Chapter Text
Ryan thinks about this moment a lot more than he probably should.
He doesn't even remember the days around this moment, what the people around them looked like, even what was said was a huge blur, all he remembers is Min-Gi. They were teenagers, maybe 16 or 17, at Dumpty's Dinner, before the train, or when their lives took very drastic turns, still in school, still best friends.
It was just the two of them in the booth until some girl, that Ryan couldn't remember the name of at all, joined them. They were dating at the time, the high school way of dating, so it probably only lasted a few weeks or less, and he had kissed her on the cheek when he up to stand. Min's face had quickly turned from content to discomfort, so quickly that Ryan noticed from the corner of his eye.
He was quick to make a joke about it, "Awe Min, what's with the face? Are you jealouss?"
Min's cheeks quickly grew a shade of red as he shuffled away from Ryan who had sat in the booth, right next to him, mumbling meekly to knock it off. But he didn't, of course he didn't. Instead, he shuffled up closer and laid his arm across Min-Gi's shoulder, he always remembers how his body tensed to the touch and how his eyes looked frantically between the people around them and Ryan.
"You don't have to feel left out man, I'll give you a kiss on the cheek too if you want," Ryan joked as he laughed, the girl had said something but he couldn't remember what, all he could remember was how red Min's face was.
"Ryan, I mean it, sto-" Min had begun saying, turning his head to face him with an irritated expression, but it was quickly stopped by the dumb actions of the other teen.
Ryan had gone in to kiss him on the cheek, and in his defence, it was just meant to be a joke, he didn't actually mean to kiss him, especially if he thought Min was going to look at him, causing him to miss his cheek and place a soft peck to the corner of his lips. It doesn't really count as a kiss, Ryan always says to himself when he replays the scene in his head at night.
He remembers vaguely how different that felt, how amazing it felt, how his stomach instantly flipped and he felt his face burning up, electricity running through his body, how he wanted to do it again, and again, and again. But what he remembers more than anything else, more than how fast his heart was beating, more than his memory of the actual restaurant or anything else, was Min's face after he leant back.
Shock. That was to be expected, Ryan had the same expression, panicked and surprised that had happened in a twisted turn of fate. Then his face turned into something else, something that haunts his daydreams of something out of their friendship becoming more. Disgust. Pure revulsion as he covers his mouth and looked away, unable to meet his eye anymore.
Ryan started laughing like this was all a big joke. It was a bad habit he had, to laugh when he was nervous or practically terrified in social situations, it often sent the wrong message across. Min didn't laugh along, instead was on the edge of the booth, as far away as possible. The day continued. Ryan couldn't stand the space between them and decided to just sit with the girl, he still wouldn't look at him, the air was tense and the rest is a blur.
Disgusted. Ryan thinks about Min's face at that moment quite frequently, usually in the hours of the night as he was trying to sleep, and definitely more frequent when he was alone in his van, touring around, on his own when he was plan was for two, wondering what he could have done differently, wondering if he should have said or confessed some of his very Very complicated feelings. But he thinks back knows what Min-Gi's response would be.
If his reaction was anything to look at, it wouldn't be good.