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No matter how unbothered he tried to seem, no matter how many characteristic cool looks he gave him, Neil could see how tense Andrew had become with the approach of Aaron’s trial. The Foxes were mostly confident of the outcome. With all the evidence and the witnesses, there was little doubt for them that Aaron wouldn’t be charged with anything in account of self-defence. It wouldn’t be the first time the system had failed one of them, but they were still confident and had promised they would be there to support him. Even if Aaron tried to play it as if he didn’t care, he clearly liked the idea of not being alone on that day.
Now, the trial was the next day and as they stayed in the city to avoid the drive in the morning, Andrew was sitting on the windowsill, smoking a cigarette, silent. It wasn’t a surprise, it wasn’t even weird for Andrew, and Neil would never ask him to open up about feelings he wasn’t sure Andrew could put into words just yet. Staring outside without actually looking anywhere, Andrew’s mind was far away anyway. He didn’t have a choice but to go tomorrow. He was a key witness in Aaron’s defence, as was Neil and some of the other foxes. He couldn’t protect his twin brother from jail like he had protected him from Tilda, but he could do his best, and he would. He would, even though he had little faith in systems that continued to fail him; the foster system and its wrong families, juvie, his medication. He had almost lost even Neil to a system that didn’t want to listen. Even before the eventual verdict, Andrew knew he would have to listen to a line-up of people, mostly Marines, giving character testimonies, praising someone who probably ended up in the last circle of Hell. He would have to face Cass and see her mourn that same guy, even after everything. He was bound to see her avoid looking at him, too afraid to face him, too sad to see the resemblance to her son’s killer on his face. He would face it like he’d learn to face everything else, but it wouldn’t be easy.
Neil, sitting on the couch nearby, trying to ignore Nicky’s texts, could see all of that tension in Andrew’s shoulders, and he couldn’t blame him. Even the thought of finding himself in a courtroom was uncomfortable for Neil and he couldn’t begin to imagine how Andrew dreaded it. There would be character witnesses and the testimonies of the actual witnesses, and which ones would be the hardest to hear, Neil didn’t know. He could still hear Andrew’s laugh after the fact in his nightmares, so the idea of having to recollect it all in enough details for the court iced his blood.
He stood up, slowly walked towards the window, stopping a few inches before, and leaned against the wall. Silence reigned for an instant as he observed Andrew looking out the window like he hadn’t noticed him.
“Can I hug you?” Neil asked after a short hesitation.
Andrew looked up from the knife he was playing with like he was ready to use it against that question. Although the question was usually followed by a hug which Andrew would not have accepted or liked, Neil didn’t move. Andrew froze for not even a second, wondering if Neil would be stupid enough to try it anyway. It was a yes or no question, and they were familiar with those. But usually, Andrew was the one asking it. Yes or no. Neil, much too afraid to push a boundary by simply asking, just let himself be guided and continually answered with a yes, understanding the need for the question. The fact that he even asked was a shock, and Andrew, for a split second, was scared that Neil would try to bypass a no. Because it was no. They were making progress, bit by bit, square inch by square inch, and only the inches Andrew was okay sparing to Neil, but this would be too much too soon. It was a no.
By now, Andrew should know better than to think Neil would betray his trust like that for such a trivial reason, but it wasn’t that simple, of course, it wasn’t. Neil could see it in the way Andrew froze and in the way his shoulders were still tense in the silence that followed Neil’s last few words. He didn’t move, though. He didn’t even make a move towards a hug while waiting for a yes, like he’d seen some people do. To be fair, Andrew’s stare would have deterred anyone’s attempt. It was mostly ire, like Neil expected from such a question, but he was sure he could also see a bit of incredulity, as if Andrew simply couldn’t believe Neil would think his answer would be anything other than a no.
That’s just it. Neil didn’t think Andrew would answer anything else. Had it been anyone else, the question could have been a valid one. He’d see how Matt would go for a hug when Dan was frustrated in their half-time breaks. He’d seen how it was Nicky’s way of showing comfort. He’d seen how Renee gave careful hugs to Allison, or really anyone who looked like they needed one. He’d felt Abby’s desperation when she hugged him. So, even though his mother’s hugs had mostly been for protection and not comfort, he understood them. It was an easy way to say I care about you, without having to say or commit to any actual words. Of course, for Andrew, a full body hug was out of the question. It would be more mortifying than comforting. The tension it would result in would probably make him pop something. But that wasn’t really Neil’s point. It wasn’t even really what he meant.
“No,” Neil answered his own question. “I know. I just wanted you to know.”
Andrew’s shoulders relaxed and Neil could see in his look that he understood. He understood that Neil didn’t mean to actually hug him. It was about intent. Words are just words, most of the time, and Andrew could have simply dismissed Neil’s, no matter how carefully crafted Neil could try to make them. An ‘are you okay?’ would have been useless and got him no answer. Or a mocking ‘I’m fine'. A kiss would have been mostly a distraction. It meant more, of course, but it also meant something different than what Neil was trying to communicate in their own terms. A yes or no question seemed perfect, except this time around, the answer Neil wanted was a no. A no he would obviously respect but that wasn’t what this was about. It wasn’t about respecting Andrew’s boundaries, it wasn’t about trying to come as close to them as possible or trying to bypass them. Andrew’s boundaries weren’t standing in the way of Neil trying to care for him, Neil was building upon them to show him he cared. He wanted Andrew to have the feeling of knowing someone cared, of getting a hug, without having to deal with anyone, even Neil, touching him. So, it was no, and Neil smiled.
“I keep running out of inches of you to hate.” Andrew said with a cool look before looking outside the window again.
Neil continued to smile, because the tension had softened its grip on Andrew’s shoulders for the night.
-
The next day was as awful as expected.
It went fast and slow at the same time and it was torture. It had barely begun and Neil felt almost as exhausted as after a match, without the adrenaline or the joy of playing. But this wasn’t an Exy court, it was just a court, with a jury listening to people praising a dead man that had it coming. Neil felt like he was watching one of those true crime documentaries he watched with the upperclassmen a few times. He didn’t understand the appeal- his life had been a true crime documentary for too long for that- but he remembered the neighbours and family of the criminal stating with all honestly that they were ‘a nice guy’, ‘seemed like a good person’, ‘helped in the community’. ‘Saved my life’ one even said at the stand, as if that meant anything when he destroyed so many others. One in particular, and Neil was holding his hand as if it was a matter of life and death. Now, the goal today was to avoid another ruined life by making sure Aaron would be acquitted.
It wasn’t easy. With character witnesses from the Marines and tearful parents, they almost made his death sound undeserved. Neil knew better. All of the foxes knew better. So, as much they could, they gave their own testimonies. The upperclassmen were mostly used as character witnesses for Aaron, trying to prove that, even if he can be harsh, he wasn’t violent for no reason. Especially not to this point. Nicky had to speak about that day. Wymack had to speak about that day. Neil had to speak about that day. Aaron had to defend himself. Andrew had to speak about that day. And the others.
Nicky and Wymack had nothing more to say that Neil didn’t know, but it felt right to have something to anchor his own testimony in. Recalling that day, having to answer questions upon questions trying to put doubt on his memory and word was harsh, and even swallowing his saliva got harder. But he did it without flinching, for Andrew, and for Aaron. The latter showed how angry that day still made him. You could hear it in his voice. But you could also hear how the rest didn’t matter, not as much, not the fights he picked in high school, not Tilda, not the fact that he might not have gotten along with Andrew until pretty recently. Neil hoped the jury also heard his justified anger in his voice, maybe it would sway their opinions.
Andrew also spoke.
This was immediately much harder on Neil. Especially since Andrew was now on the stand and the tension in his whole body was obvious, at least to Neil. Andrew didn’t look at him, just a glimpse when he mentioned his name, but he was mostly speaking to Betsy and Aaron. Neil knew he was doing that for himself, to give himself stability and strength which he lacked on this subject, but Neil silently thanked him for it anyway. Hearing the story was hard enough. Hearing about the rest, the beginning, the possible adoption and how it meant dealing with it, Aaron’s arrival, juvie, leaving, was worse. It was more details than Andrew had cared to share before today. Actually, it was more details that Andrew had felt comfortable sharing before today, and Neil hated it.
But Andrew came back down, not looking at anything or anyone, with one of his cool looks which wasn’t fooling Neil. As he sat down, Neil kept his eyes on Andrew. He was tense, it was obvious, and he somehow tensed up even more when Higgins stepped up to expose the evidence he had collected in his investigation, who had been put to a holt for now. Hopefully, he had enough to convince that the death Aaron was judged for wasn’t only protecting Andrew. But Neil barely listened, trying to make sure Andrew was alright, which was never a really easy thing to read on him.
The rest went fast. Neil feared it had been a little too fast. In too much of a hurry. Had they made their decision before stepping into the court? Are they getting ready to take Aaron away for good? But no. Aaron’s shoulders dropped their tension as the non-guilty verdict fell. The Spear family left promptly but the Foxes were too busy exchanging words of relief to really notice. Andrew did, however, and saw the last glimpse of a path he could have taken disappear forever. He felt even less than anticipated towards that thought and turned towards Neil, the path he had chosen, and that chose him back.
“Can I hug you?” Neil asked.
“No.”
Neil smiled.