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It was the first time Oikawa would be going to the Tokyo pride. He had waited until college to go to one. Since he lived with his parents – and the city was a little one – he did not want to be recognized either by his classmates or adults he might know. He had been used to staying in the closet, so he just made do with it until his nineteenth year. He was still afraid and had wanted to back out before arriving at the demonstration. But when he saw all those flags, all those colours, and all those people, he felt so brave. He was supposed to be in town with some of his friends, but he told them he had something to do. He lied to them – and he did not felt proud about it – but it was for the best. When he arrived in college, he made new friends, who knew nothing about him, and he did not want to come out just yet. Maybe in a year or two, when he knew their exact position on queer people.
Silently, Oikawa made his way through the crowd. He was there alone but had to find some people to stay with. It was his chance to meet other people like him, some people he could be himself around. In his mind, it felt like a dream. Was it possible for him to be openly gay around other people? He searched for some people who would not stand out that much. His eyes scanned the crowd before stopping on a brunet person. They looked approximately the same age as Oikawa, maybe a little bit younger though. He walked to them and gently tapped their shoulder. The person turned around and arched an eyebrow. Oikawa suddenly felt shy.
“Hum, I’m sorry but I went here alone and I was wondering if I could stay with you?” His fingers were playing with the hem of his t-shirt.
“Of course! First time?” Oikawa nodded and they smiled. “I’m Yahaba and I go by he/him, what about you?”
“I’m Oikawa, and I use he/him as well. Thank you.”
Oikawa smiled at him and stayed pretty close to him. There were many people and his last wish was to lose Yahaba in the crowd. Music was already playing but it was drowned in people’s chatters and laughs. Yahaba suddenly waved his hand above his face, and Oikawa wondered what he was doing. Until another person came to them. They had short blond hair with two black lines going from one ear to the other. Quite original and beautiful. But the glare they shot at Oikawa sent shivers down his spine.
“Kyoutani! You finally made it!” Yahaba said, intertwining his fingers with theirs. He then turned to Oikawa to introduce him. “His name is Oikawa, it’s his first time at pride, be nice to him, please.” As an answer, they nodded to him.
“Welcome.” Their voice was softer than their looks. “As he said, I’m Kyoutani and I go by they/them.”
Oikawa nodded his head back and smiled. He felt like the day would be a good day. He felt like those two people were going to change his life. When the crowd started to move, Kyoutani suggested exchanging phone numbers, in case they lost each other and even to hang out some other times. Yahaba teased them about it.
“When I say be nice to him I never thought you’d be this nice.” He laughed. “Try to be like that every day.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
And the brunet laughed the words away. It seemed like it was their usual, and their weird relationship made Oikawa think about his own with Iwaizumi, his childhood friend. They always were bickering and teasing each other, but they both knew none of it was serious. The difference was that Yahaba and Kyoutani were out to each other when Oikawa never said a thing. He was quite proud of himself, for hiding his interest in men for so long, but also for hiding his crush on his best friend for all of those years. Iwaizumi was not Oikawa’s first love, but he was the most recent and the longest one. Oikawa was convinced he could never confess, he thought it would ruin their friendship. Because if he spoke his feelings out loud, not only would he be rejected, but he would also lose his best friend too, and he could not afford that.
The frown on Oikawa’s face must have been noticed by Yahaba because the man nudged his arm. When Oikawa looked at him, he smiled. He then remembered that where nothing could happen to him where he was, that he was with people who accepted him and did not care a little bit about who he loved. For the first time, he allowed himself to feel as free as possible. And even though he knew prides were made for queer people to have the same rights as straight people, Oikawa felt overjoyed. Came a time when one of the organisers asked for people to kiss or hug the person next to them. And while Yahaba and Kyoutani were making out with each other, Oikawa found himself hugging a complete stranger. He knew nothing about them – just that they were lesbian according to the colours on their cheeks – but felt closer to them than with any of his friends, just because he felt loved at this very moment. He even was offered a rainbow flag. And he smiled because he felt so proud, but at the same time, he knew the flag would end up in his closet, with himself. He still was unsure of coming out or not, and he did not want his friends to see it if they were to come uninvited. The worst scenario would be them questioning him about the flag. If Oikawa wanted to come out, it would come from him, he did not want to feel pressured.
After about an hour, Oikawa was still singing with his two new friends when his eyes met familiar ones. Iwaizumi’s. He immediately stopped walking and panic made his heartbeat speed up. There was no way Iwaizumi had not understood the situation. Gripping on his backpack, Oikawa started to run the opposite way of his best friend, he was praying to lose him in the crowd. He only had the time to hear his name being yelled by Yahaba before blocking everything from him. He would have to apologize to them later. But for the moment, he had to think about himself and how he was going to get out of this mess he put himself into.
As for Iwaizumi, it was an understatement to say that he was surprised to see his best friend at a pride. Oikawa had never talked to him about things like that. Had he been afraid to come out? As if Iwaizumi was any better. He had always hidden the fact that he was bisexual and non-binary to his best friend. He was planning to, but every time he wanted to, he thought about losing Oikawa. He was willing to wait a bit more. But if he knew that Oikawa was queer too, he would have never hesitated to come out. From the moment he knew it he would have screamed it from the top of his lungs, just for Oikawa not to feel alone anymore. But now was too late, Oikawa was running from him, avoiding him. Was it too late to fix all of this?
Oikawa had turned off his notifications and locked himself up in his apartment. The way to it was the worst he had ever made. He was feeling so panicked but gave his all to at least appear calm and composed. But the moment he stepped into his flat, tears burst out and Oikawa had to press his hands on his mouth to silence his sobs. He never wanted to go out ever again. What shame would he be feeling when he saw Iwaizumi again; if he ever wanted to see him again, if he wasn’t too disgusted. He still forced himself to move from the floor and change into more comfortable clothes before slipping under his blankets, in his bed. He pressed his pillow too tight against his chest, hoping to feel a little bit of warmth, something, anything, that could help him calm down. But nothing seemed to work. Not the blankets surrounding him, nor the pillow. The only remedy seemed to be time. Maybe Oikawa would be able to think straight again after a few hours of sleep. But no sleep came to him. He just cried and cried, the tears never seeming to stop. It got dark outside but Oikawa did not care. He could not sleep but was too exhausted to do anything. It only was when the sun was starting to rise again that Oikawa’s eyelid felt too heavy for him to keep them open. He read 6 AM on his alarm clock before finally falling asleep. He just wished for the next day to be better and for his night to give him strength.
None of his prayers had been heard because Oikawa felt as bad in the morning as when he fell asleep. The difference was that his tears had stopped. He was sure his eyes were swollen and red. But he did not plan on seeing anyone, so he did not care. He got up and walked to his bathroom, avoiding his reflection in front of him. He flinched when he felt cold water on his face but continue to wash it anyway. He was so relieved that university had already ended because he did not know if he would have the strength to go and listen to a lecture right now. He then walked to his kitchen and took an empty bottle that he filled with tap water. Even though he did not want to take care of himself – or to just do the bare minimum – he knew that taking care of his plants would help him release some pressure and think about something else. He never allowed himself to take less care of his plants just because of how he felt. It was a way for Oikawa to keep a connection with reality. He knew he would be fine, may it be in a few days or next week, and he would never forgive himself for neglecting his plants. Walking on his little balcony, Oikawa admired the colourful flowers. He shared the water according to each plant’s needs. The sun was warm on his skin like a soft touch and Oikawa allowed himself to relieved his tensed muscles. He had taken the habit to talk to his plants, telling them about his day and his insecurities. He knew he wouldn’t get an answer, but it felt good nonetheless.
As he expected, he felt a tiny bit better and felt the strength to turn his notifications on again to apologize to Yahaba and Kyoutani. When he did, he saw that the brunet had already sent a few messages the day prior. He also saw that his best friend did as well, but chose not to open them. He had managed to be in a better mood, it was not for Iwaizumi to crash it all up.
From: Yahaba
To: Oikawa
>> Hey Oikawa, what happened? Are you all good?
>> I guess not, that was silly to ask, but if you want to talk about it I’m here, alright? I know we’re not that close but please feel free to text me whenever you need it. You can reach out to Kyoutani, too. He won’t bite, I swear.
>> Either way, take care of yourself!
Oikawa could not help himself and smiled at his screen. Yahaba was such a sweet boy, Oikawa thanked himself for tapping his shoulder the day prior. He decided to type an answer. After all, he and Kyoutani deserved some explanations.
From: Oikawa
To: Yahaba
>> Hey, Yahaba. I’m not promising anything but thanks for the offer, really. Someone saw me yesterday and he wasn’t supposed to see me at pride so I just kinda freaked out and ran away, haha. But I’m doing fine though. Thank Kyoutani for me too, you’re both very sweet to me.
He put his phone on the table and turned to his cupboards, reaching for a bowl and some cereal. It already was past noon, but since he hadn’t woken up for breakfast, Oikawa felt like he deserved this little attention. He was pouring some milk when he heard his phone vibrate against the wooden table and turned to see Yahaba’s new message.
From: Yahaba
To: Oikawa
>> I’m glad to hear that. I hope things go well between you two. He came up to us and asked if we knew you, he said he heard me call your name. But I didn’t say a thing. Kyoutani says hi, by the way.
Oikawa felt bad for Yahaba and Kyoutani. What if Iwaizumi called them slurs or judged them? They never talked about queer people to each other so he had no idea of his best friend’s thoughts about the community. It could have been dangerous for both Yahaba and Kyoutani.
From: Oikawa
To: Yahaba
>> Sorry he went to you, I hope he didn’t do nor said anything inappropriate. Thank you again, it was the best thing to do. I’ll talk to him when I feel like it.
From: Yahaba
To: Oikawa
>> If you know he won’t accept you, don’t go and hurt yourself. But if you’re not sure, try your luck. He looked kind of worried for you.
The last sentence was stuck in Oikawa’s mind. Worried? Why would he be worried about him? Was he worried about him being queer or was he worried because he saw him run off? Oikawa guessed that the only way to know was to go and check Iwaizumi’s texts. Plus, Yahaba was right, he had to try. He knew nothing of his best friend’s position, and if it didn’t turn out well, he’ll just cut ties with him. It would be painful but less painful than seeing disgust in his eyes whenever they would see each other. Oikawa clicked on the discussion with his best friend where unread texts were awaiting him.
From: Iwaizumi
To: Oikawa
>> I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I don’t hate you Tooru, please don’t think that I do. You never said anything to me about that but I swear to God I don’t hate you.
>> I understand if you don’t want to talk to me right now. If I knew you were queer I would’ve come out to you the moment I knew. Take your time and take care of yourself, Tooru.
Everything came to a stop in Oikawa’s head. ‘I would’ve come out to you’. Was Iwaizumi queer too? He had to be or he would have never said that. There was no misunderstanding, right? Oikawa felt the urge to call Iwaizumi, to tell him he didn’t hate him, that he wasn’t mad at him.
From: Oikawa
To: Iwaizumi
>> No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run away like that. You don’t know how glad I am to know that you don’t hate me.
>> Do you want to come over? So that we can talk about it.
Oikawa had hesitated before sending the second message. But he thought that it would better than just talking through message or over the phone. He quickly sent a message to Yahaba, thanking him and telling him that it was working out between him and his best friend. A text came in but it was from Iwaizumi.
From: Iwaizumi
To: Oikawa
>> You were right to get scared, Tooru, I don’t blame you for that.
>> I’ll be here in 20? I just have to take care of something really quick and I’ll be there.
From: Oikawa
To: Iwaizumi
>> Perfect, see you then.
Suddenly, Oikawa felt nervous. Although it was his best friend – who he knew since elementary school – the situation was so different. But the nervousness sort of felt good. Because he knew nothing bad was about to happen. Iwaizumi had used his given name – which he used only when he was utterly serious about something – and that was enough of evidence of his honesty. While waiting for him, Oikawa decided to change his clothes and wash his face again. His reflection wasn’t as bad as he had expected but it still was visible that he had seen better days.
The twenty minutes had passed faster than Oikawa expected because he received a text from Iwaizumi saying he was waiting in front of the building’s entrance. He unlocked it and waited by his front door. His heart was starting to race and Oikawa didn’t know what he was supposed to do with his fingers. He was so nervous. What was he even supposed to say when Iwaizumi would be in front of him? Oikawa felt like he forgot how to communicate properly. But a weak knock on the door woke him up and he hurriedly opened the door. He didn’t have to think about anything to say because he was tightly embraced by his best friend. The door shut itself and the two friends were in the entrance, hugging each other. Oikawa took his time before responding and circling Iwaizumi’s waist with his arms.
“I’m so, so, sorry Tooru.”
Those were the only words spoken. Oikawa didn’t want to speak because he didn’t trust his voice enough. He knew that the words would come out unsteady and that tears were not too far away from falling down his cheeks. But he felt so relieved to hear Iwaizumi, even though he had nothing to apologize for. A few minutes passed before the grips loosened. Oikawa instinctively took Iwaizumi’s hand in his own and led him to the living room. His cereal bowl was still waiting for him. Oikawa internally made a disgusted face because he knew the cereal wouldn’t be as good now that they were completely soaked. They both sat on the couch, Oikawa cross-legged.
“I’m so-”
“If you say that you’re sorry one more time I’m hitting you.” Oikawa cut him. “You’ve apologized enough for something I don’t even blame you for.”
“I know, but I don’t know what else to say.”
“Then tell me about this whole ‘If I knew I would’ve come out to you’ thing you threw at me earlier. Well, only if you’re comfortable enough.”
Iwaizumi took a deep breath and sat so he was facing Oikawa.
“Now that I know that you are queer I’m not afraid to tell you. I’m bisexual and non-binary. But I still use he/him pronouns. This is what I meant. I knew for a few years now but I never came out to anyone.”
“I’m proud of you, Hajime.” The words slipped out of Oikawa’s mouth without him knowing, but he was absolutely serious about them. “I also knew for a few years now, well middle school makes a little more than just a few years, but I’m gay.”
It felt weird to say it out loud and to be heard but it felt good, like a weight getting off of his shoulders.
“I’m so proud of you too, Tooru.”
Iwaizumi’s hand on Oikawa’s felt familiar and comforting. The words spoken were so soft, it was the complete opposite of a normal conversation between the two best friends. But it was good to, sometimes, have this sort of kindness. It soothed Oikawa more than he would have imagined. Thinking about Yahaba’s words again, Oikawa wondered if he could try his luck one more time.
“I think I have something else to tell you.” Oikawa said, looking at his bowl.
“You think?” Iwaizumi chuckled. “Go one, I’m all ears.”
“See, I had my first crush on a guy the last year of middle school but I managed to get over it.” He started, feeling nervous about what was coming next. “But when we entered high school, I may or may not have had a crush on you?” It certainly was an affirmation, but it sounded more like a question.
Carefully turning to see Iwaizumi’s face, Oikawa was facing a surprised and slightly flushed face.
“You had, or you have?” He spoke, his voice low.
“I have.” Oikawa answered, his voice even lower.
“Then I may, or may not, have a crush on you too.”
Oikawa’s face snapped so quickly Iwaizumi thought he might break his neck.
“Really? For real?” He asked, his eyes wide.
“Maybe, maybe not.” Iwaizumi said, feeling like teasing his friend.
“Oh come on. I confessed, just answer already.”
Oikawa crossed his arms on his chest and turned his face away. But he felt fingers on his neck and then soft lips on his right cheek.
“Then I do.” It only was above a whisper but Oikawa heard all of it clearly.
He felt heat on his cheeks but he couldn’t care less. He didn’t care if he was a blushing mess because his love was returned.
“Can I kiss my joyfriend, now?”
“Who said we were dating?”
“Hajime! You are insufferable.” He pouted and Iwaizumi only smiled wider. He then offered his lips.
“Here, they’re all yours.”
Oikawa felt like teasing back and only gave Iwaizumi a light peck. The confused look was definitely worth it. He threw his head back and laughed loudly. Iwaizumi, wanting revenge, decided to tickle him. Oikawa begged for him to stop, saying how much air his lungs were lacking and that Iwaizumi would have his death on his conscience. Finally, he stopped, but kept Oikawa close to him.
“You know what, I’m so glad you saw me yesterday. I went on an emotional roller coaster, but I’m glad.”
Iwaizumi snorted and kissed his boyfriend’s lips again. It felt so good and he knew that he was already getting used to it. And he knew Oikawa was thinking the same just be the look in his eyes when they parted. Losing a best friend to gain a boyfriend was the best decision Iwaizumi had ever taken. Well, it was all thanks to Oikawa's confession but he felt overjoyed nonetheless.