Work Text:
"Hello...Alfie, I-It's me. Tommy...
I know I shouldn't be calling because...I-I think I'm drunk and...well you know...you broke up with me, and you probably don't wanna hear my silly voice anymore and my silly rumblings, that's why you've left isn't it?
B-but, I was feeling...I was...that black hole is back, Alfie, and it's sucking me down, I can feel it, and I'm trying Alfie, I'm struggling... trying so hard to hold on to the edge, sinking my fingers in it, so fucking hard that blood is coming out of my nails...but I'm afraid Alfie...Im so fucking scared...because you were there to heal my fingers before...I'm afraid because...what if I fail this time? I don't know if I can...fuck...I don't know if I am strong enough... I-I've always thought that...for some people, air is heavier than for others...I can feel it Alfie, pushing me to the ground, crushing me, u-until I can no longer breathe...I cannot breathe because before the air was lighter...because of you...I could breathe with you...you always knew how to take me out of that hole...a-and I know I don't have the right to call, alright I know...b-but my bed was cold and there was that...that pillow you gave me, the red, round, puffy one...you gave it to me, remember? I made fun of you...of your belly...even though I loved it...and you gave me that pillow, to remind me of it...you said "hold it when I'm not with you, and you won't feel alone anymore"...but my bed is still cold...Fuck...I miss you Alfie...I...I know, I know I can't say that...I know I'm not worth the pain...but...I'm holding that pillow, Alfie...because you were always right...and...and it just reminds me how much I miss falling asleep on your belly...how much I miss your warmth...your hands...I-Im sorry Alfie if I have been a disappointment...but...that's what I am in the end, isn't it? Please Alfie...I still need you...please answer, I-I know you're there alright? I-I'll wait...I promise I'll be good this time...please Alfie...I-"
Alfie turns the bloody things off. Fucking hell if Tommy was right. He heard each word, each sigh, each tremble in his voice, he imagined every point in which Tommy broke out crying, saying those words. Fucking hell.
He was so fucking angry, alright? When he broke up with him one week before. Because any time, any fucking time he thought he'd done something good for him, when he thought that Tommy felt better, that his "black hole" was gone, it all started again. That's how Tommy worked...that's how their relationship had worked...one step forward and three fucking steps back...
And he was feeling like shit alright? Because he should have been able to handle it...because he loved Tommy. He loved him so fucking bad. And he knew how hard Tommy was trying......he knew it wasn't his fucking fault, but he was just...he was feeling helpless...that was it.
Each time Tommy relapsed, Alfie realized that he might have not been able to save him...that what he was doing wasn't enough, it was never enough...and he was fucking scared, alright? Because that anguish, that fucking tight and sore stomach, the anxiety and dread he felt when he couldn't find him at home, and he had to go out at night with that cold air moving with him step by step, with the fear of finding Tommy's body in a fucking alley, or in the Thames...it had reached an unbearable level...knowing he wasn't enough for him... He didn't know what would be left of him if Tommy died...
Would he have survived, knowing that he had failed to protect the one person he loved so much, and who had loved him back? With the same force?
Alfie didn't answer the phone.
He got in his fucking car. And drove.
Because Tommy was still fucking breathing. Because loving him, despite his black hole and the fucking, lovely mess he was, well, it was better then living without him...because fucking hell, he was all Tommy had, and Tommy was all he had.
He drove until the mists of Birmingham enveloped him.
Until he was standing outside Tommy's door.
And if Tommy's face wasn't the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, if those eyes furrowed by two dark circles, but now illuminated by surprise, so blue that even the most serene summer sky would have blushed in front of them, weren't the best thing in the fucking world, then Alfie would have been the greatest of liars.
He hugged him tight, as if to assure himself that he was really there, in flesh and blood, as if to wipe those days away.
He felt Tommy's arms around his waist, hesitant at first, but then his thin fingers sank into his shirt, and he felt the ever so cold tip of his nose resting in the hollow of his neck.
He consoled him as some tears fell from his eyes, wetting his shirt. He was trembling. He held him stronger, until Tommy's sobs turned into a light breath.
And even then he didn't stop holding him.
"You're here" Tommy whispered.
Alfie took Tommy's face in his hands, wiping the tears away from those cheekbones now a little too hollow, with his thumbs.
"I'm sorry, Tommy, I've been an idiot, I'm not going anywhere, alright?"
And then he kissed him softly. Tenderly. And it was as if all the broken pieces came back together.
They slept peacefully together that night.
Tommy's head layed quietly on his belly, while Alfie was twisting a few strands of Tommy's hair in his fingers...he watched his chest rise and fall slowly. His left hand was covering his lips. He was finally asleep.He felt his heart fill with heat when he realized that he was still holding the red pillow between his fingers. Fuck, it filled his heart so much, that he thought it might have exploed in his chest.
"I love you, Tommy" he murmured.
And even if he hadn't heard, it didn't matter. He would have had a lifetime to remind him.
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don't always spoil the good things or make them unimportant."