Work Text:
“I’m in love with you”.
When Bucky first thought about what it might mean, what it might feel like, to fall in love again after Hydra, after what he had become, he had never envisioned it going very well .
He scarcely even entertained the idea of being in love, not even as a form of self punishment.
Not until Tony at least.
So when Bucky admits this truth for the very first time into the space between them in the medical wing as his reasoning for nearly getting his arm blown off again, he doesn’t expect it to go any better than those fantasies of unreciprocated love that were born from Bucky’s self loathing.
He’s expecting that Tony will be uncomfortable at best, apathetic at worst.
Denial is not what he was expecting.
“No you’re not,” Tony says after his face clears of the shock that was present a moment prior.
Tony laughs, though Bucky can tell it’s strained.
“You don’t really get to decide that part,” Bucky replies, defensive but uncertain.
It’s not the first time he’s argued with Tony, and if he’s honest with himself he was definitely prepared for this to be an argument. Just not the one that they seem to be having.
Bucky was prepared for a lot of things today, and Tony’s anger was one he both expected and dreaded. He expected Tony to be angry that Bucky landed himself in medical, healing factor rendered pretty useless with the extent of the damage, at least for a few hours. Tony was always upset when Bucky got hurt. He never liked seeing people hurt, especially if Tony himself manages to walk away unscathed.
Tony was unscathed now, because Bucky was really, really not.
Sometimes he just forgets that the suit is as much of a shield as it is a weapon. He forgets Tony doesn’t need, and most definitely does not want, Bucky’s protection.
But usually Tony reels him out for a while, and then hugs him just this side of too tight given whatever injury Bucky’s sporting that day. The hug is just as much a reprimand as the lectures are, but Bucky barely registers that part most of the time, he gets too caught up in Tony .
Bucky’s never been to medical before though. This is more than a tender shoulder, a bit of road burn, or a fresh bruise for Tony to poke.
Tony’s not hugging him now.
He was holding Bucky’s hand when he woke up though.
It was a pretty quick turn around before he looked ready to smack some sense into Bucky once he groaned himself to full consciousness.
Bucky was familiar with the sentiment, since he harboured a similar emotion every time Steve did something stupid like Bucky just did.
Bucky was pretty sure, when Tony demanded to know why the hell Bucky did what he did, and he chose honesty for once, that that whatever the reaction was, it was going to fucking hurt .
Maybe the rejection would be enough to get it through Bucky’s thick skull that he should just leave Tony alone.
“Do you even remember what it feels like to love?”
That was not the kind of pain Bucky was expecting to feel but Tony was as apt at poking the metaphorical bruises as he was the physical ones, it seemed.
Do you even remember them?
Bucky was honest with Tony in Siberia when he asked, so he’s honest now when he replies, his voice rasping just as tight as it was when Iron Man was choking him all those years ago.
“I can’t even remember who I am, most of the time”.
Tony’s face, his sunglasses forgotten and for that Bucky is infinitely grateful because he can actually read Tony now, flashes with something like pain before a vindictive mask settles over his features.
Tony’s sitting at his bedside still, and Bucky’s glad for that too. He doesn’t need to strain his voice to speak. Tony doesn’t stand and make the uneven ground they’re standing on any more defined.
Tony is not an uncaring man. Bucky loves him for a reason. He might do his best to project a certain aloof attitude, but he cares far too much for his own good.
He cares about Bucky.
Frets over him when Bucky has those bad days. Vindictive isn’t the emotion Tony feels, and Bucky damn well knows that.
Bucky cuts off whatever Tony was going to say next, and it’s hard, as hard as it was the first time, but he still gets it out, doesn’t whisper, but he doesn’t exactly shout it, either.
“But yeah, I remember what it feels like to love,” he says, “Feels like this,” he says, “Like you”.
“You are a recently un-brainwashed Nazi assasin, Bucky,” Tony says.
Bucky nods, and he knows that his love for Tony isn’t what Tony wants, he knows that his love isn’t what anybody would ever want.
“What’s that saying, uh,” he mumbles, “You are what you love, not who loves you?” he tried for a rueful smile, but it’s more a grimace and he knows it.
Tony just blinks at him.
“That’s about you, not me,” Bucky corrects a moment later, feeling awkward at how quickly it seems that their argument has lost its fire. “I’m not half the man you are, no matter how much I love you,” he says.
“Oh my god, you’re an idiot,” Tony says.
Bucky isn’t going to deny it when he opens his mouth to speak, but Tony still cuts him off.
He does it with a kiss.
“I’ve been in love with you for months,” Tony tells him, and Bucky wonders if maybe they found some kind of morphine that works on him because he feels high as a kite, “But Bucky…”
And that was the rejection coming, wasn’t it?
“You’re… you’re recovering. You’re fragile ,” Tony says, clearly for lack of a better word.
That startles a laugh out of Bucky though, “No, not fragile,” he denies, “just an idiot,” but maybe Tony was too because he was still close enough that Bucky could lean in and kiss him again, and again, and again.