Work Text:
I am the very model of a hobbit horticulturist
I've pruning sheers and grubbers and a garden dibber in my fist,
I know the names of insects and diseases such as tater cyst,
From silver scurf to early blight I've scores of fungi on my list;
I'm dazzlingly familiar with the species likely to resist
The most persistent pathogenic mycoplasmas in our midst,
For multi-purpose fungicides I'm bursting with a lot of plans
To do away with bottom rot and disinfect my frying pans.
I understand the purpose of a narrow bladed potting trowel,
I know the most attractive breeds of ornamental garden fowl
I'm short and with an upper lip designed by nature to be kissed,
I am the very model of a hobbit horticulturist.
I know a bit of nonsense verse about solanum alkaloids,
If I recite it one more time I fear I'll soon be unemployed,
My master says it doesn't come within my job parameters,
He should be glad it's not trochaic meter or pentameters.
I can tell a purple foxglove from a larkspur or delphinium,
The common name for Tropaeolum majus is 'nasturtium',
The master's term is Frenchified, he clearly doesn't have a clue
About Linnaean botany or native florae of Peru.
Instead I'll sing two verses of 'The Road Goes Ever On and On',
Although I'm prone to bashfulness unless expressly called upon,
I'm short and with an upper lip designed by nature to be kissed,
I am the very model of a hobbit horticulturist.
In fact, though I know what is meant by suillus and mycophile,
And I can tell an amanita from a puffball at a mile,
I'm curiously uninformed on matters amatorial,
Perhaps my master'd be inclined to give me a tutorial.
My skill at parsing sections of the Quenta Silmarillion
Is rivalled by my memory for names like Galathilion,
If Frodo were acquainted with my talents as a linguist
He'd know this hobbit horticulturist is worthy to be kissed.
My amorous potential, though I'm lusty and obedient,
Was sadly overlooked for what the Gaffer thought expedient,
I'm short and with an upper lip designed by nature to be kissed,
I am the very model of a hobbit horticulturist.