Archive of Our Own

It starts when Fundy moves out to the college dorms. It was an awfully long process that involved a lot of papers Tommy couldn't be less interested in. He visits Wilbur a week before moving in and brings with him a huge bag.

Wilbur's the first one to ask what it is, Tommy's not even in the room but the walls are thin enough to hear and he's not polite enough to ignore it.

"It's just a bunch of old clothes, since I'm moving to the college dorms I figured I should, at least, get rid of the things I don't use anymore." Fundy answered, not sounding interested enough to keep a conversation. Wilbur seems to understand because his only reply is a hum and then 'You can leave them here for now'.

Tommy waits until they leave the room.

He knows he shouldn't snoop just because Fundy's not looking but Tommy's so, so curious on which clothes he used years ago. Maybe if he's quick no one will notice.

Opening the bag, ignoring the awful t-shirts; he sees it, a black pleated skirt. He gasps. It looks awfully familiar to the one he used as a freshman before changing it to the trousers that come with the uniform in his highschool. It feels softer than Tommy's expected, the skirt has probably been in the back of Fundy's closet for years but looks as neat as a new one.

Looking around, the blonde vaguely wonders if the skirt would fit him while he brings it as close to his chest as possible, like letting it go would make it disappear. Tommy's still in uniform... Too lazy to change it even when his dad nags at how he'll get it dirty, the thought of the skirt matching with his shirt makes him feel funny -for the lack of a word- so why not try it?

Problem is… he's in Wilbur's dorm. The bathroom is close enough but is it safe? Tommy thinks about it more than he should. On one hand, in his brother's dorm he would have to deal with Wilbur or Fundy coming in, on the other side, using the bathroom could give him more privacy but he would have to be quicker… Adding onto that, not only Wilbur and Fundy could come in but also his dad and Techno.

He stays in Wilbur's room.

"I'll be quick, I swear…" The skirt is, well, a skirt. Maybe a bit short since Tommy is over six feet but Fundy's skirts and dresses were always sizes bigger than him. He gets it, everybody in his family has been teasing him lately because he only wants to use baggy pants and hoodies. It's not something he can explain with words, at least not yet.

But this? This feels right, it shows more skin than he's used to, reaching before his knees but it's nice in a way the baggy trousers are not and he's elated, giggling like he's a highschool girl.

Maybe he is, that would feel right.

Ah, unlike how many people think Tommy's not stupid, maybe naive, but he knows enough to get what this means. He knows it's not something that came out all of sudden, but rather something he's repressing.

Shit.

Sitting on the floor resting most of his weight in his arms, he sighs. It feels right, it feels too right and it's scary as it is amazing. So Tommy cries in silence, because he's scared and because he's happy.

"Wait, wait, let me take a photo at least. I bet I look good." he says, sniffling while he gets up.

That's when someone opens the door.

"Wilbur you-" Fundy stops, taking out his phone, this is how Tommy will die, crying and in a skirt. "No wait, someone's calling me. I think it's from college- no, I'll just use your dorm for a minute." He closes the door.

"I- uh…"

"You're crying and wearing my old skirt."

"I'm not."

Fundy scoffs. "You're not what?"

"Crying."

He sits on the floor, in front of the door like he is preventing anyone from coming and looks at Tommy. "We have five minutes before Wilbur comes again, wanna talk?" his tail moves slightly, it reminds Tommy of a cat.

"I'm not sure what you want to hear, big man…"

He grins. "Well, what do you want to tell me?"

"I'm sorry about snooping in your bag, 'was curious" he begins, mumbling. "I swear i didn't mean to steal anything, I haven't- just wanted to use the skirt and put it back but it felt so right and i got distracted and-"

"Keep it."

"Huh?"

"I'm telling you to keep it. I was going to take the clothes to a thrift store, might as well give it to you." Tommy's dumbfounded.

"You sure?"

"Have fun, big man." he imitates Tommy, watching him flinch at the nickname. Fundy raises an eyebrow.

"Give me your phone, I'll put my number."

"What, why?"

"Tommy, give me your damn phone so I can send you a text later, I have more skirts." Fundy complains, Tommy gives in. "There's a support group for trans and gnc people that I go to, if you're interested. I won't say a word." He gets up, leaving Tommy's phone on the floor.

"Sure."

"Change before Wilbur comes in, you tall child." When Tommy's changing clothes, he hears Fundy talking Your br- Tommy was sleeping on the floor of your room, not sure if you want to see that. It gives him enough time to go into his room and hide the skirt. He feels happy in a way he can't recognize.

A week later, Fundy texts him

The text is vague enough but Tommy thinks he knows what it could mean, do u have time Tommy reads again while hesitating in what could be a decent reply.

He settles for yeah why and gosh, he shouldn't be this nervous about something as simple as texting Fundy but it's not like he can help it. The reply can't come fast enough, good and then another one, ask ur dad if u can go out.

Tommy frowns, he had the idea that Fundy would come, not the other way. Besides that, he's not a child! He can go out whenever he wants and will make sure that Fundy knows it, im not a child he replies.

The response is whatever u say just make sure u can go out followed by make sure to have an excuse, you child and a location with the caption 15 min.

Without saying much he jumps out of his bed, texting Tubbo if dad asks im in your house. Putting his shoes faster than he ever has, not even bothering to tie his laces. He grabs the jacket in his chair and runs downstairs, "I'm going to see Tubbo, bye!".

Philza can't even reply by the time the front door is closed.

Meeting Fundy in the bus station is not as awkward as he thought it would be. In the back of his mind, he acknowledges that the sight must be funny; a tall teenager with a puffy jacket unsuccessfully trying to hide behind an -also really tall- fox hybrid, because he's just as tall as him, if not taller.

"Where are we going?" he wonders, almost shy.

"Support group."

The bus decides to show up at this exact moment, Fundy pays for the both of them and starts walking to the back of the bus before Tommy can protest.

He sits besides him, hands in his lap almost tense.

"Is it far?" asks Tommy.

"Far enough."

They don't talk again, it doesn't feel necessary.

The place is… he doesn't have another way to describe it except as 'just a place' because Tommy hasn't seen a place more generic than this. Fundy tells him it's to keep it stealth because not everyone is out, he doesn't get how a support group can be stealth but he's not the best person to complain, not when he is closeted too.

"Hello there" Eret says, and Tommy can't recognize anything but happiness in their voice. He doesn't know what to make of this situation, Eret isn't out, -at least not to everyone- that is obvious and Tommy… Well, Tommy doesn't even know where he should start when talking about himself.

"Hey Eret." They are wearing a dress, Tommy thinks it looks nice.

"I won't snitch anything if you promise to do the same." they giggle and oh, he has never experienced something like this before. "I do want to be more open about this, though."

"That's really nice, big man. If big man is okay."

"It is, it is."

He looks around. "Is there something I need to do?"

"Right!" Fundy exclaimed. "You have to write your name and pronouns so the other members know how to refer to you." He grabs Tommy by the wrist, almost dragging him across the room until they're in front of a desk. There's a girl smiling to the both of them, she's probably in her mid twenties, Tommy can't help but think how pretty she is.

"Pronouns?"

"Is how people refer to you," she points out. "Most people here use he, she or they but there's neo pronouns too…" Tommy doesn't know what that means, he'll search for the meaning later. "So, as an example, when you talk about Fundy, you say 'he' right? Fundy's pronouns are he and him."

He nods, he can do that. She gives him a pen and an old notebook while apologizing, saying they usually have prettier notebooks around but they didn't expect someone new. It's not like he cares anyway.

He takes the pen and starts to write. If his hand is trembling neither Fundy, Eret or the nice girl in front of him says something. He basks on the silent solidarity like a cat in a patch of sunlight, he feels warm inside.

Name: Tommy

He puts his arms around the sheet making sure nobody but him sees what he's about to write. It's stupid considering everyone will see it when he's done, still, he doesn't want anyone making fun of him.

Gender: girl

Pronouns: he/him i think

His handwriting is anything but pretty. Putting it on paper makes it even more real, it's terrifying but fuck it, he's not a pussy. He may not be the biggest man there is, but he surely is the biggest woman and that's more than enough. He's proud of himself, even if this is bare minimum.

Eret throws herself on top of Tommy's back, giving him a back hug "I'm so proud of you, big woman!" Oh, wow. This may be the best day of his life. "This alone took me like fifteen minutes." He can understand why if he's being honest, no amount of euphoria can simply make him forget the amount of fear and thoughts he has repressed for most of his life.

"What happens if I change my mind about something?" He wonders.

"Then you can change it."

"That easy?"

"Why make it hard?" They leave it at that.

Fundy takes him to meet another trans femmes, they all are older than him but Tommy loves it. He's used to being the youngest, however he was never treated like a younger sister, never had people understand him like they do.

He likes this place. He hopes Fundy takes him here again.

"I don't think this is a good idea."

They're (Eret and him) sitting on the floor of Eret's dorm. Fundy is laying on the bed checking his phone and occasionally giggling, refusing to sit on the floor because 'why would I choose the floor over a bed?' is a bit ironic, Tommy thinks, when you consider his eyebags but who is he to judge?

To be honest, he doesn't look that interested in what's happening here compared to whatever is happening in his phone. Fundy came to his house an hour earlier with another bag and simply said 'we're going out'. Surprisingly to Tommy, they didn't go to a thrift store but to Eret's flat who seemed to expect this, smiling at the both of them. Unsurprisingly to Tommy, the bag is full of Fundy's old clothes.

"Hush, now let me work." Is the only reply he gets from Eret, who is sitting besides him trying to apply what Tommy thinks is concealer… He doesn't know much about makeup to begin with, never bothering to pay attention to all the makeup tutorials he watches. Lip gloss is pretty, though. "You'll look great, trust me."

'That's not the problem' he wants to say. Because, really, that's not the problem here and nobody seems to get it. There's no point in trying to make him look pretty because male puberty fucking sucks, he knows how his face is built and how his hands look there's no way people look at him and not know. But also… he wants to look pretty so bad it almost aches.

Before Tommy can even think about the consequences, the words leave his mouth: "I won't look like a girl, though."

Eret stops to look him in the eyes with an expression he can't quite describe as anything but apprehensive. "You are a girl, Tommy." They say with caution.

He doesn't want to have this conversation now, or ever, period. This shouldn't be happening at all to begin with, Fundy just started breaking the walls he spent all his life building around and it's scaring him so he says "I know this! I know this… I myself wrote it-" It's more of a whimper, honestly. In any other situation, he would be embarrassed to death but there's no energy left to do so. "I just assured myself it would never go this far 'cuz- People are cruel sometimes, y'know?"

The rational part of him stops him from touching his face, knowing Eret hasn't finished the makeup but that means he has no way to hide his face now. "And like, maybe if I hadn't taken so long in realizing and accepting it then I wouldn't be so tall compared to other people my age and like, maybe I could be prettier than I am now, I don't know. It's stupid."

Eret sighs, ready to protest about it but the one who talks first is Fundy who is getting up from the bed and sitting on the floor with a groan. "It's not stupid, keep talking."

Tommy huffs and rolls his eyes, feeling like the two adults are treating him like a child but keeps talking, just because he wants to, not because Fundy and Eret make him feel safe.

"I just don't see the point in trying anymore. I spent all my life trying to not make it obvious and now that I'm doing the opposite it doesn't work." It's said bitterly. "Not only that but like, even if I looked like a girl there's no way people would look at the way I act and not tell."

Because Tommy knows himself and the way he acts, he's loud and abrasive, trying to take all the space in the room and all the eyes on him. Not necessarily because he enjoys it but because it's a need for him. Tommy needs people to look at him and form opinions so he can fit most of them, trying hard to make it look like he's not giving all of himself in pretending to be the highschool boy archetype. "Even when I don't feel good making jokes about, I don't know, dicks or just being nosy in general… It just comes out without me noticing, there's no way people won't tell."

Eret looks like they want to say something, opening and closing their mouth and looking puzzled, brows furrowing. "So you think this about other trans people? Is this what you think about Eret, for example?" Fundy asks. Tommy can't help but feel like someone just threw water at him, body suddenly cold and face losing color.

He yelps, "No! I know how hard it is! I would never-"

"Then why is it different for you, Tommy?"

He breaks down crying. Not feeling strong enough to afront the truth yet, he looks down. Hands in fists so tight it almost hurts, what he feels is something akin to jealousy if not that. Jealousy of girls who look dainty and pretty in ways he'll never be able to be. His eyes burn and tears start to fall, barely making sound as they clash on his lap.

Drip, drip.

"Tommy, can you look at me?" He shakes his head.

"Why?"

"I'll ruin your makeup with my tears."

Eret giggles, saying they can fix it with no problem. Fundy gives him a light smack on his head, not strong enough to hurt. "Don't put yourself in standards you wouldn't put anyone else." Easier said than done. "You are a girl, therefore you look like a girl, that's all there is to it."

Fundy cares in odd ways, Tommy has realized over the weeks. Still not sure if it's part of his hybrid nature or it's simply a Fundy thing, he likes it either way.

"Being trans is a journey, 'kay? That means there'll be ups and downs." He accentuates every word with his index finger tapping his chest, making him laugh a little. "Most of us didn't look the way we wanted to when we started transitioning, it doesn't make us less for that. You are not immune to change, dumb child."

He nods, sniffing and asks Eret if they can finish the makeup, they nod and start to work again, fixing the tear tracks with care.

Using an old skirt in his brother's room can't compare to wearing a whole outfit with makeup, this is so much better.

Fundy's old clothes are not exactly his taste, per se -Tommy's not even sure what his taste in clothing is- but Eret makes it work. To be honest, this whole ordeal would be a mess without her; she's the only one who knows how to style clothes… Fundy and him tried, they really did but if Eret's grimace told them anything is that it looked awful.

So, for Tommy's sake, she was in charge of not only makeup but also styling the clothes and hair, for good measure.

He's wearing a long skirt this time, it reaches his ankles, Eret called it a maxi skirt or something like that -frankly he doesn't care- and a black blouse. Eret also gives a cardigan and waits for him to put it on to check how the complete outfit looks like.

She smiles, putting a hand on her chin, looking awfully proud of herself. "You'd kill it with some platform shoes but I know we're still dealing with height insecurity so vans it is. Also it wouldn't be safe when you don't know how to walk on them."

Tommy nods, not having an idea what could count as a decent reply.

"Okay then! Finally, hair." She pushes him until he's sitting on the bed, looking at Fundy who just shrugs. "I can work with the mess you have on your head and style it or we could use one of my wigs, the choice is yours."

"Why do you have wigs?"

"Mind your business, fox boy."

He ends up choosing the wig option, saying it would be better to wait until his hair is longer to style it. Eret insists on taking a photo of him before Fundy takes him to the subway, he refuses, using as excuse the fact that he knows jackshit on how to pose but ends up giving in.

"Baby's first trip alone" she jokes looking at the photo, "look how pretty you are, Tommy."

He takes the phone and- oh wow, holy shit is that really him? He looks awesome. "Can you send me this?"

"Send it to me too. Let's go, Tommy."

On the station, Fundy simply tells him to go to a place he's sure his friends won't go or at least, a place they don't visit that much, no matter how far it is.

"I would go with you but you are a stubborn child who won't let me help." he says, with fake annoyance. Making a gesture with his hands he keeps going "Just go. You better be at Eret's flat before six, text me if you get lost."

"Jeez, dad, I get it." He jokes.

On the subway, there's a boy who won't stop looking at him and it makes him incredibly insecure. He's standing while the boy is seated but everytime their glances cross, he gets red as a tomato and looks away leaving Tommy even more confused.

He's never experienced something like this, what is he supposed to do?

The realization hits him after getting off the subway. The boy thought he was pretty… Holy shit, the boy thought he was pretty! He doesn't even like men but he's so excited! People are seeing him like the woman he actually is.

The steps he takes feel a thousand times lighter, he's almost skipping and without much thought he enters the first shop he sees.

He avoids talking unless it's necessary, afraid someone can tell what he's trying to hide but manages to have fun either way. A girl smiled at him and he almost went weak at the knees, it feels different when he's dressed like this.

Between going from shop to shop and giving shy smiles to every girl who complimented his skirt, Tommy realizes the train that takes him home passes in 20 minutes, so he runs.

The maxi skirt brushes his legs at the long strides and he's never felt this great in his life, even when his cheeks are awfully warm and his legs are about to give up.

Eret's working on something when he arrives at her flat, she apologizes, Tommy tells her it's okay and goes to take off the makeup by himself while waiting for Fundy.

When the fox hybrid comes, Tommy is already in his usual clothes, the other clothes are neatly folded next to him. On the way home, Fundy gives him the clothes with a 'they're yours now' and tells him to keep them hidden in his hoodie until he's sure no one's watching. After hiding the clothes in his closet, he texts both Fundy and Eret a thanx and goes to sleep, giggling into his pillow.

Months later, Tommy realizes something; he's not trying as hard to be perceived as a man like he did some time ago.

At first it's not obvious to him, it's a subtle change after all. He still cusses like a sailor, but the pitch of his voice has been getting higher as the weeks pass, it was bizarre at best. That's until Tommy manages to change the flow of his phrasing; if someone was asked to describe the experience they would probably say 'odd', it feels like watching someone learning to talk again but Tommy looks happy enough to know it's not forced.

The next thing that changes are his mannerisms, they barely do in his opinion, Tommy is still, well, Tommy, other people don't see it that way. He's still loud and abrasive but also there's a softness that shows up sometimes in the form of soft thank you's to strangers, the way he plays with his hands and the way he makes himself smaller without realizing.

Tubbo and Ranboo are the first ones to notice it, they won't mention anything Tommy is not ready to say, that doesn't mean other people won't.

Every time someone makes a joke about his new behaviour, he makes sure to act extra masculine for the next hours, days even, and everybody seems to forget it. Obviously, people catch up after a couple of times.

It happens in the class Tommy doesn't share with anyone. The teacher left for a couple of minutes and a classmate sat on the desk next to him.

"Why do you act so weird, man?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, dickhead." He scoffed, however he subtly spread his previously crossed legs.

His classmate tsks and pushes his shoulder, taunting "Don't act stupid now. You look like a man trying to be a woman."

Tommy sucks a breath. He knows the support group is part of the reason he's been acting differently, the trans femmes there have been giving him tips on how to look -sound, whatever- more femenine and the excitement didn't let him think of the consequences… until now.

Keeping his voice as stable as possible he replies, "You're the only one who's fucking seeing that."

"C'mon now, are you sure there's nothing you want to tell us?"

"Have you considered shutting the fuck up?"

"Does Tommy want to be a girl?"

Tommy slams his hands on his desk standing up and without thinking twice, he punches his classmate on the nose. It's not strong enough to break it but it'll definitely leave a bruise. "You're a fucking twat!"

He grabs his backpack and throws everything on his desk on it, not even caring if something will end up damaged and walks to the door, looking back at the rest of his class.

"The way I act" He snarls, eyes burning with unshed tears "it's no ones fucking business! Next time anyone pulls something like this I'll beat the shit out of them."

That day, Tommy left school early and neither his friends or family needed to know if he was sobbing on the way home.

When he is finally home, he throws his backpack on the floor and locks himself in the bathroom, the reflection making fun of him.

You look like a man trying to be a woman. Does Tommy want to be a girl? You look like a man trying to be a woman. Does T-

He punches the wall and screams.

He'll show those fuckers the awesome woman he is.

One of the times they go out together, Tommy decides to ask what he has been wondering for months, playing with his hair which now reaches below his ears; it's not exactly a femenine cut, at least not yet, but the euphoria of knowing his hair is growing is immense.

"Why are you helping me with this?" Is said softly. They're sitting in the back of the bus, it's usually packed at this hour but it's unusually empty today, the other passengers sit on the front ignoring the both of them who are practically hidden from the rest.

Fundy's ear twitches at the question and he gives him a mischievous grin, "Trans solidarity, Tommy. You're one of us now." As a way to make it seem more serious, Fundy lifts his pinky and waits for him to do the same.

Tommy doesn't think he gets Fundy's reasoning completely but he smiles while intertwining their pinkies, either way.

Healing probably feels like this.

Tommy starts playing with the end of his skirt while he calls Tubbo, vaguely he thinks that coming out like this it's a bit rude but he's scared. He's so scared Tubbo won't be okay with this like he was with Fundy, it would completely break him and Tommy's never been good at dealing with negative emotions. So, he'll have to deal with getting the news in a phone call.

"Tommy?"

"Tubbo…" He mutters, gripping his skirt harder than ever. It's stupid when he thinks about it, he's about to come out to his best friend in a phone call while he's barely hiding in the middle of a subway, the clothes feeling so tight on him and the earrings are so heavy now.

"Is there anything wrong? Do you need help?" He hears the ram hybrid talk to someone in the back. "Ranboo is here with me but we can go out if you need to."

Ranboo is with Tubbo. Alright, that's nothing he can't deal with, it's easier that way, two birds with one stone. It'll be faster like that.

"No! No… I just need to tell you something, you can put yourself on speaker if you want to, so Ranboo can hear it too."

He's going to cry. "I'm putting you on speaker, then." Tommy can hear Ranboo on the back, saying hi. "Alright, what do you need, big man?"

There it is.

"I…" Why is coming out so hard? It should be easier! He just has to say three words: I am trans. That's it, so why is it so hard? "I just… Right, what do you two know about trans people?" He'll work with this.

"…Trans people?" Tubbo starts rambling. "I know the basics, I guess. Fundy is trans, right?" Ranboo hums on the back. "Why this question all of sudden, is someone we know trans? Wilbur? No I don't think Wilbur is, nor Niki… So," Ranboo starts talking too, Tommy can hear him ask about Technoblade and thinks he can hear Quackity's name too.

"So… you get what am I saying, right?" He cuts them off. God, he probably should've done this in a more delicate way. "It's me. I know I don't look like- and… and there's things I'm still figuring out but I wanted you to know- I really trust you guys." Tommy's voice doesn't break, it doesn't.

"Tommy- Tommy? Where are you now?"

"I'm on the subway," he can hear Tubbo and Ranboo talking to each other but before one of them can talk he continues; "I needed a place where I could be myself so Fundy and Eret have been helping me… sometimes Fundy gives me some of his old clothes and I go somewhere while I'm using them… Eret knows about makeup."

"Is that why you disappear like, twice a month? Hold on, Ranboo-"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, he's just asking if we can go with you."

"I don't know, Tubbz. I'm wearing a skirt and jewelry right now… I have makeup too, I'm not sure if you two want to see me like that."

"You're just being mean to yourself now," says Ranboo, sounding almost mad. "We want to see you."

Tommy sighs, looking up while he rests all his weight on the wall. "I'll send my location."

"Good."

Tommy's sitting on a bench when Tubbo comes running at full speed to him, Ranboo's behind him, walking. Tommy doesn't realize what's happening until it's too late, his best friend screams distracting him enough to be stunned when slightly calloused hands go to each side of his face to keep it still and then…

Their heads are smashed against each other. Someone hisses on the back, probably Ranboo.

"What the fuck?!"

"Sorry about that, I couldn't stop him." The enderman hybrid giggles, sitting besides Tommy. "His reasoning to do it is correct, though."

"What is wrong with you?!" He thinks he's bleeding.

"You were being mean to yourself!" It's the same situation all over again, Fundy said it, Eret said it and now they're saying it… Tommy's not being mean to he- himself! Damnit! He's just being honest about it.

He knows what people think when they see him in dresses and makeup. He knows better than disagreeing, however, so he stops thinking about it. Changing topics, he jokes about getting ice cream- it's not that Tommy really wants one but it's the easiest way to make them forget about it. Tubbo gives him a glare, as a way of saying We are not done yet, he prefers not to think about it.

Hanging out with them while he's dressing like this, he finds, it's quite pleasant. Ranboo's taller than him by almost five inches and Tommy selfishly drowns in the euphoria of not being the tallest around people his age.

So now he has a popsicle about to melt in his hand and a stupid smile his face. It feels like finding something he never knew was lost, it feels right. It feels so, so sweet.

He zones out while taking the last bite of the popsicle, keeping the stick in his mouth. He thinks he can hear Tubbo saying to not do that, ripping it from his mouth and throwing it, he's not interested enough to see if that's what happened.

"...mmy. Tommy goddamnit-"

"Huh?"

"Look we don't want to pressure you but, pronouns? A different name?"

"What- Ranboo! You said I could ask that!" Tubbo protests, grabbing his shirt and moving him around. Tommy stares at them, startled, they have the decency to look a bit embarrassed.

Tommy stays silent, processing what just happened. No one has ever asked about it, most people just assume for him. So he never considered someone asking for it. It's not like he can complain, 'cuz he never corrected anyone about it.

"If it makes you feel better, I don't have an answer yet." He looks at his hands, they're not as delicate as he wants them to be and it's so stupid, but he can't help but tear up because of it, late in the night when no one hears him.

Maybe he should paint his nails. "I don't let myself think as anything other than him, 'cause I still have to be him, y'know what I mean?" He clears his throat. Maybe a red colour would be nice. "I thought I could ignore this for the rest of my life, because that's better than rejection, rejection is scary. Even now, when I'm so happy I could run and scream because you are here, I'm scared." Deep down, he knows he should look the both of them in the eyes but this type of honesty was never his best quality.

"Toms-"

"I do want a different name, though." He interrupts. "I haven't choosed anything yet, sorry." Getting up, he pretends to dust off his skirt and starts walking. He looks back. "I want to buy nail polish, if that's ok."

If Tubbo ends up buying him bee hair clips, that's no one's business. If Ranboo buys him a bracelet with flowers on it, that's between the three of them. And if he ends up crying, messing up his makeup and repeating thank you over and over again, that's okay.

just told tubbo and ranboo, is sent to Fundy and Eret later that day. Proud of you, big woman! and cool are the responses.

He smiles.

The decision happens in the middle of the night, because that's when Tommy thinks about gender and transitioning. It's almost two am but this is important and it can't wait anymore.

(It can, a couple of hours won't affect how people react to this. That doesn't mean Tommy prefers waiting until the morning.)

i prefer the feminine ones, the text says. The same thing will be sent to Fundy, Eret, Tubbo and Ranboo. It's not as discreet as desired, but it is enough. She hopes everybody gets it, because typing something similar to my pronouns are she/her knowing that anybody can check her friends' phones or hers sounds too risky.

After she sends it, Tommy hides the phone underneath her pillows, anxious as to whatever the response would be.

Two minutes later, someone replies; with trembling hands she grabs the phone unlocking it without looking at the notifications. Inhale, exhale.

Like most things regarding her transition, Fundy is the one who sees it first. She's starting to see a pattern.

K

"Is that it?" she whispers, stunned. She just- She just made an extremely hard decision! It took months, years even, to acknowledge; and the only thing this wannabe fox will say is okay? How is that fair?

proud of you btw

Oh, that's better.

Feeling warm and dizzy with happiness, Tommy goes to sleep late in the night and she wakes up with the rest of her friends being equally as happy.

Choosing a name it's hard.

She has spent hours and hours in baby names sites, on YouTube, on Twitter, on Reddit for fucks sake. Any place she can get the minimum help, she'll search it.

Tubbo and Ranboo try to help and she loves them for it. Speech wise, all of them have been struggling to find ways to refer to her without using her deadname for the past weeks. At first she didn't mind being referred as Tommy, it was her name after all, even if she planned to change it soon, but somewhere between coming out, choosing new pronouns and realizing how she is perceived in general; it broke her.

So after crying when Tubbo calls her Toms, her deadname is a hard no.

Back to the present, she's still nameless but no longer worried about being called by her deadname, a step in the right direction. She's in Tubbo's room right now, laying on his bed while him and Ranboo try to finish homework -they're both using his phones instead of actually trying, she won't say anything about it-.

Tubbo occasionally suggests names starting with a T, she writes most of them in a notebook that she keeps with her at all times, Ranboo thinks it's a bit weird and tells her that she could keep them on her phone, she doesn't tell him that the paranoia doesn't let her trust her phone.

It reaches the point where she apologizes for not being able to choose a name, feeling like it's too much; they keep her feminine clothes hidden for her already, that's the only reason she's able to wear the uniform skirt right now. The two boys argue with her saying it's nothing, she gives up.

"What about Theia or Thea?" She laughs saying it's too corny but subtly writes them on the notebook, thinking about Techno.

As requested, most of the names suggested for the notebook start with T, 'cause she's afraid of people saying it's too hard to change. It's logical, she thinks, if people don't want to use her name they can call her Big T.

None of the names make her euphoric like she expected, though.

Baby name sites can only help so much, they're full of dumb names that don't make sense at all. She doesn't like how similar Tommie is to her birth name, Tori is pretty but it doesn't feel like it's made for her, the name Toy doesn't even feel right.

Her fingers hover over the button with the letter C in the website. The name she's thinking about it's nowhere near similar to Tommy… it's longer, it's almost impossible to see it as a gender neutral name, it's nothing like him.

And yet, she yearns for it.

The memory of the name is ingrained in her brain, she remembers joking about it while talking to Quackity. A pet moth named Clementine, she almost laughs.

She wonders how much is too much. It's not like she'll say it outloud, but the thought of someone not accepting her or even worse, saying it's too complicated to change makes her want to cry.

How hard would be the change between Tommy and Clementine for her classmates?

But why should she care about how others will think about her transition? Fuck them.

She's a selfish person, maybe that's okay. "I like the name Clementine."

Ranboo and Tubbo look up to her, shock evident in their faces, she holds her breath.

"That's a pog mame!" Her shoulders finally lose the tension accumulated over the weeks.

"Yeah, pog." Clementine giggles.

Wilbur finds out in a less than ideal way. College is a pain in the ass and one of his professors keeps asking for his highschool diploma, because he lost it. The college is supposed to have it, seems like that is a lie because now he's walking through the hallways of his old highschool.

It takes forty minutes of arguing with an old man to get the damn diploma ('I graduated less than three years ago! How are you unable to find me on the records?') but he finally has a copy of it in his hands. It's tiring, Wilbur is so tired, he hates arguing… The only thing he wants to do right now is go home and sleep the day away.

On the brighter side, maybe he could find Tommy and tease him for a little bit.

Finding Tommy, he realizes, it's a lot harder than it should be. His little brother is taller than most kids his age, a 6"2' menace, how do you manage to not find someone like that?

He doesn't find Tommy, however, he does find Tubbo and Ranboo, leaning against a wall near the bathroom. There should be no reason for that to be weird but Wilbur knows -he went to this highschool until a couple of years, for the love of god- that's the girls bathroom. It shouldn't be weird, but Wilbur can see it despite them trying to hide it by talking to each other, they're nervous.

They are acting as a lookout.

It comes as a shock to Wilbur. He knows these kids… yeah, they may be ruthless and little gremlins when together but they're shy.. and generally respectful. But it doesn't matter what he thinks, he has to do something about it.

Just when he's about to approach them, Tommy comes out of the bathroom, hands wet and barely visible blush. He looks incredibly jittery.

Tubbo almost jumps when he comes out, smiling wider than he has seen in months, maybe. Ranboo does too, softly clapping, probably avoiding making much noise. His little brother smiles, hiding the now visible blush with his forearm.

A bet? It looks like that.

The three of them run before he can call them out, giggles echoing the hallway.

It's not until hours later that Wilbur brings up the situation. He knocks on Tommy's door and waits until he opens, thinking this is the best time to do it, now that Phil and Techno are not home. "Can we talk?"

Tommy looks at Tubbo and Ranboo, sitting on the floor and then back at him, raising an eyebrow.

"Sure thing, big man." He leans on the door frame, sighing.

"I went to your highschool earlier." he starts.

"Is that all? You could've say hi to us, y'know"

"I was going to." Wilbur grumbles. "Then I saw the three of you in the girls bathroom."

Tommy opens his eyes, face turning pale. "Oh"

"Yeah, oh. I… I feel like this shouldn't be explained but that's not something you should do. It doesn't matter if it's a bet or not."

"It- It wasn't a bet."

"How is that better, Tommy?"

Ranboo seems to get more frustrated each time Wilbur talks. "We made sure no one was in the bathroom." He hisses.

"That doesn't make it any better, Ranboo. None of you are getting it."

"But it's not fair! You're not listening to us, we're telling you we made sure the bathroom was empty!" Tubbo argued, his face getting redder.

"How is that relevant?! Don't you get how weird that is?" Wilbur barks.

"You're being unfair to Cl- Tommy!"

Clementine clenches her jaw so intensely it burns. "You two should leave," she practically begs. "I'll deal with this, don't worry."

They leave, not without arguing first, but Clementine can deal with that better than she can handle three people fighting in her room.

She sits on her bed and waits for Wilbur to do the same. Looking at him it's hard, so she avoids it by looking at her shoes; they're an old gift and they were designed as the 'use only at home' shoes as her dad calls them.

When Clementine runs out of things to look at she talks, voice wavering. "Remember the time we went to a fair? I'm pretty sure it was a fair or a carnival or whatever the name is," she starts, still refusing to look Wilbur in the eyes. Logically speaking, her brother won't react in a bad way. She just doesn't feel ready, no, she does- she's coming out for a reason but she didn't want to do it in a situation like this. "And I wouldn't stop looking at this girl who-"

"Who was trans." He interrupts, almost bitter. "How is this related?"

"It didn't matter how fucking hard I tried, the girl wouldn't leave my mind." She ignores him. "I couldn't stop thinking about her and what her bare existence implied, even when you said staring at people is rude -which it is- I just couldn't. I spent a lot of time thinking there was something wrong with me," Being honest sucks, this is so embarrassing. "I used to think 'wow i'm an arse, i can't leave this girl alone just because she's trans' or something like that."

Her brother tries to say something, but she doesn't let him.

"Recently I realized I didn't have something against her... instead I wanted to be like her." she croaks, voice going stupidly high.

Before Clementine can continue, Wilbur is crushing her in a hug. "You're so brave, y'know that?" He raises a hand to her hair, detangling it gently. "I'm so sorry I made you come out like that…"

She hides her head in the crook of his neck and starts to cry. Ugly sobbing while she grabs his sweater and trembles, because coming out is incredibly scary and the adrenaline has finally left her body. Wilbur waits until the sobbing and trembling stops to ask about pronouns and a different name, cradling her body from side to side.

He giggles when she tells them her name is Clementine, "Like the pet moth." He teases but is said with such adoration that she could cry again.

They hug until Phil and Techno come to the house. There's a warm feeling in her chest.

"I came out to Wilbur." She says, throwing herself onto one of the couches and sighs. None of her trans femme friends are here today so she feels alone right now. It's selfish, all of them said earlier on Discord they couldn't go and it's not like she doesn't have other friends here. Clementine just… Clementine just wants someone who gets what she's going through here with her. Fundy must be getting tired of her at this point.

"Did it go well?" Fundy asks. "I don't care if he's my friend or older than me, I can always beat him up."

Despite everything, she giggles. It sounds tired, though. "It did, I would be surprised if it didn't." She brushes off.

"But…?"

"But…" She begins, "I don't think I was ready, y'know? It's not like I didn't have a choice -kinda-, but this was the easier way to deal with it."

He hums.

"I know it's not that big of a deal…" It is, at least to her. "And it's not like I'm not happy about Wilbur knowing- I'm just tired. And- and," she hides her face between her hands. Sighing before continuing. "Shouldn't I be feeling happy that I was able to come out? Not everyone can and…"

"Clementine, take a deep breath."

She rolls her eyes even though her face is still hidden with one hand. Eret wouldn't do this to her, Fundy fucking sucks.

"I told someone else about this too," he asks who, she glares at him "It doesn't matter, dickhead. Point is, I told other people about this, they said I was being selfish."

He frowns but let's her keep talking, nonetheless.

"They said, and I quote, most trans people don't feel bad after coming out so maybe I'm just faking it for attention."

His almost apathetic act falls completely after she stops talking, he mumbles something Clementine can't understand and it only makes her feel more insecure about it.

"And maybe they're right, Fundy! I'm just a farce" It's frantic, voice wavering. Hands trembling in her lap.

"Clementine, I'm going to be as blunt as possible, because you need it." She doesn't want to look up, unsure if she's strong enough for this. It's so cruel, she thinks. Why can't people be honest about it?

"Your safety will always be your priority, whether you realize it or not." Fundy says slowly, grabbing her shoulders and trying to look her in the eyes. "Everything you do or not do, is for your safety. You have spent all your life protecting yourself. Hiding is a part of that."

She nods, tears running down her face. Fundy makes the attempt to hug her and it's weird because neither of them are used to hugging each other.

"Stop talking to them."

She wheezes. "Thank you."

"Where's Wilbur?"

Phil makes a sound of confusion before answering,

"He's in college, mate."

"Oh."

Clementine feels like her heart is going to fall out of her ass.

She decided to come out to the rest of her family the day Wilbur has classes at seven in the morning. It's okay, she's no pussy, she'll do it after finishing her breakfast.

"You look happier. Not that I care." Is what Techno says.

She nods, "I am happier." The both of them look pleased, her brother tries to pretend he's not but she can see right through him.

They eat in silence until Clementine finishes her bowl of cereal pushing it aside and mumbles, "I want to change my name. Legally…"

Phil looks at her perplexed, "Sure, mate. Can I know why?"

She takes a deep breath "Because I'm a girl. Trans. Trans girl, I mean."

They both look at her with wide eyes, she's about to back down and say it was just a joke when her dad screams A daughter! The shock doesn't leave his face but he looks elated.

"I- I know, my birth name is Thomas Theseus but I thought that maybe we could change it," Her hands are so sweaty, holy fuck. "I like the name Clementine-" Phil fakes a sob, calling her a tangerine while mumbling something similar to 'my daughter is so cute' she looks at him, amused but continues "and Techno…" He raises an eyebrow when she brings out her notebook. "I know you're the only one who calls me Theseus, but the name is too masculine for me to like it."

He grabs the notebook, Phil getting closer to take a look. The names Thea and Theia are the only ones highlighted, she grins "Smart, innit?"

"You are a pain in the ass," Techno says "I do like the name though, both of them."

That's how the name Clementine Theia Craft comes to life.

It's almost July.

After coming out to her family, they decide to check the legal process of changing names, it takes more than expected and it's so much more expensive than it should be. She's willing to wait because she doesn't want to come out to her highschool, not after what happened last time and the deed poll can work just fine until she gets to college.

In the meantime, Wilbur and Phil argue that this should be celebrated, Techno stays silent but he looks vaguely excited. It's embarrassing in her opinion but she's also glowing in happiness to protest about anything.

Wilbur invites some of his friends with her permission, that's how Niki, Jack, Eret and Fundy come. She's not complaining about the first two because they brought out gifts and she was going to invite Eret and Fundy anyways.

Ranboo is talking to Niki while Tubbo is showing Jack something on his phone so she goes to the kitchen and opens a can of coke while resting on the counter. There's a cake on the table, the frosting is blue, pink and white. She's quite far from being able to read what it says but she's pretty sure the name Clementine is there.

Fundy joins her after a couple of minutes.

"I'm happy for you." He says, ruffling her hair.

"I am, too, bitch boy."

Fundy rolls his eyes, but the smile doesn't leave his face.

"Good."