Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It all started because of a speckle of floating clouds.

It was a perfectly breezy summer afternoon and normally Tsukishima would have liked to enjoy this type of day by sitting at home reading with the windows open and a glass of mint tea on his nightstand for easy access. In fact, he was setting his room up for that very purpose when he heard a knock on his door. The half-finished ambiance, yes ambiance because his process was that detailed, was abandoned as he made his way to the front door expecting to glance at a Mormon missionary through the peephole and return to his sanctuary. What he was not expecting was Yamaguchi's cheeks glowing pink and smiling as he held a baby blue blanket with Winnie the Pooh characters frolicking in what looked like a spring scene.

Without sparing a second thought Tsukishima opened the door.

“Hi, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi light voice rang, smile widening further into what Tsukishima can only describe as a full on beam. 

Tsukishima doesn't respond, instead he raises his hand to play with the door latch in an embarrassingly obvious act of self-soothing. This always happens. And after the encounters, Tsukishima will inevitably lay in bed with headphones blasting music while convincing himself that the tidal wave of emotion Yamaguchi stirred up in him earlier in the day were not in fact tidal waves at all, but mere ripples. And that with proper mindful thinking and steady preparation he won't act any differently than he does with the other volleyball club members. He won't have to fixate on nearby objects in a desperate attempt to coax his body to not blabber out his unadulterated and mind-numbing affections for his best friend. No not at all, he'll do no such thing and keep his hands resting at his sides very normally. As very normal people do. Not people like him, with an unrequited love for their best friend.

“-is that alright?” Yamaguchi finished a sentence which Tsukishima obviously was not mentally present for. Shit.

“Yeah... whatever.” That was a safe response, right? A solid blanket statement?

His inner doubts were mediated by Yamaguchi’s shifting the blanket to one arm and reaching out the other to grab Tsukishima’s. Correction, maybe ‘yeah whatever' is the perfect statement. Japan should change its national anthem to it immediately.

And with that Tsukishima found himself being dragged to a green belt park near his house, hot mint tea surely getting cold and routine ruined, and yet Tsukishima found himself smiling.

_________________________________

After the blanket was set up, to Yamaguchi’s extreme scrutiny because “ants are Satan’s greatest creation” the two teenage boys were laying down idly watching the clouds. Or at least Yamaguchi was, while Tsukishima watched him.

Tsukishima had also learned that the reason they were both out here in the first place was because Yamaguchi’s house roof was being redone and the loud hammering was making his anxiety worsen. He also learned that Yamaguchi had snuck some rice crispy treats into his pockets as a bribe for Tsukishima’s accompaniment. Tsukishima had offhandedly joked that he was only present for the bribes but he knew that was a complete lie. Yamaguchi could have asked him to punch trees for hours with no hint of a bribe and Tsukishima would have agreed it meant spending time with the boy.

“Look Tsukki! Doesn’t that one look like Perry the Platypus?”

He quickly moved his attention to the clouds before Yamaguchi looked back at him for his response.

“Yeah but he’s missing the hat so wouldn’t he just be an average platypus?”

Yamaguchi turned his eyes back to the clouds and Tsukishima turned to watch his eyes glittering white and blue with the sky.

Look at me

Allow me to marvel at my reflection in your eyes

So I can see myself in its most beautiful state

I crave your gaze like a sunrise

He thought sappily. He heaved out a breath flabbergasted by his own thoughts.

“Hmmm, I mean yeah but aren’t all platypi directly tied to Perry now?”

Tsukishima loved that Yamaguchi knew the plural of platypus.

“I guess, but are they even the same since normally they’re brown, not green like him?”

Yamaguchi shot up into a sitting position and stared down at him. “Are you serious right now!” He shouted.

Tsukishima lost it at that. Cracking up in short bursts of laughter that died down only to be replaced by louder bursts and he remembered the look at Yamaguchi’s flabbergasted face.

“How do you know the plural word for their name and not their color?” He was able to get out in between chuckles.

“I don’t know they’re not at the zoo or anything so how was I supposed to know?”

“You google it.”

“I did but pictures of Perry fan art came up instead.”

Both boys burst out laughing then. Pushing at each other's shoulders in mock annoyance every time the other added a cheesy joke to the conversation.

They laid there like that for hours, laughing and joking. The breeze feeling cool against their warm blushing cheeks.

Later that night Tsukishima was in bed trying to sleep to no avail as those words from the cloud watching kept repeating over and over again in his head. After three hours of trying to fall asleep with no success, he relented to getting up and shuffling to his desk. He pulled out one of the backup math notebooks he always kept in his room just in case and scrawled out the words on the first page. Adding more touches as the thoughts flowed.

It wasn’t until the next morning while brushing his teeth did he realize he just wrote a love poem about his best friend. And that the love poems would inevitably multiply.

_________________________________

“Hinata you dumbass!!! Can’t you drink water without spilling it everywhere?!?!?” Kageyama bellowed during their volleyball practice break. The team members were all currently sitting around the gym in small groups chatting idly.

“Don’t yell at me! It’s not like I want to spill. Plus I’m the one who has to live with my soggy shirt now.”

Yamaguchi pulled a face of confusion. “Can a shirt be soggy Hinata? I thought soggy meant it was like... softer and messed up because of a liquid?”

Hinata put his fingers to his chin in mock deep thought. ‘Mock’ because Tsukishima is pretty sure Hinata has never actually had a cognitive thought in his life.

“I don’t know,” Hinata responded slowly. “What else would you call it though?”

Tsukishima wanted this conversation to end immediately. He could feel himself losing brain cells.

“Wet, damp, soaked, drenched, saturated, how about literally any other fucking word but soggy.”

Yamaguchi covered up a laugh with a cough.

“Okay Tsukishima but at least I didn’t say 'moist'. You could at least thank me for that.”

“Why would I thank you for refraining from using proper grammar? You should have said 'moist', the definition would have been correct for your statement.”

“Yeah but moist is a gross word idiot.”

“What the fuck no it’s not! It’s a normal word, it’s just a synonym for wet!”

Kageyama chose to break his silence there.

“It kind of is a gross word. I agree with Hinata.”

Tsukishima was losing his goddamn mind. He would have to quit volleyball before he got convicted for a double homicide.

“Wowwww. Obviously, I have been corrected because two idiots who can’t even spell moist in English after taking it in school for ten years agree that it’s a bad word. Whatever will I do.” His voice practically dripping with sarcasm.

Hinata and Kageyama were about to angrily argue but Yamaguchi’s small voice beat them to the punch.

“Actually I gotta agree with Hinata and Kageyama on this one Tsukki, 'moist' just feels bad.”

What the fuck.

“OHHH we won Kageyama!!! There’s no way even Tsukishima will yell at Yamaguchi.” Hinata said while raising a hand to high-five his fellow imbecile.

A loud clap could be heard resonating in the gym.

“Yeah, Yamaguchi is kind of like a trump card for Tsukishima.”

“Shut the f-“

“Alright everyone breaks over! Back to practice!” Daichi yelled over him, clapping his hands together to get everyone’s attention.

The team members got up and began to make their way to court. Yamaguchi stopped him by rubbing his hand up and down in his arm soothingly. Tsukishima forgot how to breathe.

“Sorry Tsukki, I didn’t mean to pick sides. You know I’m always on your side right?” Yamaguchi said with a sweet smile. Finishing with a final pat and walking forward to practice his float serves.

Tsukishima stood there for a solid minute before he managed to pull his soul back into his body and take a step forward. “Is it possible for a touch to heal you? Body and soul? You’re human just like me, so how come when you touch me I feel more holy? I don’t worship any gods but I feel like that might begin to change.”

That night his notebook not only got two more pages of poetry. But also a cover title in perfect cursive.

“Yamaguchi”.

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Chapter Text

There was a long list of things that Tsukishima hated in this world (Hinata and Kageyama being a given obviously). There was country music, mushy grapes, people who don’t cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough, early morning, humidity, dirty silverware, bad grades, his neighbor’s idiot son who played the drums, and smelly clothes. But at the very top of the list that has been able to retain its placement for over six years is seeing Yamaguchi upset. The other things made his blood boil, but once they were out of his sight he didn’t care. But Yamaguchi being upset? No, that lasted much longer. In fact, it ate away at him. Consuming his thoughts, turning his stomach, and breaking his heart. So you could imagine Tsukishima’s reaction when Kageyama had made an offhand cruel comment about Yamaguchi’s float serves at the convenience store they were all at.

“What the fuck did you just say?” He kept his voice eerily calm as he asked the question.

“Tsukki don’t it's not a big deal okay? Let’s just shop, I want some fry chips please?” Yamaguchi asked while tugging gently on his sweater sleeve. He knew what it meant when Tsukishima kept his voice calm while cursing. Usually, he yelled it out when he was mad, but when he spoke it softly like this. He wasn’t just mad, he was calculating, preparing, and analyzing. Tsukishima didn't lose all inhibitions often, but when he did, he did it without guilt. Friendships be damned for all he cared. Ergo the increasingly insistent sleeve tugging by Yamaguchi.

“No, it is a big deal. Your feelings being hurt will always be a big deal,” Tsukishima replied without looking at Yamaguchi. Worried a glance at his pleading face would ruin his resolve. He wouldn’t allow that, Kageyama wouldn’t get away with this. “Kageyama should figure out that there’s this thing called real-life that doesn’t solely revolve around volleyball. Just because volleyball is the only part of your life that you haven’t managed to fuck up, doesn’t mean it’s the same way for everyone.”

Kageyama was about to retort before Hinata cut him off.

“Kageyama just apologize, alright? What you said to Yamaguchi was kinda douchey so just apologize and we can all move past this without hurting anyone else’s feelings, right Tsukishima?” He finished while pointedly looking at Tsukishima, most likely from the jab he made at Kageyama. Those two were too obvious with their hidden affections, it was nauseatingly familiar.

Tsukishima gave it a solid five seconds, and when he was met with nothing but silence he figured he had done his part as a good Samaritan, and he now needed to absolutely decimate Kageyama with precise and unrestrained insults. But before he could come out with a decisive ‘king’ blow he saw Yamaguchi moving closer to him from the corner of his eye.

Yamaguchi wrapped his hands around Tsukishima’s. And as the boy beside him began rubbing his thumb up and down the back of his hand Tsukishima couldn’t form a coherent thought. How unfair, Kageyama would live to see another day.

“Sorry, Yamaguchi. I didn’t mean it in a mean way, I just kind of said it the same way I usually say things to myself. Not to put you down.”

Now he was drawing a heart pattern. Was this real life?

“Thanks for apologizing, Kageyama. But even so, you shouldn’t talk to yourself like that, you’re a good person, you deserve to treat yourself kindly too.”

Was that a star now?

“Yeah…okay .” Hinata began pating Kageyama’s back like an owner petting its dog after sitting on command. Tsukishima wouldn't be surprised if snacks were offered next. 

“See Yama, that wasn’t so hard. Now all is good, kumbaya and all that stuff and we can actually get back to the whole reason we came here. Let's get snacks! Can you buy me a meat bun in each flavor?”

Tsukishima fucking called it. 

The two idiots began walking away together towards the buns and he could faintly hear Kageyama grumbling about how Hinata never finishes all the ones he asks for while still taking out his wallet preparing to pay.

Yamaguchi released his hands from Tsukishima’s and took a not-so-subtle step to the side. Tsukishima turned his attention to the display of tic tacs and picked one up. Rubbing his thumb over the lid over and over again trying to regain a sense of clarity. Here we go again with the self-soothing.

“Thank you Tsukki. I didn’t like that you felt the need to insult our friend but I know it was to defend me so thank you.” Yamaguchi said while picking up a strawberry cream sandwich.

“You don’t have to thank me.” Tsukishima miraculously was able to get out without stuttering. Just let me hold you hand again.

Yamaguchi put his hand holding the dessert sandwich out toward Tsukishima. Without thinking, Tsukishima reached out to grab it.

“Strawberry is your favorite,” Yamaguchi said simply looking away at the drinks. Even with his head turned Tsukishima could see the dark red blush on his face, contrasting with his freckles much like the fruit he was holding in his hand.

They’re my favorite because they remind me of you, my love

Sweet and bright like the stars above

With seeds doting across like a constellation

They make anything they’re a part of beautiful with no hesitation  

Turning peanut butters salty, bitter taste

To something so completely graced 

I crave the version of me with you

And maybe one day, my dreams will come true 

But of course, Tsukishima could never bring himself to say that out loud. He'd allow the words to bloom with affection inside him until the petals sprouted from his mouth and landed on a blank notebook page before him like falling cherry blossoms in spring.

He knew he would never say it out loud, so instead, he picked up a bag of fry chips, tucked them into Yamaguchi’s hand, and wished in was his own that was encased in the brunette's grasp. But maybe this could be enough. Maybe having Yamaguchi hold other things Tsukishima could give him was enough. Maybe in this way, Yamaguchi was still holding a part of him.

“And fries are yours.”

He would write a poem about it later.

_________________________________

“AHHHHHHH!!!” The loud screeching from the tv could be heard resonating through Yamaguchi’s bedroom to the two boys laying in bed watching yet another cabin in the woods-style horror movie.

“I don’t know why you always pick these movies if you don’t even watch them while they’re playing,” Tsukishima said chuckling, eyeing the frightened boy beside him with his eyes tightly closed shut.

“Because you always bring the new ones over Tsukki. Why do you always bring the new ones over?”

Because I love how you cling to me when we watch them. Because you’re so cute when you bury your face in my shoulder. Because realizing that you naturally turn to me to keep you safe is the highlight of my week. Because I get to comfort you and pat your head and feel like I’m protecting you. Because you always take a shower before we watch the movie and you smell like jasmine and fresh laundry and it’s my favorite scent in the world. Because it honestly doesn’t even have to be a movie, I could just lay here curled up on your bed with you watching paint dry and I would love every second of it.

“Because they’re interesting.” He said instead.

Yamaguchi jumped at the chainsaw sound, tightening his hands around Tsukishima’s arm. “Tsukki if you think people getting diced like tomatoes is ‘interesting’ I might have to ask you to return your friend card,” Yamaguchi said while looking up at him, the tv light flickering in blue and teal hues across his freckled face.

Cute.

“Unfortunately for you, I made multiple copies and had it court certified.”

Yamaguchi smiled at him and reverted to a serious face. “Yes that does seem to pose a problem, perhaps I might need to take you to court for this.”

Tsukishima loved when they played around like this. It made him feel like they were making their own world together.

“You know my mother is a lawyer, don’t even try you’ll get eaten alive by the justice system.”

“Who says she’ll be representing you? I vividly remember her baking me M&M cookies and sending you to deliver them with detailed instructions not to eat any of them. It seems to me that you’ve been betrayed, my dear Tsukki.”

He liked the dear before his name embarrassingly too much. He moved his hand to fiddle with a particularly smiley penguin on Yamaguchi’s Christmas sheets. He stymied a rising smirk. It was March, only Yamaguchi would have Christmas sheets in March.

“Blood ties trump all forms of favoritism Yamaguchi, that’s the first thing they teach you in law school.”

Yamaguchi pulled down the blanket that had risen to cover Tsukishima’s feet. His heart swelled at the gesture.

“That’s the first thing they teach you? Not like…laws?”

“No laws have no correlation with being a lawyer.”

They both broke out in laughter, clutching at their stomachs and leaning into each other. Tsukishima was about to tuck a strand of hair behind Yamaguchi’s ear when another screech erupted from the screen accompanied by more chainsaw sounds. Resulting in Yamaguchi pulling away to cup his hands over his eyes.

Oh...that was right. He couldn’t do that. Friends don’t tuck other friend's hair behind their ears. No, that was a romantic gesture reserved for couples, and Yamaguchi and him were not a couple…they were friends. How could he have forgotten that? Sure Yamaguchi and him had often indulged in platonic physical affection but that’s all it was. Platonic. And that should have been enough, Yamaguchi was already so overwhelmingly kind and loving to Tsukishima. He had given Tsukishima so much and despite all the sacrifice Tsukishima repaid him by being greedy and wanting more. Wanting more than just movie night cuddling. Tsukishima wanted to hold Yamaguchi’s hand in his and show him off to the world. He wanted to kiss each one of Yamaguchi’s freckles and watch as Yamaguchi smiled and laughed. He wanted Yamaguchi to smile and introduce him to others as “his boyfriend” and hold his arm in public and call him baby and kiss his forehead and run his fingers through his hair when he got stressed. There was so much Tsukishima wanted, past, present, and future with Yamaguchi. So much he wanted and wouldn’t allow himself to ever have because the singular want he had that was stronger than any other was Yamaguchi’s comfort and happiness. And if it meant stifling all the other wants to protect it, Tsukishima would do it. Tsukishima would always protect Yamaguchi.

“The movie’s over Tsukki. I can’t believe you didn’t flinch at even one of the jump scares!”

Tsukishima moved to rise from the bed slowly, being careful not to jostle the pillow nest that Yamaguchi had strategically positioned around them.

“Well, what can I say? Demon lumberjacks aren’t one of my fears.” He said smiling while putting on his jacket and collecting his keys.

Yamaguchi propped himself on his elbow looking at Tsukishima’s movements with a sudden sullen calm.

“What are your fears Tsukki?” Tsukishima wanted to tell him the truth. He wanted to say “Socrates once said hell was other people. But did you know he was only half right wrong? Hell isn’t just other people, it’s losing other people. And the thought of losing you is more painful than any purgatory imaginable.”

“Spiders. You know that.”

An emotion Tsukishima couldn’t pinpoint flickered across Yamaguchi’s face. If they hadn’t been best friends for more than six years he’s sure he wouldn’t have even noticed.

“Right. Spiders…how silly of me to forget.”

He didn’t know what to say. Suddenly his jacket felt too heavy on his shoulders and the metallic coolness of his keys was burning his hands.

“No worries…I’ll see you tomorrow?” Tsukishima wasn’t sure why he asked. Of course, they would see each other tomorrow, they always walked to school together. But there was something about Yamaguchi’s eyes that had him feeling vulnerable, had him feeling hot and flushed in the once chilly air-conditioned room.

“Yep. Bye Tsukki.”

“Bye Tadashi.” He didn’t know why he used Yamaguchi’s first name. They never really used first names despite knowing each other for so long. But his mind was so jumbled that it slipped out. Like a white flag flowing from its perch on his heart. A desperate last call of mercy.

Tsukishima left before Yamaguchi could say anything back.

After walking back to his house Tsukishima was laying in bed reading Wuthering Heights. He was at the part where Heathcliff had thrown open the window begging for Catherine to haunt him just so he could get a glance at her. As a child, he always thought this part was silly when his mother read it to him. Why would he want a ghost to haunt him? Wouldn’t that just make his shitty situation more shitty? Wouldn’t he get scared? Or even worse, annoyed? But now he understood, related to Heathcliff even, because he would want to be any part of Yamaguchi’s life even if it meant being just friends forever. Even if it meant being tortured with his own want. Haunted by his feelings. He would go through it all if it meant being with Yamaguchi.

So he got up and scrawled today’s poem into his blue notebook. When he was done he walked it over to his bookshelf and hid it amongst the rest of his filled-out math notebooks.

_________________________________

Chapter Text

“Did you want the double cheese-covered corndog or the bacon covered?” The fair food truck cashier asked Tsukishima boredly.

“Isn’t there just a normal corndog?” He asked hesitantly watching as she blew a bubble with her gum eyes boring into him.

“No.”

Tsukishima signed and reached for his wallet in his back pocket. “One of each then.” He supposed Yamaguchi could choose which one he preferred and he would eat the other one.

After paying he moved to the side to wait by the window for their pipping hot heart disease trays. Leaning his back against the truck he looked over at Yamaguchi sitting patiently at the bright yellow umbrella bench. There was a cluster of nearby benches also inhabited with clusters of families or couples eating and chatting away. He noticed one, in particular, sharing a large milkshake under a red umbrella. They must be on a date. Anyone would think that right? Two people the same age coming to the fair together, sharing food/drinks, going on rides, playing rigged games, and enjoying each other's company. Any sane person would conclude the situation lied toward the romance end of the spectrum. Hell, Tsukishima was sure even a complete dunce like Hinata could connect the dots. It was a simple and easy answer, so why had he been recalculating it over and over again in his head for the past two days?

When Yamaguchi had called his name as they were eating lunch together at school Tsukishima had expected something along the lines of ‘can I have some of your chips?’ or ‘can I check my math homework with yours?’. Never in his wildest dreams did he expect Yamaguchi to gently set a pair of fair tickets on his lap and ask him if he wanted to go on Saturday. Tsukishima was too shocked to even come out with a reply. Instead glancing back and forth between Yamaguchi and the tickets with wide eyes. When he was able to manage to pull together a single brain cell he answered with a curt yes and their lunch continued normally from there, apart from the fair tickets burning a hole through his lap.

That had happened on Wednesday, so Tsukishima had a little over two days to fester in self-doubt and replay the conversation over and over again in his head scrutinizing every tiny detail. From the way Yamaguchi had placed the ticket on his lap to the way, Yamaguchi’s lips pursed as he waited for Tsukishima’s answer.

Tsukishima felt truly and completely fucked.

He was even desperate enough to text the cursed group chat Kuroo and Bokuto had made to ask them if fair tickets meant a date or just a friendly hang out. Bokuto was too busy asking about who it was to give a valid answer. But Kuroo had caught on immediately and said that even if it was, the other person wouldn’t feel like it was until Tsukishima asked. Rationally, Tsukishima knew Kuroo was spot-on, and he respected the captain enough to seriously consider his advice and how he would put it into action.

Yet here he was, five rides, two cotton candies, and an octopus prize into this fair ordeal and no question asked. He collected their food and began walking to the table.

“Oh wow! Is that a bacon-covered corn dog? I didn’t even know they made such a thing.”

Tsukishima immediately reached the hand holding it forward to pass to Yamaguchi.

“It’s yours here.”

Yamaguchi smiled at him brightly gently taking the treat.

“Thank you Tsukki! How much was it I’ll pay you back?”

“Don’t worry about it, you bought the tickets after all,” Tsukishima said while moving to sit down on the bench facing Yamaguchi.

They began eating in comfortable silence, the soft breeze wafting with kettle corn with the distant sounds of voices chatting happily. Tsukishima looked over at Yamaguchi who was delicately trying to push the end of the corn dog to the top of the stick for easier eating access. He lightly touched it with as much care as only Yamaguchi could give to a corn dog. Tsukishima wondered if there were little things about himself that Yamaguchi appreciated in this manner. Tsukishima had qualities of himself he liked, his height, his work ethic, his wit. But these things seemed oddly broad. He wondered if there was something about him that Yamaguchi loved for the pure fact that it was Tsukishima. He could think of a thousand for Yamaguchi, but for the first time, Tsukishima found himself entertaining the thought of the reciprocal. When he broke it down like this it didn’t seem so far-fetched. There would have to be one tiny quirk, statistically, it was most likely right? That even if Yamaguchi didn’t have the same level of feelings for it, he would have some feelings? This thought made Tsukishima shift in his seat and reach for a napkin. He began making random folds with considering this further. He wondered if the quirk Yamaguchi liked was something he did often, maybe if he performed different quirks he knew he had he could fish out Yamaguchi’s reaction and from there note which one had the highest response rate and take notice to perform that more often.

Dear god, he sounded like a sociopath.

Tsukishima looked up to find Yamaguchi standing to collect their garbage and walk them over to the trash for disposal. He turned back to Tsukishima smiling while moving closer to stand beside his sitting form.

“Are you ready to go? We still have some time for a couple more rides if you want,” he looked off into the distance in an act Tsukishima assumed was a mental calculation of what was around them. “There’s also a cute key chain booth I saw on the way walking here. We could relax there and look around for a bit if you want to get some distance from the crowds.” He finished looking over patiently for Tsukishima’s response.

Normally Tsukishima would feel overwhelmed by the high energy of a crowded area like this. Like any introvert, he was getting a little low in his social interaction energy bar. It was just like Yamaguchi to notice it before he did. He supposed that’s what made them a good team. Yamaguchi helping him get out of his shell and paying attention to his social anxiety needs. And Tsukishima catching any comments that others said that stung Yamaguchi. He would act as the buffer and protect or redirect depending on the situation.

“Yeah, that sounds nice. Thanks for noticing, I didn’t realize how long we’ve been in the crowd.”

Yamaguchi smiled wider. “Of course, my Tsukki radar is top-notch after all.”

The two boys began making their way back towards the stall.

“How much was this Tsukki radar in your possession? I might be willing to invest in a similar model.”

“Unfortunately, they sold out. They only have Yamaguchi radars in stock at the moment.”

“Perfect, that’s exactly the model that I’m in the market for.”

Yamaguchi laughed out loud, lightly leaning into Tsukishima’s shoulder. Tsukishima could feel his soft cotton sweater brush against his skin exposed from his t-shirt. His heart swelled. 

“It might be expensive though Tsukki,” he raised his hand to cover his mouth in a mock whisper and beckoned Tsukishima closer with the other. Tsukishima leaned in automatically holding back a smile at the cute gesture. “I hear they even charge for shipping.”

Tsukishima burst out laughing quickly followed by Yamaguchi. The two boys finally arriving at the stand while the sun began to set behind them. Tsukishima supposed he wasn’t able to work up the courage to follow Kuroo’s advice but he realized it didn’t matter. As he looked at Yamaguchi peering at the different phone straps, octopus prize tenderly tucked in his arm, he knew that no label mattered more than this moment. He would accept that this was just a normal day of two friends hanging out. Yamaguchi had given him no reason to think otherwise after all.

Just then Yamauchi turned to the store owner to buy something. Rushing in quick steps and clumsily getting out his wallet from his back pocket. Curious Tsukishima leaned to see what purchase caused such a fuss but was blocked by the stuffed octopus sitting politely on a counter. He was going to move closer to get a better look when Yamaguchi quickly turned around and grabbed Tsukishima’s hand to lead them outside. They walked out to the front of the store and Yamaguchi paused. The setting sun made Yamauchi glow gold in the warm light, his hair flickering as a soft auburn instead of its usual black color.

“This might seem dumb so you have to promise me you won’t laugh.”

“I won’t.”

Yamaguchi shifted his weight back and forth between his legs. Tsukishima was worried, maybe he had bought something for himself he thought others would tease him for? He should know better than to worry about that, Tsukishima would cut anyone off with a snide remark before they could even get the words out. Hadn’t he always done that for Yamaguchi? Was he doubting Tsukishima’s loyalty? Had Tsukishima done something to give him a reason to doubt? Feeling suddenly guilty Tsukishima went to reassure Yamaguchi as well as apologize for any past mistakes but was stopped by Yamaguchi pulling his hand and tucking something into his palm closing his fingers around in like a secret treasure.

Tsukishima stared at his own hand floored. Suddenly unsure if the hand truly belonged to him at all. Would it listen to his instructions? Would it open up? He pulled it closer and opened his fingers one by one revealing a phone strap of a cream brachiosaurs in a sitting position with its little arms wrapped around a large sparkly bubblegum pink heart.

He was at a loss for words.

“They had matching ones,” Yamauchi said voice slightly wavering. “Mine's a pink stegosaurus with a white heart.” Tsukishima didn’t even look up to check, too fixated on the suddenly precious gift in his palm.

“It’s just…I know you love dinosaurs and I thought it would be nice to have something to remember this day by. You know since it’s our first dat-day at the fair together.” He finished off with nervous laughter.

Tsukishima used his free hand to quickly dig out his phone from his back pocket and gently lace the strap into the hole pulling it secure and adding a double knot just in case. This 100 yen phone strap was now more valuable than his 50,000 yen phone.

“It’s perfect Yamaguchi, thank you…are you going to put yours on too?” He looked over in question to see Yamaguchi looking at him with just as much awe as he felt himself. They must look like two lunatics to any passerby’s right now but Tsukishima couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Yeah, could you put mine on too? And double tie it like yours please.”

Tsukishima performed the same steps he did with his own phone with even more delicacy and handed it back to Yamaguchi with a smile.

_________________________________

That night Tsukishima couldn’t eat dinner for an hour after he got home, unable to stop smiling wide. He looking at the strap the rest of the night, memorizing every aspect of the heart tucked into the dinosaur's arms. This had to mean something, even Tsukishima knew this had to mean something. He would ask about it later in the group chat. But for now, he sat at his desk, little strap sitting safely in his palm, and wrote his poem for the night.

You know I’m shy

But something changed when I met you

Everything changed when I met you

The clouds looked whiter 

The birds sang cheerier 

The stars looked brighter

And my hand felt heavier.

But for once I feel braver, like you.

And I will use this bravery for you.

Take my hand.

_________________________________

Chapter Text

To say Tsukishima was annoyed would be an understatement equivalent of calling the Iliad a “silly little adventure”. No, Tsukishima was much more than annoyed, so much in fact that he was currently weighing the pros and cons of offsetting Hinata’s stationary jumping with his foot just to end this high-strung-energy torture before him.

“This team sleepover party is gonna be so fun!!! There’s gonna be popcorn, and movies, and candy, and soda, and scary stories!!!!”

“Hinata half of the stuff you said was just food,” Kageyama replied behind his bouncing form, tapping his foot in annoyance. Tsukishima assumed it was from the lack of attention the high-energy boy was giving him. He smirked. The king truly was obsessed.

The four boys were currently in the convenience store after their late-night practice. Before it ended Daichi had gathered them all around to invite them to have a team sleepover Saturday night as a form of team bonding. He felt that they had worked hard in their practice matches with other schools last weekend and figured this would be a good reward, while still helping the team get stronger as a unit. Tsukishima disagreed with the validity of both of those reasonings. But the rest of the team seemed to be mildly interested in the idea, aside from Noya, Tanaka, and Hinata who probably had never felt anything mildly in their lives before. Tsukishima wanted to protest the idea but he turned to see Yamaguchi silently glowing in joy at the idea and he couldn’t allow himself to be the one to dim that light. So he raised his hands when Suga cheerily asked those who agreed with the idea to raise their hands. His long arm sticking up proudly beside Yamaguchi’s to many of the team members' surprise.

“What snack food should we get for tomorrow Tsukki?”

Tsukishima reached to get Yamaguchi’s favorite melon milk drink along with his green tea.

“Probably something sweet and something else salty to balance it out.”

“Fry chips and strawberry gummies then?”

Tsukishima nodded in reply waiting until Yamaguchi left to stealthily pick up a pack of mint breath mints and walk over to the counter to pay for it along with their drinks.

As the cashier scanned the items Tsukishima rationalized that it was indeed silly of him to feel the need to buy these in secret. But ever since the phone strap incident he found himself with an innate need to keep mints stocked up. He didn’t know when the perfect time would arise, and the right sign with it, but he wanted to be ready. And although he had no intentions of allowing this team sleepover party to fit any of those criterias, Tsukishima knew this would be a time of leaning in together for a movie. He would probably be able to throw his arm over Yamaguchi’s shoulder and have him rest his head on his chest in the comfort of the dark. And God only knew that Tsukishima would be the one to sleep next to Yamaguchi. They would be sharing space, and call it hyper cautious, but Tsukishima wanted to present himself in his most welcoming and enjoyable form. So yes, a Costco size haul of breath mints was a must to obtain that.

“That will be 700 yen.”

Tsukishima paid the man and moved outside to wait for Yamaguchi.

He put on his headphones choosing a song to listen to and popped a mint into his mouth and relished in the way the chilly night air gave his mouth an icy sting. His music began slowly playing and he tapped his foot along to the guitar track in the beginning as he thought through his homework for the weekend. He still had some math homework to do along with some English phrases to study. He supposed he could get the math done tonight and save the studying until Sunday afternoon when he got home from the sleepover so it was fresh in his mind before class Monday. Coming to a decision he closed his eyes and nodded to himself. 

“Ready Tsukki?”

Tsukishima opened his eyes to see Yamaguchi standing next to him, both hands holding the bag of treats they would share tomorrow.

“That was quick. Where’s dumb and dumber, don’t tell me one of them got their hand stuck in a gumball machine and the other is contemplating an amputation?”

Yamaguchi shook his head fondly, “No Tsukki, there is no mass hysteria going on. They just got caught up fighting over which flavor of Gatorade is better.”

“Did you add to their debate?”

“There was nothing to add, you and I both know that glacier freeze is elite.”

“As all intellectuals do.” Tsukishima quipped matter of factly.

“Precisely.”

Tsukishima kicked a pebble in his path, watching the way it rolled down the street flickering in and out of view from the street lamps.

“Want me to wait for you in front of your house at six?” He asked lightly, shoving his hands in his pockets to hide his nervous figit.

Yamaguchi hummed in thought. “Are your parents home tomorrow?”

Tsukishima looked over at Yamaguchi confused about how the two questions correlated.

“No my mom's at a lawyer seminar in Tokyo this weekend and my dad has a shift at the hospital tonight and won’t be back until Monday morning.”

Yamaguchi raised his hand to tug lightly at the bag strap on his shoulder. The warm street lamps gave his hair a slight golden trim and Tsukishima suddenly felt inclined toward prayer. 

“Then…how about you come over earlier?”, he paused before rushing out “ I mean because I know you avoid cooking when you’re home alone so you probably won’t have a good meal and I’m sure there won’t be anything to eat but junk at the sleepover and that always hurts your stomach so I can make you that fried rice you like or maybe some chicken curry or-“

“That would be lovely thank you.” Tsukishima said while turning to smile at Yamaguchi. His heart was so touched at the gesture. Maybe his prayer inclination had backing and he was actually in the presence of an angel. 

“Yeah I mean it’s no problem…fried rice?”

“Yes please, the one with the fried egg on top you make?”

“Yeah, I can make a fried egg on top.”

They reached Yamaguchi’s house stopping at the gate. Tsukishima began shifting his weight between his knees as he willed his brain to come up with something to say that wouldn't give away how completely in love he was with his best friend. 

“So I can come over at three? Or is that too early?”

“No three is great…three is perfect.”

“Alright cool three it is…goodnight?” Tsukishima had no idea why he asked that as a question. He moved his hand to adjust his glasses unsure what else to do.

“Yep, goodnight Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said before quickly opening his gate and going into his house.

_________________________________

The walk back home was quiet. The only sounds to accompany his steady footsteps were the sound of crickets and the occasional hum of a car passing by.

Once he made it inside he scrawled down a poem he thought of on their morning walk to school and went to take a bath. While sitting in the tub he contemplated what to bring to Yamaguchi’s as a thanks for cooking for him. He remembered that his mom would often bring flowers to formal job dinners they would go to for her coworkers but that seemed like too much. He wouldn’t just walk up to Yamaguchi’s doorstep, hands with a bouquet of roses. He might as well just write a confession letter and staple it to his forehead for Yamaguchi to read. No, flowers wouldn’t be right. Maybe a dessert would be better? Yamaguchi loved coffee cake, and there was a good bakery on the way to his house. Tsukishima could leave early and buy the cake on the way there. And that would seem normal to give, just a thank you dessert for cooking for him, nothing extra there

Tsukishima lowered himself in the tub feeling the water surface tickling his lips. Yes, that would be perfect.

_________________________________

As he walked down the sunny pavement cake box in hand Tsukishima couldn’t help but notice that the smell of the hydrangea bushes seemed extra sweet today. He wondered if the scent happened to be more potent today, or knowing he was close to being with Yamaguchi just complimented it to perfection. If he and Yamaguchi started dating he wondered if Yamaguchi would be happy to receive these flowers when Tsukishima picked him up for dates. He wondered what face Yamaguchi would make when he opened the door to Tsukishima holding them out for him. Maybe he would be rewarded with a kiss?

That sounds sweeter than the flowers.

As he arrived at the front door Tsukishima took a moment to pause. Reiterating to himself that the cake was perfectly normal, and double-checking that his shirt was clean and free of any stains or wrinkles. Satisfied with his examination he rang the doorbell and waited patiently only minorly fidgeting to his self-praise.

Yamaguchi opened the door in a flurry with a dazzling smile and a Gudetama apron. It was the one Tsukishima had bought him for his last birthday. The lazy egg still had the shell resting on his head with his usual sleepy expression. He remembered how excited Yamaguchi was when he opened the gift. Putting it to good use since he always wore it when cooking.

“Perfect timing! The food is almost ready, I just have to fry your egg.” He chirped while moving to the side to open the door wider for Tsukishima to enter.

While toeing off his shoes Tsukishima lifted the hand holding the cake box.

“You might want to put this in the fridge until after we eat then.”

Yamaguchi smiled wider opening his palms in wait for his delicious present.

“Thank you! What is it?”

“Usually people tend to ask what is it before thanking since I could have just brought you a single pinecone in a box. But your thanks is appreciated nonetheless.” He gently laid the cake box in his awaiting palm. “It’s a coffee cake.”

“Ohhhhh I love coffee cake thank you Tsukki!!”

Tsukishima smiled to himself. He was right, the cake was a perfect idea.

On his way to the fridge Yamaguchi hesitated for a second, turning around to quietly add, “And even if it was just a pine cone in a box, I would still love it Tsukki.”

Flabbergasted by the sudden heartfelt confession Tsukishima took a moment to clear his throat not trusting himself to give a respectable response. Yamaguchi gently put the cake in the fridge tapping the top of the box like a mother patting a child’s head in approval that made Tsukishima hold back a chuckle.

“You’re welcome. Though in actuality, I should be the one thanking you for cooking for me. Are your parents and grandparents eating with us?”

Yamaguchi had been living with his mother and grandparents his whole life. They were a very close-knit family. When they first met Tsukishima had assumed having so much undivided attention would turn a child into a brat, but that couldn’t be further from the truth for Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi was the one adoring his grandparents. Always taking the time to pick up hobbies with them like gardening with his grandfather or cooking with his grandmother. His mother was often working late so he had taken it upon himself from a young age to help her with housework. Over the years even Tsukishima had found himself involved in the daily lives of the Yamaguchi household. His awareness of fertilizer brands and the best way to fold fitted sheets even surprising his own parents and brother.

“Nope, my mom took them back to their hometown to visit with some of their friends they miss. They’ll be away for the weekend.”

Tsukishima wasn’t sure to celebrate or mourn at the news. On one hand, this meant that without the sleepover they could have spent the weekend to themselves. And on the other hand, they could have been alone together..all night. Just the thought made Tsukishima want to kick himself, they weren’t even dating, this was nothing to get worked up over. Perhaps the sleepover was a good omen after all.

“Go ahead and sit at the table while I finish up.”

Tsukishima shook himself out of his inner monologue and nodded moving to do as he was prompted. While sitting he watched the way Yamaguchi moved in the kitchen. In everyday situations, the freckled boy was often unsure and hesitant, but this was never the case in the kitchen. Here he was full of confidence and resolve, reached for ingredients without having to look, and pouring spices by eye. He followed the recipes his grandmother passed down to him and they were always amazing. Tsukishima loved watching Yamaguchi cook. Partly because of the smile he had when cooking but also because in moments like this, with just the two of them in the kitchen, Tsukishima could pretend that this was their shared house. And that each day was filled with domestic moments, shared chores, and sleepy mornings. Gentle gazes and offers of tea and cake. A perfect life. It was a childish fantasy Tsukishima has nurtured since their earliest years but precious nonetheless.

Yamaguchi turned around two plates in hand, setting them at the table with an elated nod of approval. Tsukishima waited for Yamaguchi to sit down and take the first bite before digging in himself.

“Is it good?” Yamaguchi asked reaching to take a sip of his glass of water.

“Yeah, it’s really good, thank you for cooking for me.”

Yamaguchi looked up from his meal and softly smiled.

“Thank you for the coffee cake. I think I’m gonna make coffee with it, I feel like I might be obligated by law to do so.”

Tsukishima nodded playing along. “Well in that case I’ll drink it too, can’t allow the government to get the upper hand on me.”

The boys ate the pastry and drank their coffee in comfortable silence. When they finished Tsukishima offered to do the dishes, gazing over at where Yamaguchi sat looking out the window into the garden. To be frank, Tsukishima enjoyed the atmosphere so much he cringed at the thought of walking over to Suga’s house for the team sleepover. He was sure it would be loud and high energy, but more than that he didn’t want to give up this piece of domesticity. It was a perfect escape and the thought of returning to normal teenage life seemed all the more disheartening.

_________________________________

“ I can’t believe it!” Hinata bellowed, caramel popcorn spilling on the carpet from the bowl balanced half-hazardly in his lap, “I mean seriously how could they just die at the end! Why didn’t anyone warn me about that movie?”

Well, this sleepover was already off to a thought-provoking and titillating start.

Yamaguchi reached forward to pick up the popcorn from Suga’s shaggy cream living room rug, “Hinata it’s Romeo and Juliet…I’m pretty sure the spoiler laws don’t apply to four hundred year-old plays.”

“Okay, Yamaguchi but just because it’s old doesn’t mean everyone knows the ending. I doubt there’s a single person our age that’s read the real play.”

Tsukishima did. He knew Yamaguchi knew that he did too because Tsukishima had spent countless nights whispering his favorite quotes under the covers of their movie nights, walks home basking in the setting sun, and moonlight drawn by clouds stargazing. Much like his poem dilemma, it began with a small sample, just innocently quoting along with a Hamlet movie. But that evolved and evolved beyond Tsukishima’s control. And it had nothing to do with the soft smiles Yamaguchi would always give him when he spouted out Shakespearean love declarations. His favorite was ironically a Romeo and Juliet quote which was also definitely not his favorite because it never ceased to make Yamaguchi blush. It was from that scene in the garden where Juliet is waiting on the nurse to give her news of Romeo and how they will run away together. She's gazing at flowers when the words spill out like summer rain, ‘Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night, and pay no mind to the garish sun.’

“Yeah, maybe Hinata.” Came Yamaguchi's voice, soft.

Tsukishima looked over to find Yamaguchi giving him a knowing look. He never questioned that Yamaguchi would out him, not just because of how kind of a person Yamaguchi was, but also because Tsukishima knew that this was their little thing. A secret they shared.

Just then Suga emerged from the kitchen and walked past the living room arms full of cans of soda that he shifted to one arm as he opened the backyard door to poke his head out

“Hey everyone! Let’s gather in the living room to watch the movie!”

Tsukishima could hear a distant reply from Daichi and the others from where they were outside setting up a fire for tonight's marshmallow roasting. Slowly people began piling in and filling the space in the small couches like a human Tetris game.

“Everyone good? I’m gonna turn off the lights.”

Tsukishima scooted closer to Yamaguchi as the room dimmed, allowed his arm to gently press against Yamaguchi. He felt Yamaguchi reach across from him to grab a folded blanket on the coffee table and splay it across their spread-out legs as they leaned against the wall behind them. Tsukishima quietly thanked him, twisting his finger around a cluster of fur from the stay carpet.

The tv illuminated and the words “The Notebook” could be seen scrawled in artistic cursive. Tsukishima smirked, this undoubtedly had to be Suga’s choice.

Tanaka’s loud voice broke the silence with a heavy dramatized sigh, “Awww man Suga why did you have to pick a rom-com?? Can’t we watch Fast and Furious or something?????”

“Friends who cry together stay together Tanaka.”

More sighs erupted this time joined by Nishinoya from where he was curled up on the couch next to Asahi.

“Guys enough,” Daichi said in his captain voice leaving no room for disagreement, “Suga was gracious enough to host the team sleepover at his house so it’s only fair he picks the movie. Just consider it a team-building exercise and enjoy the movie.”

Tsukishima was sure that the sleepover could have been at anyone’s house and their captain would have still let Suga pick the movie. Yamaguchi turned to look at him, face bathed in blue light, and gave a knowing smile, he must have been thinking the same thing.

They watched the movie giving offhanded comments here and there. Tanaka and Noya taking turns to yell at the screen when it was revealed that her mother had been hiding the letters.

“OHHHHH THAT BITCH!” They could hear their captain say at the scene in a comically offended voice. Suga giggling next to him from his outburst.

The movie continued like that and as it ended, the couple peacefully dying in each other’s arms the light snapped on. Noya and Tanaka were wiping away tears in haste.

“And you said you didn’t want to watch the movie.” Suga’s knowing voice said holding back a fond smile.

Tsukishima felt Yamaguchi pat his hand and looked to see him pointing to the other side of him where Hinata was patting Kageyama’s back with an adoring smile and Kageyama shook his head in disbelief whispering something along the lines of “they just loved each other so much” to which Hinata nodded along to, coughing to hide any giggles that rose up.

Tsukishima turned back to Yamaguchi “since the King’s brain is evidently broken now maybe I should start taking it upon myself to call him the Mad King instead.”

“Careful Tsukki, your Game of Thrones fanboy side is showing.”

“Yamaguchi, you and I both know that there is no possible world or dimension where either of them gets that reference. I’m more prepared to see the sun explode.”

Yamaguchi laughed behind his hands leaning against Tsukishima’s shoulder in the act. He could smell the jasmine in his hair and it took everything in him not to lean down and rest his face against Yamaguchi’s head.

As the credits rolled the team migrated outside to roast marshmallows. Daichi used a lighter to light the pre-prepped logs from before as Suga handed out sticks and bags of s'more supplies. Tsukishima roasted a marshmallow on autopilot and began assembling a s'more for Yamaguchi with extra chocolate just the way he liked it. He wordlessly handed it to him and moved to get another two from the bag to roast for himself. Yamaguchi took it with a thanks and began munching away.

From across the fire, he could see Kageyama making knowing eye contact with him, having had seen the gesture. Tsukishima gave him a leveled glare, daring him to make a comment to which Kageyama put his hands up in mock surrender and went back to reprimanding Hinata for setting yet another marshmallow on fire.

Tsukishima assembled his own s'more leaving out the chocolate.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked beside him.

He turned to look at the boy beside him, “Do you want me to make you another one? Here hold this for me.”

“No it's okay I’m good thank you. I was just wondering why you always leave out the chocolate on your s'mores? You eat chocolate in other desserts.”

Tsukishima looked down at his own s'more shifting it from one hand to the other.

“It takes away from the sweetness of the marshmallow, overpowering it I guess.”

Yamaguchi looked towards the fire with a sparkle in his eye, “That makes sense, you really do love sweetness don’t you Tsukki?”

In more ways than you know Yamaguchi, he wanted to say. Everyone in Tsukushima’s life knew he had a fondness for sweets. His brother had often brought desserts with him on his visits home from college. His mother often teased him about it when making a batch of cookies. His teammates knew from the sweet granola bars and strawberry gummies he would keep in his bag to eat during practice breaks or bus rides. It was just a known thing about Tsukishima. He liked sweets. But what wasn’t so well known is that his craving for sweets went beyond the taste. He had an affinity for sweet actions as well. The way Yamaguchi would always make sure his feet were covered by the blankets, how he never failed to bring over homemade soup when Tsukishima got sick, when Yamaguchi would ask him about what new songs he was enjoying at the moment and give him his full attention as Tsukishima talked in length about certain lyrics he thought were especially good or the certain way the piano sounded. Everything about Yamaguchi screamed sweetness.

“I suppose like attracts like.” He jokingly replied, knowing full well that it was more close to dislike than like.

“That’s true, though I doubt your sweetness comes from eating sweets.”

Tsukishima was shocked at this, too scared to pry his eyes off the fire and onto Yamaguchi’s to see if he was joking or not. He had never considered himself to be sweet.

“I believe you’ve mistaken sweetness for saltiness Yams.” His face suddenly felt warm, and not just from the fire they were sitting in front of.

“No, I know exactly what I’m saying. You do know you’re sweet Tsukki? All joking aside?”

Tsukishima wasn’t sure how to reply to that question. A part of him just wanted to lie and say yes just so this conversation could end. But he knew Yamaguchi knew him too well to allow him to change the subject like that. He supposed his only option was to reply with silence, saying ‘no’ was in no way an option here. That would be much too embarrassing.

He toyed with the grass they were sitting on, waiting for Yamaguchi to take the hint.

“Oh Tsukki,” his voice held softness he only ever used when Tsukishima allowed himself to be vulnerable with him, “I could name all the ways you’re sweet but we would be here all night, so I’ll just name a few.”

Tsukishima accidentally tugged too hard at a strain of grass pulling it free from the ground.

“Where do I even start?” Yamaguchi asked resting his hand on top of Tsukishima, “You always give me your jacket when it’s cold outside when we're walking home from practice without me even having to ask, very sweet. You take the time to help me with homework and you’re always super patient and never make me feel like I’m wasting your time. Which I’m sure Hinata and Kageyama are overwhelmingly jealous of since they always beg you for help and you always say no,” He laughed quietly, “The way you offer to call me at night when I’m feeling anxious that day to talk to me about random animal documentaries until I fall asleep, or how you know my favorite foods, or how you make me playlists of songs you think I’ll like, or how you always walk facing the outside of the road so the cars don’t pass by me. There’s so many Tsukki, how could you not know how sweet you are.”

Tsukishima was at a loss for words, his heart felt so full. So the words he would normally keep to himself overflowed into the night air in a breathy whisper like a small glittering cluster of stars.

“Because it’s for you, I don’t have to think when it’s for you.”

He turned to look at Yamaguchi, suddenly feeling drunk with his adoration for the boy. Courage seeped into his veins with every heartbeat.

Yamaguchi looked at him with wide eyes, mouth slightly open as the lights of the fire flickered across his face. And Tsukishima knew he would never be able to think of campfires the same way.

“Tsukki I-“

“Alright, everyone! It’s getting late let's get ready for bed.” Their captain called out to get the attention of the varying groups across the backyard.

“Remember your assigned rooms. Suga and I will be in his room. Asahi, Noya and Tanaka will take the guest bedroom. Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita will be in Suga’s sister’s room. And the first years can take the living room. Sound good to everyone?”

A chorus of ‘yeahs’ could be heard as everyone got up from the grass and moved to go back inside the house and get ready for bed. And as Daichi put out the fire, the flames left taking Tsukishima’s courage with it.

“I guess we should get ready for bed then, I'll grab the couch for us before those dumbasses try to claim it for themselves.” He said moving a little too quickly to get inside.

_________________________________

As Tsukishima brushed his teeth he fought against the allure of banging his head against the sink to out himself out of his misery. He couldn’t believe the words that had come out of his mouth. That was not part of the plan. I mean yeah he would eventually confess but it would be carefully thought out and for sure not in front of the entire volleyball team. How could he have allowed himself to get so weak? He blamed Yamaguchi’s freckles.

As he left the bathroom he packed up his toiletries and moved to sit on the couch next to Yamaguchi.

“I could sleep on the floor if you want the couch to yourself, I don’t mind.” He asked softly not wanting the two brain cells on the carpet to hear their conversation.

“Don’t be silly Tsukki, after all the sleepovers we’ve had together?”

“I just want you to have the choice.”

Yamaguchi lightly leaned pushed their shoulders together, “Thank you, but I would prefer to sleep with my personal heater.”

“Hey, Yamaguchi!” Hinta yelled from the other side of the room, “If Stingyshima is colonizing the couch for himself you can come share a pillow and blanket here with me and Kageyama”

Yamaguchi smiled to himself knowing full well how much ironic Hinata’s question was after Tsukishima just offered him the couch to himself, “Thank you Hinata but we’re all good.”

Hinata shrugged and moved to help Kageyama who was setting up their pillows and blankets.

“Hey, King! On behalf of your loyal subjects kindly refrain from jumping the short stack alright? Yamaguchi and I could do without the trauma.”

Kageyama turned to him red-faced with anger or embarrassment could be anyone’s guess, making Tsukishima smirk.

“Fuck you Tsukishima. Yamaguchi do humanity a favor and kick him off the couch a couple of times throughout the night.”

Yamaguchi laughed beside him pulling Tsukishima to lay down before he could protest. Hinata moved to turn off the lights and they laid down in silence. In the cover of darkness, Yamaguchi moved to his usual sleeping position with Tsukishima, laying his head on his shoulder and bringing up his arm to rest across Tsukishima’s heart. Ever so slowly and carefully Tsukishima raised a hand to rest against Yamaguchi’s head lifting it occasionally for gentle pats. This position had begun as a comfort for Yamaguchi on thunderstorm nights but over the years had evolved to their normal sleeping position. Tsukishima was sure he wouldn’t get any sleep that night.

Turns out he was wrong.

Tsukishima woke up to Suga taking pictures of a sleeping pair of idiots on the floor. Kageyama was wrapped along Hinata’s back arms holding the orange-haired runt to him. Suga turned to see Tsukishima now awake.

“Don’t worry I took pictures if you guys too, for memory purposes. You guys are my adopted children now, you know this.”

Tsukishima couldn’t really argue with the vice-captain no matter how crazy or annoying his actions were. Instead, he moved a hand to pull up the covers on Yamaguchi and stare at the ceiling contemplating his next words carefully.

“Could you send it to me?”

_________________________________

And at night as I hear your voice

I fall asleep to its sweet tune 

While my beating heart works tirelessly each day

I only notice it's rhythm when I'm with you 

And as the darkness decorates our skin like scars 

I hold you in my arms and wonder

If this is how the moon feels each night surrounded by stars

Tsukishima’s poem book read, right next to a certain sleepover picture.

_________________________________

Chapter Text

Hinata knew that he wasn’t the most perceptive person in the world. He would often get too carried away in his excitement to recognize how others were feeling. Taking longer than most to read the room or notice when people were trying to hide being upset. And he was especially bad at taking hints. But despite all this, there was one thing Hinata was confident in trusting his intuition in.

Tsukishima was in love with Yamaguchi and Yamaguchi was in love with Tsukishima.

Hinata came to this conclusion through a series of both observations and conversations. The conversations mainly being with Yamaguchi because although he would never admit it Hinata was somewhat afraid of Tsukishima. It began with little things, things that could be taken multiple ways, like the way Tsukishima would always soften his voice when talking to Yamaguchi, the way Yamaguchi always followed Tsukishima and stayed by his side, the way Tsukishima would wait outside the gym with his headphones on the days Yamaguchi had float serving training, the way Yamaguchi would always buy little sweets for Tsukishima when they went to the convenience store after practice. The list went on and on. But Hinata had first chalked this up to be nothing more than normal best friend things. After all, Kageyama and him were best friends and Kageyama was always buying Hinata meat buns and stuff. It was normal. But then the little actions stopped seeming so little.

Hinata began noticing the way Tsukishima would always lean into Yamaguchi when they walked or sat together. It was really small, Hinata doubted he would have noticed if he didn’t have to see them at morning and night practice every day. But with that one small gesture the feelings behind all of their gestures began to come to light with it. He almost felt silly to not have noticed something so apparent beforehand. It felt obvious, so obvious in fact that when they happened HInata often found himself looking around at the reaction of his teammates hoping that surely someone else had caught on as well, and he was not in fact losing his mind in the most actionless and uncool way possible .

Hinata’s breaking point was seeing way that Yamaguchi blushed when Tsukishima would buy him stuff or offer him one of his headphones to listen to music with. After that he figured that it wouldn’t hurt to nudge a question here or there. He wouldn’t outright ask if they were dating, he wasn’t that socially incompetent, a carefully crafted stealthy question would do the trick. Ergo the conversation he was currently having with Yamaguchi.

“So that Tsukishima sure is scary huh? Aren’t you ever afraid of him Yamaguchi?” Hinata had oh so subtlety asked the freckled boy sitting next to him during their practice warm-up stretches.

Yamaguchi smiled while stretching out both legs and reaching for his toes.

“No, not really, if you knew him... like really knew him, you’d realize he’s actually the warmest softest person you’ll ever meet.”

Hinata scoffed, switching to a butterfly stretch position, “And by warm and soft do you mean it in a ‘bwaaaa he’s setting me on fire and melting me into human meat goo’ kinda way?”

“No Hinata,” Yamaguchi replied looking off at something with a small smile, Hinata turned his head to see what the boy was staring at which such an adoring look in his eye and saw Tsukishima sitting on a bench across the court as he fixed up the tape on his hands. “I mean it in a ‘safe and cozy I can trust you with my thoughts and feelings’ kind of way,” Yamaguchi added while keeping his eyes locked on the blonde before him.

That’s when Hinata started to get a growing suspicion that made his worry for his freckled friend. But knowing how blundering he could be, he never voiced it to anyone and kept it to himself.

That was until one night.

The team had won an especially hard game by a very close call. Everyone was dead tired and more than ready to go to sleep early since they would have to wake up at 6 a.m. the next morning to ride the bus back home. Hinata awoke to a pitch black room of sleeping teenage boys and began making his way to the bathroom to pee. Accidentally stepping on Kageyama’s foot in the process and being met with a sleepy “ow dumbass” before finally leaving.

After relieving himself, Hinata began to make his way back toward the room when he heard hushed whispers and sniffling. Recognizing the voice to be Yamaguchi’s he quickly made his way to the sound hoping to comfort his teammate and dear friend but stopped dead in his tracks behind the corner when he heard Tsukishima’s hushed voice.

“No no, it’s okay please don’t cry Tadashi you’re being too hard on yourself.”

Hinata had never heard the middle blocker use such an endearing and loving tone before. To be quite honest, he didn’t think the normally stoic blond had it in him.

Yamaguchi’s heartbroken sobs could be heard echoing throughout the hallway, “B-but I could have lost the g-game for us! None of my float serves w-worked!” He stuttered out between sniffles.

“You know that’s not true, you’re so talented and you’ve helped us win so many games before. It’s only natural that you have an off day here and there. And no one thinks any less of you for it. Do you think less of me when I miss blocks?”

“No never!” Yamaguchi confidently shouted out. Hinata could hear Tsukishima laughing lightly.

“See. So no one could ever think that of you. You’re so sweet and kind, you always compliment everyone on the team and everyone can see how hard you work on your serving practices, and they all respect you for it. It’s easy to be a good player Tadashi, but you’re a good player and a good person.”

“You truly think so Tsukki?”

“I do.”

Hinata poked his head around the corner to see Tsukishima leaning against the wall as Yamaguchi hugged him from the front burying his head in his shoulder. The taller boy softly patting his head as he sniffled occasionally.

“Maybe tomorrow we can go to my house and we can have a movie night if you want. That one American movie you love so much, The Princess Bride right? That one always makes you laugh. And on the way there we can pick up some snacks, fry chips, and melon milk tea. I can even make you that spicy ramen you really like for dinner since my parents will be working late. How does that sound?”

Yamaguchi nodded into his shoulder. His voice came out muffled from the fabric.

“Yeah, that sounds really nice. Thank you Tsukki, you always know what to say.”

“What can I say, my Yamaguchi radar is top-notch, the shipping fee was worth it.”

Both the boys broke out laughing at what Hinata could only assume was an inside joke between the two of them. Satisfied that his friend was doing better and being taken care of Hinata made his way back to the bedroom with a lot more on his mind than when he left.

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi definitely had feelings for each other. And Yamaguchi had definitely realized his if his answer to Hinata’s stealthy question said anything. Now the question was if Tsukishima had realized it or not. He supposed he would ask Kageyama about it tomorrow, they had plans for him to sleepover at his house anyway.

_________________________________

It was the day after his late-night adventure and Hinata had just finished retelling the story to Kageyama.

“I mean honestly Yama, you should have seen Tsukishima’s face it was so soft and adoring I thought the world was ending. Or even worse, Tsukishima had been exorcized and the demon possessing his body was finally released.”

Kageyama was listening to him from the other side of the room where he folded up their old clothes since they both changed into their pajamas. Or at least Kageyama had and Hinata was wearing Kageyama’s shirt as pajamas.

“How would him being exorcized be worse than the world ending?”

“Becauseeeeeee,” he drawled out noticing how carefully Kageyama packed his clothes into his backpack, he smiled to himself at the gesture, “then the evil demon that possessed him could be transferred to someone else. Imagine if it went into you! It would make you even crankier than you already are, I don’t know if we could still be best friends if that happened.”

“No way! I’m not that cranky!”

“Yeah way! You for sure are. Remember that time Suga asked you if you were okay beca-“

“Alright alright!” Kageyama rushed out cutting off the embarrassing story. He walked towards the bed lifting up the blankets to scoot next to Hinata.

“Why are you so invested in whether or not they’re dating anyway though? I don’t really get it.” The raven-haired boy asked leaning to turn off the bedside lamp before settling back down. Ever since the team sleepover, Hinata and Kageyama had got accustomed to their new sleeping position. Every night Hinata would find himself turning to the side while Kageyama wrapped himself around him from behind, arms holding him close. When they first started having sleepovers it was a position in which they embarrassingly found themselves waking up in, but after so many nights together they didn’t even bother to hide it. Holding each other just felt comforting and was easier to sleep in anyways. Hinata supposed it wasn’t any different from the way he cuddled with Natsu sometimes. That’s at least what he told himself to not have to confront the very scary feelings he was coming to terms with for the setter.

“I don’t know,” Hinata wondered out loud softly, “I guess I just want Yamaguchi to be happy. At first, I didn’t like it since I thought it was just one-sided and Tsukishima was just going to hurt him, but after seeing the way Tsukishima comforted him…I don’t know I guess I kinda get what Yamaguchi meant when he said Tsukishima was really warm and soft.”

Kageyama hummed in response. Hinata could feel it tremoring across his back like a purr.

“That’s nice of you, caring about Yamaguchi like that. You’re a good friend Hinata.”

“And you’re the best, best friend Yama.”

“Dummy.”

“Dummier.”

And with that, the two boys fell asleep smiling.

_________________________________

It had been a week since the hallway incident and Hinata’s question was still left unanswered. He had wanted to talk to Yamaguchi about it but figured that the fact that he had witnessed such an intimate scene was better left unsaid.

The team was currently taking advantage of the sunny weather by having their drills outside. After many hill sprints and burpees, the team had finally gathered back inside to take a break and hydrate before starting some practice matches.

Currently, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were in their usual corner talking unaware that they being analyzed by a certain suspicious spiker.

“Seeeeee,” Hinata said lightly elbow tapping the setter next to him, “look at them.”

Kageyama had stopped drinking water and reached up to wipe at his chin. “Yeah and? They’re just sitting and talking.”

“You’re not getting it! They’re probably having a lovey dove conversation right now or something.”

“You can’t just assume that. They could just be having a normal conversation…or as normal a conversation with a freak like Tsukishima could get.”

Kageyama began lifting up the hem on his shirt to fan air into it. The bottom sliding up occasionally to reveal his stomach, Hinata promptly looked away cheeks feeling warm.

He tried to stay on topic and continue the conversation to distract himself.

“Okay yeah, but even then it’s the little things you have to look out for,” he studied the two boys waiting for something to go off of, “That! Look did you see that Tsukishima leaned into Yamaguchi just now? And he never does that with anyone else he always avoids any physical touch but every time he’s with Yamaguchi he brushes up against him like that.”

“I mean I guess but that just seems like a coincidence Hinata.”

“Does Tsukishima seem like a coincidence-type guy though?”

Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows and squinted in that endearing way that always made Hinata smile to himself.

“Yeah, I guess you got me there.” He admitted softly relaxing his face.

Just then Hinata’s stomach growled loudly causing Kageyama to laugh out loud at the sudden sound.

“There’s some granola bars in my bag over by the bench, you can grab one for yourself.”

Hinata hopped up from his sitting position shifting his weight from one foot to another as he watched Yamaguchi slowly get up and walk outside towards the bathroom.

“Did you want me to get you more water while I’m over there? I have an extra bottle in my bag.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Hinata nodded walking over to the bench to get his treats. Kageyama had packed the white macadamia ones that Hinata loved. He smiled at the gesture knowing full well that Kageyama despised white macadamia and he must have bought and packed them just for him. He then made his way over to his bag placed on the bench behind where Tsukishima was sitting to get the water when Hinata noticed the blond typing away on his phone in front of him. Too curious for his own good, he leaned over to see what he was typing catching some words organized in a song lyric format on his phone notes.

Honey skinned boy
Allow me to kiss across your freckles
You ask me what my favorite color is and I am speechless
Emerald green for your eyes?
Mahogany for your hair?
Glimmering gold for your skin?
Soft peach for your lips?
I could paint a masterpiece with all the hues of you

Holy shit. Hinata couldn’t believe his eyes. He quickly turned around and began walking in the opposite direction towards Kageyama in shock.

‘Well at least that answered my question’ he thought to himself.

He finally made his way back to where the boy was sitting plopping down to the floor and grabbing him by the arm to lean in next to him.

“H-hey what are you doing?” The raven-haired boy said face turning a cute shade of pink that Hinata had no time to marvel at because HOLY SHIT.

“You’ll never believe what I’m about to say right now. I leaned over to see what Tsukishima was typing on his phone and I swear on my fucking life and yours it said,” he leaned in cupping his hand around while whispering what he read verbatim.

Kageyama blinked staring wide-eyed into the distance.

“You’re joking.”

“I’m not”

“You’re not joking.”

“I’m not joking”

“Holy shit.”

_________________________________

Chapter Text

The pine floorboards of the court seemed pearlescent under the setting sun.

This was what Tsukishima was thinking about while sitting flat on his butt on the court, hand gently clutched against his chest.

“Oh my god!!!! Kageyama you broke Tsukishima!!!!!” Hinata's shrill voice bellowed to his right.

Leave it to Hinata to unknowingly add to Tsukishima’s growing embarrassment. It was just a normal practice match, he taped his fingers well for it. He had done everything correctly, watched for the freak duo’s quick attack like usual. He was ready to block against Hinata, he knew exactly what to expect and prepared himself accordingly for the one-thousandth block from the midget. They usually weren’t too powerful due to his short stature so Tsukishima could focus on blocking accuracy rather than prep his hands and wrists to be stone walls.

What he was not expecting was for was Kageyama to not set but spike from the side straight into his left wrist from two inches away, smacking himself in the face.

He felt a sting roll down his wrist and focused his attention back on the warm glow of the wood floors. He wondered when they last got swept. His clothes must be dusty now. Tsukishima hated dusty clothes.

“Tsukki let me see your wrist.” Yamaguchi’s smooth voice said while gently pulling Tsukishima’s hand away from his chest and into his own hands for inspection.

“It doesn’t hurt Yamaguchi, if anything sitting on this cold hardwood is more bothersome.” It was a lie, it did hurt. But he at least had the sound mind to not display such vulnerability to a room of twenty. If it was just Yamaguchi and him this would be a different story.

“Tsukishima that can’t be possible, you took that hit from inches away at a terrible angle, I’m honestly surprised you were able to catch yourself and didn’t fall back on your head.” The team captain said lightly while Kiyoko moved past him to sit by Yamaguchi and offer an ice pack.

Tsukishima signed leaning his body weight back on his uninjured hand as Yamaguchi gently pressed the ice to his hand, “Well what can I say, I have impeccable balance,” he quipped sarcastically in his usual bored tone.

He looked down at his hand and saw the edges were blooming with purple bruises already. The swelling making his joints feel stiff and foreign. He supposed his poem of the day would have to wait before being transcribed from his phone to paper.

“Maybe you should go home and rest kid.” Coach Ukai suggested from behind Yamaguchi where he was observing the injury, “That looked like a bad hit. Since it’s Friday take the weekend off too, you can skip our usual weekend conditioning. Yamaguchi, you can leave too since he’ll probably need help changing and getting home.”

Yamaguchi slowly got up holding Tsukishima’s iced hand with him. He reached out his unoccupied hand to help Tsukishima stand up, for which he gratefully took to get up himself since he couldn’t use his left hand anymore.

He looked over to see Kageyama sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck behind Hinata. He signed out loud. Yamaguchi must be rubbing off on him.

“It’s fine King, consider this an IOU and buy me three packs of strawberry gummies the next time we see each other.”

“Tsukkiiiii.” Yamaguchi lightly chastised.

He smirked to himself.

“Fine three bags of strawberry gummies and a bag of fry chips.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it! Kageyama, don’t worry about the snacks, it was an accident.”

As the two boys made their way out of the gym varied choruses of “get better soon” or “rest up” ’s were heard echoing behind them.

_________________________________

After an awkward change of clothes that left Tsukishima using his uninjured hand to obsessively fidget with a strawberry chapstick in his jacket pocket, the two boys had begun making their way back to Tsukishima’s house.

The sun peaked through the leaves of the grand maple trees lining their path and leaving circles of light that danced across both of their forms. The longer they walked the more the wind picked up making the balls of light all the more energetic. Tsukishima marveled at the way they seemed to gather around Yamaguchi’s head like a crown of celestial light.

He loved it.

Lately, Tsukishima has caught himself loving a lot of things about Yamaguchi. It reminded him of that Elizabeth Browning poem his mom used to be obsessed with, forcing his brother and him read as kids to develop ‘literary comprehension' as she called it, in case either of them decided to follow her footsteps and go to law school. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways Tsukishima knew he could actually count the ways. He could sit down and make list after list after list of all the ways he loved Yamaguchi. And his list would turn into a great poem, so long that no reader on earth could question how great his feelings for the boy are. He thought of that one line he used to be enamored with as a kid, what was it again? "I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach when feeling out of sight." He had the height and depth part down that was for sure, but he wondered about the breadth part. That would mean he would actually have to speak out the words he thought into existence. Into existence for Yamaguchi to hear. He wondered if Browning had written that word just to call him out on his cowardly affections two-hundred years later from the grave.

He popped open the cap of the chapstick in his pocket and resealed it.

In his usual grandiose arrogance, he questioned if Browning’s affections which fueled her to write said poem were for someone as precious as Yamaguchi. Surely that couldn’t be possible. Therefore, who could blame Tsukishima for staying silent about his feelings for so long? If Browning had fallen for someone half as bewitching as Yamaguchi she would have undoubtedly omitted the ‘breadth’ and have only had the ‘ depth and height’. It was only rational to conclude this much. And Tsukishima was nothing if not rational.

He lifted his eyes from their feet, which he had been watching move synchronously, and back up to the sweet boy walking beside him. Yamaguchi had raised his face to bathe in the warm sunlight.

Right. There was no way she wrote the poem for someone as precious as Yamaguchi. This was now a fact.

He wondered if she too had laid awake at night thinking of the way they smiled at her that day. Pondering if they were sleeping soundly right now. If they were thinking of her right now the way she was thinking of them. If they would pop up in her mind while she was doing random things, and she would be forced to set down what she was doing just to remember the exact shade of green their eyes were when the moonlight caught them just right.

“Are your parents home?”

He turned to look towards the unexpected voice next to him somewhat startled and scared that his body would somehow betray his thoughts in some way.

“My dad is on-call at the hospital, and my mom is probably going to pull an all-nighter at the firm. Her trial is coming up soon.”

“You’re home alone again?”

Tsukishima couldn’t care less about being home alone. Growing up his parents had always been busy with their careers, so from an early age he learned to appreciate his own company. Yamaguchi on the other hand always seemed to sadden at the thought of Tsukishima spending so many days in solitude.

Yamaguchi sucked in a cheek and looked at the distance with a new determination.

“I’ll stay to make dinner for you then.” He said matter of factly, “You shouldn’t be moving your wrist too much.”

The boys stopped walking having made it to the blond’s house. They made their way inside, Yamaguchi taking it upon himself to unlock and open the door which made Tsukishima smile to himself. He could have just used his other hand but he stayed quiet, enjoying the attention he was being given.

They toed off their shoes and closed the door with a solid clink.

“Kei???? You home????”

Fuck. He knew exactly who that voice belonged took.

A blond head with a wide smile peaked behind the corner and smiled wider having made eye contact with them.

“Akiteru!” Yamaguchi greeted kindly.

"Yamaguchi! Good to see you, I hope you’ve been keeping my brother good company,” His brother turned his attention to him and his smile fell, “Wait, what happened to your wrist? Is that ice?”

“Tsukki hurt his wrist from a bad spike block. His wrist is swollen so I wrapped ice around it, but the bruising has stayed the same. He’s not supposed to be using it for the weekend.” Yamaguchi said the last part eyeing him.

“Ah, I see. Looks like he’s been taken good care of, thank you Yamaguchi.”

“Alright, if the two of you are done talking about me like I’m not here I’m going to go inside my own house now."

He could hear his brother chuckling behind him and a poorly whispered “still as jealous as always I see” to which Tsukishima promptly ignored. He was not jealous.

He used his good hand to retrieve a glass and filled it with water from the fridge, setting it down on the kitchen counter for Yamaguchi before getting another glass and repeating the steps. He watched as his brother smiled at Yamaguchi, the two of them having a hushed conversation as they entered the kitchen. Tsukishima downed his glass trying to drown the feelings bubbling up inside of him.

“It’s always a pleasure to see you Yamaguchi. I’m sure you’re the only person in the world who could have gotten Kei invested in the proper method of folding fitted sheets.” His brother said jokingly, taking a seat at one of the kitchen counter stools.

“It’s really nothing, Tsukki helps out in the garden so much, my grandfather is truly grateful for him.”

“Kei gardening? I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Tsukishima huffed out a breath wanting this irritating small talk at his expense to end.

“So are you visiting for the weekend? Mom and Dad won’t be home tonight, you should have called beforehand.”

His brother smiled at him, unaffected by his clipped tone.

“Mom and I have lunch plans tomorrow, I just decided to come tonight so I wouldn’t have to wake up early to drive here.”

“Well, Yamaguchi and I are just going to watch a movie in my room then. Let’s just order a pizza or something.”

Tsukishima finished keeping his eyes on the sink before him. He leaned against the cabinets and rested his good hand behind his lower back to fiddle with a drawer handle out of view. It wasn’t that Tsukishima disliked his brother. He might have been disappointed in him at one point in time but Tsukishima had long since gotten over the volleyball lie incident. No, he didn’t dislike his brother at all he was just… envious of him. His brother has always been gifted with an inviting disposition and overwhelming friendliness. He was the type of person that people could always feel comfortable around and Tsukishima had grown up getting his brother’s past teachers who would gush about his sympathetic ways.

When he was younger he didn’t give it a second thought, but that quickly changed when he realized his feelings for Yamaguchi. He began to notice his offputting attitude and overall lack of warmth and it was worrying to him. It was not uncommon for him to spend nights laying in bed fretting over little things he said and did in daily conversations. Perhaps he was too dismissive when Yamaguchi asked that one question? Or he didn’t smile kindly enough at that little kid who waved at them during their walk home together? Maybe he should have made better small talk with Yamaguchi’s mom that evening at dinner? He just had no idea how his brother was able to present such easy-going energy to others.

Tsukishima had tried to be more laid back but often at times, his version of being laid back came across as disinterest. At one point he worried that there was something wrong with him. During their middle school years, Tsukishima was sure that Yamaguchi would soon tire of his uptight attitude and end their friendship. It was only rational considering that Yamaguchi was the poster child of amiability and sweet smiles.

So when his brother came home on visits like this it was a very obtrusive example of just how lackluster Tsukishima’s personality was. He knew his brother took notice of this change in him but his brother had written it off as jealousy from taking away Yamaguchi’s attention. Tsukishima had no desire to correct his brother's misconception, to explain he was actually envious of how easily he was able to express his feelings around others.

He would rather chew glass.

“Why don’t we all watch a movie then?”

Tsukishima scrunched his nose up at his brother’s suggestion, “Fuck no.” There was no way he would spend his night between his brother and unrequited love on a couch watching a movie.

_________________________________

Tsushima was sitting between his brother and unrequited love on a couch watching a movie.

His adamant opposal was met with nothing more than a laugh and a scroll through Netflix. They were now all watching King Kong Skull Island much to Yamaguchi’s delight for reasons Tsukishima would never be able to comprehend. They had eaten pizza and gone through two bowls of popcorn already. The green movie light from the rainforest scene blanketed Yamaguchi’s sleeping form next to him as the boy quietly snored.

“So are you guys finally dating now?”

Tsukishima choked on the air. Whipping his head to look at his brother with mixed enrage and embarassment.

“What the fuck!?!? Was your popcorn laced with crack?!?! What is wrong with you?!?” Tsukishima angrily whispered.

“Oh relax, Yamaguchi is obviously asleep. I’m sure his snores can be heard from Tokyo.”

“He only snores when he’s really tired, it’s not his fault.”

“Yeah yeah, he’s precious to you I get it. Now answer the question.”

Tsukishima looked down at his wrapped hand and fiddled with the compression tape fraying at one end. He wondered if he could murder his brother without waking Yamaguchi.

“I don’t know why you woke up today and chose chaos but no. Now choose if you’re going to let this conversation die or if you’re going to die in its place.”

“Seriously? You guys aren’t dating still?”

Tsukishima huffed out a breath from exacerbation. The stress of this conversation making his wrist hurt in a dull throb.

“No, we aren’t,” He looked down at Yamaguchi listening to the quiet snores that solidified the fact that he was sleeping, “The timing…it just hasn’t been right yet.”

“Yet?”

“Yet.”

“So you are planning on telling him then?”

“I just need to come up with a good enough plan.”

His brother shook his head turning the tv volume down and the credits rolled down the screen.

“I know you like rationalizing things and planning ahead to nullify unexpected problems but you can’t do that with your feelings Kei. That’s why they call it falling in love. You can’t fight gravity.”

The low tv hum resonated throughout the quiet room dimly lit by the blue light of the tv credit screen and Tsukishima took in what his brother had said to him. He felt Yamaguchi stir beside him and turned to see him slowly sitting up to rub at his eyes in that way that always made Tsukishima want to reach out and kiss his forehead.

“How long was I out? Is the movie over?”

“Yep,” Akiteru faintly laughed standing up from his sitting position on the couch to turn off the tv and take the popcorn bowls and cups to the kitchen, “Poor Yamaguchi might die never knowing what happened to our great lord King Kong.”

The boy kept lazzily rubbing at his eyes, Tsukishima figured he must be seeing stars by how long he has been doing it.

‘I’ll walk Yamaguchi home.”

“No Tsukki, you’ll have to walk all the way back for no reason. I can walk home myself.”

“You’re half asleep and I don’t want to be investigated by police as the last person who saw you if you fall into a ditch and die.”

“There’s no ditches on the walk back to my house.”

Akiteru’s voice could be heard echoing from the kitchen, “There might be a mugger though, and two lanky string beans are greatly more threatening than one.”

“Wowwww. Thanks for the remarkable insight. It’s truly astonishing what the mind of a college student can conjure up,” Tsukishima whipped back as he stood up, extending his uninjured hand to Yamaguchi to help him stand. They met eyes as Yamaguchi took his hand to help pull himself up, as they stood face to face Tsukishima regarded him in soft tone meant just for him, “Ready to go?”

The freckled boy nodded tiredly walking over to retrieve his bag and jacket as Tsukishima opened the front door for them to leave.

_________________________________

After dropping Yamaguchi off at his house he made his way back home, head upturned to look at the constellations peaking out between swirls of navy clouds. He watched as a tiny beam of light streamed across the sky. A falling star.

Tsukishima supposed that there was some beauty in falling.

_________________________________

“A little bit more to the left.” Yamaguchi’s grandfather prompted, holding a hand to his chin like some kind of queried philosopher.

Tsukishima picked up the shovel from the small hole he had just made and took three steps left.

“Here sir?”

“Hmmm, yeah try there.”

Tsukishima began digging again, looking up at the size of the baby peachtree for reference. He was about six solid shovels in when he heard it again.”

“Actually... I take that back, it needs to be more backwards. Towards the house. Too much direct sunlight isn’t good for baby peach trees, it will need some shade from the roof of the house.”

With a wordless nod, Tsukishima quickly filled the hole he just made and took four steps back towards the house.

“Here sir?”

Before the old man could answer Yamaguchi spoke up from the strawberry bushes he was watering.

“Grandpa! That’s the fifth time you made him dig a hole and fill it.”

“Hehe oops,” the old man said sheepishly, looking at Tsukishima with a silent apology.

Tsukishima smiled kindly at him, “It’s okay, my wrist is healed now so it’s no trouble for me.”

Tsukishima was aware that this was out of character for him. Normally he would be quick to get annoyed at such an action, but there was something about Yamaguchi’s family that had him harnessing the patience of a Buddhist monk. He wasn’t sure if it was from his desire to get the boy of his affections family to like him, or if the family had some genetic trait that killed all his resolve to be snarky.

He began digging the new hole, looking up again for his reference when he saw Yamaguchi staring at him from across the lawn. He had a soft smile on his face and a look in his eye that Tsukishima couldn’t quite name.

“Are you impressed with my hole digging skills?” He called out cheekily.

This seemed to snap Yamaguchi out of whatever spell he was currently under.

“Yeah I am, I might have to get some lessons. How much do you usually charge?”

“Yikes, a pretty hefty fee. I am the best hole digger in Japan after all, it should be expected.”

“Right right,” Yamaguchi repeated while smiling down at the strawberry bush next to him. He looked back up with a half-smile that made Tsukishima’s knees feel weak, “And I don’t suppose you’re willing to make a bargain? For I don’t know…maybe some strawberry shortcake? Or is the best hole digger in Japan not found of such a sweet dessert?”

Tsukishima couldn’t find his voice. Too focused on the way Yamaguchi’s smile seemed to compliment the strawberries so well. He felt a poem creep toward his lips. 

He cleared his throat for good measure and looked back at his shovel to refocus his thoughts. Scared of what would come out of his mouth if he kept looking at the brunette. 

“Normally the answer would be no, but I might be willing to make an exception for this particular case.”

Yamaguchi laughed lightly and Tsukishima fiddled with a groove in the wooden shovel handle.

“How benevolent of you, I will be eternally grateful.”

“As you should.” He added, reaching to lift the baby peach tree and set it into the hole he had just dug. He gently covered the top with soil and clapped his hands together to remove any excess dirt. If his parents saw him doing this kind of dirty work he was pretty sure they would lose their minds. But being with Yamaguchi brought out parts of himself he never realized were there. And, although he had never admitted it, he actually really enjoyed gardening. There was something special about knowing that you were creating something bigger than yourself, something people could enjoy and eat from.

“How long do you suppose it be until the tree starts growing peaches?” He asked the elder man politely.

The man smiled admiring Tsukishima’s handywork from his spot on the garden bench surrounded by hydrangea bushes. The colors swirled and mixed together to create opaque blues and pinks and purples.

“Could be a couple of months to a couple of years, depends on the tree really,” he looked up at the sky reminiscently, “Back at the farm I grew up on, our peach trees grew faster than any of my neighbor friends’ trees. My parents had figured it must have been something with the breed, since they all came from the same tree my grandfather had bought and planted back in the day.”

Tsukishima nodded to himself pondering the old man’s answer. There was always something special in the way he spoke, it reminded him a lot of Yamaguchi. He told stories not just for his own enjoyment, but to paint a picture of a life that not many would get to experience. It was like he was giving his favorite things for others to enjoy.

The slow creak of the sliding door caught Tsukishima’s attention as he turned his head to see Yamaguchi’s grandmother carefully making her way outside holding a small tray of three glasses of tea. He immediately walked over to her to hold the tray so she could focus on walking steadily.

“Thank you, dear.” She said, smiling at him in a way that only a Yamaguchi family member could. Maybe his second theory wasn’t that unlikely.

Yamaguchi’s grandfather sat up from his bench spot to walk over and pluck his glass from the tray.

“How nice, what kind of tea is this my sweet?”

“Oolong and I’m glad you think I’m sweet because that tea certainly isn’t. The doctor told you to watch your blood sugar levels remember?”

The old man chuckled to himself, taking his wife’s hand to lead her back inside the house with him.

“Well if I’d known I’d be burdened with high blood sugar at this age I would have eaten more sweets as a kid.”

Tsukishima could hear their lighthearted laughter as the door closed behind them. He turned back to Yamaguchi somehow feeling embarrassed at his current tray holding position. But Yamaguchi being Yamaguchi was able to practically read his mind and he took the glasses with him and sat on the garden bench, smiling in that way that Tsukishima took as an invitation to join him.

He set the tray down by the door and made his way over, marveling at the way the hydrangeas lightly swayed in the breeze, the occasional petal whipping up to gently float down Yamaguchi’s frame, one even making a home in his hair. The tea glasses he held shimmering opal in the morning sun reflecting a new set of colors with every shift in movement. Tsukishima wondered if this is what painters would consider a muse. Tsukishima wasn’t gifted in painting himself, but the scene before him made him want to try. He wondered if that’s where all talent derived from, all masterpieces began, a scene so perfect that the artist has no choice but to recreate it.

He took his seat and with it his glass of oolong tea Yamaguchi had been holding for him.

“Hyacinth.” Yamaguchi’s voice whispered.

“Hyacinth?”

“Yeah, I just decided that if you were a flower you would be hyacinth.”

Tsukishima was floored at this notion unsure what to say. He could only get out one word.

“Why?”

“Grandpa would always say that they represented beauty, peace, power, and pride. I always thought that was interesting as a kid, that they could symbolize two things that seemed to contradict each other.” He paused for a second to fiddle with the rim of the glass in his hand, Tsukishima was enraptured at his words, “So I used to look it up in books when he would take me to the library. The flower was actually named after a Greek myth. I guess it was the name of a beautiful Spartan prince Apollo fell in love with, Hyacinthus. They were best friends. They grew up playing sports, practicing their bow skills, and even playing the lyre. But the other gods knew of Apollo’s love for Hyacinthus so they killed him. Apollo held him in his arms and tried to heal him but even the god of healing was helpless to death. When he died Apollo was so heartbroken at his death that he refused to allow Hyacinthus’s soul to be taken to the underworld and left to be forgotten. So he transformed Hyacinthus into the Hyacinth flower, ensuring that the love of his life could always be remembered since he could never join him in death.”

Yamaguchi raised his eyes to look at Tsukishima, “It reminds me of you because people just saw Apollo as this unreachable sun god, but he was so much more than that. I think the story of the Hyacinth flowers embodies just how much more he was to Hyacinthus. How there were so many parts of him that only the prince got to see and love.”

Tsukishima didn’t know what to say. He looked over at the small cluster of Hyacinth flowers by the baby peach tree and just felt awe.

“Hyacinth.” He said, filled with wonderment.

“Hyacinth,” Yamaguchi said sweetly.

_________________________________

The two boys sat on the bench oolong teas in hand as they admired the garden when Tsukishima felt the words overtake him.

Your words are like freshly fallen snow
I hold each one in my palm as they melt
In awe of the way they exist without regret
Each flake is a perfect piece of you and just as unique
There is beauty in the way you think

_________________________________

Chapter Text

The Jurassic Park theme song, accompanied by the occasional growl of a dinosaur, echoed in the pitch black of Tsukishima’s room flinching him awake.

Maybe his brother was right about changing his ringtone.

He repeatedly slapped his hand against his nightstand blindly feeling for his phone and flicked his lamp light on. He slowly got up squinting without his glasses to make out the green answer button and hitting it. 

“Hello?” He asked while rubbing his hand across his face to wake himself up. He knew whose voice would reply. There was only one person who called him late at night.

“Tsukki? Did I wake you up? I’m sorry, really sorry I just-“

“You didn’t wake me.”

Tsukishima was met with a few seconds of silence. He switched the phone to the other hand to free his other to grab his glasses. The soft plush dinosaur charm attached to his phone bumped against his cheek with the movement.

“Are you sure…?”

Tsukishima pulled on his glasses eyeing the time. 3:06 a.m. 

“No. I was watching an elephant documentary.”

It wasn’t a complete lie, Tsukishima had watched the documentary…two nights ago.

Tsukishima heard a shaky sigh from the phone. They had been going through this since their friendship began, the only difference was that as children the conversation took place on a home phone huddled under a lamplight on a living room couch.

“It was the shapes and colors one again,” Yamaguchi said so softly that Tsukishima was sure he wouldn’t have been able to hear it if his room hadn’t been pin-drop silent. Among Yamaguchi’s many categories of nightmares, the “shapes and color ones” was how Yamaguchi described his nightmares that felt like incoming panic attacks. Tsukishima deduced years ago that they were directly correlated to the amount of anxiety Yamaguchi was dealing with. Often at times, they would come up from family health problems, bullying, or extreme cases of school stress. But it had been months since Yamaguchi had last gotten one, Tsukishima wondered what was causing such a high level of stress in his life to bring this upon him.

“Did you lay down on the floor with your legs on a chair?”

This was the best position to help ease hyperventilation by night panic attacks, as determined by Tsukishima’s extensive internet research for his friend. Tsukishima was nothing if not thorough. 

“Yeah with my hands on my chest to count the breaths.”

“Good. Your breathing sounds even.” Tsukishima paused before voicing his next thought. “….want me to talk about the elephant documentary?”

“Please.” was the freckled boy’s quiet reply.

Tsukishima leaned back against his bed headboard, eying the wall of his bedroom. He imagined that Yamaguchi might be doing the same thing. The thought made him feel closer to the boy. Tsukishima thought if he focused hard enough it would feel like the boy of his affections was sitting next to him, instead of miles away in his own room. 

He closed his eyes and began retelling the documentary. 

“So the parade was led by a matriarch, her name is Athena which I know you’ll find extremely fitting as a greek mythology nerd,”  Tsukishima said smiling to himself, he would bet that Yamaguchi was currently pouting at the comment, Tsukishima wished he was there to see it himself. He tilted his head against the phone fondly, and continued on with his retelling, ”They’re on a journey to the savannah because of a drought so…” 

Tsukishima recapitulated the documentary while adding little comments here and there along with the occasional sidetracks from Yamaguchi’s questions about minor details like the color of the sunset or how cute the babies were. The conversation as easy as breathing. 

_________________________________

“So then they make it to the watering hole and it begins to rain and another baby elephant is born just like Mimi was in the beginning.” He finished his voice quiet and slurred from drowsiness.

Tukishima listened to the other end of the phone and heard soft even breathing followed by the occasional dreamy murmur and smiled knowing that Yamaguchi was deeply asleep. Yamaguchi only murmered when he was dreaming, so the boy must have been sleeping for a while now. Tsukishima wondered if it was possible to die from affectionate feelings alone. Logically Tsukishima knew that his heart held no correlation with his pinning, his father was a cardiologist after all, but as his affection grew by the day he seriously began contemplating the width of his own heart. How could it possibly grow any larger with his affections for the freckled boy snoring in his ear. His smile began to fall as he thought of the conversation he had with Yamaguchi that morning.

“Do you think Eurydice still loved her husband, even after he turned around and sent her back to the underworld?” Yamaguchi asked from his bed, he was lying flat on his back, one of Tsukishima’s books hovering over his face in hand with his legs hanging off so his feet could swing up and down. 

“Is that Ovid, you’re holding?”

Yamaguchi flipped the cover forward examining the front.

“Yeah.”

“Flip forward, there’s a quote there highlighted in light green.”

Tsukishima turned back to the math homework on his desk, listening to the soft page movements from Yamaguchi behind him. The steady sound accompanied him while he worked until the flipping stopped.

“Eurydice, dying now a second time, uttered no complaint against her husband. What was there to complain of, but that she had been loved.” Yamaguchi’s voice spoke, soft and breathless.

He had found the highlighted part.

“Tsukki that’s beautiful, I see why you highlighted it.”

“I thought you might like that part so I marked it.”

“I always thought she didn’t care from him, but I guess she had feelings for him since the beginning.”

Those last seven words echoed in Tsukishima’s mind.

Had feelings for him since the beginning.

Tsukishima sighed, and adjusted his position on his bed to lay down on his side, carefully placing his phone by his head on his pillow. At the time Tsukishima had simply smiled and nodded along but inside he felt guilt ridden. It would be a lie to say that Tsukishima had had feelings for Yamaguchi since the beginning. Feelings wouldn’t be how he would describe their first encounter. 

Tsukishima wished this wasn’t true.

He wished that during that first meeting, as he watch Yamaguchi get bullied on the playground, that it had been his feelings that fueled him to save Yamaguchi from the bullies. That some part of him, however small, had wanted to protect Yamaguchi. Maybe it could have been the rosy shade of Yamaguchi’s cheeks, or the baby Godzilla on his sand-covered t-shirt, the messy curl on top of his head, or maybe just the sound of his voice. A sound, although foreign, so soul bounding it could cosmically pull any version of Tsukishima toward him like the moon to the earth. But that would be an abstraction. Wishful thinking by a guilt-ridden cocky teen boy. No, the real reason Tsukishima had stopped that day was because he wanted to read his dinosaur encyclopedia on the swings, and he couldn’t do so with the ruckus taking place before him. It had been nothing more than a simple chore. 

Tsukishima thought of  a poem.

I’ve never been one to believe in fate destined soulmates

But I know we could have been two doves, 

Or two sea sailing shipmates,

Or even a pair of simple flowers

And I still would have fallen for you 

In no way because of any higher powers

But because of you and all your patience 

You say I am the one who did the saving

But my dear, it was you who saved me from my own limitations

Tsukishima sighed to himself, looking at the clock on his nightstand. The number 5:37 stared back at him, the glowing red numbers seemingly mocking him. Normally at this point of their routine Tsukishima would hang up the phone and return to sleep himself but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to press that end call button. It just felt so wrong. Tsukishima didn’t want to hang up, he wanted to stay on the call and fall asleep to Yamaguchi’s even breathing. To pretend that they were in each other’s arms sharing a bed. To feel his warm bleed into him. To count each heartbeat with reverence.  

He stared at the ceiling about to weigh the pros and cons of each choice but the conversation he had with his brother interrupted all trains of thought. 

“Fall.” He whispered into the darkness of his room. 

Tsukishima fell asleep with a blinking phone on his pillow by his head with even breathing sounding off of it to match his own. 

_________________________________KAGEYAMA POV_________________________________

The steady bounce of his volleyball against the wooden floorboards from his hand was a comfort to Kageyama. As any aspect of volleyball was for him. This comforting action was especially important to perform at the moment because Kageyama needed all the comfort he could get right now.

“Hey King, are we going to start this or what?” Tsukishima’s conceited voice could be heard echoing in the empty court.

Right…lots of comfort. 

This afternoon the high school was holding a mandatory attendance college fair at the high school for second and third years. Ever the multitasker, Daichi had stated at the end of yesterday’s practice that Yamaguchi was to teach Hinata his float serve technique outside, in order to spare any heads of the inevitable impact, ignoring Hinata’s whiny retorts to add that he also wanted Tsukishima to practice spiking with Kageyama setting for him. Kageyama assumed the team captain was hoping to add a new angle to their team since the duo’s quick was losing its unpredictability as it grew in use. But even though he understood the logic behind the captain’s orders, he had sighed at the thought of spending time alone with Tsukishima of all people. Therefore it was to no one’s surprise that two disgruntled tall boys spoke out in protest while two other boys beamed and high-fived behind them. Tsukishima, ever the asshole, had told Daichi that his spikes were fine, and there was no need for such a practice. This was quickly met with Daichi’s “Tsukishima, please. We both know you have the upper body strength of a tadpole.”

Nishinoya had cackled so hard he started having a choking fit and Suga had to quickly excuse himself outside. Which made no difference since the vice-captains laughter could be heard echoing into the gym.

Ergo Kageyama’s current situation.  

Kageyama looked back at the waiting beanpole before him “Let’s just get this over with.” 

“I couldn’t agree more.”

The two boys began their steady routine, Kageyama picking up balls from the cart to set and Tsukishima spiking them. They tried different angles, speeds, distances, making sure to work out every possible kink. They did this silently, and although Kagayema was focused on the task before him he couldn’t help but notice the way the blond kept glancing at the door between sets. After the tenth time, Kageyama couldn’t take it anymore and had to say something before he lost his mind completely.

“Yamaguchi isn’t coming in, Hinata is probably drilling him to give him every possible tip.”

Tsukishima turned to him with a look Kageyama could only decipher as annoyance. But then again, almost every look Tsukishima had that wasn’t directed at Yamaguchi was dripping with annoyance.

“What the hell are you talking about King?”

Okay, now Kageyama was confused.

“What do you mean what the hell am I talking about? You’ve been turning to look at the door in-between every set, I’m surprised your neck hasn’t snapped off yet.”

Kageyama turned back to the balls expecting to be met with some haughty retort but found nothing but silence. Puzzled he turned around only to find Tsukishima looking down at his shoes with excessive interest, ears burning a fiery red.

Oh.

Tsukishima had no idea he was looking back…he was doing it unconsciously. Great, Kageyama wished he just kept his fat mouth shut.

“Listen… you don’t have to be embarrassed I mean whatever you guys have going on is obvious so I just thought…”

“You thought what?”

“I don’t know, dude Hinata and Yamaguchi are super close so I hear about Hinata’s theories on you all the time. I guess it just slipped.”

“What theories?”

Holy fuck could Kageyama stop talking, he was digging himself in a deeper hole with every passing word. 

“I don’t know, just how you are with us vs him. With us, you’re all insults and scoffing but with him, you’re like some kind of fancy speaking knight that always puts his needs first. I mean seriously you guys are never separated unless you’re forced to, like right now. And it’s not just that, you’re both just different when you’re together. I don’t know how to say it…Hinata is better at noticing that stuff and putting it into words. But it’s like you guys change to your real selves when you’re together.”

Kageyama glared down at his shoes. If Hinata were here he would tell him he’s babbling. Years of being out of practice of social interaction made him revert to babbling when he was nervous talking to someone. 

“Do you feel like that with Hinata?”

Kageyama looked up at Tsukishima confused, what was he talking about now.

“What?”

“Like you’re your real self with him. Yamaguchi and I aren’t the only obvious ones.”

Kageyama could feel his face contort in the way had a habit of doing it when he was confused or thinking. Hinata would always smile when he did it, it made him feel dumb he hated it.

“I guess. I just feel like I’m my best self with him. Like the self that I want to be, not just am, if that makes sense.”

Tsukishima looked back at the door “It does.”

Kageyama picked up a volleyball from the floor, twisting it over and over again in his hands thinking about the consequences of the next words he was going to say.

“I know you’re aware he likes you back. You’re a lot of things Tsukishima but you’re not an idiot.” He glanced up to see Tsukishima pick up a ball himself, fidgeting with a fraying strand of leather. Since when did Tsukishima fidget? , “So why haven’t you told him yet? Hinata used to think you were embarrassed of your feelings for him and that’s why you won’t date him.”

“That’s bullshit!! And I could ask you the same thing. Why haven’t you confessed to the runt yet King?” Tsukishima spoke with venom, but Kageyama couldn't pull his eyes away from the way his eyes looked more hurt than a kicked puppy. It almost made him feel sorry for the guy, no matter how much of a psycho he was. 

Kageyama sighed, “And here I thought we were actually having a friendly conversation.”

Kageyama knew that Tsukishima wasn’t an entirely terrible person. As much as he liked to complain about the blond’s arrogance and rude sense of humor he knew that Tsukishima was probably more caring than anyone else on the team. He was just extremely picky about when he used it on anyone that wasn’t Yamaguchi. Sure Tsukishima would pick on Tanaka for being dumb but he was always the first one to laugh at his jokes or high five him for a solid spike. And no matter how much he would roll his eyes at Sugawara’s demands and antics he would always do whatever was asked of him and speak respectfully to the upperclassman. And sure, Tsukishima made jokes at the expense of Hinata and him but never has he once made it about their sexuality or situationship.

Tsukishima was a little shit, but he wasn’t hurtful.

“It was an honest question, I’m not trying to be a dick, I’m just asking a question.”

There was something in the way Tsukishima said that. Maybe it was the slight fidget of his hands against the volleyball he was holding, or the way he seemed to shift his weight back and forth in a way that could only be observed as self soothing, but Kageyama saw a version of Tsukishima he had never seen before. Not the arrogant prick he had come to accept. But a shy teenage boy who was scared of his affections for his best friend, and didn’t know what to do about feelings was experiencing for the first time.

“I guess I’m just scared. Of a lot of things really. Of my feelings, of how he’ll react to my feelings, of how dating might affect our friendship, of how our future plans might separate us, of never playing volleyball together again.” He looked over at Tsukishima and saw his eyes filled with sincerity, like the guy was eating up his words with a spoon. Kageyama realized that as much as Tsukishima tried to act otherwise, he really needed to hear Kageyama’s words right now, “But you know what Tsukishima? I’m also scared of a life where I never confessed my feelings. So I guess everything is full of fear, but we have to decide which fears we’re willing to live with.”

The silence of the gym was shattered by the loud clang of the metal door slapping against the gym's brick wall. In between the two open doors was Hinata’s bright beaming form. 

“Kageyama!!!” He yelled, throwing up both arms in a bonsai position, “I managed to serve a float serve!”

Kageyama smiled to himself. It would never cease to amaze him how positive Hinata could be about the smallest successes. When they had first met this had conflicted him to no end. He would find himself talking down the other boy’s accomplishments in the same way he would do to himself. A past version of him would have said ‘what’s one good set if you did it a hundred times wrong, that’s nothing to be proud of.’ But now Kageyama couldn’t disagree more. Of course, it’s something to be proud of, because he worked hard and tried his best. That’s what made Hinata so special, that’s what Kageyama loved about him. So he knew which fear he would choose to live with. Because just the thought of never knowing if that smile could be pointed in his direction with a loving gaze was the greatest fear of all.

He looked over at Tsukishima whose eyes were softer than Kageyama had ever seen. He followed the blond’s line of vision to see Yamaguchi smiling as he high-fived Hinata, gently praising him for his hard work as Hinata thanked him profusely. 

Kageyama knew that Tsukishima and him were like oil and water but now he also knew one aspect in which they were exactly same. Their biggest fear. And he had a feeling they would both find a way to concur it one day.

_________________________________

Chapter Text

“Yamaguchi? It is okay if we talk outside for a second?”

Tsukishima turned up from where he was scribbling down some chemistry homework and up at the interaction between Yamaguchi and this foreign invader. Perhaps foreign invader was harsh, but Tsukishima considered the peaceful lunch time he had with Yamaguchi to be a sacred land so anyone intruding on that time would be labeled as such.

“Oh um…” Yamaguchi stalled, looking over at Tsukishima for what Tsukishima could only assume was some form of guidance.

This was not the first time the two boys had found themselves in a situation like this. Just normally, the roles were reversed. Normally, it was Tsukishima who would look over at Yamaguchi for guidance and be met with a reassuring smile and a promise to guard his lunch from any hungry thieves. That’s just the type of person Yamaguchi was. Even in times of awkward tension he found a way to lighten the mood. To put the other person’s perspective and feelings before his own.

Tsukishima was not this person.

He tore his eyes back to his chemistry homework and willed every cell in his body to stay under his control. He clutched his pencil in his hand to keep himself from fidgeting hard enough for his knuckles to turn glossy white.

Tsukishima was a terrible person, and even worse friend.

He didn’t want to see the disappointed look on Yamaguchi’s face, but he couldn’t stop his ears from hearing the soft exhale of breathe from beside him. Followed by a forced chipper tone of voice telling the girl yes. Tsukishima was sure to anyone it would just seem earnest, but ten years of friendship taught Tsukishima better. He felt sick.

“Yeah one sec let me just…put this away.” He finished. Tsukishima could hear the soft clunk of Yamaguchi setting his chop sticks into their case and closing the lid.

“Protect my lunch?“ a soft pretty whisper asked him by his ear that almost had Tsukishima reaching out against his better judgement to stop him from leaving. To confess right then and there. To kiss Yamaguchi silly and tell the foreign invader to promptly fuck off. But Tsukishima wouldn’t do that, because Yamaguchi deserved better than that. Yamaguchi deserved a real confession that wasn’t fueled by jealousy or desperation. Yamaguchi deserved a confession as soft and kind and heartfelt as he was. So Tsukishima just said one word.

“Okay.”

Tsukishima kept his eyes on his paper and listened to the Yamaguchi’s chair being pushed in and out from his desk and their subsiding footsteps two walked out of the classroom.

He was fine.

Tsukishima glared at the homework problem he left off on, a once simple molar conversion question that suddenly looked alien. His skin felt scrubbed raw and his mouth tasted bad and all he could think about is Yamaguchi being confessed to as he sat here. He thought of the blush Yamaguchi would have when she confessed and how his voice would get softer and quieter in that way he did when Tsukishima quoted a particularly romantic Shakespearean piece. He thought Yamaguchi saying yes and that girl kissing him with her stupid beach wave caramel hair shielding their faces. He thought of her glossy lips staining Yamaguchi’s as they kissed. He thought of his hands holding and caressing someone that wasn’t him. He thought of all the beautiful things that were theirs fading out of existence with kind excuses like “Sorry Tsukki, my girlfriend wanted to watch that movie with me tonight…but maybe we can hang out soon okay?” Because Yamaguchi was nothing if not the kindest most considerate person Tsukishima had ever known. And he was beautiful which was no wonder that he was getting confessed to and…. shit.

Tsukishima abruptly stood up from his seat, the cheap metal making a harsh scraping sound against the classroom floor drawing the attention of many of his classmates to him. He looked back frozen, wondering how his body seemed to move without his knowledge and decided it was for the best and left the room to the vending machines. Anything was better than sitting in that classroom waiting for Yamaguchi while his thoughts consumed him until he spiraled to nothing and everything at the same time. He was fine

He walked down the hall in long strides not caring even slightly about the people alarmingly moving out of his way. Fuck them, it was their fault for being short and in his way. Normally Tsukishima would slow his pace to match Yamaguchi but Yamaguchi wasn’t here, he was being confessed to by a really pretty girl with petite features and a friendly voice which would match so much better with Yamaguchi than Tsukishima’s lanky awkward limbs and cold disposition. Someone who could easily voice their affections without getting caught up in their own head and their embarrassment so that they lost the words altogether. Tsukishima sped up his pace. He was fine.

He almost walked past the first vending machine he came into contact with and had to retract his steps forgetting the goal of his heated rampage. He reached into his pocket and roughly pulled out his wallet, fished out a bill and let the machine eat it. He didn’t even look as he jammed his finger into a random button before reaching down to retrieve whatever the fuck he just bought. He was fine.

“Tsukishima? Is something wrong?”

“I’M FINE!” His voice shrieked into the shocked face of an orange haired runt before him.

Shit. He was definetly not fine.

“Okay. What the literal fuck.”

Tsukishima sighed leaning against the vending machine. He felt lightheaded.

“I was talking about the vending machine, that I was fine with getting my drink.”

Hinata looked down at the drink in Tsukishima’s hand and raised an eyebrow.

“Right…and are you also fine with drinking salty watermelon Pepsi?”

Tsukishma looked down at the drink he was holding in confusion. Since when did their vending machines have such a thing.

“Yeah.”

“Right.”

“Well are you just going to stand there and judge me? I already said I was fine!”

Hinata looked at him like he had grown a second head.

“Tsukishima, I’m waiting for you to move so I can get my drink. Have you never used a vending machine before, what’s wrong with you?”

Oh right.

Tsukishim side stepped out of the way and resumed his position leaning against the side of the vending machine this time. He watched as Hinta bought a chocolate milk and peach tea and turned to Tsukishima with the drinks in hand. He shifted his weight back and forth with that constipated look on his face he usually got before matches.

“I feel like I’m going to regret asking this again… but are you sure you’re fine?”

Tsukishima sighed looking down at his drink and playing with the flimsy paper label. He thought of some bullshit excuse.

“Yeah just..school stress and stuff.”

The label began to tear under Tsukishima’s panicky fingers but he kept going. Refusing to look up and see the possible face Hinata was giving him. He knew Hinata knew it wasn’t school stress. In fact, after his conversation with Kagayema in the gym, he knew Hinata knew what it was exactly about. But Tsukishima wouldn’t verbalize it. So he was sure Hinata wouldn’t either.

The silence must have gotten to the wing spiker’s head, because his voice came out a little more high pitched than usual.

“Alright, see you at practice-“

“Yo Hinata!!! You’ll never believe what I just saw, Yamaguchi is over by the soccer field getting confessed to, we have to steer clear of Tsukishima at practice if we don’t want to get our heads ripped the fuck off. I’m sure he’s off somewhere in some classroom losing his shit as we speak, you better not do anything to draw his attention to us today or I swear to god we are both going d- fuck.”

Tsukishima pushed himself off of the vending machine where his form was hidden from Kageyama’s view and stood before the two boys clutching the revolting drink in his hand. He was about to rip Kageyama a new one but he could only watch with horror as Hinata’s face lite up with understanding. The freak duo both turned to him with matching looks of pity. Tsukishima wanted a comet to come down and kill him. At least this way he could be one with the dinosaurs.

“I don’t know why you guys are so surprised, this isn’t the first time he’s been confessed to.” Tsukishima said while twisting open the lid of his drink and taking a swing of it, embarrassed on top of being mind-numbingly jealous. The drink was disgusting, good, maybe this would ground him.

“Yeah and Yamaguchi always turns them down isn’t that right Kageyama” the runt said roughly jabbing the setter in the rib with his elbow in a cartoonishly obvious fashion. If it wasn’t for the situation he was in, Tsukishima would have laughed at how drop dead stupid the kid was.

“Oh uh yeah. He always says no.” Kageyama was currently looking everywhere but at Tsukishima, he at least had enough sense to understand how awkward the situation was.

“Fantastic. Well if we’re done with this riveting interaction I’d like to leave. Now. Bye.”

Tsukishima turned to walk away hearing the hushed whispers behind him and walking faster. He prayed to god to Hinata kept his fat mouth fucking shut.

_________________________________

Hinata did not keep his fat mouth fucking shut.

Tsukishima should have expected this. In fact, Tsukishima was pissed at himself for not expecting this.

It wasn’t that Hinata literally couldn’t keep his fat mouth fucking shut and blabbed to everyone that Tsukishima was the embodiment of the green monster of envy, but rather he couldn’t keep his facial features from giving it all away. Hinata was always looking over at him with this look in his eyes that Tsukishima could only place as a mixture of pity and …concern? Gross. Kageyama had tried to nudge the carrot head during practice multiple times to regain his attention and signal that he probably shouldn’t use his eyes to spotlight Tsukishima’s unhappiness but Hinata just couldn’t help himself.

Naturally this drew the attention of everyone other team member in the gym and from the rumor, mixed with Tsukishima’s pissy mood, it was pretty easy to put two and two together.

Tsukishima knew he was being childish and selfish. He really did. But it was one of those moments where even though you knew this wasn’t the right way to act, it was impossible to act any differently. If he were a different person, a better person, he wouldn’t be doing this. He would be kindly smiling at Yamaguchi, not missing any blocks, and continuing his usual neutral/snarky attitude. Tsukishima knew that was the right answer. Just like he knew the mechanics for a float serve from hearing Yamaguchi talk about it. But he just couldn’t perform it. He couldn’t get his body to do it. To be better.

After the fourth missed block and the completion of their afternoon practice Yamaguchi finally spoke up.

“Tsukki, are you okay? You know you can talk to me right?”

Of course Tsukishima knew he could talk to him. He practically fucking knew each word of the conversation that would come from this. That wasn’t the problem. It was getting himself to actually do it.

“Yeah.”

Yamaguchi stared at him. A concentrated stare of patience. Tsukishima realized he was waiting. He was giving Tsukishima another chance.

Tsukishima wouldn’t take it.

“I’m going to go help take down the net.” He said, barely keeping himself from speed walking away in embarrassment.

Tsukishima took his time putting away the net. He supposed some delusional part of himself had hoped that maybe if he took long enough Yamaguchi would just go home by himself and he wouldn’t have to face this inner turmoil he was having at all.

He was fifteen minutes into folding the net when heard Shimizu’s question.

“Have you ever heard of the painting Starry Night by Van Gogh?” She asked softly. They were the only two people left in the gym now so her voice echoed slightly in the quiet.

Tsukishima was surprised at the question. Usually the team manager was pretty reserved and quiet. That’s what Tsukishima respected about her. She was an observer like him. Keeping to herself for the most part and mainly talking with Yachi. Tsukishima knew she was a pretty girl (he was gay not blind) and popular among guys. There were many times he had passed by a scene of her being confessed to in various obscure and remote area of the school. He didn’t need to stay to know how the interaction would end. After all, the only person she really took interest in regularly was Yachi. Which made her sudden question all the more confusing.

“Yes, it’s his most famous work. It’s on post cards and phone cases and stuff.” Tsukishima answered nonchalantly. He respected the girl enough to give her a proper answer void of sarcasm, no matter how odd the question seemed. 

“Right. But do you know why he painted it?”

Tsukishima thought to himself. Thinking back to what he’s read on the painter.

“It was the view from his bedroom window right?”

“Yes," Shimizu paused to pick up the net Tsukishima had finished folding. “But do you know where his bedroom was?”

What was this? A game of twenty questions? 

“No.”

She walked to put the net in the closet and Tsukishima followed silently. Their footsteps making soft pattering on the wooden floor. They opened the door and went in.

“It was from the bedroom he lived in at the mental asylum after he cut off his ear. They encouraged him to paint as a form of therapy. So he just painted what felt right,” Shimizu set the net down and turned to look into Tsukishima’s eyes. There was depth that Tsukishima couldn’t quiet name in the girl’s eyes. For a moment her understood why Yachi seemed to look at her like she was the moon pushing the tides. “He didn’t paint it thinking it would be the most famous painting, he didn’t weigh the pros and cons of the view or of the style. He just painted what felt right. He did what would make him happier. Sometimes life is just like that Tsukishima. Sometimes we just have to try what might make us happier. What feels right. And that can become the best thing that happens to us.”

Tsukishima felt himself getting choked up. Everyone in his life had been telling him this lately. His brother, Kageyama, Hinata, hell even that cursed group chat with Kuroo and Bokuto began hinting at it. He hated it. He hated feeling like everyone could fix his problems but him.

“Why are you telling me this?”

Shimizu gently laid her hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder. Even through his shirt he could feel how cold her hands were. He shivered slightly.

“Because you remind me of myself. Always looking for the best option. Analyzing the pros and cons. But if there’s any advice I can give you as your upperclassman it's that the best decisions I’ve made, the ones that made me the happiest, were from the heart not the mind.” She finished her sentence with an added pat to Tsukishma’s shoulder and walked toward the gym doors.

Tsukishima followed her silently. Mind heavy.

_________________________________

To Tsukishima’s guilt, he let out a relieved sigh when he walked out from the changing room and saw Yamaguchi wasn’t waiting for him. He began to make his way home when he saw a familiar form leaning against street lamp all ahead on his path.

Tsukishima supposed this was karma for his past relief.

He made his way to Yamaguchi with heavy strides. His legs feeling increasingly jelly-like with each step. The lamp blanketed Yamaguchi in an orangey glow. The bright light heightening the dust particles in the air look like a glittering light colored snow. Tsukishima knew he should probably say something right now. Maybe apologize, or maybe just confess. A better person would. But as he stood in front of Yamaguchi, looking at the way his eyes seemed to burn with barely controlled emotion Tsukishima figured there were no words he could say to fix this anyways.

The silence was painful.

“God Tsukkishima sometimes you just make me so mad.” Yamaguchi sputtered out clenching and unclenching his hand from his bag strap on his shoulder. He turned his head to the side and took in a big breath.

He didn't call him Tsukki. Yamaguchi always called him Tsukki. Tsukishima felt like throwing up. 

“Why?” A shaky voice whispered into the air. It took Tsushima an embarrassingly long time to realize it had been himself that said it.

Yamaguchi sighed. His breath making a puff of curled white air in the chilly night.

“Because…sometimes I feel like you get so caught up in your own head. And you imagine all these scenarios of all these interactions and conversations and you get mad. You get mad at me! And it makes me feel like I have to apologize but God why? Why should I have to apologize for things I didn’t even do? Things you’ve calculated up to be true. Things you’ve made up. Things that aren’t real Tsukishima.” 

Yamaguchi turned to look at him. His eyes wide and heavy with emotion. Tsukishima couldn’t believe how accurately Yamaguchi read the situation. If he wasn’t scared out of his fucking mind he’d be impressed and proud of his best friend.

“I-“ he cleared his throat and felt his eyes water up and tried to will it away, he was not about to cry. He knew if he did Yamaguchi would drop his resolve to comfort him and this conversation would end without anything getting fixed. He couldn't do that to Yamaguchi. He couldn't do that to their friendship.

“I’m not mad at you Yama, I-you know- I mean. How could I ever be mad at you! I’m not. I guess I’m just mad at myself.” His thought felt incoherent and jumbled. He briefly wondered if this was how Hinata feels trying to get words out.

“Well what else am I supposed to think when you don’t talk to me. You didn't even ask me what happened before you decided to have the asneer yourself and ignore me. I mean you couldn't even look at me during practice.”

“I know I’m sorry. You’re right. I know you’re right but I just can’t help it. I don’t know why I did that. It’s like I know what I should do but now how to do it.”

“What should you do.”

Tsukishima ran a hand through his hair frustrated and began pacing.

“The exact opposite. Talk to you and smile and joke and be normal. Be like how you are when this happens to me. I swear Yama I know it but…” He paused not sure where he was going with this.

“But what Tsukki?”

Tsukishima looked directly into Yamaguchi’s eyes. The eyes he would lay awake thinking of. The eyes that made him want to paint oceans of green landscapes. The eyes that would crinkle up when he smiled like perfect crescent moons. The eyes that were always kind and imploring and attentive and so so beautiful. Beautiful in the way people would describe a religion. 

“But it’s different with you!!!! I’ve read about jealously. Pondered the words in poems and their lingering feelings but it's not the same. I thought it was but it isn’t. I thought I knew what it felt like, thought I knew how to handle it. It seemed simple, just like everything feels simple when its not with you. But then you’re here and it's all different its all new and sure it’s amazing but its also really confusing and I just…” Tsukishima had no idea where he was going with this. He was dangerously close to a confession. And he didn’t want to be. At least not like this. It was supposed to be better. Sweeter. Kinder. He needed it to be. He needed to show Yamaguchi he could be better and sweeter and kinder. Tsukishima felt his heart drop to his stomach. He was using his confession as a means to prove something in one moment. Without having to work up to it. Without having to do it every day.

He was using this confession for himself. To make himself feel worthy of loving Yamaguchi. 

Tsukishima grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand. Steeling himself from what he was about to do. It would be the most embarrassing thing he had ever done in his life. But it would make Yamaguchi feel better, so his reputation and sense of self could be damned.

“Yamaguchi, can you come with me to my house? I need to give you something.”

“What? Tsukki is this really the best time.” Yamaguchi asked shaking his head flabbergasted. Tsukishima was sure this was really confusing. But he knew this was what he had to do. He had to put his needs aside and give Yamaguchi a raw piece of his heart. With all it’s embarrassing and odd parts. Because this should be on Yamaguchi’s terms now. If Tsukishima was willing to give Yamaguchi his heart, he should also be willing to give him his thoughts.

“It’s a book of poems. Poems I wrote for you. I want you to read them.”

_________________________________

Chapter Text

Tsukishima is twelve years old the first time he realizes that love is not enough.

The setting sun seeps through the kitchen windows as he watches his father leave the house in a heated storm. The front door slams so hard that Tsukishima feels the vibrations in his chest. He turns around numbly to see his mother move to sit down at the dining room table. It’s not uncommon for Tsukishima’s parents to fight like this. He knows they won’t get divorced because they’re both too stubborn and too obsessed with their reputation to give in like that. Tsukishima would never say it out loud, but a part of him wishes they would.

He watches unmoving as his mother places her elbows on the table and cradles her head in her hands. Tsukishima always knew his mother was a proud woman. He’s never seen her cry. But now he watches dolefully as silent tears slip down her cheeks and plop onto their deep amber mahogany table leaving sparkling droplets that absorb the bright gold streams of light haloing them both. The scene is too beautiful for how they’re both feeling right now.

It’s just him and his mother now so he doesn’t know what to say. His older brother has always been better at this stuff but he leaves before the sun rises for volleyball practice and doesn’t come home until late evenings. Tsukishima knows he needs to focus now, he doesn’t want to trouble his brother with what’s happening at home. He’s the team ace after all.

So Tsukishima musters up whatever thread of courage he has left and takes careful steps towards his mother. He gently pulls out the chair next to her and sits down. Tsukishima says nothing.

He doesn’t need to. His mother speaks instead.

“Loving, can be the worst thing you do to someone.” She says. The tears are continuing to drip down her face but you wouldn’t know it by the tone of her voice. It’s steeled and slow. Tsukishima thinks that she might not even be fully aware she’s talking right now.

“Why?” He finds himself asking. He can’t bear to look at her crying face any longer so he fixes his eyes on her elbows set on the table. They’re peachy and smooth and for an odd second he sees the little girl his mother once was. He wonders if his mother was once in his position. If he’s going to put someone else in this position too one day. The thought makes his feel sick.

“Because once you love someone, you can’t let them go without destroying each other.”

Tsukishima’s mother gets up after that. He hears the confident pads of her footsteps dilute down the hall and he is alone. He plays with the edge of his t-shirt and thinks on that answer. He thinks about the love his parents share and realizes he doesn’t want love. If love makes you feel like this…Tsukishima doesn’t want it.

Tsukishima gets up and leaves from that dining room table. He never sits at it again.

_________________________________

Tsukishima is sixteen the first time he realizes that his love will always be enough.

The chilly wind bites at both of their noses as Yamaguchi and Tsukishima walk towards Tsukishima’s house. Tsukishima says walk, but to be completely honest its more like dragging since Tsukishima is holding Yamaguchi’s arms as he leads them.

He thinks of that moment at the dining room table with his mother and realizes that she was wrong. That she wouldn’t have said what she said if she felt what Tsukishima was feeling right now. If she saw the way Yamaguchi’s eyes glimmered in the night stars, the pink in his cheeks from the chilly air. If she felt the way Yamaguchi took off Tsukishima’s hand from his arm only to claps their fingers together. Squeezing a little in that reassuring way that only Yamaguchi can do.

No, if his mother was in his shoes she would have never said that. Tsukishima is sure of it.

Tsukishima picks up the pace, his eagerness of sharing his heart with Yamaguchi growing by the second.

They make it to Tsukishima’s house. He’s home alone so he fumbles to get the keys from his bag. Slightly shaking as he unlocks the door. Once inside he tosses his bag to the side and toes off his shoes haphazardly. He turns to look back at Yamaguchi who give him a raised eyebrow at his disorderly actions. But he can’t bare to care because Yamaguchi is here, with him, and he’s about to know everything and that’s all Tsukishima can think about. He wants Yamaguchi to know everything.

He races up the stairs skipping two and then three at a time and throws open his door making a bee-line to his bookshelf. He grabs the notebook with muscle memory from grabbing it every night and turns around to see Yamaguchi at the door.

“Tsukki…a math notebook?” Yamaguchi says, the confusion making a crease between his brows. Tsukishima thinks about the day he might finally be able to smooth that crease with his fingers and smile at Yamaguchi and the thought gives him the power to hand the notebook over to Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi takes it carefully even though he thinks it's just some silly math notebook. But Tsukishima can tell he sees how special this is to him so he holds it with care and love like he’s cradling Tsukishima’s god damn heart, which he is, but it makes Tsukishima fall in love with him all over again.

“It’s yours.” He says. “This…it’s always been yours I think.”

Yamaguchi looks at him puzzled but then open the first page to see a poem and looks back up at him in surprise.

“I want you to have access to all my thoughts and feelings,“ he says smiling at Yamaguchi with his whole heart, “I know I’m not great at expressing it, but I want you to know that if there’s anyone in the world I would try harder for…it’s you.” He moves his hand up to point at the notebook resting in Yamaguchi’s hands, “Just, don’t read it out loud. If you read it out loud I might actually fucking die.”

Yamaguchi laughs and give Tsukishima one last soft smile before he starts reading.

Tsukishima watches as Yamaguchi becomes consumed with the words he wrote. The methodical page flipping sounds become reassuring. Each page is proof that he can’t undo this. That he can’t go back. And for once in his life, Tsukishima can’t find a single part of himself that does. He wants to move forward. He wants to move forward with Yamaguchi.

The thought is so deliriously lovestruck and cringey that Tsukishima can’t hold back a soft laugh that escapes from his lips. He shakes his head fondly with the noise. This unfortunately alerts a confused and hurt look from Yamaguchi.

“Why are you laughing? Tsukishima this…this is…” Yamaguchi is a shade so bright pink it practically borders on red. He looks like a strawberry.

This makes Tsukishima laugh harder.

“I-“ he tries to get out the words between bubbling laughter. “I just-I can’t believe how good this feels. Telling you I mean. If I had known I would feel such a rush of serotonin I would have told you so long ago. I’m not even worried about being rejected. It just feels so good that you know now. I didn’t expect it to feel so good.” He say the last two words in a whisper almost to himself as he looks into Yamaguchi’s sweet teary eyes.

Whenever Tsukishima entertained the thought of confessing he always imagined how the build up would feel. Like the feeling before taking a big exam. He imagined he would feel shaky and unsure and would probably be consumed with worse case scenarios. But this wasn’t anything like that. And it wasn’t because he felt that Yamaguchi would say yes. It was because he realized what this feeling was the whole time. This whole time he was feeling it without knowing. Worrying over what it would feel like once they dated, how long it would last, what he would do if it started to fade, grow cold like his parents. But this whole times, all these years, he was already feeling it. And it didn’t fade, not for a second. It’s only grown. He wants to tell Yamaguchi this.

So he does.

“Love is enough, it’s enough if it’s with you.”

Yamaguchi clutches the notebook to his chest. And goes to move toward Tsukishima but Tsukishima puts his hands up.

“Wait I-sorry just I-I want to get this out now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say it so blatantly in the future and I want to start this out properly.”

“Tsukki, I’m literally holding a notebook full of love poems you wrote for me. There is no possible “more blatant” way to start this out.” Yamaguchi says this but still leaves a comfortable silence for Tsukishima to fill, allowing him the time to say what he wants to say.

Tsukishima clears his throat feeling like he’s about to give a college lecture.

“Yamaguchi I like you. In all honestly, “like” might be a gross understatement for how my feelings have progressed but I’ll say it anyways. I like you….a lo-“

Tsukishima doesn’t finish because Yamaguchi is kissing him and it’s better than anything he could have imagined. It sweet and soft and makes his heart feel ten times too big for his chest. Neither of them has any idea what they’re doing but Tsukishima figures that they have plenty of time to figure it out together anyways. Yamaguchi’s lips are a little chapped from their walk in the bitting cold and they both probably smell like sweat but its perfect. Tsukishima really thinks it’s perfect.

Yamaguchi wraps his hand around Tsukishima’s bicep and it feels so grounding. So safe. Tsukishima doesn’t think he’s ever felt so safe in his life. He moves his hand up to cradle Yamaguchi’s cheek thumbing over a freckle at the corner of his mouth he’s spent countless moments gazing at over the years only to be able to finally touch.

They break away for air but don’t move away from each other. Tsukishima looks down to see the notebook carefully cradled against Yamaguchi’s chest.

“So, I’m going to go out on a limb here and hypothesize that you want to keep that?” He says joking, as if for a second he wouldn’t give it to Yamaguchi. As if Yamaguchi couldn’t ask for the moon and the stars right now and Tsukishima would find some way to give it to him.

“I want the original for sure. If you want your own copy I might be inclined to xerox it for you.”

Tsukishima laughs leaning his head down to rest his cheek against the top of Yamaguchi’s hair. He thumbs over the freckle on his cheek again.

“Wowww, to think I won’t even get the original copy of my own work.”

“It’s the struggles of an artist Tsukki, you better get used to it.”

Tsukishima wraps both of his arms around Yamaguchi pulling him close enough to feel their heartbeats beating against each other’s chest.

“I guess I should.” He says absentmindedly, much more focused on how warm Yamaguchi feels in his arms. Tsukishima is sure he’ll never feel cold again.

“Does this mean...”Yamaguchi pauses and Tsukishima hums, letting him know he has his attention, “Does this mean you’re my boyfriend? That we tell everyone that?”

“If that’s what you would like. But I doubt it will be much of a surprise to anyone since multiple people have talked to me about my pitiful pining. If anything there might just be some bet money exchanged.”

“What?!” Yamaguchi screeches moving his head to look up at him. Tsukishima is ashamed to say he full on pouts at the loss of contact.

“Who are these multiple people?!?”

Tsukishima sighs, he would much rather just kiss Yamaguchi again than think back about it but relents anyways.

“Hinata, Kageyama, Kuroo who I assumed has told Kenma considering how they're practically joined at the hip, had a weird conversation with my brother at one point…” He stops to think for a moment “Oh, and Kiyoko actually talked to me a couple hours ago which was really unexpected. Some Van Gough analogies were made. Why did no one come up to you?”

“Well Hinata and I kinda talked but that’s just because we’re so close. I can’t believe all these people knew before me.” Yamaguchi says looking at the distance in disbelief.

Tsukishima pokes at his cheek fondly.

“That’s my fault, I should have told you sooner but I was sure you didn’t feel the same way until the amusement park and after that I was trying to make sure everything was perfect and I couldn’t find the right moment.” Tsukishima thinks back on those days and wishes he could shake himself to just confess. It’s odd how simple it seems not that he has Yamaguchi in his arms.

“It’s not just your fault. I could have said something too but I wasn’t sure either. It’s funny, now I can’t imagine feeling anything but sure.”

Leave it up to Yamaguchi to know exactly what Tsukishima is thinking.

Tsukishima reaches out to kiss Yamaguchi again. This one is slower than the first one, more gentle and comforting. Yamaguchi puts his hand around Tsukishima’s waist and Tsukishima reaches behind himself to intertwine their fingers together. Relishing in the smile he can feel on Yamaguchi’s lips.

Tsukishima never really saw the allure of kissing. He’s seen it in movies, read about it in novels but he never really got it. Now he does. He feels so pliant. Like Yamaguchi could mold him like clay into a masterpiece and he wants him to. He wants to see what Yamaguchi can draw out of him. It’s all he can think about. It feels like the world just dimmed down except for Yamaguchi. Like everything feels downy and warm. And every touch feels like coming home.

Tsukishima doesn’t want it to stop.

So when Yamaguchi breaks away first he noses at his cheek and then his jaw and then his neck. Feeling the warmth seep into his skin. Yamaguchi leans his head to give him more access and Tsukishima feel like he’s just been given the Nobel Prize. He continues his explorations. Promising himself that one day he’ll kiss every freckle Yamaguchi has but for now just enjoying his favorites.

Yamaguchi raises his head up to pull Tsukishima in for another kiss. This one just a peck before Yamaguchi pulls away and reaches to hold Tsukishima’s hands to his own cheeks.

“Don’t laugh, but I’ve been wanting to do this for so long.” He says, voice slightly muffled from the pressure of Tsukishima's hands cupping his jaw.

Tsukishima isn’t sure what Yamaguchi means but is happy to give him what he wants so he keeps his hands there, resting on his cheeks.

He wonders if this is how Atlas felt holding up the world. 

“Have my hands cradle your face?”

“Yeah, it’s kinda my personal Achilles heel. You have no idea how many times I almost risked it all wanting to hold your hands.”

Tsukishima is suddenly reminded of that day at the amusement park where he pondered the idea of Yamaguchi liking a little part of him the same way Tsukishima liked little parts of Yamaguchi.

“They’re just so prettyyyy.” Yamaguchi drawls out the last word like it’s the most embarrassing thing he’s ever said but Tsukishima can’t imagine why because the word ‘pretty’ is on repeat in his mind taking over any functioning neurons he had left after those kisses.

“And it’s not fair, I mean really Tsukki you’re always fiddling with something in your hands and I can’t handle it. I felt like I was losing my mind being jealous over inanimate objects. I was jealous of a tic-tac container Tsukki. A goddamn tic-tac container!”

Tsukishima has no idea what to say so he just says the first thing that comes to his mind.

“I have an obsession with your freckles.”

“My freckles?”

“Yeah, I literally have dreams about them.”

They both burst out laughing at their own ridiculousness. If anyone else saw this interaction they would probably end up cringing themselves into an untimely death but it’s perfect for the amount of ridiculousness that is Tsukishima and Yamaguchi when they’re together. Tsukishima is going to spoil this boy with love until they're old and grey. 

_________________________________

Chapter Text

If someone had told Yamaguchi that Tsukishima would be clingy as a boyfriend, Yamaguchi would have been surprised..slightly. The clinginess was always a given when it came to Tsukishima, and although it could be disguised as laziness to others, Yamaguchi saw it for what it was– even when they were just friends. Yamaguchi couldn't count the number of times they would end up cuddling when sharing a bed during movie nights. Or the number of times Yamaguchi would doze off to the feeling of Tsukishima tenderly rubbing his hand up and down Yamaguchi's blanketed arms. Or how many times Tuskishima would reach to hold hands during their lunch break, more than willing to eat with his non-dominant hand to do so. In fact, their routine morning hugs when meeting to walk to school was started as children, by Tsukishima. So it was fair to say that Yamaguchi expected their blooming relationship to come with added physical clinginess. He had prepared himself mentally for it.   

What he wasn't prepared for on the other hand… was the pet names. 

It had started off rather subtly, the occasional “dear” when asking if Yamaguchi was feeling okay that day or “honey” at times when they were alone in the confines of one of their bedrooms, just looking at each other eyes while Tsukki fondly stroked Yamaguchi’s cheek. This was expected, Yamaguchi knew Tsukishima long and well enough to know that Tsukishima was nothing if not an old soul, and to be perfectly honest that was something that Yamguchi had always loved about him. It made sense. 

It made sense by itself.

But then came “my darling”. This had first come on a particularly chilly evening when Tsukishima and Yamguchi were preparing for their movie night, some Wes Anderson film that Yamaguchi had picked. The movie was about to start when Yamaguchi had asked Tsukishima if he had any extra blankets to which Tsukishima gently kissed his cheek with a “of course darling” as he removed himself from the bed to retrieve it. This was more surprising, this was more…intimate? Yamguchi wasn’t even sure what the right word for it was. Afterall, they were only teenagers and yet here Tsukishima was spouting domestic pet names like they were lead characters in some Jane Austen novel without an inch of embarrassment or hesitation. Yamaguchi was sure his face had taken a cherry tone when Tsukishima had gotten back and silently spread out the blanket over their legs before hitting play on the film. By the time Yamaguchi had gotten home the next morning he had chalked the situation to be nothing more than a reflection of the ambiance of the room. Maybe the Wes Anderson film had Tsukishima feeling more romantically inclined than usual. Yamaguchi was sure this was merely a product of the situation and wasn’t expecting it to occur in their everyday life. 

It made sense for the situation.  

But then came the day when Tsukishima was helping out in the garden. Yamaguchi’s grandfather had ordered more herbs and asked if the boys would be willing to plant them for him. They were half way through when Yamaguchi had found a particularly large ladybug, allowing it to crawl on his finger and raising his hand to eye level to show Tsukishima. 

“Look Tsukki, a ladybug!” He said grinning.

Tsukishima turned toward him- a softness in his eyes that still gave Yamaguchi embarrassingly fluttery butterflies even after months of dating- and leaned forward to place a small peck on his nose before turning back to work with a smile still ghosting on his features. 

“Cute sweetheart, did you want me to plant this mint by the chamomile since they're both for tea?”

Yamaguchi was barely able to get out a squeaky “sure”. He supposed Tsukishima just happened to be in happy moods recently. 

It made sense for his mood.

But then came arguably the most obvious of all of the following. This time in the form of a phone call after a particularly chilling nightmare. After years of this routine, it became second nature to call Tsukki as soon as he woke up from one. Shakily reaching for his phone and hitting the call button on instinct. Usually it wouldn't be more than one or two rings before he was met with the groggy voice of the boy of his affections asking if he was okay in that soft sleepy voice that always had Yamaguchi's racing heart slowing on instinct. Unfortunately for Yamaguchi's cardiovascular system, that wasn't what happened. 

"Angel what's wrong? Another nightmare?" 

Every brain cell Yamaguchi had promptly committed apoptosis and he was left gaping like a fish out of water. 

No words were spoken by either party for a solid minute.

"Is something wrong? You usually say something right away. Was it the colors and shapes one again? Are you having problems breathing? Do you need me to come over? If it's really bad I will, you just have to tell me angel and I'll bike over right now." Tsukki asked, growing increasingly more concerned and awake. 

Yamaguchi is sure that if it wasn't for the fear in his boyfriend's voice, he certainly would have forgotten how to speak all together.

"No no I'm f-fine. I can breathe." He stuttered out. Unsure whether he should even bring it up or not. He knew Tsukishima's parents didn't call each other pet names. And he knew that Tsukishima had never expressed interest in them himself, despite the plethora of romance novels and movies they've indulged in over the years. So Yamaguchi could only chalk this sudden use of them up as something he reserved solely for his significant other. Something he didn't even realize he had in him until he experienced a romantic relationship. And although Yamaguchi thanked the stars that he was the person receiving such verbal affections, he couldn't help but worry if this was fueled by some deeper meaning. A deeper craving of closeness maybe? Tsukishima has always struggled with getting his emotions across. Perhaps this was his way of expressing his feelings in a concrete way that left no room for question? And if it was, what kind of boyfriend would Yamaguchi be to deny him this? To question him and therefore make him insecure about it? No, asking him was not an option. Yamaguchi would just have to get his shit together and accept his boyfriend's pet names without restraint. Perhaps even start using some of his own. But one step at a time.

_________________________________

It had been several months since their emotional confession and each day had been more wonderful than the last. There had been picnic dates and little gifts. Slow walks on lazy summer mornings and whispery phone calls late into the night. They had officially gotten the hang of kissing, not that that stopped them from engaging in a healthy amount of practice. And more than anything, they had opened up to each other. They recounted their thoughts and feelings in the moments upcoming to their getting together. Yamaguchi had heard first hand about how each of Tsukishima's poems for him came to be. Tsukishima had always seemed withdrawn, like he was holding the world in his mind. But since the confession he had begun sharing it with Yamaguchi, letting him in on his thoughts and feelings. Sometimes with gentle coaxing and sometimes by his own volition. 

It was everything Yamaguchi had ever dreamed of and more. 

And yet despite this fullness- despite the complete and overwhelming love he felt every day- Yamaguchi wanted more. Greediness, it turns out, is a physical thing, because it leaves Yamaguchi lying awake at night. Beyond the tossing and turning, left only to lie still and stare at the ceiling. Thinking of the way Tsukishima's lips curled ever so cutely when he laughed that day. Or the way his hands felt interlocked with his own. He'll lay awake and come up with thought after thought of that beautiful boy. Of the way he's always able to crack a witty joke or how quick he is to offer to help Yachi place the volleyballs on the higher shelf at the end of practice. He'll think of the way he offered Yamaguchi's grandma a pillow for her back while she sat in her rocking chair. Or how he yelled at some rascally kids for messing with a stray cat on their walk home. Yamaguchi figured nights like these would end after he started dating Tskushima. But they didn't. Not in the slightest. Because Yamaguchi supposes that's the thing about loving Tsukishima Kei, there's endless things to love. Everyday he'll find something new to adore and spend the night pondering about until he wakes up the next morning and does it all again. He really, really, loves Tsukishima. He loves him in ways that feel infinite. 

He wants to tell Tsukishima this. But he's not quite sure how to get it across. They've already been through the whole "I love you" hurdle and they aren't anywhere near ready to go anywhere past the occasional make-out session. So Yamaguchi finds himself at a loss. He wonders if he's late to the game and Tsukishima has already been well into the works of this epiphany, ergo the pet names situation. Knowing the blond, Yamaguchi is sure that's the most likely case. But either way, he knows he needs to find something to express how much he adores his boyfriend. He could try the pet name thing too but a part of him feels like he won't be satisfied with just piggy backing off of Tsukkishima's idea. No, he needs his own. 

Which is why he's come to the point he's at now. Making a list of possible ways to woo his boyfriend on his phone in the middle of a lunch period. He's about three options into said list when Hinata pipes up from the classroom chair next to him.

"Damn Yamaguchi, I know Tsukishima isn't here to keep your interest but you've been on your phone all lunch period. Are you addicted to a game or something? You know that once happened to me with this crazy cool game about stacking groceries in a bag. I actually got pretty far too I made it all the way t-"

"No Hinata sorry, it's not a game. It's actually much more embarrassing, so I would prefer it if it was a game or something." He says with sigh, picking up his bottle of iced tea to take another sip. 

Hinata looks at him thoughtfully while he does so. Bobbing his knee up and down in a way that's a clear tell he wants to hear more. The same way it bobs when Kageyama is about to tell him a great new volleyball strategy he came up with. 

"Hinata don't look at me like that. I can't tell you! I might actually combust into like flames or something if I tell you. I only mentioned it so you would know I'm not actively ignoring you."

Yamaguchi's pleading does nothing to quell Hinata's excitement. His knee is still bobbing with the vigor of a ticking time bomb. 

"Right, right that's fine! Just like-you know- if you did want to tell me you totally could . I mean it's just us after all since Kageyama and Tsukishima are helping re-wax the court floors. I mean you could totally tell me right now and no one would ever know. Well I would know, but no one else would an-"

"I'm going to stop you right there Hinata. Thank you but- and I can't stress this part enough- no thank you ."

Hinata just laughs next to him, shaking his head as he shoves another piece of his lunch into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully while making full eye contact with Yamaguchi. It's honestly a little unnerving.

"You know sometimes I forget how similar you two are. Like at first glance you guys aren't the same at all, total opposites. But when it comes to stuff like this you guys are the exact same. Getting either of you to open up about the other is like pulling teeth or something."

Yamaguchi is about to open his mouth to give a solid retort when he realizes he never actually said that the stuff on his phone had to do with Tsukkishima. 

"Did you see?"

"Pftttt, no- I mean I didn't have to . You had that look on your face. The.." Hinata's raises his hands to do air quotes with his fingers, " Tsukkishima thoughts " look on your face. And even if you didn't, I guessed this would happen pretty soon. Well that's with assuming he actually went through with the pet name thing."

"You know about the pet name thing?!?! How?!? No wait, when?!?! No, not even when, why!?!?"

""How" is Kageyama telling me, "when" is pretty obvious. I mean you should know when without me telling you. And "why"..well I don't really know that one…all I know is Kageyama said Tsukishima asked him for advice about that stuff and he suggested pet names. I guess since Kageyama and I have been doing that since we started dating and that’s all that dumbass could think to suggest. Which- might I add- was my idea to begin with!" 

Yamaguchi ignore that last part, unable to get past the first part. 

"Since when does Tsukishima ask Kageyama for advice??"

Hinata yells out with his mouth full. Chunks of chewed up food flying in all directions as he points his chopsticks directly at Yamaguchi. It takes everything in him not to outright cringe. 

"That's what I said!?! I was like-what do you mean he's asking you for advice? He should be asking me ! I'm Yamaguchi's best friend! Right!?!"

Hinata asks the last part while looking at him imploring. Yamaguchi sucks in a breath between his teeth.

"I mean..technically Tsukishima is but yeah."

"He definitely isn't since boyfriends don't count as best friends. Once you guys started dating I was officially promoted to the best friend position."

"I guess that makes sense…?"

"Of course it does. But anyways that's not the point, the point is that I know you're trying to come up with a way to show Tsukishima you care just like he did with Kageyama but like I'm pretty sure you don't need that. And even if you did, you could honestly just say it to him, and I'm sure it would all be fine."

Yamaguchi knows Hinata is right. He does. He knows that this could easily be cleared up with some healthy communication and maybe he could even tell him that he appreciates the pet names. But Yamaguchi also knows his best friend turned boyfriend, and he knows that if he were to do so it would just ruin the effort for Tsukishima. He knows that the blond wouldn't be able to use the pet names without feeling manipulative, as if he was buying Yamaguchi's affections. And even though Yamaguchi knows that couldn't be farther than the truth- some feelings can't be fixed- even by the ones you love most. 

"Yeah you're right Hinata. I just was.. thinking about it is all. They were mostly silly little ideas, but I just thought it would be nice. I mean..." Yamaguchi pauses, seriously weighing the pros and cons of saying what he's about to say before decided to screw it and say it anyways "I mean I really like the pet names and so I keep thinking that I want to do something for him that makes him feel the same way I do for him. I know that seems silly and counterproductive and maybe even a little desperate."

The bell rings signaling the boys to head back to their designated classrooms. Hinata stands and brushes off the crumbs from his school uniform before looking up at Yamaguchi with a determined look in his eyes. 

"It doesn't sound like any of those things Yama. It just sounds like you care about him. And I think anything you choose to do would be good because it's you who's doing it."

On the walk back Yamaguchi puts two star emojis by a certain idea on his list.

_________________________________

Contrary to what he thought during his conversation with Hinata the two boys actually do end up talking to that. Notably, in no way was this Yamaguchi's plan. The plan was to just watch a movie- some penguin documentary Tsukishima has seen a hundred times but it still able to rope Yamaguchi into watching with him again because unbeknownst to him, Yamaguchi is so very weak to the way Tsukishima quotes his favorite parts in his mock serious narrator voice.

It's mere minutes after they finish the documentary when it starts. They're both laying in bed with the lights off, tucked under the layered covers in Tsukishima's frankly over air conditioned house. They started off laying side by side looking up at the ceiling but somehow they both ended up turning to lay on their sides looking at each other's faces in the mask of darkness. Yamaguchi's head is cradled in a much too plush pillow by his standards, and the moonlight from the bedroom window drips inside and seems to swirl in the blond boy's eyes before him like a summer storm and Yamaguchi aches. He never feels the tears stream down his eyes, only the gentle fingers of the boy of his heart wiping them away. 

"You're crying Yama…why are you crying?" 

Yamaguchi doesn't know how to tell him without sounding completely insane. How can he tell him that he's crying because he loves him? That he’s crying because Yamaguchi had spent countless hours studying every constellation in the sky, he's memorized their opaque hues and the ebbs and dips of their shapes. That he can draw out Andromeda right here and he can name every moon of Neptune but none of that even compares to the shine in Tsukishima's eyes. That every great astronomer in history could be gathered right here, right now, in this tiny bedroom in the Japanese countryside and they would all surely agree that eons of cosmos have no hold on the blond boy before him. That if anything, they were created in his likeness. 

"I love you so much, it hurts . I don't know why it hurts. I know you love me too, but sometimes I feel like the feelings I have for you live a life of their own."

Yamaguchi isn't sure if that makes any sense. His mind feels jumbled and hazy and the soft puffs of breath on his cheek from Tsukishima are not helping him regain clarity in the slightest. But none of that matters anyways because Tsukishima smiles that crooked smile and leans in to kiss Yamaguchi on the nose once, and then twice, before leaning back to look into his eyes again. 

"I know the feeling. Sometimes I'll listen to you tell a story, or watch you water plants in the garden, or feel your little snores when you fall asleep against me during a movie and it feels like I'm falling in love all over again in the span of seconds."

"Exactly! It's so strong. I thought the feelings would mellow out after we started dating but it's like a never ending appetite. Like I can eat each day away and never feel full. Do you ever feel full?"

Tsukishima traces his finger down the bridge of Yamaguchi's nose while he furrows his brow thinking his question over. He's made his third round trip journey when he finally answers. 

"Sometimes I do. When I realize I can touch and say things to you I held myself back from doing before. And sometimes I don't. When I discover a whole new list of things I want with you."

"What kind of things?"

" Oh I don't know Yamaguchi ,” Tsukishima breathes out the words, “So many things. I can hardly even begin to name them."

"Please?" He must have a face when he says that because Tsukishima turns to stuff his face in his pillow and a muffled sound expels like a release of steam from an engine. He lifts his face back up and his cheeks are red, red, red and his smile is bright enough to put Casseopia to shame.

"Goddd, you have to use that sparingly. I'm serious, don't laugh! You could have asked me for anything just now and I would have given it to you. I'm actually scared for the future greater good of humanity."

"You still haven't answered the question."

"Yes, yes I'm getting to that. Just thought I'd be a good samaritan and give you a fair warning before you decide to invoke mass destruction." 

Tsukishima turns back over so he's laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling like it's a movie of his memories. 

"I want to shop for home appliances with you. Like terrible stuff too, matching dinosaur mugs and unnecessary throw pillows with the constellations you love. I want to wake up every morning in a bed that smells like you. I want to go on long car rides at night and sit and listen to the rain hit the windows. I want to listen to you rant about your coworkers and I want to add my two cents on the juicy gossip. I want to wander around new cities and try food that we both end up hating but laugh about every time we bring up the memory. I want ice cream at midnight and buying you goofy cat socks that you'll say you hate but you actually wear them all the time. I want little moments, big moments, sad moments, happy moments, angry moments, kissing moments, I just want all the moments with you, past, present, and future." Tsukishims turns to look at Yamaguchi with a face that's so serious you would think he was giving him math homework answers instead of declaring his love for the boy. 

"I've really thought about it, did the theoretical math and all that." He breathes out a breath that Yamguchi didn't know he was holding,  reaching out a hand to cup against Yamaguchi's cheek with a reverence that makes him feel like a cherished prince, "And after plentiful research and experimentation I concluded that I could live a thousand lifetimes with you… and it still wouldn't be enough for me. I would always want more."

Yamaguchi reaches out to grasp Tsukishima's hand from where it's resting on his cheek, squeezing tight as he says, "Me too. I would always want more with you too."

Yamaguchi isn't sure when they fall asleep, but he's sure that when they do they're holding hands because in the morning they're still intertwined. 

_________________________________

As it turns out, hot glue is accurate to its name. 

Yamaguchi learns this from the incessant gluing he's been doing for his boyfriend in order to set his plan to love him more in motion. 

It had been four hours since he had gotten home from school and he had spent the entirety of those hours gluing various photographs of Tsukki and him onto an old string of Christmas fairy lights his mother had hiding away in a box. Each color twinkling in a soft shade of green and Yamaguchi knows it's perfect . The other night he had spent hours going through pictures from childhood to now, picking out the ones with the strongest memories and happiest moments. He originally wasn’t sure what he was going to do with them, but after his late night conversation with Tsukishima he couldn't be more sure. He’s going to make a timeline of them together, and he’s to give it to Tsukki the next time they hang out at his house and say;

" You told me you wanted past present and future with me and this is me promising it to you. Past photos, present photos, and empty space for the future ." 

It's incredibly sappy but Yamaguchi knows Tsukishima will love it. He might even cry. 

So the burning pads of his fingers mean nothing as he continues to attach picture after picture, along with little tiny dinosaur and constellation stickers along the thick wire holding the project together. 

His grandma walks in while he's more than halfway done and has unfortunately glued a stegosaurus to his thumb. 

"You've been working up here all day honey, thought you might like some tea." 

Yamaguchi stops flapping his hand to get the glued dinosaur off and reaches his hand out to take the tea glass she's offering. 

"Thanks Grandma, that's really nice of you."

She moves to sit on his bed, watching him work at his desk. 

"So what is it you're working on here?"

Yamaguchi doesn't know what to tell her. He knows his grandma loves him and he's been wanting to tell her about his blooming relationship for months but a part of him has always held back. 

She continues through his silence. "Is this some type of love confession to Tsukishima? You know I hardly think you have to go through all the trouble considering the way that boy looks at you but I understand. You know your grandpa once wrote me a letter every day and even pressed his own flowers to add to each one. I thought it was rather dorky in the beginning, but it grew on me. After the fourth letter he even added the meanings of the fl-"

"You knew?!?"

Yamaguchi feels like he's about to have a heart attack, or faint, or both.

"Knew what dear? That you loved your best friend? Well yes, we all know. And not that it matters but I knew first , and you remember that! No matter what kind of nonsense your grandfather might tell you."

"And you're okay with it, you all are?"

"Oh my baby of course we are. You're our precious Yams, of course we're happy that you're happy. And even more so that it's with someone as kind and good as that Tsukishima boy. You don't have to worry about us dear, we're plenty happy with you, just as you are ."

Yamaguchi could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He wonders what he did in his past life to deserve to be loved by so many good people. 

"Grandma, actually…Tsukki and I are already dating. Well we have been, for a while now. four months to be exact. This gift is not really a confession gift, it's more like an anniversary gift."

His grandma looks at him thoughtfully. Her big doe eyes that he inherited glowing back at him ruefully. 

"Well then I take back what I said before you definitely need to give him a gift, all good boyfriend's do on anniversaries."

Yamaguchi smiles at her, he almost feels guilty for doubting her. She's only ever shown him so much love and kindness, he feels bad for assuming she would show him anything else. He feels his eyes plump with unshed tears. 

"And Yams?"

"Yes grandma?" He asked while bringing his tea up for a sip, fighting back the happy sobs he feels racking up his throat. 

"Thank you for telling me sweetheart. It was very brave and I'm proud of you…but also.. you just made your grandma 8,000 yen richer."

Yamaguchi chokes on his tea, cursing his epiglottis for not doing its one job. His airy cough fills the room as his grandma continues.

"And you know what sweetheart, you can make your grandma even richer by telling me that you're the one who confessed first right? Grandma knows you best, it's only natural."

It takes a solid minute of his grandma patting his back before he's able to answer without wheezing. 

"Actually grandma Tsukki confessed first." 

"I see. Well I guess I only won 5,000 yen, I can't believe your grandpa bested me. What was it? Did he ask you out on a date or something?"

"He gave me a book of love poems he wrote for me."

"Love poems?! No for sure no one had love poems in the bet pool, I'm definitely coming away with at least 5,000. That's enough to get a new pair of slippers, maybe even two..." She mumbles the last part while leaving, closing the door behind her in a solid click. 

Yamaguchi shakes his head fondly at the moment. Leave it to his family to make bets on his love life before he even comes out. 

Nevertheless, Yamaguchi spent the next couple of hours smiling as he continued gluing the pieces, burns or not. 

_________________________________

There's something about Tsukishima right after a shower that Yamaguchi believes scientists should study at haste. Yamaguchi can't ever really seem to put his finger on exactly what it is but he can describe it as this.

When Tsukishima gets out of the shower, always at night before bed, he has a glow about him. His shoulders are relaxed and his hair is toweled dry into tufts of gold. His cheeks are always extra pink after showers too since he prefers to have the water borderline scolding. His hands will look so soft and pink and perfect and Yamaguchi will want hold them so badly. His eyes always look sleepy and his pajamas will be on, some nerdy dinosaur t-shirt his older brother got him and soft cotton pants with socks. 

It takes everything in Yamaguchi not to forgo the gift he brought over in a box and just lay down and cuddle with him until they fall asleep. 

He must have been staring for too long because Tsukishima finishes towel drying his hair and walks over to the brunette with a cheeky grin. 

"What's wrong sweetheart? Don't get me wrong I like the attention but if you keep undressing me with your eyes I might catch cold."

Yamaguchi reaches over to swat at the blond's shoulder as said boy doubles over laughing at his own joke. 

"God you're such a dork who even says stuff like that. I might catch cold. There's no way you just said that to me. I can't believe you, maybe you're getting too comfortable."

"Awww come on, you have to admit it was a good one. I'm not gonna lie, I'm impressed with myself."

"It's cheesy just like you."

"Sharp or cheddar?"

Yamaguchi stares at in flabbergasted silence before Tsukishima bursts out laughing between wheezed out apologies.

"Sorry sorry. I mean you walked into that one though, you have to admit it." Tsukishima says as he finishes towel drying his hair. The yellow tufts now softer and fluffy. 

"Wow I'm dating a comedian. What's up with you tonight, this might the most you've ever joked around."

Tsukishima's laugh has calmed to a quiet huff of air as he moves to sit on the bed next to Yamaguchi. His eyes are crinkled up so fondly and Yamaguchi can't help but reach out to trace the lines. Tsukishima closes his eyes as he lets him.

"I don't know… I guess I'm just really happy today. We had a good day. We went to that park and ate ice cream, and then came here to watch movies with the house to ourselves. We even made dinner together and did the dishes. I just- it just…it just feels like it was a glimpse into our future . Sharing a domestic life like this, just the two of us."

"Domestic life." Yamaguchi parrotes the words, tasting them on his tongue. "I have something for you." he says.

Tsukishima looks over at Yamaguchi eyes going wide.

"It isn't my birthday." He states simply, because Yamaguchi knows that was the only time his parents really gave him and his brother gifts. 

"I know. It's not meant to be for any special reason. I just wanted to give you something." The words are a gross understatement to the depth of the feelings behind Yamaguchi's intention but he's still saving his practiced line for when Tsukishima actually opens it so as not to spoil it before. 

Yamaguchi stands up from the bed and walks over to the box lying by his overnight bag and he brings it over to Tsukishima. Gently placing it on his lap. 

"I was going to wrap it but the store was out of wrapping paper. And the gift bags they had weren't big enough so I had to go with this box. 

"I can see that." Tsukishima says smiling as his fingers stroke the lettering on the side. A thick sprawl saying Best Catch Fish Farm. "Are you going to tell me what this is for?" 

Yamaguchi shakes his head. "That kinda defeats the whole purpose of the box Tsukki."

"Because it would spoil it?" Tsukishima asks in a way that sounds more like a statement than a question. 

"Because it would spoil it" Yamaguchi affirms.

Tsukishima carefully picks at the fruit stickers closing the lid of the box that Yamguchi usually uses to decorate his calculator for school. A thick bundle of grapes at one end and round shiny orange at the other. 

"The store also didn't have tape…and I ran out." Yamaguchi explains. Tsukishima just nods, biting his lower lip in an attempt that Yamaguchi can only assume is to hold back laughter. 

He carefully removes the stickers, sticking them onto his arms for later relocation, and then opens the lid to see the sprinkle of fairy lights and photographs. He pulls them out and holds the ends in each hand, spreading his arms out to their full wingspan to see the entirety of them. 

Now! This is the time to say it. 

" Y-You said before that you wanted a past, present, and future with me. So this is me promising it to you. With pictures of us, past, present, and a spot for the future we'll have together one day." It's not exactly what he planned to say- what he memorized and repeated in the mirror the couple of days leading up to this. But it's still good, and honest, and real and that's all Yamaguchi ever wanted anyway. 

Tsukishima doesn't say anything for a while. He just stares at the pictures with a look on his face Yamaguchi can't decipher. And he's practically made it his job over the years to decipher them. 

"You made love tangible for me." He says, and it takes a good minute for Yamaguchi to process the words they're so unexpected.

He looks down at the lights and sits up to grab one end and plug it into a nearby outlet. The lights glow green in Tsukishima’s room and reflect off his eyes in emerald glimmers. 

“Yeah. Because you make love feel tangible for me.” He says. And if he ever had any doubts that Tsukishima was anything less than a genius he didn’t now, because the blond had managed to find a word to describe the exact feeling Yamaguchi was working with these last few months. To describe exactly what Yamaguchi wanted to gift back to Tsukishima.

_________________________________

The rest of the night is filled with mumbled thank you’s from Tsukishima as he makes it a mission to kiss every freckle on Yamaguchi’s face and it might just be the green fairy light next to them but Yamaguchi feels like he’s glowing.

He thinks of the nervous little boy who was pushed around on the playground. He thinks of the dull pain from the scrap on his knee and the never-ending feeling that softness was not only unattainable, but odd to crave. And he looks at this boy, his best friend, his confidant, his gardening partener, his team-mate, his childhood friend, and his one and only love. 

And like the same clusters of stars that blanketed the dinosaurs, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima shined into infinity.

_________________________________