasa sighed, leaning her forehead against his shoulder. Automatically, Jean wrapped his arms around Mikasa and gently lie them down again. Mikasa repositioned herself so that she would curl by Jean's side with her temple resting on Jean's collarbones.

She had lost count of how many times she dreamed of Eren. On some nights it wasn't as vivid as this. This night happened to be one of the hard nights.

"I couldn't reach him." Mikasa tried to keep her voice stable. She would've fallen into a wreck of sobs again if it weren't for the palm brushing her back comfortingly.

"Did he wrap the scarf around you again?"

Mikasa nodded her head.

The hand soothing her back went up to play with her scalp. Mikasa fluttered her eyes close when Jean tugged the blanket above her. Holding the scarf with her left hand, her right palm grasped the front of Jean's shirt. Her heart was still beating fast but with the presence of these two in her hands, Mikasa thought she can lull herself back to sleep.

After a while, it proved harder than usual to go back to sleep and perhaps, Jean was able to see that because the man asked Mikasa if she wanted him to make her anything. Despite being slightly unsettled on the inside due to the dream, Mikasa found herself at awe. She knew Jean has grown to get used to her sudden jolts at four in the morning. Sometimes, he does it too though it's fairly lesser than Mikasa.

For 3 years, Mikasa woke up alone in her bed when she had those dreams of the past.

Now that Jean had just moved in, Mikasa appreciated the way Jean would hold her until she becomes herself again. Mikasa didn't think being in Jean's embrace would help initially but... it did. Not that she instantly felt all better. It's the warmth from the man that enables her to sleep again.

"I'm fine." Mikasa answered. "Sorry that I woke you up."

"No. We talked about this. No more apologizing, okay?"

Mikasa frowned. It must be tiring for Jean. Of course, despite how close they’ve gotten with each other, Mikasa still can't forget Eren. She knew Jean doesn't expect anything from her but that didn't mean Mikasa doesn't feel bad.

"I'll cook your favorite breakfast tomorrow." Mikasa offered.

Instead, Jean shook his head. "It's okay. You just rest. I'll cook for us tomorrow morning."

"No. Let me—"

"Shh... it's okay. Just focus on sleeping now. We'll think about it tomorrow, okay?" Jean patted her back a few times before settling his hand on Mikasa's shoulder.

For some time, Mikasa thought that she might be going crazy because her heart keeps skipping a beat when she’s around him. Just why is Jean staying by her side after everything? Even so, Mikasa doesn't ever want Jean to leave.

Does that make her selfish?

Nuzzling her face on Jean's chest, Mikasa inhaled the smell of Jean's familiar shampoo as a waft of comfort surround her to sleep.

"I'm home~" Jean hollers as he walks into his house. As usual, he places his hat on the cabinet before heading towards the kitchen. "Oh? I thought it's my turn to cook dinner for us." Mikasa discreetly grins when the man pokes Mikasa's side before picking up an apple. "You're cooking quite early." Jean comments while folding his sleeves.

Seeing that Jean is ready to help her, Mikasa instantly pushes Jean out of the kitchen. "I can do it by myself. You can shower first."

Jean raises his eyebrow. "Ha? It's fine, let me help you before I shower."

"No." Mikasa continues to push his back until they're at the stairs. "I'll do it on my own." She insists.

That's odd. Mikasa usually wouldn't mind Jean helping her in the kitchen. In fact, they do it on the regular because Jean prefers the time spent with Mikasa. They're already spending the day apart whenever Jean is working so cooking together was one of Jean's love languages to spend more time with her. This is totally different from his parents but Jean loves it this way.

After one step on the stair, Jean turns around facing Mikasa. "Hmmm. Very suspicious." Jean taps his chin. "Are you trying a new recipe?"

"Huhh?"

"I mean, you did go out with Annie yesterday to the town. I thought we still have a lot of groceries."

Mikasa pauses to register what Jean had said before she blinks her eyes. "No. I didn't go out for groceries. I'll tell you later."

The brown-haired man continues to guess. "Are we celebrating someone's birthday? Someone coming by for dinner?"

"Jean." Mikasa exasperates.

"Okay! Okay! I'm leaving~" Jean sings songs before going up the stairs. Watching Jean's retreating back, Mikasa sighs as she pats her chest.

Tonight is the night where Mikasa will finally break the news to him. Ever since she had decided to tell Jean tonight, Mikasa has been feeling restless. It will only get worse if Jean is near her. Even now Jean suspects something is amiss.

Jean's almost correct. They are celebrating. Except... it's not a birthday event.

Touching her stomach, she wonders how Jean would react. Funnily enough, Annie betted that Jean will faint upon hearing the news.

"Okay, now I'm sure tonight is a special occasion." Jean says after taking a seat at the dining table. Dinner only for two but Mikasa made Jean's and her favourite food so it's unlikely that they're celebrating someone else's birthday. "Is it the anniversary of me moving into your house?"

Mikasa shakes her head as she picks up her spoon and starts eating. "I just feel like cooking this."

Jean narrows his eyes to the other. "Is it because I'm going to Marley the day after tomorrow?" The man continues his guessing game.

Mikasa shrugs with a teasing smile. "Maybe."

"Huh..." Jean scans the dishes in front of him. It's not like the trip to Marley is something new nor it is dangerous in any way. Hmm...

Although still doubtful, Jean too picks up the ladle and pours himself some gravy. He remembers how both of them failed to follow his mother's recipe no matter how many times they tried. That is until his mother himself came over to Mikasa's house to teach them. The smile on Mikasa's face on that day was beaming. One of the brightest Jean has ever seen. It made Jean wonder how much Mikasa misses a motherly figure in her life. For that, Jean is more than happy to share it with Mikasa.

Pushing the whole secretive aside, if Mikasa has something to hide, Jean has a feeling that he will eventually figure it out. Thus, for now, let's enjoy the special meal.

Until the last scoop, Mikasa has yet to break the news to him. They only talked about their day today where Annie visited Mikasa again. Seriously, Jean doesn't remember when those two were attached by the hips. Seeing Mikasa laughs slightly when Jean tells her about a guy at work who tripped on his feet, he really wishes that he doesn't have to go to Marley the day after tomorrow.

4 days away.

At least he gets to see Falco and Gabi. Former Captain Levi too since he's been living together with the two children. Hmmm, well, they're not children anymore that is.

"Is that the one that Armin brought yesterday?" Jean points to the wine bottle that Mikasa placed in the middle of the table.

The woman presses her lip into a thin line before she stands up to pour Jean half a glass.

It's time...

After taking a sip, Jean pauses a second before he hums. "Mmm, that's quite good. Where did he get this?"

"Annie said Nicolo gave them some on their last visit to him." Mikasa answers, resting her crossed arms on the table.

"Not bad. Here you try." Jean gives the glass to Mikasa.

Mikasa gulps staring at the glass then back to Jean. "I'd love to but I can't drink."

"Oh..." Jean pulls his hand back. "I mean, if you want, you can just try a sip. It's not awful." He shrugs.

"I told you, I can't. In my condition, it is harmful." Mikasa reasons out.

Jean couldn't quite understand. Mikasa doesn't fancy beer but she never disapproves of wine and would drink anything that Jean brings home. And what does she meant by she can't? "Condition? Are you unwell or..."

Then Jean finally sees it.

He sees one of Mikasa's hands that was on the table is now pressed on top of her stomach. His confusion doubled with the way Mikasa is staring at him nervously. What...

Almost like there are ticking sounds and then a ding finally appears above Jean's head, he finally put the pieces together. "Mikasa?!!!!" Jean was so surprised that his chair falls backward when he stands up. "Wait, is this true?! Tell me it's true! Are you serious?! Or is this a joke?"

The woman lets out a nervous laugh before she shakes her head. "I didn't know how to tell you..."

"H...Hold on...!" Jean staggers towards Mikasa and falls onto his knees next to her. "Are you saying… Inside... there?" His hand trembles to touch Mikasa's stomach. However, before he can touch, Jean’s hand stills. "You're keeping it, r... right?"

Mikasa looks at him like he has grown another head. "Jean, why would I not want this child?"

Jean couldn't answer. There are valid reasons if Mikasa doesn't wish to care for this baby. Pregnancy isn't easy. Mikasa will have such a hard time. Above all, a baby with him is another leap step to their relationship. They're not married yet. Heck, they're not even a couple! "I mean... because... we're not..."

Mikasa's lips turn into a soft smile. Gently, she holds both of Jean's cheeks. "It's because it's with you that I want to take care of this baby." Jean's breath hitches at the sincerity in her voice. "Although, I would have taken care of it regardless who is the father but because it is you..." Mikasa brings Jean's hand to touch her stomach too. "I'm really excited."

Jean feels like every air just escapes his lung. There, against his palm, lies a smaller version of him in Mikasa. Not just anyone, it's Mikasa and his baby. Both of them. Theirs.

It's theirs.

Jean got so choked up that he could barely utter anything. "So we're… we’re doing this. We're… we’re raising the baby together, right?"

"You can be as involved as you want." Mikasa assures him.

"Then, I'll give my life for both of you!" Jean pushes himself up to embrace Mikasa in a tight hug. He didn't realize that he's been crying until Mikasa's shoulder is stained with his tears. God, is he dreaming right now? "I'll take care of both of you. I'll do everything I can to be a good father for the child and—“ Jean's sentence stops halfway. He can be a good father to the baby... but to Mikasa...

… What is he?

"What's wrong?" Mikasa notices the change of face on Jean. The smile on her face falls too.

Jean gulps. He didn't want to ask this. Mostly because he is afraid of her answer. Things can go wrong from the question and Jean doesn't want to ruin what they have. That's why... he never brought it up for the past 3 years.

But now... he has to.

"Mikasa... what are we then?" Jean pulls his hand away from her stomach. "I know we never describe our relationship to others except that we are together. We are not even lovers. What are we now and later?" Jean couldn't bring himself to look at Mikasa. He fears that Mikasa's face would tell the answer that he wants to hear the least.

There's a silence between them. The air is thick and Jean prepares himself for whatever type of rejection he will receive. However, what welcomes him is a warm finger wiping the tear from his cheek instead. "Aren't... Aren't we at least lovers?"

Jean's eyes widen as they meet Mikasa's round orbs. "I... I thought... for us to be lovers, we sh...should... at least love each other." Jean stutters. It's no surprise that Jean loves her. He is sure that Mikasa too knows that he does very dearly. But the reason why this topic was never discussed is because Jean suspects it is one-sided.

He knows how much Mikasa treasures him. More than a friend but less than a lover. He is Mikasa's companion and vice versa. Jean was already content with that.

However, now things are different with the existence of their baby.

Mikasa holds both of Jean's arms, pulling both her and him to stand up. One of the things that Mikasa has to prepare wasn't just telling Jean that they're about to become a parent. It wasn't just having to prepare mentally that she's now a mother. In fact, the most frequent thought she had throughout these past few days was her feelings towards Jean.

Annie asked her the question. She too asks herself the same question and Jean's eyes are begging for an answer despite he didn’t ask her directly.

Does she love Jean?

A question that existed since they got closer to one another but Mikasa is only contemplating to answer now.

‘How can someone be sure of their feelings?’ That was her excuse for so long.

And now...

She is confident of her feelings.

"I... Would you believe me if I say yes?" Mikasa mutters. It comes out a little awkward. This is her first time admitting her feelings for Jean to anyone so she's really bashful about it. Her cheeks are instantly tinted with pink.

"You love me?!" Jean gasps loudly, startling Mikasa.

Hearing Jean says it out loud, it got Mikasa to be even more embarrassed. Covering her face, Mikasa hides her flushing cheeks. "You don't have to shout it! Isn't it to be expected?"

The man holds both of Mikasa’s shoulders. "Mikasa, there were so many times that I thought it was impossible."

This got Mikasa to bring down her palms, revealing another frown. "Why?"

The smile on Jean's face resembles an insincere one. Almost like he is torn between happy and sad. "I thought you'd want to fall in love with only one person your whole life." Jean pockets his hands. He didn't want to bring up Eren at this time but it is inevitable. "And I respect that. Whatever we have right now, I'm already happy as it is. I don't expect anything in return."

Hearing Jean's words, Mikasa's heartbeat accelerates. This. This is one of the reasons why Mikasa thinks Jean succeeded. He became so many things that she needs without expecting anything in return. He's so respectful, loyal, patient and without a doubt, Mikasa knows he will be a great father.

How Mikasa was so sure that he loves this man?

... Because when she thinks about the rest of her life with Jean, she can't wait for their little family to begin.

"I thought so too at first. But..." Mikasa holds out her hand for Jean to take it. When their fingers intertwine together, Mikasa breaks into a tender smile. "It's possible. I really love Eren. Until the day I die. But...I love you too, Jean." As soon as the confession is out, Mikasa's palms are back again on her face to hide her flushed cheeks. Turning around, Mikasa finds it so ridiculous how Jean and her have done so many things together, and yet, a confirmation of love can be so embarrassing for them.

They really got their priorities in the wrong order.

Just then, Mikasa shrieks as she feels veiny arms around her as she is being lifted and spun around. When her feet touch the ground again, Jean turns her to face him. "You know I love you." He whispers after cradling Mikasa’s head to his chest. “I have been for a long time.”

Mikasa tries to hide her giggle by biting her lower lip. Naturally, her arms find themselves reciprocating Jean's hug. "I know."

Is it weird that Jean still can't process this?

Mikasa? In love with him?

God, Jean wouldn’t dare to think that this is real.

However, the woman in his arms indeed felt real. Everything that's happening right now both felt real and unreal at the same time. He thinks he is going insane! "I'll work hard for the three of us. I promise you that!"

Mikasa nods her head. Not long after, her eyes are glistening as well.

She doesn't, at all, doubt Jean's words one bit.

"It's crazy. Literally. I bet you couldn't believe it too." Jean mumbles while hugging his knees. It's been more than 12 hours since Mikasa broke the news and Jean is still astonished at everything. "Is this what it meant by good things happen to those who wait? It could be, you know but still, this thing is huge."

His teen self had a goal once upon a time. To live in peace. To settle down after battling so much. He'll wake up to the sound of his wife greeting him. Then, before Jean goes out to work, she would kiss him goodbye while carrying their child on her hip. Jean would hug them both super tight because his family would be the pillar of his life.

It sounded like a pretty normal dream.

However, for military scouts, it's impossible. It's unimaginable to even fantasize about such peaceful life. Of course, that was back then. Now... a lot of things have changed.

"I guess I owe you this one." Jean sighs, glancing to the tombstone beside him. He then proceeds to lie down. "Without your sacrifice, I wouldn't have a future to look forward to. And of course, I didn't think Mikasa would ever consider me."

Honestly, Jean was never sure of the direction him and Mikasa were going. He thought it was just good friends with benefits. Even when Mikasa out of the blue proposes Jean to stay with her when Jean's rental contract expired after a year, he still didn’t think that Mikasa would ever consider him as a lover.

So now... it feels bizarre to him. He's gotten the assurance that he didn't think he would get. They're going somewhere, finally.

"Say, Eren." Jean turns to lie facing the stone. "I bet you're turning in your grave, aren't ya? Armin told me what you really feel about Mikasa." The blonde did in the early days when Jean and Mikasa started getting closer. Jean remembers how devastated he was when he found out it wasn't one-sided all along. Not because of any selfish reasons. It's because Jean knows that if Eren had just told Mikasa when he was still alive, Mikasa would've felt like she's the happiest woman in this bleak world.

Instead, Mikasa only found the truth bittersweet after Armin told her as well.

"You should've treated her better, you know. Even when you had your reasons but..." Jean's sentence halts when he realizes that he's talking about the past again. "Well, she just told me she loves me, what are you going to do about it, huh?" He pokes the stone repeatedly. "Are you going to curse me? Or punch me in my dreams?"

Jean is well aware that he looks like a mad man talking by himself. He chuckles then heaves out another sigh. "I wish I could talk to you again, Eren. I want to know what you feel about all this. Is this really... fine?"

Even if Eren is still alive, Jean wouldn't wait for his permission to be with Mikasa. That sounded rather ridiculous because it’s not like Jean has any chance if Eren is still breathing. However, despite their banters, Jean still considers that suicidal maniac as his friend. "Wherever you are Eren, in Heaven, the Afterlife, or most probably Hell cause there's no way God would let such annoying prick in the pearly gates… I just want you to know that I will take care of Mikasa with everything that I have. You can trust me on that."

Jean watches the grasses sway as the wind blows. He truly wants Eren to know that Mikasa is in good hands, that he won't take the life Eren opened up for them for granted.

The sound of footsteps approaching alerts him. Sitting up, Jean sees Mikasa and her red scarf approaching the tree with a little smile on her face. "Asking permission from Eren?" She asks jokingly once they're close enough.

"Nah, I'm just gloating to him." Jean sits up and reciprocates her smile.

"Should I be concern?"

Jean shakes his head. "Nope, I was being civilized to him, don't worry."

Mikasa lets out a soft laugh as she stands in front of him. "Then, it's my turn."

Once they're next to each other, Jean's holds her waist before pulling her close to give Mikasa a peck on her cheek. "I'll make ginger tea for you." The woman sends him a grateful smile before seeing Jean walking back down the hill.

Mikasa breathes out a sigh as she stares at Eren's tombstone. Just like the many times she does, she sits next to it with her back against the tree. There's something about this spot that's calming. Other villagers might think they're crazy for talking to a mere stone however... they all have a sense of relief when they sit here. "Do you think I'm selfish, Eren?" Mikasa starts as she dusts away the dried leaves surrounding Eren's stone. When it's clear, her fingers caress against the cold boulder. "When Armin told me that you loved me, I was so angry. Despair, at the future that we could have."

For some time, the vision of her and Eren by the small house keeps haunting her. Eren would bring home firewood while Mikasa would prepare drinks for him if he's thirsty. It was what Mikasa had begged the God, any God, to have it come true.

But… she was given new images. A much realer ones. Instead of Eren, Jean would sit on a log while he draws the windy trees and their cats. When Mikasa first witnessed such a scene, her hold on the tray of drinks tightened because it felt like déjà vu. It wasn't Eren that waits for her. Instead, Jean looked up, waving in her direction.

Her heart felt bittersweet.

The bitterness didn't last long though. For a while, Mikasa did felt bad that she's enjoying Jean's company more than she should. It almost felt like she's cheating. But Jean was there to distract her from such guilt. Jean shows her the present that she should cherish instead of the ‘what if’s. Funnily enough, Mikasa thinks that Jean doesn't even realize that he had such an effect on her.

It's all genuine coming from the man.

"I'm moving to a new step of my life. Becoming a mother. Can you believe that?" She chuckles. Albeit her laugh, Mikasa fingers go up to her face to wipe the tears that are trailing down her cheeks. "I used to think, how could I move forward without you? I don't want to take any step further if it meant the distance between us grows." Mikasa hated time. Mikasa hated those words "time will heal" because time doesn't heal. Time makes someone forget.

And Mikasa doesn't want to forget this strong feeling she has for Eren.

However, she was wrong. No matter how many steps Mikasa takes, Eren will always be there. In her heart and in her mind. Always until she's old and bedridden.

Even so.... Eren isn't the only one.

Remembering Eren doesn't always have to be grief. Although, most of the time, it is. Mikasa doesn't think she can ever think about Eren without feeling bittersweet. But...

Staring at her and Jean's house from this hill, she grins. Mikasa feels like bittersweet is better than just bitter only.

"I will never get tired of saying this. Eren, if you are somewhere above..." Mikasa glances up to the sky while leaning her side against the stone. The corners of her lips lift slightly. "I hope you are happy and free. And that you can continue watching over me and Armin."

Mikasa can't wait for her kids to grow up and learn about Eren. Naturally, they will learn about him in school. But Mikasa wants them to learn who Eren truly is. Without him, they wouldn't have a future. Without him, they wouldn't be born.

And definitely, without him... Mikasa wouldn't have fallen in love with a great man named Jean Kirschtein.

It’s a quiet night. This is a contrast to an hour ago when Mikasa was fighting for her dear life to push her baby out of her. An hour later after the midwife left, she is left in her room with her little girl.

Mikasa's body went through a lot ever since she was a teen. Bruises, cuts, and fractures were so common back then that she got used to them. However, there's no pain greater than childbirth. Her energy is at a two out of ten now and all she wants to do now is to go sleep.

Even so, how can she when she can't stop staring at the infant in her arms? It's like something has awakened within Mikasa. A feeling. A sensation where Mikasa would die for this bundle of joy. She would be everything this baby needs.

How can someone so little change her life?

Ever since the midwife hands the baby into Mikasa's arms, tears have never stopped pooling in her eyes.

When the baby in her arms move, Mikasa hushes her and rocks her while patting her small back. She's so tiny. It's too early to tell but Mikasa thinks she has her eyes. It seems like Jean's nose is something that she will be blessed with too.

"Hey," Jean gently kicks the door open with his foot as he brings in a glass of water, a pail, and a mini towel. "How are my girls doing?"

Mikasa watches Jean waddles inside with an excited smile. She couldn't help but chuckle at the bird nest on his head. Mikasa might have grabbed his hair a little too tight while delivering their precious daughter.

"Have a drink first." He hands Mikasa the glass of water. While Mikasa tends her thirst, Jean gently wipes her forehead and neck with a damped towel. "Are you comfortable?" He asks in worry.

She only hums in reply as she leans her head back. God, Mikasa is so exhausted. Her eyes are slowly getting droopy.

"Here. Let me hold her." Jean discards the towel aside and goes to climb on the bed right next to Mikasa. Carefully, he takes the baby into his arms. Although he's more awkward at holding the baby, but Jean is doing quite well. Both of them are. "She's so small." Jean whispers, bopping her nose gently with his index finger. "She’s got your black hair, thankfully."

"Still with the black hair?" Mikasa raises her brow in amusement.

"Black hair is pretty. I bet she'll grow up pretty like you." Jean glances at Mikasa before the baby fidgeting catches their attention. Their daughter lets out a yawn from her small lips and Jean does all his willpower to not plant kisses all over his baby's face.

Their little baby.

"You did well, Mikasa." Jean moves closer to Mikasa so that he can stretch his arm over Mikasa's shoulder and pull her close. Mikasa too shifts so that she's leaning her head on Jean. "I don't doubt you'll be an amazing mother."

Mikasa closes her eyes briefly before inhaling. There are no words that can explain how Mikasa feels right now. "I know you'll be a good father to her too." Mikasa mutters in awe. She feels a pair of lips pressed against her temple and her smile widens.

"So, the name is already decided, right?" Jean asks.

They had actually discussed the names beforehand. Since they didn't get any confirmation for the gender of the baby, they prepared 2 names. If the baby is a boy... he would be named after the man that made everything possible.

Eren

Eren Kirschtein.

Both of them doubled with laughter imagining how Eren would have grimaced at the thought of having a common name with Jean. But... it was Jean's idea. Mikasa finds it endearing.

Meanwhile, if the baby is born a girl, Mikasa was playing with the names of the people who meant so much to them. In the end, she had a brilliant name combination.

Marsha.

Named after Jean's and Mikasa's best friend. Marco and Sasha.

"Marsha Kirschtein." Mikasa murmurs as she stares fondly at the baby closing her fingers around her pinky.

"I love it." Jean grins, lifting the baby to his lips. "Welcome to the world, Marsha. Your mother and father love you so much." He whispers softly before planting a kiss on his daughter's forehead.

Mikasa watches the action with endearment bubbling in her chest. Her two important people in her life. Jean turns to her when he senses that she's watching. It felt like all stars align for Mikasa and Jean to share a kiss in the dim room with the creation of their love.

That's right.

Mikasa loves Jean and these past few months, throughout her pregnancy, she has never been surer of it. Seeing the way Jean puts her first before anything else. Sometimes they fight over nothing but Jean always comes back to make sure that Mikasa doesn't go to sleep with a troubled mind.

There was a time when Mikasa was 6 months into pregnancy and she was asleep at that time. The caresses on her big baby bump managed to wake her up but due to the voice, she kept her eyes closed.

"Little one, can you hear me?"

Despite not being able to see, Mikasa knew that Jean was talking to her stomach. It's really a funny sight to see Jean baby-talking to her belly every now and then. Sometimes he tells their child random things like he bought a new hair gel or that the flowers in their garden have bloomed. However, Mikasa found it loveable that even before the baby is born, it truly felt like there were already three of them.

"Isn't it stuffy inside there? Your mother and I can't wait for you to come out. But take your time. As long as you come out healthily. But not way too long. Your mother would feel uncomfortable and restless then."

Mikasa tried hard to not reveal the smile on her face. She decided to hear Jean's midnight conversation with their child. The brown-haired man continued. "All those years of fighting, despite fearing death, it was the only thing I did. Fight. Fight until God knows when. I dreamed of a family but never felt like it was anywhere within my reach." The sudden heavy words stunned Mikasa. The hand on her stomach stops and instead, she felt a press on her bare stomach. Mikasa assumed it would be the man's lips. "When you come out, when it's just the two of us, I'll tell you what a great woman your mother is. She's so badass that you can brag it to your friends later." Even Jean found his words funny as he laughed a little. "I don't know if I'll be the best father. It's my first time so I'm nervous. But... I promise you one thing. I'll love you both with all my life. Until my last breath. I'll show you a world full of love."

If Jean had glance upwards, he would have seen the tremors on Mikasa’s lips. Mikasa discreetly inhaled to hide any potential sobs from escaping because how can her heart not squeeze to that? She knew Jean loves her and he tells her that all the time since the day she told him about the pregnancy. Mikasa feels the same way despite not saying it as frequently as Jean does.

Listening to Jean’s promises, maybe it's her hormones that's making her choked up.

A world full of love.

She wishes nothing more than that for the three of them.

Eventually, Mikasa can't help the tear on the corner of her eyes to flow down her temple.

Coming back to the present, Mikasa feels her cheek wet again and it's not due to sweat this time. Mikasa has gone through so many near-death experiences including giving birth.

One may think someone who has been through what she does would value life so much. Mikasa didn't particularly fear death as much as most people do. However, seeing her family in front of her like this, if God truly exists out there, please let her stay alive to see her new family grows.

Forever doesn't exist but a long time does. So...

… Please let them be together for a long time.

That could be their forever.

"Hey, Jean."

Jean hums as a reply. The baby lets out another squeeze of her tiny hands that made Mikasa smile. Lifting her gaze from her baby to the baby's father, Mikasa bites her lips as her cheeks redden.

"Jean Kirschtein, will you marry me?"

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

—When Harry Met Sally