Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Imperials

Chapter Text

Stromcloaks

High King: galmar you spelled Stormcloaks wrong

Galmar: fUCK

*(@stonefist changed the chat name to Stormcloaks)*

*(@stonefist changed the chat name to ulfric is a simp for rikke)*

High King: galmar I will shout you into the sea of ghosts I swear to tALOS

Galmar: lmao bet

Dovahkiin: whats going on

High King: who are you

Dovahkiin: I was at Helgen

IWantMead: OH

IWantMead: ulfric ik her she was the girl in the cart with us

High King: oh

Galmar: anyways we were talking abt ulfric and rikkes relationship

High King: that's it you're going in the ocean

Galmar: I can swim you fool

Dovahkiin: wait rlly

Dovahkiin: HJASHSHS

Dovahkiin: im in the Imperials chat too im gonna tell rikke about this

Galmar: COME BACK AND TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU'RE DONE

IWantMead: ME TOO I WANNA HEAR WHAT HADVAR SAYS

High King: im executing you all after we take Solitude

Dovahkiin: can't execute the dragonborn bitch

Dovahkiin: the imperials already tried

High King: the what

IWantMead: the dragonborn

Galmar: well then

Dovahkiin: ok bye gonna go tell rikke now

IWantMead: ok

Dovahkiin: also im not choosing a side in this stupid af war but i doubt you'll take solitude

Dovahkiin: i doubt you'll even take morthal

High King: who tf cares about morthal

High King: Solitude, Windhelm, Whiterun, Markarth, and Riften are the major cities we would need

Dovahkiin: exactly

Galmar: damn you got played

*(@freshprinceofriverwood changed the chat name to Stormcloaks)*

High King: thank you

IWantMead: np

Chapter Text

The Imperials

Legate: There'd be no reason he wouldn't go after it.

General: thats a fairy tale why would he

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Sir, it's no fairy tale

Legate: The Crown would solidify his claim to the throne. Even if it was a fairy tale, he could make up some story and say he had it anyways.

Dovahkiin: rikke

Legate: I'm in the middle of something. Can it wait?

Dovahkiin: no

Dovahkiin: rikke

Dovahkiin: rikke

Dovahkiin: rikke

Legate: ...

Legate: What?

Dovahkiin: were you and ulfric fucking

General: WAHT

General: WHAT

EmpireLovesTheirLists: by the nine can I not have one day in this chat without something like this happening

EmpireLovesTheirLists: *eight

Legate: um

Legate: Yes.

Legate: But I don't understand why you would want to know that-

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I think I do

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I'm gonna go hack the Stormcloaks chat to see if I'm right

Legate: Why do you know how to hack the Stormcloaks chat??? 

General: why don't you

Legate: Because I have common sense.

Legate: And for the record, all of you concern me. Greatly.

Dovahkiin: good

Chapter Text

 Stormcloaks

IWantMead: is she bakc yet

IWantMead: back*

Galmar: no

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Ralof

High King: who's this

IWantMead: Hadvar how'd you get in here

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I hacked the chat

IWantMead: why tho

Dovahkiin: you know why 

Galmar: oh 

High King: karma

IWantMead: it's only karma if Rikke shows up

Legate: You called?

IWantMead: well fuck ig it is karma now

General: how goes the rebellion

High King: um

High King: why and how are you in here

General: we all know how to hack chats

Dovahkiin: except for Rikke I had to help her

General: and also why not, the dragonborn is in both chats so why can't we be

EmpireLovesTheirLists: We're on opposite sides of a war and the Dragonborn is neutral-

Legate: Galmar.

Galmar: ?

Legate: Did you start this?

Galmar: no it was Ralof

IWantMead: lies

High King: it was Galmar

Legate: Ok.

Galmar: why did I just hear a sword unsheath

Legate: Because I'm in Windhelm standing 2 feet behind you.

High King: Why are you in Windhelm

Legate: Wouldn't you like to know.

High King: yes I would actually

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Ralof, are you in Windhelm rn

IWantMead: yes

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Ok can you go stop Rikke from killing Galmar then

IWantMead: maybe

Galmar: ay we're on the same side here come help me

High King: can't you fight her off yourself???

Galmar: no

Galmar: she scares me

IWantMead: though she be but little she is fierce

Galmar: stfu and come help me ralof

General: hold on im coming there

High King: no

Legate: I wouldn't advise that, sir, considering we are still in the middle of a civil war here. I can guess why I'm allowed in here, but you're not getting in here until we actually take Eastmarch.

High King: ^

Chapter Text

The Cult

magic man: why is that the chat name

Guardian: Because this is a literal cult

Guardian: ...Ahzidal why is your name that

magic man: why is yours that

Guardian: because that's what "Vahlok" translates to???

Zahkriisos: could've just put your name as vahlok tho

glory: and you could have put yours as the translation

Zahkriisos: gods no, I'm not putting my name as "sword-blood"

disgrace: i mean, i kinda put mine as the translation too

Dovahkiin1.0: nobody cares dukaan

Guardian: be nice

Dovahkiin1.0: make me vahlok

BloodForTheBloodGod: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Gatekeeper: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Guardian: NAHKRIIN

Dovahkiin1.0: HEVNORAAK I SWEAR TO HERMAEUS MORA

Guardian: swear to who now

MadHatter: (ಠ_ರೃ)

Dovahkiin1.0: nobody

Jonestown: imagine serving hermaeus mora

Dovahkiin1.0: imagine telling your followers to kill themselves

Jonestown: touche

MadHatter: "touche"

MadHatter: you people are amazing at taking a dark serious situation and turning it into a joke

Jonestown: says you

MadHatter: did i turn my situation into a joke though? no

*(@vahlok added @hahathuumgobrr to the chat)*

Dovahkiin1.0: no

Dovahkiin1.0: no

Dovahkiin1.0: remove her right now

Dovahkiin: are you just terrified i'll beat you halfway to oblivion again

Dovahkiin1.0: no absolutely not what are you talking about

Dovahkiin: mhm sure

Guardian: I'm not removing her, she's the only normal one of you lot

disgrace: wait wydm again

MadHatter: AHAHAHAHHAH DID SHE SERIOUSLY BEAT YOU

MadHatter: IMAGINE THAT

Dovahkiin1.0: stfu she beat you too

MadHatter: fuck you're right

Guardian: she beat all of us i think

Chapter Text

We're Thieves

*(@ihaveimportantthingstodo added @hahathuumgobrr to the chat)*

Delvin: brynjolf who the hell is this

Irishman: someone i found in the market

Irishman: she could be a good addition to the guild

ItVexesMe: I doubt it

Delvin: nah

PourMeADrink: no

barkeep: idk

barkeep: also doesn't mercer get a say in this

Irishman: is it bad that i lowkey forgot about him

ItVexesMe: yeah

Irishman: @guildmaster we need your judgement

Mercer: what do you need my judgement for

Mercer: look at the votes for and against

Mercer: ...

Mercer: "is it bad that I lowkey forgot about him"

Mercer: yeah definitely

Irishman: look im tired alr

Irishman: I've been up since 6 AM listening to delvin going off about vex

Delvin: were you even listening to all of that

Irishman: no i zoned out about 5 minutes in

Dovahkiin: damn this is boring compared to the other chats im in

ItVexesMe: why what other chats are you in

Dovahkiin: uh lets see here

Dovahkiin: im just in the imperials and stormcloak chats but ill go hack others soon

Dovahkiin: but there's some weird drama going down in those two chats ngl

Mercer: back to the topic at hand

Mercer: i'll let you in but you have to get into goldenglow estate, clear out the safe, and get back here with whatever's in the safe

ItVexesMe: lmao bye new addition

Dovahkiin: alr brb

ItVexesMe: wait what the fuck you're gonna do it just like that

Irishman: uh mercer shouldn't you tell her what shes walking into

Mercer: i have a guild to run

Mercer: tell her yourself

Irishman: fine

Irishman: oh fuck she already left

ItVexesMe: eh it's fine

ItVexesMe: you win some you lose some

Irishman: i

Irishman: vex wtf

PourMeADrink: this is random but why are the others not in this chat

Irishman: they dont want to be in here ig

ItVexesMe: oh wait i forgot to add sapphire she was trying to join

*(@fuckoffdelvin added @imnottellingyoumyrealname to the chat)*

DiamondInTheRough: finally

ItVexesMe: sorry we were dealing with a new person

DiamondInTheRough: oh was that who passed me on the street running like oblivion towards goldenglow

ItVexesMe: yep

DiamondInTheRough: let me guess nobody told her what was at goldenglow

Irishman: i was going to but then she left

DiamondInTheRough: damn RIP new girl then

Irishman: why are you both so casual about her most likely dying

ItVexesMe: because the guilds gone to oblivion and we have no other source of entertainment

Mercer: "no other source of entertainment"

Mercer: i

Mercer: i really don't get paid enough to deal with you all

Chapter Text

Werewolves of London

no himbo: who changed the chat name

himbo: not me

Skjor: wasn't me either I have better things to do

no himbo: aela was it you

Girlboss: that hurt vilkas

Girlboss: i can't believe you would accuse me of something so terrible

no himbo: aela stop being dramatic and answer the godsdamn question

Girlboss: fine :(

Girlboss: it wasn't be

Girlboss: me

Girlboss: maybe it was kodlak

no himbo: why in oblivion would he care what the chat name was

Girlboss: idk why do you

no himbo: it's not professional

Girlboss: and the companions are?

Girlboss: athis and njada are in a fistfight as we speak and torvar ria and the new girl i found are egging them on

no himbo: ...

no himbo: you have a point there

no himbo: wait what new girl

Kodlak: can you two take whatever you're talking about to dms please im trying to sleep

Girlboss: damn i was gonna send this girl i found to you so you could evaluate her but ig not

Girlboss: let me add her in that might be easier

*(@huntress added @hahathuumgobrr to the chat)*

Dovahkiin: hey bitches

no himbo: i like her already

Kodlak: AELA

Kodlak: TGHE WRONG CHAT THE WRONG CHAT THE WRONG CHAT

Girlboss: OH SHTI

*(@huntress removed @hahathuumgobrr from the chat)*

Girlboss: that was close

no himbo: im blaming you if she read the other texts and leaks our secret to the entire province

Girlboss: i don't think she had time to do that so we're good

Girlboss: hopefully

Chapter Text

The College

YouShallNotPass: mirabelle its cold out here

tacocat: ofc its cold it's winterhold

tacocat: wait that rhymed

tacocat: j'zargo is a genius

MasterWizard: use a fire spell then

YouShallNotPass: alr

YouShallNotPass: now that i think about it that was kinda an obvious solution

Tolfdir: are the three of you here yet

tacocat: j'zargo is coming

Onmund: im almost there

DunmerPride: same im almost there

*(@guardduty added @hahathuumgobrr to the chat)*

YouShallNotPass: tolfdir there's another one coming

Tolfdir: alr

Supervisor: Joy.

Supervisor: Another one.

DunmerPride: fuck off ancano nobody asked you

Supervisor: Must I remind you that it is my job to oversee the operations of this college, and to confiscate any dangerous magical artifacts you may have and present them to the Dominion. As such, I must keep tabs on ALL of you. That includes this newest Nord.

Onmund: wait there's another nord

Onmund: yay im not alone :D

Dovahkiin: nord gang

Dovahkiin: yo guys we should start an ancano hate club

Supervisor: You've know me for 2 seconds and you already hate me.

Dovahkiin: I hate the Thalmor they're problematic af

Dovahkiin: except Ondolemar I like him he's cool

MasterWizard: i agree on the hate club

Supervisor: Mirabelle, you're supposed to be on my side here, at least professionally. What would the Arch-Mage say?

Archmage: i'll fund the club

MasterWizard: that

Supervisor: I hate you all.

Tolfdir: the feeling's mutual

Chapter Text

The Thalmor

ThalmorSupremacy: Well? Do any of you have anything to report?

Supervisor: Nothing much. All I have is that some Nord girl has become the newest student at the College and HIGHLY overstepped her boundaries within the first 5 minutes.

ThalmorSupremacy: And... who exactly is she?

Supervisor: I'm going to assume the Dragonborn, considering I just heard something along the lines of "Joor Zah Frul your ass down here, you coward of a dragon"

ThalmorSupremacy: The Dragonborn.

Supervisor: Yes.

Rulundil: And you're this calm considering there's apparently a dragon attacking Winterhold?

Supervisor: The Dragonborn has it under control.

Supervisor: Speaking of her, do you happen to know her, Ondolemar?

Ondolemar: If it's who I think it is, she helped me expose a Talos worshipper in Markarth. So yes, I know her. 

Ondolemar: Why? Did she say anything about me?

Supervisor: She said, and I quote "the thalmor are problematic af, except for Ondolemar i like him he's cool".

Supervisor: That was after she decided to start a hate club for me.

Ondolemar: Understandable.

Supervisor: What is?

Ondolemar: The hate club. :)

*(@thatonethalmoragent removed @markarthgang from the chat)*

ThalmorSupremacy: Add him back. He is still an agent of the Dominion, no matter your opinion on him.

Supervisor: ...

Supervisor: Very well.

*(@thatonethalmoragent added @markarthgang to the chat)*

ThalmorSupremacy: Thank you.

ThalmorSupremacy: Rulundil, you've been mostly quiet. Any progress with the thief?

Rulundil: No.

ThalmorSupremacy: Hm. Very well, then.

Supervisor: @masterrace do I have permission to either maim or kill the Dragonborn?

ThalmorSupremacy: Why?

Supervisor: She, the other students, and I'm going to assume the Master Wizard as well, set shock runes in my room.

ThalmorSupremacy: The Master Wizard?

Supervisor: A Breton by the name of Mirabelle Ervine. In all honesty, I had hoped she would act more professional. I suppose I shouldn't have expected too much, considering I can hear her, the students, and the Arch-Mage currently dying of laughter around the corner.

Ondolemar: You know, it kinda says something about you if you're hated by everyone at the College...

Supervisor: Don't test my patience, Ondolemar.

Ondolemar: Fine, fine. But you know I'm right.

Chapter Text

Oblivion

BookNerd: @all help me

BookNerd: Miraak's trying to escape again

GraceOfShadows: @plottinggobrr

MasterManipulator: wtf do you want me to do

GraceOfShadows: go help your brother

MasterManipulator: no

MasterManipulator: do it yourself

GraceOfShadows: I have more pressing matters at the moment.

MasterManipulator: like what

GraceOfShadows: that ABSOLUTE SON OF A BITCH MERCER FREY stole the skeleton key and nobody's returned it yet. this'll be the 25th year anniversary of its theft

BookNerd: FOR OBLIVIONS SAKE SOMEONE 

Warmonger: dude calm down

BookNerd: "calm down"

BookNerd: says the litERAL DAEDRIC PRINCE OF DESTRUCTION AND VIOLENT UPHEAVAL

Boogeyman: I would help but I don't like you

ANewHandTouchesTheBeacon: same

BlackPlague: I have to go do something so i cant help

BookNerd: what are you going to do

BlackPlague: uh

BlackPlague: yes

Huntsman: can yall shut tf up I'm trying to hunt down this werewolf dude

DogDays: iM tRyInG tO hUnT dOwN tHiS WerEWolF DUdE

Huntsman: i will come to the fields of regret and strangle you i swear to myself

DominationYes: now that's a fight I want to see

CHEESE: SAME

NoTimeForWeaklings: do you really need to type in all caps

CHEESE: MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN

Cannibalism: it's not he's lying

CHEESE: I DIDN'T ASK YOU NAMIRA :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

DeceptionGoBrr: i hate this man

DawnAndDusk: mood

ANewHandTouchesTheBeacon: mood

DominationYes: you can't talk Meridia you're also annoying

ANewHandTouchesTheBeacon: >:(

BookNerd: nvm we're good now he's not trying to escape anymore

Chapter Text

We're Thieves

Irishman: @hahathuumgobrr

Irishman: lass, it's been 2 days

Irishman: i don't think goldenglow and honningbrew would take that long

Irishman: where are you

Dovahkiin: oh fuck i forgot about honningbrew

Dovahkiin: im in winterhold killing a dragon so i can take its soul

Irishman: ?????? 

Irishman: why are you in winterhold?????

Dovahkiin: the other students at the college needed help pranking the thalmor dude there

Irishman: oh

Irishman: wait

Irishman: wdym taking a dragons soul

ItVexesMe: shes the dragonborn you idiot

Irishman: THE DRAGONBORN

Dovahkiin: ye that's what my username is

Dovahkiin: in dragon language anyways

Dovahkiin: alr i killed the dragon let me go to honningbrew now

Irishman: can we talk for a second about the fact that the random, seemingly unassuming girl i just happened to find entering the city one day was the GODSDAMN DRAGONBORN

Irishman: ...

Irishman: did you really all just log off the second i said that

Private Chat: Mercer and Dovahkiin

Mercer: ok now that you're finally done with the honningbrew job

Mercer: did sabjorn's letters say anything that could help us

Dovahkiin: it said something about a Gajul-Lei but idk if that helps

Mercer: that does, actually

Mercer: Gajul-Lei is the alias of one of our contacts, Gulum-Ei, in Solitude, at the East Empire Company

Mercer: if anything, whoever Gulum-Ei's working with bought goldenglow from him

Dovahkiin: so im assuming you want me to go to solitude and ask him about it

Mercer: yes, and shadow him if he refuses to tell you anything useful

Dovahkiin: ight brb

We're Thieves

Dovahkiin: alr im gonna brb mercer told me to go question gulum-ei abt goldenglow

Irishman: ?????

Irishman: why would he know anything about that

ItVexesMe: whatever he knows about it, I doubt he'd be able to deal with something like that alone

ItVexesMe: my guess is, whoever funded honningbrew also bought goldenglow from him, and paid him good money for him not to reveal anything to the guild should we come asking

Chapter Text

Hail Sithis

RedguardAssassin: who the fuck

LittleButFierce: language

RedguardAssassin: whom the fuck

Astrid: what

RedguardAssassin: somebody killed the lady at the orphanage before i could

Astrid: what

Astrid: @all

Astrid: do you know who

Dumbledore: no

Dumbledore: also the service is terrible out here in Morthal

Arnbjorn: we know

Arnbjorn: also idk who killed the orphanage lady

ShadowScale: idk either

Gabs: idk 

Gabs: neither does lis

RedguardAssassin: is Cicero in here does he know

Astrid: no he's not but I don't think he'd know

Astrid: he dmed me saying he was stuck in Whiterun bc of a broken wheel

Arnbjorn: good I don't want to have to deal with him sooner than I have to

Astrid: arnbjorn be nice he's the Keeper he deserves some respect

Dumbledore: ^

RedguardAssassin: Wait i take that back I might know who killed Grelod

RedguardAssassin: astrid do you want to try to recruit her or do you want me to take her out

LittleButFierce: take her out in what way tho

RedguardAssassin: for Sithis' sake babette 

LittleButFierce: hey I'm just trying to find you a nice match :)

Astrid: I'll try to recruit her

RedguardAssassin: alr let me send a note to her via courier

Astrid: ok

Chapter Text

The Companions

Dovahkiin: that do be suspicious tho

Njada: what

Dovahkiin: aela added me in the circle chat and then kodlak was overly concerned by my being in there and told aela to remove me

Girlboss: it's bc you're not a member of the circle

Girlboss: also we talk about some uh

Girlboss: personal stuff in there

Skjor: like vilkas' complete lack of a love life

no himbo: skjor i swear to the gods

Skjor: what im right

Skjor: any one of us could romance someone better than you could

Girlboss: bitch what

Girlboss: i've never seen a flirting attempt crash and burn harder than your attempt with lilith maiden-loom yesterday

Skjor: and i saw your attempt with ysolda today

Girlboss: damn you saw that

Njada: wait aela i thought you and skjor had something going on

Skjor: ?????????????????

Girlboss: wtf no where did you get that idea

himbo: what's going on

Dovahkiin: this faction's love lives are crashing and burning

Dovahkiin: and frankly it's entertaining

Ria: guys i just killed a bear

no himbo: ok and

Dovahkiin: i killed a dragon yesterday

Ria: what

Ria: WHAT

Ria: A DRAGON

Dovahkiin: yeah im the dragonborn thats kinda my thing

no himbo: YOU'RE THE DRAGONBORN?????????????

no himbo: i rescind my earlier statement about you being a no-name outsider with no experience

Dovahkiin: wtf

himbo: what

Dovahkiin: the courier just handed me a note and told me a creepy dude in a black robe gave it to him and told him to give it to me

Girlboss: what does it say

Dovahkiin: "we know" and it has a black handprint

Skjor: ???

Skjor: WAIT

Skjor: WERE YOU IN RIFTEN WHEN THAT LADY AT THE ORPHANAGE WAS MURDERED

Dovahkiin: yeah im the one that killed her

Skjor: WHAT THE FUCK WHELP

Girlboss: UM

Girlboss: DID YOU DO THAT WITH THE INTENT TO JOIN THE DARK BROTHERHOOD???

Dovahkiin: the what

no himbo: a group of assassins

Dovahkiin: oh

Dovahkiin: idk im in the thieves guild already so sure

Skjor: BY THE GODS

Skjor: WHY ARE YOU IN ALL THE BAD GUILDS

Dovahkiin: hey

Dovahkiin: the only reasons i joined the thieves guild are 1

Dovahkiin: the dude who got me to join was hot

Dovahkiin: and 2

Dovahkiin: money

Chapter Text

Hail Sithis

*(@darkbrotherhoodforever added @hahathuumgobrr to the chat)*

Astrid: guys we have a new kid say hi

RedguardAssassin: hi

LittleButFierce: hi

Dumbledore: ...

ShadowScale: hi

Gabs: hi

Dovahkiin: um

Dovahkiin: look this is nice and all but i kinda have to go tell somebody something fairly important

Astrid: get contracts from nazir and then you can go

Astrid: but first

Astrid: who are you telling and what are you telling them

Dovahkiin: i have to go back to riften and tell mercer who bought goldenglow

Astrid: oh the thieves guild

Astrid: nice

Astrid: tell delvin hi for me

Dovahkiin: ok

Arnbjorn: wait

Dovahkiin: ?

Arnbjorn: are you with the companions too

Dovahkiin: ye

Arnbjorn: nice did you know they're werewolves

Arnbjorn: at least the members of the circle are

Dovahkiin: ohhhhh thats why aela removed me from the circle chat so fast

Dovahkiin: but yeah i knew they were 

Dovahkiin: farkas transformed in front of me in dustmans cairn

Arnbjorn: ok

RedguardAssassin: babette you can stow it now that she's here

Dovahkiin: what

RedguardAssassin: babette, or LittleButFierce, was trying to set me up with you yesterday

Dovahkiin: ok

Dovahkiin: im p sure im already with bryn but ok

RedguardAssassin: @dollarstorebellaswan see

LittleButFierce: fine

RedguardAssassin: anyways your contracts are ennodius papius in eastmarch, beitild in the pale, and narfi in the rift

Dovahkiin: sweet

Chapter Text

We're Thieves

Dovahkiin: ok im back

Dovahkiin: i was inducted into the dark brotherhood along the way

Dovahkiin: delvin astrid told me to say hi to you

Delvin: nice

Mercer: ok what'd you find out

Dovahkiin: somebody named karliah bought goldenglow idk who that is tho

Mercer: oh fuck

Mercer: @ihaveimportantthingstodo brynjolf

Mercer: karliah's back

Irishman: great

Irishman: just great

Dovahkiin: who's karliah

Dovahkiin: and why is she so important

ItVexesMe: she's the one who killed gallus, the guildmaster before mercer

ItVexesMe: makes it even worse if you know they were in a relationship beforehand

Dovahkiin: damn

Mercer: eh i still say it wasn't a relationship, she was just softening him up for the kill

Mercer: and it didn't help gallus' case that he was absolutely smitten by her

Mercer: anyways

Mercer: did gulum-ei say where karliah was

Dovahkiin: he said that she said she was going to where the end began

Mercer: ah

Mercer: snow veil sanctum then

Mercer: brynjolf you're in charge while im gone

Irishman: alr

Dovahkiin: i'll meet you there

Mercer: ok

Chapter Text

The Cult

Dovahkiin: guys do you have any tips for murdering people without being noticed

Guardian: why the actual fuck are you asking that

Guardian: by the gods what has society come to

Guardian: an arrow to the throat is best in my experience

Dovahkiin1.0: woah

Dovahkiin1.0: vahlok being violent

Dovahkiin1.0: i never thought id see the day

Guardian: miraak i literally shouted you off a cliff during our fight

Dovahkiin1.0: oh right

Dovahkiin: for apparently being not violent most of the time he sure was when i went in his tomb

Dovahkiin: i had to hide behind the gate and use the frost breath shout like 80 times

Guardian: tbf i thought you were miraak

Guardian: also what did you expect you were walking into the tomb of a literal dragon priest

Dovahkiin: yeah but you're regarded as the only benevolent one

MadHatter: what am i chopped horker

ShadowsLife: you went insane and killed your own people

MountainGang: i still think sheogorath had something to do with that

MadHatter: true

Guardian: it's true that i was the only truly benevolent dragon priest

Guardian: BUT IVE BEEN DEAD FOR 3000 YEARS LET ME REST IN PEACE GODSDAMNIT

ImHorrible: he speaks for all of us when he says that

BloodForTheBloodGod: back to the topic of murdering people, I say drown em if there's water nearby

Dovahkiin: hey all of my targets are near water so that might actually work 

Dovahkiin: thanks

BloodForTheBloodGod: np

Chapter Text

The Companions

Skjor: @hahathuumgobrr

Skjor: where are you i have a job for you

Dovahkiin: uh im up in eastmarch going to kill a traitor to the thieves guild can it wait

Skjor: i

Skjor: im not going to ask about that

Skjor: but fine ig it can wait

Dovahkiin: ok ty

Dovahkiin: wait whats the job so i can be prepared for it when i come back

himbo: you and i are going someplace to get a fragment of wuuthrad

Dovahkiin: wtf is wuuthrad

no himbo: yesgramor's battleaxe

no himbo: *ysgramor's

Girlboss: yesgramor

no himbo: aela no

Girlboss: YESGRAMOR

Girlboss: KODLAK CAN I CALL YSGRAMOR THAT FROM NOW ON

Kodlak: idc

Skjor: ngl id laugh if ysgramors ghost came in here and told you off for that

Njada: don't be stupid ghosts can't come in chats

Ria: if they could that'd be weird

Dovahkiin: ok im gonna go hunt karliah down now let's hope i dont die

himbo: good luck

Private Chat: Sneak100 and Dovahkiin

Dovahkiin: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Dovahkiin: THAT SON OF A BITCH

Sneak100: my sentiments exactly

Dovahkiin: ok sorry ig for thinking you were a traitor when it was actually mercer

Sneak100: i'm sure the rest of the guild thinks that too, so you're fine

Dovahkiin: so what do we do now

Dovahkiin: should i go to the guild and tell them

Sneak100: no

Sneak100: chances are, mercer's already gone back and told them that you either are dead or that you turned against him

Sneak100: and even if that isn't the case, I doubt they'd believe you on word alone

Sneak100: that's why i was at snow veil sanctum in the first place

Dovahkiin: wdym

Sneak100: gallus had a journal on him detailing his suspicions about mercer

Dovahkiin: oh

Dovahkiin: sweet let's go back to the guild and show them

Sneak100: i'd do that if there wasn't a problem

Sneak100: the contents of the journal are in a language i've never seen before

Dovahkiin: uh let's find someone to translate it then

Sneak100: wait i think enthir or someone he knows may actually be able to translate it 

Sneak100: good idea

Dovahkiin: is enthir the dude at the college of winterhold

Sneak100: yes

Dovahkiin: alr

Sneak100: wait how do you know him

Dovahkiin: im a member of the college

Dovahkiin: also if you happen to pass through dawnstar, windhelm, and/or ivarstead and hear people talking about a murder don't worry

Dovahkiin: that was me

Sneak100: um

Sneak100: please tell me those weren't thieves guild affiliated people who rubbed you the wrong way

Dovahkiin: no they were dark brotherhood targets

Sneak100: oh

Sneak100: WAIT WHY ARE YOU WITH THE DARK BROTHERHOOD

Dovahkiin: same reason im with the thieves guild

Dovahkiin: hot people and money

Sneak100: if gallus were here to read this he'd be genuinely concerned for you

Dovahkiin: understandable

Dovahkiin: as he should be

Chapter Text

On The Run

Dovahkiin: ok so i totally didn't just steal the translation guide and get half of markarth's guards chasing after me

Sneak100: that explains this chat name then

Enthir: lol some thief you are

Sneak100: be quiet she's trying

Sneak100: it's not like she's gallus

Enthir: karliah we may be having this convo over text but you do realize i can see you in the corner trying not to cry 

Dovahkiin: wtf is going on

Enthir: oh did karliah not tell you her and gallus were in a relationship prior to the snow veil sanctum thing

Dovahkiin: i vaguely remember someone telling me that but idk if it was karliah or not

Sneak100: anyways back to the current situation

Dovahkiin: ok enthir i just dmed you the translation guide

Enthir: thanks

Enthir: karliah ill send it to you when im done

Sneak100: alr

Sneak100: ok i just got it thanks

Enthir: np

Enthir: good luck to both of you

We're Thieves

*(@hahathuumgobrr added @dunmerthief to the chat)*

Dovahkiin: yall ik the situation seems bad but listen please

Irishman: i'll say it looks bad

Irishman: you and mercer go to snow veil sanctum to kill karliah, mercer comes back alone and barely says a word to us before he leaves to gods know where, then you come back with karliah

Irishman: care to explain, lass?

Sneak100: brynjolf listen

Sneak100: i did not kill gallus 

Sneak100: and i am not the one who robbed the guild blind over the span of 25 years

Sneak100: it was mercer, all of it

ItVexesMe: robbed the guild????

Delvin: i didn't hear anything about robbing the guild wtf is going on-

Irishman: and do you have proof of this?

Irishman: bc everything you just said is a serious accusal

Sneak100: i just sent you gallus' journal and its translation

Irishman: oh no

Irishman: oh no

Delvin: bryn wtf did that journal say

Irishman: delvin here's my key go unlock the vault

ItVexesMe: oh shit

ItVexesMe: don't tell me mercer actually robbed us blind

Delvin: BY OBLIVION

Delvin: BRYNJOLF GET IN HERE

Delvin: VEX GET IN HERE

Irishman: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Irishman: MERCER ACTUALLY DID IT

ItVexesMe: THAT SON OF A BITCH

ItVexesMe: I'M GONNA GO KILL HIM BRB

Irishman: VEX GET BACK HERE 

Irishman: we need an actual plan

Private Chat: Irishman, Sneak100, and Dovahkiin

Irishman: ok while i try to convince vex to stand down

Irishman: i need an explanation of everything

Sneak100: as you've probably figured out by now, i was behind goldenglow and honningbrew, and i didn't kill gallus

Irishman: ye, i figured that. from the looks of that last entry in his journal, gallus was getting close to exposing mercer

Irishman: anything else?

Dovahkiin: idk exactly what they are but apparently mercer gallus and karliah were nightingales

Irishman: WHAT

Irishman: NIGHTINGALES????

Irishman: holy shit i thought they were a myth

Sneak100: nope

Dovahkiin: but other than those three things that's it

Irishman: alr

Irishman: ok lass i need you to go break into mercer's house and see if he left any clues as to where hes gone

Dovahkiin: in riften?

Irishman: yeah

Dovahkiin: alr brb

Irishman: alr karliah im sorry for how the guild's treated you all these years

Sneak100: it's fine it was expected

Dovahkiin: ok im back

Dovahkiin: totally didn't accidentally break into the blackbriar manor at first

Irishman: ...

Irishman: wow.

Dovahkiin: look you didn't tell me exactly where his house was

Irishman: you're right sorry

Sneak100: was there anything that said where he was going

Dovahkiin: a paper said something about the eyes of the falmer and irkngthand

Irishman: SHORS BONES

Sneak100: oh gods the eyes of the falmer

Sneak100: we need to stop him NOW

Dovahkiin: what are the eyes of the falmer and why are they so important

Irishman: stealing the eyes of the falmer was gallus' pet project

Irishman: and the eyes are gemstones bigger than a man's head

Irishman: if mercer manages to steal them before we get to irkngthand, we can be certain he'll be gone for good and set up for life

Sneak100: before we do anything related to irkngthand, i need you both to meet me near the old standing stone south of the city

Dovahkiin: alr

Irishman: will do

Chapter Text

Caw Caw Motherfuckers

*(@dunmerthief added @hahathuumgobrr and @ihaveimportantthingstodo to the chat)*

Irishman: so this is the nightingales chat huh

Sneak100: yep

Sneak100: wait i forgot to kick mercer

*(@dunmerthief removed @guildmaster from the chat)*

Sneak100: there we go

Dovahkiin: why is the chat name something i would name the chat

Sneak100: that would be gallus' handiwork

Dovahkiin: i like him already

Sneak100: based on all interactions i've had with you, it's safe to say you two would have gotten along well

HonorAmongThieves: i agree

Irishman: WHAT THE FUCK

Sneak100: GALLUS HOW ARE YOU HERE

HonorAmongThieves: i mean

HonorAmongThieves: nobody ever technically removed me from the chat

HonorAmongThieves: and i do still have reception in here

HonorAmongThieves: so

HonorAmongThieves: how's the guild doing these days

Irishman: terrible

Irishman: we've been down on our luck ever since you died

Irishman: we only just got back on our feet 

Irishman: mercer, after framing karliah for your murder, proceeded to rob the guild blind over the span of 25 years

Irishman: and now he's going after the eyes of the falmer

HonorAmongThieves: THE EYES

HonorAmongThieves: wait where are they

Dovahkiin: in irkngthand

HonorAmongThieves: HA

HonorAmongThieves: when you guys get back to the guild tell delvin he owes me 500 septims

Sneak100: you really bet delvin 500 septims that the eyes were in irkngthand

HonorAmongThieves: of course :)

HonorAmongThieves: wait i can just go tell him myself

HonorAmongThieves: i am still in the main chat i think

Sneak100: GALLUS I LOVE YOU DEARLY

Sneak100: BUT PLEASE BY THE GODS

Sneak100: DO NOT GO INTO THE MAIN CHAT

Dovahkiin: do it i wanna see their reactions

Sneak100: DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM

HonorAmongThieves: now i see why you said we would get along well karliah

HonorAmongThieves: brb

Sneak100: NO

Irishman: yeah this is gonna go over well

Sneak100: oh FUCK

Sneak100: WHAT IF MERCER COMES BACK IN THE CHAT JUST AS GALLUS COMES IN

Dovahkiin: now that i wanna see

We're Thieves

Mercer: hey guys i need your help with something

ItVexesMe: oh don't even ask you son of a bitch

Delvin: you robbed the guild blind and framed karliah for gallus' murder

DiamondInTheRough: if you were here in person i would personally make you suffer

Mercer: now look ik this looks bad

HonorAmongThieves: don't try to defend yourself mercer it's just gonna backfire

Delvin: WHAT

ItVexesMe: GALLUS?!?!?

Mercer: GALLUS HOW IN OBLIVION

HonorAmongThieves: i have my ways

*(@ripthatguildmasterayy added @blackbriarmead to the chat)*

Mercer: gallus

Mercer: GALLUS DON'T FUCKING START

HonorAmongThieves: karma's a bitch isn't it mercer

Maven: why am i here

Dovahkiin: reasons

Maven: are you still in my house

Dovahkiin: no im at irkngthand with karliah and brynjolf we're gonna kill mercer

Maven: ok

*(@blackbriarmead left the chat)*

Mercer: ok

Mercer: that's it

Mercer: just ok

DiamondInTheRough: wait why was it such a big deal to mercer that maven was in here

HonorAmongThieves: did he ever tell you how the thieves guild got maven's backing

*(@guildmaster left the chat)*

*(@ripthatguildmasterayy added @guildmaster to the chat)*

HonorAmongThieves: Oh no.

HonorAmongThieves: After what you did to Karliah and her reputation you're staying here you son of a bitch.

PourMeADrink: go ahead and spill the tea i wanna hear

barkeep: same

HonorAmongThieves: one sentence

HonorAmongThieves: her contact name is milf

Mercer: how the fuck do you know that

HonorAmongThieves: i may be 25 years dead but that doesn't mean i don't know how to hack phones and contact lists

barkeep: wait

barkeep: does that mean

barkeep: AHASHHAHAHHAHAHAHR

DiamondInTheRough: DKLFLDHFDFDFDFHFOEOIFEHE PLEASE

ItVexesMe: IM NEVER GONNA FORGET THAT INFORMATION LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Dovahkiin: thank you for sharing that now im gonna buy all the black briar mead i can and keep it on my desk when i become guildmaster

HonorAmongThieves: oh you're gonna be the next guildmaster

HonorAmongThieves: nice

HonorAmongThieves: i hope you run the guild with the same chaotic energy i did

Dovahkiin: i will

Sneak100: how did i manage to put up with you AND the dragonborn gallus

HonorAmongThieves: who knows

HonorAmongThieves: wait she's the dragonborn

Dovahkiin: yep

HonorAmongThieves: sweet

Chapter Text

Hail Sithis

RedguardAssassin: where the fuck is the new girl 

RedguardAssassin: it's been three days since i gave her those contracts

Astrid: idk i've heard about there being murders in ivarstead, dawnstar, and by windhelm, but idk where she is specifically

RedguardAssassin: @hahathuumgobrr

Dovahkiin: sorry sorry i was enjoying the chaos a dead guy was creating in the thieves guild chat

Dovahkiin: and also i may or may not have just witnessed karliah repeatedly kicking mercer down the stairs

Astrid: what

RedguardAssassin: what

Astrid: who's karliah and why is she kicking mercer down the stairs

Dovahkiin: shes the gf of the last guildmaster and she's still mad abt mercer killing said guildmaster 25 years ago

Astrid: wait what the fuck mercer killed gallus

Astrid: by sithis

LittleButFierce: and she's

LittleButFierce: kicking him down the stairs to kill him???

Dovahkiin: no no i basically killed him she's just finishing the job

Dovahkiin: also this place is filling with water really fast so if i log off in a second i drowned

RedguardAssassin: what

RedguardAssassin: where are you

Dovahkiin: irkngthand a dwarven ruin in eastmarch

RedguardAssassin: how in oblivion are you supposed to get more contracts if you're dead in eastmarch

Dovahkiin: i technically could just pull a gallus and stay in this chat and kill people as a ghost

ghosted: works for me so it could work for you

Dovahkiin: who the fuck is this

ghosted: Lucien Lachance. Once an assassin for the Dark Brotherhood. Now I serve Sithis in the Void as a spectral assassin. 

Dovahkiin: nice

Dovahkiin: YES I HAVE THE DAMNED EYES OF THE FALMER BRYN

RedguardAssassin: what

Dovahkiin: oops wrong chat

Dovahkiin: k bye i might die in two seconds

Caw Caw Motherfuckers

Dovahkiin: YES I HAVE THE DAMNED EYES OF THE FALMER BRYN

Irishman: GOOD

Sneak100: gallus i might be coming to join you here in a second

HonorAmongThieves: NO 

HonorAmongThieves: IF YOU DIE I WILL FORCE YOU BACK INTO THE LAND OF THE LIVING I SWEAR TO NOCTURNAL

GraceOfShadows: you called

Sneak100: NOCTURNAL???

Sneak100: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN THIS CHAT

GraceOfShadows: this is literally the nightingales chat i think i should be in here

Dovahkiin: YES

Dovahkiin: I WAS RIGHT FUS RO DAH DID WORK ON THOSE ROCKS

GraceOfShadows: what

HonorAmongThieves: they're currently drowning in a dwarven ruin

GraceOfShadows: oh

Chapter Text

Aetherius

SovngardeGang: akatosh come get your son he's eating souls

RejectHumanityBecomeDragon: the dovahkiin'll be there to stop him

RejectHumanityBecomeDragon: eventually

IsThatTheGrimReaper: i doubt it considering she just barely crawled out of a dwemer ruin alive

Matchmaker: at least all three of them survived

Matchmaker: if all goes well from here there should be another romance happening

DevilsTango: hopefully

RejectHumanityBecomeDragon: dibella by ourselves why is that your username

DevilsTango: idk

MmControversy: idc about that i just wanna see who wins the civil war lmao

BigBrain: what, you don't want the stormcloaks to win?

MmControversy: eh idrc abt them

MmControversy: i might pop into their gc to see their reactions but i don't care if they win the war or not

Gatekeeper2.0: akatosh

RejectHumanityBecomeDragon: what

Gatekeeper2.0: can you go into the dragon priest chat and tell nahkriin to give me the gatekeeper username

Gatekeeper2.0: gatekeeper2.0 makes it sound like he was the og not me

SisterHawk: i might go in there and tell him

SisterHawk: i might also go in the dragon gc and see how paarthurnax is doing

JusticeForAll: i heard that the last two members of the blades wanna kill him bc he was alduin's right hand man

SisterHawk: what

SisterHawk: he literally helped mortals win the dragon war

JusticeForAll: ik that but they don't care

HonestSalesman: yk i also heard that they might try and get the dragonborn on their side to kill him

RejectHumanityBecomeDragon: what

SisterHawk: those bitches

SisterHawk: arkay

IsThatTheGrimReaper: what

SisterHawk: can you conveniently have delphine and esbern die of heart attacks or something

IsThatTheGrimReaper: no

SisterHawk: aw

Matchmaker: awww

SisterHawk: ?

Matchmaker: another one of my otps is gonna be reunited here in a second

SisterHawk: "otps" 

SisterHawk: you really call them that-

Matchmaker: im the goddess of love what did you expect

SisterHawk: true but you don't need to call them that

Matchmaker: look

Matchmaker: they may be somewhat under nocturnal's jurisdiction but they DESERVED BETTER DAMNIT

HonestSalesman: woah mara cursed

HonestSalesman: i never thought id see the day

Chapter Text

The Companions

Dovahkiin: ok we finally went and got the wuuthrad fragment

SkyforgeSmith: nice

Dovahkiin: wait didn't you tell me you weren't a companion why are you in here

SkyforgeSmith: this chat is for all companions members and affiliates

Dovahkiin: oh ok

Skjor: oh so you finally came and did the job

Skjor: took you long enough

Dovahkiin: excuse me if i was literally about to die in a dwarven ruin prior to this

Girlboss: by the gods cut the girl some slack skjor

Skjor: n o

Girlboss: y e s

Skjor: N O

Girlboss: Y E S

no himbo: and you wonder why i hate you all

Girlboss: don't lie you know you love us a little bit

no himbo: no i don't

Girlboss: yes you do

no himbo: if i say yes will you shut up

Girlboss: maybe

no himbo: then yes

Girlboss: jk i won't 

no himbo: aela.

Girlboss: :)

Skjor: anyways meet me in the underforge tonight new blood

Dovahkiin: ok

Werewolves of London

*(@huntress added @hahathuumgobrr to the chat)*

Dovahkiin: wtf just happened

Girlboss: you were born into the pack, sister

Girlboss: you def gave us more trouble than farkas did when he first turned though

Dovahkiin: did i kill anyone

Girlboss: ye 

Girlboss: nazeem and mikael

Dovahkiin: sweet i hated those bitches

Girlboss: understandable

Girlboss: if it weren't a crime i would have put an arrow through mikael's throat a long time ago

Girlboss: and nazeem was just

Girlboss: annoying

Dovahkiin: anyways what are we doing

Girlboss: we're gonna kill all the silver hand in this fortress

Girlboss: skjor already went inside to scout it out

Dovahkiin: are the silver hand the people that tried to kill me in dustmans cairn

Girlboss: yep

Girlboss: @scarface how's it look in there

Skjor: fine for now, there's only a few people in here 

Skjor: at least that i've seen so far, there could be more ahead

Kodlak: remember, be careful, all of you

Girlboss: ok

Skjor: will do

Dovahkiin: alr

himbo: was there a fragment in gallows rock or were we just killing the silver hand bc we could

no himbo: bc we could

Skjor: oh fuck i think krev the skinner's here

Dovahkiin: who's that

Skjor: an extremely dangerous silver hand leader

Girlboss: do you want me to come in there and help

Skjor: no stay outside with the whelp for a few minutes i think ive got this

Skjor: OH FUCK

Girlboss: SKJOR I SWEAR TO HIRCINE IF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR ASS BEAT IM NEVER GONNA LET YOU LIVE THIS DOWN

Girlboss: wait

Girlboss: skjor

Girlboss: SKJOR

Girlboss: ARE YOU DEAD

no himbo: what do you think aela

Girlboss: fuck off vilkas you're not helping

Girlboss: ohgodsohgodsohgodsohgods

Girlboss: alr come on we're gonna beat the fuck out of these bitches and avenge skjor

Dovahkiin: ight

Chapter Text

Stormcloaks

High King: galmar do we have markarth yet

Galmar: no

High King: godsdamnit

*(@glorytoskyrim entered the chat)*

IWantMead: ayyy a new member

High King: i agree with the @

High King: alr im gonna need a name in case you die and i have to write a letter to your family

MmControversy: hjalti early-beard

High King: k thanks

Galmar: ULFRIC

High King: what

High King: did you take markarth

Galmar: WHO THE FUCK CARES ABT MARKARTH

High King: bitch wydm markarth is what we've been trying to take for like 3 months

Galmar: YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT

Galmar: ARE YOU EVEN A TRUE STORMCLOAK

High King: GALMAR

High King: WHAT IN TALOS' NAME DO YOU MEAN

High King: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO ME

Galmar: HJALTI EARLY-BEARD

Galmar: H J A L T I E A R L Y - B E A R D

High King: AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE NAME HJALTI EARLY-BEARD 

Galmar: THAT IS TALOS YOU GODSDAMNED IDIOT

MmControversy: at least one person's not a complete and utter fool in this gc

High King: WAIT WHAT

High King: WHAT THE FUCK

IWantMead: HOLY SHIT

DevilsTango: hey sisters

MmControversy: damnit 

MmControversy: go fuck off to the nightingales chat and fawn over that Imperial and that Dunmer you love so much

MmControversy: don't bother us

Galmar: who the fuck is DevilsTango

MmControversy: dibella

IWantMead: what

IWantMead: are all the divines gonna come in here now

MmControversy: i don't know and at this point im too afraid to ask

NordSupremacy: WHO TF STARTED THE YESGRAMOR MEME AND WHY ARE ALL THE PEOPLE IN SOVNGARDE SPAMMING ME WITH IT IN THE GC

High King: who the hell

MmControversy: what the fuck are you doing here

NordSupremacy: oh shit wrong chat

NordSupremacy: i meant to go to the companions chat

NordSupremacy: anyways before i leave i just want to say that the stormcloaks are stupid af bitches 

High King: excuse me

NordSupremacy: you heard me ulfric

NordSupremacy: without the empire the dominion would have invaded skyrim long ago

NordSupremacy: it is because of the dominion that the empire forbids talos worship

NordSupremacy: if the stormcloaks and imperials banded together against the dominion maybe the thalmor would not be a problem anymore

*(@harbinger left the chat)*

*(@goddessofbeauty left the chat)*

IWantMead: wait

IWantMead: was that ysgramor

MmControversy: yep

IWantMead: wow

IWantMead: he was lowkey spitting facts tho

IWantMead: id prefer to not encounter a childhood friend on the battlefield multiple times as an enemy

Galmar: its ok you can say the red and blue trope

IWantMead: what

Galmar: nothing

The Companions

Girlboss: what happened w kodlak

Dovahkiin: idk he just said that he knew what we were up to and that he was disappointed

Dovahkiin: but he also told me how the companions came to be werewolves and told me to go get a witch's head

Dovahkiin: so im off to do that ig

Girlboss: alr have fun

*(@harbinger entered the chat)*

NordSupremacy: AELA THE HUNTRESS

Girlboss: WHO 

Girlboss: WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU KNOW ME

Dovahkiin: ULFRIC IS THAT YOU

Dovahkiin: wait no his user is High King

Dovahkiin: i have no idea who this is

Kodlak: YSGRAMOR-

Girlboss: YSGRAMOR???

Girlboss: WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME???

NordSupremacy: WERE YOU THE ORIGIN OF THE YESGRAMOR MEME

Girlboss: uh yeah

NordSupremacy: damn you

NordSupremacy: every hero in sovngarde is spamming me with that meme in the gc

NordSupremacy: im pretty sure jurgen's contact name for me is yesgramor too

Dovahkiin: yo

Dovahkiin: jurgen windcaller?

NordSupremacy: ye

NordSupremacy: do you know him?

Dovahkiin: im friends with the greybeards so technically yeah

NordSupremacy: nice

NordSupremacy: OMG TELL PAARTHURNAX HI FOR US THE NEXT TIME YOU GO UP TO THE THROAT OF THE WORLD

NordSupremacy: sorry abt that gormlaith stole my phone

Dovahkiin: will do gormlaith

Girlboss: wait hold on ysgramor

NordSupremacy: ?

Girlboss: before you leave

Girlboss: @nothoughts @badass

no himbo: YSGRAMOR

himbo: omfg

Girlboss: i present to you the two we refer to as having your strength and your smarts

Girlboss: respectively

NordSupremacy: nice

Dovahkiin: omfg wait i jusr remembered

*(@hahathuumgobrr added @magicalprodigy to the chat)*

magic man: YSGRAMOR

NordSupremacy: AHZIDAL

magic man: WE MEET AGAIN

Kodlak: ???

no himbo: who is ahzidal and why do you know him-

NordSupremacy: he was a dragon priest that helped me and the five hundred companions fight the snow elves

magic man: tbf i didnt become a dragon priest until after that 

NordSupremacy: true but that's what most remember you for

magic man: true

no himbo: a

no himbo: a dragon priest

no himbo: you allied with a dragon priest

NordSupremacy: look the man was a fucking PRODIGY at enchanting and magic in general so i recruited him to enchant our weapons in return for letting him exact vengeance on the snow elves

no himbo: wait what vengeance-

Girlboss: why would he care about the snow elves???

NordSupremacy: mf go read ahzidal's descent im not gonna explain it all

*(@harbinger left the chat)*

magic man: here let me explain

Girlboss: alr

no himbo: ok

magic man: ok so

magic man: long story short

magic man: As a kid, im extremely gifted in magic, and end up surpassing my teachers in skill. As an adult, i leave saarthal, where i was born and raised, to go further my knowledge.

Girlboss: oh 

no himbo: oh no

magic man: Many years pass, and i eventually go back to saarthal, where i find the entire settlement dead, killed by snow elves.

magic man: Among the dead are my wife and child.

Girlboss: omfg

Girlboss: now i understand

Dovahkiin: damn now i feel bad for fighting you

magic man: nah it's fine i was insane by that point, much like otar and rahgot

magic man: if anything it was expected

magic man: alr ima go now

magic man: bye

Dovahkiin: bye

*(@magicalprodigy left the chat)*

Chapter Text

Dovahbros

BAMF: paarthurnax u bitch

WuthGein: Language, zeymah.

BAMF: sthu

BAMF: im still mad at you

WuthGein: pray tell, for what?

BAMF: you know exactly what 

WuthGein: The joorre did not take too kindly to enslavement, Alduin. Kyne, monah do muz, took pity on her children. I did as well.

BAMF: you are

BAMF: A DRAGON

BAMF: A SON OF AKATOSH

BAMF: WHY DO YOU HAVE PITY FOR MORTAL BEINGS

WuthGein: I do not share the same dez as you, Alduin. I am not fated to destroy the world or be defeated by the Dovahkiin. Thus, I am allowed pity on mortal beings.

BAMF: lot of good your pity did gormlaith lmao

BAMF: she was an easy kill

WuthGein: Dreh ni tinvaak do ek ahst dar sil, Alduin. Rek ahrk ek zeymahzin lost fahdon wah zu'u. Aan haalvut hi fen NEH mindoraan.

RedBaron: oh shit

RedBaron: even over text i just KNOW paarthurnax is PISSED

BAMF: you

BAMF: you godsdamned traitor

RedBaron: the dovahkiin had a stronger Voice than you

RedBaron: deal with it bitch

LiveToServe: hey be nice to him odahviing

RebelWithACause: imagine being loyal to alduin to a fault sahloknir

LiveToServe: imagine getting tamed by not one

LiveToServe: but two

LiveToServe: different Dovahkiin

GodMode: i mean

GodMode: gol hah dov is essentially the bane of our existence there's no way to avoid it

CurseNeverDying: no no thats joor zah frul

CurseNeverDying: gol hah dov can be resisted if you are of strong mind

RebelWithACause: durnehviir are you calling me weak minded

DominateEnlightenment: and me

AncientDomination: and me

CurseNeverDying: yyyyyyyyep

RebelWithACause: if you were not in the soul cairn rn i would jump you

CurseNeverDying: im not

Thing1: what

Thing2: how are you not there

Thing1: didn't you get tricked by the ideal masters

RebelWithACause: HAH

RebelWithACause: WHOS WEAK MINDED NOW BITCH

RebelWithACause: YOU GOT TRICKED

CurseNeverDying: the dovahkiin bested me in battle, so i allowed her to learn a shout that called me to tamriel for a short time

CurseNeverDying: it was a small favor to ask of her, and she has fulfilled it multiple times

CurseNeverDying: as a result, i have also taught her rii vaaz zol

WuthGein: I suppose it would be onik to add the Dovahkiin into this chat.

BAMF: no

BAMF: no no no nononnonononoonono

*(@partysnax added @hahathuumgobrr to the chat)*

Dovahkiin: fucking sweet i get to be the bane of alduins existence again

Dovahkiin: oh also

Dovahkiin: paarthurnax

WuthGein: Geh?

Dovahkiin: gormlaith stole ysgramors phone and told me to "say hi for her and the others the next time i saw you" when i was in the companions chat a few minutes ago

WuthGein: Zu'u koraav. I see. The next time you are able to speak with her, Felldir, or Hakon, return my rot, my word, to them that I miss them.

Dovahkiin: ight

Dovahkiin: so

Dovahkiin: alduin, mirmulnir, sahloknir, voslaarum, naaslaarum, sahrotaar, kruziikrel, relonikiv

Dovahkiin: the dragons whose lives i made living Oblivion

Dovahkiin: how are ya

BAMF: fuck you

LiveToServe: what he said

GodMode: what he said

DominateEnlightenment: miraak was better

AncientDomination: much better

Thing1: im not speaking to you

Thing2: neither am i

Dovahkiin: good to know

Chapter Text

We're Thieves

Dovahkiin: guys help how do you put out oil fires

Delvin: what

Sneak100: pls tell me you didn't set blackbriar manor on fire we kinda need mavens backing

Irishman: lass what the fuck

Dovahkiin: yall im not even in riften why is that the first thing you assume

Sneak100: because you are a woman after gallus' own heart and i fear greatly for you both

Dovahkiin: as you should

HonorAmongThieves: as you should

Irishman: LASS WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SET ON FIRE I NEED TO KNOW

Dovahkiin: i didnt set it on fire the penitus oculatus did

ItVexesMe: please tell me im not the only one who read that as penis oculatus

Delvin: i did too

ItVexesMe: sthu i didn't ask you

Delvin: :(

PourMeADrink: BAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

PourMeADrink: VEX PLS

ItVexesMe: AHAHAHAHHA IM SORRY BUT I DID

Irishman: oh joy

Irishman: now what is on fire

Dovahkiin: the entire dark brotherhood sanctuary

HonorAmongThieves: the WHAT

Dovahkiin: the dark brotherhood sanctuary

Delvin: WHAT

Delvin: HAVE YOU FOUND ASTRID

Dovahkiin: no

Dovahkiin: she might be dead tho bc i passed festus nailed to a tree with arrows on the way in, veezara was dead on the floor, arnbjorn got ko'd by two soldiers, lis the spider is dead and so is gabriella

Dovahkiin: and idk where nazir and babette fucked off to

Delvin: oh shit

Dovahkiin: wait no i see babette the soldiers have her

Dovahkiin: probs think shes some defenseless little kid we were keeping hostage

Sneak100: you mean she's not?

Dovahkiin: nah shes a vampire

Sneak100: ...oh

Dovahkiin: NAZIR

Dovahkiin: oh fuck hes fighting someone

HonorAmongThieves: dont text and fight its bad for your health

Sneak100: yeah you would know

HonorAmongThieves: yk what karliah

Sneak100: :)

Dovahkiin: if you mean bad for my health in the sense that ill die then i welcome it

Dovahkiin: i really wanna see who gets my soul when i die

Irishman: ??????

Sneak100: ???????

HonorAmongThieves: wdym who gets your soul is there more than one entity with claims to it??????

Dovahkiin: you really wanna ask that huh

HonorAmongThieves: not really no

Dovahkiin: well too bad

Dovahkiin: akatosh, nocturnal, sheogorath, hircine, sithis, clavicus vile, mephala, meridia, namira, molag bal, malacath, mehrunes dagon, azura

Dovahkiin: actually all the daedric princes now that i think abt it

DiamondInTheRough: molag bal

DiamondInTheRough: MOLAG BAL.

DiamondInTheRough: MOLAG. BAL.

DiamondInTheRough: M O L A G B A L .

Dovahkiin: is there something bad abt molag bal??????

GraceOfShadows: a lot ngl

GraceOfShadows: hes like

GraceOfShadows: the king of rape

GraceOfShadows: among other things

GraceOfShadows: so uh

GraceOfShadows: yeah

Dovahkiin: oh shit

Sneak100: nocturnal how many chats are you in

GraceOfShadows: this one, the nightingales chat, and the daedric prince chat

GraceOfShadows: that's all

Dovahkiin: oh sweet the princes have a gc

Dovahkiin: time to go hack it >:)

GraceOfShadows: no please

Dovahkiin: too late

GraceOfShadows: dammit

Irishman: wait.

Irishman: lass

Dovahkiin: ye

Irishman: NAMIRA?

Irishman: ISNT THAT THE FUCKINH DAEDRIC PRINCE OF CANNIBALISM??????

Dovahkiin: yeah why

Irishman: fuck this

*(@ihaveimportantthingstodo left the chat)*

*(@guildmaster added @ihaveimportantthingstodo to the chat)*

Mercer: no

Mercer: suffer

Irishman: fuck u

Mercer: :)

Delvin: wait weren't you in a battle with whoever nazir was fighting

Dovahkiin: nah that was over a long time ago now im chilling in the night mothers coffin

Delvin: you're what

Sneak100: you're chilling in the WHAT

HonorAmongThieves: wait why was the penitus oculatus even at the sanctuary in the first place

Dovahkiin: i think that bitch astrid sold me out bc i was the listener

Dovahkiin: i was going to kill the emperor but he was a decoy and thats why maro caught me and went to the sanctuary bc i think astrid told him abt me then

HonorAmongThieves: you were going to kill WHO

Dovahkiin: the emperor

Dovahkiin: but when i get out of here i am finding motierre again and finding where the real emperor is

Dovahkiin: and then im killing him and maro

Dovahkiin: but first astrid bc i don't like backstabbing faction leaders likE A CERTAIN BRETON

Mercer: and fuck you too

Dovahkiin: now that i think abt it a lot of the assassinations ive done recently and plan to do soon are imperials

Dovahkiin: #fuckimperials

GraceOfShadows: #fuckimperials you say

Dovahkiin: ye why

GraceOfShadows: @dunmerthief

Sneak100: eh i don't like the imperials as a whole but i don't hate them to that extent

*(@ripthatguildmasterayy left the chat)*

Sneak100: wait

Sneak100: OH MY FUCKING GODS

Sneak100: GALLUS GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE

*(@dunmerthief added @ripthatguildmasterayy to the chat)*

Dovahkiin: HJAJSHHDHF

Dovahkiin: this is the sweetest blackmail ive ever seen in my life

Sneak100: i will shoot an arrow through your throat i swear on my life

Dovahkiin: #galluskinniemoment

HonorAmongThieves: technically that was a dagger

Dovahkiin: eh potato potato

Chapter Text

Oblivion

GraceOfShadows: quick heads up the Dragonborn hacked this chat and could come on any second so act normal

Cannibalism: you do realize sheogorath and molag bal are here right i dont think we can be normal

GraceOfShadows: damn it

GraceOfShadows: you're right

Dovahkiin: hi

DominationYes: hi

Dovahkiin: i was speaking to everyone except you

DominationYes: ...

Dovahkiin: stay mad bitch

Boogeyman: i like her already

Dovahkiin: you've literally met me before why are you acting as if you haven't

Boogeyman: do u really think i remember that

Dovahkiin: meh idk

Dovahkiin: who am i to know what you do and don't remember

BookNerd: i see molag bal slander 

Dovahkiin: im not taking it back so you can stay mad too

BookNerd: no no i want to join in on the slander

Dovahkiin: oh

GraceOfShadows: tbf so do i

DominationYes: what the fuck did i do to warrant this

NoTimeForWeaklings: exist

Huntsman: breathe

BlackPlague: speak

MasterManipulator: everything

DeceptionGoBrr: everything

DawnAndDusk: be you

Dovahkiin: yo is this chat full of girlbosses

ANewHandTouchesTheBeacon: ye

Dovahkiin: sick

Dovahkiin: #girlbosssquad

GraceOfShadows: #gaslightgatekeepgirlboss

CHEESE: ooh are we slandering molag bal rn

Dovahkiin: yes 

Dovahkiin: yes indeed

CHEESE: FUCKING SWEET I'VE WANTED TO DO THIS FOR ETERNITY

Dovahkiin: oh wait hold on i have to go hack two more chats rq yall have fun slandering molag bitch

GraceOfShadows: alr bye

House of Volkihar

*(@hahathuumgobrr entered the chat)*

LordHarkon: valerica is that you

FuckYouHarkon: bitch im right here

LordHarkon: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU 

FuckYouHarkon: im not telling 

Serana: shes in dn

LordHarkon: what's dn

Serana: DEEZ NUTS

Dovahkiin: DEEZ NUTS

Serana: got em

Dovahkiin: teamwork makes the dream work

FuckYouHarkon: whoever this rando that just came in is ily

FuckYouHarkon: you too serana

*(@purebloodvampire removed @hahathuumgobrr and @girlbossmoment from the chat)*

FuckYouHarkon: hey >:(

FuckYouHarkon: add them back

*(@purebloodvampire added @girlbossmoment to the chat)*

FuckYouHarkon: eh good enough

The Dawnguard

Dovahkiin: damn it ive been banned from dave and busters

ProtectTheSun: what the fuck

CrossbowSupremacy: who is this

TrollTrainer: what is dave and busters

Dovahkiin: the volkihar gc

Dovahkiin: ive been banned from it for making a dn joke

Celann: what's dn

Dovahkiin: ohohoohohohohohohohohoh

Celann: NO WAIT FUCK NO I KNOW WHAT THAT IS DONT SAY IT

Dovahkiin: fine

JoinTheDawnguard: ayo you wanna join the dawnguard we have sick crossbows and dogs

Dovahkiin: SICK CROSSBOWS?

JoinTheDawnguard: SICK CROSSBOWS.

Dovahkiin: DOGS?

Celann: DOGS.

Dovahkiin: FUCK YEAH SIGN ME UP

Dovahkiin: WHAT ARE THE DOGS NAMES

CrossbowSupremacy: BRAN AND SCEOLANG

Dovahkiin: THE NAME SCEOLANG SOUNDS BADASS I WANT THAT ONE

Dovahkiin: wait

ProtectTheSun: what

Dovahkiin: do i have to kill that hot vampire chick that turned me bi

ProtectTheSun: what vampire chick

Dovahkiin: serana

ProtectTheSun: yes you do

Dovahkiin: fuck this then im taking the dogs and crossbow and joining the vampires

ProtectTheSun: NO WAIT COME BACK YOU DONT HAVE TO KILL HER

ProtectTheSun: DONT JOIN THE VAMPIRES

Celann: nice fucking going isran you lost us our dogs

ProtectTheSun: stfu celann

Celann: no

Celann: i liked those dogs :(

Dovahkiin: theres a dog in a shack by solitude whose owner died you can get him

Dovahkiin: his name is meeko

Celann: noted tyvm

Dovahkiin: ok bye

*(@hahathuumgobrr left the chat)*

Chapter Text

The Meeting

*(@hahathuumgobrr added @cyrodiil, @highking, @imperiallegate, @stonefist, @masterrace, @lastblade, @jarlofwhiterun, and @loremaster to the chat)*

Arngeir: did you really have to add them

Dovahkiin: if you mean elenwen and ulfric i can gladly remove them

ThalmorSupremacy: hey

High King: you literally need me to be here

Arngeir: i meant the blades

Delphine: we helped the dragonborn

Delphine: we have every right to be here

Dovahkiin: no you did fucking not

Dovahkiin: esbern yes 

Dovahkiin: he was somewhat helpful and tolerable

Dovahkiin: but you

Dovahkiin: if i remember correctly

Dovahkiin: up in kynesgrove when you WITNESSED WITH YOUR OWN EYES alduin raise sahloknir 

Dovahkiin: you said after that you had no idea who was raising the dragons

Legate: pls

Legate: The amount of respect i just lost for Delphine because of that stupidity.

General: rikke don't stir the pot

Legate: But it's fun.

Legate: If I can't make fun of Delphine, can I make fun of Elenwen?

ThalmorSupremacy: ...

High King: yes please i agree with that

Galmar: yes let's make fun of her

General: for the gods sake rikke

General: im tempted to remove you and put hadvar in here

General: at least he has some amount of common sense

Legate: Fine, fine, I'll stop.

Dovahkiin: ANYWAYS

Dovahkiin: you idiots are all here because i need to stop alduin from fucking over the world

Dovahkiin: and to do that i need to trap a dragon in dragonsreach

Dovahkiin: so decide amongst yourselves a temporary peace treaty so balgruuf can let me trap said dragon

High King: i want markarth

General: no

Galmar: wait can we kick elenwen out

Galmar: are we allowed to do that

*(@hahathuumgobrr removed @masterrace from the chat)*

Dovahkiin: now we are

High King: thank you

General: thank you

Legate: Tullius and Ulfric agreeing on something? I thought I'd never see the day.

High King: this is the only day you will see that rikke

Dovahkiin: ask for riften in exchange for markarth i wanna see what the hell maven does as jarl

General: alr 

General: i'll give you markarth if you give up riften

High King: fine

*(@freshprinceofriverwood and @pleasegivemepeace entered the chat)*

IWantMead: ayyy we got in

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Legate have you antagonized anyone yet

Legate: Would I do that, Hadvar?

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Yes.

EmpireLovesTheirLists: You would.

Legate: ...

Legate: Delphine and Elenwen.

General: the dragonborn kicked elenwen out tho

Dovahkiin: im this close to kicking delphine out too if she says something stupid again

General: also i want you to pay compensation for the massacre at Karthwasten

Galmar: nothing happened in karthwasten square in the year 200

High King: fine

Arngeir: it seems we may have an agreement

IWantMead: no fucking way

IWantMead: the stormcloaks and imperials actually agreed on something???

EmpireLovesTheirLists: :O

JarlOfWhiterun: alr you can trap the dragon in my palace now ig

Dovahkiin: sweet

Esbern: ok so to call the dragon you basically just yell Odahviing and he should show up

Dovahkiin: alr

Esbern: also you need to kill paarthurnax

Dovahkiin: ex fucking cuse me what

Arngeir: what

General: who is paarthurnax

Delphine: a dragon that was alduin's second in command during the dragon war

Delphine: he is now currently sheltered at the peak of this mountain by the greybeards

Dovahkiin: for good reason you idiot

Dovahkiin: he's nice

Esbern: he helped murder a lot of innocent people

WuthGein: but i have attempted to refrain from my nature, and have done a well enough job of it, unlike Alduin

Dovahkiin: have you been here the entire time

WuthGein: yes

Delphine: come on esbern let's go kill him rn

WuthGein: i have no opposition to that

Dovahkiin: hell fucking nah you don't get to murder my friend

*(@hahathuumgobrr removed @lastblade and @loremaster from the chat)*

Arngeir: good job

Dovahkiin: ty

General: can we leave now

High King: please say we can i don't want to be stuck here with the imperials longer than i have to

Galmar: is it because of rikke

High King: galmar will you drop that for the gods' sake

General: wait did you even add elisif in here

Dovahkiin: who

General: the jarl of solitude

General: technically my boss

Dovahkiin: uh no

Legate: Well, at least we didn't have to hear her bitching at Ulfric the entire time.

General: that's true

Chapter Text

Fortress of Solitude

SolitudeJarl: tullius

General: what

SolitudeJarl: why the fuck was i not in the peace treaty gc

SolitudeJarl: i wanted to yell at ulfric

SolitudeJarl: also i kinda wanted to make sure you didn't make any stupid decisions

General: i wasnt the one who added anyone to the gc the dragonborn did that

SolitudeJarl: rikke did he do anything to fuck up the legion

Legate: Not to my knowledge, ma'am. He exchanged Markarth for Riften and got the Stormcloaks to pay compensation for the massacre at Karthwasten, but that's all the treaty ended up entailing.

SolitudeJarl: good

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I mean

EmpireLovesTheirLists: If you really want to yell at Ulfric ik how to add him in here

SolitudeJarl: do it

Legate: not again

General: what you dont wanna see your former bf again

Legate: General, I am fully capable of stabbing you right now.

General: oh fuck

General: rikke im sorry i didnt mean it

General: RIKKE I SAID IM S

*(@cyrodiil left the chat)*

*(@pleasegivemepeace added @highking to the chat)*

*(@thefair locked the chat)*

EmpireLovesTheirLists: what the hell happened here

SolitudeJarl: honestly idk

High King: no

High King: i am not being in this chat with her

EmpireLovesTheirLists: well you can't leave now

EmpireLovesTheirLists: she locked the chat

Legate: Elisif, can you unlock the chat and put the general back in?

SolitudeJarl: is he alive

Legate: He is, dw.

Legate: He only has

Legate: uh

Legate: minor

Legate: stab wounds.

Legate: yeah minor

EmpireLovesTheirLists: what

Legate: Kidding.

Legate: unless

*(@thefair unlocked the chat)*

*(@thefair added @cyrodiil to the chat)*

*(@thefair locked the chat)*

SolitudeJarl: now that we've confirmed tullius isnt dead

SolitudeJarl: ulfric

High King: talos help me

General: nothing can help u now ulfric

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Elisif when she's mad is like Rikke when she's mad, but 10 times worse

High King: oh gods

Legate: How long has she been typing for?

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I'd say about 5 minutes

SolitudeJarl: ULFRIC STORMCLOAK YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A NORD YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND IN AN UNFAIR DUEL AND STARTED A WAR THAT'S KILLING THE VERY PEOPLE YOU'RE TRYING TO "FREE" FROM THE EMPIRE. THE THALMOR ARE THE TRUE ENEMY IF ANYTHING BUT NO. YOU BLAME THE EMPIRE, THE EMPIRE THAT WAS BEATEN NEARLY INTO THE GROUND BY THE DOMINION AND FORCED TO OUTLAW TALOS WORSHIP. YOU SHOULD HAVE PETITIONED THE EMPEROR, MADE A STAND AGAINST HIM FOR YOUR CIVIL WAR. INSTEAD YOU CHOSE TO KILL TORYGG AND FUCK UP THIS ENTIRE PROVINCE.

EmpireLovesTheirLists: ok I take that back that was actually better than I expected

Legate: True.

General: remember the entire essay she sent here when we lost riften

Legate: Yep. Almost felt sorry for you that day.

SolitudeJarl: no because i still want to know why in oblivion a city like that was even allowed to have an opinion in the first place

SolitudeJarl: the place is basically crawling with and under the control of thieves

Dovahkiin: fuck you some of my friends are thieves there

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Have you been here the entire time

Dovahkiin: yep

SolitudeJarl: who are you

General: thats the dragonborn

General: the one who didnt put you in the peace treaty gc

SolitudeJarl: i see

Dovahkiin: lol stay mad elisif

SolitudeJarl: listen here you little shit

Firebeard: uh i hate to break up this lovely conversation you all are having but that dude from dragon bridge is here about wolfskull cave

SolitudeJarl: tell him ill be there in a bit

Firebeard: alr

Dovahkiin: well bye i have to go not die in saarthal

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I would question why you're in Saarthal but at this point I've learned not to question anything you do

Dovahkiin: good

High King: uh can i leave now

SolitudeJarl: fine

*(@thefair unlocked the chat)*

SolitudeJarl: be free you little bastard

*(@highking left the chat)*

Chapter Text

The College

Dovahkiin: yo guys

tacocat: what

DunmerPride: what

Onmund: what

Dovahkiin: theres a sick glowing orb down here come look

Dovahkiin: ayo tolfdir you good

Tolfdir: pretty :0

Dovahkiin: ok guys when you come down here dw

Dovahkiin: tolfdir's just distracted by the shiny object

Dovahkiin: hes fine

Dovahkiin: i think

Supervisor: A glowing orb? Interesting.

tacocat: woah

tacocat: pretty :0

DunmerPride: and now we just lost j'zargo to the shiny thing too

Enthir: ok ik you're in saarthal rn doing something with a shiny orb but can you go in the guild chat rq all hell is breaking loose

Dovahkiin: gods fucking damn it can i not go one day without having vex almost kill delvin

Enthir: actually it's gallus and brynjolf trying to kill mercer

Dovahkiin: oh

Dovahkiin: sick

Dovahkiin: wait hes already dead tho

Enthir: they're trying to kill him in spirit then idk i didnt ask questions

Enthir: i know better than to ask the guild questions

Enthir: especially gallus considering you two are two sides of the same chaotic coin

Dovahkiin: wait are you even in the guild chat ive never seen you

Enthir: i am im just never active

MasterWizard: excuse me

MasterWizard: who is trying to kill who and what guild are we talking about

DunmerPride: probs the thieves guild

MasterWizard: you're in the thieves guild????

Enthir: yeah

Dovahkiin: yeah

Dovahkiin: brelyna i should introduce you to karliah sometime i think you two would get along well

tacocat: j'zargo would like to hear more about this gallus and karliah

Onmund: so would i tbh

Dovahkiin: ight hold on let me make a gc with you all

Private Chat: Dovahkiin, HonorAmongThieves, Sneak100, DunmerPride, tacocat, Onmund, and Enthir

Sneak100: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT 

tacocat: is this the karliah j'zargo heard about

Sneak100: who the fuck

Sneak100: i thought this was the guild chat who created this private chat

Dovahkiin: i did

Dovahkiin: some people at the college heard about you and gallus and wanted to meet you

HonorAmongThieves: hi enthir

Enthir: hi gallus

tacocat: would you like some of j'zargo's exploding scrolls

HonorAmongThieves: EXPLODING SCROLLS

tacocat: yes

HonorAmongThieves: HELL YEAH 

Sneak100: gallus no

HonorAmongThieves: gallus yes

Enthir: honestly how the fuck are you not dead yet

Enthir: wait

HonorAmongThieves: i am lol

Enthir: you are

Enthir: damn i cant use that line anymore

Sneak100: lmao should i tell them about the lake honrich incident

Dovahkiin: spill

Enthir: spill

HonorAmongThieves: karliah my beloved

HonorAmongThieves: my little nightingale

HonorAmongThieves: i beg of you 

HonorAmongThieves: pls do not make the exploding scroll khajiit lose respect for me he's cool

Sneak100: you'll have to beg a bit more than that sweetie

Sneak100: anyways the lake honrich incident is when this dumbass almost drowned because he misjudged the depth of the lake and couldn't swim

Enthir: LMAO WHAT HOW COME I NEVER HEARD ABOUT THIS

tacocat: i hate water so i can't lose respect for you 

Dovahkiin: yoooo i can't swim either

Onmund: then explain to me how i saw you swim from ysgramors tomb to winterhold a few days ago

Dovahkiin: spite

Dovahkiin: vilkas from the companions challenged me to do it and i am not losing a challenge to that mf

DunmerPride: so whats this about karliah and i supposedly getting along

Dovahkiin: idk you guys just give off similar vibes to me

DunmerPride: cats or dogs

Sneak100: cats

Sneak100: black cats specifically

DunmerPride: friendship ended with j'zargo and onmund now karliah is my best friend

DunmerPride: black cat supremacy because i said so

Sneak100: yes

Enthir: does that make karliah the "someone will die" cat and gallus the "of fun!" dog from that one meme

tacocat: what

DunmerPride: what

Enthir: This.

Sneak100: yes absolutely

Sneak100: he's def a golden retriever

HonorAmongThieves: because im friendly?

Sneak100: no because there's not a though behind those eyes sometimes

Dovahkiin: GET REKT BOI

tacocat: j'zargo would like to know who is winning in the guild fight

HonorAmongThieves: currently mercer

HonorAmongThieves: nvm now brynjolf

Dovahkiin: go bryn go

Chapter Text

Taking Bets

General: wth

General: rikke why are we here

Legate: Don’t ask me, sir. I didn’t create this chat.

General: hadvar why are we here

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I also didn’t create this chat

General: then who did

High King: hell if i know

General: well it can’t be any of the stormcloaks bc they wouldn’t willingly be here with the imperials

IWantMead: you have no idea how true that statement is

EmpireLovesTheirLists: If you hadn’t been a traitor to the empire, we would still be friends

Galmar: cough

Galmar: cough cough

IWantMead: stow it rn

Galmar: fine

EmpireLovesTheirLists: What

IWantMead: nothing

ItVexesMe: yo

ItVexesMe: sound off i need to know who all is here other than the people that already spoke

Girlboss: here

no himbo: here

himbo: here

Delvin: here

Irishman: here

HonorAmongThieves: here

Sneak100: here

RedguardAssassin: here

LittleButFierce: here

Guardian: I’m here.

magic man: here

Dovahkiin1.0: here

DunmerPride: here

Onmund: here

tacocat: here

Ondolemar: here

ItVexesMe: ok good you’re all in here

Irishman: vex why ARE we here

ItVexesMe: im glad you asked bryn

ItVexesMe: as evidenced by the chat name we are here to place bets on who the dragonborn is down bad for

General: 200 septims on hadvar i saw the way she was looking at him at helgen

EmpireLovesTheirLists: When did you have time to see anything between you being at the gate and Alduin attacking

General: i went and talked to ulfric remember

General: and she was standing next to him

EmpireLovesTheirLists: Oh yeah, now I remember

Girlboss: nah nah i say vilkas

no himbo: aela

Girlboss: did you or did you not admit to me you thought she was kinda cute

no himbo: no comment

Girlboss: ill take that as a yes

HonorAmongThieves: for what it’s worth i say brynjolf

Irishman: you really think so

HonorAmongThieves: i know a loving look when i see one

HonorAmongThieves: you two practically have heart eyes every time you speak to one another

Delvin: yeah and then he fucked it up by saying he had important things to do instead of carrying on the conversation

LittleButFierce: are you serious rn

LittleButFierce: good luck rekindling that flame buddy

Irishman: stfu i don’t even know you

Irishman: but i agree that was not my finest moment

Legate: Anyways, back to the topic at hand.

Legate: I’ll take that bet you made earlier, General.

EmpireLovesTheirLists: …

magic man: 100 percent hands down i say miraak

Dovahkiin1.0: ahzidal don’t

Guardian: enemies to lovers trope huh

Guardian: i can see that

himbo: i agree with aela i heard that conversation

no himbo: you wound me brother

no himbo: you’re in league with aela now

DunmerPride: im gonna be honest with myself i kinda wanna say ondolemar

Ondolemar: what

Ondolemar: when did i enter the picture

DunmerPride: when she helped you track down a talos worshipper in markarth

Ondolemar: how do you know about that

tacocat: j’zargo and the others stole ancano’s phone and saw the thalmor group chat

DunmerPride: plus high elves are like 6’4” on average who wouldn’t like that

Sneak100: me

Sneak100: idk why but tall people are kinda eh

HonorAmongThieves: she said, having fallen in love with a 6’0” imperial

Sneak100: you’re the exception bc you have a good personality as compared to other tall people

Sneak100: like the thalmor

Sneak100: they’re tall and nobody likes them

Ondolemar: i mean aside from elenwen basically supporting eugenics and genocide yeah THAT’S the only reason people dislike the thalmor

LittleButFierce: idk man im still hanging fang and nail onto my idea that it’s nazir

RedguardAssassin: not this again babette

ItVexesMe: alrighty now that we’ve discussed it amongst ourselves let’s bring in the dragonborn to answer our questions

Girlboss: oh boy here we go

Girlboss: vilkas you owe me 100 septims if she says you

no himbo: why do i have to pay you what

Girlboss: idk why not

(@fuckoffdelvin added @hahathuumgobrr to the chat)

ItVexesMe: alr whats the answer

Dovahkiin: idk there’s a lot of people im down bad for

ItVexesMe: top 5 then

Dovahkiin: ok let me think

Dovahkiin: 1. Brynjolf 2. Hadvar 3. Aela 4. Vilkas 5. Miraak

Girlboss: give me 100 septims

no himbo: i’ll be keeping them as your payment since she said you too

Girlboss: fine be that way

magic man: so miraak

Dovahkiin1.0: im

Dovahkiin: aw did i get you all flustered

Dovahkiin1.0: absolutely not I would not allow someone like you to make me feel such things

Guardian: yeah he’s definitely down bad

Dovahkiin1.0: vahlok.

General: rikke wheres my 200 septims

Legate: Fine, fine, if you insist.

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I don’t know what I expected out of that ranking but it wasn’t that

Dovahkiin: is that a good or bad thing

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I’d say it’s a good thing

HonorAmongThieves: see bryn what did i say

ItVexesMe: he’ll get back to you in 2-3 business days rn he’s sitting at the table in shock

DunmerPride: can we talk about how your top 3 are all redheads lol

Girlboss: that’s just bc we’re better

IWantMead: agreed

(@freshprinceofriverwood removed @stonefist from the chat)

High King: what was that for

IWantMead: i knew the second i typed that message he would say something

High King: i see

ItVexesMe: ok now that that’s settled lets play a game of “who is everyone else down bad for”

Irishman: vex by the gods

ItVexesMe: shh this is my entertainment for the day

magic man: vahlok’s down bad for miraak fr fr

Dovahkiin: damn that’s the real enemies to lovers

Dovahkiin1.0: in all technically it would be lovers to enemies

(@stonefist entered the chat)

Galmar: no the real lovers to enemies is rikke and ulfric

High King: galmar oh my gods i will slap you

IWantMead: oh thank talos he didn’t bring up the red and blue trope

General: technically it still is the red and blue trope

Legate: Sir.

General: rikke pls dont hurt me

Legate: Do I have permission to take a day trip to Windhelm?

General: oh

General: yes

General: but don’t kill galmar

General: at the very worst just severely maim him

Galmar: why is everyone plotting my demise now

Legate: Not your demise.

Legate: Just your severe maiming.

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I picked a very bad time to come back online, didn’t I

EmpireLovesTheirLists: What even is happening

General: rikke and ulfric are gonna maim galmar

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I

EmpireLovesTheirLists: I’m not going to ask why

(@pleasegivemepeace left the chat)

(@imperiallegate left the chat)

(@highking left the chat)

(@stonefist left the chat)

Dovahkiin: this is why i never got into politics

Dovahkiin: they’re all insane

HonorAmongThieves: you would classify that as insane but disregard anything to do with the thieves guild as insane

Dovahkiin: i’m in a gc with another ghost and a fuckton of assassins trust me the thieves guild is not the craziest thing ive seen

RedguardAssassin: technically there’s only three of us still alive so it’s not exactly a fuckton

Dovahkiin: true but i mean all the people in the gc

Dovahkiin: now that i think about it what IS the craziest thing i’ve seen

Onmund: the entire ordeal with the eye of magnus?

Dovahkiin: nah there was something else i can’t think of what tho

Dovahkiin: OH

Dovahkiin: IT WAS WHEN A SUPPOSEDLY BENEVOLENT DRAGON PRIEST WANTED ME DEAD AS HELL

Irishman: lass 

Irishman: what

Dovahkiin: you heard me brynjolf

Guardian: we have been over this already i THOUGHT YOU WERE MIRAAK.

Dovahkiin: SO?

Guardian: SO???

Guardian: THE MAN TRIED TO KILL ME 3000 YEARS AGO I THOUGHT HE HAD COME BACK TO FINISH THE JOB ONCE AND FOR ALL

Dovahkiin1.0: now how the hell did you expect me to do that if you witnessed me go to apocrypha

Guardian: idk i thought you would find some way out at some point

Guardian: like seduce herma-mora

Dovahkiin1.0: nty im not a monsterfucker

Dovahkiin1.0: and even if i was that bitch wouldn’t be my type

Sneak100: what the hell is this conversation

Sneak100: i wish i could unread everything i just read

HonorAmongThieves: welcome to oblivion on earth

Chapter Text

Hail Sithis

Dovahkiin: ah good you guys aren't dead yet

RedguardAssassin: did you expect us to be???

Dovahkiin: no but with all the shit going on in all the other factions im in i've gotten used to people dying lmao

LittleButFierce: thats

LittleButFierce: actually yk what im not gonna question that

Dovahkiin: dont

RedguardAssassin: what the fuck

Dovahkiin: what

RedguardAssassin: i just went outside and cicero was there

Dovahkiin: oh yeah i didnt kill him

RedguardAssassin: why

Dovahkiin: ask lucien

ghosted: i could feel that sithis didnt want cicero killed so i kept bugging her until she just walked out of the sanctuary

RedguardAssassin: well im not adding him back in the chat

RedguardAssassin: keeper or not i cannot STAND him

LittleButFierce: same tbh

Dumbledore: be nice nazir

RedguardAssassin: fine

RedguardAssassin: wait what in oblivion

LittleButFierce: FESTUS

LittleButFierce: I MISSED YOU

Gabs: AYOOOOO

ShadowScale: IM BACK BITCHES

LittleButFierce: AYYYYY

Arnbjorn: hi again

RedguardAssassin: hi

LittleButFierce: hi

Astrid: uh

Astrid: hi guys

Dovahkiin: no

Dovahkiin: fuck you

Astrid: ok that was expected

Dovahkiin: no fucking shit sherlock

Dovahkiin: first you kidnap me

RedguardAssassin: to be fair we only kidnapped you because you stole our kill, you should be thankful we didn't kill you outright

Dovahkiin: dont interrupt my rant nazir

Dovahkiin: then you tried to make me kill a fellow assassin

ghosted: you had full intention to kill cicero and most likely would have if i hadn't said anything

Dovahkiin: dont interrupt my rant lachance

Dovahkiin: and then

Dovahkiin: YOU SELL ME OUT TO THAT BITCH MARO AND GET 90 PERCENT OF YOUR OWN FACTION KILLED

Astrid: that may not have been the smartest idea on my part but i did try to apologize afterwards

Dovahkiin: and then i killed you with your own weapon not one second after without hesitation

Dovahkiin: what does that say about the quality of your apology

Chapter Text

The Cult

glory: why the fuck are you in labyrinthian again

Dovahkiin: im not im at

Dovahkiin: uh

Dovahkiin: diddlydoo sanctuary or whatever it was called

Guardian: ...Bromjunaar Sanctuary?

Dovahkiin: ya that

Dovahkiin: so technically im not /in/ labyrinthian im just outside of it

glory: what are you doing there

Dovahkiin: getting this sick af mask with tusks

glory: oh i forgot konahrik existed lmao

glory: whose mask was that anyways i don't remember there being a dragon priest named konahrik

Dovahkiin: what does konahrik even mean maybe thatll give you a clue

ImHorrible: warlord i think

magic man: could be miraak's before the entire hermaeus mora thing happened given how much his current mask seems apocrypha-influenced

magic man: but hey, that's just a theory

disgrace: but that wouldn't make sense though given konahrik is basically in the heart of skyrim and the five of us went to solstheim

Zahkriisos: maybe he left it there and just didn't have a mask until the hermaeus mora thing

magic man: why the fuck would he not have had a mask he's not vahlok

Gatekeeper: that begs the question why does vahlok not have a mask

glory: yall do realize you can literally ask them right

Dovahkiin1.0: honestly it's been so long i don't even remember

Guardian: same tbh

Dovahkiin: wait what do the rest of you guys' names mean now im curious

MadHatter: idfk

glory: glory/glorious

disgrace: dishonor

BloodForTheBloodGod: brutal/brutality

magic man: bitter destroyer

Guardian: guardian

Gatekeeper: vengeance

Jonestown: anger/rage

MountainGang: sorrow

ShadowsLife: shadow

Zahkriisos: sword-blood

ImHorrible: horrible

Dovahkiin1.0: allegiance-guide

Guardian: the irony of that allegiance bit given your betrayal

Dovahkiin1.0: oh hardy fucking har

Guardian: don't be mad just because i was ruler of solstheim longer than you were

Guardian: not to mention the fact that history remembers me as a benevolent, just, and noble person and you as an evil traitor

Dovahkiin: benevolent uh huh sure yeah

Guardian: i swear to alduin if you bring that up again

ShadowsLife: ok random change of subject but can we talk about the fact that the vahlok v miraak fight lasted for THREE DAYS

glory: also the fact that it's the reason solstheim is an island

Dovahkiin: wait are you serious

glory: mhm

Dovahkiin: holy shit

Dovahkiin: vahlok i just gained an immense level of respect and awe for your capabilities

Dovahkiin1.0: wait why does he get all the credit i contributed to the island thing as well

Dovahkiin: well vahlok wasn't a little bitch who kept stealing my dragon souls was he

Guardian: yet another tally as to why im superior i see

Dovahkiin1.0: ...