Chapter Text
Anthony twirled the glass of whiskey in his hand as Kate’s words played on an endless loop in his head. She had given everything he had wanted and yet his heart has never felt so hollow. Anthony sat up straight and downed the entire glass in one go. This is precisely why he needed to marry Edwina, he cannot fall in love with her. He could not and will not do that to Kate.
He created a list in head: find a ring for Edwina, propose to Edwina, and distance himself from all things Kate Sharma. Anthony surveyed the multitude of rings splayed across his desk, trying to fulfill his first task but all thoughts of Edwina evaded his mind. His eye was constantly drawn to the simple diamond ring that seemingly sang to him and all he could do was picture it in Kate’s hand. All he could do was picture Kate. Her eyes, her lips, her smile, even the way she was crouched underneath that table at the library. The ache the sight had sent through him was unbearable and the desire to comfort her undeniable. But no, it was not meant to be. She would wear someone else’s ring, he would pay for her next season himself. He might not be able to love her, but that did not mean she should not find love at all.
He gave it no further thought and snatched up a sapphire ring from the box. It was pretty enough, he supposed. The only thing that mattered was that whenever he looked at it, he felt absolutely nothing.
He supposed looking back onto his proposal to Edwina that he should not be shocked that she refused to accept it. That girl was just as loyal to Kate as Kate was loyal to her. Truth be told he was not sure how he asked her, but he pushed past the bile and sense of wrongness the rose in him to say the words. And when Edwina finally said no, he felt an overwhelming sense of relief. He would no longer be forced to face Kate at major family holidays, feeling the pain he undoubtedly would feel whenever he was forced to face the harsh reality of his life.
He glanced at the painting of his father, hung high at the study. So many years have passed, and yet his father’s death still demanded a price. A price he had always more or less willingly paid until now. Now he dared to hope and dream of a life where he was still simply Mr. Bridgerton. He could have courted Kate, married her and lived a life where he did not always fight a battle against time.
He sighed, deep and heavy, resigned to his current fate. He had duties to accomplish, he will not give his mother more to complain about. He might not marry Edwina but he will find another. He has to, it’s his responsibility.
Even after everything, he eyes sought her out in the crowded ballroom. He had not talked to Kate or even met her eyes for over two weeks ever since he proposed to Edwina. He received little bits of news about her well-being from his sisters and Lady Whistledown and that would have to be enough. Which was why he was there. Despite his previous personal claims to find a new wife, he could not bring himself to attend a single event in the past two weeks and he refused to ponder why that was. Regardless, he was there after two weeks to confirm one particular rumor.
According to Lady Whistledown, Kate was being courted by the Earl of Lincoln. He had heard his sisters gush over them enough times at home that curiosity had driven to make an appearance tonight. To see what all the fuss was about. Apparently he made quite the impression on his sisters when they visited the Sharmas last week. He had shown up with an armful of flowers and chocolate, got along splendidly with Newton, and managed to make Kate laugh quite a bit apparently. Now, the first thing is simple courtesy. As for the second, Newton liked just about everyone, it was not like the terror was particularly choosy. And… finally he caught sight of her, with him laughing. Almost as if a sign from above to prove to him that the third point did in fact happen.
His chest suddenly ached and felt more hollow than it ever had before. He had thought that he would be able to appraise the Earl from afar, decide if he’s an awful man trying to take advantage and then make a decision on how to proceed from there. Anthony tried to convince himself that he should be able to live in somewhat peace now knowing there is a man out there who loves Kate as she deserves to be loved. But it would seem as if the pain of not being that particular man would persist to be a problem.
Kate met his eyes across the ballroom and… there it was. That damn spark that still did not dim despite the distance between them. Just as soon as she met his eyes, she diverted them back to the Earl, where they remain for the rest of the ball. There is little doubt in Anthony’s mind that they will be wed by the season’s end unless something occurs. However, Anthony refuses to tear his eyes away from her. From now on this will be most he will see of her. From the corner of his eye can see his mother approach with a determined look on face.
“I thought you planned on finding a bride this season? Have your goals changed?”
Anthony finally tore his eyes away from Kate and replied coldly, “No, they have not. I will marry by the end of the season. Feel free to give me a list.”.
It was his wedding day and all he could do was stare at the latest Whistledown column. Read all the details surrounding Kate’s wedding as if he needed more reasons to torture himself. If the rumors are to be true, then his reception will be the first event Kate attends as a married lady. He supposes there is some cruel irony to that. If he was a braver, better man then Anthony’s wedding reception would be the event she attends as a married woman but the only difference would be that she’d be on his arm.
Not for the first time since his engagement he reminds himself that Eleanor Clives is a perfectly fine, beautiful young lady, yet she’s not the one for him. Her hair far too fair, her lips not full enough, and her wit not nearly as sharp. He does feel some guilt at the thought that he will in all likelihood spend their marriage wishing she was someone else. He would neve stray, of that he was certain, but his mind and heart were different matters altogether.
His heart had already been given away, there was simply nothing left for Eleanor to claim. As for his mind, he supposes with more time he will cease thinking about her. Since he’s certainly not going to be thinking about Eleanor his mind will remain blissfully free of such entanglements.
“Anthony, are you ready?” his mother calls out to him as she waits by the door of his study.
“I am mother please enter”
“You do not seem happy, dearest”
“I am fulfilling my responsibility. The idea brings me enough contentment.”
“Do you not love her? Eleanor?”
Anthony looks at his mother sharply and cannot help but feel as if the clarification of Eleanor was a bit pointed. Won’t be the barb his mother has made towards him, certainly won’t be the last.
“I will not lie to you, no I do not love her but rest assured we will lead a fine life.”
At that his mother looked at him pitifully, as if saddened by the notion that he has settled in his life for something that is far from perfect. He tells himself that is fine, he does not plan to be alive for much longer, besides not everyone gets a happily ever after.
It would seem as if he has misjudged Eleanor, dangerously so. All of the qualities about her that he prized dissipated like a mirage at a desert. Gregory and Hyacinth stopped visiting Bridgerton house after her downright cold disposition towards them. They were children, and it would seem that she had no patience for them or their antics at her house. They had more arguments about that than Anthony could count but nothing made her change attitude.
When Benedict married Sophie, instead of protecting her like a Bridgerton, Eleanor joined the ton. She made disparaging comments in public and giggled condescendingly with ladies. There was no love lost between Eleanor and his siblings but that was the final nail in the coffin. He did, however, notice that Kate never laughed at Sophie because of course he did. In fact, she even stood up for Sophie a few times, engaged her in what he can only assume to be riveting conversations. Her relationship with his siblings remain impeccable as always and he cannot help but feel as if unlike Eleanor her’s was not an act.
His siblings visited Bridgerton House only when necessary and avoided Eleanor like the plague. Not that he could blame them. He too could only tolerate so many arguments about his over-involvement in his siblings' life. He tried to do best by them, met them at Number 5 frequently and it was almost as if nothing was wrong. His siblings will not pay for his lapse in judgment. Their relationship with him was one thing he absolutely refused to jeopardize.
Then there was Edmund, his little boy. A spitting image of him who knew his grandmother’s arms more intimately than his own mother’s. Eleanor, proud at delivering him an heir at her first go was just that, prideful. What happened next with their son seemingly concerned her very little. Despite the distance his mother put between them, Edmund craved for her attention like all children crave their mother’s. And eventually when she left England with her lover with a simple note telling Anthony to declare her dead for all she cares, Anthony could not help but feel as if nothing had changed, after all It had been him and Edmund for the past three years, and it’d be him and Edmund for the foreseeable future.
When Anthony saw the article in the London Times discussing the tragic death of the Earl of Lincoln, he could not help the myriad of feelings that rose in him. Selfishly enough it was bitterness that was the prominent feeling. It would appear as if Kate was destined to be a widow regardless whether Anthony married her or not. Destined to have her heart broken by an untimely death whose pieces she’ll have to recover.
He cannot help but realize that he had outlived the Earl. That Kate would have had a longer married life with Anthony than she had with her husband. So what was the point of all this pain he had subjected them to? Fate had already doled out widowhood for Kate, did it also have to make it so that Anthony and Kate could never be together?