Work Text:
„The charm we are approaching today is a very old and ancient one, going way back into an era we have no knowledge about. As this charm normally is not a part of our curriculum, I prefer teaching it, nevertheless. Performing it at your O.W.L.s can give you bonus points some of you might need,” Professor Radford explained, giving his class a levelled look.
“Pfft. As if I’d ever need bonus points,” Sirius muttered under his breath. Remus rolled his eyes at him.
“The Patronus Charm, once perfected, conjures a spirit guardian and although you may have a presentiment, you will not be able to know the corporeal form of your Patronus until you succeed in conjuring it. Before we are going to practice the incantation, what is it that we always have to remember while charming? Yes, Miss Evans?”
Sirius nudged him with the elbow and before Remus had any chance to protest – since he thought this lesson could actually be interesting and no, Padfoot, I don’t think this is the right moment to try out the modified Stink Pellets we got at Hogsmeade – his friend pointed at James who was sitting at the desk next to them.
At the very moment Lily began to speak, James’ expression changed into something sad, almost miserable.
Sirius gave him a resigned look. “This,” he whispered, “is pathetic. Prongs,” he sighed, “is pathetic. We finally have to do something about them. This is becoming insufferable. Yesterday he asked me about my opinion on her eyes. ‘Emerald or grass green, Padfoot?’”
Remus barely had the time to stifle a laugh – James was one of his best friends but Prongs had actually asked him a similar about Lily’s hair, too – as Professor Radford raised his voice again.
“Ah, Mister Black. Repeating what Miss Evans just told us surely should not be a problem since you have been listening so carefully. As you always do.”
James, clearly not daydreaming anymore, squinted at both of them. Remus knew he suspected they had been talking about him. “Traitors,” Prongs mouthed at them. He put on an apologetic smile, more or less, and turned to Sirius who didn’t look startled at all.
“Of course, Professor. Concentration is the most important part. Lapses in concentration while charming can result in painful side effects, may it be the false emphasis of a spell or the wrong handling of a wand.” The professor arched his eyebrows at the answer. He almost found himself snorting at how smug his friend looked, wearing a careless smirk on his face. If Sirius only knew the answer to the question because Remus decided that they should finally start revising for their O.W.L.s then no one needed to know.
Their teacher cleared his throat before he continued. “Well, while this is essentially true, the difficulty with the Patronus charm is another one. As it is a projection of your most positive feelings, self-confidence also plays a great role. Amongst other things it is this trait that can affect the Patronus greatly regarding its appearance and strength. Some wizards even believe that only those who are pure of heart are able to conjure it.”
Mindlessly pulling at a loose thread on his cloak, Remus tried to comprehend what that meant for him. Positive feelings? He didn’t think he has ever been happier than now, being here at Hogwarts. Remus didn’t remember much of his childhood before he got attacked and after that he never expected to be able to go to a school of any sort.
His first year at Hogwarts had been hard, hiding a part of himself from the kids he could actually call his friends and carrying the burden of his condition alone. More than once Remus swore to himself that he would make sure that they would never, under any circumstances, find out for he didn’t know whether he could handle his first real friends being ripped from his life just as his sanity was ripped from his mind every month. After so many years he couldn’t recall the exact moment he stopped believing that it was his fault, but Remus certainly knew that it happened along with his friends’ help.
By the time Professor Radford was about to perform the charm, a smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth. He didn’t take notice of Sirius looking at him until he lifted his head to see what the professor was about to do.
The class fell utterly silent in order to allow their teacher to prepare himself. It was so quiet that Remus was sure you could have heard a pin drop. After a few moments Professor Radford raised his hand in a swift movement and drew a circle with his wand.
“Expecto patronum!”
His voice rang out strong and echoed off the walls as a luminous shape escaped the tip of his wand, quickly forming into something bigger, until the Patronus took the form of an elephant.
The Patronus, which seemed to float in the air, took a few steps forward and lifted its trunk until the professor lowered his wand and the silver statue disappeared, fading slowly.
It was impressive, really, and Remus applauded along with the rest of the class.
“The Patronus serves as a shield against every form of dark magic but some of the most qualified wizards and witches are not able to perform the charm. It truly is a mark of superior magical ability,” he explained without sounding pretentious but moreover, earnest. “Again, I want to remind you, in order for this to work I want you to focus on positive feelings, a happy memory, preferably the happiest you can think of. That allows you to create a powerful Patronus. Try to cast everything else out of your mind and lose yourself in it. The incantation is, as you have heard, ‘Expecto patronum’.”
Professor Radford clapped his hands once, encouragingly, and looked around the class. “Any volunteers?”
“That’s probably the most advanced magic we came across, of course the whole class would love to volunteer,” he heard Sirius mutter with a sarcastic tone to his voice.
“Mister Lupin, would you please come to the front?”
The atmosphere changed in an instant. Seeing the tension drain from the shoulders of his classmates, he got up from his place with a small sigh and walked up to where Professor Radford had been standing.
It had been a rainy day, grey and dull, and a cracking thunder broke the dead silence.
“Stand right here,” the professor said, guiding Remus right into the center of focus. “And now, concentration, Mister Lupin. Try to recall a memory, a feeling of sheer happiness. Close your eyes.”
A single, stuttering breath escaped Remus’ throat. He let his gaze wander around the class, meeting first Sirius’, then James’ eyes. The latter put his thumbs up and Remus couldn’t help but smile at his gesture. Prongs wasn’t and would never be one to stay mad at his friends for more than five seconds.
He closed his eyes and did as he was told.
Sirius flirting with Professor McGonagall, giving her a huge dramatic wink, just to distract her from Remus who had fallen asleep during their Transfiguration class shortly after the full moon. (He didn’t care that he got detention for a week.)
James starting a fight with a guy from Slytherin as soon as he heard the ugly remarks about Remus’ worn clothes and poor appearance he had made. (“That was totally worth it. Never liked that guy anyway.”)
Peter secretly spending whole nights in order to gather information on how to become an Animagus and even trying to steal McGonagall’s notes during their first three years at Hogwarts. (Four weeks of detention after McGonagall caught him. “Worth it.”)
All the three of them next to the bed in the hospital wing Remus had found himself after a nasty full moon, waiting on the chairs the nurse had offered them, half asleep.
“Expecto patronum!”
A long, silvery thread escaped from the tip of his wand as a sudden feeling of a thousand emotions twirling expanded in the pit of his stomach and moreover, true joy and happiness which words could not explain. He felt bright and airy, superior even – but not arrogance, no – Remus felt magical. Nothing, really nothing, could hurt him. Upon this discovery a bright and honest laughter rung through his mind.
With shaking hands, shaking from sheer power, he leaned forward, more than simply curious as Remus wondered which shape his Patronus would embrace. He could already see two legs – no, four, and a tail and was that a snout? Apparently a –
His breath hitched.
It was a wolf.
It was a freaking wolf.
Without realizing it, Remus had dropped his wand and the silvery figure disappeared like the moon did behind the clouds, just like that. His whole body constricted, unable to move the slightest inch. A wolf.
He, Remus Lupin, a fucking werewolf, in front of whom a boggart had taken the shape of a fucking full moon, was actually able to practice advanced magic and cast a Patronus and said Patronus just happened to be a wolf.
Apparently the whole world was trying to mock him for his misery and it did a good job with it.
His stomach turned and he barely noticed the declarations of admiration in the back of the classroom, ‘that’s was so amazing’, and ‘have you seen it?’ before he turned around. Remus’ recognized Mr. Radford, mouth moving and eyes crinkling because of the smile on his lips, but the voice was muffled for the blood rushing through his ears, heating up his face, putting an ugly red color onto it, drowned it out.
His feet were already moving as he made his way towards the door. Remus saw how Sirius got up, with a concerned look to his face that didn’t suit him at all. Prongs called something, his name probably, but who cared, he just wanted to get out of there.
The earlier joy was already forgotten. Only the last bit of his usual composure prevented him from kicking a desk, right here, right now, and he slammed the heavy door shut by the time he reached it.
Outside the classroom his anger didn’t vanish but rather turned, turned into something bittersweet. A certain sadness tainted over Remus and while he felt his pulse calming down, he tried to get his head around it.
Fate would probably come down on him like a ton of bricks every time Remus imagined himself to be okay. To be okay with it, to be okay with himself, to be okay with the miserable life he lived and would have to live in the future. It was sad and pathetic, felt like a dagger stabbed right through his heart, a deep blackness living in the matter of his bones, writhing and dying and burning. Falling and falling until he thought he could never get up again.
After some time which had felt like an eternity, he heard the door to the dormitory open with a soft creak, followed by silence. He felt his mattress giving away under the weight of other bodies but Remus didn’t make an attempt to look up from where he was hiding under his blanket.
Prongs swore quietly when Wormtail accidentally kicked him and Remus almost laughed because of the utter silliness. A hand squeezed his, and he imagined that it was Sirius’. Nobody noticed the tears which welled up in his eyes from time to time or maybe they did but chose to ignore, and soon their limps were all entangled. No words were spoken, so they embraced the silence of only hearing each other’s’ shallow breaths, but the silence was good and okay and maybe, one day, he’d be too.