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Diana was getting older, and she was well aware of it. Time keeps passing too quick for her to notice. She wasn’t even old she was still what many people would say her is her prime at age 26. She failed to notice the eye bags getting deeper, the need for glasses was stronger. But if she stopped her work she knew she would just fall into the rabbit hole she calls memories. It’s too late for her. It’s the paperwork getting to her head. She cannot help but sigh, feeling a headache coming on. She knew when she got like this it was just going to be a difficult night. A night filled with regret and longing and constant ‘what ifs’ and if she could have done anything to have saved the past.
Diana took off her glasses, the slow pounding in her head getting stronger. She looked around the room, anything to stop her from falling into the death trap she calls her mind. All she sees is an office that feels empty and cold. She felt a shiver pass by. The wind? No. It’s the whispers of the past still lingering.
It’s late in the evening, all her employees long gone after her. Maybe she should just head home, get some rest so the memories that linger are no longer there in the morning. She has too much to do. She can’t waste precious time. Not after all she lost.
All she needs to do is just go home and rest. Yeah, surely, it’s just her body’s way of saying she needs rest? Diana also wilfully ignored how she know what it’s like when her body is tired, she doesn’t get these thoughts. She knows this time is different, but if she even entertains the thought, it’s game over for her sanity.
Diana makes her way into her car and drives slowly home. As much as she knew she needed to some rest. She dreaded coming home to that cold flat, with no one waiting for her.
As soon as she walked in, she felt the all-encompassing loneliness that she has tried so hard to block out the past few years.
It was no use.
She took off her heels and didn’t even bother lining them up or putting them away. Diana didn’t even bother closing all the curtains and blinds or even turn on the light. The big planes of glass overlooking the city and the bright moon illuminating the flat she calls home. Diana just went straight to the kitchen and to drown a glass of wine she so desperately needed, moonlight lighting her way. It felt deserved.
Diana just took the bottle, just in case, and sat on her large, plush sofa. But she couldn’t help but scoff at herself. What’s the point of a big sofa if it’s only going to be her to use?
All Diana could do is still through those big windows of hers and stare and the moon.
It was a moment of weakness to her, but she couldn’t help but think of her.
Akko.
She could feel the faint voice of Akko graze her neck and shoulders. It brough shivers up her spine. She wasn’t sure if it was good or not.
She didn’t want to know the answer.
But what she did know what that she wanted Akko to call out her name one more time.
The frozen light has slowly moved into Diana’s lap, she’s stood under it but regardless, she want’s to move step by step towards Akko’s side. Where she belongs. Because even after all this time, Diana is still with her.
The frozen light is blocked by a cloud. The little light that was there is no longer there and the room is plunged into darkness. There’s no light or life. Diana shouldn’t be used to it. Regardless she is used to it. Again and again and again.
All she can hear the is low hum of the air conditioner that was left on. She couldn’t bear to turn it off. It’s the only she can listen to, a comforting low-pitched sound.
If she didn’t have this, Diana knows she would just fall apart. The subtle hum keeping loose pieces of sadness together to hold the person she is. She’s not sure why she can’t bear to turn it off. Was it because it was on when they were last together?
Last time they were together… all she can vaguely remember is that they were both crying together. But she also remembers good times, the times they laughed together and all the other moments in between. Those simple moments and simple feelings were everything to her.
When will it be? Diana can’t help but think.
She thinks about everything that they been through.
What she would do if she could see her once more.
So many scenarios flash through her mind. How they would play out.
If she apologised, would they still be together? Would Akko and she talk it out? Would everything go back to the way it was? When everything was so much simpler. How their biggest worry was what job would they get after graduation and what colour to paint their room.
Would they be civil or would it end up with tears and sadness like last time.
Diana mulls over her own questions.
But she knows when it comes down to it. If she ever saw Akko again she would lay her bones bare, look into her eyes and say “I missed you.”
It wasn’t all tears and despair at the end of them. Diana was lost in a rapturous memory. It was raining and for some reason Akko wanted to dance in the rain, Diana didn’t want to join her, she was content and lost in the beauty of Akko dancing alone. And whilst half of mind was trying to convince her to get Akko back inside before she catches a cold, the other half wanted to bask in the moment.
She knew it was too precious a moment to give up.
Oh how right she was all these years later.
By the time it stopped raining and the mist cleared Akko came running to her, feet wet and all.
Whilst she was running, Diana remembers looking into Akko’s eyes and seeing them scream in joy, saying, “Give me a hug then.”
Diana was lost in the moment back then and still now, even in her mind Akko was so captivating. She wasn’t meant to be held back and as much as Diana wanted to selfish, she couldn’t bear to hold Akko back.
Diana was only Akko’s, but it wasn’t the same the other way round. Akko belongs to the world. She knows this now.
That train of thought brought Diana back to her living room. The moon is back, like she always is. Her longest companion.
Diana looked towards the moon once again. She doesn’t know why but her heart aches watching it. Actually, she does know why. The moon looks so lonely to her, that it feels like it’s crying in the bright night sky. She sees her reflection next to the moon. She can’t help but look away.
Even though she knows it is going to be morning one day, she wants the moon to stay around longer. She wants to be near the moon, stay in the sky like a star.
It’s all wishful thinking.
Memories keep flashing in front of Diana’s eyes.
Regret fills Diana’s chest.
Every day and every moment she can’t help but kick herself. If she had known this was going to happen, she would have kept more. More memories, more laughter, more love. More feelings, however simple. They still mean the world to her.
Diana misses Akko so dearly it feels like the taste of love is a thin line away from the taste of dying.
She wishes she could look into the eyes again. Those eyes that bare into her, stripping her down to her bare bones and showing her for what she truly is. Those eyes that accepted everything. Oh how she misses those eyes, how she misses her.
If Diana could go back and relive that memory. The one where Akko is dancing in the rain, hair stuck to her face, a bright grin like there was no where she rather be. Diana wishes she could walk back into that memory and join her. She wants to share in that innocent joy. She wishes Akko pulls her in closer to gain warmth against the cold rain, wet feet and cold legs knocking against each other. She would gladly hold her back then.
Diana swig backs the last bit of wine in her glass and sets it down on the table. She doesn’t know how but she had limited herself to one glass. Maybe it’s because she was just too lost in memories of her and Akko. A blessing in disguise?
She still feels tired though, work took a toll on her as always, but it will never compare to the emotional toil when going through the past in general.
Diana feels so exhausted she can’t help but lie down on her the too big couch for one.
As she closes her eyes, all she can see is the faint smile that looked at her. She hopes in her dreams she draws a beautiful red.
Whilst slowly loosing conscious, Diana can’t help but think,
We may not be on the same page, but I still want to walk this path with you, even if from afar.
Still with you.