Chapter Text
The confetti falling around her friends and her should’ve been a moment that Gina would cherish. The way that her chest felt too tight and air was only coming into her lungs in short ragged breaths said otherwise. Five, four, three, two, one ticking in the background as she felt her hands go numb. She blinked away the tears that were threatening to spill as she watched them. She felt fingers slipping into her hand and looked up to meet brown eyes and a knowing smile. “I know” EJ whispered into her hair as he pulled her into a hug. She finally let in a ragged breath into his shoulder thankful to have been torn away from her nightmare. She shouldn’t feel this way for a boy that she had known for five months but the longing she had to run into his arms at midnight was not lost on her. She pulled back and wiped away a stray tear. Placing a smile on her face so others would perceive her watery eyes as tears of happiness for finally finding a place she belonged. But she belonged with him.
“Gina! You can’t cry because then I’m gonna cry” she heard Ashlynn call out walking up to wrap her in a hug. Suddenly she was surrounded by people clamoring to wrap her in their arms with shouts of “we love you Gi” echoing in her ears. A laugh bubbled out of her throat at the irony of it all. She finally had people that she could call family but she still wanted more. She looked up for only a second but there he was. Golden brown eyes boring into her with a questioning glare that made her feel like she was made of glass. Then tan arms were around her neck and the light smell of roses and amber swallowed her whole. She smiled down at Nini, feeling brick by brick of her walls being built back up. “I just love you guys so much and I’m glad I get to stay even if it’s just for a little while longer.” Gina had learned it was best to tell a lie mixed in with the true to make it more believable. She should know, she’s done it enough times. A chorus of aws and I love you’s played back to her and she knew even if she couldn’t have him she could still have a family.
She could feel him coming closer as she saw Nini’s eyes light up. She closed hers and forced the mask she wore at the beginning of the school year to come back up. Then there was a gentle tug on one of her curls and as she looked up, she saw calloused fingers pulling glittering plastic out of her hair. “I didn’t think we were going to see a tinsel ballerina until next Christmas” he said still trying to pull confetti out of her hair. “I hate you” she replied but a smile slowly blossomed on her face. “Oh my god will you two ever get along” Nini replied laughingly. The words pulled her out of her reverie and she took a step towards the kitchen, lying about needing a drink. She wiped sweaty palms on her skirt as she stepped over the kitchen room threshold. The muffled sound of her friends comforting her while she pulled herself together. She stared at the punch bowl on the counter. The red liquid lulling her into a memory of the smell of old leather and her lipgloss covered lips brushing the pale skin of his cheek. She pressed her palms on her eyes trying to will the memories that were flooding through her mind away.
“You know if you want to convince someone you’re okay, you shouldn’t look like your hearts been stomped on every time you look at him” the water polo player announced. “EJ, my heart hasn’t been stomped it’s just weird looking at them.” “Why, because he still hasn’t told Nini everything or because even though he chose her, you would still choose him right now.” Gina squinted her eyes “I don’t still love him, I never loved him” she said with clenched teeth hoping he would believe the lie more than she did. EJ rolled his eyes “please, if he asked you to do it all over again right now you’d say yes. And don’t say you wouldn’t because that’s a lie” he said pointedly. Gina sighed feeling her shoulders drop. “It wouldn’t matter if I would, it meant nothing at least not to Ricky. Why should it, he’s always been in love with Nini. I was just a place holder until she came back around” she could feel the weight of her words hanging in the air around them. When she got no response, she nodded “that’s what I thought” she stated placing a glass of punch in her hand.
Suddenly there was a thud outside of the kitchen threshold and Gina and EJ both gave each other looks of concern before walking out. They scanned the area and noticed Big Red speed walking in the opposite direction of the kitchen. “Well that’s just fantastic” EJ called out sarcastically. Gina could feel the anxiety start to wash over her from head to toe. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose “I swear to god he didn’t have a reason to be afraid of me before, but he does now.” Gina murmured before almost running to catch up with the mop of red hair bouncing throughout the home she now shared with the Caswells. EJ moved to find Ricky, hoping to steer him and Nini in a direction that was hopefully out the front door. “You know I heard it was supposed to snow tonight and you should probably get Nini back home to her moms soon” EJ said with a forced smile. Ricky and Nini shared a look of confusion, “we live in Utah dude, I know how to drive on snow” Ricky said with a questioning look. “Well yes, but I heard it was supposed to be icier than normal tonight.” EJ said with a forced smile, hoping they took the hint and left. “Guys, why don’t we play some music and dance, it’ll be fun” Carlos always did have perfect timing didn’t he.
Gina had lost Red in the small sea of teenagers cramped into the house when she heard Carlos request to have a dance party and she could’ve sworn that man had some sort of telepathic ability to make her life more complicated than it already was. The bass was loud enough to shake walls and she couldn’t hear herself think. Just when she was about to turn around she saw the tail end of a flannel running towards Ashlynn and grabbed it. “I didn’t hear anything I swear” Big Red yelled at Gina. “There was nothing to hear Red it was just a misunderstanding” Gina said with what she hoped was a comforting smile over her semi-clenched teeth. “I know you well enough to know you might actually kill me at this point and that, that smile is fake” Red said with wide eyes. “Jesus Red, I’m not going to kill you. I actually kind of like you in the way that you like a younger brother.” “Wait, you do?” Red questioned as he finally stopped fighting against Gina’s hold. She sighed “yes Red, I do. After I stopped being so closed off I realized you were actually pretty cool.” “While I do appreciate the compliment, I still have to tell Ricky” Red whispered. “You can’t, look the feelings I had for him last year don’t matter he’s moved on and he’s happy with Nini.” Gina cried out. “But he should know how you feel Gina. I know he still cares about you” “but it doesn’t matter. Listen Red, I swear to God if you say anything to Ricky I will actually murder you in your sleep”. Gina said pointedly. She saw Red take a gulp and then fiercely nod his head. Then she did something she didn’t even expect honestly, pulling him into a hug and whispering thank you before running in the opposite direction.
She needed fresh air and space to think away from all of the heated bodies. Especially the one she had been trying to avoid all night. The brisk air of Utah during the winter was a welcoming embrace she needed to bring her back to the present. The memories of skateparks and curly hair finally fading to the back of her mind. Gina walked down to the sidewalk lifting her face to the sky and allowing the snow to fall onto her face. A small smile crept onto her face just as she heard the door open. “EJ I swear I’m fine I just needed to step outside for a minute” she said before turning to the front porch. “Not EJ, but why wouldn’t you be fine” he questioned. “Oh- it’s you” Gina replied her voice dropping. “Hey, I know we haven’t talked much since you told everyone you were staying. But, you know you can still talk to me” Ricky said rolling on the balls of his feet. Gina scoffed “yeah because we were so close before then right”. “Gi-“ “no because we’re not going to do the thing where you pretend like we had this great friendship when, let’s be honest here, I really was just a placeholder until Nini came back.” She could hear the bite in her tone, the anger rolling off of her tongue. “Really, because the last I checked I texted you for days after you moved and you couldn’t even be bothered to shoot off a hey, I’m still alive text so don’t even go there.” Ricky responded taking a step towards her. “I thought I wasn’t coming back, I didn’t want to drag out the inevitable slowly fading friendship that was bound to happen anyway. So sue me Bowen.” “You know that wouldn’t have happened” “no, I don’t know that wouldn’t have happened because here I am. Back. And where’s our friendship.” She could feel Ricky take a step back, disbelief painted on his face.
“I can’t believe I let myself-“ Gina started cutting herself off as she made her way towards the front door. She was suddenly pulled to a halt as ice cold fingers wrapped around her wrist. “You can’t believe you let yourself what?” Ricky whispered. Gina was frozen she knew if she turned around she would fall back into the trap of being second best. But it would be worth it to have a second, anything from him. Her head turned to meet his and she could swear there were tears pooling in his eyes. “I can’t believe-“ Gina started as the door opened allowing the noise to snap her out from under his gaze. She felt his hand drop and her wrist seemed to get colder. She forced the sob she could feel threatening to escape her throat back down. “You know EJ was right it’s really starting to come down. You ready to go Ricky?” Nini called out. “Yeah just let me say bye to everyone and then I’ll grab my coat.” Ricky said with a slight smile. Nini nodded, calling out a quick okay before heading back inside to say bye to her fellow classmates. The only thing that could be heard was the dull sound of music coming from inside. Gina laughed “All the things I did.” “What?” Ricky questioned. “It’s nothing, you should hurry up and get going. The snow really is starting to come down.” Gina called out over her shoulder before walking back into the house. She spared a glance behind her to see just a shell of the guy she loved the last few months. “All the things I did, just so I could call you mine”.