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It’s quiet, the sort of night that you lose yourself in thinking. For everyone it’s a little different what they think about but it’s always something. For Jinsoul, it was always something about love.
If you asked her she’ll laugh and say that it’s because all she does is read love stories. But really in the quiet of her room when the only thing in front of her is the darkness and the light from her phone she can’t help but think about her.
It’s cliche, overly cliche but Jinsoul is in love with her best friend, it’s a classic case of melodrama, of pining, a story that she’s read too many times but somehow she loves her anyways.
Sooyoung, the girl she’s been in love with for so long, it’s been years, too long for her to count but she remembers how it felt to fall for her. They were in high school, she doesn’t remember exactly when but she remembers feeling that pull, when holding hands meant more to her than before, how she started following Sooyoung with her eyes and when she first realized that everything in her head was just Sooyoung .
Reminiscing about it made it worse, and honestly she thought that in time it would get better but really that’s what happens when you love someone like this it’s just a string of feeling better and getting worse, you think you're over them but then you’re not again. In reality though even when it feels like it’s over you realize you’re still looking at them, that it’s still them.
*Sigh*
Jinsoul knows that thinking about it won’t make it any better, that there is no magic solution and really she needs to sleep but it’s always hard when your head is filled with nagging thoughts.
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not always bad when you’re pining for someone. There’s good days and bad days. It's not as depressing or sad as people think it is. Well for the most part that is, on days like today Jinsoul’s really just not sure about the validity of that statement.
Knowing that she’s not gonna get any sleep anytime soon, Jinsoul gets up. The heaviness in her chest makes her feel anxious, like she needs to move around to get rid of it but there’s really nothing she can do about it.
Still she tries anyway.
She opens her bedroom door, the darkness covering everything making it feel harder to move around in, it feels almost solid only broken by the lights outside her window breaking up pieces of it. Slowly she makes her way to the kitchen. She feels around for the light switch flooding her small space with light as she flicks it on.
She squints, letting her eyes adjust to the light before grabbing her cup from the drying rack. She frowns, this is her favourite cup but it’s because Sooyoung gave it to her for Christmas, the mug having blue betta’s swimming across its surface and while Jinsoul loved the thoughtfulness behind it, it left a bitter feeling in her mouth after her drink.
If she’s honest, it’s gotten bad recently because Sooyoung is dating again. Jinsoul has met the girl and honestly she can’t see what Sooyoung sees in her. Or she’s just saying that to make herself feel better because Sooyoung won’t even look at her. Either way she didn’t like them all that much.
She makes her way back to her room contemplating just hooking up with someone to make herself feel better but honestly she got tired of that pretty quickly. No matter who she was with, or what they were doing eventually they would all just lead her back to Sooyoung.
She stares at her phone, it’s only 10:45pm she’s contemplating calling Jungeun over whether as a hook up or just a friend she’ll figure out later but she doesn’t know what she wants right now.
Before she can make up her mind though her phone goes off, lighting up her face with the name of the girl who she can’t get out of her mind right now.
She sighs again, wondering why she does this to herself, as she stares at the name “Sooyoung <333” plastered on her screen.
She picks up. Of course she does.
“Jinsssoullll.” Sooyoung whines as soon as she connects, and Jinsoul already knows that the girl has been crying.
“Hey Soo? What’s wrong, babe? Are you ok?” Jinsoul asks gently, her first instinct is to comfort her, all other emotions are replaced with concern and Jinsoul can feel her heart tightening at the sound of the other girl’s sobbing.
“Can you come here?” Sooyoung pleads.
Jinsoul closes her eyes, the darkness is the same in her room and behind her eyes but it’s all she can do to comfort herself because she already knows that she’s walking herself into pain.
“Where are you?”
—
She’s not surprised to find her in the middle of a dingy bar, their dingy bar, one of the places that they claimed as theirs a long time ago, crying, her head between her arms on the table. It’s a scene that she’s found herself all too familiar with throughout the years. If it’s any consolation at least both Jinsoul and Sooyoung know that they can’t live without the other, though that might be true for one party more than the other.
Jinsoul rolled her eyes at Sooyoung’s drunk state wondering which gods made her fall in love with this dumb idiot before she pulls up a chair beside her and places a hand on her back.
If Jinsoul had to guess it would be Aphrodite because only she’d be sadistic enough to enjoy this kind of melodrama.
“You can say it, you know? I won’t hold it against you.” she hears Sooyoung say in a slurred voice before taking her head off the table. Even though she was disgusted by the alcohol she could smell on her breath, one glance at her lips and she still couldn’t help but want to kiss Sooyoung senseless.
“You know I won’t say it, at least not until you're sober.” Sooyoung smiled, it was a wry amused smile, which looked a little dopey on her face but still she knew she was staring a little too long at her lips, but the black haired girl couldn’t help it.
The sound of Sooyoung’s soft chuckling snapped Jinsoul out of her daze.
She felt the tips of her ears burn.
Sooyoung caught her staring at her lips shit shit shit shit shit .
Before she could try and cover up her mistake, Sooyoung called her name.
“Jinsoulliiieeee. My Jinsoulie. You’re too nice to me you know.”
‘My Jinsoullie’ Jinsoul couldn’t help but feel her chest tighten at her words, and she hoped that it didn’t show on her face the effect that those words had on her. How she couldn’t help but think about how much she truly was her’s.
Fuck, Jinsoul needs to snap out of it,but she couldn’t help the butterflies that were fluttering in her chest, the warmth of it, the thought of being hers. She wanted it to be real, she wished so badly that it could be true.
“Jinsoullie, are you listening to me?”
“Hmmm? Yea of course I am,” said Jinsoul, trying to fake it, nodding her head vigorously as if the faster she nodded the more Sooyoung would believe her blatant lie.
“C’mon, Jinsoullieee, listen to me.” Sooyoung said, and Jinsoul curses that drunk or not Sooyoung knew her too well to fall for a dumb lie like that.
Sooyoung started to pout. The one that made the entirety of their college student body want to do anything for her, the one that made Jinsoul fall for her.
Jinsoul let’s out a sigh, closing her eyes, trying her best to escape Sooyoung's pout and puppy dog eyes.
“Yea yea, I’m listening, Soo.” Jinsoul mumbled.
As she opened her eyes she flinched not expecting the other girl’s face to be this close to her.
Pushing her head away, partially so she could hide the blush she knew was developing on her face and partially because she knew it would make the other girl laugh she continued.
“Yea I get it, Soo, I promise I’ll listen.”
Even though she knew it was coming, Sooyoung's giggles still made her insides feel tight.
“Like I was saying you’re so nice to me, Jinsoul, too nice to me. I really don’t deserve you. You’d make a great girlfriend one day, better than all my stupid exes you know?”
“Wow, you’re really drunk, Soo.”
“Hey, I mean it!”
Jinsoul laughed, at times like this she could almost think that Sooyoung might feel something for her after all.
—-
The cab ride home was surprisingly quiet, Sooyoung was too tired to say anything and Jinsoul was more than happy preoccupying herself with the city lights to distract herself from the feeling of Sooyoung’s head on her shoulder. She tried to stay still, not wanting to jostle her head. If she looked at the rearview mirror she could see the light reflecting off her and even in the reflection, with this drunk woman’s messed up makeup and messy hair, she still looked so pretty.
Sooyoung always did this when she broke up with someone. She would always give her hope. It was the last thing she needed, she wished she could just pretend that the words didn’t affect her that Sooyoung would make it easier for her but she never did. Everytime she said something nice to Jinsoul she couldn’t help but think if I’m so great, how come you don’t see me? If you think I’m so much better than your exes then date me instead.
Jinsoul tries to refocus on the lights of the city.
She sighed, trying not to think about it, knowing it would only make things worse.
Instead she chose to stare at Sooyoung through the mirror again. Watching her pretty face, how peaceful she looked when she was sleeping, how smooth her hair looked as the lights hit it. Jinsoul wishes that she wasn’t in love with her but everytime she looks at her face she can’t help but smile.
Slowly she took a strand of Sooyoung’s hair that fell in front of her face and tucked it behind her ear.
She wishes she could be like this with Sooyoung all the time. She wishes that she didn’t need a reason to be around her and that she could just show off how much she loved her.
That’s part of why it’s so hard. Hiding part of yourself is never easy especially when you want nothing more than to say how much you love them.
Rougher than she would’ve liked she was brought out of her thoughts by the cab coming to a stop.
—-
Bringing a clingy Sooyoung up to her apartment was equal parts amusing as it was frustrating, the young woman refusing to give her any space, clinging to any part of her.
Jinsoul would be lying if she said she didn’t like it, on the elevator Sooyoung grabbed her from behind, making them lean on the wall together, her hands on her waist. She really wanted this to mean something, but she never did know what to think with Sooyoung. Sooyoung started whispering something into her ear and while she really couldn’t make out all of it, her breath made her feel warm, her skin tingling where it hit. Damn Jinsoul was weak for this girl.
Too soon the elevator came to stop forcing the two girls apart.
As she tried to force Sooyoung through the door, Sooyoung kept whining and god why did she have to find it so cute. She could think of worse ways to spend her night than stuck in an elevator with her best friend especially if back hugs and cuddling was involved.
Against her better judgement she decided that she really had to get Sooyoung home.
Unless you’ve ever tried to bring a drunk person home you wouldn’t understand how exhausting it is to try to take care of a drunk person while keeping them from falling over.
It was all Jinsoul could do to try and keep the taller girl upright while she opened the door.
Eventually they made their way inside and Sooyoung all but collapsed on the couch as soon Jinsoul let go of her.
Jinsoul sighed, taking her coat off and throwing it over Sooyoung in a small act of pettiness.
She turned her kitchen light on, grabbing a cold bottle of water and making her way to her friend. Lifting Sooyoung’s head so it was on her lap, she pressed the cold water bottle on her head, chuckling at the brunette’s discomfort, before helping her sit up and making her take the drink.
“Feeling better?”
Sooyoung’s only reply was a small “mhm.” before resting her head against Jinsoul’s shoulder. Jinsoul wrapped her arm around her reflexibly always attuned to the other girl, knowing that this was what Sooyoung wanted from her.
“Jinsoul.”
“Mhmm.” replied Jinsoul, as she played with the ends of hair.
“Don’t let me date anyone again.”
Jinsoul chuckled, this wouldn’t have been the first time that Sooyoung asked her to do such a thing.
“Sure, Soo, as long as you don’t let me buy more legos too.” She replied with a roll of her eyes.
Sooyoung let out a groan, “Now you’re just making fun of me.”
“Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.”
“No you definitely are.
“I still don’t get why you’re dating so many girls Soo? Do you even like them?”
“Honestly not really.”
Jinsoul shifted so that she was looking at Sooyoung’s face. She saw Sooyoung looking much more serious than normal. Now she was curious.
“Then why are you dating them?”
Sooyoung stayed silent, Jinsoul saw something she wasn’t used to seeing from Sooyoung, and it took her a second to realize that it was hurt.
Deciding to push a little bit more, she asked. “Soo?”
“It’s nothing, pretend I didn't say anything.”
“Soo, come on it’s me-”
“Jinsoul… please.”
She let out another sigh before shifting so she was facing forward again. “Ok.”
After that it was quiet, so quiet that she thought Sooyoung fell asleep.
Before she could check if she was off in dreamland, Soo shot up grabbing Jinsoul’s hand.
Jinsoul got up, silently following Sooyoung to her bedroom. Sooyoung’s been in her house often enough that she could find her way in the dark, even if she was still a little drunk.
Sooyoung dragged them to her room leaving Jinsoul on her bed before making her way to her closet. Sooyoung grabbed her clothes, the ones she had left for whenever she would unexpectedly crash at Jinsoul’s house. Jinsoul watched silently as her friend walked first to her closet and then back to her, before she leaned over, telling her that she was going to take a shower and would be right back.
“Are you sure you’ll be ok?”
Sooyoung smiled, it was her charming smile, and Jinsoul could still make it out in the dark, her face close enough that Jinsoul could swear she could count the moles on it.
“Of course.”
Sooyoung grabbed the blanket at the foot of her bed, before draping it over Jinsoul, and kissing her forehead.
“I’ll be right back.”
Jinsoul watched the other girl walk out of her door.
The sound of the shower and the peaceful ambience of the sounds of the city below them made Jinsoul sleepy and slowly she could feel herself falling asleep.
She was just about dozing off when she felt a body slide into her bed beside her.
“Jinsou, are you asleep.”
Jinsoul groaned in reply, burying her head into the pillow.
Sooyoung laughed, wrapping her arm around Jinsoul again, burying her head on the crook of her shoulder.
“Jinsoul?”
“Mhmm.”
“I love you.”
Jinsoul smiled, in her sleepy state the words made her feel warm inside.
“I love you too, Soo.” Jinsoul said before shifting to try and get more comfortable.
Before she could fall asleep, she felt Sooyoung’s hand on her face. Sooyoung was telling her to turn over so that she could face the other girl.
Even in the smallest touches Jinsoul always knew what Sooyoung wanted.
So she turned to face the other girl.
As she opened her eyes she was surprised to see tears on Sooyoung’s face, and she looked scared, which was something that Jinsoul didn’t know what to do about. Her eyebrows furrowed her face full of concern.
She brought her hand to Sooyoung’s cheek, conveying her comfort through her touch rather than her words.
She caressed Sooyoung’s cheek, wiping away her tears.
“Soo? What’s wrong?” Jinsoul said quietly, trying to figure out why she was crying.
“I love you,” said Sooyoung, it was the same words but this time there was a pain in her voice that wasn’t there earlier.
“I love you too? Sooyoung?” Jinsoul was confused, why this was something that Sooyoung was crying over, this wasn’t anywhere close enough to the first time that they said “I love you” to each other.
Sooyoung shook her head.
“No…” Sooyoung said with fresh tears falling as she talked.
“Jung Jinsoul… I am in love with you.”
As soon as Sooyoung said those words, the black haired girl froze, her hand stopped moving and she felt as though she was hit in the face with cold water.
“What?” Jinsoul said plainly, still in shock.
Sooyoung only nodded, looking away in awkwardness.
Neither of them spoke. Sooyoung was waiting for an answer, and Jinsoul was feeling too many emotions to talk. Shock, confusion, relief. Honestly she wanted to be happy, but she needed to be sure. She spent so long believing that Sooyoung couldn’t love her back, so long getting her heart broken that she needed to be sure that what she heard was correct.
Sooyoung waited for her answer, her eyes trained on Jinsoul but as she showed no sign of responding Sooyoung was beginning to lose hope.
“Forget it.” she mumbled before moving to turn around.
Before she could, Jinsoul grabbed her chin , forcing Sooyoung to look at her again.
Sooyoung looked at her expectantly.
“I- do you mean it?”
Sooyoung nodded.
“Me? ”
Sooyoung chuckled, “Yes, you.” The smile on her face could only be described as loving.
Jinsoul could feel her heart leaping for joy but she needed answers before she accepted Sooyoung’s feelings.
“But what about, all of those girls?”
The smile on Sooyoung’s face fell. “I- I’m sorry.”
“I didn't think you would ever like me back and I was convinced, so convinced that there was no way that you would. So I tried to forget.”
Hearing Sooyoung’s words and seeing that wry smile on her face, the one that told her the truth. More than any of the words coming out of her mouth the look on her face told her what she went through. That she really thought that she was unloved, that Jinsoul didn’t love her back.
“Soo, you’re an idiot.”
Sooyoung looked down, shame filling her features.
“You’re an idiot because all this time, I’ve loved you too.”
Sooyoung’s head snapped back up. Jinsoul’s eyes were filled with love, and affection. All that she had been hiding from Sooyoung lay bare for her to see.
“Really?” Sooyoung whispered, smiling the whole while.
“Really.” Jinsoul whispered back.
“Does that mean that you’ll be my girlfriend?” Sooyoung asked confidently.
“No.” Jinsoul replied cheekily.
The look on Sooyoung’s face as all of her confidence fell was priceless, but deciding to let her off the hook Jinsoul laughed before leaning over to kiss her cheek.
“Ask me in the morning.” She whispered into Sooyoung’s ear.
Sooyoung's face relaxed, slowly as Jinsoul’s words and her kiss calmed her down.
Sooyoung pouted at her, the same one that she could never resist.
“You’re mean.”
Jinsoul laughed. “And you’re the one who went around dating other girls instead of asking me out.”
Sooyoung pouted even more. “...Fine I guess I deserve this.”
“You guess?” Jinsoul asked incredulously.
“I deserve this.”
Jinsoul laughed as Sooyoung pushed her shoulder gently, telling Jinsoul to turn around. As she did, she felt Sooyoung press her body against hers, her arms wrapping around waist once more, pulling her into the taller girl.
“I deserve that but I get to cuddle you tonight.”
Jinsoul laughed, before snuggling as much as she could into Sooyoung.”
“Good night, Sooyoung.” She said before closing her eyes.
“Good night, babe.” Sooyoung whispered in her ear.
Jinsoul smiled at those words.
Jinsoul fell asleep and for the first time in forever she didn’t dream.
---
Jinsoul woke up startled. She had been expecting Sooyoung to be beside her but she was freaking out because she wasn’t.
Before she could completely panic, the smell of bacon and eggs wafted through the air.
She got up, making her way to the kitchen just in time to see Sooyoung fixing the table with all of her favourite breakfast foods.
As soon as Soooyung saw her, her face broke into a smile.
“Is it too early to ask?”
“Were you gonna try to bribe me with food?” Jinsoul questioned with a smirk.
“Maybe?” Sooyoung said with a fake innocence, as she walked to Jinsoul and held her by the waist.
Jinsoul leaned up, stealing a kiss from Sooyoung.
It was short, too short for Jinsoul’s liking but it was sweet, and it was everything she ever wanted her first kiss with Sooyoung to be.
When they parted she could see stars in Sooyoung’s eyes, She knew that look because it's the same one that she always had whenever she would look at the taller girl.
“Be my girlfriend.” Sooyoung, said gently.
Jinsoul chuckled, gazing back softly.
“Yes.”