Work Text:
I have emotional motion sickness
Somebody roll the windows down
There are no words in the English language
I could scream to drown you out
———
You felt like you needed to apologize to the pen you had been chewing on for the last hour since you had gotten home from the hospital. Your stress over these patient files had you nervously biting the cap and now it was just a bent piece of plastic with bite marks all over it. You sighed, putting the pen down and reaching your arms over your head to stretch. You probably needed to take a break for a few minutes.
And as if he read your mind, a familiar figure showed up on the window still. You smiled. It was just the break you needed. You kept the window open for Kakashi these days because he refused to use the door, so you just waited for him to push the glass open and hop down on the floor.
You could see the tired, stressed expression on his face immediately and you were ready to hear all about the next assignment the Hokage had given him. Kakashi’s missions were usually pretty complex and required long, elaborate meetings with the Hokage to discuss details. It wasn’t the first time he left a meeting looking exhausted.
But he also hadn’t made eye contact with you yet, and you tried not to think much of it. As he hopped down on the floor and padded over to the kotatsu you were sitting at, you tried to give him a comforting smile. He only looked at you for a moment, sending you a weak smile before walking over to the kitchen. You frowned and stood up, watching him grab a glass from the cabinet to fill with water.
“Hey,” you said, walking over to him. He stood in front of the sink, hands leaning on the counter while he looked down at the glass he had filled but not drank.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
You frowned. Something was on his mind. You had known Kakashi for long enough that although he liked to mask his emotions, whenever something was truly bugging him, he wouldn’t bother to hide it in front of you. He was always honest and up front.
You put a hand his shoulder. He didn’t look up, just continued to stare down into the sink. You treaded carefully, speaking in a light tone.
“Did you just get back from the Hokage’s office?”
Kakashi’s eyes flipped to you and he sighed. “Yeah. My next mission…there is a civilian village in the Land of Fire where a disease has spread, killing many and causing many more to become sick. The leader of the village discovered it was a poison that had been put into their water by some unknown source. I am to go investigate with the information they’ve gathered so far. They think the culprit is an ex-government worker who wants revenge on the current leader.”
You hummed after he finished explaining. You waited a moment in case he had more to say, and then you spoke. “Do they have medical facilities there? To heal those that are sick?” You questioned curiously.
Kakashi’s eyes flipped back down at his hands and spoke, voice still as steady as always. “No, they don’t.”
Your face twisted in confusion. “Then why didn’t Godaime request a medical ninja to go with you?”
“She did.”
You paused and observed Kakashi’s face. His eyes were dark, avoiding yours at all costs and you started to put the pieces together.
“Who did she request?” You asked as straight toned as you could.
Kakashi sighed and lifted his hands off the table, walking past you without a glance and into the main room. You just watched him as he went and stood, his back to you. You closed your eyes and sighed deeply out through your nose and began to walk quietly over to him.
“Kakashi,” you said to his back. “Who did she request?”
He still didn’t answer. You frowned, becoming slightly frustrated.
“Kakashi-“
“You. She requested you.”
You immediately fired back, but tried to stay calm. “Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this? Wouldn’t we be summoned together?”
Kakashi kept his back to you and didn’t answer.
You stayed silent as well, trying to keep your frustration to a minimum. You were just confused. Why wouldn’t the Hokage summon both of you together? You rarely went on missions. You only got called to fill in as someone’s medical-ninja on last minute assignments when you didn’t have a shift or when someone else could fill in for you at the hospital. When you were summoned, you were summoned with whoever else you would be on the mission with. The Godaime would either want you or she wouldn’t. There wasn’t any confusion. Not usually. Then, Kakashi spoke up.
“The Hokage asked me first. If I would want you to go with.”
You stared a hole through Kakashi’s back. There were a million thoughts swirling in your mind as the stagnant silence grew between you two.
Your relationship was not a secret. You had filled out the necessary forms required when two shinobi were to start a relationship together. The Godaime smiled when you both turned them in and that was that. So, it was interesting that the Godaime had asked Kakashi if he wanted you to go on the mission with him. Why wouldn’t the Godaime just tell him that you would be going with him? Why ask Kakashi?
Your eyes flitted up to Kakashi’s head as he slowly turned around, hands in pockets and looking down at his feet. You tried to keep your face neutral as you waited for elaboration from him.
“I requested another medical ninja for the mission.”
Your clenched your jaw, forcing yourself to keep your emotions in check. There was no sense in acting out when you didn’t even know the half of it. Yet there was so much frustration and annoyance bubbling in the pit of your stomach. So you kept a steady tone and questioned him.
“Why?”
“I can’t have you on the mission with me.”
Emotions were kept in check for long enough. You felt your face warm with anger as you let yourself let the frustration and annoyance loose in your words. “You can’t have me? What does that mean Kakashi? What if I wanted to go?”
“The Godaime asked,” Kakashi’s eyes darted up to you, dark and serious. “And I said no.”
You were boiling. Oh you were so annoyed. Other people making decisions for you like that was a complete violation of your boundaries and freedom and you had to know what had come over the Godaime as well as Kakashi for them to do that to you.
“Why?” You questioned again, anger seeping through your tone.
“I already told you. And I will not be discussing it further. That’s all I came to tell you.”
Kakashi had started to walk towards the window to leave, which was completely out of the question for you as you felt obligated to know the reason that the Godaime and Kakashi would do this.
“Absolutely not,” you fired back. It was very hard to keep your volume at a low level, but you forced it to comply. “I deserve an explanation. I will not have other people making decisions like that for me.”
Kakashi’s jaw clenched and he stepped towards you. His expression was dark, swimming with unease and impatience. “There are reasons that I discussed with the Godaime, and the conversation ended. She will not be summoning you for the mission.”
“What the hell does that tell me?” You scoffed. You couldn’t help but feel all the insecurities you had ever thought come into your mind. Your skills, your experience, what was it? What reasons could there have possibly been for them to dismiss you as a choice? Why was there even a discussion in the first place?
“It tells you enough.” He responded with a quick glance and looked away from you.
“Kakashi, what is wrong?” You finally took a step towards him and grabbed his arms on either side. “The moment you came in here, something was wrong. I can tell. I know you. Please, just explain. What has you so…?”
You peered up at him. His expression turned from unease to…brokenness. He looked at you with such brokenness that it made your breath hitch in your throat. He was staring at you like you could slip away any second, that you were about to disappear without a trace and it made your heart hurt. You squeezed his arms, taking another small step towards him so that you could look closer at his face. You slid one hand up his arm and cupped his cheek, searching for the kind man you knew.
“Kakashi,” you whispered. “Talk to me. Please.”
He continued to search your face, his brows furrowed and eyes exhausted. You brushed your thumb gently over his cheek and waited patiently.
“You can’t go,” he whispered.
You waited again for him to continue. Kakashi always needed time to put his emotions to words.
“You can’t go, because I-I can’t have anything happen to you.”
Rin.
Kakashi shut his eyes tight and didn’t open them. The frustration and annoyance you had felt before had disappeared, because now you knew. You knew what sort of thoughts were plaguing Kakashi as he stood before you in turmoil. The trauma and pain of his life had come to the surface at the request of you going on a mission with him. That’s why the Godaime asked, and he didn’t want to relive that. You brushed your thumb over his cheek once more and he took a shaky breath in, opening his eyes.
“Kakashi, it’s okay,” you whispered, throat tight with emotion.
“What if I…what if I did something to you?” He questioned mostly to himself, voice quiet but hurried. “What if you…what if something happened? What if they called me cold-blooded Kakashi again?”
“They wouldn’t,” you moved one of your hands to the back of his neck, brushing your fingers through his hair as an attempt to comfort. “Because that’s not who you are.”
Kakashi continued to avoid eye contact with you, just fixed his gaze on the floor with eyebrows knit together in anxiety. You could see the hundreds of thoughts, words, and memories flooding his mind and your heart broke. He was reliving it all right now.
You slowly reached down to grab his right hand and he flinched, squeezing his eyes shut. You brushed your thumb over the top of it and slowly, slowly lifted it up. Cradling his large hand in yours, you pressed it on your chest over your heart.
Kakashi shot his eyes open and looked at you, searching your face in a frenzy. He attempted to pull his hand away but you pressed it closer, silencing the tremors that wracked that hand and forcing him to feel your heartbeat.
“That’s not who you are, Kakashi,” you spoke while meeting his gaze. “Your convictions, your motivations, they’re all driven by love for your village and your comrades. Your friends. Your family. And there is nothing cold-blooded about you. I know first-hand.”
You reached your other hand to grab his face while rubbing your thumb over his hand that you had clutched to your chest. “Do you feel this? My heart beats for you. You could never do anything to stop it.”
Brushing away the tears that had started to fall from his eyes, you reached around his shoulder and pulled him into an embrace. He quickly returned it, burying his face in your shoulder and wrapping his arms around you. He squeezed you so tight and so panicked like you might fall right through.
“Kakashi,” you whispered while he breathed shakily into your neck. “I am safe with you.”
“I’m sorry that I told the Hokage no,” he breathed out. “It-it was wrong of me, I know you are capable. You're the most capable. I just-“
“I know,” you reassured, combing through his hair. “I know that you believe in me.”
You turned to speak in his ear so somehow, the sincerity and heartfelt words you were going to say would echo in his heart. You wanted your words to echo in his heart so loud that it would drown out the sound of his demons. You never wanted him forget the truth.
“But I believe in you, too,” you whispered. “I believe that you will keep me safe, and that you will never hurt me.”
You knew what Kakashi was experiencing was not simply a moment of doubt or insecurity. It was years of pain and trauma. It had nothing to do with you or your abilities. Kakashi was forced to imagine reliving a memory that continued to torment him to this day. He might not show it, it might not affect his every day life anymore, but instances like this, going on a mission with a loved one, had a price. The price was the fact that something could happen to you. That he would have to endure that pain and trauma all over again.
“I-I feel sick,” he whispered. “I’m so tired. I’m tired of it.”
He sucked in a shaky breath, wrapping his arms around you even tighter, so tight you could feel all of the pain he was trying so hard to let go of.
“I’m sorry.” He croaked out.
You squeezed him back, bringing a hand back up to his hair. “You’re okay, Kakashi.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated into your shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re okay,” you repeated back, cradling his head and holding him against you. “You’re okay.”
———
And I wanna know what would happen
If I surrender to the sound