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“I’m a fool.”
“No you’re not,” Felix whispers and wipe the liquid from your face, “you’re anything, but that. If anything I am the fool.”
“I am literally the whole circus.” you can’t help but bark a laugh just as some of your words get caught up in your throat. “Am I crying?”
“You cannot tell?”
Honestly at this point I feel like all sensations have left my body. I can’t tell what I feel and it’s making me a bit angry not knowing what my body is trying to tell me. I can feel water on my eyes running down from my face into my red hands, but it feels just as if it’s raining outside. What is the difference? Felix places a hand on your shoulder and you flinch from their warm touch. You turn to face him, his eyes squinted in confusion or empathy? It is hard to tell through the blurred vision your eyes project back onto you.
He ask you why you’re upset and you can’t give them a straight forward answer.
“I am just frustrated.”
“With?”
“I know I am a fool. I love making myself the joke sometimes I don’t care, but I hate it. Do I? I don’t care. But do I? I really do. I think I really do hate it though. I wish I could stop doing it unconsciously. As I fumble with mistakes I can’t help but think ‘gee I am such the idiot’ and laugh at myself. It hurts but it doesn’t. It feels like I’m laughing at my internal hatred, but also giving in at the same time. I just… I just…” we sit in silence. Felix begins to reach for my other hand and squeezes it lightly.
“You can’t think but I feel the same way? I am so foolish with my magic. I had meant to bring someone I loved back and brought you instead. I can only imagine the stress and confusion you’re under and it is unfair…” he realizes what he is saying may come off as selfish and you sense it in his tone of voice. As Felix tenses he no longer looks you directly in the eye as he mumbles, “It is unfair for me to compare my failure with your current…state. It is truly my fault and only my doing!”
“Felix, my self deprecation habits has nothing to do with you bringing me into Astraea.” You can’t help but laugh as he looks back at you in shock, a bit blushed with confusion. “I just needed to rant about my Earthly problems; I really don’t mind if you can’t bring me back.”
Felix’s blush is only getting warmer as he averts his eyes everywhere but yours. His hands warm up as they still hold onto yours, loosening their grasp and become a bit…shaky?
“A-Are you cold?” You ask remembering you are sitting in the freezing rain. As you grasp what is happening around you, what was suppose to be a picnic bathing in the sun turned into bathing in the rain. The picnic towel beneath you soaked and once fresh hot bread has become a limp weight in a basket full of wet fruits.
Felix sneezes.
“Only a little bit.” His eyes finally meet yours with a limp smile as he averts them down again. “But I am the only one here with the mistakes and making a mess out of things. I am so sorry for my mistake…I’m the, as you say, clown .”
“We can be the circus together, just us two clowns. Clowning around.” to this, he bursts in laughter and you join.
“That would be absolutely lovely.”
“Now we should really hurry before we catch a a…achoo.”
…
Would clowns exist in Astraea? Question of the day.
Please let me know your thoughts. I want to get back into writing again (as it was a great comfort of mine!) This is a side blog so if you have any questions please reblog with a question or dm me
have a great day :’ )