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You up? Keys playin silly beggar.
Thought I told you not to come back.
I’m sorry, I just need somewhere to stay for the night, I won’t come near you.
Locks been changed.
Piss off.
Sorry What! Kate jabbed the lock harder with her key. It bounced back. Violently. The metal stung against her palm, her hand already aching with the coldness that two am in November brought. Coerced by the frustration beginning to rise, she booted the bottom of the door, desperate for the lock to magically give way. Her pocket hummed.
You’re going to wake Josh up. Leave.
This time she shouldered the door. Nothing. Kate tried to stay calm. Really, she did. But the tears started to form as the door remained in its place, taunting her, a barrier between her and her little boy. She fingered the letter box open with numb fingers.
‘MARK THIS IS MY HOUSE TOO!’
Surely, he wouldn’t do this. Mark had a right to be angry, the affair she had with Richard Ackers was beyond unforgiveable, she shouldn’t have sort comfort from another man, no matter how bad her marriage was. It’s why she had agreed to stay away for a few days, a punishment so to speak. But Mark wouldn’t leave her in the lurch, not like this…
‘Please. Mark.’
Because he knew she didn’t have anywhere else to go. Kate kicked the door again, it didn’t even wobble.
‘LET ME IN YOU BASTARD!’
After the shit-show of a day she’d had, all Kate wanted to do is check in on her sleeping son and then pass out somewhere she could stretch her legs, the car had done ungodly things to her back. Her chest started to feel heavy as the realisation kicked in, she wouldn’t be seeing her child tonight. Kate’s fist slammed against the frosted glass and with that the tears fell as did her heart. Robbed of being a mother tonight, Kate’s last remaining care for Mark vanished. Resolute in camping outside the door, she slumped against it, shuffling down till she was seated on the mat and that’s when she saw it – a flash of blue between the neighbours bushes. Kate let out a huff, slowly wriggling back up the door till she was standing. She swore loudly as the patrol car turned a corner clearly making a beeline for the house.
The complete and utter bastard.
Two uniformed officers stepped out the car and Kate was thankful she only vaguely recognised one of them, it was embarrassing enough that they’d been called. ‘Do you mind stepping away from that property, we’ve had reports of a disturbance,’ the closest officer eyed her warily.
‘Sorry for the call out guys,’ Kate fumbled her badge out and flashed it, ‘I’m DC Fleming from the local.’
He gave her a sympathetic smile, ‘I hope you appreciate I still need you to step away ma’am,’ he scratched his neck, ‘regs and all.’
‘The occupants adamant your breaking and entering ma’am,’ the other chimed in, clearly enjoying lording it over the senior officer. The first officer swung round and glared at his partner.
‘Breaking and entering?’ Kate was in disbelief, ‘the fucking “occupant”, my husband, is the one that’s unlawfully changed the locks, I bloody own half the property!’ As if to prove her point she jabbed the key at the lock again, not even half made it in. ‘My sons in there. I’m his mum for God sake.’
‘Ma’am if you do that again, I’ll have to take you in,’ the first officer tried to placate, ‘look it’s clear you don’t have access to the property and unless your sons in imminent danger, my hands are tied.’
‘Ring him then, tell him to let me in.’
‘You know I can’t’.
If Kate had been rational, she perhaps wouldn’t have yelled the expletives she did through the letter box, but at two in the morning, she was far from rational.
‘Yeah, no, we’ve gotta take her in for that… surely,’ the second officer murmured, already reaching for her cuffs – almost gleefully.
‘Wait,’ her partner breathed, seemingly racking his brains ‘Oi! You part of AC in town?’
God, he had remembered her. ‘Yeah, what does it matter?’ Kate blustered, hoping they would just clear off.
‘Jesus,’ the DC was really pushing her limits, he started walking towards the car, ‘I’m calling an old colleague, keep her from doing any more damage will ya?’ His partner nodded. Leaning against the car, he called Arnott.
‘DS Arnott,’
‘Hiya Steve, Luke here, sorry to bother you mate but I’m down Harborne way for an attempted break in, and the thing is, I think the perp is one of your AC lot.’ Well, this was awkward.
‘What?’
‘It’s a DC Fleming I believe,’ Luke glanced back towards Kate who was still guarding the door, ‘and she’s not calming down, and to be frank I don’t want the hassle of taking her in.’
‘I’m on my way.’
‘Cheers mate.’ Luke pushed off the car noticing that his partner was twirling her cuffs, riling Fleming further. This was going to be a long night.
To be fair to Steve not ten minutes later his car sped right on to the drive. He swung out the car, catching Luke’s eye. ‘Cheers mate, thanks for the call.’ Out of all the calls for a police officer to get at two in the morning, bailing his mate out wasn’t something he’d considered, especially Kate. Then again, eyeing his colleague as he walked up the drive, Steve could see the daggers being shot by Kate towards the other uniformed officer, she was near snapping. He made a grab for her arm, ‘Kate lets go.’ Kate yanked away.
‘The bastards changed the locks, Steve; I bloody live here.’
Arnott really didn’t want his mate getting nicked, not when she’d regret it in the morning. ‘Let’s get you out of here mate.’ She just needed to calm down.
‘The last thing I need right now is you!’ Kate was fuming, Arnott was trying to bundle her away like some mad woman.
Well, Steve wasn’t having that, he made again for her arm, ‘look,’ he caught Kate’s eyes, ‘these two uniforms are doing you a favour,’ Kate had the nerve to grumble, ‘and so am I!’
‘I live here Steve!’
‘Kate. Move.’ He wasn’t backing down. Thankfully, she made a move towards his car.
‘Alright?’ Luke proffered.
‘I’ve got her mate, thanks.’ He turned to Kate. ‘What the hell is going on?’
‘I just wanted to see my son,’ Kate pressed a wrist to her forehead. Distraught.
‘And you will alright,’ he glanced at his watch, ‘just not in the middle of the night.’
‘Well, I haven’t got anywhere else to go.’ What? he’d thought she’d been staying at a relative’s house or something. Then Steve realised with sobering dread that Kate had never really mentioned any other family or friends apart from Josh and the dickhead currently making her homeless.
‘Where have you been staying Kate?’ She avoided all eye contact, ‘Kate?’
The words “in my car” would not come out. ‘I was undercover on Denton and I blew it.’ Her frustration that had built up all day came tumbling out, ‘And now we’re blowing the whole case. I need to close this, Steve, or I’ve got nothing.’ Her eyes began to hurt as she realised the veracity of her own words. She really did have nothing; she would be a shit mum and a shit copper and Steve really wasn’t helping, shagging all the–
‘Listen...,’
Kate couldn’t help it, ‘You, you were shagging the nurse and now you’re shagging the prime suspect.’
‘I’m not!’
‘I saw you together!’
‘Your undercover failed because we underestimated Lindsay.’ He was clearly wounded by her accusations, ‘Mine’s succeeding because she underestimates me just as much as you do.’
‘What?’ Kate swallowed the guilt, she should’ve realised that Steve wouldn’t be that blind, she’d clearly misread his hand on Denton’s back earlier, but she couldn’t deny the anger that had flared inside when she saw them together. Kate had underestimated him, and she felt sick with guilt.
‘I think you’re right about her. Ok? I think she done it.’ Kate felt really sick. ‘You okay?’
‘No.’ She looked towards the front door and knew she wouldn’t be stepping foot in the house for a while– and that was painful, but she deserved it. Steve could see the fight leave her, and in its absence complete misery overwhelmed her face; he opened his arms.
‘Come here,’ Kate fell against him, her clothes almost damp with the cold. ‘All right. It’s all right. You’ll be all right.’ She nodded into his shoulder. ‘Right, mine,’ he announced, shaking the car keys.
Kate could not take her eyes off Josh’s bedroom window as Steve pulled off, refusing to break contact till it was no longer in sight. ‘Lord,’ she murmured, desperately pinching the bridge of her nose. She was being forcibly kept from her child and here she was letting it happen. ‘I want to go ba-’
‘Kate.’
The panic kicked in once more. ‘I’m leaving my child Steve,’ a grievous cry tore from her throat, she was a shit mum, ‘please, mate.’ Kate started to unbuckle her seat belt.
‘Kate!’ Steve’s left hand went to cover her buckle in horror, whilst the other guided the car back on to a dropped curb. ‘Christ mate!’ He locked the doors. ‘Please Kate, I know you worried for Josh, but you need to calm the hell down cause you’re scaring me!’
Steve grabbed her shoulder’s; she was beside herself. ‘You don’t understand Ste-’
‘No. No you’re right, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now.’
‘I’m the worlds crappiest mum. I should still be outside…’ Kate was grasping at words, ‘making sure he’s okay.’
Steve sighed and shook his head, ‘I’m not taking you back.’
‘Fine, I’ll-’
‘And I’m not opening these doors. Kate. I’m serious.’ He rubbed her arms attempting to calm her erratic breathing. ‘You won’t achieve anything tonight, so you might as well get a decent kip at mine and try again in the morning.’ The blatant pain his mate was in was agonizing, ‘Josh will be non- the wiser,’ he was desperate to keep her safe, ‘please.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Alright,’ Steve gave her shoulder a final squeeze before turning the car over and pulling away, his heart thundering and eyes never drifting too far from Kate’s seat buckle.
The rest of the car journey was silent, Kate’s gaze, Steve noticed, was fixed to one spot on the window even as they pulled into the underground car park. ‘Mate,’ he tried pulling his friend out her reverie but to no end. Steve pulled up and climbed out of the car, making his way round to the passenger door he opened it and lent across Kate, unbuckling her seatbelt. ‘Come on Fleming, should probably get you in the warm.’
‘I’m so sorry Steve.’
‘It’s no problem mate-’
‘I shouldn’t have doubted you for a minute. I’m just so…’
‘You’ve done nothing wrong,’ I should’ve noticed my best mate was sleeping rough he thought bitterly. Steve offered her a hand, ‘come on,’ she really did look pale. They made their way to lift, Kate’s hands slowly starting to shake as they warmed up. Arnott wrapped a cautionary arm around her waist, timidly waiting for a hostile response which surprisingly never came. The lift opened and he nudged them towards his flat door at the end of the corridor. Steve’s place was as modern and smart as his waist coats, albeit the several Heineken bottles on the sideboard. The décor, typically bachelor, consisted of charcoals and blues, with a decent sized telly mounted to an exposed brick wall.
‘S’nice place mate,’ Kate gave him a watery smile, ‘look, are you sure? I don’t even deserve to be-’
‘Kate, no matter what you’ve done, you deserve to warm and safe.’
‘My cars safe enough,’ She said it without thinking.
‘Your car!’ Steve shook his head in disbelief, ‘Bloody hell Kate, we of all people know that sleeping in a car isn’t safe.’ He headed to the kitchen to make her warm drink, anything to distract from the thought of her alone in a car. ‘Decaff tea?’ She nodded, feeling slightly awkward. ‘Drop your stuff on the sofa if you want, I’ll bring it over.’ Kate nodded and wandered over to the sofa, lowering herself on to the edge she dropped her bag to the floor. The ache in her hands grew as the warmth of the flat relieved them of their numbness, she tucked them between her thighs, desperately trying to stave off the throbbing. Steve rounded the corner holding two mugs in hand and a packet of biscuits between his teeth, he placed them on the coffee table in front of her. ‘Not quite ginger nuts but they’ll do.’
‘Just about,’ she replied with a smile, knowing a thank you would’ve brought on tears again, she really didn’t serve this. Kate edged back on the sofa knowing the tea would be blistering to hold with her hands in the state they were in. A pregnant pause ingulfed the room.
‘How long?’
She knew what he was asking. ‘Three days in the car and a night in the hotel.’ The heat in the flat began to feel oppressive.
‘You’re not spending another night in your car Kate,’ she went to protest, ‘I’ll help you work something out, but as long as I’m still kicking you’ve got somewhere to stay.’
‘The same goes for you mate once I’m sorted.’ Steve went to break into the biscuits. Kate drew in a breath. ‘What I did with Akers was unforgivable,’ he choked on the crumbs. ‘There’s not a minute I don’t hate myself for it.’
‘Why then?’ The words came tumbling out before he could stop them and the accusing tone certainly didn’t help as Kate hunched over, an expression of grief all over her face.
‘He was kind,’ she swallowed, ‘he didn’t resent me for my job, in fact he made me feel like I was doing something worth wile and… I guess I was attracted to that.’ Steve nodded, leaning back into the sofa. ‘Mine and Marks relationship was over the moment I started uncover work, he hated the long hours, wanted me to quit, withheld sex till I did, but I carried on cause we needed the income… but I shouldn’t have,’ her voice started to croak. ‘I should’ve compromised, I should’ve been a decent wife and not fucked my best mates husband.’
The dam broke.
Heart-wrenching sobs poured out of Kate’s mouth- she had thrown her whole family away for the first person she saw. Steve hurriedly popped his mug on the table and unsurely placed a hand on her back, he’d never seen Kate like this, well anyone for that matter. ‘I’ve never been married, hell I haven’t been in a relationship past year one,’ he leant forward trying to catch her gaze, ‘but I do know if you love someone you don’t make them leave a career they truly love.’
‘Mark didn’t deserve what I did-’
‘No.’ There was no two ways about it. ‘But if you can own up to your mistake and move on,’ he leaned closer, ‘you’ll be alright, I promise.’ Kate nodded and starting to wipe the tears away, ‘I’m not innocent, I messed up big time sleeping with the nurse, I admit that now.’
‘I just need to own up and move on.’
‘We’ll do it toget… uh… you alright mate?’ the heat of the flat was becoming almost insurmountable, and Kate had started rocking to stop the nausea.
‘Sorry,’ she really didn’t want to be difficult, ‘d’you mind turning the heat down?’
‘I haven’t…’ Steve pressed a hand to Kate’s forehead. ‘Do you want a hot shower or something mate? You’re still cold.’ The thought of standing in a hot shower really didn’t appeal to her. ‘Here,’ he pulled the throw on the back of the sofa, guiding it round her shoulders. The flat must’ve felt hot because she’d been outside for a while. He stood up surveying her, ‘do you have any non- work clothes?’
She shook her head, ‘I thought I’d be able to go back.’
Steve headed to the only door coming off the living room, disappearing into the room, Kate could hear draws being opened and slammed shut. Several huffs later and Steve emerged, striding across to the kitchen, he threw what appeared to be a dressing gown and a large t-shirt into the tumble-dryer. ‘I’ll warm these up, they’ll be better than damp clothes and you can shower in the morning.’
‘Thanks mate,’ Kate closed her eyes and swallowed as bile slowly tried to creep up, ‘really.’
‘No trouble,’ he grabbed the mugs off the table, ‘honestly.’
Half an hour later and Kate found herself under a butterflied sleeping bag and a blanket, staring at the red numbers displaying ungodly hours on the television box. The blankness now engulfing the living room seemed to make the heat of the flat weigh more heavily on her, the nausea lulling in her stomach with every beat of warmth seemingly rolling down her body head to toe- she kicked off the covers.
Steve had courteously offered his bed, but Kate had felt deeply uneasy accepting it, he was being kind enough allowing her to stay the night, especially considering her earlier antics.
The sofa itself was heavenly compared to the backseats of the car but the sickness, warmth and pure exhaustion overwhelmed Kate with the urge to run back home, to her own bed, where she could be sick and grieve and ultimately not put her best mate out. She really didn’t want to piss off the only person who seemed to care for her, the only person, bar Josh, whom she’d do anything for.
It finally reared its head.
Kate stumbled to the kitchen sink, not having enough time to figure where the bathroom was. She promptly shoved the washing up bowl to the side and violently gagged, her head hitting the tap. She was sick for what felt like an eternity, tears streaming as she desperately tried to draw air and all the while be quiet.
It hit her. The grief of losing her family was making her physically sick. She couldn’t cope with the unbearable pain behind her ribs. No more Cornish holidays, no more family photos, no more Christmas’s…
More spattered against the side. Kate was afraid she’d never breathe again as the retching continued.
Firm fingers tilted her head up.
‘Mate-,’ Steve arched to the side as she was sick once more, trying to pad her head from the tap.
‘Sorry,’ she gasped out, fingers curling round the sink in an effort to curb the turbulence of her stomach. ‘Couldn’t make it to the toilet.’
‘Doesn’t matter.’ She’d obviously worked herself into a right state whilst he’d drifted off for the rest of the night, hair plastered to her pale face. He kept a hand on her back whilst reaching for a stool tucked under the island and slowly slid it underneath her. ‘Here mate.’ Satisfied she wasn’t going to hit the deck he crossed the kitchen to grab a cup for water.
‘s’ sadness,’ Kate mumbled, drawing Steve from the cupboard in front of him, her face overcome with sorrow. ‘I didn’t think it could hurt this much.’ And in that moment, Steve felt everything inside his chest cavity plummet to the floor. Nothing could match the ferocity of grief. He placed a hand on her head, drawing it into his middle.
‘Neither did I.’