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"Doctor, where is the bed?" River asked. She was tired and wanted to sleep. "I was hoping we could use a futon like the Japanese." She replied. "You want us to sleep like the Japanese? Why?" River wasn't opposed to the idea, but she sceptical. "Because futons are cool!" The Doctor said. River took the bait. "Alright, just for tonight. If I like it, it stays." River didn't like it. "It may be fine in Japan, but I liked my bed. I need a good sleep!" River lamented the next morning. "Fine." The Doctor said. "I'll get us new sleeping arrangements." "Sweetie, you said a new bed! This isn't a bed." River stated When she saw the sleeping bags. "It's even better! Now you can bring your bed with you! And I never said a new bed. I said sleeping arrangements." The Doctor clarified. "I don't like sleeping bags." River said. "I have spent months on end in sleeping bags while on digs and don't want to sleep on one again! I'll be gracious and sleep in the guest room tonight. Tomorrow, You find a bed!" River stalked off.
The next night River almost strangled her wife. "HAMMOCKS!?! ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME!?!?" "They are relaxing. You loved them when we visited the beach. Besides, the rocking motion is soothing." The Doctor said. "I like my hammock in the shade on a sandy beach with a cold drink! I don't want to sleep in one every night!" River went to the bathroom.
"Honey? Are you going to join me?" The Doctor asked. "I'm sleeping in here! Tomorrow you are to do ONE THING! FIND! ME! A! BED!"
"I remember asking for a bed. I don't remember asking for a bed of nails. This isn't a circus!" River was beyond tired. "But it's supposed to be relaxing." The Doctor said. "I don't want to feel like I'm being scratched all night. I want a bed. You can sleep here if you want, I'm going to the library! At least the chairs in there are comfortable. And get me a bed. A real bed." River stalked off.*****
"I thought you had this conversation with my parents. No bunk beds." River stated. "But.... Bunk beds are COOL!" The Doctor said. "Not when you have spent lifetimes sleeping on one." River replied. "These are nothing like the beds at Stormcage! See? Really very comfy." The Doctor said. "Just for tonight! But I get the top. I hate being boxed in." River relented. ***** "Well, that was an interesting night." The Doctor said. Unfortunately she had forgotten her wife had an aversion to anything that reminded her of her time in prison. "You have never punched me so hard in the nose before. At least, not while asleep. Last time you were giving birth." The Doctor said. "Don't worry, I'm sure it will heal in a few weeks." She reassured her wife, who couldn't seem to care less if the Doctor had a broken nose. She should have hit her in the jaw. And she wasn't asleep for one moment of it. River would just act like she had been asleep. "Normal! This time get a normal bed!" She instructed her wife. "When I said a normal bed, I didn't mean a water bed!" River said. "I'm not Captain Ahab. I'm River Song." She stated. "No, you're a pain in the neck!" The Doctor said. "Just get into bed. You might like it." "I already don't like it. Here, enjoy a nice swim." River took a sharp pin and punctured the mattress. The Doctor just stared in disbelief. Her wife was crazy! Maybe a regular bed would solve everything. "That's more like it, Sweetie." River said when she was shown a wonderful regular bed. "You did a good job." She said before going to sleep. But the problems weren't quite over. "Sweetie, you kicked me all night. And you have razor sharp nails." River said as she put yet another bandaid on her arm. "River I am so sorry. I promise I'll get it right this time!" The Doctor said. "Why, it's perfect! Two beds! Now you won't kick me and we can comfortably sleep!" River was elated. Finally she could sleep. The Doctor stretched out and decided that this was the best way to sleep.