Chapter Text
Seven days, Steve had been in the hospital for seven days after the events of the Triskelion and the inevitable fall of Shield, before he was cleared to leave. He hadn’t exactly been discharged as much as he had forcibly removed himself from the hospital knowing all to well no one would try and stop Captain America from leaving the premises, even if he was still injured.
Sam was already waiting for him outside, his insurance company had decided replacing the car was easier than trying to fix all the damage the Winter Soldier had inflicted upon it. So Sam leaned on it, leg propped up against the door, overnight bag hanging loosely from his shoulder, “Where to?”
Steve paused for a moment before looking at him with determination, “I have to find him, Sam.”
“I know,” Sam said softly, pushing himself off the car, before asking again. “Where to?”
“Sam, this might be dangerous and it’s definitely illegal,” Steve said, but he still inched closer to Sam. “You’d be risking everything for a guy you don’t even know.” Steve would never ask that of him, Sam knew, which is why he was offering.
“If he’s worth it to you, he’s worth it to me.”
Sam knew how Steve was feeling, after Riley’s death, he had shut down, the falcon program had died with him so he took an honourable discharge from the army, he stopped playing baseball with his army buddies, he refused to listen to any music that reminded him of his partner, he basically stopped living his life. What was the point? Riley was dead and nothing was ever going to be the same. He spent months a angry at the world, at God, at Riley.
He moved back home, images of Riley plummeting to his death plaguing his dreams, he’d often wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and crying. His days weren’t that much different, his mind clouded with grief, the pain almost too much to handle, but Sarah was always there with a shoulder to cry on and an warm embrace.
Days turned to months and months turned to a year, and the pain of losing the love of his life began to dull and for the first time in what seemed like forever, Sam smiled as he walked his little sister down the aisle. Memories once too painful to think of were now accompanied with a sense of comfort and love, wounds that at the time had seemed impossible to close were now beginning to heal. Sam wasn’t over Riley’s death, he didn’t think he would ever truly be over it, but he learned to live with it, he had learned to be happy in spite of it. However, even now after so many years, Sam was absolutely certain that if Riley showed up, brainwashed and shooting at him, he too would move heaven and earth to get him back.
Steve never said anything directly, but he didn’t have to. Bucky was Steve’s Riley and Sam would do whatever it took to help him get Barnes back.
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“I didn’t think it would be this hot?” Sam said as he removed his leather jacket, folding it over his arm. Even though they were covered by a vast expanse of trees, the sun that leaked through the tree tops was enough to have both men sweating within minutes.
“You didn’t think Turkey would be hot in the middle of July? Come on Sam!” Steve laughed at his friend patting his shoulder blade. One of Natasha’s contacts had spotted someone matching the Winter Soldier’s description squatting in an abandoned orphanage in Adalar. A small island jut of the coast of Istanbul, so they’d taken the first flight out to Turkey in the hopes of finding Barnes and bringing him home.
“Yeah my bad man, I know” Sam replied shaking his head as they kept walking. They continued for a while through endless miles of trees, easily chatting about nothing in particular until they reached a clearing, “What the fuck?”
Steve shot him an annoyed look but didn’t say anything more. In front of them stood a huge building made entirely out of wood, easily big enough for 1,000 people, unfortunately it also looked about one moderately strong gust of wind way from falling to its demise. “If your homeboy is here we better find him soon, cause I don’t think this place is gonna last much longer.”
“Yeah, but we’re sticking together, if this thing falls I don’t want you getting trapped somewhere.” Sam rolled his eyes but Steve had a point, if the orphanage fell, he didn’t have the super strength to just pull himself out, and they’d both agreed it would be best if he left his wings at home to avoid suspicion. They were just two bros vacationing through Europe, not a couple of Avengers looking to bring a brainwashed ex-assassin home.
“Yeah sure, we both know it’s because you’re too scared to go in by yourself but don’t worry man, I’ll protect you.” Sam grinned at Steve, who smirked back before jogging to what they assumed was the front door. Most of the windows on the lower floors were boarded up so they couldn’t really peak inside from the outside.
“We should clear the whole floor with before moving up” Steve suggested, Sam nodded and quickly responded, “yeah sure, that works for me.” The building was huge, six floors high and multiple wings long. There were long corridors filled with mold infested rooms, Sam assumed this is were the orphanged children used to live. The floorboards creaked with every step they took, and the continuous wind made an eerie noise ironically fitting to the building. It was big, old and the wood was somewhat rotten but Sam could see how it could’ve been beautiful in it’s prime, there was a practically destroyed piano in the corner, missing one leg and all but two of it’s strings, but he could imagine fingers running on they keys and the music filling his ears.
They had cleared five floors when Sam finally spoke up. “Man I don’t think anyone is staying here, not even Barnes, this isn’t safe.” Even for the infamous Winter Soldier this was beyond unlivable, there was no water anywhere nearby, there were huge holes on every floor and Sam was certain there was a whole wall that had just collapsed in on itself.
“There’s just one more floor to go, you stay here and I’ll check out the last one. Wait here.” Steve told him, before turning around and climbing carefully up the last flight of stairs.
“Hey! What happened to sticking together?” Sam yelled after him, “Stay here Sam. You could get hurt Sam. You aren’t a super enhanced human person, Sam.” He muttered sarcastically to himself but didn’t move from his spot where he was looking out of the wooden window.
Creak creak creak
Sam whipped his head towards the noise. It was probably nothing, just the wind. Yeah it’s just the wind he thought, but carefully made his way over to the creaking sound. As he got closer he noticed there was a door they hadn’t seen before, hidden between the mold and rotten wood, it couldn’t be a large room, maybe a broom closet at best, but when he reached over to pull it open, the noise stopped.
They went to Turkey to find Barnes, they went to this specific orphanage in the middle of a tiny island with no cars because they had gotten a lead that Barnes was staying there, Sam quit his job and jumped on a plane with Captain America with the explicit purpose of locating Barnes. Which is why to this day he still can’t explain why he was so surprised when he opened the flimsy wooden door and found none other than the Winter Soldier stuffing a journal in a backpack staring back at him like a spooked owl.
Sam froze for a moment, but after a second Barnes zipped his backpack closed and slowly placed it on his back. Steel blue eyes gazed into Sam’s brown ones, he could see a mixture of fear, pain and something Sam couldn’t quite place. This man could easily throw him out the window without breaking a sweat and he was scared of Sam. Right. Deep down Sam knew this wasn’t the same person who’d ripped the steering wheel out of his car and kicked him of off the helicarrier wingless, this was the face of a man that was confused and lost and Sam felt for him.
Steve was his best friend, they had brought down Shield/Hydra together, fought together, he’d brought back a sense of meaning to his life that Sam hadn’t felt in years. And yet in that moment, none of that mattered, he couldn’t bring himself to turn Barnes in when he clearly didn’t want to be found yet. For some unimaginable reason he trusted Barnes wouldn’t hurt anyone else, whatever his reasons were to remain in hiding, Sam and Steve showing up here was an opportunity to come home, an opportunity Barnes was not able to take at the moment, so Sam nodded and took a step back, almost missing the grateful, surprised look on Barnes’s face. He closed the door just as Steve came back in the room.
“Hey, you okay? Did you find anything?” Steve asked, walking closer to Sam, to the door, to Barnes.
“No, it’s just the wind, but this building is about to collapse, we really should get outta here.” Sam made his way to Steve, he placed an his hand on Steve’s arm praying Steve would follow him to the stairs. “Come on, if Barnes was here, he’s definitely not anymore. There are no signs he was even here to begin with.”
Steve sighed, closing his eyes for a second. “You’re right, let’s go,” he said following Sam to the stair case. “I knew it wasn’t going to be this easy, we weren’t going to show up and find him waiting for us ready to come home, but I didn’t think, I just... I guess I was just hoping I could see him again.” Steve muttered following Sam down the stairs.
Sam didn’t dare look back, he knew keeping Barnes’s location to himself was technically wrong, he was Steve’s best friend, he was putting everything into finding him, but that small moment, however fleeting, felt intimate, it felt like a promise between the two of them, I’ll come back, just give me time. As much as Sam wanted to help Steve, if Bucky needed a little more time before coming home, then he could afford to wait however long he needed.
The walk back to the hotel was quiet. The island, outside of the creepy orphanage mansion, was beautiful, and the lack of cars meant they got to walk along the shore and watch the sun set. Both men were too lost in their thoughts to maintain a decent conversation flowing, Sam kept waiting for the telltale signs of guilt to start creeping in, but in never came, so he kept walking with thoughts of Barnes swirling through his head.
It wasn’t until they were back in their room, each sitting down on their own beds, takeout boxes sprawled in front of them that Sam worked up the courage to ask Steve about his relationship with Barnes. “How long were you two, you know, together?” He was aiming for casual but it came out much too tense, so he coughed a bit before continuing. “You don’t have to tell me, but after Riley died, it helped..., it helped to talk about him.”
It was partly true at least now, in the beginning any mention of Riley sent Sam into a spiral pain and misery that have him anxious for days, but as time went on, telling stories about him became a way to keep him close, to keep his memory alive.
Steve looked up from his food and paused before replying. “Bucky and I? We never..., he wasn’t..., I never told him how I felt. Not that it would have mattered anyway back then it was illegal.”
“I’m sure he knew, Steve, he loved you too or he wouldn’t have followed you to the jaws of death.” The last part made Steve smile. Sam knew the story of Captain America and the Howling Commandos, the history textbooks never failed to mention Bucky’s fame with the ladies, but high school aged Sam had always gotten the impression that it was a cover up, when he saw how Steve reacted to Barnes, any doubt about it was erased from his mind.
“No, I mean, he was my best friend, he was everything to me, even when I had nothing, I had Bucky, but he wasn’t... he didn’t ... he didn’t like men like that. He didn’t love me like that and that’s fine, I spent half my life in love with him even when he didn’t love me back. I just ... I ... I don’t know, Sam.” Oh, this was definitely not what he was expecting. Everyone knew about Peggy, Sam had kind of always assumed they had gotten together after Barnes because him and Steve had been a thing, but no apparently, Steve had dated Peggy to get over Barnes.
Steve was leaning back against the headboard, his head facing the ceiling with closed eyes, the food was all but forgotten in front of him. Sam stood up from his own bed and made his way over to Steve, he took a moment to think before speaking. “Steve, he might not have been in love with you, but he definitely loved you. And yeah it sucks to fall for a straight guy, especially when you’re close, but that doesn’t make your friendship any less important or any less special.”
Steve opened his eyes, tears threatening to fall, “Thanks Sam, really.” He let out a small snort before continuing, “No one really noticed me before the serum, you know? All Bucky had to do was look at a girl, and he could have anyone he wanted. He wasn’t a player, don’t get me wrong, but he never really took the same girl out twice. Somewhere inside my head I managed to convince myself that maybe he might like me too, but even when I hinted at it he never reciprocated.” Steve took a swig of his beer, the alcohol didn’t really have any physical effect on him but it gave him time to gather his thoughts before continuing.
“And then, after the serum, everyone started looking at me for the first time and for a moment I thought, maybe he’ll love me now, but he didn’t. That’s on me I know, and I learned to live with it. I need you to understand I’m not doing this because of all that, I’m doing it because he would do the same for me.”
“Hey man, Steve look, I know. I just think you need to prepare for the possibility that the Bucky we bring back is not the same one who fell of the train.” Sam decided from the start of all of this that he wasn’t going to play counsellor for Steve or any of the other Avengers, it’s a choice he was going to stick to, but he could be a friend, and as his friend he had to make sure Steve understood the extent of the trauma Bucky had most likely suffered.
“Thanks, Sam. I’m just gonna try and catch a couple of hours of sleep, we can continue this tomorrow.” Once again the king of avoiding the subject strikes again, Steve didn’t really want to talk about it, that much was obvious and as his friend Sam accepted that, knowing full well Steve wasn’t going to bring it up again.
“Night man.” Sam just sighed and plopped back over to his own bed, the day had been exhausting, both physically and mentally. He closed his eyes and within minutes he was out like a light, his dreams being invaded by a blue eyed soldier.
Just as Sam had predicted, Steve never brought up the subject again and Sam wasn’t going to force him. Steve still told him stories of their past, small details he would remember from his youth, but anytime the conversation flowed in a more serious direction, Steve would shut down and change the subject.
For the next few weeks, every time Nat had a lead on Barnes’s whereabouts, Steve and Sam would be on the first plane there. Sam had seen more of Europe in the last few weeks than he’d ever seen before. France, Hungary, the Netherlands, every time they thought they were close, they had actually arrived a little too late. Barnes would be long gone and Sam couldn’t help but feel disappointed he hadn’t been able to see him again, strictly because of mission purposes of course.
Then Ultron happened and Steve had to go be an Avenger, which left Sam all alone in the middle of Bulgaria. One of Natasha’s contacts had sent him the last known location of the Winter Soldier, an abandoned textile factory in Veliko Tărnovo. It wasn’t as isolated as some of the previous locations that he’d seen, but at least it was better than the orphanage in Turkey.
Barely.
Sam walked into the factory expecting to find no trace of Barnes ever having being there, just like every other site they’d checked out over the past few months. However, in an unexpected turn of events, he found Barnes sitting in the middle of a mostly empty room, surrounded by debris from the collapsing building, with a laptop placed on top of a cardboard box in front of him. He looked up at Sam for a second before going back to what he was doing, furiously typing away on the keyboard like his life depended on it. Sam was confused as to how to proceed, Barnes had obviously seen him, but had made no other attempt to communicate, on the other hand, he wasn’t trying to run away like the first time, which now that he thinks back to it,
“You wanted me to find you back in Turkey, didn’t you? You waited until Steve left, why?” For all the times, Sam had replayed the moment in his head he’d never stopped to consider that Barnes wouldn’t have been found if he truly didn’t want to. Barnes snorted but didn’t look up from the screen. “Why didn’t you tell Steve?” Good point.
“Look man, just tell me what’s going on cause I’ve been running around chasing your ass for months now and I’m frankly getting a little tired.” Sam looked down at Barnes, he looked about how you would expect an ex-assassin on the run would look. His hair was held into place with a hair tie, and Sam was sure he had never even heard of conditioner. He probably hadn’t showered in weeks either.
“Hmmm ok, I only remember bits and pieces, its all jumbled up in my head. I went to the museum, the one in DC? I read about what I did and how I died, but it still feels like it was someone else.” Bucky had stopped typing but refused to look Sam in the eye. “I’m not the Bucky he remembers, hell up until a few months ago I couldn’t even remember my name was Bucky. I’m not ready to see him yet.” Honesty, Sam could work with that.
“What do you need?” Sam asked, he sat down in front of Barnes, legs crossed underneath him. Barnes looked up at him, surprise evident on his face. He’d probably been expecting a lecture or at least a half assed attempt to get him to go back to the US before Sam even listened to his plan.
“There’s a mission I need to finish and then I’ll go back with you, but this is something I need to do alone.” Of course, Sam wanted to be shocked but he couldn’t really find it in him. “So you needed me to keep Steve off your trail,” he sighed.
“It would help, yes.”
“I can give you a few months at most, but you have to promise you won’t go into a killing spree or something man.” Why was he agreeing to this? Sam rubbed his eyes, Steve was going to kill him if he ever found out.
“That’s sort of the problem doll, I can’t promise that, not until I finish this mission.” Sam didn’t visibly react to the nickname, even if it did make him feel all warm inside. He’s straight Sam. Wait, no he’s Steve’s is what he should be worried about. “What even is this mission Barnes?” He said instead.
“I’m dangerous and I can’t control it. Hydra programmed me to activate and comply whenever they said the right words. There’s a book, like a “How to use your Winter Soldier” manual, I need it, it might have something about de programming, or at the very least I can destroy it and no one else can use it.” Barnes continued to type away at the keyboard which was starting to really annoy Sam.
“Hey, hey, hey, stop that for a minute.” He said pointing at the keyboard, “Where is this manual?”
Barnes stopped typing, “I don’t know, I’ve been hitting all the Hydra bases I can remember, but so far it hasn’t been in any of them yet.” Sam’s head shot up. “Wait, was the Hydra bunker that exploded in Austria? That was you?” That earned him a chuckle from the soldier. “Yeah, I did make sure no one was near it before I blew it up though.”
“Ok, for arguement’s sake let’s say I agree to this crazy plan of yours, I need to know I can trust you Barnes. What if you get compromised? What if someone finds your little instructional manual and you go all Terminator again? No offence dude but we can’t have you running around killing people.” Oh God, Sam was so close to just going along with this stupid plan, but he had to at least pretend to think about it.
“I don’t know what that means, but that’s why I needed to talk to you alone. If I’m compromised, I need you to shut me down. By whatever means necessary. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore Sam and we both know Steve isn’t the kind to give up on people, I need you to promise me that you’ll stop me before I hurt anyone, please.” Barnes was looking at him with wide, blue eyes. Fuck, he’d always been a sucker for pretty eyes.
“I promise you that I’ll do my best, how’s that?” Barnes nodded, it was a start. He’d told Steve Barnes wasn’t the kind you saved, he was the kind you stopped, but after ten minutes in a room with him and Sam was starting to understand why Steve was so gone on him. “But you’ve gotta let me know if something happens man, and you’ve gotta be honest with me. I’m going out on a limb here and I need to know I can trust you.”
“I’ll check in with you, I promise but you can’t tell Steve about this.”
“You’re asking me to lie to my best friend, Barnes.” Sam understood his reasons, if Steve were here he would’ve already tied Barnes up and shipped him back to New York, which is the only reason he was going along with this nonsense.
“I’m asking you to lie to mine too.” Ugh, fair enough.
Sam sighed as he got up, his legs had begun to cramp. “Alright, then. Do I at least get to know where I’m following you next? Just so I can be prepared. I wasn’t expecting that much rain in Hungary.” He asked, Barnes gave him a genuine smile and Sam felt his heart swell up, fuck. “You might want to bring a warmer jacket, the snow is heavy this time of year.” His voice was unexpectedly soft, if Sam knew any better he might even call it fond.
“Ok then Barnes, I’ll see you in a few weeks with a warm jacket. Try not to get yourself killed in the mean time.” Sam dusted himself before heading towards the exit. “Hey Sam,” he heard Barnes whisper softly, so he turned around to look at him.
“Call me Bucky”