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The first time Eijun felt it was when he’s six.
He remembers that time feeling very excited about a certain day: Valentine’s day. To be perfectly honest, he actually had just heard about Valentine’s a day before that; he’d overheard some of the female teachers in his school gushing about gifting handmade chocolates for the men during the lunch back.
He came back to home that day immediately ambushed his grandpa about Valentine’s day, although to his disappointment his grandfather seemed rather disinterested about it. Not one to get discouraged easily, he’d pestered his mom to tell him everything about Valentine’s day; what makes it so special, why people seem excited about gifting chocolate on that day, etc.
His mother, to Eijun’s delight, had been quite patient about explaining it to him; his mom told him that people give chocolate to their special person on Valentine’s day. She later teased whether Eijun had anyone special in mind that he’d like to buy chocolate for.
“You!” Eijun exclaimed without second thought, “And dad! And grandpa!”
His mother had laughed at him, ruffling his hair—a gesture Eijun recognized the adults often did whenever they thought Eijun was saying or doing something silly.
“Not like that, sweetheart,” his mom said amusedly, “I mean, a special person like a very close friend or…a special girl.”
Oh.
Eijun flushed brightly at the thing that his mother insinuated. One name immediately came to mind: Wakana.
Making up his mind, Eijun did a quick trip to the nearby convivence store that very same afternoon, spending his entire weekly allowance on the fanciest looking chocolate he could find on the aisle.
He’d woken up very early the next day—so early that his grandpa was baffled—feeling jittery as he sat through hours of classes with anticipation of the awaited moment.
At long last, the lunch break came. But then a problem presented itself; Wakana was missing. Eijun scouted the entire school ground just to look for that certain girl; the one girl that Eijun had been friends with since toddlers, the cutest and smartest girl that he knew.
In the end the lunch break was over before he could find Wakana. Although not one easily discouraged, he’d tucked the chocolate carefully back into his pocket, intending to give it to Wakana later after school. Hence why Eijun practically jumped out of his seat the second he heard the last bell of the day rang, a little anxious that he wouldn’t be able to catch Wakana before the special day ended.
To his luck, Eijun easily spotted Wakana at the school ground as everyone’s starting to fill out towards the gate.
But to his disappointment……
Wakana was with another boy. Wakana’s face and the boy’s face were so close, a strawberry pink pocky stick between them, each end was on their lips. They both inched forward to take another bite and…
…the pocky stick broke. Just like Eijun’s heart. Broken to pieces.
Eijun teared up. The shiny chocolate package crumpled in his shaking hands.
Wakana and that boy laughed and took another stick; Eijun knew he probably wasn’t supposed to stand there and watching them like a creep, but he couldn’t help it. He then felt something strange, like a sharp object piercing his chest; it hurt.
The boy hugged Wakana, before taking Wakana hand, and then they walked together towards the school gate, giggling together.
Meanwhile, Eijun still stood there, stunned. He bit his lower lip so hard as to swallow down the pathetic sob that’s threating to surge up from his burning throat. He trudged his way back home silently, sniffling quietly when he thought no one around was looking.
The sharp pain inside his chest didn’t cease until later that night, when Eijun finally let his tears out into his pillows after everyone else in the house was asleep.
Eijun vowed after that day that he would be more careful when falling in love in the future, not wanting to experience that sharp pain piercing his chest again.
Alas, he is a fool.
He is an absolute fool.
Eijun notices it in the little things; in the way Kuramochi and Miyuki often hurling playful insults at each other during practice, in the way Miyuki casually barges into his and Kuramochi’s room, demanding “Mochi, let’s do that history essay together—I don’t know what to write about Battle of Okinawa!” or in the way Kuramochi often grumble about ‘that damn cocky bastard’ even as the older boy sitting right beside Eijun during their gaming nights.
He notices it, really.
So, why does he… Why is he…
Now, at 16, seeing Kuramochi run for a hug towards Miyuki in the middle of this tiring match, that piercing sharp pain comes back again, burning hotly inside him, threatening to rip him apart witnessing his two upperclassmen obnoxiously laughing in each other's embrace in the middle of an intense match against Ichidai Sankou, out of all place.
Eijun grits his teeth tightly, put on a smile so widely, so wide that his cheeks hurting.
“Kuramochi-senpai! I knew you could do it! I believed in you!”
“Kyahaha—as you should, brat!”
Kuramochi raises his arm to fist bump him. Eijun reciprocates, copying the gesture. Kuramochi grins widely towards everyone in the dugout, shouting encouragement towards their teammates still in the diamond. So, Eijun does too.
“Zono-senpai! Captain! Bring us another score! You guys can do it!”
His voice hoarse. His throat burns.
But everyone is smiling, grinning, anticipating Amahisa Kousei’s next pitch with batted breath.
So, Eijun does the same; smiling, grinning, shouting out encouragements towards his teammates as always.
…pretending that the sight he witnessed just minutes ago never happened.
…fooling his own heart, convincing himself that the sharp pain piercing his chest right now is due to exertion, and not an entirely different thing.
Being a responsible Ace, as he should, and maybe then, maybe, one day Kuramochi Youichi too, will run towards him with a huge smile and jump at him for a hug like the older boy did with Miyuki just now.
(…maybe Kuramochi will one day hear the quickened tempo of Eijun’s heartbeat whenever Eijun is near him)
Maybe.