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Sephiroth cannot find his calm today. The memories keep crowding in: bodies pressed against each other, hands eager with the need to touch, to hold, to feel, mouths swallowing each unholy sound the other makes.
Scowling, he jams the book he's returning to its designated place a little too hard. It knocks the books on the other side of the shelf to the floor.
"Shit," he curses under his breath.
These rickety shelves give him nothing but trouble. Their base is unstable and the whole construct is a step away from collapsing on top of him. It must have already been ancient when the library was first founded. Unlike the other departments, the Theatre and Performing Arts section has never been modernised. No money for the arts, as Genesis is wont to complain. The only concession to its existence was granting its catalogue (most of which are donations, not acquisitions) its own corner, which is barely bigger than a storage closet. It's dustier than a mummy's grave too, but at least he doesn't have to run into anyone there. Usually.
"Shh," comes an admonishing whisper from behind. "No need for crude language. We're still in a library."
Sephiroth is thankful that his dignity forbids him to whirl around the way his shot nerves would have prefered, because halfway though turning around he realises who this voice belongs to.
Think of the devil...
"Let me guess," he says, picking up the fallen books. "You're here to pester me about the first edition of the Wutaian commentary again."
He doesn't have to mention that he's talking about Loveless. With Genesis, that subject is implied.
"Sorry to disappoint," he continues, "but it's out of print and there are no copies available via interlibrary loan."
"Why do I get the distinct impression that you didn't even check?" Genesis asks and crosses his arms. "And what happened to your face?"
"My face?"
Sephiroth touches his cheek before he can think better of it. The swelling has gone down. He'd made sure to ice it as soon as Hojo's back was turned so he wouldn't have to field any awkward questions. There are only so many times he can pretend he got struck by a bokken during practice before his pride starts smarting, too.
"You look dreadful."
"Thanks?"
Genesis takes one long, haughty look at him that Sephiroth couldn't have done better, before he shakes his head and says, "You're coming with me."
Sephiroth barely has time to protest as Genesis grabs him by the arm and proceeds to drag him toward the exit.
"I'm still on the clock, you know?" he says, but otherwise lets himself be manhandled. It's preferable to being alone with his thoughts.
"And you're choosing to hide away in an unused part of the library during your work hours."
"I was working. I was returning the book you had loaned out."
Genesis sniffs. "Defensive. Something is definitely up. Angeal will want to know what it is."
"Sure, Angeal wants to know."
"You think I care?"
"Far be it from me to allege you were capable of having tender emotions towards me," Sephiroth says and yanks his arm back. "But I'm sure your curiosity is killing you right now."
"Let's just get this over with," Genesis says and encourages him through the door leading into the foyer.
"I can't just leave my post," Sephiroth plays his last hand in a feeble attempt at stalling, even though he knows it won't do him any good, not when Genesis is this determined.
"Relax, no one expects a student employee to actually work. Especially not if they're not even going to university yet."
"It's called making a good impression. You should try it sometime."
"I'll keep that in mind. Now come. As Angeal likes to say: you'll feel better afterwards."
But Sephiroth doesn't feel better. How could he when he's dredging up the images he's spent all day trying to forget? All it does is make him feel worse. Because it hurts. Fuck, it hurts so much.
There was a time when he'd resigned himself to uselessly pining after Rufus. He'd thought he'd be okay with them just being friends. That he'd eventually grow out of his feelings because Rufus wasn't interested.
But that was before Rufus made out with him just to 'know what it's like' to kiss someone with a tongue piercing. Before he suggested they keep doing it until Sephiroth got the hang of it. Before a tiny seed of hope was beginning to take root.
In idle moments he has wondered if Rufus would have lost interest sooner if he'd discovered Sephiroth's tongue piercing when it was fully healed. When Sephiroth's tongue felt like a part of him again and not some alien appendage he had to learn to reuse. When he could have kissed Rufus to his heart's content without risking his tongue swelling up again. If he could have done that, Rufus would not have felt like he had anything to impart and neither of them would have had an excuse to make out with the other.
He'd been so stupid to give into that faint glimmer of hope that Rufus kept dangling in front of him. To let Rufus play with him like that in the first place. Stupid and spineless. He just couldn't come clean about his feelings because he feared rejection. At least, he couldn't come clean to Rufus.
Angeal is a different matter. Angeal had figured out Sephiroth had a crush on Rufus before Sephiroth was ready to see it. Possibly because he knew the signs from his own experience.
Sitting across from him and Genesis in the cafeteria, Sephiroth mutters confessions into his tea. How Hojo won't allow him to continue to go to kendo practice if he brings home another test score that isn't 100% - "If you can't find the time to study harder, perhaps you should make the time." It's something that his friends would find upsetting, too. Kendo practice is where they met when Sephiroth was new at school, after all.
He is careful not to touch his cheek while he talks but he does work his jaw when they've fallen silent, just to make sure that he no longer feels the sting. Hojo has a mean right hand.
When the silence stretches on too long, Genesis excuses himself to get another drink. Angeal and Sephiroth both watch his retreating back.
"I'm sorry Hojo is giving you grief, but that's not all, is it?" Angeal asks as he turns toward Sephiroth again.
"Hmm?" Sephiroth keeps his voice light and airy, as though he really didn't understand. Nothing has ever sounded faker to his ears. Except perhaps all the times he agreed with Rufus that 'this doesn't have to mean anything.'
"What's really going on, Seph?"
Sephiroth sighs. "I can't keep secrets from you, can I?"
"You're entitled to them, but I really do think it's better to talk about what's bothering you." Angeal takes a pointed sip from his cup to give Sephiroth time to consider. "It's Rufus, isn't it?"
Sephiroth's lips draw into a thin line. He could deny it, or he could see if talking about it brings any relief.
"I saw him at the library today," he says.
"Here?"
"No, at school." Sephiroth likes hanging out there when he's between classes and needs a moment to clear his head. There's no quieter place on campus. Only, it wasn't as quiet today as it usually is. "He was with that girl from Martial Arts."
"You mean the one who beat you in the tryouts?"
Sephiroth throws him a cautioning look. He didn't need the reminder. Seeing her had jogged his memory enough. She kicked his ass soundly, which was something no one else had managed and something that his pride hasn't forgiven her to this day.
"Dare I ask what they were doing?"
Perhaps it's time to stop beating around the bush, he thinks, and sighs. "They were making out."
"I hope you informed them the library is no place for that."
"They were too into it."
Angeal's gaze softens, but Sephiroth doesn't want his sympathy. "I should have seen it coming. I mean, I've seen him flirt with her before. But I always thought he was barking up the wrong tree. She never seemed interested in him."
"Who are we talking about?" Genesis asks and slides into the seat next to Angeal.
"Rufus."
"Ugh," Genesis makes a disgusted noise in the back of his throat as he rips open a packet of sugar. "Screw him."
Sephiroth bites the inside of his lip and keeps his face neutrally blank. The ensuing silence between them would be complete if his blood weren't pounding in his ears.
Genesis stops stirring his tea. "You didn't."
"Don't," Sephiroth warns him. "Please don't say anything."
He might lose it if he has to contend with mockery as well. He already feels betrayed by his best friend, even though he only has himself to blame for letting everything get so out of hand. If Sephiroth didn't speak up, how could Rufus know he was playing with his feelings? For all he was aware, they were just having a bit of fun.
It doesn't have to mean anything.
The trouble is that it has always meant something to Sephiroth. And in his hopeful confusion, he had attributed too much to Rufus's words: it doesn't have to, but what if it did?
What if it did?
"Seph, I'm sorry--"
"Spare me." Sephiroth stands before Angeal even has the chance to reach across the table. "Please."
This was a mistake. He should not have come here and told them. Now he has to deal with his feelings and the fact that they know about his stupid mistakes. Perhaps if they had stayed between him and Rufus, they could both keep pretending nothing untoward ever happened.
"If you'll excuse me," he manages without choking on the words. "I have to get back to work."
The sight of bookcases might not be the most appropriate for him right now, but he's sure he can find some busywork. Anything to keep his brain from obsessing over what he has seen.
"Let's meet up later," Angeal says behind him, apparently unable to let him leave just like that. "And bring your gear. I want to see how you've improved since we graduated."
Despite the ache in his chest, Sephiroth finds a smile creeping onto his lips. Angeal wants to help and offers him a way to work through his feelings via swordfighting. At the very least, that sounds better than talking.
"Then you better come prepared," he says, "because I'm going to beat you to the ground."