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“Muta-kun.”
“Yes?”
“Have you ever been outside?”
Kokichi looked up from the screen and stared at Miwa.
It was the second time this week she had come to visit him and he couldn’t help but feel guilty that she had come on a day when he had several missions. Not to mention the fact that he needed new materials for the Mechamaru puppets and wanted to change the material amounts to test new modifications, something he had been working on since last night.
However, before he could summon a puppet to collect the tablet, Miwa put a hand on his arm, meeting his eyes. His cheeks burned as she stared at him, though the tightness in his chest relaxed somewhat at her bright smile.
“Don’t worry about it! I’m sorry for coming unannounced, Muta-kun. Is it okay if I just sit here and read?”
“O-of course you can,” Kokichi choked out. He couldn’t say no to her in any situation, much less when she was looking at him with a small smile and eyes devoid of ill-intent or disgust. From the corner of his eye, he could see her fingers pinch the hem of her denim jacket before relaxing and falling to her side. She looked…cute.
At his response, Miwa brightened and straightened up, moving away from him and settling into the chair across from his wheelchair before pulling a small book out of her bag. He forced himself to take deeper breaths to make his heart stop pounding in his chest before tugging at the bandages on his arm to cover his mottled skin.
Before he turned back to the screen, he caught her eye and gave her a hesitant smile, his cheeks heating once more when she returned it immediately.
That was an hour ago.
“I—No, I haven’t. Moonlight, it burns my skin.” Kokichi closed his eyes, resisting the urge to fix the bandages on his neck. They found that out the hard way years ago. Today was one of his better days, when the pain subsided to a dull burn that was easy to push aside in favor of focusing on the puppet in Takayama and the words and numbers on the screen. Still, these distractions failed to prevent the tingling on the right side of his face and the memory from childhood, when a nurse failed to shut the blinds properly and his skin paid the price.
“Are you okay? I’m sorry if I pressed you too hard! That wasn’t my intention at all!” Miwa said quickly, pulling him out of his stupor. Her hands were balled into fists in her lap and her mouth was set in a worried frown. Something in his stomach twisted at the sight of her. Could he…?
“Miwa,” he leaned forward and brought his hand down to hers, his bandaged hand brushing her knuckles. She didn’t pull away at the touch, leaning into it instead, much to his surprise. He could feel the warmth of her hands through the bandages. “You didn’t, don’t worry. I just...I was just surprised.”
Miwa breathed an audible sigh of relief. She tucked a strand of blue hair that had escaped from her bun behind her ear before placing her book in her bag, turning her full attention to him.
“Okay, um, hear me out on this, please. I have an idea.”
Anticipation fluttered in his chest at her excited-yet-nervous expression and he resisted the urge to raise his eyebrows, even if it would be hard for her to see them through the bandages. Kokichi didn’t want to offend her, especially when he was looking forward to what she had to say almost as much as she was, as she leaned forward in her chair and pressed her lips together as she often did when she was excited.
“What is it?” he asked, trying in vain to ignore how faint his voice sounded.
“I—” she took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly before opening them again, firmly meeting his gaze. “I want to take you outside!”
“What?” Kokichi said faintly.
“You deserve to be able to go outside! I know that you can’t go in the moonlight but the new moon is in a few days and, I just,” she faltered for a second, only for a determined look to replace the timid expression on her face. “I want you to be able to see the stars! They’re pretty and I want you to be able to see that for yourself. There must be a way. We can do this.”
“We…” he said softly. “I—we can try.”
They had no guarantee that it would work, though Kokichi’s mind began to run through possibilities regardless. It was impossible for him to object, not when something he had coveted for so long was finally in reach, even if it was not in the form he wanted. Miwa’s smile and the prospect of spending more time with her only made him more determined. If he could control puppets as far as the edges of Japan, then he could find a way to see the stars.
*
They started out simple. Miwa came over again the next day, book in hand once more. However, she only read for fifteen minutes or so before she tucked it away and leaned back in the chair with a soft sigh. He looked at her, immediately catching her gaze. Upon making eye contact, Miwa brightened and smiled, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. Kokichi swallowed hard and sighed, tracing the tie on his loose pants. He was in too deep.
“Since the new moon is tomorrow, what time should I come over here?” Miwa asked, leaning forward with her hands on her knees. “As long as you’re still comfortable with this of course! I don’t want to push you to do something you don’t want to do, Muta-kun.”
“N-no, it’s okay, Miwa,” he stuttered. His face had to be red by now. “Um, maybe eleven? If that works for you, of course.”
“Yes! That’s perfect. I will be here then.” Miwa paused, an unreadable expression appearing on her face. “Do you mind if I stay a bit later today? No worries if you don’t! I just would like to spend some more time with you. I know we’re seeing each other tomorrow as well, but...”
“Of course!” Kokichi blurted out, his own blush likely matching the one on Miwa’s face. A warm feeling blossomed in his chest at the prospect of her staying longer, even if they hadn’t spoken much while she read and he worked. It was… peaceful. That was the word. To sit with someone and simply enjoy their company without being asked for something in return was a feeling that he had not been well-accustomed to before spending more time with her. “You can stay as long as you want.”
Miwa beamed.
*
For the trip, and for the first time in a long time, he left his hair in a low bun rather than its signature topknot. It was an odd feeling and his scalp did feel lighter, though he only planned on this being a temporary reprieve. On most days, he didn’t pay attention to the difference in feeling between having his hair up versus having it down, though today it stood out to him. The baseball cap came on next, fitting loosely over his hair and only brushing his bandages in some spots. It took several adjustments to make it so that it didn’t rub against his skin and irritate it further, but in the end, he found a balance.
He wore a glove on his hand, though only his fingers ended up being visible past the cuffs of the sweatshirt sleeves. Between his bandages and clothing, none of his skin was visible besides the skin surrounding his eyes, though he had a plan for that as well in the end. He ran his fingers over the thin frames in his lap. Last night, it occurred to him that he had no idea how his eyes would react to being outside at night. Like most forms of light, bright synthetic light brought on migraines within minutes for him, though wearing sunglasses managed to delay the headaches until he was truly worn out.
They were meant for the outdoors, anyway. He was finally going to use them for their intended purpose. Somewhat. It was enough.
A knock echoed through the room and he picked them up, slipping them on carefully. The Mechamaru unit behind him came to life once more and walked over to the door, swinging it open to reveal Miwa. Her bun was slightly askew and wisps of hair fell haphazardly from it as she bent over and grasped her knees tightly, catching her breath. Something must have shown on his face because she turned an even brighter shade of red and stammered out an apology before standing up and brushing off her tunic and pants.
“Sorry, Muta-kun. I thought I was late so I ran but then I realized I was early so I was going to wait but then I wasn’t sure if you were ready, but I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to knock! And you’re ready now, so do you want to go? But we can also wait. I don’t mind. Either way,” Miwa rambled, her face slowly returning to normal. “What do you want to do?”
“We can go now if you’re comfortable. I’m also fine either way,” Kokichi responded quickly. Anticipation, maybe anxiety, was curling in his chest and he took a deep breath to calm himself. He could do this. He was fine. The past was just that: the past.
Miwa smiled and he found the corners of his lips curling upwards in response.
“Let’s go then!”
*
The walk to the outside seemed to last both hours and minutes as the corridor stretched onwards, the door marking the end of the world he had known for years. It was shrouded in silence, though he could feel the excitement radiating off Miwa, further made clear by the slight skip she walked with and the determined look on her face.
Before he knew it, the door was right in front of them.
“Are you ready?”
Was he? He had spent the majority of his life in the dark. Early on, light had become associated with burns and pain for him. His scars were a constant reminder of the restrictions placed on him, on his body, in exchange for a power that he didn’t want. In the worst-case scenario, the clothing and bandages would not be enough to protect him from the light and his already-mottled skin would be scarred further. But in the best...
“I’m ready.”
Miwa nodded. Time slowed as Mechamaru opened the door, swinging it open. Soft rays of light immediately flooded the corridor and he raised his hand to shield his eyes out of reflex and waited for the burning sensation he knew would accompany them. Instead, he was greeted by heat and humidity, warming his skin.
It felt… warm. A different kind of warmth than what he was used to. He relaxed slightly and let himself slide back in his wheelchair, tension slowly leaving his body.
“...Muta-kun? Are you okay?”
His silence must have been noticeable or something had shown on his face because Miwa was staring at him with what could only be described as concern. He swallowed hard and sighed, avoiding her intense gaze.
“I’m okay, thanks. It’s just a lot to take in. I’ve—it’s been a long time since I’ve seen the outdoors through my own eyes, even longer since I was outside.”
The scars that marked his skin marked the final time he had seen the outside and let moonlight touch his skin, though it had not been his choice. Kokichi let his hand ghost his neck before giving Miwa a tentative smile—a small one, but still a smile. Enough of one to make her smile back.
“Do you want to go? Outside, I mean. I think I’m ready,” Kokichi said. She definitely didn’t need the clarification but it was all he could do to keep calm. Staying in the doorway had calmed him momentarily, but now he couldn’t wait to go outside. He had never been a patient person and that fact was unlikely to change barring a life-changing event (also unlikely), but he would always wait for Miwa.
“Yeah! Let’s go.” Miwa responded, walking out the door before him and waiting for him off to the side on the walkway. The wind pushed against him as he exited the doorway and as Mechamaru moved away to close and lock it, he took a moment to take in the sight before him.
The darkness obscured most of the dam and the surrounding area, but he could still hear the rushing water and sounds of the nightlife nearby in a way that he never had before. With Mechamaru, there had always been a degree of separation between him and the outside world. The being that connected him to everyone, to everything, had kept him separate as well. Not that there had ever been another option for him. One did not exist. No matter how much he wished one did.
The door closed with a soft click and he looked at Miwa, the soft rays of light passing over her face and illuminating her eyes, bringing forth images of the sky in the otherwise dark night. He had never seen her outside of the green tint of Mechamaru’s puppet eyes or the dim lights of his apartment, and it made him wonder what it would be like to see her during the day as well, to simply be outside when the sun was out without Mechamaru and the invisible wall that constantly blocked him from the outside world. It was so close, nearly in his reach, but it continued to elude him. He reached out with his arm and ran his hand along the smooth stone they passed as they continued upwards to the top of the dam, feeling the cool grain beneath his bandaged fingers. Miwa was silent as they walked and he wondered if she was quiet for his sake, so that he could take in the outside world that he had never seen without distraction, or if she simply had nothing to say. Either way, he did not speak and she remained quiet as well, letting them complete their small journey in soft tranquility, fitting with the beauty of the night.
Before long, they reached the top of the dam.
The low light from the stars cast soft rays over the water, making it shimmer lightly as they peered down from over the ledge. Miwa shifted slightly closer to him and he could hear her breathing next to him, but neither of them turned to face each other, watching the sky and the sight below them instead.
“It’s beautiful,” Kokichi breathed.
The ever-present ache in his chest felt filled, at least for the moment. He breathed in, then out, then in again, and tipped his head back and looked at the sky, eyes darting back and forth between the innumerable stars lighting the sky.
“I’m glad you think so, Muta-kun,” Miwa said softly. “I don’t go out often at night and when I do, it’s so hard to see the stars because of the light pollution in the city. Here, it’s so quiet and dark. I’ve only been able to see the sky like this a few times. So thank you, for letting me come out here with you.”
Before he could stop himself, he responded.
“I wouldn’t want anyone else out here with me.” He felt his cheeks heat and he choked slightly after he finished speaking, realizing what he said. “I mean—”
“It’s okay!” Miwa said quickly. “I feel the same. Unless you don’t and that’s okay!”
Kokichi quickly glanced at Miwa and saw that her blush matched his own. “No, I do. It’s nice being out here with you!”
“Oh, good! I feel the same, Muta-kun.”
They lapsed into silence once more and remained this way for what seemed like hours as they stared out at the water and the starlight reflected in it. Soon enough, the starlight would fade and give way to morning and he would be back in his isolation with only Mechamaru to keep him company. But for now, perhaps, this was enough.
“Miwa?”
She turned to face him and this time he followed suit, meeting her curious gaze.
“I want to thank you. For suggesting this and for wanting to do this in the first place. And—” he paused. “Thank you for coming here in the first place and for keeping me company. For the first time in a long time, I feel…” What did he feel? What was the word he was looking for? He couldn’t put a finger on it and he was rapidly losing his ability to stay calm and collected. Emotions had never been his strong suit. He had to do this though. “I feel… content. Thank you.”
It wasn’t the word, but it was the closest to what he was feeling. His cheeks felt hot and he took a deep breath as he finished, trying to will his heart into beating slower. He felt lighter though, after saying it. Utahime had always told him that talking about his feelings and being open would help keep him happy, though he had never listened. Perhaps she was right. In that case, he owed her an apology. (Many apologies, but he preferred not to think of that.)
A moment later, Miwa spoke. “Muta-kun, I’m glad that you’ve let me come here. You’ve always been really kind to me, even though I knew nothing about the jujutsu world. And—and I don’t like leaving people alone. No one should be alone.”
He could see the conviction in her eyes and he slowly nodded in response. It never failed to amaze him how kind she was, how the world had not made her jaded and callous unlike most sorcerers (unlike him). Then, he realized it. The word that had been at the edge of his mind suddenly became clear.
Hopeful. It made him feel hopeful.
Hope was an emotion he hadn’t experienced in a long time, one he hadn’t expected to feel again.
Eventually, after what he assumed to be another hour had passed, they made their way back to the doorway and Kokichi went in while Miwa lingered at the entrance.
“I should go. It’s getting late. But thank you, Muta-kun! I’m happy that I got to spend this time with you.”
Kokichi blushed slightly, once again grateful that the bandages obscured his face. “So am I. It was nice, Miwa.”
“Would you—obviously only if it was safe for you to go out but—would you want to do this again? Only if you’re comfortable of course but I think it would be nice. To do it again,” Miwa rambled, clasping her hands behind her back.
Once again, before he even thought about his words, he responded. “I would. I really would. Thank you, Miwa.”
She brightened and smiled, stepping away from the doorway. “Thank you! Goodnight, Muta-kun. I hope you sleep well.”
“Goodnight, Miwa. You too.”
She waved and stepped out of view. Mechamaru shut the door, locking it, and Kokichi let out a deep sigh. Exhaustion had set in and he wanted nothing more than to sleep now. His thoughts could wait until morning. He slowly got ready for bed and fell asleep soon after he laid down, finding himself unable to keep his eyes open for more than a few minutes.
That night he dreamed of starlight, blue eyes glittering in the dark, and Miwa’s smile.