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Quirrel tightened his grip on his nail, carefully, quietly, and quickly making his way through the mossy halls of Greenpath. It was odd, seeing this place for a third time, now devoid of infection, once again thriving and full of life that scampered and ran when he walked by. Flocks of belflies took flight, flying into the hidden recesses of the overgrown tunnels, the mosscreeps occasionally brush past his legs, and occasionally he spots a fool eater or a mosscharger in waiting, waiting for a mosskin or other foolish bug to walk into their traps.
And speaking of the mosskin, Quirrel was quite impressed with how well they managed to recover from the Infection, and how they immediately returned to worshiping Unn. Her shrines were quickly repaired, the remnants of Hallownest torn down and replaced with buildings meant for worship. Mosskin Knights patrolled the outermost edge of the Greenpath, allowing the newer bugs to pass through, but most tended to stay in the camps and villages of the Mosskin (hell, Quirrel had even stumbled upon a Moss Prophet far from the village, all the way down in the slowly recovering city, preaching their sermons and the word of Unn (Though Quirrel has no clue how the Moss Prophet got down there. They’ve grown into a stone circle, to the point that they can’t even stand, and yet the circle has ended up far away from Greenpath. Perhaps miracles are real, and Unn is flexing her power by moving her subjects).
Oh dear, he’s walked off the trail again, his mind wandering much more than he has. He shakes his head, his thoughts falling back into place. He’s been doing that more and more, hasn’t he? Ever since he lost his mother, ever since the little Knight put an end to Monomon, as he watched her fade away before his very eyes. Ever since then, his mind drifts and sometimes fades, but he still manages. No matter how hard it is. Dirtmouth has been infinitely kinder to him than he has, as has its residents. Hells, they’re his family, and his family cares a lot about him.
And all of that led to today, right now, with Tiso asking him for a personal favor, giving him a time and a place far from Dirtmouth. Quirrel thought of the exact location again, realizing that he’s forgotten for the fifth time today. Thankfully, he has it written on a small piece of parchment. An abandoned hut far off of the Pilgrim’s Path. Tiso had been quick when asking Quirrel for help, and when Quirrel accepted (much to Tiso’s surprise), he quickly stammered out a time and a place before jumping down the well, and not returning since. Quirrel hoped he was okay.
He arrived at the location, a dilapidated shack covered in moss and vines sporting a very cozy look. A small amount of light creeps through the small windows, a sign that this is where Tiso has been staying. Another sign is the, well, sign that Tiso has scratched into the door. “Quirrel and Tiso only, everyone else stay out” written in Tiso’s signature, barely legible handwriting. Quirrel smiles softly, before pushing aside the moss that covered the doorway and stepping inside.
A small fire is in the center of the room, slowly flickering out, while Tiso is standing not too far from it, leaning against the wall, a small frown on his face. “It took you long enough to get here.” Tiso said in his familiar, nasally voice. “You’re late.”
“I’m actually rather early, at least I think I am.” Quirrel corrects, crossing the room to stand next to Tiso, who, perhaps instinctively, moves back slightly, until he’s practically pressed against the corner.
He frowns even more, looking across the room at a clock carved into the wall, both of the hands pointing to the top of the fake clock. He rubs his chin for a moment while staring at it, before shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter, what does matter is if anyone followed you here.” He says, turning back to Quirrel.
“Not to my knowledge, no. I have arrived all on my own.” Quirrel answers, getting a nod out of Tiso. The ant steps across the room, staying a fair distance away from Quirrel as he does so, and when he reaches the window he peeks out, staring intently at least a minute or two.
“Good, good. That’s good. Now let's just get this over with, I have… heroic stuff to do. So how do I do it?” Tiso asks, seemingly satisfied with his thorough search.
“How to do what, my friend?” Quirrel asks back, and honestly he doesn’t remember. If only his memory wasn’t getting worse and worse.
“What, have you forgotten already?” Tiso snarls, and when Quirrel shrugs he lets out a groan and a huff. “Gods, you know, the fucking…” He does a weird movement with his hands, pressing all of his fingers together and then pressing the tips of said fingers together. “The… uh… come on Quirrel, don’t make me say it. It's what couples do, and what the damsel and the hero always do at the end of every story ever!” Tiso tries to explain. If he just said the word, Quirrel would know instantly, but Tiso seems almost embarrassed by the prospect of actually saying it.
“They… kiss? You asked me to come here to teach you how to kiss?” Quirrel asks with an air of intense confusion.
“Yes! That thing! I’m gonna ask Hornet out, and I need to know how to kiss ladies if I’m going to succeed at our first date.” Tiso explains.
“Tiso.” Quirrel says. “You do realize Hornet is married, right? And that she’s a lesbian?” Tiso looks at him for a second, dumbfounded, as if he hadn’t gone to Lace and Hornet’s wedding.
“Fuck… are you sure?” He asks. Quirrel nods. “Well that ruins my plans. What about Cloth? She’s single, right?” Tiso asks.
“Nope, also married, to Bretta and Myla.” Quirrel answers.
A long moment of silence as the cogs in Tiso’s brain attempt to spin. “Do you think they have room for a fourth?” He asks, causing Quirrel to let out a laugh.
“I’m sorry, Tiso, but I don’t think they’re interested in marrying you.” He laughs, only deepening Tiso’s frown.
“Fuck. Dammit. Uh, not Iselda, I know she’s married… Jiji and Jin aren’t my type… Xena is… no, not Ercu either. Godseeker is too fanatic… Divine is… a definite no.” Tiso mutters, thinking through every lady in Hallownest. “It doesn’t matter, I know someone will want to marry me when I become Champion of the Coliseum!” Tiso exclaims.
“So you still want to learn how to kiss?” Quirrel asks with a laugh, getting a confident nod from Tiso. “Okay, well, to start, do you have any clue how to kiss?” Quirrel asks. Tiso ponders that question for a moment, before making a (as Tiso would later call it) kissy face, with his eyes screwed shut and his lips puckered. “That’s a good starting point, but you don’t have to be so intense. Kissing is supposed to be a tender, intimate moment. You should be calm. Loosen your muscles, relax your shoulders, there we go, that’s perfect.” Quirrel instructed. Tiso let his shoulders hang limply, opening his eyes to look at Quirrel, his lips still puckered.
“So what now?” He asks.
“Well, first let's try kissing your hand. Pretend your hand is someone you have a crush on—“
“I don’t have crushes on anyone!” Tiso interrupts with a deep frown, very defensively.
“Well, pretend your hand is one of your ‘damsels in distress’, and then kiss them.” Quirrel says. Tiso clutches his eyes shut again, his body tightening again as his lips approach his hand. A quick press, and then he pulls back, a disappointed look on his face.
“I don’t get it.” He says with a frown. “Everyone said it was exciting, that wasn’t exciting at all, that was my hand.” He genuinely seems upset, his mandibles chittering angrily.
“Calm down, my friend. It’s alright. I believe a big part of kissing is the actual intimacy between two bugs, and it’s hard to recreate that with an inanimate object.” Quirrel explains. “I’ll demonstrate a simple kiss on the cheek, and then you can do it to me as practice.” He adds, before leaning forward and pressing a kiss against Tiso’s cheek.
Tiso’s face is instantly turned completely red, and he just stands there, completely still, for a moment or two. And then he shakes his head, and leans closer to Quirrel, not even moving his feet, until his face is harshly pressed against Quirrel’s cheek, a bit too hard, to be honest. “No need to be so extreme, it’s just a quick press and then you pull back.” Quirrel added. Tiso retreats, a frown covering his face, which is now a bright ruby red hue.
“Did I do it right?” Tiso asks.
“You didn’t do it wrong, but it could certainly use some work.” Quirrel says with a smile. Tiso frowns a bit more.
“So… what about the other type of kissing?” He asks with extreme caution. Quirrel tilts his head in confusion. “You know what I’m talking about. When you use your… you know, lips… on their… lips?” Quirrel lets out another soft laugh.
“Are you sure you’re ready to take on that level? It might be too much for you.” Quirrel jokes, causing Tiso to frown and look away. Tiso nods, still facing away from Quirrel. “Okay, then I can try and teach you. First, however, you need to face me.” He says, and Tiso slowly but surely turns to face Quirrel, his frown deep and his face a bright red. “Wonderful. Now, it’s practically the same, but instead of being on the cheek, it’s a quick press on the lips, okay? Have you got that?” Quirrel asks. Tiso gives him a not-so-confident nod.
“Okay, I’m going to demonstrate it on you, and then you can try, okay?” Quirrel says, giving Tiso enough time to brace. Quirrel gently leans into Tiso, and gives a quick press of the lips. Tiso’s face goes so red that Quirrel is worried he might pass out, so he wraps an arm around Tiso’s back to keep him from falling. “Alright, now it’s your turn—“
Quirrel is cut off when Tiso lunges forward, putting his hands on either side of Quirrel’s face and pressing his lips harshly against Quirrel’s. Quirrel tightens his grip on Tiso’s back, half afraid he’ll fall over from the sheer force of Tiso slamming into him.
Tiso most certainly sucks at kissing, but the passion is there, and Quirrel suddenly thinks he knows why Tiso asked him to teach him how to kiss, instead of just finding a book on it. After a long few seconds, Tiso pulls away, out of breath, his eyes wide. “You have a crush on me, don’t you?” Quirrel asks, the slightest hint of red on his face.
“No, no I don’t, I already told you I, I don’t have crushes I…” Tiso mutters, trying to defend himself despite it very obviously being true. He lowers his head to avoid Quirrel’s accusatory gaze.
Quirrel lifts Tiso’s chin with his hand, forcing Tiso to look him in the eyes. “I don’t think I want to teach you how to kiss anyone else, I think I’ll keep you to myself.” He teases with a grin, pulling Tiso’s waist a bit closer to him , and Tiso’s face goes completely red, and he actually passes out. Quirrel has to act quickly to stop Tiso from falling into the fire.
Well, that went about as well as it could have ever gone.