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There comes a time that for keeping one's sanity intact, one must leave what one hoped would be a good thing. The disappointment arrived as a sadness, a grief, because in the real world there’s more to a relationship than love, and Haley Hotchner had to learn this the hard way. She loved Aaron, but she had to leave. Because real love is not how it’s portrayed in fairytales, and it’s different for everybody. Aaron and Haley’s teenage naïvety had faded away as their hearts became rough and weary over time. They realised that, heartbreaking as it was, there was no guarantee that they would have a happily ever after, and that was something that was incredibly difficult to accept. They realised that, sometimes, the person whom you love is not the person whom you need.
Haley tried hard to salvage their relationship, but it had been doomed since the day he had joined the FBI in 1997. It had been more than ten years since then, and their marriage was a sinking ship. They were able to manage for a while, with Aaron spending every second that he was not working with his wife, and that was enough. But when they brought their beautiful son Jack at home, Haley struggled. Aaron grew more distant, and he let his work consume him. She never knew why he left the office later than the rest of the team while she was at home trying to do three things at once, or why he took leave less often than before. She wished that Aaron would spend more time with his son, but till now, Jack had grown up without a father. To Jack, Aaron was just the person who sometimes read him nighttime stories and whom he would occasionally fall asleep next to.
Aaron blamed himself for everything bad that had ever happened to the world and everything that would happen. His noble need to help people who are defenceless used to be an admirable quality, until she realised that his biggest fear was not being able to save everyone and every time he was not able to save them, it became a mark on his psyche that would haunt him. After Adrian Bale left Gideon permanently wounded in a way which he could never truly recover from, Aaron was left as the leader of their team, and it was with a heavy heart that he took on this responsibility. But he needed to, because he blamed himself for what had happened in Boston. He blamed himself when Elle left, how could he have been so callous and vague when giving orders? He blamed himself when Reid got tortured by Tobias Hankel, because in Aaron’s eyes, he was just a kid who had seen too much of the world to believe in its goodness, just like he used to be. And he blamed himself when that case got out of hand, he was their leader and it was his actions that lead to the preventable death of a teenage girl and that of the unsub. He believed that, as long as they were directed towards him, Strauss’ punishments were completely justifiable. His guilt came above all else, manifesting itself in every action, every micro expression of his. It was why he stayed late at night in the office, finishing paperwork that was meant for other members of the team, but he refused to give to them so that they could get some well-deserved rest. And it was why he was unable to say those three words to his son, fearing that he would eventually become his father. Aaron’s greatest fear might have been that he would not be able to save everyone, but Haley’s was that he would be able save everyone but himself, because a feeling of not being enough was still ingrained in his brain. She realised that, as long as the marks on his back were still there, his father was still there.
And as much as Haley loved that broken man, they were destined to fall. Aaron’s suspension was not a saving grace for the Hotchner family, just a temporary hiatus which would make their marriage last a few weeks long until its ultimate, inevitable end. Both Aaron and Haley lived knowing this, it was a silent, mutual acceptance that it would eventually have to end, because their lips could never form the words to say it out loud. Haley knew that he would never agree to transfer. She knew Aaron all too well, with his stubborn nature, his determination to push himself to do the best he possibly can, and, above all, his infuriating guilt complex. But it was not unfair for her to ask, to implore with watery eyes and beg him. To request him to, for once, choose his family over the job that was slowly killing him. It was a last-ditch, desperate attempt by someone who made the heart-breaking decision to love herself, even if it meant giving up the love of her life.
When Aaron and Haley were just two teenagers, Haley was the one person who used to take care of him, for he cared too much about everyone else to care for himself. She was someone who saw the good in the world, and softened his rough edges. Haley knew that Aaron needed someone like that, someone willing to remind him that he is something in this world, that he is someone worthy of being loved. Haley used to be that person, someone who would remind him of the bright future ahead and of the beautiful memories that he could be grateful for. But now, she was not sure that she could be that person anymore.
When Aaron came home that night, disheartened and on the brink of breaking down, Haley looked at him until he uttered the words, “The case didn’t end well. I’m suspended, for two weeks.” Haley was hit by an ugly sense of hope, because this was their chance to salvage the marriage, to pick up the broken bits left behind from years ago and piece it back together. This was Aaron’s chance to bond with his son, to make his wife feel loved, and to finally take a break. But Aaron was too bitter, resenting his superior for taking him away from the things that gave him refuge from his own humanity and soothed his guilt. The comforting pressure of the neatly tied tie on his neck, the knowledge that he was helping someone, saving an innocent person from the bad things in the world, the relief that he had gone one more day without becoming his father and knowing that Haley, with all of her kindness and faith, would remain uncorrupted by his darkness. It broke his heart every time he stayed away from them, every time he left Jack with multiple kisses on the forehead because he did not know when he would be back, every time a peaceful night in or a relaxing Saturday morning with Haley would be ruined by a single phone call.
Even in a job that lacked a sense of normalcy, Aaron always liked doing things in a routine, methodical way. He would set his alarm for 5 a.m. no matter how late he went to sleep, and he always made sure to spend enough time ironing his dress shirts that not one crease would be visible. It made him predictable, some might even say boring, but that was what made Aaron Hotchner the rock that everyone could cling onto, the one person who would always be there for anyone who needed it. While Aaron cherished every second, every moment that he spent with Haley and Jack, he was frightened at the thought of holding his son’s hand and whenever he spent time with them, the demons in his head screamed “You do not deserve her. You will never deserve her.” And it was this self-doubt, this feeling of worthlessness that the job allowed him to escape from.
During the first few days out of the office, Aaron seemed to allow himself to relax. He seemed to have forgotten how beautiful his wife was. He looked at her, with her blonde hair, angelic glow, and gentle eyes that had helped him get through his darkest moments. He looked adoringly at his sleeping son, with a peaceful smile on his face. God, he was just like her. So calm, so good, and he vowed that he would do everything it took to ensure that Jack would never have to know what it feels like to be afraid every time a car pulled into the driveway. And at that moment, he wanted to shield his son from all of the evil in the world, from the childhood bullies and the wicked people undermining a small child and the college professors who would tell him that he will never be good enough. But more than anything, he wanted to shield Jack from knowing too much. But how could he do that? How could he protect his son from the horrors of the world when he faced them each and every day? When he chose to confront the most malicious monsters known to mankind and to think like them? He realised that he would never be able to do that.
A week into the suspension and the gaping void in his soul left him with a longing to go back to his duty. For the first time in months, he started eating properly. But after every meal, he would go into the bathroom. And as he remembered that he was not helping anyone that day, that, because of him, another serial killer might go free, his stomach lurched and gurgled. He barely had time to desperately grasp the toilet bowl before the contents of his stomach emptied themselves into the bowl. Tears ran down his face but he had acquired the skill of crying so silently that not a soul would be able to hear him. Once his entire meal had been washed down, he clasped his mouth to prevent a sound from escaping. As he looked into the mirror, he was a boy again, small and frightened. His childhood had come back to haunt him - the memories of his father forcing to eat whatever was put in front of him were nothing but faint. He distinctly remembered the way his stomach pushed all the food out after his father beat him, he was not able to stomach anything after having the living hell beaten out of him. While that was a habit that continued well into his adulthood, no one ever realised because he was so used to hiding it.
How did he deserve his wife and his son? If he stayed at home more often, how would that impact Jack? Every night as he went to sleep next to his gorgeous, kind wife, he realised that she was much stronger than him. She had raised their child all by herself and she had tolerated him all this while. She had tolerated his absence, how many birthdays had he missed? How many Christmases and anniversaries? No, he convinced himself, he did not deserve them. He was worthless, insignificant, and it wouldn’t even be hard for them to move on if he died.
So Haley knew what this job had taken from him. She wasn’t being selfish asking him to switch to a job, she was doing it for Aaron’s mental health and their son. When they got married, she did not sign on for raising a child all by herself. Haley reminded herself of this as she walked out of Jack’s room after putting him to sleep. His face was so pure and innocent and she wondered if Aaron had ever looked like that. She prepared herself mentally, constantly repeating “I’m doing the right thing” under her breath. She entered their bedroom and saw Aaron reading before going to bed. To her, the suspension seemed to be benefiting him and his mental health. Sauntering into their bedroom, she regarded Aaron with his brows furrowing as his eyes squinted, trying to read a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. Her mind flashed back to when she first met him, wandering the halls of tier high school with a bruised lip, stumbling along the corridor with his nose in the book, which led to him accidentally wandering into the theatre club. It was funny, how different things were back then. Life was so volatile, and their relationship was a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off and shatter their hearts into pieces which they would never be able to put back together again.
Haley had a rueful smile on her face as she slipped into her silk nightgown and kissed her husband’s cheek. His hair was messy, but soft, much like his heart. He looked up at her, masking all his pain, to ask, “What’s wrong, honey?” How could she reply? How could she tell him that she wanted him to give up the only thing in his life that gave him a sense of being? But Jack, he deserved better. He deserved a father who would love him and bombard him with kisses and hugs, someone who would be there for him every single night. And so she replied, “Aaron, we need to talk.” His expression turned emotionless as he put down his book and sat upright. “Strauss’ suspension seems like a sign, for us to be reminded that family is the most important thing in the world. Aaron, I need to know that you will be there for Jack, that you are committed to being a good father to him.” Aaron muttered, “Of course I am. Family is the most important thing, and it’s what matters the most to me.” Her face tuned uneasy, but she had to ask him. “Your job, it’s going to be harmful for Jack. I can’t be doing everything here, because before the suspension you were almost never at home. Jack has probably seen more of you in the past week than he has in the past two years. I think you should request a transfer.” It pained Aaron to say the words, but he agreed.
The next morning, Haley seemed the happiest she had been since becoming a mother. Aaron had to convince himself that her happiness meant more to him than anything, and if that meant giving up the job that made him who he was, it was still worth it. But he felt something, a feeling of emptiness which no words can truly describe. He felt like something was missing, and he felt himself gravitating towards his computer, eagerly waiting for someone to call him to inform him that they need help with a case. He hated the feeling of not doing anything, the helplessness he felt when he’s not constantly working. Aaron smiles softly watching their son adorably eat his breakfast, something so mundane, yet Aaron felt immensely proud of his son. He could probably count on his hand the amount of times someone had told him the they were proud of him, but it never came from his father. He also felt proud that they raised such a wonderful kid. Haley, he remind himself, he feels proud of Haley because she was able to raise such a wonderful kid, not him.
Haley could not believe it when Aaron agreed to the transfer, and she had a glimmer of hope in her, that they would finally be able to save their marriage. As she walked into the dining room, she asked, “Are you doing okay?” Aaron nodded, and held her hand. She assured him, “You will be okay. After all, we deserve to have a normal life.” Aaron disagreed. Neither of them deserved a normal life - Haley deserved a beautiful life where she could find a man who would always be there for her, she deserved happiness and to be able to have a functioning husband who was kind and caring. Aaron deserved no one. He convinced himself of that because despite hours spent praying to God for someone to help him as an eight year old child, he got no one. He got no one until he was seventeen, but by then he had given up on faith because nine years was far too long to answer a hurting boy’s prayers. And drowning in his work, getting intimate with monsters was the price he had to pay. It was his penance for failing to save so many people.
But he went into the office and requested the transfer. His entire mouth pained and ached and it took him forever to get the words out, but he did. And he immediately regretted it, but there was no turning back now. But he knew the team would crumble without him - Prentiss was leaving and Strauss micromanaging the team could never lead to any positive results. He walked briskly to the parking, car keys in his hands, making a circular motion with his thumb and middle finger. That was his tell, he was obviously uncomfortable with the situation. But that was the enigmatic agent Hotchner, no one could ever tell whether he was falling apart on the inside, because he always held his head high and kept his face expressionless. It was what made him a good profiler, unfazed by the comments of psychopaths and unflinching in the face if danger. But now, he was torn between his job and his family. Between the only two parties who had ever treated him with love and respect.
That afternoon, he received a call which he had been both dreading yet eagerly waiting for. And it gave him a sense of purpose again, because he was needed, Changing into his suit, Aaron felt the comforting pressure of the tie on his neck, and everything was back to normal. But then, Haley entered the room. She spouted, “What the hell are you doing?” Aaron replied, “Haley, the team needs me. On one last case.” “Aaron, I need you. Your son needs you. Your team needs Gideon. And to think it was all over.” Haley shook her head, but Aaron was persistent. “Haley, this is who I am. These women are innocent, and they deserve to be saved. They deserve to have a normal life.” Haley rubbed the bridge of her nose frustratedly. “Jack deserves to be saved from growing up without a father. And we deserve a normal life too. You can’t save everyone in your job, but you can choose to save this marriage!” But Aaron could not back away, he felt an obligation to work on the case because he still had the irrational voice in his head, it was his duty to save everyone.
Haley was hit with a grief, because every time her husband left the house she lost him all over again. They had never been closer to saving their marriage, and it made it all the more heartbreaking when that was when it fell. She packed up their things. Tightly gripping Jack with her right hand and her keys with her left hand, she began rubbing circles with her middle finger and thumb. Despite the circumstances, she chuckled. She had picked up on Aaron’s coping mechanism. As she stepped out with a heavy heart, the light was sucked from the house. It is possible to love someone, but be disappointed in them. It is possible to love someone, but to leave them, no matter ho much it breaks your heart. It is possible to love someone, and let them go. It is often said, it is letting go, not holding on, that shows pure strength. For Haley Hotchner, it was time to go.