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A wordless and thoughtless Paul experienced what seemed almost infantile bliss. Everything just happened as it happened, and there was no process or reason behind it. The man didn’t even realize he was slowly being rocked gently, things just seem to spiral after he was forced to relinquished control. The terror that had grabbed hold of him began to ease, but still was alive and paced in his heart. A ferocious beast, ready to strike if anything gets too close, but the closeness was so inviting. As much as he fought the idea, he knew he was starving for something. Something he didn’t have the terminology to vocalize what it was.
The world was upside down or he was, the Beatle wasn’t sure. The simplicity of just being held himself was wondrous as an enigma. He had cried for a considerable time. He was embarrassed that he wet the shirt of the prestigious man who circumference his very being at this point. This was humiliating, even though he had encouraged others to do the same with him, he pridefully choked on taking his own advice. When he had stopped crying, he was dizzy. Brian brought him to the small sofa on the side area and encouraged the man to lie down, even though he stubbornly refused. Holding to what dignity McCartney had left, Paul sat up then folded over to his lap. It was a combination of embarrassment and the sudden shock of emotional release. Everything had been wound so tight, it now spiraled out of control and there was nothing the bassist could do about it.
His manager had gone to the door, quietly spoke to someone and stayed what seemed like forever away, until the man returned and Paul was given a small glass of milk. Which he appreciated and drank quickly. It helped with the dizziness and he began to feel better. With the world in a constant spiral Paul sat back with his head up, trying to restore his brain back to normal. Unfortunately he was still disoriented. Then he heard his manager order tea to someone at the door. After the he was done, the door closed and Brian returned to the sofa to sit next to Paul.
“How are you feeling?” Epstein kindly inquired. The lad he was talking to was hiding in his lap, too traumatized to look up. Paul didn’t answer his manager, nor could he bring himself to look at the man directly. “Why are you afraid of me?” the soft voice of the gentleman inquired. Still no answer. Instead of talking, Paul was retreating inward. Then Brian drew him near and the younger buried himself in the elders chest. The soft spoken Beatle wasn’t ready to talk and that was okay. McCartney was more difficult to reach than the other two in Brian’s care, John Lennon and George Harrison. The bassist had a dignity he held himself to, something the elder man could relate, but he also knew how that dignity could be a hindrance in matters such as these.
Right now Paul needed nurturing, to know that he was safe. Mister Epstein gladly obliged, just grateful to get this far. The pair were in the quiet embrace when they were disrupted by a knock at the door. Paul immediately jolted back up as to pretend he was fully composed. Brian noticed this instinctual behavior before he walked to the door, where he was handed a tray of tea. Bringing the refreshments to the table in front of the sofa, the manager proceeded to fix Paul his cup, but the younger man instinctively did this himself. It had been ingrained in the English youth all of his life. Still not looking at Brian the young man sipped his tea, clinging to this simple sense of normalcy.
There was a period of silence. It lasted through the first cup of tea.
“Thank you.” Paul said, indicating the tea. This was the first thing the musician had said, since he broke down.
“Your welcome.” Brian said in relief to hear the young man finally speak. “I hope you liked it.” The counsel continued, trying to keep his patient talking.
“It’s fine.” The soft voice replied. However, his eyes were down and his mannerism remained nervous. He was still trying to hide, trying to pretend nothing was wrong.
“Good.” The manager acknowledged, with his hand tapping the young man’s knee. Do you need anything?”
“I don’t know.” McCartney answered honestly. He was struggling to accept this was at all real.
“How do you feel?” the counsel inquired while reviewing the man beside him, who was still avoiding Brian’s direction.
“I just want to go home.” The young man cried, while keeping the tears in. This whole situation was agonizing torture!
“Why won’t you look at me?” the owner of the home wanted to know. He and Paul weren’t the closest out of the group he represented, but they still had a friendly relationship. Now, things were awkward as the Beatle was exposed to this queer man and for some reason, that made him terrifying.
“Because I don’t want you to be real.” The somber one of the pair admitted. “I don’t want any of this to be real. I want to have my fun, marry a pretty girl, have kids, grow old…” that wasn’t asking too much, was it? The singer thought to himself as he uttered those words. However Mister Epstein simply shook his head.
“Paul, all of this is real.” The manager explained, despite the anxious man’s longing for denial. “You had a sexual relationship with two different men.” He further continued, while observing McCartney’s reaction. Pointing this reality out caused the younger man to sulk. “You can still do all those things you’ve mentioned, but you can never undo your past actions.” Brian then squeezed his hand that was still on his companions leg. “ They are forever a part of your life experience. It’s up to you on how you choose to see these experiences.” He hoped this would reach the poor lad. However the bassist remained firm on his stance.
“I’d rather forget about them.” He replied coldly.
“I see.” The elder responded back, while placing his tea cup down. “May I ask why?” he was looking directly into the face that was avoiding his.
“Because it’s not who I am or who I want to be.” Paul answered with a blank face.
“What is “it”?” the homosexual asked, seeking clarity. He knew what the youth was talking about, but he wanted to make the lad say it. Still defiant Paul suddenly shot up and walked across the room, looking out the window. It wasn’t a clear day, but it was far from dark enough to render the glass reflective, which was a relief to a man struggling with his reflection.
“Fuck you!” the bassist shot back in anger. It wasn’t very tough though, as he coward towards the window, away from the sight of the reality he was too frightened to face.
“Why does “it” scare you?” Brian further pressed. This clearly was a sore spot for this struggling lad.
“Leave me alone!” McCartney demanded, but his voice cracked as he hid his face. So the manager pressed further.
“Tell me what “it” is.” The wise man insisted.
“It is none of your business!” Paul shouted in response. He was struggling to contain himself again and the last thing he wanted was another breakdown.
“I see,” Mister Epstein replied. “then maybe I should bring in John?” This suggestion threw Paul off and he was silent. He really did want John there, but he also didn’t. “Would you like to talk to John?” the counsel inquired further.
“I don’t know.” The broken of the two confessed. The bass players head was down as he spoke.
“You can confront him,” Brian suggested. “or maybe you might need him for comfort.” The manager made sure to keep his tone warm and inviting, making it harder and harder to reject. Unfortunately the sense of the closeness, though tempting, inflamed Paul’s defiant nature.
“This talk isn’t working out!” the Beatle stated sternly. At that point McCartney figured he would see if he could make his way towards the exit of the office, and possibly escape this entire disaster. He quickly made his move, but to his surprise Brian made no attempt to stop him. Upon opening the wooden barrier’s, Paul was confronted by both John Lennon and George Harrison. He had forgotten they were outside the office. The soft spoken Beatle was appalled by the very sight of the pair, so the bassist’s didn’t think twice when he slammed the door shut in both of his past lovers faces. He did so automatically as the two men were trying to approach him while he was trying to leave. This was why Brian didn’t try to stop him, he was trapped. McCartney realized, he either had to face the queer man, or the men he had been queer with. Oh god would lightening just strike him now!
“Paul,” the voice of the man behind him echoed in the young man’s ear. “lots of men who are happily married to women have had these encounters and live perfectly normal lives.” Mister Epstein promised. “Some don’t even give up their affairs.” Paul had his face to the door now and his manager was right behind him. “Did you enjoy what you did with John and George?” As his manager asked him this, flashes of Paul’s affairs with his two other bandmates flooded his mind. John on top of him during their first night succumbing to his orgasm. Then George during their last encounter, swallowing his cum for the first and only time. “You know what both your lovers have said about you”
“Stop Bri!” McCartney raised his voice, he was trying not to cry again. “I don’t want to hear it!” Ignoring his client, Epstein continued.
“They tell me how nurturing and loving you are.” The older man could hear the younger ones breathing while he spoke. “They also tell me how enchanted they are by your beauty. Both find you very attractive.” He touched the youngers back. It was limp and his response was docile. The Beatle was slowly submitting to the situation. Keeping up this hard front had to be both physically and emotionally draining. “We can’t control how we feel Paul. What we find enjoyable is not our fault. You’re allowed to like being with these men and more.”
“Why, Epi?” asked the broken voice of the broken man. “Why am I like this?”
“I don’t know.” Brian answered honestly. “What you should be asking is, were your experiences good or bad?” Paul struggled as he released a large sigh. “Were these experiences good for you Paul? Did you enjoy them?” Mister Epstein pressed further.
“I want to talk to John,” The musician demanded suddenly. “but please let me return to the sofa first.” He asked with his back to his manager. Realizing this was important to the young man to feel some semblance of control, the older man turned so the younger felt confident to go back to the parlor section of his office. Paul then looked away as Brian went to the door to retrieve the other lead singer to join them.
It didn’t take long for John to enter the room behind their shared manager. The deviant man's head was down, as it should be as far as the bassist was concerned. Mister Epstein brought a chair over for Lennon to sit in the parlor area, without having to join Paul on the sofa. The elder of the three men stood between the two, to the side, unsure of what was going to happen. Paul was emotionally going back and forth, breaking down then collecting himself, while refusing to address the issue. John, though humbled by this experience was still a wild card.
“Hi Paulie.” John said upon seeing his lover, who had been outed to Brian against his wishes.
“Why did you do this to me!” Paul demanded to know, much to John’s dismay. “I was happy with just women! I was happy as all of us as just mates!” McCartney may fear looking at the queer manager, but he had no objection confronting the brown eyes of John Lennon. “Everything was perfectly fine!” the soft spoken Beatle said not so softly. “then you come at me in the bathroom and take advantage of our friendship!”
“I love you Paul,” the other lead singer replied meekly. “I just wanted to be close to you. I thought you liked it!”
“You made me like it!” McCartney screamed. “I never had the chance.” He covered his face in humiliation, especially since Brian was in the room, hearing all of this mess John got the entire group into! Even Ringo! “One second I see you naked,” a flash of John’s penis struck his mind as he said this. “then you’re pressing up against me.” The memory of the organ inside him feeling so good replayed, causing his body to tingle. Shit! Paul found himself longing for those moments again! “I become hard and you pulled me in. I never got the chance to decide if I wanted this…”
“Do you want this?” Brian asked. Paul just cried. He still couldn’t answer.
“Paulie.” John said somberly. “I’m sorry. This is all my fault, not just what I did to George, but what I did to you. I was selfish, and my selfishness hurt you. I’d do anything to fix it.”
“You kissed me and I was so shocked.” McCartney found his voice raspy now.
“I’m sorry, I’ve been in love…” Lennon began
“Stop John!” His manager interjected. “No excuses. You should have given him the ability to decide if this was what he wanted.”
“You’re right.” The guilty man admitted, knowing his place in all of this mess.
“Then before I know it, we’re in the bedroom.” Paul struggled with embarrassment as he continued. “My slacks and shorts were pulled down.” The bassist saw the two pressing together back in that all white hotel room in the United States. He remembered feeling scared as John seduced him, but… loving every second of it. McCartney couldn’t say it out loud or even admit what he was feeling to himself. He simply couldn’t deny something felt good, the man just couldn’t say it or think it! Why should he? Couldn’t he just close his eyes and pretend they never did all that queer stuff they did that he couldn’t face?
“If you want I’ll never touch you again.” The man wearing glasses promised. That’s when Paul’s stomach sank at the mere suggestion. At that moment, John’s promise felt as painful as a threat. McCartney knew then, ending their relationship was not what he wanted. Even when angry by Lennon’s impulsive nature, the anxious man couldn’t deny he longed for those affection it touches again.
“John, you were suddenly inside me.” Paul began to cry, while trying to pretend a homosexual man wasn’t hearing his horrifying confession. “It was so powerful, so intense, it brought out some of my darkest memories.” He wiped his face as it was an utter mess. “Yet, you were so loving. It felt…” the man choked, but continued. “good.” Paul admitted, looking down. “ I love you John. I need you.” Upon hearing this, John leaped from his chair, as he had been anxious to do this all along, and wrapped his lover in his arms.
“Oh Paulie baby, I’m so sorry.” John said rocking his lover back and forth. “I know I took it too fast! I was a fucking selfish bastard taking advantage of you in shock. I should have taken you here to Brian the moment we returned home and had that talk! You shouldn’t have gone through this all alone!”
“You should have never did what you did to George!” Paul shotted at him, looking his fellow lead singer directly in the eye. McCartney was still genuinely angry for his friend and other lover, George Harrison. Paul was the one who stayed up with the traumatized youth, through every nightmare. It was the soft spoken Beatle who help George get off in the shower during their little beach holiday. He was the one to introduce queer sex to the lead guitarists, in the soft and gentle fashion ones first experience should be. It was also what forced Paul to realize his queerness did not stop with John.
“I know and you’re right.” Lennon agreed nodding his head. “Look George and I have reconciled.” He assured. “I know what I did was wrong. I was put on the hot seat and I took it. I deserved it, so no complaints. I was heartbroken being scorned by you and Rich, but I had that coming. Hell I would have let Rich knock me out, but Bri put a stop to that.”
“He just didn’t want to stain the carpet.” The soft spoken Beatle snarked, with a smile. John sat beside his lover, thrilled to be close to him again. A few kisses on the cheek, but Paul would slightly move to avoid his mouth being embraced.
“Paul” Brian pressed, “would you try to look at me?” The youngest man among them found himself burying into his lover’s chest upon the suggestion. He still couldn’t face the homosexual.
“Why won’t you look at Brian?” John asked curiously. Paul couldn’t answer, he just reverted inward. However Mister Epstein answered for him.
“Because he is still struggling with his attractions with men.” The man McCartney feared explained. “I represent that part of himself he’s too afraid to face.
“Why am I attracted to my friends and not random blokes?’ the dark haired man demanded to know. This was a good question, Brian had to admit, but he himself wasn’t sure of the answer.
“What did you find attractive in John?” Epstein asked to help the lead singer find out for himself.
“Well… I don’t know.” The nervous man replied thoughtfully. “I admit he has a handsome face,” he said gazing into John’s eyes. “but that wouldn’t be enough to get in my pants.” The man stated firmly.
“What made you attracted to George to do what you did with him?” John asked without hostility. This furthered Paul’s discomfort. He squirmed at the mention of his other love affair by Lennon. Mister Epstein noticed this reaction and decided to pry.
“Paul, would you describe the state you found George, right before you two did anything physical.” He inquired gently. Still the lad cringed, but he did answer.
“Georgie had just had another nightmare,” the bass player began. “so I stood up with him for a bit until he calmed down. Then he went and took a shower.” Saying this brought back flashes over the disputes George had with Paul over telling their manager about their affair. “He was still nervous about curtains, so I stood at the door while he opened it. Then I made an excuse to come in after he was in the shower and pretended to leave. I was worried about him and didn’t want to leave him unattended.” While uttering those words McCartney had the memory of George swallowing his cum and then refusing to let Paul blow him back. This wounded the sensitive man deeper than he wanted to admit. “I heard him groan and saw his shadow through the curtain, move away from the water. So I peaked in on him and he looked like he was crying. He was up against the wall with his hand over his face.” Even though Paul was telling one story, he was reliving another.
“Wise move,” Brian responded supportively. “what did you do after you entered the shower?” asked the manager looking over the young man, still unable to face him.
“I let him know I was in the bathroom and told him I was entering the shower as I stripped.” McCartney paused. Telling the story seemed monstrous. Then he felt warm beautiful hands caressing his shoulders. It was John, giving him the support he needed. Paul just let himself collapse into John’s arms, as he continued. “When I entered, George was on the floor in a ball. I thought he was in hysterics but in reality he was just hiding an erection. He was having visions of men trying to beat off and it was disturbing him.” He explained from the safety of another man’s chest
“So he was vulnerable and in need of help.” Epstein summarized, seeing a pattern.
“I guess.” The soft spoken man reluctantly agreed happy to just be hiding.
“Paul, do you remember when you first started feeling love for John?” Inquired the counsel. “I’m not talking about sexual love, but the moment your friendship started to become close.”
“Well, I’d have to say that happened when your mum died.” Paul said, holding John’s hand gently, looking in his eyes lovingly. “We both admit that’s the bond which drew us together.” Lennon followed up with a nod of agreement.
“What state was John in when you first saw him after his mother’s passing?” Brian pressed.
“He was a mess.” McCartney replied, stroking John’s face affectionately. “Naturally he was crying. His mum had just died. His father was away. His uncle was dead. My heart broke for him.” Answered the patient, as he wiped a tear from his lovers cheek. Bringing up his mom always made John emotional.
“So both George and John were in a vulnerable state,” the elder noted. “much like you were when John first seduced you.”
“But I always had consent!” The bassist protested defensively. “I told George, I was just going to hold him.” The desperate man insisted. “and even then I held him at an angle, because he wasn’t ready to go below the belt.” Paul gasped as he continued. “George kissed me. He began thrusting against me. I just supported him, I let him go as far as he wanted.” Then that cruel smile of Harrison accepting his cum but not his blowjob, flashed again in the troubled youths mind and stinging his heart. The pain was so strong, it was physical and it lingered.
“Yes, I know. Very well done.” The manager assured. “This act helped George overcome a lot of his anxieties.” Explained the Wiseman. “This just shows you have a nurturing pattern linked to your sexuality.”
“I just wish I knew what I was.” Paul stated frustrated. He lusted after women, but deeply loved John and… George.
“You’re a nurturing person.” Brian pointed out to the confused Beatle, struggling to accept himself. “You are drawn to nurture people of both genders.” This caused John to look up, but for Paul, he cowered into his lovers chest. “It can extend sexually if it’s the right woman or the extremely close man. It’s really a reflection of your character.” Lennon was stroking Paul's hair at this point.
“You hear that baby?” John soothed, nudging his face towards the hiding partners, nestled in his breasts. “there’s nothing wrong with being nurturing.” he assured.
“The other lads and I have been talking about our different experiences together.” John told him. “We’ve all admitted to different levels of attraction to one another. We agree that it’s more than sex, but genuine love. None of us have stopped liking women. We clearly are variant degrees of bisexual, which, can you really see anything wrong with?”
“Do you see anything wrong with me as a man who sleeps with just men?” Brian asked.
“Of course not!” Paul cried.
“Then why do you beat yourself up over your own feelings about men?” the more confident bisexual wanted to know.
“I don’t know.” The distraught man confessed. “Just even acknowledging this about myself is still upsetting.”
“It’s okay Paul.” Lennon soothed stroking his lovers head. “Its going to be alright. I’ll do anything to get you through this.”
“It’s been a long and difficult day for us all.” Brian observed, feeling the pressure himself. “I suggest we all retire for now.” Looking at his little patient who still couldn’t face him, he made sure to drive an important point. “Paul we will be having another talk, maybe many.” The young man nodded silently. “Also like George, I suggest you not be alone.”
“We’re all staying over tonight.” John announced, all excited.
“I guess I don’t really have a choice in this?” Paul stated more than asked.
“It’s okay Paulie. It’ll be nice, all of us together.” The older Beatle said to his lover, while kissing his cheek. Paul let himself surrender to the chest in which he rested against. It was all out of his hands, at least he could enjoy this one pleasure he so desperately desired.