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You were dreaming of the human realm when there was a sudden knock at your door, startling you out of your sleep. Mentally groaning, you reach for your D.D.D., it’s brightness nearly blinding you in your dark room. 3:12 A.M. You had only been asleep for an hour, tossing and turning while nervously thinking about exams coming up.
You turn on the small lamp by your bedside, throwing your comforter to the side and wobble to the door. Whoever this was, waking you at three in the morning, better have a good explanation. You had an important test in the morning, and you’d be screwed in the class if you didn’t make a decent grade.
All your negative thoughts dissipate as you hear your name being called from the other side of the door. You recognize that voice. Immediately, you open the door to a bleak-eyed Asmodeus. Tears stream down his face, his lower lip quivering, and you swear you hear your heart shattering on the floor as it falls down through your stomach.
“Asmo, what’s wrong?” You ask, trying not to sound panicked. However, in all honesty, you were quite anxious seeing the sight in front of you. Asmodeus was not one to be down, much less come to your door crying in the middle of the night. You could only assume this was serious.
“I-” he starts, but quickly silences himself upon his voice cracking in pain.
You shake your head, grabbing his hand and gently pulling him into your bedroom. “Come in, Asmo.”
Gingerly, you guide him to your bed, opening the comforters and motioning him to climb in. Without hesitation, he settles in, with you following right behind him. You pull the warm blanket over both of you, opening your arms, allowing him to position himself in the crook of your neck. You embrace him, and suddenly, you feel him trembling against you. He was crying again.
“Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you, sweetheart?” You question the demon. You consider that maybe he just needed a shoulder to cry on rather than discussing his feelings, as sometimes you do yourself.
Asmodeus, besides his quiet sobs, is silent for a few minutes, and you push no further. You trust that he would talk when he’s ready, if he so chooses to elaborate on what’s bothering him. However, you cannot push away the nauseous feeling in the pit of your stomach. This was so unlike the Avatar of Lust that you know very well and have grown to love. Sure, people may deem him a drama queen, and while you don’t necessarily disagree with that description, this situation feels different. You can almost feel the ache he was bearing in his heart. In return, it causes your own to ache in a familiar way.
“Do- do you…” the demon begins, tears threatening to spill again. You look down at him with a gentle expression, wiping the tears from his eyes. You patiently hold him close, stroking his soft hair until he’s able to gain his composure to the best of his ability.
“Do you think anyone will ever love me?” He finally manages to speak, his voice meek and trembling.
Your hand stops in its tracks. What?
“Dear, what do you mean?” You carefully ask, not wanting to make him further upset.
“It’s just… I don’t know, I- I just can’t imagine someone would love me,” Asmodeus says bitterly, face still buried in your neck. You cringe at the statement, knowing your heart was full with nothing but love for the demon you were holding close to your body.
“What’s got you thinking these things, sweetheart? Did someone say something to you? Do I need to kick their fucking-”
Asmodeus sniffles and laughs gently at the idea of you protecting him. It made his heart ache slightly less.
“I don’t know. It’s just…” He sighs, looking up at you. “I have this image, you know? That I believe I’m the most beautiful thing in all three worlds, that anyone should consider themselves lucky to lay their eyes on me. I’m the Avatar of Lust, and of course I love that about myself, but…” Asmodeus begins choking up again. “There’s more to me than just that, right?”
You can’t help but feel a lump in your throat at his question. You would have never guessed that out of all seven brothers, Asmodeus would be the one crying to you, doubting his worth. You continue running your hands through his hair, rubbing his back gently.
“Asmo, you are so much more than your sin. You are incredibly dear to me, and to many others too. Your brothers may not show it very well, but they love you, and would do anything for you.”
You hold him closer as you continue, “Do you know how many times I’ve come to you when I’m down, and each time you helped immensely? Remember doing my makeup when I felt hideous, and running me a bath when I fell sick from stress? And do you remember holding me for hours when I found out my dog from the human realm passed away? You are so kind, Asmo. You care tremendously for those you love. It shows in the way you bring home new fingernail polish for me, ask Mammon to go shopping with you, invite Beel to his favorite restaurant for dinner, and even when you feign interest in whatever new book Satan is reading.”
Asmo smiles gently against you, and you slowly feel the tension from his body subsiding.
“Not to mention, I find you hilarious. Listen, as much as I also love Mammon, your retorts to his insults have me in tears sometimes. And you’re smart. Sure, Satan may be the genius out of the seven of you, but you’ve helped me study for school countless times. You have a number of stunning qualities my dear, and many of them have nothing to do with your lust. Sure, that may be a staple of your identity, given that you are the Avatar of Lust, but never forget that’s not all you are. You’re simply Asmodeus. No one can tell you who you are or who to be except yourself. It took me a long time to realize this myself. And the person that you are is very lovable.”
The demon in your arms puts his face back into the space between your neck and shoulder. He lets out a content sigh, calming down from his previous state. You have no doubt the melancholic feelings still lingered within him, but to a lesser extent.
You both lie in comfortable silence, allowing him to take in words that you’re not sure anyone has ever told him in thousands of years. It tears you apart, and you cannot help but wonder if Simeon’s words during your retreat have anything to do with Asmodeus’ current state. You could only assume the angel meant no harm, but perhaps Asmodeus took it to heart. Maybe he already held these insecurities in his heart, and Simeon brought them to the surface.
Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter, because Asmodeus looks up at you with gentle, glistening yellow eyes, smiling ever so slightly. He removes his arm from your waist, bringing his hand up to tenderly cup your cheek. Your face burns at the contact, a small blush forming, and you feel a familiar squeezing feeling in your chest.
“Thank you,” he whispers, gazing into your eyes. The coil in your chest grows tighter.
“No need to thank me. I simply speak the truth. I adore you, every part of you, Asmo. Fuck what anyone else has to say about you, or what your brain tries convincing you. I think you’re…” you trail off.
Perfect, was what you wanted to say. But you’re stubborn. Inside your head, thoughts spin like a tornado. Asmodeus and you were no strangers to physical touch as the demon seemed to lack any sort of boundaries regarding it. However, this particular time, your body feels like it’s on fire.
“Can I stay here tonight? With you?” He asks quietly. You feel the chain around your heart tighten once again.
“Of course,” you mumble against his hair. “Anything for you.”
Humming in contentment, Asmodeus snuggles against your chest, allowing you to continue holding him in your warm embrace. It isn’t long until you hear small snores coming from below you. You look down, smiling and wondering if the demon is even aware that he snores. He would scoff, claiming that there was no way that he would snore, that you were clearly lying to him. Affection erupts from inside you, and you can’t help but tighten your hold on the sleeping figure.
The feeling is bittersweet. You recognize it from past relationships, but this time, the emotion is increased tenfold. It’s almost painful. You feel tears prick at your eyes, although you’re not sure why.
‘You don’t have time for your feelings right now,’ you tell yourself, reminding yourself of the important test in the morning. You reach to turn off the lamp by your bedside, careful not to wake the precious demon sleeping on you.
You turn to face the ceiling, room suddenly dark and seemingly mournful. The coil in your chest has disappeared, leaving an empty feeling resembling a black hole. Rubbing your eyes, you reiterate to yourself that you really need to be sleeping. However, the intense void in your heart was bothering you.
Asmodeus, the brother you desired with your whole being, was sleeping in your arms. Shouldn’t you be happy that he came to you in such a vulnerable state and decided to stay with you for the night? You ponder the idea that he felt safe in your presence despite being an incredibly powerful demon himself.
Shaking your head as to shake the thoughts that wracked your brain, you close your eyes. Asmodeus was here, with you. Even if you couldn’t have him, tonight he was in your care.
That was enough for you.